Index Astartes: The Claws of Antioch

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

as a way of seeming all crusadey without too much english influence

 

The Crusaders were not all Richard the Lionhearts men you know. The Templars and Hospitallers to name two of the largest knightly orders or groups were made up of many different nations. English, French, German etc. They were european orders. I'd say though that the Teutonic Knights were made up mostly of Germans simply because the order was born and bred in germany with the express purpose of ethnically cleansing eastern europe.

 

Many different catholic nations participated in the Crusades as well, I don't think direct influence from any one group is more likely than the other really.

 

That said, if you are going to do a DIY it's best to stick to having fewer cultural influences rather than more. If you keep it simple then you are less likely to trip over an over-complicated story.

[Walter Payton]

as a way of seeming all crusadey without too much english influence

 

The Crusaders were not all Richard the Lionhearts men you know. The Templars and Hospitallers to name two of the largest knightly orders or groups were made up of many different nations. English, French, German etc. They were european orders. I'd say though that the Teutonic Knights were made up mostly of Germans simply because the order was born and bred in germany with the express purpose of ethnically cleansing eastern europe.

 

Many different catholic nations participated in the Crusades as well, I don't think direct influence from any one group is more likely than the other really.

 

That said, if you are going to do a DIY it's best to stick to having fewer cultural influences rather than more. If you keep it simple then you are less likely to trip over an over-complicated story.

 

What he said. I plan to keep Latinate surnames, but with European forenames-i.e, the Quotation at the start is from Hervald Aurelius,

[Walter Payton]

Origins and Founding Section up, please C&C!

[Wolfbiter]

@Brother-Captain Alecto

 

I'm really enjoying reading this, and I look forward to more!

 

You are doing a great job fleshing out the sector and making it stand out. I like that you are giving us a vivid description of the region of space your Chapter defends. Your writing is most suitable for the Grim Darkness of the Far Flung Et Cetera. B)

 

A few minor edits and some comments:

 

Your opening quote: Very good. Minor typo "Let or enemies" should be "Let our enemies" in the last sentence.

 

Your sentence about fate not lacking a sense of irony is a bit too complex. Perhaps just say "Fate, however, has a sense of irony."

 

Question: Why does the Mechanicum see the Chapter as "little more" than a useful resource? A Space Marine Chapter is a pretty serious military force to have on your side. Can you clarify why the Mechanicum seems relatively indifferent to their presence? (Later in the article is fine for this.)

 

Origins Section:

I am really torn about your description of the battle with the Iron Menagerie. On one hand, it's great stuff, lots of furious action, great description, etc. On the other hand, the Claws make no appearance whatsoever in it. ;) I really don't want to tell you to drop it, but then again it's a lot to read before actually learning anything about the Chapter itself.

 

Description of the Space Hulk: If warships collided with the hulk 'before the evolution of man' you might want to note if they were alien warships in the description. Otherwise it's very confusing...how did human warships get stuck in before humanity appeared?

 

The Iron Menagerie invasion (kudos, cool name) is described as "the most devastating to date." Is that within Antioch sector? The Imperium as a whole? Maybe offer another invasion for comparison. For example..."since the attack of Waaagh! Gorbak in M.XX XX, which left two worlds in the sector barren of life."

 

"As Sehar’s forces prepared to ransack the Forge World of Ignatum’s Hope, did the Imperium’s mailed fist strike back. Against the traitors." This is awkward. I'd suggest changing to:

 

"As Sehar’s forces prepared to ransack the Forge World of Ignatum’s Hope,the Imperium’s mailed fist struck back against the traitors."

 

It's very good material so far. I'm enjoying it, I'm just wishing there was a way to include the Claws in the Origins sooner. But keep going, by all means.

[Walter Payton]

@Brother-Captain Alecto

 

I'm really enjoying reading this, and I look forward to more!

 

A few minor edits and some comments:

 

Your opening quote: Very good. Minor typo "Let or enemies" should be "Let our enemies" in the last sentence.

 

Thank you very much sir!

 

Your sentence about fate not lacking a sense of irony is a bit too complex. Perhaps just say "Fate, however, has a sense of irony."

 

Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony

 

Okay for you?

 

Question: Why does the Mechanicum see the Chapter as "little more" than a useful resource? A Space Marine Chapter is a pretty serious military force to have on your side. Can you clarify why the Mechanicum seems relatively indifferent to their presence? (Later in the article is fine for this.)

 

Later in the IA it will come up-I plan to include a section about the (torturous) internal politics of the Antioch sector

 

Origins Section:

I am really torn about your description of the battle with the Iron Menagerie. On one hand, it's great stuff, lots of furious action, great description, etc. On the other hand, the Claws make no appearance whatsoever in it. :wacko: I really don't want to tell you to drop it, but then again it's a lot to read before actually learning anything about the Chapter itself.

 

Description of the Space Hulk: If warships collided with the hulk 'before the evolution of man' you might want to note if they were alien warships in the description. Otherwise it's very confusing...how did human warships get stuck in before humanity appeared?

 

The Iron Menagerie invasion (kudos, cool name) is described as "the most devastating to date." Is that within Antioch sector? The Imperium as a whole? Maybe offer another invasion for comparison. For example..."since the attack of Waaagh! Gorbak in M.XX XX, which left two worlds in the sector barren of life."

 

In the Soviet Imperium, it makes no appearance whatsoever in the Claws.

 

I see your point, but if no-one else comments, then I will leave it in. It is more to show how the Antioch sector is so perilous and unstable, and such a prize for the enemies of the Imperium.

 

"As Sehar’s forces prepared to ransack the Forge World of Ignatum’s Hope, did the Imperium’s mailed fist strike back. Against the traitors." This is awkward. I'd suggest changing to:

 

"As Sehar’s forces prepared to ransack the Forge World of Ignatum’s Hope,the Imperium’s mailed fist struck back against the traitors."

 

Cheers!

 

It's very good material so far. I'm enjoying it, I'm just wishing there was a way to include the Claws in the Origins sooner. But keep going, by all means.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

I see your point, but if no-one else comments, then I will leave it in. It is more to show how the Antioch sector is so perilous and unstable, and such a prize for the enemies of the Imperium.

 

Everything is better in an IA if it is qualified. Lack of qualification can often lead to making a reader make leaps of logic, which is a bad thing in an IA.

[Walter Payton]

I see your point, but if no-one else comments, then I will leave it in. It is more to show how the Antioch sector is so perilous and unstable, and such a prize for the enemies of the Imperium.

 

Everything is better in an IA if it is qualified. Lack of qualification can often lead to making a reader make leaps of logic, which is a bad thing in an IA.

 

Have added paragraphs detailing the processes that it led to, as well as expanded the section in general.

[Reyner]

Just had a read through. Very good work so far, look forward to hearing more.

 

My only gripe is towards the end of the Origins section concerning Captain Fournier. You mention Axe Brethren alot, not sure if this is deliberate or an oversight.

 

Iron Gauntlet 6/20 (Think it's around 6 :D)

[Walter Payton]

Just had a read through. Very good work so far, look forward to hearing more.

 

My only gripe is towards the end of the Origins section concerning Captain Fournier. You mention Axe Brethren alot, not sure if this is deliberate or an oversight.

 

Iron Gauntlet 6/20 (Think it's around 6 :P)

 

Yeah, I forgot to add in a line descriving the fact that they were trained by the Axe Brethren, its in there now!

 

 

6/20 so far, or just, 6/20? I want to submit a chapter that is more than 30% :P

[Reyner]

Oh no no no, I wasn't scoring you! Was keeping track of the other part of the Iron Gauntlet (helping others <_<)

[Walter Payton]

Oh no no no, I wasn't scoring you! Was keeping track of the other part of the Iron Gauntlet (helping others :D)

 

Oh, I have been seeing these things around, and I thought that they were scores-well done for your help, and thanks again! :cuss

[Octavulg]

IAs top out at five thousand words. You have two thousand, and you're not really through the Origins.

 

That's...not a good balance.

[Walter Payton]

IAs top out at five thousand words. You have two thousand, and you're not really through the Origins.

 

That's...not a good balance.

 

Okay then-however, as Ultras sucessors, some of the other sections will be fairly short-Geneseeed-Works fine.

 

I still have to do:

 

Organization

Homeworld

Doctrine

Internal Politics of the Antioch Sector

Geneseed

Motto

Battlecry

 

Of those, Geneseed, Motto, Organization and Battle-Cry shall be fairly short. Tomorrow I will rework the origins sector, but I can't be bothered tonight :D

 

I know this is inviting disaster but: Any comment on what is already up there?

[Octavulg]

You take a long time to get to the formative events of the chapter. An even longer time to get through those. And I'm not sure any of it really matters to who the Chapter is.

[Walter Payton]

You take a long time to get to the formative events of the chapter. An even longer time to get through those. And I'm not sure any of it really matters to who the Chapter is.

 

Have edited out the most laboured parts of the Origins and Introduction sections. Please C&C.

[Octavulg]

Dude. Building an IA works a lot better like a house - build the framework, then expand it and finalize it.

 

You seem to be trying to build a room, furnish it, move in the family, then move on to the next. That's...not gonna work well.

 

What about the rest of the IA? We still know nothing about the Chapter's later history, their home world, their geneseed, their combat doctrine, their beliefs, their organization, their battle-cry, not even any notable battles.

 

What about everything else?

[Marshal Rohr]

If it hasn't been suggested, make an bullet point outline of every single thing you want in your Chapter. Under each bullet point, answer who, what, when, why, and how, focusing specifically on the why and how. If you cant get a good enough why or how, drop the whole idea, because you wont be able to execute it in the full IA. Use this outline to guide you in building the rest of your IA.