Lt. Smash Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 Yes I know I missed the deadline but still, I'd like to have a working, fully functioning IT. Penitent Devils Origins “The Penitent Devils are an arcane force that pays little heed to the universe around them, changing and warping the people and the planets they encounter. The Battle of Ruselaj, my first command, was against the Devils. It was a day I will never forget. ” Vice Admiral Hirota in Memoirs of Loyalist file ref/62127169 In late M.39 the Templars Furioso, a Black Templar successor Chapter, was gripped by something so horrific that none bar the Chapter Master knows the true extent of the events, and none refer to it. The Templars Furioso refer to this time as the Great Schism, which, in truth, was nothing short of a civil war. The exact cause for the infighting is believed to be centred on their Crusade for the Hellstain, a world corrupt by the powers of the Chaos God Tzeentch. It is now known that Battle Brother Stefan in the 4th Fighting Company was possessed by a daemon of Tzeentch, about midway in the crusade, and, utilising his newfound power, the Battle Brother killed what was the current 4th Company's Marshal. This created a power vacuum in the Company. As is his want, Tzeentch caused through the possession of a single Battle Brother events that would spiral out of control and into Chaos. While the Templars Furioso High Marshal, Hemmlar, hadn’t realised that the forces of Chaos had been at work, he was wise enough to know that a guiding hand was required. Hemmlar elected a member of his own Sword Brethren to take control of the situation, despite the protests of members of the 4th Fighting Company, who wished to elect a Marshal from amongst their own ranks. One of the 4th Fighting Company’s Sword Brethren, named Klessel, took command of his company, titling himself as Lord Klessel. For reasons unknown, Klessel inducted a great many new members to his Sword Brethren, one of which was Brother Stefan. Klessel led his men in an assault against the Templar Furioso Chapter Keep. The fighting went on for thirteen times thirteen days. He later claimed to have been warned in a dream by the Emperor himself, that road he was going down was dark and would ultimately lead to Chaos. He then claimed to have awoken and realised that he was being manipulated by a member of his own Company. In a moment of righteous fury Klessel overcame the corruptive influence of the possessed Brother and cut him down in hate filled rage. Stefan died from the powerful strike, but the daemon did not. The beast was released from his previously bound state, and his spirit shattered into a hundred splinters, each lodging itself deep in the soul of one of the 4th Company's warriors. Many died from the sudden burden of sharing their body with another soul and another conciseness. The members of the 4th Company who survived the Possession, fell back to their Strike Cruiser Hell Bringer, fleeing the planet they had damned. The Templars Furioso ordered the planet destroyed and vowed to kill those responsible. Combat Doctrine The Penitent Devils prefer to fight campaigns centred on terror tactics. The “Blight” of which the vast majority of the Devils are afflicted, enhances these tactics and allows them to instil fear into both enemy troops and civilians. When the Devils deploy in a new warzone, they launch their landing ships, which are, in reality, "borrowed" Munitorum cargo ships and freighters belonging to smugglers, from their Strike Cruiser; Hell Bringer to enter enemy space, slipping through blockades, through use of stealth, deception, bribes and the many hidden weapon systems that the Devils attach to their ships. The Devils engage in warfare against the enemies of the Great Changer on all levels. Changers often deploy weeks or even months before a planned engagement. The Changers coax cults, rebels and politicians into the warm embrace of Tzeentch. United against loyalists these forces will soften the enemy, allowing an opening for the Devils to land and begin their divine work. The Penitent Devils, due to their quick escape from Euton Prime, only managed to take a single tank off world with them, the Land Raider Crusader Infernal. Disturbingly reports have flooded in of the Penitent Devils using increasingly odd and twisted war beasts. There is a pict capture of one of these machines at work. The creature was large and pink and fleshy with raw muscle and organs hanging limply either side of its enormous bulk. Its hard iron beak seemed to come out of the middle of its chest and it had no head or neck. The animal stood on two legs, each of which ended in a clawed foot, and had three long talons. It can be seen rampaging through a crowd of hapless civilians before vomiting out a unit off Devils who finished the rest off with their bolters. One might say the beast resembled a bird whose innards had been turned out to face the world. Gene-Seed The Penitent Devils gene-seed is originally that of the Imperial Fists, and despite the corrupted nature it encompass' now it is still recognisable as that of Rogal Dorn. The Gene-seed the Devils use is corrupted by a self inflicted curse known as the Blight. When the Hell Bringer escaped to the Warp, Lord Klessel declared that all members of the Devils must bear the mark of Tzeentch in the most prominent ways possible. The Blight is serious corruption that may take many different forms, often each case of it is unique, but there are several consistencies within in the Chapter in relation to the mutations, many Battle Brothers wear “flesh armour”, armour made by the fusion of skin and machine. The Blight makes this unholy union possible, and allows the Penitent Devils to show the favour of Tzeentch in disturbing and hellish ways. Organisation The Chapter is split into several hundred “factions” each one centred on a different philosphy that has developed in the Chapter. The first and foremost of these is Marshall Josephus' “Hell Company”, numbering just over 350 it is made up of Jet Pack equipped psychopaths bearing the most horrible mutations in the Chapter. Unlike the others it has no cults based after it on back-water worlds and the seedier hives. The Death Heralds are made up of the surviving members of Klessel's Household; the Death Heralds are the only faction to have Terminator Armour in their possession. The Death Heralds are the fewest in number of the factions, with less than 50 members. Marines who fit into neither faction fight alongside Marshal Ignis, who at the time of the Schism he was promoted to Marshal by Klessel for leading an assault on the Furioso's armoury killing hundreds of serf's and destroying countless vehicles and relics, some of which were rumoured to date back as far as the Horus Heresy. The Tide is the largest of the factions, having close to 400 members. Led by Changer Mikellus, the Flock is a horde of marines that have achieved Spawndom, which, in the Devils is not looked down upon as a curse. It is believed that the Spawn have achieved the ultimate goal. Oneness with Tzeentch. The Spawn members of the Devils seem to last far longer than that of other Chaos war bands. It is rare for a member of the Penitent Devils to gain the gift of Daemonhood, but those who do are held in positions of great respect and authority. Klessel of course has not achieved Spawndom, as he must lead the Chapter in his current form. This is because he seeks the highest form of unity with Tzeentch. The absorption of his human body and his soul, into that of the Great Changer. But first, he must carry out Tzeentch's Great Plan. The Chapter hierarchy is confusing and constantly changing, though the Lord Klessel is one of the few who remains constant in his role in the chapter. He is the pinnacle of the Devils as it was he who led them from the Emperors corrupting influence into the loving embrace of Tzeentch. Directly underneath Klessel are the faction leaders and below them are the Changers, warriors dedicated to changing their fellows using powers gifted to them by Tzeentch. The rest of the chapter sits on roughly level setting although the hundreds of minor factions some which only have a single member and others that have members who aren't even aware that they are part of the faction. Some factions bear no names and others no philosophy. Thus it is a truly chaotic organisation. "It is my divine right to unite both the power of the Warp and the Strength of Humanity under one banner. The Banner of His Light." Lord Klessel, on the Eve of Fire, an Hour before the Siege of Euton Prime against the Templars Furioso. Beliefs The Penitent Devils believe that they must atone for the sinful work that they had done under the banner of the Templars Furioso. Some members of the Death Heralds believe that, in stark comparison to the rest of the Chapter, all they did in the Emperor's name was part of the Great Changer's Grand Scheme. Of the hundreds of minor factions each takes their own view often resulting in confrontations and bloodshed between the groups. "Blessed are the Damned for they may prove their worth" Changer Mikellus, Leader of the Flock. Battle Cry The Penitent Devils the unofficial motto is: Pro Nova Imperium (For the New Imperium) “For the Great Changer!” Note: Templars Furioso belong to captainawsm. 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Walter Payton Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 Good, except for these few points: Their battle cry should be Nova Regnam. Elementary Latin Adjectives, boy! Nova Imperium would still be acceptable High Gothic/Latin, by the way. Pro Nova Imperium would mean: 'For a new Imperium,' which I think is better, but each to his own and all that... Maybe it would be cool to have them struggle to integrate themselves with the CSM 'Establishment' such as the Tzeentch supremos, the TkSons. After all, they have conquered mutation, your men have embraced it. Terror tactics also don't seem to mesh seamlessly with T-Dubz, as he seems more to be tactically crushing his foes, almost Alpha Legion-like, coupled with deadly magic attacks. The whole Spawndom thing I think is a bit silly. So, spawndom is the ultimate blessing of the Dark Gods. And that makes daemonhood? It might also be an idea to say that they have to make do with inferior battle tanks to other chapters, such as the Chimaera, or even non-Imperial, local versions like the AT-73 Brigand out of Gaunt's Ghosts. It might sound harsh, but I am really impressed, and want to help. Keep it up. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2285126 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother_Kaelgrim Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 The Penitent Devils believe that they must atone for the sinful work that they had done under the banner of the Templars Furioso. Some members of the Death Heralds believe that, in stark comparison to the rest of the Chapter, all they did in the Emperors name was part of the Great Changers Grand Scheme. "Blessed are the Damned for they may Prove their Worth" Changer Mikellus, Leader of the Flock. Prove and Worth do not need to be capitalized, stark comparison would be better worded as stark contrast, Emperor's instead of Emperors and Changer's instead of Changers. Apostrophes! The Penitent Devils, a traitorous Chapter of Astartes, were famously described by Imperial Commander Lightblade as “an arcane force that pays little heed to the universe around them, changing and warping the people and the planets they encounter.” This description is one of the few that’s credibility should not be ignored. Poorly worded, you can do much better than this. Lightblade? That doesn't even sound like a man's name. Maybe suitable for an Astartes, not an IG man. The final line there would be better worded as "This description is considered by many to be highly accurate." If its a famous description, then why are we only hearing about this commander now and never again? Have it be spoken by someone else you have introduced or reference some made up historical documents to give it the air of legitimacy. Sell the story my good man! SELL IT! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2285241 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walter Payton Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 To be honest, Lightblade sounds far far too Tau-y Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2285246 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 To be honest, Lightblade sounds far far too Tau-y No.. sounds more Star Wars-y, from someone who fears rdicule :P Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2285258 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walter Payton Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 Stepping out of his lander, Marshal Klessel looked the terrifyied guardsman in the eye, then raised his hand. The unfortunate Cadian rose into the air, clutching at his throat, before collapsing to the ground. 'This is a great day for the Empire,' intoned the Marshal, the words sounding mettalic through his face grille, 'soon the Imperium will be wiped out.' My I be the first to say: Dan-Dan-Dan, Dan-Da-Dan, Dan-Da-Dan, Dan-Dan-Dan, Dan-De-Dan, Dan-De-Dan... Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2285266 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angelfire Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 First off... Nice. Very solid work and writing. I agree that Commander Lightblade sounds like a Tau name. Secondly, I'm curious about this Blight. You talk about "fear campaigns" and some stuff about Tzeench, but I'm sure many would love to hear more about this. Flex your creativity a bit. How is it "self-inflicted?" Is it some process involving the daemon-shards? How exactly does it help them to be feared and raise Chaos cults? Looking forward to seeing the final version. -Angelfire Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2285350 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Smash Posted February 14, 2010 Author Share Posted February 14, 2010 Thanks for the replies everyone, I will begin the work required to rectify them now. Lightblade was merely a stand in till I come up with a better name... The Penitent Devils, a traitorous Chapter of Astartes, were famously described by Imperial Commander Lightblade as “an arcane force that pays little heed to the universe around them, changing and warping the people and the planets they encounter.” This description is considered by many to be highly accurate. Vice Admiral Hirota in Memoirs of Loyalist file ref/62127169 Daemonhood is still up ther on the "good things chart" but it doesn't give the person who has recieved the same sort of changeing power. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2285392 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 Perhaps have daemonhood and spawndom held in equal regard, then? Both induce some pretty dramatic changes, after all. You know, this is looking rather better than the old days where the PD fought for the Emperor. :angry: Now, onto the nit-picking. At the start of the story the Hell Bringer is a strike cruiser, and further down it is referred to as a battle barge. I know your guys are big on change, but surely here you go too far! :lol: The huge winged marine landed several metres away from the veteran, standing in front of the Iron Gauntlet in the dirt. Planting his gigantic blade in the ground he strode forwards towards the veteran. As he did so his mighty red wings folded back. Klessel stood a foot taller than the scarred veteran who had challenged Lord Klessel and his Chapter. Bending down on one knee he picked the gauntlet up tenderly, as though it was a relic blessed by Tzeentch himself. "A challenge you say?" he stood and turned, "Anything to prove our worth." His huge wings unfolded, reclaimed his sword and left. His wings picked up his sword? And they left him there? Bet Klessel felt pretty silly once they'd done that. :P I'll have a closer look tomorrow, but that's all that stood out at this point. Keep up the good work! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2287396 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Smash Posted February 16, 2010 Author Share Posted February 16, 2010 Thanks Ace for picking up on those I doubt I ever would've noticed... I fixed them up BTW! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2287697 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 "It is my divine right to unite both the power of the Warp and the Strength of Humanity under one banner. The Banner of His Light."Marshal Klessel, on the Eve of Fire, an Hour before the Siege of Euton Prime against the Templars Furioso. Would Klessel still be a Marshal when he made this quote? It's getting harder to spot mistakes with these guys. Good work. :P Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2288486 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Smash Posted February 16, 2010 Author Share Posted February 16, 2010 Yay! It's slowly getting better. Now I just have to add more. Actually how long should an IA be? (hopefully for the Librarium! Yet unlikely...) No I'll change him to Lord. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2288491 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Smash Posted February 20, 2010 Author Share Posted February 20, 2010 No more C and C? Prospective name change. Suggestions? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2292275 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted February 21, 2010 Share Posted February 21, 2010 I spotted something. If the Penitent Devils are originally just the 4th company of the Templars Furioso, how can their organisation be based off of different companies? I dunno how I missed this one last time. :D Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2293163 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Smash Posted February 21, 2010 Author Share Posted February 21, 2010 Thanks. Fixed it. Hopefully the replacement bit will allow me to expand in the beliefs section. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2293169 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother_Kaelgrim Posted February 21, 2010 Share Posted February 21, 2010 Hmm the only thing I really see this needing now is an expansion on Brother Stefan's corruption and how it wormed its way through the crusade. Expound on his role in the Schism, how he got corrupted, how he hid the corruption and in turn corrupted those around him. Also, shouldn't Stefan be honored as a hero to the modern Devils? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2293383 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Smash Posted March 1, 2010 Author Share Posted March 1, 2010 shouldn't Stefan be honored as a hero to the modern Devils? Hmm, never thoughtof that. Thanks mate. I'll work that stuff in when my various assignments are finished. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2300766 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viray Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 Okay, I think I may be missing something, but I find it hard to pin down the exact point when the Penitent Devils decided to devote themselves to Tzeentch. The instance where Klessel kills Stefan seems to be the turning point, but that still implies he is loyal to the Emperor. I do know that you mention that the Devil's view their work under the Emperor as part of Tzeentch's ultimate plan, but you never mention when they adopted this particular view. Personally, I think that your "Origins" section should be expanded a bit more to clear up a bit of the confusion for though I see events of great magnitude taking place, it is difficult for me to mentally tie them in together with the Devils' actions. On an aesthetic note, where is your color scheme, man? :P Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2301222 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Smash Posted March 8, 2010 Author Share Posted March 8, 2010 Working on the text based stuff in word, although haven't been able to do much as I am really bogged down with assignments. As an aside I haven't posted my paint scheme yet as I have to make a Photo bucket account to be able to, don't I? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2308145 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 8, 2010 Share Posted March 8, 2010 Working on the text based stuff in word, although haven't been able to do much as I am really bogged down with assignments. As an aside I haven't posted my paint scheme yet as I have to make a Photo bucket account to be able to, don't I? Nope, not if you used the B&C SM Painter; just get the image url :woot: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2308580 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Smash Posted March 11, 2010 Author Share Posted March 11, 2010 http://bolterandchainsword.com/csm.php?bpe...;gr=74757A& Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2313452 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Hunter Ydalir Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 Death Heralds- Made up of the surviving members of Klessel's Household, the Death Heralds are the only faction to have Terminator Armour in their possession. The Death Heralds are the fewest in number of the factions, with less than 50 members. Penitent Tide- Marines who fit into neither faction fight alongside Terminator Captain Ignis in malleable squads melting and reforming in the heat of battle. The Tide is the largest of the factions, having close to 400 members. How can the former faction be the only ones possessing terminator armour if the latter one follows a terminator captain? Slight but jarring discrepancy. Also the name. Penitence is usually sought or undertaken for a percieved wrong, crime or slight against chapter law, honour and suchlike. Making your 'devils' penitent doesn't make them sound terribly traitorous. If it actually refers to them considering themselves undertaking penitence for serving in the Imperium it is an interesting view to take and deserves to be expanded upon. It still, however even in this context seem a little out of place. That said, it's not impossible. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2313499 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Smash Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 If it actually refers to them considering themselves undertaking penitence for serving in the Imperium it is an interesting view to take and deserves to be expanded upon. It still, however even in this context seem a little out of place. That said, it's not impossible. You hit the nail on the head! The Penitent Devils believe that they must atone for the sinful work that they had done under the banner of the Templars Furioso. Say's that in the belief section, although I probably should expand upon that. Oh and thanks for finding the Terminator Captain mistake! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2316137 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lt. Smash Posted April 30, 2010 Author Share Posted April 30, 2010 UPDATE. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2383790 Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostLegion Posted May 1, 2010 Share Posted May 1, 2010 few quick comments here 1 ) lots of hell going on in this. I understand you are linking in a daemonic possession as part of the faction theme, but so many hells in a row gets me feeling punch drunk. hell, you could use other words for hell and still involve the hellish deamonic possession and themeatic idea. you could easily maintain the name with fewer hells involved. so many hells make me think hell is the main idea, which isnt build in very well, thus making hell into repeated punches....(i dont think i included enough hells here, but i think you get my point...lol) 2 ) Schism...Great Schism...Schism... ok, fine, i get it, they had a fight amongst themselves. similar to the hell problem above, schism so close to schism gets painful to read. I think this is similar to the "dan dan dan dan" issue referenced in post 6 above. not as bad as the hells for me, but still kind of jaring. 3 ) I am not sold on the Recruitment section. right now, it does not seem to add anything to the chapter and feels like a rough break in the story youre weaving of the group. if you really like it, I would suggest moving it to after the organization section...if you dont really like it, i think the article could do without the segment all together. 4 ) "The Penitent Devils gene-seed is originally that of the Imperial Fists, and despite the corrupted nature it encompass' now it is still recognisable as that of Rogal Dorn. " This feels ugly to me. nothing personal. I would recommend modifying it to something like: "The Penitent Devils gene-seed is originally that of the Imperial Fists, though now corrupted and twisted by the Blight." then go on to describe the blight and what it does, how it effects the chapter and all that... just my thoughts there. 5 ) the Organization section feels like bullet comments and incomplete thoughts to me. I would recommend changing it to something like: "The Flock is led by Insert Name Here and..." this is more a style issue, but serves to draw the reader into your concept and idea. engaging the reader is important to keeping interest in the chapter youve created. 6 ) spell check is your friend. some minor tweaks in a word processor could help you out throughout the write-up. (dont shoot me!) again, these are just my quick impressions after reading through. I think you have a lot going on in here and not all of it may be feasable in a single IA write-up. remember, the IA is intended to provide an overview of the chapter/group, giving readers an impression of the organization and covering major themes and backgroud motivations (in my mind anyway). thus, if a minor squabble is mentioned or identified in an IA, it should have a major effect on the group in some noticable way...im looking at this "ice cult" bit youve included and wondering what that has to do with the rest of the IA...pretty confusing to me... Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/192440-the-penitent-devils-30/#findComment-2383962 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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