hearts of iron

[raptor1199]

another torture of english language :P

 

Aramus woke,

He was in room with only small lamp giving light to the room, and then something moved in the darkness, gun servitor with multi-melta. It made small noise as its systems identified its master.

 

He crabbed his ancient combi-bolter, forged at heat of heresy and loaded with kraken penetrator rounds taken from iron hand veterans during 11th black crusade, and then putted it in magnetic spot in his leg plate, and then left the room.

 

Corridor was busy as ship crew were checking systems, cruiser had done long warp jump to follow the wold bearer war band that was on route to attack some hive-wold called macellarius VII. Only reason why Aramus was this far from the eye was that warsmith was desperate to fill his war band by getting new warriors from Medrengard and to get warriors you must pay a price in slaves, and this planet was full of suitable “money”

 

He opened door to the bridge and was greeted with sight of chaos fleet , what was made of hundreds ships and in the middle of all was nothing less than emperor class battleship, that served as capital ship of dark apostle nex mortifer

Around the holo screen were his champions: 4 sergeants, all in silver power armor with iron warrior symbols and armed with servo-arms.

 

“My lord, the dark apostle requested meeting within 45 minutes”

 

“Well let’s play home visit to this so called chosen of chaos”

 

He started to walk out of the bridge into the corridor

 

++This is lord Aramus, all black hands to the launch bay ASAP++

 

In the vox came 10 positives and in meantime he had reached the launch bay where there was already his thunder hawk was ready to lift off.

 

Aramus was now inside thunderhawk, with him were 10 chosen, all of them were checking their weapons in case there would be combat inside their destination. There was small hiss as the frontal ramp of the thunder hawk opened inside the battleship, and 11 marines exited the craft.

 

The battleship was long been out of its glory, mutated by forces of chaos and damaged by space battles that ship had suffered during it service under word bearers. After what seemed like eternity of walking the mutated corridors and smashing cultists out of the way they reached the bridge.

 

Inside was what seemed to be cult leaders and in the middle of them, was dark apostle himself

Apostle was wearing tactical dreadnought armor and in his hand was completely dark blade with pulsing runes of chaos incarnate and in another hand was power fist.

 

“So your warband has arrived at last, warsmith”

 

“We were starting to think, that you would never arrive to help other followers of glorious chaos, but out of nowhere there arrives two warbands from your legion”

 

“Two warbands?”

 

Before the Nex had change to reply, walked another warsmith into the bridge

 

“YOU!” Aramus yelled as he pulled his combi-melta in line with warsmiths head

 

“I told you on that forsaken daemon wold that I will have my vengeance, Nikolai”

 

“You never change Aramus, always so polite”

 

“Enough you two, you can settle you differences in future but we have planet to conquer”

Spoke the Nex

 

Nikolai moved to the holo screen after the apostle and Aramus had no change but to join them

 

Macellarius VII will be smashed asunder under weight of thousand iron boots

 

 

 

 

 

i still to write the rest of the chapter but it seems that i cant make good names for sergeants

 

edit:im now writing the chapter 2 so expect more horrible english to come ;)

and new tittle :)

[Ufthak]

Hey raptor1199!

 

Hm, torture of the English Language is, unfortunately, quite correct - without wanting to offend you, I have to say your English is bad. Perhaps you should consider learning some more English. Where are you from?

 

This, however, doesn't deduct from the story itself, which seems quite ok for the beginning. It does tend to be a little rushed at times, such as Perturabo suddenly boarding a Thunderhawk and taking off while Aramus isn't looking.

 

As for the names:

The good thing with 40K is you can use virtually any name you can think of - anything can be a name. But if you haven't got enough imagination to cook up/invent a new name, why not use modern-day ones? You could take names from different cultures on this earth, for example:

 

Srabion, Hovsep, Shnorkh, Levon (Armenian)

Dietmund, Erik, Ulfgar (Germanic)

Gaetano, Vasco, Leonardo (Italian)

Marius, Claudius, Maro, Catullus (Latin)

Pausanias, Aristodemos, Kathourgos (Greek)

Vladimir, Dragomir, Vasili, Imran, Pavel (Slavic)

 

and so on.

 

You could also invent names and vaguely base them on an existing language, for example:

 

Makarios (greek-like)

Tamnus (Latin-like)

Gertbard (Germanic-like)

 

 

 

In any case, Latin, Greek and Germanic names work well for marines :D

 

Keep up the work, looking forward to more!

 

--Ufthak--

[raptor1199]

yep im finnish so yeah :D i actually looked the version that is now on net and i must agree that its just bs.

i am actually re-writing the thing so i mayde can update this thing to be less torture of english

 

and thanks for comment :tu: :)

[Ufthak]

Finnish? Cool :tu: Well, perhaps you could call one of the Chaos Space marines Joulupukki and maybe one of the daemons Lordi ;)

 

Your story's not BS, just needs a lot of work is all. Good luck with it anyways :D

 

--Ufthak--

[raptor1199]

wait how you know about fact that there will be daemons :lol: heresy!

 

and lordi is really, really overrated :cuss

and there will be reference to one guy

hail the king, baby

[Ufthak]

With Lordi I didn't mean the band, I meant the devil-like spanker who accompanies Joulupukki ( if I remember well).

 

That you will be including daemons is pretty obvious, given that you're writing a story about Chaos Space Marines...

 

In any case, post your story when it's done!

[raptor1199]

must be some weard italian thing ,as i havent heard that thing before ;)