Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 10, 2010 Share Posted March 10, 2010 Bump: See my previous post! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2312502 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 11, 2010 Author Share Posted March 11, 2010 Format and typos fixed. Doton Incident added. C&C welcome. Come on help me out. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2314042 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 11, 2010 Author Share Posted March 11, 2010 double post for some odd reason. sorry. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2314043 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 Deep within the dead world of Doton, the Lions fought along side a full regiment of the Imperial Guard to beat back a large swarm of Tyranids. In the rough tunnels, the normal tactics of the Lions became confused and combat broke into small close skirmishes. - The commas can go. The Doton Incident doesn't add much, when they're only killing less than a couple of Squads. Did you nick the black lion for the Detroit Lions? Capitalize Scouts, dammit! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2314096 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 11, 2010 Author Share Posted March 11, 2010 Deep within the dead world of Doton, the Lions fought along side a full regiment of the Imperial Guard to beat back a large swarm of Tyranids. In the rough tunnels, the normal tactics of the Lions became confused and combat broke into small close skirmishes. - The commas can go. The Doton Incident doesn't add much, when they're only killing less than a couple of Squads. Did you nick the black lion for the Detroit Lions? Capitalize Scouts, dammit! Doesn't add much? its the first time the Lions have killed Imperial troops. It a recent event and shows a turn in the chapter. Yes ... I think, I just darkened it. every time I use scouts? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2314103 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 Deep within the dead world of Doton, the Lions fought along side a full regiment of the Imperial Guard to beat back a large swarm of Tyranids. In the rough tunnels, the normal tactics of the Lions became confused and combat broke into small close skirmishes. - The commas can go. The Doton Incident doesn't add much, when they're only killing less than a couple of Squads. Did you nick the black lion for the Detroit Lions? Capitalize Scouts, dammit! Doesn't add much? its the first time the Lions have killed Imperial troops. It a recent event and shows a turn in the chapter. Yes ... I think, I just darkened it. every time I use scouts? Aye, but at the level of troops they kill they can justify it by saying they were 'stealer infected. It just doesn't have the oomph-factor, y'know? A Company would be better, as it's fairly large but not too unbelievable. If you refer to Astartes Scouts, the yes... If you're say they first scout the enemy, no. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2314110 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 11, 2010 Author Share Posted March 11, 2010 I guess its important not so much for how many they killed, but the why of them killing them ... out of control in the fury. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2314114 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 I guess its important not so much for how many they killed, but the why of them killing them ... out of control in the fury. No, how many is important. Killing a Squad is a bit.. meh, maybe they just got in the way? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2314126 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 11, 2010 Author Share Posted March 11, 2010 But I made it clear as to why they were killed, they weren't in the way ... they were just there. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2314133 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 But I made it clear as to why they were killed, they weren't in the way ... they were just there. Lets agree to disagree. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2314139 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted March 11, 2010 Share Posted March 11, 2010 What he means is that a squad being killed could have been passed off as accident - such things happen. It doesn't feel big enough to be a problem that anyone would actually care about. Imperial Commanders are not noted for concern for their troops. It'd be the word of a Space Marine Captain or Chapter Master against the Guard commander, though, so I think it'd have to be a pretty big number before anyone really started to notice - SM Captains and CMs are a lot more important than most Guard Colonels, or even Generals. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2314444 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 I understand and agree, however its not put in to show they came close to being attacked over it, its there to show the new step the fury has taken them into. Are there no other concerns, I know it can't be perfect already. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2315392 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted March 12, 2010 Share Posted March 12, 2010 Commander Casius, Supreme Grand Master of the new chapter, immediately sent his fleet to battle dark forces. Casius' poor planning and inexperience nearly lost the Lions on their first campaign. As it was, a full third of the fleet and nearly half the marines perished and the Lions were forced to fall back and regroup. Accepting the blame fully, Casius vowed that never again would a Lion fall because of poor planning and bad intelligence. A little more detail as to what happened - doesn't need to be much, but who were they fighting and what did he do wrong? As the centuries passed, those Scouts became full battle brothers and later sergeants, masters, and even the grand masters composing the Inner Circle. They carried the practice with them. Many secret rites and rituals grew from the practice and within the great halls of of the fleet's Battle Barges and Strike Cruisers, gruesome trophies of battle adorn the walls, and their inner passages are littered with bones. The Lions are careful to keep this hidden from the prying eyes of visitors. Perhaps just the inner sancta and chapels should be littered with bones. People might trip during battle drills, otherwise. :ph34r: At first, it was a rarity. One or two brothers would be overcome by the fury, but as the centuries passed it has become much more prevalent. This, as much as anything else, has added to the chapter’s reputation of savage brutality in combat. So slowly the change occurred that it has yet to send up any red flags or cause undue concern within the Administratum. The chapter’s first company was renamed to the Spectral Lions, reorganized and rearmed to take advantage of this fury. Spectral makes 'em sound sneaky. Bit of a dissonance, there, what with the craziness. It might make more sense if they started out as a sneaky company (though that would make the Terminator armor a little odd) and have slowly become crazy. The name thus highlights their transformation, rather than just seeming odd. So taken by the fury, and finding no more Tyranids to fight, the surviving Spectres turned on the remaining Guards. In the confining space of the tunnels, the Guards didn't stand a chance and quickly were dispatched. Only when no one else was left standing did the Spectres regain their senses. Official reports of the encounter would show the Imperial Guard dying honorably in combat against the Tyranids. How has the Chapter dealt with this event? Much like the Angels of Absolution, their parent chapter, the Lions revere knowledge. Verging on heresy however, knowledge is everything to the Lions, and sharing it amongst the others in the chapter is the highest order. Also like the Angels of Absolution, the Lions believe themselves to be pure from the taint of the Fallen. They see these fallen Dark Angels as no more then any other Chaos Marine and treat them as such. Out of respect for their Dark Angel fore bearers, the Lions maintain the secret of the Fallen. How do they justify keeping this knowledge to themselves? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2315543 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 12, 2010 Author Share Posted March 12, 2010 Finally something to work on over the weekend, thank. It'll be fun ... and I'm not joking, I love this. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2315559 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 14, 2010 Author Share Posted March 14, 2010 3rd Draft up for review. A little more detail as to what happened - doesn't need to be much, but who were they fighting and what did he do wrong? Added a bit of detail. Perhaps just the inner sancta and chapels should be littered with bones. People might trip during battle drills, otherwise. Actually that's what I meant by inner halls, but I reworded to make it more clear. Works out better now ... I think. Spectral makes 'em sound sneaky. Bit of a dissonance, there, what with the craziness. It might make more sense if they started out as a sneaky company (though that would make the Terminator armor a little odd) and have slowly become crazy. The name thus highlights their transformation, rather than just seeming odd. a Spectre is a ghost, I don't see where you get sneaky from. How has the Chapter dealt with this event? Excellent idea, added a bit. How do they justify keeping this knowledge to themselves? Another excellent idea, added a bit about just who is worthy of the chapter's combined knowlege. ++++++++++++++++++++ Also added a bit more throughout, and fixed some of what I saw that needed to make the layout look better to me. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2317914 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 14, 2010 Author Share Posted March 14, 2010 3rd Draft up for review. A little more detail as to what happened - doesn't need to be much, but who were they fighting and what did he do wrong? Added a bit of detail. Perhaps just the inner sancta and chapels should be littered with bones. People might trip during battle drills, otherwise. Actually that's what I meant by inner halls, but I reworded to make it more clear. Works out better now ... I think. Spectral makes 'em sound sneaky. Bit of a dissonance, there, what with the craziness. It might make more sense if they started out as a sneaky company (though that would make the Terminator armor a little odd) and have slowly become crazy. The name thus highlights their transformation, rather than just seeming odd. a Spectre is a ghost, I don't see where you get sneaky from. How has the Chapter dealt with this event? Excellent idea, added a bit. How do they justify keeping this knowledge to themselves? Another excellent idea, added a bit about just who is worthy of the chapter's combined knowlege. ++++++++++++++++++++ Also added a bit more throughout, and fixed some of what I saw that needed to make the layout look better to me. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2317915 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 a Spectre is a ghost, I don't see where you get sneaky from. Ghosts feel sneaky. I mean, traditionally, they can walk through walls, turn invisible, etc. They terrify people, but often don't directly interact with them. Which kind of feels conflicted with an in-your-face assault company. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2317918 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 14, 2010 Author Share Posted March 14, 2010 Ghosts feel sneaky. I mean, traditionally, they can walk through walls, turn invisible, etc. They terrify people, but often don't directly interact with them. Which kind of feels conflicted with an in-your-face assault company. Ghost of Caliban was your idea :lol: Anyway, renamed to Feral Lions Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2318011 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted March 14, 2010 Share Posted March 14, 2010 You'd wanted Ghost Lions. I figured having the Black Lions and the Ghost Lions was too much Lion. So I suggested Ghosts of Caliban (which uses the other half of the Chapter name). Only problem is, well, what I said earlier. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2318530 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfbiter Posted March 15, 2010 Share Posted March 15, 2010 The latest draft reads a lot more cohesively than the previous versions, and the issues with the Dark Angels have been resolved pretty well. Regarding the following section: Over time, due either to ingenuity or necessity, the Scouts began to gather information utilizing the Omophagea implant instead. Although this practice was frowned upon, it was recognized that gathering information in this manner was more efficient and the practice not only continued but flourished within the chapter. Since the sidebar next to this paragraph describes scouts falling on, killing and devouring prisoners, perhaps clarify in the above paragraph that they started gathering information using the Omophagaea, and it expanded into attacking and consuming the bodies of enemies? Though it's shown clearly in the sidebar, it might be good to clarify that in the main paragraph as well. (I tend to read the main body of an IA first, then go back to the sidebars, but that's just me.) Overall, I'm finding it to be a much stronger article now, and it incorporates the basic "devour your enemies" theme much more smoothly and plausibly. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2318729 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 16, 2010 Author Share Posted March 16, 2010 Para edited to clear things up, now reads. Over time, due either to ingenuity or necessity, the Scouts began to gather information by killing and devouring parts of enemy troops and even locals that may have useful information, utilizing the Omophagea implant to quickly learn what they needed. Although this practice was frowned upon, it was recognized that gathering information in this manner was more efficient and the practice not only continued but flourished within the chapter. Anything else before I go final? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2321239 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 Made a few more artistic changes, if there are no further questions .... I guess this puppy is ready. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2324178 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 19, 2010 Author Share Posted March 19, 2010 So ... is this ready for submission? :lol: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2325289 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfbiter Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 So ... is this ready for submission? <_< There are a few minor awkward phrases and places where a comma or two might be needed. I'd suggest one more read-through aloud to yourself, fix any small points or places needing punctuation that you find. That's about it from me! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2326183 Share on other sites More sharing options...
voi shet magir Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 The OP is not even a month old. Maybe you should wait until, like, January. A Cub Learns the Way is representative of the whole article. If you gave it to a ghost writer, he could give it back to you with the exact same content and word count, except that it would be good, and would have a less Golden Books title. Your gastronomic intelligence angle needs even more visibility, because it is good. I do not remember if anyone has posted a chapter that eats each other yet. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/193517-ia-lions-of-caliban/page/4/#findComment-2326273 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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