Wraiths of Darkness

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

It's been 24 hours... no response... Gaaaah!

[Ace Debonair]

It's been 24 hours... no response... Gaaaah!

So, another typical day in the liber then. :P

Also there's only ten hours between that post and the one before it.

 

The wheels of the Liber grind slow, but they grind exceedingly small. :P

I'll take a look through later, time permitting.

[Ace Debonair]

Took a look at your sidebar for you - here's what I came up with as far as mistakes go.

 

Eventually, the war-leader of the the Fifth was converted, and shortly aftwerwards the Librarian and his force arrived.

 

Haemon saw the power of those who worshipped Chaos, and initially thought to alert the Phantom Lord... but decided against it after being offered the position of leader of the Fifth. Haemon accepted, and turned his powers to turning the other Librarians to the service of the Dark Gods.

And this is the mental dialogue that occured in my head:

War Leader: "Hey, if you turn to Chaos you can have my job."

Haemon "I always did want to rule one eleventh of a warband with only two other people to answer to - you're on. Go Chaos!" :lol:

 

Unseen war ensued. Wraiths were ambushing Wraiths, and the two forces of Wraiths fought to a stalemate, the power of Chaos and superiour numbers matching the elites of the Wraiths skill and prowess. Haemon was now called the Heretic Lord by the loyal Wraiths, his power growing with every one of his former brothers that he killed. He had no match, and even cut down the Master of Shadows in personal combat.

Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me that because two thirds of the warband turned to Chaos, they suddenly got weaker than the ones that didn't?

Given the pragmatic nature you wanted of the Wraiths, why would they do anything that would make them weaker?

 

The loyalist Wraiths grew desperate then, and forced they and the traitors into one confrontation. It was there that the Loyalists used their all or nothing card, the True Wraith... and its deadliest cargo. The Wraiths battled, and eventually the Loyalists won out, but while the rest of the traitorous forces fled, the strike cruiser commanded by Haemon himself struck the already wounded True Wraith. It was crippled, but it still managed to do very important things.

And the deadly cargo was...?

 

I think the word 'two' is missing from the last sentence. :D

 

Haemon survived, and teleported himself using his dark powers to the bridge of the True Wraith. "I'll be back', he promised, and dissapeared before the bolters aimed at him could fire.

Not to nitpick at big the dramatic moment, but surely he should just slip away, like a raith,( ;) ) leaving only shadowy rumors of his survival.

 

Calling the fighting Wraiths loyalist and heretic isn't the best choice of words. There aren't any Loyalist Wraiths, and from the Imperium point of view, they're all a parcel of heretics anyhow.

How about tainted / untainted instead?

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

This won't end up in the article if it's published, but sure...

 

Is the first part a comment or a criticism?

 

The second comment... Most of the untainted Wraiths belonged to more... veteran? Summonings and so were more likely to follow the Phantom Lord. Them also being... veterans... they had more experience and were generally more skilled than the other Wraiths.

 

I hesitate to use the word Veteran, because if 1st company is better than 2nd company, these guys were 1 and a half...

 

The third comment - Blast! I thought I editted that already...

 

The fourth comment - I wanted them to have a solid enemy... I think it would have been a little 'oooo, typical' if his existence wasn't confirmed, although it is a little 'oooo, dramatic' right now... ^_^

 

Your choice of words, tainted and untainted will be edited in...

[Ace Debonair]

This won't end up in the article if it's published, but sure...

You mean you won't fix any of the mistakes I found if this draft makes it into the Librarium? :huh:

 

Is the first part a comment or a criticism?

 

Kind of both. :P

That comes across as Haemon setting his sights rather low - surely he should aim for total control or something?

Control of one eleventh of a warband seems like a really petty reason to turn to Chaos.

 

The second comment... Most of the untainted Wraiths belonged to more... veteran? Summonings and so were more likely to follow the Phantom Lord. Them also being... veterans... they had more experience and were generally more skilled than the other Wraiths.

 

I hesitate to use the word Veteran, because if 1st company is better than 2nd company, these guys were 1 and a half...

I'm more confused now than before your explanation. :huh:

If you're saying the ones who remained loyal to the Phantom were the cream of the crop amongst your warband, fair play.

 

In that case, it might be worth mentioning the most battle-hardened, cynical and stoic Wraiths were the ones who were not swayed by the promises of power, and stayed alongside the Phantom Lord.

The fourth comment - I wanted them to have a solid enemy... I think it would have been a little 'oooo, typical' if his existence wasn't confirmed, although it is a little 'oooo, dramatic' right now... :)

Yeah, but he's only one guy. And I can't help but think the Phantom Lord's response to the 'I'll be back' would have been 'So what?' :o

[Ecritter]

Yeah, but he's only one guy. And I can't help but think the Phantom Lord's response to the 'I'll be back' would have been 'So what?' :)

 

I just have to say it ... Cypher is just one guy too. :o Just ask the Dark Angels if they take him seriously. :huh:

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

You mean you won't fix any of the mistakes I found if this draft makes it into the Librarium? :huh:

 

i didn't know I could... :)

 

Kind of both. :P

That comes across as Haemon setting his sights rather low - surely he should aim for total control or something?

Control of one eleventh of a warband seems like a really petty reason to turn to Chaos.

 

Did you miss the rest of the story? He did kind of go for control of the entire warband... The control of 1/11th was just the first step.

 

I'm more confused now than before your explanation. :P

If you're saying the ones who remained loyal to the Phantom were the cream of the crop amongst your warband, fair play

 

In that case, it might be worth mentioning the most battle-hardened, cynical and stoic Wraiths were the ones who were not swayed by the promises of power, and stayed alongside the Phantom Lord.

 

I think I will...

 

Yeah, but he's only one guy. And I can't help but think the Phantom Lord's response to the 'I'll be back' would have been 'So what?' :huh:

I'm going to echo Ecritter on this one - just look at Cypher.

 

I still haven't gotten a response from the Librarium... :o

[Ace Debonair]

Did you miss the rest of the story? He did kind of go for control of the entire warband... The control of 1/11th was just the first step.

But when the Wraiths are very careful to resist the lure of Chaos, him accepting the Dark Gods and betraying his fellows for control of less than a tenth of the warband seems a bit... feeble. It's like the guy was just looking for any excuse to go Chaos, rather than being tempted by power.

 

I dunno, maybe it's just me. :o

 

Although, I do wonder why any captain who had turned to Chaos would willingly offer his job to a librarian.

 

I still haven't gotten a response from the Librarium... :)

Take my word for it, they're busy, all the time.

And with some of the Librarium staff having jobs or university epic wars against the enemies of mankind to lead, their free time is at a minimum.

 

In short, be patient, 'cause it's probably going to be a while before you hear back. :huh:

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Did you miss the rest of the story? He did kind of go for control of the entire warband... The control of 1/11th was just the first step.

But when the Wraiths are very careful to resist the lure of Chaos, him accepting the Dark Gods and betraying his fellows for control of less than a tenth of the warband seems a bit... feeble. It's like the guy was just looking for any excuse to go Chaos, rather than being tempted by power.

 

I dunno, maybe it's just me. :lol:

 

Although, I do wonder why any captain who had turned to Chaos would willingly offer his job to a librarian.

To keep his life :lol:

 

And I think it is just you... Although I would need the rest of the Liber to comment before we can be sure 'shrugs'

 

I still haven't gotten a response from the Librarium... :D

Take my word for it, they're busy, all the time.

And with some of the Librarium staff having jobs or university epic wars against the enemies of mankind to lead, their free time is at a minimum.

 

In short, be patient, 'cause it's probably going to be a while before you hear back. :P

 

I believe you, Ace, seeing as I'm still waiting... I'm wondering if I should keep bumping this thread. You could always continue to criticise, which I really don't mind :D

[Shinzaren]

I believe you, Ace, seeing as I'm still waiting... I'm wondering if I should keep bumping this thread. You could always continue to criticise, which I really don't mind :lol:

If it has been submitted, then just wait. Constantly bumping the thread does no good, and certainly won't make your submission process faster. They are busy people, but they will get to it.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

But when the Wraiths are very careful to resist the lure of Chaos, him accepting the Dark Gods and betraying his fellows for control of less than a tenth of the warband seems a bit... feeble. It's like the guy was just looking for any excuse to go Chaos, rather than being tempted by power.

 

It's not just you and while this may seem typical, I agree. You'd think even his opening gambit would at least comprise of a bid for even greater power, rather than settling for what he can get.

[Leonaides]

Didnt I flag that point up half a dozen pages ago??? And 'to keep his life' is a pathetic excuse. A marines honour IS his life. He would fight for it at the very least, and wouldnt accept losing without being dead.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Didnt I flag that point up half a dozen pages ago??? And 'to keep his life' is a pathetic excuse. A marines honour IS his life. He would fight for it at the very least, and wouldnt accept losing without being dead.

Funny how you conveniently forget he is a Chaos Marine at this point... :thanks:

 

If you can't see that he would naturally go for the rest of the warband after that, then I'll edit it. I just thought it was slightly logical - and written out as exactly what happened :eek

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

For the time, I'm afraid your submission has been denied.

 

Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

:D

 

The Librarius has offered me some key points to make the Wraiths better, and so I shall follow them :devil:

[Shinzaren]

Don't forget to mention that I am Optimus Prime. I wouldn't want your article denied because you missed this key point.

 

On a bit more serious note:

Their history began when they fled to the Eye of Terror after the betrayal of an Inquisitorial force, and made their home amongst the other warbands.

This needs expanding. Why would an Inquisitorial force betray them? Who is the Inquisitor? This seems like a perfect example of Deus Ex Inquisitor, where he shows up with the sole purpose of moving the plot along. Secondly, was the force that betrayed them big enough to drive them off? Why not just destroy the traitors and explain what happened?

 

This was one thing that jumped out at me, because the turning Renegade is a huge moment, and you just skirted over yours with the words Inquisitor and Betrayal.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Don't forget to mention that I am Optimus Prime. I wouldn't want your article denied because you missed this key point.

 

On a bit more serious note:

Their history began when they fled to the Eye of Terror after the betrayal of an Inquisitorial force, and made their home amongst the other warbands.

This needs expanding. Why would an Inquisitorial force betray them? Who is the Inquisitor? This seems like a perfect example of Deus Ex Inquisitor, where he shows up with the sole purpose of moving the plot along. Secondly, was the force that betrayed them big enough to drive them off? Why not just destroy the traitors and explain what happened?

 

This was one thing that jumped out at me, because the turning Renegade is a huge moment, and you just skirted over yours with the words Inquisitor and Betrayal.

Expanded in a sidebar. Please comment.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

So no comments on the new sidebar?

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Seeing as Shinzaren has decided to leave the building... :)

 

Anything that you guys would like to see in the IT? Even if there is nothing, tell me, so that I might expand on what is already there.

[Shinzaren]

The Emperor's Wraiths were led to become the Wraiths of Darkness directly through the actions of a mortal Inquisitor.

This immediately reeks of Deus Ex Inquisitor, whose sole purpose in life is to advance your plot along.

 

The Emperor's Wraiths had their culture and character deeply enmeshed in their homeworld, Cyronur, which featured the Emperor prominently as a great golden figure known as the Enmessairah, who had saved Cyronur from the numberless green daemons. The Wraiths knew who this Enmessairah was clearly the Emperor and honored him for saving their homeworld, and sought to repay the Emperor by their actions. This formed the center of the Emperor's Wraiths beliefs and ideals.

What does this mean? What is an Enmessairah?

 

The Inquisitor in question had been disrespected by his peers recently, and so mercilessly searched for any sign of heresy to pour his wrath upon.

So he picked on Space Marines? There are FAR FAR easier targets for an Inquisitor to vent his wrath on. Not to mention that arguments are common in the Inquisition. I highly doubt being slighted would make him go and attack the homeworld of the Emperor's finest.

 

When he came across Cyronur, he saw them worshipping a golden figure that held a different name than the Emperor. He instructed the Wriaths there to fix their peoples mistake, and killed a number of priests 'by the order of the Inquisition, for being suspected of heresy

Wraiths. Again, why pick a fight Astartes? There are a thousand times a thousand worlds, nearly all of which would make an easier target.

 

The Inquisitor responded by executing an entire city with fire and demanded the the Wraiths obey him before more of their people were killed.

How did he get the firepower to burn a city? Why didn't the Wraiths step in then? Who is backing this guy?

 

When the Inquisitor voiced his last demand before the Chapter Master himself - for the chapter had gathered at this time - his head was sliced clean off by the Chapter Champion.

No. This is just wrong. They would tell him to shove off, and voice their issues with other Inquisitors. No one kills an Inquisitor in cold-blood. Your marines aren't that stupid.

 

It was then they Grey Knights came. alerted by the Inquisitor's staff when the Inquisitor was killed, the Grey Knights arrived in force and their first action was to destroy Cyronur with cyclonic torpedoes.

Why did they kill him and not hide it? Why didn't they destroy all of his retinue? Why would the Grey Knights just show up? Investigation proceeds destruction, even in the Imperium. Exterminatus is a last resort weapon. This entire scene is bad.

 

The Emperor's Wraiths had seen enough of what the Emperor's chosen servants had dealt to them. They fled to the Eye of Terror and became the Wraiths of Darkness.

Why weren't they pursued and destroyed on the spot by the Grey Knights?

 

This whole sidebar is badly executed, with one person playing FAR to big of a role. I don't buy it.

 

Seeing as Shinzaren has decided to leave the building...

/rant

Shinzaren has been dealing with a holiday, mid-terms, and lots of other stuff. You'll notice I have been posting very sparingly, and not doing any large critiquing lately. However, I did say I would look, and so I have. In the future though, please don't make angry faces because life has kept me from the forum. I did forget, and I apologize, but when I see stuff like that, I am not inclined to post. I am but one of many in the Liber, and your article shouldn't rest on my critique.

/rant off.

 

All that said, these guys definitely need a better reason to turn Renegade.

Edited November 30, 2010 by Shinzaren

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

/rant

Shinzaren has been dealing with a holiday, mid-terms, and lots of other stuff. You'll notice I have been posting very sparingly, and not doing any large critiquing lately. However, I did say I would look, and so I have. In the future though, please don't make angry faces because life has kept me from the forum. I did forget, and I apologize, but when I see stuff like that, I am not inclined to post. I am but one of many in the Liber, and your article shouldn't rest on my critique.

/rant off.

 

All that said, these guys definitely need a better reason to turn Renegade.

My apoligies, Shinzaren, I noticed that you left the forums (hence 'left the building' as opposed to simply 'decided to forget'). I can't say that I like waiting for a comment... and it falls off the page.

 

I understand that you have a life. See above. I figured that you didn't use the forums at this point, so I bumped it up and asked for the other editors input, seeing as they too have neglected to... edit.

 

Again, I apoligise, Shinzaren, I respect you. I'll go read your critique now...

[Aqui]

I can't say that I like waiting for a comment... and it falls off the page.

 

Both my IA and IT have not only fallen off the page, but totally off the radar :( I really need comments to be able to continue. However, at this time of year (Thanksgiving, Christmas etc) it's to be expected that many people simply don't have time to comment on topics in the Liber (Myself included. I've been wanting to have a proper look at the WoD and a lot of others, but various things have popped up, and a lot of the things I've wanted to say have already been mentioned :( )

 

Give me an hour or two to try and digest it all (insomnia strikes again <_< ) and I'll try to add as much as possible that hasn't already been said ^_^

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

The Emperor's Wraiths were led to become the Wraiths of Darkness directly through the actions of a mortal Inquisitor.

This immediately reeks of Deus Ex Inquisitor, whose sole purpose in life is to advance your plot along.

 

You'll find that's true for most characters... Just look at Ace's daemon.

 

The Emperor's Wraiths had their culture and character deeply enmeshed in their homeworld, Cyronur, which featured the Emperor prominently as a great golden figure known as the Enmessairah, who had saved Cyronur from the numberless green daemons. The Wraiths knew who this Enmessairah was clearly the Emperor and honored him for saving their homeworld, and sought to repay the Emperor by their actions. This formed the center of the Emperor's Wraiths beliefs and ideals.

What does this mean? What is an Enmessairah?

 

It's explained in the qoute...

 

The Inquisitor in question had been disrespected by his peers recently, and so mercilessly searched for any sign of heresy to pour his wrath upon.

So he picked on Space Marines? There are FAR FAR easier targets for an Inquisitor to vent his wrath on. Not to mention that arguments are common in the Inquisition. I highly doubt being slighted would make him go and attack the homeworld of the Emperor's finest.

 

Perhaps I should have phrased that better. I had a mental image similar to the one described in the "This is the Liber" sequel.

 

Can you control yourself when you are angry as well? Imagine this - if a man is angry, and he owns two dogs, a big dog, and a little dog. When he comes home angry to those dogs, picking on the little one doesn't make him feel better. Picking on the big one does, because it gives him a sense of power, when he just lost the respect - and therefore the power over - of his peers.

 

When he came across Cyronur, he saw them worshipping a golden figure that held a different name than the Emperor. He instructed the Wriaths there to fix their peoples mistake, and killed a number of priests 'by the order of the Inquisition, for being suspected of heresy

Wraiths. Again, why pick a fight Astartes? There are a thousand times a thousand worlds, nearly all of which would make an easier target.

 

I should probably mention that he came across other planets as well, who he could not punish and so raised his anger.

 

The Inquisitor responded by executing an entire city with fire and demanded the the Wraiths obey him before more of their people were killed.

How did he get the firepower to burn a city? Why didn't the Wraiths step in then? Who is backing this guy?

 

He's an Inquisitor. They can do that.

 

The Wraiths weren't really expecting a city to be torched, for the reasons you mentioned above.

 

He backs himself. He's an Inquisitor. They can do that.

 

When the Inquisitor voiced his last demand before the Chapter Master himself - for the chapter had gathered at this time - his head was sliced clean off by the Chapter Champion.

No. This is just wrong. They would tell him to shove off, and voice their issues with other Inquisitors. No one kills an Inquisitor in cold-blood. Your marines aren't that stupid.

 

Try finding other Inquisitors ^_^

 

Again, I didn't clarify this mental image - it was very heat of the moment when it happened. The Chapter Champion saw an affront to the honor of his chapter and removed it.

 

It was then they Grey Knights came. alerted by the Inquisitor's staff when the Inquisitor was killed, the Grey Knights arrived in force and their first action was to destroy Cyronur with cyclonic torpedoes.

Why did they kill him and not hide it? Why didn't they destroy all of his retinue? Why would the Grey Knights just show up? Investigation proceeds destruction, even in the Imperium. Exterminatus is a last resort weapon. This entire scene is bad.

 

Again, should have clarified the mental image. They were all watching the drama unfold from a ship... Using some arcane technology... I didn't really think that one out <_<

 

And, well they had just killed an Inquisitor (with the retinue on the ship providing proof through the tape... or whatever it was...). Do they need more investigation than that? As for Cyronur being destroyed, it was clearly impure, destroy it before they can recruit more vermin.

 

The Emperor's Wraiths had seen enough of what the Emperor's chosen servants had dealt to them. They fled to the Eye of Terror and became the Wraiths of Darkness.

Why weren't they pursued and destroyed on the spot by the Grey Knights?

 

This whole sidebar is badly executed, with one person playing FAR to big of a role. I don't buy it.

 

Fled being the operative word here...

 

Read the above post, if you skipped it accidentally because this one is at the bottom. I know I've done that before...

[Shinzaren]

You'll find that's true for most characters... Just look at Ace's daemon.

That is like trying to get out of trouble in kindergarten by pointing at someone else who misbehaved... It never works.

It just seems far to convenient and unlikely.

 

It's explained in the qoute...

Yes, but the name is so foreign and odd, that I thought it had some secondary meaning that I was missing, or was in a language that I didn't speak.

 

Perhaps I should have phrased that better. I had a mental image similar to the one described in the "This is the Liber" sequel.

? :huh:

 

Can you control yourself when you are angry as well? Imagine this - if a man is angry, and he owns two dogs, a big dog, and a little dog. When he comes home angry to those dogs, picking on the little one doesn't make him feel better. Picking on the big one does, because it gives him a sense of power, when he just lost the respect - and therefore the power over - of his peers.

Ahh, but your own example demonstrates why this is a terrible idea. Picking on a big dog is a good way to get bitten. Not to mention the fact that Inquisitors are bound to serve the Imperium. Yes, they are fallible men who make mistakes, but this is on a far different scale. This guy is upset so he is burning a whole world? That's not upset, that's downright maniacal.

 

I should probably mention that he came across other planets as well, who he could not punish and so raised his anger.

You're making the Inquisitor sound....stupid. Why would he deliberately pick a fight? And how long is he gonna be angry for? he's jetting around the galaxy for how many days/months/years before he gets to your world, and he is STILL mad?

 

He's an Inquisitor. They can do that.

 

The Wraiths weren't really expecting a city to be torched, for the reasons you mentioned above.

 

He backs himself. He's an Inquisitor. They can do that.

One man does not burn down a city. He needs help. An army in this case. Did he bring them? A fleet perhaps? A whole regiment of Guard? You are misrepresenting an Inquisitor's power. Some key things:

1. The Inquisitorial Seal is absolute, cannot be blocked. You have this aspect down. The Inquisitorial Seal is not used LIGHTLY, this you missed.
   
2. Every single action taken by an Inquisitor after his Seal has been brandished will be dissected and analyzed by his peers. If wrongdoing is found, he WILL be reprimanded punished.
   
3. Adeptus Astartes Chapters are an independent and very autonomous force. While technically inside an Inquisitor's jurisdiction, dealing with them is a HASSLE. They have many political connections, and ties to other organizations that they can call on. Destroying one (or their world) is a VERY VERY VERY big deal, and it is never, ever done lightly.
   
4. On his own, the Inquisitor is just a man. To make his little war on your world, he would need help. He would have to brandish his Seal, requisition an ARMY (This is what it would take to destroy a city), requisition a fleet (This is what it would take to get the Army to the world), Requisition up all the necessary supplies (This is what it would take to ensure the army COULD destroy the city), and then lead all this to the world. During this time, he would have to sign a million documents, explaining what the F*** he was doing, answer questions from Governors, Guard Commanders, other Inquisitors who he was going around, and generally fill out a LOT of paperwork. He wouldn't just get the band together and make a road trip to the marine's planet.
   
5. Once he lead this Army there, he would have to explain to the Adeptus Astartes fleet why he was bringing an Army to their doorstep, and what his plan was. He would then have to convince them not to destroy his fleet. He would then have to distract them while he burned the city. Landing an army is a slow process. Astartes are so fast because they are so SMALL. An Army takes time, effort, material, and TIME. Time the Wraiths would have no reason to give them. They would see this as an unjustified invasion of their sovereign territory, nothing less. You are giving the Inquisitor way too much power and ability.
   
6. Inquisitors do not get to brandish their Seal and destroy a world of the Adeptus Astartes out of SPITE. They need a good and very logical reason to do so, as even Imperial Guard Commanders will likely hesitate before attacking a Space Marine home planet, even under Inquisitorial threat.
   
7. Don't have your Inquisitor do all this out of SPITE. Especially not as justification for waging war against Space Marines.
   

 

Secondly, burning a city is not an instantaneous thing. It is a long and difficult task, especially when cities are so big in the grim darkness of the far future. The Wraiths would hear of it, and react to it, unless they are blind and deaf.

 

Try finding other Inquisitors ;)

I guarantee that nearly every single chapter of the Adeptus Astartes has some way to contact the Inquisition. Seriously, it wouldn't be hard for them to call the Inquisitor in charge of the area and ask what the hell this dude was up too. They would then investigate and be like, "Whoa, dude, ease up. You are totally off your rocker here."

 

Again, I didn't clarify this mental image - it was very heat of the moment when it happened. The Chapter Champion saw an affront to the honor of his chapter and removed it.

Except, as pointed out earlier, it wouldn't be. Without an army behind him, he wouldn't burn down the city. Even with an army, it would take time. In that time, the Space Marines would strike back, call the Inquisition, destroy the Inquisitor's retinue, or establish a dialogue with the Inquisitor and his forces. They would, at bare minimum, talk to the local Inquisitor fortress and ask what the hell was going on.

 

Again, should have clarified the mental image. They were all watching the drama unfold from a ship... Using some arcane technology... I didn't really think that one out ;)

Ga-Wha..? They pulled a Candid Camera? Why did the Inquisitor go alone to meet with the Space Marines whose city he just destroyed? Now he just sounds stupid. Well... stupider. He already sounded dumb when he brought war to the Space Marines out of spite.

 

And, well they had just killed an Inquisitor (with the retinue on the ship providing proof through the tape... or whatever it was...). Do they need more investigation than that? As for Cyronur being destroyed, it was clearly impure, destroy it before they can recruit more vermin.

Yep, they sure do. Inquisitors are men. Space Marines are better men; better armed, and better equipped. They wouldn't bring war against them until they were 100% sure; the guilt was 100% proof positive, and the Inquisitor's entire war was 100% vetted. The Grey Knights are good, but they will suffer losses destroying another Space Marine Chapter, and you can be damn sure that they are gonna ask for ironclad proof before they commit their forces to war on their brothers. Especially against an ENTIRE chapter. 1000 marines will NOT go quietly into the night. You can bet they would take some people with them, especially in defense of their home and their people.

 

Fled being the operative word here...

Pursued being my operative word. They fled, the Grey Knights gave chase. The Imperium is now their enemy. This is a key aspect that I think most ITs miss. They think that if they run, no one will chase them, and that they will slip away into the Void. The Imperium is NOT going to want to let them get away, because a Renegade chapter is a HUGE headache for them. The Wraiths would flee, and the GKs would follow. And the GKs would catch them, because their ships are better, and faster than yours.

 

I did read your post. Sorry if I snapped. It has been a crazy stressful month, and I really do wish I had more time to get on the B&C. That said, this sidebar still needs work.

[Ace Debonair]

Anything that you guys would like to see in the IT? Even if there is nothing, tell me, so that I might expand on what is already there.

Actually, I think some BBCode headers or maybe half-headers would break the different sections up wonderfully, and make the IT a lot stronger visually.

 

The Emperor's Wraiths were led to become the Wraiths of Darkness directly through the actions of a mortal Inquisitor.

This immediately reeks of Deus Ex Inquisitor, whose sole purpose in life is to advance your plot along.

 

You'll find that's true for most characters... Just look at Ace's daemon.

 

Pfft. The failings of my IT are hardly a good justification for your own. :P

 

The Inquisitor in question had been disrespected by his peers recently, and so mercilessly searched for any sign of heresy to pour his wrath upon.

So he picked on Space Marines? There are FAR FAR easier targets for an Inquisitor to vent his wrath on. Not to mention that arguments are common in the Inquisition. I highly doubt being slighted would make him go and attack the homeworld of the Emperor's finest.

 

Perhaps I should have phrased that better. I had a mental image similar to the one described in the "This is the Liber" sequel.

But there isn't an inquisitor in that story. :lol:

The closest thing would be Deric Mausland, who is just a scribe. And a parody of people who turn up with legions of super-powered space marines who can all shoot fire from their eyes and have pet titans, then argue that it's their chapter and what we think doesn't matter, and vanish, all in the same week, but that's not quite germane to the issue here.

 

Oh boy. You mean you've taken my parody of an impatient, arrogant know-nothing-know-it-all and tried to make him an inquisitor...?

 

I should probably mention that he came across other planets as well, who he could not punish and so raised his anger.

How the heck does a planet covered in Astartes not get onto the list of planets he can't punish? :(

Common sense would add that one very quickly.

Being angry and being well, stupid, are two rather different things.

 

Back in the day, I used to know a group of people who made me very angry indeed. But I didn't punch them in the face, because there were more of them than there was of me, and they were all a lot bigger and nastier than I was. I see a very similar situation here. :P

[Leonaides]

DAT - I'm seeing a lot of bits where you have written something badly (lets call it 'made a mistake' for simplicities sake shall we), the 'mistake' is pointed out to you, and rather than admitting there is something wrong, you are jumping in to defend your 'mistake' with another 'mistake', in an attempt to fix the problem. You're doing a bad patch on a bad patch on a bad patch on a dirty great hole in the hull of your story (ship to complete the analogy). And its sinking. What you need to do is accept that there is a dirty great hole, and fix it properly, by replacing the timbers entirely.

 

Now that I've thoroughly confused you with that, I'll say I have been looking in (similar to Shinzaren) but have been busy and in general agree with what other posters have written. Should I continue to pile up issues I believe that you need to fix, and distract you from fixing the ones already pointed out, or should I let you get your head around what you need to do to fix the issues others have already pointed out, and then comment on other points? Do you want a massive pile of things to do, that will take months and never seem to go down, or do you want a small pile of things to do, that you can see going down, and occasionally being added to?