Index Astartes: Celestial Swords

[Hobo Willie]

Celestial Swords' Icon

Fighting to regain their numbers after the tragic loss of their Fortress Monastery and the majority of their fighting strength, the Celestial Swords have become all but obsessed with the Necrontyr that dealt them such a harsh blow.

Origins

T

he Celestial Swords were formed in the 24th Founding Storm Lords' successor. They were gifted a system in the Segmentum Obscurus, which was home to a feudal world: Hysmi. A Fortress Monastery was then constructed upon the smallest of the planet’s three moons.

Upon becoming full strength, the Chapter set about all the duties of an Astartes force in their Sector and Segmentum, participating in all manner of campaigns and battles against a host of foes. Sticking to the Codex, although preferring the tactics passed down by their Primarch, Jaghatai Khan, they quickly became synonymous with lightning strikes in their Sector. The Celestial Swords received many honors and tributes over the course of their twenty-five hundred year history, the deeds far too numerous to list here.

Homeworld

H

ysmi itself is a temperate planet with rolling hills and mountainous terrain. The planet is mostly covered in vast oceans with three large continents that range from beautiful tropical rainforests to barren tundra at the poles.

The populace of Hysmi is divided amongst many city-states across the continents. Each city-state has its own culture influenced by history and terrain, but all share one thing in common: war. Brazen shields and spears march forth with support from cavalry and archers in near endless conflicts over available land and resources. The political climate is ever-shifting with power in regions changing hands fairly regularly.

Celestial Swords' Colours

Part of the reason that the conflicts never end is that Hysmians believe that the only honorable way to die is in battle. Upon this honorable death, the God-Emperor will take their souls to Ellyst, the highest level in their utopian afterlife. Many times, those that survive the wars of their youth return in their elder years to finally die in battle.

Upon setting up recruitment from the Hysmian population, the Chapter observed that many of the soldiers fighting were in the prime age range for Astartes recruitment. The endless conflicts had driven down the age of warriors across the board as the various city-states needed more bodies to fuel their wars. Due to the constant struggles already taxing the population of the planet, the Celestial Swords' Apothecaries decided it would be best for the population if the recruits were drawn from those wounded but not yet dead off the battlefield, so as to keep the Hysmian's genetic legacy strong and intact. It was hypothesized that should the Chapter constantly remove the strongest from the genepool, that the population would suffer over a long period. This tactic for recruitment has served the Chapter quite well.

In addition, the method of recruitment has heavily reinforced the belief structure of the Hysmians. Over the millennia, the natives have watched in awe as various craft descended from the heavens to extract the fallen from a multitude of conflicts, often spurring Hysmian warriors on to bolder acts as the combat unfolded. Celestial Sword Thunderhawks 'ferrying the dead to Ellyst' became a fairly common sight during and after most major conflicts, as well as some minor ones depending on the needs of the Chapter.

Recent History

A

round 981.M41, an issue was reported with the geo-thermal generators in the bowels of the Fortress Monastery. Techpriests and servitors were dispatched to sooth the generators’ spirits, but contact was lost with the team. A short time later, a squad of Astartes was dispatched to find out what had befallen the repair crew only to be confronted by hundreds of skeletal machines with advanced weaponry. The constructs were pouring out of the lowest points in the facility and quickly overcame the squad, but not before they were able to warn their brethren.

All available warriors of the Chapter deployed as quickly as they could to stop the onslaught of mysterious machines but many were caught without armour and the glowing weaponry of the invaders dispatched a good number of Astartes with sickening ease. It was soon realized by those left that the rest of the Chapter needed to be recalled to repel this silent and methodical enemy. A distress call was sent out and four of the five Companies deployed returned to Hysmi as quickly as possible. However, the Fortress Monastery was silent, every Celestial Sword defender dead.

As the command staff of the four Companies poured over all available data on the assailants, it became clear to the Captain of the Second Company, Paetus Lokage, that they were dealing with the mechanical remnants of an ancient race. An Inquisitor that had requested the Second Company’s assistance in dealing with similar constructs a decade earlier had called them the Necrontyr. In order to assault and destroy a small tomb the Inquistor had located, Lokage and his men had been educated on tactics in dealing with the nefarious race of machines. All of this was imparted to his fellow Captains as they decided their course of action.

With this knowledge, all four Companies deployed entirely intent on finding the Necrontyr tomb beneath the Fortress Monastery. Once inside, fierce resistance was met and the Astartes slowly advanced through the halls. As the days passed and the casualties began to rack up, including two Captains, the remaining commanders of the Chapter began to recognize that the assault was slowly grinding to a standstill. While they were losing men, the Necrontyr’s losses would disappear, be repaired in their tomb, and return to the front eventually. The Fortress Monastery would be lost without immense outside assistance, which would not arrive in time.

With great levity, it was decided to retrieve as much equipment as possible from the sections they had liberated and then destroy the entire facility from orbit. Surviving Apothecaries from each Company banded together to save as much geneseed as possible and relocate it to the ships above. The Captain of the Fourth Company, along with his command squad and veterans, demanded the honor to attach demolition charges to the generators. Little is known of that mission, outside of its success, as the Astartes who ventured forth never returned. Many more Astartes were killed in the withdrawal, as the silent warriors of the Necrontyr surged after them. Once all who could leave the facility had done so, the charges placed on the generators were detonated remotely, causing a chain reaction. The spectacular explosion was seen from the surface of Hysmi itself.

Rebuilding the Fortress Monastery

Initially, the Celestial Swords were hesitant to rebuild a permanent structure on the moons of Hysmi, due to the possibility that any and all planets in the system may house another Necrontyr tomb. But as recruiting began, it was clear that some sort of training facility must be built as the Chapter's Battle Barges and Strike Cruisers were not just not equipped for such activities. With little to no assistance from the Adeptus Mechanicus, the Chapter's Techmarines went about designing and constructing a Fortress Monastery, on another another moon orbiting Hysmi, that could defend itself from outside threats as well as within. Careful defences were constructed to ensure that any incursion from beneath the facility would be met with harsh resistance.

As the dust and debris began to settle, auto-senses on the ships began to detect massive pyramid-like structures rising from the crater left in the wake of the destruction. All ships began a massive bombardment of the crater with everything they had. Missiles, turbo-lasers, and torpedoes racked the area, all targeting the hole at the center of the crater. Such violence began to have immediate and negative effects on the moon as a whole. The stresses sent shockwaves along the tectonic plates of the small moon, causing the moon itself to shatter. While the moon was rent apart in a massive explosion, various fleet elements broke up the larger pieces or altered the courses of the pieces away from the planet below. Little more than a company witnessed the destruction of their Fortress Monastery and the moon that housed it.

Upon the Fifth Company’s return, the Chapter debated what to do. Despite more than a few voices calling for a Crusade against the Necrontyr until the Celestial Swords ceased to be, the newly ascended Chapter Master, Paetus Lokage, decided rebuilding the Chapter was the best way to honor those that had fallen. He also declared revenge would be exacted from the Nectrontyr once the Chapter was strong enough. A massive recruitment followed from Hysmi, as well as a request to the Adeptus Mechanicus for replacement armours and weaponry.

However, the Mechanicus was aghast at how, from their perspective, the Celestial Swords had so casually destroyed so much sacred equipment in addition to a thousands year old Fortress Monastery. In addition, they were not happy with being denied the opportunity to explore and research the possible Necrontyr tomb that may have rested beneath the surface of the moon. Because of this, they gave constant excuses for not providing more than a trickle of supplies to the Chapter. To this day, the Celestial Swords have little more than the armour they had when they lost so many.

Organization

Captain Danlen of the reformed Second Company

Verus Danlen was a Veteran Assault Sergeant in the original Second Company under Captain Lokage. When the Chapter was reformed, with Captain Lokage becoming Chapter Master, Danlen ascended to Captaincy of the reformed Second Company. He has taken to the new tactics of quick strikes and quicker withdrawals the best of any of the current command structure and has even embraced the infiltration aspect of the Scout aspirants that make up most of his Company.

F

rom their inception until their near destruction, the Celestial Swords were organized strictly as outlined in the Codex Astartes. Upon rebuilding, they reformed what numbers they had into three companies comprised mostly of Scouts due to the heavy influx of aspirants. This is in part due to a lack of power armour for all aspirants who have made the grade to full Battle Brothers, as well as the Chapter using every matured geneseed to replace their losses. While it pains the Celestial Swords to be Codex divergent, they have consoled themselves with the belief that it is better to be divergent and strong enough to battle the Emperor’s enemies than to cease to exist as a cohesive fighting unit.

Currently, the newly formed First Company houses what little suits of Tactical Dreadnought Armour remain, as well as newly reformed veteran squads. The First Company has mainly been facilitating the training and indoctrination of what new recruits the Apothecaries can create. But they also maintain a vigilance on all celestial bodies in the system, scanning for any signs of Necrontyr activity. The squads of the First Company rotate out amongst the remaining battle Companies as they go about collecting any and all data on the emerging Necron threat, as well as performing their standard duties for the Sector and Segmentum.

The rest of the Chapter has been made into two Battle Companies, where Scout squads make up six of the ten squads in the force organization. Assault squads still retain their two slots, while the remaining two squads are either Tactical or Devastator designated, depending on the task at hand. This organization change has left many vehicles that were once mainstays of the Celestial Swords, such as Rhinos and Razorbacks, collecting dust while Techmarines have converted many of the Land Speeder complements that remain into the Land Speeder Storm variants.

Combat Doctrine

T

he Celestial Swords’ have always favored quick strikes to any other means of combat, venerating the Khan’s entries in the Codex above all others. This is not to say that the Chapter did not adapt to the various combat roles they were required to fill in their various battles, as they would defend or deploy on foot when necessary. With their favored approaches to conflict, the Celestial Swords were often requested for specific missions requiring lightning fast tactics.

Since losing most of their brethren, the tactics have become guerrilla in nature. Where they once struck quickly and pressed the advantage, they often strike a foe and withdrawal only to strike from another angle, slowly bleeding the enemy’s supply lines and morale. Without a strong basis in power armour, as well as the numbers to back it up, the Chapter cannot deploy in long term defences or assaults without taking heavy casualties.

The Chapter’s specialty, though, is combating Necrontyr. A righteous fury and desire for vengeance fuels the Celestials Swords forth when combating the ancient race of machines. All aspects of training, indoctrination, and armaments focus on destroying Necron warriors. Aspirants are shown where to pinpoint shots with sniper rifles to ensure a phase-out instead of a rebuild. The Chapter will infiltrate or Drop Pod in close proximity to Necron forces, so that Battle Brothers can close for melee, an apparent weak spot in Necrontyr combat. Vengeance rounds have become a favorite for Veterans attached to the Battle Companies, along with meltabombs and meltaguns for destroying tombs once they are uncovered, as well as the effects they have on Necrontyr war machines and warriors.

Beliefs

Obsession with the Necrontyr

Due to the nature of the Chapter's history with the Necrontyr, the Celestial Swords have come to view the nefarious race of machines as the greatest threat to the Imperium. Because of this, even the lowliest rumor that might lead to the discovery and destruction of a Necron tomb will be investigated as fully as the Chapter can manage. Any world they fight on, regardless of the foe, is searched as thoroughly as can be managed for any signs of the ancient machines. Treatises on the Necrontyr written by various Astartes of the Celestial Swords now adorn the armour of many Battle Brothers as they enter combat.

T

he Chapter, similar to most Astartes, believes that the Emperor is not a god, but the greatest man ever born. They venerate Him along with their Primarch, Jaghatai Khan. They believe the Great Crusade to be on an indefinite hold, as it is currently more important to maintain what the Imperium has than to attempt to overstretch itself. Chaplains have always preached that one day, the Emperor will walk again and need His Astartes to regain the offensive. But until that day, it is better to defend and consolidate than to conquer new systems.

In addition to this, the Hysmian belief structure that only the greatest honor is attained through death in glorious conflict has slowly made itself into the Chapter’s belief structure. While the more superstitious ideals of the concept have been lost, they still maintain the mindset that death is the ultimate service for the Emperor. It has made them stubbornly stay in a conflict that would see them dead, even when it makes more sense to tactically withdrawal. This is quite possibly the reason why so many were lost in defence of the Fortress Monastery and various other high casualty actions the Celestial Swords have prosecuted. This belief is currently at odds with how the Chapter must manage itself in order to survive.

With the few numbers the Celestial Swords currently possess, as well as the limited armor and armaments, the Chapter has recognized a necessity to change the way they view tactical withdrawal. However, they still struggle with it, sometimes staying longer than necessary in the heat of battle when instinct overtakes logic. This has slowly improved but still stands as a weak point in their reformed outlook on combat.

Harsh censures await Battle Brothers who fail to immediately withdrawal when necessary. The Celestial Sword command structure will visit swift punishment on even a potential waste of Astartes or equipment. This has even resulted in Battle Brothers losing their rights to power armour, which is now venerated by the Chapter in much the same way as many other Chapters venerate tactical dreadnought armour.

Geneseed

P

rimarch Jaghatai Khan's geneseed has been stable, with little to no mutation for all Chapters currently using it and the genestock in use by the Celestial Swords are no different. Hysmi itself has provided a very stable base of recruits the entire time the Celestial Swords have used the planet as a recruitment base. Any mutants are killed shortly after birth or upon discovery of the deviance by the local populace. Even with the massive recruitment that took place shortly after fall of the Chapter's original Fortress Monastery, there has been a extremely low rate of tissue rejection by aspirants. The only thing that currently plagues the Celestial Swords is the lack of geneseed to make new recruits. Apothecaries are still awaiting the secondary geneseeds in the aspirants to mature so that more recruits may be drawn from Hysmi.

Battlecry

“Onward to a glorious death!” as well as many other Hysmian battlecries and creeds were favorites of the Chapter in their past. Recently, they are more somber and quiet, preferring a stealthier approach to conflict.

[Dangerousdan73]

excellent story really like it

the other sections are a little short and could use some more information on thier current status

things that could be explained a little more

the chapters current home did they build another fortress or become fleet based as they didnt lose any ships.

[Slick Jimmy]

I would like to know if they are still recruiting from their homeworld as only the fortress moon was destroyed, and where they train the new recruits. Is it all aboard the Battle Barges or has a new base been established. You mention that recruitment has been slowed to a trickle. Are they cruising around like a fleet chapter now and only revisiting once in a while to recruit, or do they keep permanent station above, or on the planet?

 

Good stuff over all though. I'd like to see more encounters with the necrons after the chapters fortress was destroyed. I see you stated that they were hunting them down, it'd be nice to see some results of that.

 

I liked it. Good work.

[Hobo Willie]

excellent story really like it

the other sections are a little short and could use some more information on thier current status

things that could be explained a little more

the chapters current home did they build another fortress or become fleet based as they didnt lose any ships.

 

Addressed their current status a bit, as well as the Fortress Monastery issue. Also fleshed out a few things.

 

I would like to know if they are still recruiting from their homeworld as only the fortress moon was destroyed, and where they train the new recruits. Is it all aboard the Battle Barges or has a new base been established. You mention that recruitment has been slowed to a trickle. Are they cruising around like a fleet chapter now and only revisiting once in a while to recruit, or do they keep permanent station above, or on the planet?

 

Good stuff over all though. I'd like to see more encounters with the necrons after the chapters fortress was destroyed. I see you stated that they were hunting them down, it'd be nice to see some results of that.

 

I liked it. Good work.

 

I need to write it, but I mean to say that they don't have a lot of matured geneseed to make new recruits, at least until the secondary ones in the current aspirants mature, as they used all available geneseed to recruit as many as they did and now they have very little for replacements until more can be harvested.

 

Thanks for the compliments.

[Hobo Willie]

Any other issues anyone has noticed? Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[Brother Caleb]

I like what you have here, but certain aspects of your article raised questions that it didn't answer. Because IAs are intended to inform, this is perhaps where you may want to make some improvements. Keep in mind, I'm not necessarily insisting you remove anything, just asking you to explain further.

 

This belief was heavily reinforced when the Chapter began recruiting from the fallen on various battlefields.

Just to clarify, the chapter recruits those who fall in battle? If so, why? How do they justify recruiting the wounded?

 

The Captains of the Fourth and Fifth Companies, along with their command squads and veterans, were to assault their way down to the generators to detonate them to assist in the overall destruction of the Fortress Monastery.

Upon the Fifth Company’s return, the Chapter debated what to do.

I'm confused. How did the Captain of the Fifth participate in the fight if he had not returned yet? Also, given that the chapter had fallen so far under strength, why send the Captains? It seems the chapter would need them now more than ever. As a side note, the History section could use some condensing.

 

However, the Mechanicus was aghast at how, from their perspective, the Celestial Swords had so casually destroyed so much sacred equipment in addition to a thousands year old Fortress Monastery. In addition, they were not happy with being denied the opportunity to explore and research the possible Necrontyr tomb that may have rested beneath the surface of the moon. Because of this, they gave constant excuses for not providing more than a trickle of supplies to the Chapter. To this day, the Celestial Swords have little more than the armour they had when they lost so many.

 

Moving forward despite the lack of equipment, the Celestial Swords have begun to make good on their vengeance. They hunt any and all rumors of Nectrontyr, often times traveling far outside what was once their normal patrol routes.

Wow. Is the chapter completely cut off? This would seem to be a death blow to the chapter unless they can find an alternative method of securing weapons and armor.

 

Since losing most of their brethren, the tactics have become guerrilla in nature. Where they once struck quickly and pressed the advantage, they often strike a foe and withdrawal only to strike from another angle, slowly bleeding the enemy’s supply lines and morale. Without a strong basis in power armour, as well as the numbers to back it up, the Chapter cannot deploy in long term defences or assaults without taking heavy casualties.

In addition to this, the Hysmian belief structure that only the greatest honor is attained through death in glorious conflict has slowly made itself into the Chapter’s belief structure. While the more superstitious ideals of the concept have been lost, they still maintain the mindset that death is the ultimate service for the Emperor. It has made them stubbornly stay in a conflict that would see them dead, even when it makes more sense to tactically withdrawal. This is quite possibly the reason why so many were lost in defence of the Fortress Monastery and various other high casualty actions the Celestial Swords have prosecuted.

These two statements seem contradictory. They've become guerrilla warriors because they can't risk the numbers, but they don't withdraw when it's tactically sound? You may need to pick one or the other.

 

You've got a good start. Keep at it.

[Hobo Willie]

Just to clarify, the chapter recruits those who fall in battle? If so, why? How do they justify recruiting the wounded?

Addressed. Thanks for pointing out that I should expand on that.

 

I'm confused. How did the Captain of the Fifth participate in the fight if he had not returned yet? Also, given that the chapter had fallen so far under strength, why send the Captains? It seems the chapter would need them now more than ever. As a side note, the History section could use some condensing.

Just an error that escaped through various drafts of that section. Thanks for pointing it out. As for condensing, I'd really rather not unless there is something specific that you feel doesn't help the story at all.

 

Wow. Is the chapter completely cut off? This would seem to be a death blow to the chapter unless they can find an alternative method of securing weapons and armor.

As this is very recent history in terms of the 40k universe, at the writing I am saying that they are basically cut off. It's just not an official stance by the AdMech. Not to say they can't repair relations in the future. My understanding has always been that the AdMech is mainly needed for the Astartes specialty items, such as their armour and some weapons but nearly every forgeworld would have ammunition and the more basic weaponry (anything the Imperial Guard has access to, such as boltguns, sniper rifles, heavy weapons, and the like) and that a visit to those worlds would provide them with any of that.

 

These two statements seem contradictory. They've become guerrilla warriors because they can't risk the numbers, but they don't withdraw when it's tactically sound? You may need to pick one or the other.

Edited to address this. Thanks once more for pointing out the inconsistency.

 

And finally, thanks for taking the time to comment and help me improve my IA.

[Brother Caleb]

Due to the constant struggles of the natives, the Celestial Swords' Apothecaries decided it would be best for the population if the recruits were drawn from those mortally wounded but not yet dead off the battlefield, so as to keep the Hysmian's genetic legacy strong and intact.

Three questions. Doesn't mortally wounded mean that death is inevitable? The Hysmians send enough pre-adolescent into battle on a regular basis to supply the chapter with enough recruits? How does this practice maintain the "genetic legacy" of the populace?

 

With the few numbers the Celestial Swords currently possess, as well as the limited armor and armaments, the Chapter has recognized a necessity to change the way they view tactical withdrawal. However, they still struggle with it, sometimes staying longer than necessary in the heat of battle when instinct overtakes logic. This has slowly improved but still stands as a weak point in their reformed outlook on combat.

I like the internal conflict. However, are marines that forget themselves and place personal glory in death over the survival of the chapter disciplined for their "weakness?" What is the official stance of the chapter and how does that play out when a marine or group of marines disobeys the policy?

[Hobo Willie]

@Brother Caleb: I addressed both topics of concern. I honestly hadn't even considered how the Chapter's command structure reacted to Astartes falling back to the tactics of old when it was not a sound decision to do so.

 

Once again, I really appreciate the help you've provided in rounding out my IA.

[Brother Caleb]

As for condensing, I'd really rather not unless there is something specific that you feel doesn't help the story at all.

Put simply, some well done detail really brings a story to life, while too much detail, even if well done, slows down the pace and shifts from an informative article to a narrative. You've got some good detail, but as I read through I felt slowed by it because you switched to a narrative voice. You started telling a story in the middle of your article. I suggest a little trimming on the details, and perhaps making it into a sidebar. This way you can keep your strong narrative feel without gumming up your article. However, I understand this is a stylistic issue and less of the focus at this point in the process.

 

One other thing.

Upon setting up recruitment from the Hysmian population, the Chapter observed that many of the soldiers fighting were in the prime age range for Astartes recruitment. The endless conflicts had driven down the age of warriors across the board as the various city-states needed more bodies to fuel their wars. Due to the constant struggles already taxing the population of the planet, the Celestial Swords' Apothecaries decided it would be best for the population if the recruits were drawn from those wounded but not yet dead off the battlefield, so as to keep the Hysmian's genetic legacy strong and intact. It was hypothesized that should the Chapter constantly remove the strongest from the genepool, that the population would suffer over a long period. This tactic for recruitment has served the Chapter quite well and also heavily reinforced the belief structure of the Hysmians.

Well done. Though you may want to clarify how the newly recruited take to the realization that they are not dying in The Emperor's service just yet. I can imagine some see this as another opportunity to serve, while others may see their recruitment as a sort of punishment. If the goal in life is to die in battle, how would these wounded feel after being saved/snatched from death and modified to live, Emperor willing, for the next four centuries? Does the chapter employ a specific indoctrination regiment to deal with this specific mindset? Is this what fuels some marines to disobey the cautious policy discussed later?

 

Also, I hope you don't think I'm stalking you because of my swift posts. ^_^ I have been working on my own chapter these past few days and have been checking the boards for the responses of my own critics. :(

[Slick Jimmy]

I like how you have streamlined your IA. The recent history section is a bit long, but at the same time, being the turning point in the chapters history I don't think it's over done. Sure you could cut back certain parts, like the 6th paragraph, to a shorter portion of another paragraph, but I can't say I think it detracts from the overall story.

 

I usually read IA's with the mindset of a narration or like I am watching something on the History Channel, I can't expect shock and awe around every corner. That's just me though. As Caleb has pointed out, it may hold attention better if slightly trimmed, although I would be hesitant to cut back too much for the sake of the story as a whole.

[Hobo Willie]

Put simply, some well done detail really brings a story to life, while too much detail, even if well done, slows down the pace and shifts from an informative article to a narrative. You've got some good detail, but as I read through I felt slowed by it because you switched to a narrative voice. You started telling a story in the middle of your article. I suggest a little trimming on the details, and perhaps making it into a sidebar. This way you can keep your strong narrative feel without gumming up your article. However, I understand this is a stylistic issue and less of the focus at this point in the process.

I like how you have streamlined your IA. The recent history section is a bit long, but at the same time, being the turning point in the chapters history I don't think it's over done. Sure you could cut back certain parts, like the 6th paragraph, to a shorter portion of another paragraph, but I can't say I think it detracts from the overall story.

 

I usually read IA's with the mindset of a narration or like I am watching something on the History Channel, I can't expect shock and awe around every corner. That's just me though. As Caleb has pointed out, it may hold attention better if slightly trimmed, although I would be hesitant to cut back too much for the sake of the story as a whole.

I condensed that section a bit. Let me know if that makes it an easier read. Or if I just ruined the overall flow of the section, making it feel disjointed.

 

 

Also, I hope you don't think I'm stalking you because of my swift posts. B) I have been working on my own chapter these past few days and have been checking the boards for the responses of my own critics. :geek:

Nah, I wouldn't worry about that. I'm just glad someone is taking the time to help me out with my IA. I'll try and read your IAs and see if I can offer any insight to return the favor. No guarantees on the insight though.

[Hobo Willie]

A few tweaks and edits to the Belief and Organization sections, as well as various errors corrected throughout.

 

Any C&C would be nice.

[Ferrus Manus]

[Thinks of something witty, ending with "it's Ferrus Manus", in a poor attempt to mimic the much funnier Octavulg]

 

The Celestial Swords were part of the 24th Founding as a successor to the Storm Lords.

 

So they were part of the founding, but they hadn't been created yet? Ok, I'm being a bit literal. But, I'd suggest changing it to something like "The Celestial Swords were formed as part of the 24th Founding, as a successor of the Storm Lords Chapter."

 

They were gifted a system in the Segmentum Obscurus, which was home to a feudal world: Hysmi.

What? Just like that? So in gratitude for being created, the Imperium just gifts them a system. Wow, your guys are good. Generally, Astartes are only given a single world, and they have to claim it, not gifted it.

 

The Celestial Swords received many honors and tributes over the course of their twenty-five hundred year history, the deeds far too numerous to list here.

Fine, that's fine. But come on, this is their origins - the great beginnings of their Chapter, and you've fitted it into two small paragraphs. That can work I suppose, but before you settle on that, take a look at a few other IAs and just see what sorts of things they have in their Origins section... might spark off some ideas.

 

Hysmi itself is a temperate planet with too many hills and mountains to make a good agriculture world and not enough natural resources to draw the attention of the Adeptus Mechanicus. The planet is mostly covered in water with three large continents that range from beautiful tropical rainforests to barren tundra

Woow, hold your horses. Surely, if the world is mostly covered in water, that would be the main reason for it to not be a good Agri-World, rather than lots of hills - which by the way you can still grow things on?

 

The populaces of Hysmi maintain

Populace will suffice.

 

The populaces of Hysmi maintain a feudal technological level

They maintain it? So they don't strive to better themselves? What keeps them at such a sociological level? Oh and technically, there is no such thing as a Feudal technological level. It would still be possible to implement a feudal system in the UK now, with our level of technology. You mean a neolithic level of technology.

 

++++++++++

 

Apologies but I now have to go out, so I'll carry on when I get chance.

[Lone Scout]

I really, really like your colour scheme, can't wait to see some painted minis B)

[Heru]

They were gifted a system in the Segmentum Obscurus, which was home to a feudal world: Hysmi.

What? Just like that? So in gratitude for being created, the Imperium just gifts them a system. Wow, your guys are good. Generally, Astartes are only given a single world, and they have to claim it, not gifted it.

I'm sure there is a piece of canon somewhere that says newly Founded Chapters have the option to choose a Homeworld from a list of pre-approved worlds (basically "gifted").

 

Hysmi itself is a temperate planet with too many hills and mountains to make a good agriculture world and not enough natural resources to draw the attention of the Adeptus Mechanicus. The planet is mostly covered in water with three large continents that range from beautiful tropical rainforests to barren tundra

Woow, hold your horses. Surely, if the world is mostly covered in water, that would be the main reason for it to not be a good Agri-World, rather than lots of hills - which by the way you can still grow things on?

Maybe they grow and harvest seaweed, and/or there is always fish farming. Plenty of ways to farm a water world. :)

[Slick Jimmy]

I always was under the impression that the HLoT gave chapters the option to use a world to draw recruits from, or become a fleet based chapter with a set of worlds they draw recruits from, to maintain numbers, why would they create chapters that could not maintain their own numbers if they are needed? That seems silly.

 

As far as harvesting and such, I am sure there are enough resources to maintain the population without the world being considered an agriworld. I think he's just trying to say why the world wasn't listed as such by the Administratum.

[Hobo Willie]

So they were part of the founding, but they hadn't been created yet? Ok, I'm being a bit literal. But, I'd suggest changing it to something like "The Celestial Swords were formed as part of the 24th Founding, as a successor of the Storm Lords Chapter."

 

I'll change it.

 

What? Just like that? So in gratitude for being created, the Imperium just gifts them a system. Wow, your guys are good. Generally, Astartes are only given a single world, and they have to claim it, not gifted it.

 

I always assumed that worlds were given to the Chapters as they were created. Kind of a "here's where we want you to pull recruits from because they appear to be genetically stable." But if it really must be the other way, I can change it.

 

Fine, that's fine. But come on, this is their origins - the great beginnings of their Chapter, and you've fitted it into two small paragraphs. That can work I suppose, but before you settle on that, take a look at a few other IAs and just see what sorts of things they have in their Origins section... might spark off some ideas.

 

I've read plenty of IAs, but I think this is sufficient. I don't feel that naming a Storm Lords Sergeant/Captain/whatever that led a training cadre to the new Chapter adds anything to their character. All I'd be doing is detailing an event that nearly every Chapter founded since the 3rd Founding has went through.

 

The other thing I see in a lot Origins is a talk of various battles. Talking about how they scoured Therion V of its Ork infestation in late M40 or any of the thousands and thousands of actions they have participated in doesn't add much and more than likely will just bore the reader in addition to making the IA much longer. The battle I feel that needs to be told is told a bit later on in the IA, whether or not it's any good is up to you.

 

And as a disclaimer, there's nothing wrong with any of that (and the above fits very well with quite a few IAs), I just didn't feel it necessary for my IA.

 

Woow, hold your horses. Surely, if the world is mostly covered in water, that would be the main reason for it to not be a good Agri-World, rather than lots of hills - which by the way you can still grow things on?

 

Well, I think that hills and mountains don't make for mass production of grains. I was merely stating that it was passed over for greener pastures.

 

Populace will suffice.

 

Thanks. I'm sure you'll find at least a few more improper word use and poor grammar.

 

They maintain it? So they don't strive to better themselves? What keeps them at such a sociological level? Oh and technically, there is no such thing as a Feudal technological level. It would still be possible to implement a feudal system in the UK now, with our level of technology. You mean a neolithic level of technology.

 

They strive to better themselves through honorable combat and die for their God in battle. I guess I could change that to state that the use of iron and brass weapons continues due more to tradition than anything else. And you are completely correct about the word usage. I will change that.

 

Apologies but I now have to go out, so I'll carry on when I get chance.

 

I appreciate your help and look forward to your next set of criticisms.

 

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I really, really like your colour scheme, can't wait to see some painted minis :lol:

 

Thank you! I have a (5-man) Sternguard squad mostly painted and a Dreadnought partially completed but I'm not a very good painter. I'll get pictures up once both are done.

 

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I'm sure there is a piece of canon somewhere that says newly Founded Chapters have the option to choose a Homeworld from a list of pre-approved worlds (basically "gifted").

That was always my understanding, but my fluff-fu is intermediate at best.

 

Maybe they grow and harvest seaweed, and/or there is always fish farming. Plenty of ways to farm a water world. :D

Truth. Maybe I should just remove that sentence to do away with any issue.

[Octavulg]

You're taking a somewhat blinkered view of 'Origins'.

 

It's not how your Chapter was founded. It's how your Chapter came to be. What made them who they are today. The process by which they stopped being a Space Marine chapter and became the Celestial Swords.

[Ferrus Manus]

Ok, from where I left off....

 

Due to the constant struggles already taxing the population of the planet, the Celestial Swords' Apothecaries decided it would be best for the population if the recruits were drawn from those wounded but not yet dead off the battlefield,

I can see the intention behind this, but the wording doesn't quite explain it properly. If I'm right, your after a Space Wolf type approach - where those who fight honourably and skilfully, but are then wounded, are selected. But what about those who do the same but aren't hurt, surely the Chapter doesn't exclude them cause they didn't get injured?

 

All available warriors of the Chapter deployed as quickly as they could to stop the onslaught of mysterious machines but many were caught without armour and the glowing weaponry of the invaders dispatched a good number of Astartes with sickening ease.

I think you need a comma between 'machines' and 'but'.

 

So they destroyed the moon, but what effects did that have on Hysmi? Such an event would have some serious consequences.

 

venerating the Khan’s entries in the Codex above all others.

Khan added to the Codex? I thought it was only penned by Gulliman.

 

slowly bleeding the enemy’s supply lines and morale.

It should be enemies'

 

++++++++++

 

They strive to better themselves through honorable combat and die for their God in battle. I guess I could change that to state that the use of iron and brass weapons continues due more to tradition than anything else.

Ok, maybe write something in about traditions preventing them moving forward as a culture or something.

 

+++++++++++++

 

As far as I'm concerned, the article definitely improved as I read further on. I think it has some potential and a few good ideas, it just needs a bit more work to get it to Librarium quality. Still, keep going with it.