IA: Sons of Demetos, the Beginning.

[Dosjetka]

Another IA from me. As always, C&C greatly appreciated and enciuraged! :(

 

++ Begin transmition ++

 

Sons of Demetos

 

Origins :

 

The Sons of Demetos were created in early M.33, during the 8th Founding. The sole reason for their creation was to guard the extreme western part of the Ultima Segmentum against the Orks of the Charadon Empire as more and more forces were siphonned away to large and more important battle zones, though now they have many other roles, including guarding the warp rift <insert name here> in the Pellas sub-sector from where raids of Chaos and xenos forces are frequent. The worlds on the border of the Ork Empire could not be left without defence and so the High Lords of Terra decided for yet another Astartes Chapter to see the light. The Sons of Demetos were created.

 

History :

 

After the decision for another Space Marine Chapter to be created was passed, a gene-seed for the new Chapter had to be selected. Bearing, as always, no trace of mutation or corruption, the Ultramarine’s gene-seed was selected.

After having chosen this, a small group of veterans from the founding Chapter were selected. Captain Demetos of the Sons of Orar’s 4th Company was chosen along with nine veterans from the 1st company. These were to be the Chapter’s Master and Captains.

The world of Setlon was chosen to be the Chapter’s recruitment ground and the ten Astartes landed upon the planet. They were immeadiately surrounded by a group of warriors. These were clad in primitive armour and only had basic weapons but they showed courage beyond what was expected. Not a single warrior fled, even though the ironclad giants were more than a meter taller than the tallest of them. After being taken to the tribe’s leader, they were questionned about their visit.

 

Homeworld :

 

Setlon is a Feral World on the edge of the Ultima Segmentum. Though now their technology level has gone up they still refuse to use las weapons and solely use solid-round weapons such as autoguns and the such along with axes, swords and lances, among others, as close combat weapons.

Setlonii are hardy people. The nature around them demands it and the raids from the Orks have toughened them more as well as creating a hate for the filthy greenskins.

 

Beliefs :

The Setlonii do not adhere to the Imperial Cult of the God-Emperor. The Astartes who recruit from them have only hinted that they serve "the Master of the Skies", a great hero. Nothing more about him is known about him.

 

Combat Doctrine :

 

The Sons of Demetos do not prefer a single way of fighting. Instead they embrace them all and apply the appropriate tactics to each battle they fight.

 

Organisation :

 

The organisation of the Sons of Demetos is completely Codex adherent. The Astartes strictly follow the teachings of their Primarch and do not seek to change them in any way, though the Captains may use their own initaiative as they see fit.

 

Gene-seed :

 

The gene-seed of the Sons of Demetos is the same as all of the Ultramarine’s decendants and so they suffer form no mutation, something the Sons of Demetos take pride in as mutation and corruption of their gene-seed would be inexcusable and would lead them on the path of damnation.

 

Battlecry :

 

"With the fury of Guilliman!"

 

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[Captain Juan Juarez]

Battlecry :

 

« For Guilliman and Demetos, our Fathers ! We will not decieve them on the bloody altar of war ! »

 

I can't help but imagine all your Marines impaled by an Ork by the time they've finished shouting that!

[Dosjetka]

Battlecry :

 

« For Guilliman and Demetos, our Fathers ! We will not decieve them on the bloody altar of war ! »

 

I can't help but imagine all your Marines impaled by an Ork by the time they've finished shouting that!

:D Would "We will not decieve our Fathers on the altar of war !" be better or still too long? What do you think of the rest of it?

[Captain Juan Juarez]

The Setlonii did not know about the Imperial Cult before the arrival of Demetos and his men. The Astartes introduced the Emperor as the greatest hero of all times rather than a god. The Ecclesiarchy spoke pout against this as soon as it was discovered this but there was nothing they could do on Setlon, an Astartes recruitment planet.

- Unless the world was already in the Imperial domain, I can't see there being any Ecclesiarchy presence from the off - Remember, on feral worlds new Chapters don't introduce them to the Imperial Church rather they hint at the Sky Father or some such as all powerful.

 

Only in the direst of circumstances do the Captains of the Sons of Demetos use their own initiative to seek out the best tactic for the battle being fought.

- Poorly worded; if they do not use their initiative then they wouldn't take advantage of a break in enemy lines for example.

 

We will not decieve our Fathers on the altar of war.

- Either that or the original is better served as a motto rather than a battlecry.

[Ecritter]

I think you'll find those origins and mission to be quite limiting for you, otherwise its quite nice.

 

I do agree on the battlecry .... it doesn't scare or inspire me at all.

[Dosjetka]

I think you'll find those origins and mission to be quite limiting for you, otherwise its quite nice.

I don't quite get what you mean here...

 

Ok, then I'll chuck out the battlecry and get another <_<

 

Edit: I've chucked out the battlecry, changed the Battle Doctrines part and changed the Beliefs part. Any other mistakes anywhere?

[Wolfbiter]

EDIT: Double post...board went wonky as I was posting earlier.

[Wolfbiter]

@OP:

 

Right now, the Chapter seems to be lacking in something to give it specific flavor and make it stand out. They are a Codex-based Ultramarines Chapter, that's OK. They fight the Orks of Charadon, that's OK. They recruit from a primitive world, that's OK. But so far (I understand this is an early stage), their description could be used for many other Chapters.

 

You need something that makes them more uniquely your own. It doesn't have to be over-the-top, but you need to develop one or more aspects of your IA so that it catches the reader's attention. Examples could include:

 

1) Homeworld: is their anything strange, mysterious or unusual about the homeworld? Has the culture of the native recruits affected the Chapter's beliefs and practices in any way?

 

2) Chapter beliefs and practices: Do they observe rites or beliefs that are either distinctive or radically different from other Space Marines?

 

3) Enemies: Has dedicating themselves to fighting Orks affected them? Are they becoming more ruthless or barbarous as a result of fighting Orks? (In the old Titan Legions game, Legio Metallica fought Orks so often they started acting like them, blasting the chant "Big Death! Big Death!" from their Titan loudspeakers). Since Orks are incredibly difficult to extract from a planet once they land (because they leave spores that grow into new Orks); do they have to be extra-heartless when cleansing Ork-infested planets?

 

4) Interactions with other Imperial forces: Do they have an unusual positive or negative relationship with other Imperial forces (guard regiments, other chapters, MAYBE the Inquisition, though many people, including myself, have used the Inquisition)?

 

5) Founder: Did Demetros influence them with a particular outlook or ethical code? (Note: If you do this one, I strongly recommend against the stereotypical "Throw out the Codex Astartes" approach. But for example, perhaps Demetros urged them never to leave a wounded battle-brother behind on the battlefield. Something like that, perhaps.

 

Hope these give you some ideas. Good luck!

 

P.S. I also recommend against making Ork-fighting their sole mission...it limits what they can do. However, there's nothing wrong with making that their primary mission or specialty. But if a Chaos warband comes raiding through their sector, or a Tyranid splinter fleet shows up, I can't imagine them saying, "Sorry guys, we only fight Orks."

[Captain Juan Juarez]

P.S. I also recommend against making Ork-fighting their sole mission...it limits what they can do. However, there's nothing wrong with making that their primary mission or specialty. But if a Chaos warband comes raiding through their sector, or a Tyranid splinter fleet shows up, I can't imagine them saying, "Sorry guys, we only fight Orks."

 

+1 Orks are Preferred Enemy basically, but death to enemies of the Imperium is paramount.

[Ecritter]

thats the limit I was alluding to.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

thats the limit I was alluding to.

 

I was just being a little more succint! :lol:

[Ecritter]

I just picture an attack of Tyranids and the chapter saying "sorry, we only fight Orks ... good luck though."

[Dosjetka]

Hello folks!

I am back again with a new battlecry and a few updates here and there in my IA!

Battlecry: "Cleanse with the fury of Guilliman!" or "For our Fathers and Death!"

 

Updates:

- Origins

- Homeworld

- Beliefs

- Battlecry

 

C&C is, as always, welcome and needed! ;)

[Captain Juan Juarez]

With the fury of Guilliman!

- The above sounds a lot more fitting.

[Dosjetka]

With the fury of Guilliman!

- The above sounds a lot more fitting.

So you suggest to only put "With the fury of Guilliman!"?

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Yup, it's short enough to be roared before racing to a fight but also it sounds quite cool :lol:

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

That is indeed what he is suggesting. I'd agree, battlecries need to be succinct.

 

Think of a martial art, let's take Karate as a well known example.

 

Part of the training you undertake is to scream or shout when performing certain actions, in Karate this would be most strikes since it is a form made up of striking manuevers more than say Judo, which is mostly throws. The scream or shout is meant to intimidate your enemy, putting him off balance. It is also, however, intended to psyche up the wielder of the blow, to focus your energy and release it in a short, sharp burst.

 

A warcry or battlecry is very similar. You are both psyching yourself up and trying to indimidate the enemy all at once.

 

You go into a rambling treatise on the nature of your primarchs anger and where it came from and you end up with the oppossite effect. Something short, sharp and to the point is what's needed. Something that you can shout at your enemy as you bowl towards him with the intent of ripping him in half but that you don't have to start reciting when you're still a thousand yards away just to make sure you finish it in time.

[Dosjetka]

You go into a rambling treatise on the nature of your primarchs anger and where it came from and you end up with the oppossite effect. Something short, sharp and to the point is what's needed. Something that you can shout at your enemy as you bowl towards him with the intent of ripping him in half but that you don't have to start reciting when you're still a thousand yards away just to make sure you finish it in time.

This made me laugh so hard... :lol: nearly fell off my chair... :D

Ok, I get it, so "With the fury of Guilliman!" it is then ;)