Bloody Serpents

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Basic stuff:

 

Founding: 5th

Homeworld: 70% water, 10% borderlands, 20% desert.

Character: Unusual missions are forte', brutal close combat, tendency to rapidly deploy lots of marines. Preference leaning towards lightning raids and keeping the enemy on the back foot whilst others defend. Close relations with =][=, but are generally loner status, even inside the chapter.

Geneseed: UM

Beliefs: strike fast and pour as much power as you can when you do. Best defence is great offense. Emperor was mighty warrior, and He made sure we didn't fall to Chaos. See no reason to undo that.

 

That's all I have for now, but I am thinking of making them fleet based.

 

Before you say something, Ace, this is one of the chapters I have been waiting to do.

[Ecritter]

Looks great, Homeworld looks like my next DIY project Chapters .... but its okay. I'm sure there are alot of worlds like that out there. I look forward to seeing more.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

This OP is almost spam, it contains so little information. Also, taking a break means skiing, or going to an NIT game, or staring at the ceiling without moving because you are afraid of anyone you live with remembering that you exist.

 

I think most people knew what I meant.

Is this a desert Home World? Lots of places are probably 7/10 ocean. Considering "close with the inquisition" does not mean anything, and their combat doctrine is the same as all other chapters', and you have no origin, the home world is the only thing close to information, but then you say it may not even matter because they do not have a Home World after all.

 

downvote

 

Also, patience. I like to think thing through. Most things are better wll thought through.

 

This was set up to give a feel for the character, for when I actually write the IA.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

So, lets see. Homeworld, homeworld, homeworld....

 

About 50% of the people live in the oceans. They harvest various underwater things that make various substances that Imperium likes, and a select elite get to be hunters. They hunt for meat, and usually kill whales and sharks. Few manage to defeat a serpent, with it's nigh impenetratable hide and lethal fangs. Those who do so are usually inducted into the Bloody Serpents.

 

The rest of the people live in the desert. They too hunt the serpent, only it is a land variation of the serpents their aquatic neighbors hunt. However, the desert is a much harsher enviroment to live in, and the serpents much more common, but no less deadly. Thus, the chapter more often recruits from the desert natives.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Sorry guys. Forum ate my post.

 

Loner status deal: Although the Bloddy Serpents fight alongside other Imperial forces often, they do not general attempt to build relations with those forces. They are generally seen as cold and distant, and it is not far from the truth. Even amongst their battle-brothers in the chapter there is little camadrae, most focussing inward to improve self suffeicency and ability to operate alone. This also forces the marines to become intelligent and calculating, but at the same time it allows marines to become highly individual, for they are not influenced by outside sources as much.

 

In time, marines form the bonds of trust through years of battle. However, that pariah instinct is always present, always shunning true brotherhood.

[Retributis]

Homeworld reminds me a lot of Ithaka of the Iron Snakes.

[Ace Debonair]

Before you say something, Ace, this is one of the chapters I have been waiting to do.

 

:D

 

Quick question.

What type of lands, exactly, do you mean by 'borderlands'? As far as I'm aware it doesn't account for a type of terrain.

Although I assume you're taking some inspiration from the computer game of the same name as far as terrain goes.

 

 

Emperor was mighty warrior, and He made sure we didn't fall to Chaos. See no reason to undo that.

 

Undo, eh? :D

I'm intrigued. Don't rush anything on my account, but rest assured I'm looking forward to the beliefs. ;)

About 50% of the people live in the oceans. They harvest various underwater things that make various substances that Imperium likes, and a select elite get to be hunters. They hunt for meat, and usually kill whales and sharks. Few manage to defeat a serpent, with it's nigh impenetratable hide and lethal fangs. Those who do so are usually inducted into the Bloody Serpents.

 

Remember you're not recruiting fully grown folks. ;)

[Ferrata]

Just to make a wee comment on the name, I feel it sounds like someone complaining about Serpents more than a fearful chapter. I can hear someone responding to the question "What happened to your crops?" going "Bloody Serpents..." :(

 

I don't know how "unusual" missions can be somebody's speciality, by definition they are unusual. Thinking outside the box might suggest they are better at responding to unusual missions in comparison to their stricter brothers. This could come with a nice twist that they have sometimes lost when they should have won because they tried to be different and alternative and instead got killed.

[Ace Debonair]

Just to make a wee comment on the name, I feel it sounds like someone complaining about Serpents more than a fearful chapter. I can hear someone responding to the question "What happened to your crops?" going "Bloody Serpents..." :D

 

I don't know how "unusual" missions can be somebody's speciality, by definition they are unusual. Thinking outside the box might suggest they are better at responding to unusual missions in comparison to their stricter brothers. This could come with a nice twist that they have sometimes lost when they should have won because they tried to be different and alternative and instead got killed.

 

That could be a cool idea. Radical responses to what you might call ordinary missions that don't quite go as planned.

 

First alternative name that suggested itself was 'Gore Serpents', but that sounds decidedly too... traitor-warband-y, doesn't it? :(

[Ferrata]

Do I have to post the joke again? If I post it anymore times, people might start thinking I'm a funny, nice guy to talk to and we don't want that. You know, fear the Moderator and all that :D

 

On a more serious note, Gore Serpents isn't much better, I think it would be the response of the other person in the story "Gore, Serpents?". How about making it sound stupidly latin? Serpentus Sanguine?

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Ferratta, that was hilarious. I didn't even think of that (I live in the US).

 

Anyways, Serpents Sanguine is very sssssssssire ssssaaaasssshhhhheeeeeeee..... For those of you who get the reference, - ten points.

 

But the point is way too many sssssssssss in it. I thought Bloody Serpents sounded really cool, and ironicly your comment made me want to keep the name.

 

The new painter is out, So I'll be back in a few.. with some links to pictures, seeing as pictures don't cooperate very well with me :D

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Forgot, unusual missions like underwater and in space, stuff like that.

So, Bloody Serpents.

What I'll do is paint them greem - and then I'll give them a light wash of red.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Every single thread I start in this Forum I end up triple posting in! This is ridiculus!

 

On Ace's suggestion, I'll serve up some beiefs. BTW, how do you spell that?

 

They Beleive the Emperor made the primarchs and their legions to safeguard against Chaos when the end of the Great Crusade came. He knew that Chaos existed not only in the minds of xenos and the warp but in the souls of men and so created being who were more than men, beings He beleived that He would teach when they were finally finished.

 

But it was not to be. The primarchs were scattered, and because of that they failed to recieve the teachings that the Emperor had planned to teach them. Even then, half the primarchs were still loyal to the Emperor, and they passed down that natural hatred of Chaos to their legions.

 

The Serpents venerate the Emperor for this, seeing how debased and twisted those who follow Chaos become. Even those who are immesely powerful are still evil and have no care for humanity, save for sport.

 

Going to make them very loving of humanity, not the most loving but still very protective. Almost like a father to his child. They were made to protect humanity, and Chaos is evil so... they do their jobs.

[Grand Master Tyrak]

Close relations with =][=, but are generally loner status, even inside the chapter.

 

You do realise what this means, right? That your Chapter will spend its time running all over the Imperium kissing the backside of every Inquisitor it comes across, and then having to continually repeat this because Inquisitors (being human) keep dying off? That's what good relations with the Inquisition means. You're not going to have time to do your duty of fighting the Emperor's enemies if you try this. Added to that you've only got 1000 Space Marines to cover the entire Imperium, and Inquisitors are generally hard to find anyway.

 

If you want to add some =][= stuff in, set your sights lower. You can't easily deal with the Inquisition on anything but the level of the individual Inquisitor, and it's impossible to deal with them on anything higher than a factional level. In the same way that being based in Segmentum Obscurus means you aren't going to run across Tau, it means that you won't have access to Inquisitors who work on the Eastern Fringe either. Try a single Inquisitor, a small group of Inquisitors, a regional group like a conclave or a regional branch of a faction.

 

Finally, what does this add to your Chapter? At the moment, I'd say it only detracts from your 'loner' theme.

[Sigismund Himself]

Few manage to defeat a serpent, with it's nigh impenetratable hide and lethal fangs. Those who do so are usually inducted into the Bloody Serpents.

Why are the kids able to defeat a nigh impenetrable hided serpent when adults seem to think it's impossible.

 

A space marine chapter operates on bonds between brothers. You trust your squadmates to cover you. You trust your sergeant to keep your squad alive. You trust your captain to have the best plan of battle. This is something that is indoctrinated during the hypnotherapy recruits go through and reinforced by decades of action alongside your gene brothers. You really need to explain what you're going to substitute it with a lot better and how/why there is such a deviation from the norm.

 

Every single thread I start in this Forum I end up triple posting in! This is ridiculus!

Maybe that should be telling you something?

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Few manage to defeat a serpent, with it's nigh impenetratable hide and lethal fangs. Those who do so are usually inducted into the Bloody Serpents.

Why are the kids able to defeat a nigh impenetrable hided serpent when adults seem to think it's impossible.

 

A space marine chapter operates on bonds between brothers. You trust your squadmates to cover you. You trust your sergeant to keep your squad alive. You trust your captain to have the best plan of battle. This is something that is indoctrinated during the hypnotherapy recruits go through and reinforced by decades of action alongside your gene brothers. You really need to explain what you're going to substitute it with a lot better and how/why there is such a deviation from the norm.

 

Every single thread I start in this Forum I end up triple posting in! This is ridiculus!

Maybe that should be telling you something?

 

Ah! You wound me! :cuss

 

Hmm, good point about the serpents being too deadly. Last time I checked, Space Marines only take the teens (12 to 14 isn't a kid, it's a young teenager) that could prove themselves to be the best of the best, and since only the best of the best are able to do such things... I'll tone it down, and I should clarify defeat - I honestly meant that it would wound it enough that it's need to recover would overcome the need to attack and so it would flee.

 

On brotherhood and trust -

 

They work as a unit, and they trust each other... but it's a different type of trust. I can trust my sibling to feel what I feel, to sympathize, to know that I am human and I have emotions and everything, and that that is worth something. Their trust is more of "Ok, you've proven yourself on a hundred battlefields - you're competent."

 

They know their squadmates will do their duty and try and make the best decisions they can. They know their superiors will do the same. They do not trust them to know, to understand. To be brothers, not just... coworkers.

 

Sigismund, do you get what I am saying here?

 

Tyrak - hmmm, good point. I'll probably drop that.

 

"Added to that you've only got 1000 Space Marines to cover the entire Imperium, and Inquisitors are generally hard to find anyway. "

 

Have you ever heard the 1000 marine myth? But I get your point. Again, I'll probably drop it.

[Leonaides]

So they might serve for a couple of hundred years with the other guys in theri squadd, and yet never get to know them - what theri character is like, are they all doom and gloom or have a tendancy towards levity, etc.

 

Did you get to know anyone at your school like that - the class joker, the class goth (for want of a better example - be nice)? And school is only for 10 years of so?

 

Somehitng must be actively driving these guys not to bond like that, and you've given no idea what is doing it, or why - which is a problem. I recommend you find the book that the TV series "band of brothers" was based on for an idea of how those bonds occur in a fighting unit. Then you can have a think about why this chapter has no such bonds, and come up with a reason for it thats even vaguely believable...

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

So they might serve for a couple of hundred years with the other guys in theri squadd, and yet never get to know them - what theri character is like, are they all doom and gloom or have a tendancy towards levity, etc.

 

Did you get to know anyone at your school like that - the class joker, the class goth (for want of a better example - be nice)? And school is only for 10 years of so?

 

Somehitng must be actively driving these guys not to bond like that, and you've given no idea what is doing it, or why - which is a problem. I recommend you find the book that the TV series "band of brothers" was based on for an idea of how those bonds occur in a fighting unit. Then you can have a think about why this chapter has no such bonds, and come up with a reason for it thats even vaguely believable...

 

Leonides, you just reminded me of rule number 1 - why, why, why, is so important....

 

Doom and gloom wasn't what I was going for, although I can see how you get that. I was actually thinking... not quite conceited, but maybe something like "I don't need you, I am completely self suffeceint emotionally" kinda thing. Aloof maybe?

 

Oh yeah, they get to know each other, that doesn't mean they like each other. I think their bond as a unit is more like "x tends to work better on point, y is a better shot..." They know how each other fight, and how they work best, and what they are going to do in whatever situation.... and they know each other's character. they just don't connect.

 

It's like squadmates who are interested in the same hobby but don't talk about the hobby.

 

I need to work on a why though....

[Leonaides]

But marines arent totally emotionally self-sufficient. The ones who thing they are tend to become fully fledged chaos marines fairly soon afterwards. They need each other to fight alongside and for... respect, teamwork, personality, all these things will exist. Even a techguard unit has these things - and they've got more cyvbernetics and programming than just about anything this side of a servitor.

 

I'd strongly suggest you tome down this isolationist outlook (on the individual marine level anyway - nothing wrong with teh whole chapter being in an US and THEM relationship with the rest of the Imperium).

[The Normish]

If Bloody Serpents is too awkward a name, maybe Blood Serpents would do.

The Color scheme somehow seems awkward. Maybe all red, but with cyan shoulders?

The "trial-by-serpent" idea seems similar to the Ork Snakebite clan's customs. Perhaps the Home world is infested by Orks and somehow the cultures were blended (even though there is constant fighting)?

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

But marines arent totally emotionally self-sufficient. The ones who thing they are tend to become fully fledged chaos marines fairly soon afterwards. They need each other to fight alongside and for... respect, teamwork, personality, all these things will exist. Even a techguard unit has these things - and they've got more cyvbernetics and programming than just about anything this side of a servitor.

 

I'd strongly suggest you tome down this isolationist outlook (on the individual marine level anyway - nothing wrong with teh whole chapter being in an US and THEM relationship with the rest of the Imperium).

 

 

Ah ha!

 

And thats why their beliefs are the way they are.

 

They know they are a step from Chaos, and they know it is naught but lies and deciet. This has been drilled into them not only in the original psychotherapy but every hour of every day to themselves.

 

There are always those who doubt. Whose faith is weak. But that's why they still have chaplains, for those who still have doubt, and for those moments in everybodies life when they doubt.

 

Hey do you guys have a feel for the character yet? Because this is what I'm trying to establish before I do anything else, before I truly expand.

 

The Normish - I haven't read the ork codex, but I imagine that it is shared by them because it's effective... 'whistles'

[Leonaides]

Eh? Since when? Please show me where in any of your previous posts you say how the entire chapter is/has been turning to Chaos for several hundred years... If you're going to go back to suddenly ret-conning you chapter as soon as someone points out a hole in them, dont expect to get much helpful criticism.

 

Are you saying that the chaplains are only there for the marines who still trust each other and have a true bond of brotherhood? Unless the Chaplains share that bond then how do they help the others? If they do share that bond, then judging by the standards of the rest of your chapter then they are failiures. Why would they be chaplains?

 

How about putting all these bits and pieces you have scattered around the thread in one post, so everyone can see what your current story is?

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Why are you assuming they have turned to Chaos? :(

 

The basic thing is - they keep themselves in line, because they don't have the true brotherhood required to let anybody into their trust.