Index Astartes: Hounds of the Hunt

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

I will be posting version 7.6 when I get home from work today. BloodWulf, Aegnor, Octavulg, and NightrawenII thank you for your comments. The training of the Hounds and the proof of leadership of the Sire are some of the most solid parts of the IA in my opinion. The beliefs and origins section are the ones I feel need the most work, which hopefully I have started to correct in the next version. Thank you again for the comments/critiques.

 

Madwolf

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

Version 7.6 is up. added a little more anti oath breaking and clarified a few points. Comments and Critiques Welcome. Thank you.

 

Madwolf

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

I'm thinking of changing the curse. The Hounds would still be created for an increased healing factor, but they curse would manifest as the marine not healing at all until the Sire's blood is injected. then maybe a third of these brothers die anyway. Any opinions?

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

New version added. Changed the curse. And the Hounds now steal babies. Comments and Critiques welcome.

 

Madwolf

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

I am currently in Spain. I'm still working on my IA. There is still something missing or something that should be removed. Anyone have any suggestions?

 

Madwolf

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

Currently in the process of a rewrite. Removing somethings and tweaking others. I've thought up a different curse and I am fixing the overall flow of the article. I will post it up at its completion.

 

Madwolf

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

Version 9.0 is finished and up. Worked more on the flow. Rewrote the Curse and tried to condense the number of different ideas throughout. Hopefully its more concise and an overall better read. Comments and Critiques welcome and desired. Thank you for your time.

 

Madwolf

[SpecialIssue]

I think this is pretty cool, and their curse of tearing at themselves, as though clawing at their own cursed bodies is actually pretty good IMO, combined with their vaguely tribal/savage theme. The cursed/dark foundings aren't off limits, so long as there is a good, well-thought out idea behind it... which is the hard part.

 

On that note, I suggest drop the rather strange founding/Sire story - it adds nothing too much to the chapter's theme as a whole I think, and just feels a bit odd. While some others might disagree, I think that the cursed foundings (21st, 13th) should be shrouded in mystery, and for good reason. Leaving their beginning slightly ambiguous is acceptable and thematic. Also, instead of specifically stating as fact which genes the Hounds are spliced from, leave this ambiguous as well.

 

eg. "there is varied speculation and wild accusation in the Imperium as to what sacrilegious and blasphemous procedures were used in the chapter's creation. Many see in the Hounds the unique traits of several different chapters and gene-lines, and have suggested that they are the bastard product of the splicing of this material together; others dismiss this as wild fantasy, and counter that the chapter perhaps was an effort to stabilize the Canis Helix in Leman Russ' legacy. Current Imperial records on the matter are mostly obfuscating and vague - the truth long sealed in forgotten vaults by those who wished to hide their mistakes. All that is known for sure is that the Hounds are glaring genetic aberrants. etc"

 

What should be fleshed out well though in a 'cursed' chapter is how they deal with their affliction, and the considerable baggage that being 'cursed' brings. How do you survive your gene's degeneration or high attrition from the affliction? You should be dying out, fighting an uphill battle for survival, always on the brink. The Imperium (and indeed, Mechanicus) are passively hostile and unsupportive, some regarding you as genetic monsters/Frankenstein; tensions with others will always be high. These are traits of the cursed that must all be expounded on, and should be a main theme in any cursed. I just didn't get that feeling from this IA - the chapter just seems to be chugging along quite alright at full strength...

 

At the moment, I think that you need to more clearly highlight the drawbacks/repercussions that the curse is having on the chapter's survival and Imperial relations, which are essentially unavoidable. Otherwise, kudos for sticking with this article, and I quite like its core idea/curse.

Edited May 6, 2011 by SpecialIssueAmmo

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

SpecialIssueAmmo,

 

Thank you for your comments. I have been working on this for awhile and have hidden the gene-seed and now decided to try out in the open. The methods that the Chapter uses are there, they just aren't blatantly stated as such. I wanted a Chapter with no definitive link to a Primarch and a native american culture. After several false starts the 21st founding became the best choice. The Sire is the first of the Hounds and responsible for their Rites and Culture. I will be looking over this again soon to tweak things again. I have to find a way to address the drawbacks and give more about Their interaction with the Imperium without removing the concepts I want to keep.

 

Madwolf

[Ecritter]

Two things really stand out for me.

 

- Never good to try to make your marines better then everyone else's marines. Not a good way to start and will get lots of arguements.

 

- Never too late for a chapter to change homeworlds, more so when its determined that the homeworld is the cause of the curse.

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

back to the drawing board.

 

Madwolf

[Ecritter]

Really just need to tone down the 'we're better' angle and find a new cause for the curse ... nothing big, really :D

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

version 9.1 posted. Purged the we are better than you aspects out (if they are still there please tell what lines as I can't pick them out). Changed the cause of the Curse. Made the specific gene-seed used more of a mystery and gave more of a sense of desperation to the Hounds. Comments and Critiques welcome. Thank you for your time.

 

Madwolf

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

version 9.2 up some minor tweaks here and there.

[NightrawenII]

Hello again.

 

Origins

It is strongly believed that this Founding was achieved in secret by elements of the Imperial Inquisition and the Adeptus Mechanium.

- Adeptus Mechanicus.

 

One thing is certain; the Hounds were founded to hunt. The Hounds hunt the demon, the traitor, and the heretic. Foremost of their prey are the Traitor Legions. They chase the Emperor

[Ace Debonair]

Crikey, this is a fine-sized article.

Righto then, let's give it a readthrough. ^_^

 

PRE-EDIT EDIT:

Apologies in advance - some of my criticisms might come across as a bit harsh.

Rest assured, no offence, soul-crushing or otherwise is intended.

 

At least one profoundly loyal Chapter emerged for this clandestine endeavor. As part of the “Cursed Founding” the Sire was created as an experiment. The intent of this experiment is shrouded in mystery and veiled by time. Some have speculated that they are the products of gene splicing. Some recognize individual genetic traits of several Loyalist Chapters in the Hounds, while others speculate that they are an endeavor to stabilize the Canis Helix.

 

This is somewhat confusing. You go from talking about one guy to talking about a group, very abruptly.

Unless there's a group called 'the sire' which would be using a singular title for a plural entity and a bit odd.

 

Suffice to say, I had to read that bit a few times to make sure I understood it right, so it might need rewording.

 

 

This experiment met with initial failure. The boy that would become the Sire was the twenty-first candidate and the only one to survive. The Sire was implanted with a hybrid gene-seed which was modified to create a “new” gene-line. When he survived, the Sire was trained and subjected to intense psycho-conditioning. Upon maturation and removal of his Progenoids, the Sire was given command of a squad of Inquisitorial Storm troopers. The Sire was to be groomed as the first Master of this fledgling Astartes Chapter.

 

It'd probably be better if the experiment yielded several viable marines, rather than one. The guy who becomes the Sire could just be the Alpha male, so to speak. If you've only one marine, then the sucess of the Chapter balances on a knife's edge. If you've got a few, you can really put the marines through their paces.

 

 

After 50 years of campaigning and several hundred missions later the Hounds were near Chapter strength and the Sire had proven himself as a leader of men.

I'd maybe extend this a bit. It makes it look like the ][ or the AdMech are still taking care of their experimental marines, and hints delicately that the gene-line isn't as stable as say, Guilliman's. Perhaps 80 or 90 years?

 

The Sire was given the title of Houndmaster and was sent to locate a home world on the edge of known space. In the Battle Barge, Hunter of the Stars, the Sire and his genetic brothers claimed recruitment rights to a small system on the edge of known space in the Veiled Region. The Sire decreed the only inhabited planet in the system as their new home world. The Hounds covertly observed the native culture and then began the work of the Chapter. The Hounds began extended patrols across known space seeking their prey.

 

Who awarded him the title? He's already referred to as 'Sire', other titles seem kind of superfluous.

 

Also, why tell your experiment to go to the edges of known space?

You could perhaps work in a short sidebar about whoever's behind them fearing discovery, or something.

 

When the Sire first witnessed this curse he flew into a rage. He prayed to the Emperor for vengeance for the perceived betrayal of the Holy Inquisition and the Adeptus Mechanium. He ordered the corpses of the stricken and his Chief Apothecary to attend him and retreated to the Sanctuary of the Stars to find a cure for the Curse.

I have no idea what this is.

 

Nor do I understand how he could order the corpses of the stricken to attend him, actually. :)

 

At the next Rites of Remembrance the Sire addressed his genetic brothers for the last recorded time. He described the Curse and revealed that a partial cure had been found. The words of the Sire still ring through the ages, “We are Cursed, but we bear no shame. We will serve the Great Father unto our last breath even in our damned state.” The Sire then raised the senior Clan Chief to the rank of Houndmaster and then he turned and walked back into the shadows of the Lodge of Honor.

 

The destiny of the Sire is one of the mysteries the Hounds carry as part of their infamous heritage. None of their oral histories mention the Sire after this moment. The Hounds refuse to elaborate when asked and always refer to their founder in the present tense. Most outsiders who have shown interest in the Hounds’ history attribute this to their Curse.

 

Not sure about this bit at all. There's a partial cure - what is it? Did he disappear before telling the Hounds what it was?

Come to that, his disappearance is a bit... well... weak.

 

With the Space Wolves you get a sense that Leman Russ is out there somewhere, waiting to return.

Here it sounds like the Sire's sitting in the corner of a room with a sheet over his head and pretending he's not in. It could use a touch more epic-saga if you're going this route.

 

Something like:

"Amidst the dark of the night, the Sire slipped away from his brothers. They found tracks leading to the top of the tallest mountain, but of the Sire there was no sign. To this day, opinion on the fate of the Sire is varied within the Chapter, and is a touchy subject that few will willingly broach."

 

Finally, why would researchers attribute a refusal to acknowledge the disappearance as part of their genetic curse?

They'd probably attribute it to just being obstinate, or too naive to understand his death or something, but not a genetic curse.

 

At present the Hounds continue much as they have since their founding. After the Rites of Remembrance they take to the stars seeking the Emperor’s foes. The Imperial Guard units that have heard of the Hounds whisper of strange deaths occurring in their ranks. Most Chapters refuse to make contact with the Hounds and will not fight by their side. Because of their origin and genetic curse there are no great sagas about the Hounds of the Hunt, they are not widely known throughout the Imperium. For the most part, the Hounds carry out their duty to the Emperor alone.

 

Deaths in the Hounds' ranks, or in the Guards' own?

Come to that, if the hounds mostly fight alone, and there aren't any great tales of them, how do Guardsmen units hear about them?

 

The Hounds claim Eametanene as their home world, but it is more a source of aspirants than a base of operations. Eametanene is part of a three planet system in the Veiled Region. The Hounds set up a base camp in a large inactive volcano crater. Training facilities were established, which in the thirty years of observation had become a hidden stronghold. Where most Chapters build immense strongholds, the Hounds built a sprawling facility, mostly open space with a scattering of lodges to store war trophies. This outpost was named the Sanctuary of the Stars and is manned by the oldest Chaplains and Bonetakers. They abduct aspirants and train initiates.

 

Oh, right. ^_^

Unfortunately, I'm now left asking what the heck a Bonetaker is.

 

As a general rule of thumb, it's a good idea when writing to introduce things properly before you refer to them by name only.

You might know what you mean, but unfortunately the reader doesn't.

 

Once every 80 to 90 years, all three moons of Eametanene align and the land trembles. This event is significant to both the culture of the natives and to the Hounds of the Hunt. The natives call this 20 day period of complete darkness, the Rites of Remembrance. The natives believe that during this time the spirits of their ancestors walk and commune with those who are worthy. During this time the natives will not hunt, they participate in great feasts, and huge prayer dances to ward off the dark spirits.

 

And it's important to the Hounds too?

Why's that?

The Hounds of the Hunt were created during the 21st Founding and the true origin of their gene-seed remains locked in the secret facility where they were brought into the service of the Emperor. As unwilling members of the cursed brotherhood of this Founding the Hounds bear a terrible malady which manifests in the forge of battle. Their unorthodox birth was overseen by furtive elements of the Adeptus Mechanium and the Inquisition.

 

Neither the Inquisition or the Admech are overtly keen on blabbing about their secrets.

So how do all the other Chapters find out about the Hounds' odd origins? Do they tell people themselves or something?

 

A partial remedy for the Curse was discovered by the Chapter’s Apothecaries before the Sire’s disappearance. How exactly they stumbled upon this revelation is unclear, but it is the source of torrid speculation. A solution of blood from a Hound mixed with various preservatives administered before the afflicted brother expires will occasionally calm the berserker state and allow the brother to regain control. While not always successful this solution, referred to as the Blood of the Sire, allows the Hounds that do not die from their wounds to rejoin the Hunt. Even when the Blood of the Sire redeems a Hound, he does not remain unchanged, forever after he is significantly more feral than before his ordeal. These few brothers that survive their brush with damnation return to battle in Terminator armor to best utilize their new feral ferocity in close combat.

 

Oh, right. So the Sire didn't just taunt the others with a cure then.

I thought that seemed a bit cruel.

 

By all accounts the Hounds should be a dying Chapter, but somehow they have managed to remain at combat strength. There is speculation that the Hound Apothecaries are knowingly implanting “cursed” gene-seed into new aspirants. This assumption is held by the Ad Mech due to the low traces of mutation found in the Hounds of the Hunt gene-seed tithe. Several organizations of the Imperium have called for a culling of the Hounds, but with their intense loyalty to the Emperor and their mercurial relationship with their lupine cousins saving them for now.

 

Ugh, my head. :)

They suffer a genetic curse because of the gene-seed, don't they? And they know it exists - they have a semi-cure for it.

 

So yeah, I'd say there's some evidence for knowingly using cursed gene-seed. ;)

 

Mercurial relationship with...?

Wouldn't it make more sense if factions within the AdMech and/or Inquisition went out of their way to keep the Hounds alive, even for study purposes?

It's more likely to bar angry mobs from the gate than a throwaway reference to Space Wolves.

 

The most important ritual of the Hounds occurs once every 80 – 90 years where the moons of Eametanene align for twenty days of darkness, called the Rites of Remembrance. During the Rites of Remembrance the Chaplains gather the Chapter to the Sanctuary of the Stars. During this event the Librarians, known among the Hounds as Spirit Seers, chant the history of the Chapter from the creation of the Sire to the present. The Hounds celebrate life for they have seen another Rite of Remembrance without their curse claiming them. As a result of their verbal history the Hounds cherish the few Dreadnoughts they are able to maintain, but most Hounds fear internment as they cannot imagine an existence barred from nature.

 

Ah.

I'm starting to think a lot of the problems with this IA could be solved by a bit of re-organizing and trimming.

 

 

Due to the manifestation of the Curse and the infamous origins of their founding the Hounds are all but considered renegades by the Imperium at large. The Hounds are shunned at every encounter by Imperial forces, which only stop short of open attack on the Hounds. For this reason the Hounds deploy in their two Clans system. The Hounds know that if their forces are under attack their only salvation will come from within their Chapter. Fiercely loyal to the Imperium the Hounds will not hesitate to defend and relieve other Imperial forces and expect only open hostility in return.

 

Uh?

If the Imperium thinks you're a renegade, they'll treat you like a renegade. I think you might be over-egging the 'others don't like them' trend here.

 

 

Finally: If the Scouts are veterans, what do the Hounds do with recruits?

 

And what's a Bonetaker?

 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Overall, there's good points and bad points in the IA.

There's clearly a lot of thought been put into this - and a lot of time and work. Kudos for that.

 

But, the wacky way in which all the things with peculiar names are given reference to before they're explained takes a lot of the quality away.

A reader will be left looking back to make sure they haven't missed something, rather than going 'Ah, that's his Chaplains' or similar.

 

If you can tackle this issue, however, the IA will be markedly improved for it. ^_^

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

Started version 10 last night. This ones gonna take awhile as I wish to avoid the mismatched sections that I've put up in previous versions. My goal is to make the overall IA flow better and to tell the story of my Chapter. Initially this idea started as a "lost primarch" Chapter.

 

NightrawenII, thank you again for your comments.

 

I seen it written both ways but Mechanicus is more frequently used. I will change in the next version.

 

The Veiled region seemed like a cool place at the time. I will ponder this one. The Hunts do campaign for eighty to ninety years at a time

 

The Hounds began several campaigns across the galaxy and fought beside their cousin Astartes and other Imperial organizations. The most devote of their kin distrusted the Hounds because they would not reveal their genetic heritage, but the less rigid Chapters accepted them while very few of their contemporaries placing complete trust in them. Due to the clandestine nature of their founding, the Hounds minimize contact with the Adeptus Mechanium and avoid the agents of the Inquisition.

- Superfluous.

Probably not gonna make into the next draft.

 

After ten years of crusading the Hounds of the Hunt began to experience a bizarre phenomenon.

- Not enough time. With ten years you're still talking about first generation of Hounds, therefore it is most likely that the flaw would have become apparent early in the process, even in Sire.

Fixed this in the next version. pushed it to 150 years and the Sire is more involved.

 

He ordered the corpses of the stricken and his Chief Apothecary to attend him and retreated to the Sanctuary of the Stars to find a cure for the Curse.

~

Several packs of Hounds were recalled to Eametanene to assist with the Sire’s research. These packs never returned to service.

~

At the next Rites of Remembrance the Sire addressed his genetic brothers for the last recorded time.

- Until this point these things weren't adressed in the article.

fixed in version ten

 

The Sire then raised the senior Clan Chief to the rank of Houndmaster and then he turned and walked back into the shadows of the Lodge of Honor.

 

The destiny of the Sire is one of the mysteries the Hounds carry as part of their infamous heritage. None of their oral histories mention the Sire after this moment. The Hounds refuse to elaborate when asked and always refer to their founder in the present tense. Most outsiders who have shown interest in the Hounds’ history attribute this to their Curse.

- Too much Corax/Leman Russ.

I agree completely and after posting it this section more than any other prompted me to start version 10. The Sire's destiny is known, he dies from his wounds.

 

I will revise the Home world section. I think I will combine the Sanctuary of the Stars and the forest. I've realized that some of these out of place parts are leftovers from previous versions. I will scrap the part that don't fit any longer.

 

and another is a slow, but steady introduction of off-worlders into the Eametanene natives’ gene pool. The Hounds save and test orphaned infants from the warzones they visit. These infants are left to the native tribes by the Hounds in an effort to strengthen the gene pool and increase the population of Eametanene.

- Soo, if I understand this right... the people of Eametanene are the source of the curse? And if so why don't Hounds simply recruit from another place?

I really should do a complete edit when I change major plot points. The Curse is a result of the Hybrid gene-seed not the people of Eametanene. fixed in the next version.

 

By all accounts the Hounds should be a dying Chapter, but somehow they have managed to remain at combat strength.

- Miracles happen all the time, I suppose. rolleyes.gif

 

Several organizations of the Imperium have called for a culling of the Hounds, but with their intense loyalty to the Emperor and their mercurial relationship with their lupine cousins saving them for now.

- Neither of them will be any help against the Will of Imperium.

I attribute both of these statements to late night writing, they either require more elaboration or removal.

 

The Houndmakers also maintain the Spirit Grove.

- Important note: Stop inventing strange names for the sake of strange names or at least explain them beforehand. This article is filled with them for no apparent reason and it's becoming really annoying.

Noted

 

The Sire felt betrayed and manipulated by the Adeptus Mechanium when the curse manifested. This sense of betrayal has led to the suspicion of more exotic technology.

- *Exotic technology* is very vague and unfathomable term in the universe, where average Joe-citizen believes that his kettle works because there is little pixie inside.

I was trying to convey a sense of trusting "mechanical," gears, pulleys, and motors versus "exotic," teleportation, energy field generators and the like. I will come up with a way to make this clearer.

 

On every planet they visit they purify a small plot of land, plant a sapling and place a stone from Eametanene etched with the names of the humans that died during the conflict.

- One must wonder where they get such big stones.... The bilance of some wars is around several millions of dead.

I see your point. I will have to revise.

 

Upon making planet fall on new worlds, the most senior Spiritseer present will engage in a ceremonial hunt.

- Why Spiritseer?

Changed it from Chaplains in earlier versions due to the spiritual connection (Spiritseers are Librarians). Looking at it now it makes more sense as Chaplains.

 

The most important ritual of the Hounds occurs once every 80 – 90 years where the moons of Eametanene align for twenty days of darkness, called the Rites of Remembrance. During the Rites of Remembrance the Chaplains gather the Chapter to the Sanctuary of the Stars. During this event the Librarians, known among the Hounds as Spirit Seers, chant the history of the Chapter from the creation of the Sire to the present. The Hounds celebrate life for they have seen another Rite of Remembrance without their curse claiming them. As a result of their verbal history the Hounds cherish the few Dreadnoughts they are able to maintain, but most Hounds fear internment as they cannot imagine an existence barred from nature.

- This was already mentioned in Homeworld section. I don't think that mention it twice serve any (good) purpose.

The first mention is in the Home world section to indicate its significance to the natives. The second time is in the Chapter Cult section to indicated its significance to the Chapter. This is more clear in the rewrite.

 

Those that wish to become Astartes are sent out of the Sanctuary of the Stars with a knife and spear still bloody from their previous ordeal. The Aspirants are tasked with returning to the Sanctuary with the skull of one of the great canine predators of Eametanene.

- One must wonder; What keeps them from running away?

The natives of Eametanene have never seen the Hounds. They believe dark spirits take their young hunter. These "dark spirits are the stuff of nightmares for them. If the boogieman grab you when you were a pre-teen atold you to do something or you die, what would you do?

 

he Hounds of the Hunt are a loosely Codex adherent Chapter.

- Eh?!? What is your definition of non-codex Chapter, then?

This particular point has gone full circle with this Chapter. I guess the question would be, do I give enuff explanation for the Hounds to be codex divergent?

 

Due to the manifestation of the Curse and the infamous origins of their founding the Hounds are all but considered renegades by the Imperium at large. The Hounds are shunned at every encounter by Imperial forces, which only stop short of open attack on the Hounds. For this reason the Hounds deploy in their two Clans system. The Hounds know that if their forces are under attack their only salvation will come from within their Chapter. Fiercely loyal to the Imperium the Hounds will not hesitate to defend and relieve other Imperial forces and expect only open hostility in return.

- And they are still loyal to Imperium? Seriously? S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y???

Gonna have to moderate this from hostility to distrust. The Hounds are loyal to the Emperor and the Imperium as His realm not necessarily to the other organization within the Imperium. Of course this view could cause more, possibly bigger problems.

 

Hounds that have experienced the Curse and have survived through the Blood of the Sire take to the battlefield as Mastiffs. They wear suits of Tactical Dreadnought armor. Terminator armor allows them to inflict maximum damage while making use of their newfound feral spirit. These Hounds are held in awe by their brothers, not only have they survived the dreaded Curse, but they are utterly fearless in their assaults on the Foes of the Emperor.

- Q: You know what is funny fact about TDA? A: It's almost useless ouside of fighting in close quarters, because it's too slow and cumbersome.

Paragraph is changed in version 10, but not sure how the paragraph conflicts with that fact.

 

Sorry for the disappointment, but thank you for the comments I will continue to work on and polish the next draft. Hopefully it will be a better end product.

 

Madwolf

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

Ace,

 

Thank you for your comments. I was replying to NightrawenII's comments when you posted yours. Several of your observations made me chuckle, mostly at my own work. Some of your recommendations have been addressed in the wip version 10 draft. I will address the others.

 

At least one profoundly loyal Chapter emerged for this clandestine endeavor. As part of the “Cursed Founding” the Sire was created as an experiment. The intent of this experiment is shrouded in mystery and veiled by time. Some have speculated that they are the products of gene splicing. Some recognize individual genetic traits of several Loyalist Chapters in the Hounds, while others speculate that they are an endeavor to stabilize the Canis Helix.

 

This is somewhat confusing. You go from talking about one guy to talking about a group, very abruptly.

Unless there's a group called 'the sire' which would be using a singular title for a plural entity and a bit odd.

 

Suffice to say, I had to read that bit a few times to make sure I understood it right, so it might need rewording.

I concur, I will revise.

 

It'd probably be better if the experiment yielded several viable marines, rather than one. The guy who becomes the Sire could just be the Alpha male, so to speak. If you've only one marine, then the sucess of the Chapter balances on a knife's edge. If you've got a few, you can really put the marines through their paces.

This one is going to take a lot of thought. I want the Sire to be the First among equals. I will either revise or change. At this point the Sire is still in the care of the Ad Mech.

 

I'd maybe extend this a bit. It makes it look like the ][ or the AdMech are still taking care of their experimental marines, and hints delicately that the gene-line isn't as stable as say, Guilliman's. Perhaps 80 or 90 years?

AT this point the Ad Mech/Inquisition are still caring for and directing the Hounds. They are not yet officially Founded. The Hound gene-seed is not as stable as Guilliman's because of the Curse.

 

Who awarded him the title? He's already referred to as 'Sire', other titles seem kind of superfluous.

 

Also, why tell your experiment to go to the edges of known space?

You could perhaps work in a short sidebar about whoever's behind them fearing discovery, or something.

The title Houndmaster is the same as Chapter Master in other Chapters. The Inquisition awarded him the title on the day of the Hounds' founding. The Sire is what the Hounds call him because of the "first among equals" status. I like the sidebar idea, maybe I'll work that into the origin section or I might remove one I already have. The only reason I have for the edge of known space is that the Veiled Region was cool when I first started for my Chapter to have disappeared in for several millinnia(sp), but alas I retconned it.

 

I have no idea what this is.

 

Nor do I understand how he could order the corpses of the stricken to attend him, actually.

The Sanctuary of the Stars is the Hounds' "fortress monastary". the part about the corpses is grammatical error.

 

Not sure about this bit at all. There's a partial cure - what is it? Did he disappear before telling the Hounds what it was?

Come to that, his disappearance is a bit... well... weak.

 

With the Space Wolves you get a sense that Leman Russ is out there somewhere, waiting to return.

Here it sounds like the Sire's sitting in the corner of a room with a sheet over his head and pretending he's not in. It could use a touch more epic-saga if you're going this route.

 

Something like:

"Amidst the dark of the night, the Sire slipped away from his brothers. They found tracks leading to the top of the tallest mountain, but of the Sire there was no sign. To this day, opinion on the fate of the Sire is varied within the Chapter, and is a touchy subject that few will willingly broach."

 

Finally, why would researchers attribute a refusal to acknowledge the disappearance as part of their genetic curse?

They'd probably attribute it to just being obstinate, or too naive to understand his death or something, but not a genetic curse.

Most of this has been changed in version 10. The Sire does not vanish. The part about the curse making them reluctant to talk was removed outright as it didn't make any sense to me after I posted it. I attribute this to late night writing.

 

Deaths in the Hounds' ranks, or in the Guards' own?

Come to that, if the hounds mostly fight alone, and there aren't any great tales of them, how do Guardsmen units hear about them?

Revising this part in the rewrite.

 

Wouldn't it make more sense if factions within the AdMech and/or Inquisition went out of their way to keep the Hounds alive, even for study purposes?

It's more likely to bar angry mobs from the gate than a throwaway reference to Space Wolves.

I'm stealing this idea. I will remove the throwaway reference if I haven't already in the redraft.

 

Finally: If the Scouts are veterans, what do the Hounds do with recruits?

 

And what's a Bonetaker?

the recruits are kept on Eametanene until the first Progenoids are mature and then they are admitted into the assault squads. A Bonetaker was a Hound Apothecary as the first cure for the curse required bone marrow from a Hound. With the changing of the Curse in the last few edits I have removed this title. (I think Chaos is afoot as I missed a few). I'm working on clarifying some ideas in the next draft to pull everything together better. The acute need for editing aside I'm still not satisfied with the overall flow, but its getting better. I'm still revising concepts and removing the extra. The first priority was why the name Hounds of the Hunt? (which I've just about got explained in the rewrite.

 

Thank you for your time and comments.

 

Madwolf

[Ace Debonair]

Most of this has been changed in version 10. The Sire does not vanish. The part about the curse making them reluctant to talk was removed outright as it didn't make any sense to me after I posted it. I attribute this to late night writing.

 

This has been scientifically proven* to be the cause of at least 80% of my highest-grade mistakes. ;)

Good to see I'm not alone in randomly deciding it's a great idea to pen an IA at 1AM after a busy day.

 

 

*By my own research, admittedly.

And no, that research was not carried out after midnight. :P

[NightrawenII]

Those that wish to become Astartes are sent out of the Sanctuary of the Stars with a knife and spear still bloody from their previous ordeal. The Aspirants are tasked with returning to the Sanctuary with the skull of one of the great canine predators of Eametanene.

- One must wonder; What keeps them from running away?

The natives of Eametanene have never seen the Hounds. They believe dark spirits take their young hunter. These "dark spirits are the stuff of nightmares for them. If the boogieman grab you when you were a pre-teen atold you to do something or you die, what would you do?

But the recruits are send outside of the Sanctuary to hunt and then return.

 

What keeps the recruit from giving the Hounds a finger and return to his village with the story about the dark spirits and their lair? Also what happens when the recruit meet a natives during this ritual hunt?

Edited May 18, 2011 by NightrawenII

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

Ace, I'm working on a remedy for late night writing caused mistakes, chronic proof reading at random times of the day. I'll let you know if it works.

 

NightrawenII, I see your point. The quick response is that a scout or chaplain shadows the aspirants on the hunt. But I'm gonna have to ponder this and see if there is a better way to facilitate this.

 

I'm about a third of the way through the next rewrite. I'm being particularly vigilant for unfamiliar terms without explanation. After the rewrite I intend to proof read several times before posting. It should be shorter too as I am purging the irrelevant parts.

 

Madwolf

[The 13th Goat]

Ok, lets take a look at this then.

 

The Hounds of the Hunt are the product of a highly modified gene-seed, possibly even a mixture; therefore they do not revere a single Primarch above any other. They recognize that the Primarchs are the sons of the Emperor. The Hounds see the Great Father as their grandfather and the loyal Primarchs as their uncles.

 

All uncles, no dad? Doesn't say much for Mum.

 

On a serious note, geneseed is highly revered. Mixing would consievably be eskewd. It feels like your trying to explain why your chapter imitates the best of many first foundings, which just doesn't really gel. Mystery geneseed, I feel anyway, is fair enough. But modified (and worse, combined) should be avoided. It mostly comes off as tacky.

 

Imperial History is ripe with apparent inconsistencies and mysterious happenings. One of these mysteries is the 21st Founding of the Adeptus Astartes. It is strongly believed that this Founding was achieved in secret by elements of the Imperial Inquisition and the Adeptus Mechanium. The alleged purpose for this secrecy was to hide the possible unsanctioned manipulation of the gene-seed used. These radical individuals are guilty of trying to improve on the creations of the Emperor.

 

Here is what it says in the Lexicanum about the 21st Founding:

 

The Twenty First Founding was the largest Founding of Space Marine Chapters since the Second Founding. It took place shortly before the Age of Apostasy, in M36. The focus of the Twenty First Founding was perfecting and removing deficiencies in flawed gene-seed, and ultimately the production of a new Primarch-like being in project "Homo Sapiens Novus". The Founding itself ended when one of its projects sent a warp signal and alerted Fabius Bile to its existence. The Twenty First Founding is also known as the Cursed Founding, because of the appalling bad luck that seems to dog the Chapters created. Worse still, some Chapters have developed genetic idiosyncrasies, mutations that strain the tolerance of the Inquisition and threaten the Chapter's survival. As a result the Chapters have gradually dwindled in size as their inability to raise and induct recruits means that battle casualties cannot be replaced.

 

By the fact we know about it means it wasn't a secret. I would always be very careful when attributing you chapter to major Imperial events. Your explaniation of things can always irk someone, and source material being like it is you could easily find your chapters fluff royally screwed if GW decide to retecon or change things. Which they do. All the time. ;)

 

As it stand this entry feels like their trying to show horn in Fabius Bile, which shows even GW struggles with the suspension of disbelief.

 

At least one profoundly loyal Chapter emerged for this clandestine endeavor. As part of the

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

Pulled down the last version. I put up the revised Origins and Home world to see if I'm on the right track. I will be posting the other sections as I revise and proof-read them. Comments and critiques welcome.

 

Madwolf

[Octavulg]

It is strongly believed that this Founding was achieved in secret by collaborative conclave of the Imperial Inquisition and the Adeptus Mechanicus.

 

Never heard that before...

 

The Founding day of the Hounds of the Hunt had come. The Sire was christened as the first Houndmaster by the enigmatic Inquisitor who had commissioned his creation. As Houndmaster, the Sire was tasked to hunt the traitor, the xenos, and the heretic. The most hated among his prey was to be the corrupt Astartes of the Traitor Legions. The Sire was to lead The Hounds in the pursuit of the Emperor’s enemies to the ends of the galaxy or to the death of his last brother.

 

The whole Sire thing is unnecessary. As in, completely unnecessary. It just seems like you're copying a Primarch. You could begin your Origins section at the last paragraph, lose almost nothing, and get a lot more time to talk about the chapter instead of talking about their totally awesome first leader.

 

At present the Hounds continue much as they have since the manifestation of the Curse. The brothers of the Sire have become infamous with the Imperial forces that they have fought alongside. These units whisper of berserk savages covered in blood and gore. The Hounds fail to discourage this belief, for when a brother is stricken with the Curse, his behavior will be attributed to the normal actions of an unthinking savage.

 

What, exactly, was supposed to be the positive effect of this curse? That' s the thing about the Cursed Founding - it's always two-edged. They suffer, but there are benefits in every case. So what was the goal here?

 

One option might be to have the curse be their hunting impulses and instincts. Then those who succumb to the curse become better and better at hunting, but less and less able to focus on anything else, finally losing themselves completely and basically turning into dogs.

 

* * *

 

What, exactly, are you trying to accomplish with your chapter? What do you want to focus on? The Sire? The Curse? The culture of the planet? Right now it all kind of feels like afterthoughts, which is a little odd. There doesn't seem to be a coherent goal in mind.

Edited May 27, 2011 by Octavulg

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

Octavulg,

 

Thank you for your comments.

 

QUOTE

It is strongly believed that this Founding was achieved in secret by collaborative conclave of the Imperial Inquisition and the Adeptus Mechanicus.

 

 

Never heard that before...

This is how I understand the story line from the White Dwarf IA on the Cursed Founding.

 

QUOTE

The Founding day of the Hounds of the Hunt had come. The Sire was christened as the first Houndmaster by the enigmatic Inquisitor who had commissioned his creation. As Houndmaster, the Sire was tasked to hunt the traitor, the xenos, and the heretic. The most hated among his prey was to be the corrupt Astartes of the Traitor Legions. The Sire was to lead The Hounds in the pursuit of the Emperor’s enemies to the ends of the galaxy or to the death of his last brother.

 

 

The whole Sire thing is unnecessary. As in, completely unnecessary. It just seems like you're copying a Primarch. You could begin your Origins section at the last paragraph, lose almost nothing, and get a lot more time to talk about the chapter instead of talking about their totally awesome first leader.

I guess I have to come up with a reason for the Sire. The paragraphs are not meant to make the Sire out as "Awesome," but to establish how he earned the right to lead the Chapter.

 

QUOTE

At present the Hounds continue much as they have since the manifestation of the Curse. The brothers of the Sire have become infamous with the Imperial forces that they have fought alongside. These units whisper of berserk savages covered in blood and gore. The Hounds fail to discourage this belief, for when a brother is stricken with the Curse, his behavior will be attributed to the normal actions of an unthinking savage.

 

 

What, exactly, was supposed to be the positive effect of this curse? That' s the thing about the Cursed Founding - it's always two-edged. They suffer, but there are benefits in every case. So what was the goal here?

 

One option might be to have the curse be their hunting impulses and instincts. Then those who succumb to the curse become better and better at hunting, but less and less able to focus on anything else, finally losing themselves completely and basically turning into dogs.

I guess I've kinda lost sight of the benefit part of the curse in the multiple rewrites. When I had a benefit, partial regeneration, the general opinion was it was too much of a benefit or it didn't make sense.

 

What, exactly, are you trying to accomplish with your chapter? What do you want to focus on? The Sire? The Curse? The culture of the planet? Right now it all kind of feels like afterthoughts, which is a little odd. There doesn't seem to be a coherent goal in mind.

My goal with this as evolved as I posted here on the Liber. My goal is a Chapter from the twenty-first founding as I don't want a direct link to a specific Primarch. Based very loosely on native american plains tribes. various canine guides/symbols/totems. The was originally going to be a lost primarch, but after reading the guides I scraped that idea and when with him being the first Chapter master/founder of the Chapter cult. So I need to develop a better reason for the Sire, a benefit for the Curse, and make the entire IA fit together better. I will continue to review this and post as I complete it.

 

Again thank you for your time and critique.

Madwolf

Edited May 27, 2011 by Madwolf Shadowmane