cerberus hellhounds mrk2

[Chaos Terminator Nero]

Origins

The Cerberus Hellhounds chapter were sanctioned by the high lords of terra as part of the 25th founding. They carry the genetic inheritance of the masterful Rogal Dorn, legendary defender of Terra and Primarch of the Imperial Fists. The fledgling Chapter’s birth was one of hardship and pain. During the escort of the new Chapter’s precious gene stock to their new home world they were attacked and overwhelmed. Not only losing half the gene stock but losing many founding imperial fists, including the newly appointed chapter master and the fast attack training veterans. Therefore the chapter took far longer to get up to full strengh and battle readiness.

The Chapter was originally formed with the sole purpose of defending the Mordant Sector from the ever increasing threat of the Ork. In this role it was deemed by the Inquisition, that it did not suit the Hellhounds as it did other chapters, due to their extensive use of heavy weapons and near zero fast attack. Therefore the last 200yrs the chapter has been assisting with the investigation of the Necron threat and are first to react to any incursion by the ancient force. This tasking has forced them into large roaming battle fleets that scour the galaxy with the investigation forces of the mechanicum. The chapter still holds a strong presence on Cerberus unwilling to leave their home unprotected after all the planet has given to them.

Founding Incident

The planet Cerberus was to be the new home of the Hellhounds chapter, although none of the training cadre, including the new chapter master Janus had set foot on this world. The mechanicum of the forge world Metallica had taken delivery of the new chapters equipment consignment from mars. Setting up everything the founding chapter had required on Cerberus, the new fortress keep, starport, supplies, weapons, armour and munitions as a favour to the Founding Unit.On the precursor that the chapter would one day repay the favour to the small forge world. The ageing grand cruiser King Kaizer would serve the chapter in its first and vital role. The ship was operational and battle ready but the Chapter master was not eased buy this, due to the precious cargo the King Kaizer contained. The Chapters precious gene stock. The lack of escort also was becoming apparent to the company. Ships from the imperial navy were due to escort the strike cruiser on its exit from the warp and none had appeared and could not be raised on long range vox.

Suddenly out of nowhere a large raiding force of Black Corsairs emerged from behind the third moon of Cerberus. An epic space battle ensued with the strike cruiser taking critical damage. The ship had been crippled, most systems were down and boarding torpedos had ruptured the hull of the venerable ship. The remaining newly founded force fought their way trough the ship cutting down traitor after traitor marine, a risky but desperate plan formed in the fledgling chapter masters mind they reached the teleporter banks just as the traitorous chaos filth overran the ship. They only had enough time to teleport half the gene seed and themselves to the planets surface. The banks had been damaged and scattered them far from the safety and protection of the fortress. As they teleported the imperial commander of the King Kaizer set the self destruct. The old Ship vaporised with in minutes of the ex – imperial fists arrival planet side taking two the traitorous filths ships with them in a last act of defiance.

The remnants of the Hellhounds had little time to prepare as ruinous drop ships fell from the sky. Janus knowing the enemy would not give up on their prize easily, had his men store the last of the chapter’s future hidden in a cave system and setup a defensive perimeter to prepare for the last stand of the Hellhounds. Wave after wave of helots and traitors broke upon the defenders and with steel resolve were repelled. The Black Corsairs lord appeared and led the final charge locking the troops in a pitch hand to hand battle. Janus and the foul Lord of the dark gods sparred, blow for blow raining on the others opponent. Finally the Dark Lord struck a death blow knocking the commander to the ground. He raised his corrupt weapon to take Janus’s head when a series of whistles screamed over the battle. A large beast took the dark commander from his killing position and savaged him, more beasts smashed into the enemy ripping ceramite and body’s limb from limb. These creatures were the Doberkin dog like beasts that are only native to Cerberus. Following the beasts a rag tag army of tribe’s folk joined the battle. The coalition of Space Marine, Doberkin and Tribesmen finally pushed the invaders from the planet. Unfortunately Janus had been mortally wound and his second in command Brother Liberian Vascass took charge for the chapter until Commander Janus’s interment into the venerable dreadnought armour.

Home World

Located in the Segmentum Ultima on the outskirts of the mordant zone between Kar Duniash and Corinthe in Dominion of Storms. The planet is the only habitable planet of three in the Drago star system. Cerberus has four moons in orbit, that range in cycles the planet itself does not orbit the Drago Star but is fixed in a all year summer cycle. A Day Rotation on Cerberus takes 2.4 terran days.

The planet pe-imperial rule was a post atomic culture but before being reintegrated was scoured and blackened by Ork tribes, Chaos Raiders and vicious civil wars. The once white sand deserts are now polluted yellow brown with the blood of untold millions that have lost their lives on this feudal world. Deep black scars bore into the planet surface a telling sign of its atomic history.

The civilisation is contained in tribal factions that will in-flight and wage upon each other if no outside planetary threat is apparent. The populace is fanatical in their devotion to the Imperium and will give themselves to death for their beloved emperor. Loyalty and faith is the only thing that will bring the savage factions together.

Large dog like beasts are native to Cerberus. The Doberkin, black and tan in colour and half the height of an Astarte’s they can leap and run with tremendous height and speed the Doberkin are deadly creatures. These creatures roam the wastes of Cerberus in large packs and have been known in some instances to protect the population from attack. Some tribes have employed this dog like creature as protection for their villages and townships. When tamed these protectors are the definition of loyalty and devotion to its master. Legend has it that when man first reached out from terra to the stars they brought this dog creature whos name is long lost to time with them, many millennia on Cerberus has caused the beast to become what it is, or so the myths and legends say.

HOMEWORLDS EFFECT ON CHAPTER = expremely loyal to the imperial cause. Fiercely protective of their home world and brothers. wary of outsiders and don’t work well with other chapters. Apart from parent chapters the imperial fist and crimson fist they refer to them as great fists, Have been referred to as nearly feral and fierce as the space wolves. the hellhounds have incorparated the doberkin into the chapter

FIGHTING STYLE = Limited fast attack make more use of heavy support and close combat troops. The nature of battle with the necron requires heavy weapons more but the feral nature of the brothers draw them closer into hand to hand combat.

BELIEF SYSTEM AND EFFECTS =Protection of the emperors’ realm is paramount above all things. Which is instilled in the battle brother within the chapterss battle rights the Cerberus oath of Protection and the imperial protectors creed. Believe themselves to be the heart of the Primarch dorn his rage and passion infused with the will of the emperor.They believe in these systems because of the natural conditioning of their home world and its selection above others to be founded. Their loyalty and near fanatical faith produces a trust within each brother that never questions the word of their peers and chaplains. Have had issues with crusading chapters for not making the existing emperors’ realm a priority. Disliked by many for following orders without thought, the savagery of their tactics and lust for carnage. A sheer willingness to commit to lost causes in the belief however misguided that it is right, very protective with increasing levels of loyalty boardering on fanatial zelot brothers. Easily brought to extremes in temperament.

WARCRY = '' to death my dogs of war'' shouted buy the squads commanders sergants and the chapter master or whatcher.

COLOURS = tan and black to resemble the tan sands of the cerberus wastes and the black for the atomic scorched sands

[Ace Debonair]

Alrighty. I did say I'd help, so let's get down to it.

I quite like the general idea for this chapter, and I'll do what I can to help.

But I warn you now, I'm not here to pull my punches. :P

 

25th founding to assist the investigation and to protect against incursion of the necron

PRIMARCH = DORN

PARENT CHAPTER = Black Templars

Necron didn't show up until some time after the 26th founding. Your guys can't be created with the purpose of fighting 'em. Defending the whichever system and surrounding places will work fine though.

 

Also, given the highly unorthodox nature of the Black Templars, it's a bit unlikely that the High Lords of Terra would use the geneseed to make successors. You could make them direct Imperial Fists successors, though. After all, remember where the Templars came from.

 

HOMEWORLDS EFFECT ON CHAPTER = Unparallel loyalty to the imperial cause, when tasked will lay down their lives willingly to complete it. Fiercely protective of their home world and brothers. wary of outsiders and don’t work well with other chapters. Apart from parent chapters the imperial fist and crimson fist they refer to them as GREAT FISTS, Have been referred to as nearly ferial and fierce as the space wolves and chastised as the high lords lap dogs.

 

Er.... what? ;)

Alright, let's take it from the top.

 

I doubt very much there isn't another chapter of equal or greater loyalty to the Imperium out there. "Extreme loyalty" still works without using superlatives. Most chapters will lay down their lives to complete missions, that's not rare.

 

Read that last sentence to yourself aloud. It makes no sense. I don't even understand what you're trying to say here.

And drop the all-caps on 'great fists' before you do anything else. It looks silly. :)

 

FIGHTING STYLE = Limited fast attack make more use of heavy support and close combat troops. The nature of battle with the necron requires heavy weapons more but the ferial nature of the brothers draw them closer into hand to hand combat.

 

I think you want 'feral', which means animalistic, instinct-driven and savage, as opposed to ferial, which isn't a word. ;)

ORGANISATION = The venerable dreadnought Janus also called the GREAT FIST with a Chapter watchman a terminator Liberian co confers with Doberman when the venerable Dreadnought sleeps. There after follows the codex with some deviation in respect to the amount of fielded heavy support choices

 

Explain everything you've just written. Why is a dreadnought in charge, what is the watchman or librarian for, and who is Doberman?

 

BELIEF SYSTEM AND EFFECTS =Protection of the emperors’ realm is paramount above all things. Believe them to be the heart of the Primarch dorn his rage and passion infused with the will of the emperor. The natural conditioning of their home world and its selection above others to be founded. Their loyalty and trust never to question the word of their peers and chaplains has distilled a faith of sorts within the battle brothers maybe slightly confusing the passion with ragged determination. Have had issues with crusading chapters for not making the existing emperors’ realm a priority. Disliked by many for following orders without thought and the savagery of their tactics. A sheer willingness to commit to lost causes in the belief however misguided that it is right, very protective with increasing levels of loyalty boardering fanatial brothers. Easily brought to extremes in temperament.

 

The first highlighted section is confusing. I don't know what you're trying to say.

And whose orders, exactly, do they follow blindly?

 

If they have an issue with crusading chapters, what about their parent chapter, the Black Templars?

I think making these direct descendents of the 'Fists would be a good move.

 

WARCRY = TO DEATH MY DOGS OF WAR shouted buy the squads commanders sergants and the chapter master or whatcher.

Drop the all-caps. Use "speech marks" instead. :D

VOWS[/b] = Cerberus oath of Protection and the IMperial PRotectors Creed aswell as other traditional imperial fist vows

:huh:

I don't know why this is here. If their oaths are important, bring them up in beliefs. ;)

 

is this heading in the right direction and does it all work within the 40k time frames i want the chapter to start off with a founding disaster were the founding blacktemplars get attacked by the corsairs whilst escorting the gene seed stock to cerberus and lose a number of the contigent and half of the genestock before repelling the attack with the aid of the tribes folk and doberkin intergrating the animals into the chapter like the wolves of the space wolfs???????

Get attacked by which corsairs?

It's not a bad idea, and a templar-styled chapter that fights like the space wolves would be pretty darn cool.

On a side note, I like the colour scheme. I'm not a huge fan of black, but it works well here.

 

You've got the bare bones of the idea, you just need to explain how all of these things come about.

My advice is to look in the Librarium at a few of the DIY chapters there. That'll give you some guidelines on how to work in all the information and explanations. ^_^

 

My apologies if anything I've said comes across as harsh.

My aim is to improve your chapter by pointing out the flaws and poking holes in your ideas so you know which parts need work.

Keep up the good work!

[Chaos Terminator Nero]

no no not harsh at all!!!! i have edited the above post it should make more sense now. i am currently in the procress of my first re-write and am adding more fluff and battle honours just want to check the first post is a good basis now to roll with?

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Ace has gone and gotten all specific on you're chaotic, terminator armoured behind, as well he should! ;)

 

Some general points might not go astray here though.

 

Read that last sentence to yourself aloud. It makes no sense. I don't even understand what you're trying to say here.

 

Good point. Read everything back to yourself out loud. Often things on paper (or monitor in this day and age) can look fine to you but if you actually take the time to read it to yourself out loud any bad or lack of punctuation, grammar issues and plain use of the wrong word at the wrong point can and usually do jump out at you.

 

If you think you sound silly, or are finding that your house-mates are giving you some odd looks, ignore them or lock the door! :P

 

Explain everything you've just written.

 

Indeed. This touches upon an issue that everyone has when writing an IA. When you as an author have an idea, you typically run the process through in your mind. While you may write down some parts of the idea in note form, when putting the idea forward for review just about everyone unless they have had a fair bit of experience with doing this sort of thing will stumble over not explaining things properly.

 

You refer to characters, places, events and objects that outside of your own head are completely out of context and will continue to vex anyone coming to your work with the thought of trying to understand it.

 

You have the story, you know where you want it to go and why, you simply need to explain it to the reader in a way that pins everything together coherently. This can be harder to achieve than most and is just one of the many fine things your brothers and sisters in the Liber are here for.

 

Disclaimer: Your brothers and sisters are also here to rip your beloved ideas to shreds, crush your most prized work under their power-armoured booties and frustrate you to abject despair with what can seem like inconsequential and pedantic arguments and points.

 

Enjoy your stay.

;)

 

Get attacked by which corsairs?

 

Not my corsairs! :ph34r:

 

 

It's not a bad idea, and a templar-styled chapter that fights like the space wolves would be pretty darn cool. On a side note, I like the colour scheme. I'm not a huge fan of black, but it works well here.

 

I agree wholeheartedly. Though I myself rather like black, though after seeing a billion and one black armoured DIY chapters, I see your point. As an aside, if you don't like black I'm wondering how you came to like the Corsairs scheme?

 

Also I hope you don't think I'm riding on your coat-tails here Ace, I made some general points because, well, I would've been able to do a decent critique if it weren't for that meddling Ace! :P

[Ace Debonair]

That looks a fair bit better now, Nero. I'm looking forward to seeing these guys develop.

 

Ace has gone and gotten all specific on you're chaotic, terminator armoured behind, as well he should! ;)

 

I've been nit-picking since 1985, and I'm utterly unabashed about it. It helps distract me from my own mistakes, too. :P

Also I hope you don't think I'm riding on your coat-tails here Ace, I made some general points because, well, I would've been able to do a decent critique if it weren't for that meddling Ace! ;)

I've been meddling since 1998. I came late to that particular hobby. ;)

 

This can be harder to achieve than most and is just one of the many fine things your brothers and sisters in the Liber are here for.

 

Disclaimer: Your brothers and sisters are also here to rip your beloved ideas to shreds, crush your most prized work under their power-armoured booties and frustrate you to abject despair with what can seem like inconsequential and pedantic arguments and points.

 

Enjoy your stay.

 

We're here to help. It doesn't say anywhere we're here to be merciful.

Oh, and GHY, you missed out the part where we strike without warning. :ph34r:

 

It's not a bad idea, and a templar-styled chapter that fights like the space wolves would be pretty darn cool. On a side note, I like the colour scheme. I'm not a huge fan of black, but it works well here.

 

I agree wholeheartedly. Though I myself rather like black, though after seeing a billion and one black armoured DIY chapters, I see your point. As an aside, if you don't like black I'm wondering how you came to like the Corsairs scheme?

The Corsairs Serpentis have that incredibly cool snake-patterned armour. That could be any colour and still look awesome.

I like this chapter's scheme mostly because it's not all-black-with-a-pinch-of-red/grey/white. It's a rare breed that uses black in moderation, and it looks good doing it. :P

 

The more I read about these guys the more I like the idea of them using the big dogs.

You can just see a villager setting his dog on an Ork, and two Space marines exchanging looks, can't you?

"Did you just see that, Sarge?"

"Sure did, son."

"...Can I have one of those? Pleeeeeeeeeeease?"

"...Well... You'll have to look after it, and take it for walks..."

[Chaos Terminator Nero]

i have edited the first post with what i have fluffed up so far just wanting to get it lookied at before i have too much write and lose interest with lots of changes

[Hemal]

The Cerberus Hellhounds chapter was found as part of the 25th founding

You want "Founded" - but probably use formed or comissioned, as you already have founding in there... "by decree of the High Lords of Terra" to make it sound more flouncy and gothic :-)

 

 

They are gene stock of the masterful Rogal Dorn legendary defender of Terra and Primarch of the Imperial Fists.

I think you need a comma in there - "Rogal Dorn, legendary defender of Terra, Primarch"

 

Als - I would reword teh first bit to say that they "carry the genetic inheritance of" - again - flouncy and gothic!

 

 

new home world they were attacked and overwhelmed, losing not only half the gene stock, but many of the Imperial Fists training cadre, including the newly appointed chapter master and the fast attack training veterans.

 

A couple of minor changes - the break in the sentence seemed unnatural. Also - how did they lose only half the geneseed when they only have 1 Strike Cruiser (see below..)

 

The remaining imperial fists trained and recruited many brothers and finally brought the chapter up to full strength but this took time nearly double that of a normal founding chapter.

 

I'd simply state that as a result the chapter took much longer to bring up to full strength and battle-readiness....

 

 

The Chapter was originally formed with the sole purpose of defending the Mordant Zone from the ever increasing threat of the Ork. In this role it was deemed by the powers that be, that it did not suit the Hellhounds as it did other chapters, therefore the last 200yrs the chapter has been assisting with the investigation of the Necron threat and are first to react to any incursion by the ancient force

 

Who are the Powers that be? The High Lords? The Inquisition? Marine chapters are semi-atonomous... Why does defending a sector (not Zone...) not suit a marine chapter? They spend far more time fighting Orks than almost any other Xenos....or other threat.

 

 

 

Founding Incident

 

The Newly promoted chapter master had never even set eyes on his new home world. None of his training veterans had, the mechanicum of the forge world Metallica had setup everything the founding chapter had required on Cerberus, their new fortress, supplies, weapons, armour and munitions.

 

This sounds a little bit like High School kids "I never even done it, innit!"...

 

I would restate in words to this effect - modify and change as you see fit of course

 

The planet Cerberus was to be the new home of the Hellhounds chapter, although none of the training cadre, including the new chapter master (is his name important maybe???) had set foot upon this world. Instead, the Adpetus Mechanicus Forge world of Metalica (are you sure you want to use a canon Forge world and the links it has - it is quite near to Armageddon and the titan legion participated heavily against the Orks in Armageddon 2 and 3??) was requested to construct many of the facilities including the star port and chapter keep, whilst also supplying the heavy armour, weapons and star fleet for the newly founded chapter...

 

Also why is this the case? Most chapters have their full complement of ships and equipment delivered by Mars not some smaller forge world...the marines of the initial companies are normally grown on Mars as well...or at least the gene seed is for the entire chapter..

 

 

 

The new fleet craft and tunderhawks were unfortunately delayed due to overruns and painting delays and would not be arriving to Cerberus for another terran month. The only craft available was the ageing strike cruiser King Kaizer. The ship was operational and battle ready but the Chapter master was not eased buy this, due to the precious cargo the King Kaizer contained. The Chapters precious gene stock.

 

The lack of escort also was becoming apparent to the company. Ships from the imperial navy were due to escort the strike cruiser on its exit from the warp and none had appeared and could not be raised on long range vox.

 

That sounds like a cop-out. I doubt that an entire chapter would be sent out on an aging Strike Cruiser (aging? All ships in the Imperioum are aging - when it takes decades to build some of ok

 

 

I'll add a bit more later