Flesh Tearers: Assault of Ryanthis

[Ufthak]

Ok...I think I get what you're trying to say...the Tearers are just a load of crazy psychos... ;)

[Darkchild130]

I prefer to think of them as uncompromising, they simply see Rebellion and crush it.

Yeah they have the whole "Murderous rage" thing going on, but they are not unthinking.

I like this quote from the old IA personally.

 

"Those who have witnessed their bloodthirstiness in action report of seemingly calculated brutality and savagery on an unparalleled level"

 

Darkchild

[Darkchild130]

For anyone that is reading this, i havent been able to write anything this week, been snowed under with work.

I will try to write some more next week.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Darkchild

[MasterBragdon]

Great story, really enjoy reading it. Can't wait for the next update.

[Metallus Gravis]

I'm really enjoying reading this story, can't wait for the next instalment. I really like how the action flows almost non stop.

The only suggestion I would offer is if there were spaces between the paragraphs it would be a bit easier to read.

As for the story - 2 thumbs up, keep it coming!

[Darkchild130]

thanks for the comments brothers, it's all appreciated.

 

I am guilty of not breaking my sentences and paragraphs properly, i have a habit of only putting in breaks when i change perspective.

I will endeavour to change this.

 

I have a few ideas about follow on stories for these characters too, it's hard to concentrate on my current story when my imagination is running wild with stuff that's a long way off!

 

Darkchild

[Gree]

I have a few ideas about follow on stories for these characters too, it's hard to concentrate on my current story when my imagination is running wild with stuff that's a long way off!

 

Darkchild

 

I know, I have the same problem. I write something then I get preoccupied with another idea I like.

[Dark.Fire]

Highly enjoyable - good storyline so far - well nice and simple, looking forward to forward to seeing the development of the characters and plot twists -_-.

 

Hope you don't mind a bit of constuctive criticism/advice:

 

Few more page breaks but few less new lines would be good as far as reading it goes.

 

Sometimes less is more in terms of description. Keep things shorter and sweet when in the midst of combat and try and incorporate more of the senses. You want to involve the reader, let them taste the coppery tang of blood on their own lips, smell the coiling smoke, be temporarily deafened by the crump of a shell. Just a suggestion but hey.

 

I always think, just re-read passages and if you have a 'how did they notice that?' moment alter it. Sounds don't have to be distinctive, they can blend together in a raging turmoil of harsh noise.

 

'As much as Saur wanted to shed blood, he conceded to the fact that some metal had die first, some Guard pattern junk, and he readied a chunky melta bomb in one hand. The other wielded his chain axe, the blessed motor purring as he dropped from the sky with all the grace of a half ton piece of armour and muscle, which consequently, he was.

 

A bone jarring impact signalled the landing of the razorbacks, tracks already spinning full speed in anticipation of the rolling dustoff.'

 

I'll just take this passage as an example, generally grammar's good and I know you've said it's not your forte (though it is pretty good and not noticeable enough to detract from the story).

 

Hyphens, hyphens and more '-' :P. Guard-pattern. Bone-jarring (though I thought a better word could be used here. A Razorback'd have to be dropped pretty close to jar your bones ;). 'rolling dustoff'? Doesn't make much sense :D. 'Some metal had to die first,' and the earlier 'feast on them afterward,' or similar makes them seem a bit primitive. They only drink blood in the process of remembering Sanguinus' death, even the Flesh Tearers do not eat corpses. They are fully-fledged marines, but those who choose to not control the Red Thirst as vigourously as others. I'd view them as more innately troubled Blood Angels outside of combat, but I think the approach you've taken works for the action heavy approach of such a Chapter and story line.

 

Sorry if any of that's not what you were looking for but I hope it helped. I'm really enjoying your writing and look forward to oncoming chapters.

It's always a bit awkward being the first to offer a bit of in-depth advice but I really hope I judged it right B).

[Darkchild130]

Highly enjoyable - good storyline so far - well nice and simple, looking forward to forward to seeing the development of the characters and plot twists :).

 

Hope you don't mind a bit of constuctive criticism/advice:

 

Few more page breaks but few less new lines would be good as far as reading it goes.

 

Sometimes less is more in terms of description. Keep things shorter and sweet when in the midst of combat and try and incorporate more of the senses. You want to involve the reader, let them taste the coppery tang of blood on their own lips, smell the coiling smoke, be temporarily deafened by the crump of a shell. Just a suggestion but hey.

 

I point out excessive details as a way of expressing the heightened brain functions of Astartes, i appreciate that it breaks up the action somewhat but thats kind of the point.

 

I always think, just re-read passages and if you have a 'how did they notice that?' moment alter it. Sounds don't have to be distinctive, they can blend together in a raging turmoil of harsh noise.

 

'As much as Saur wanted to shed blood, he conceded to the fact that some metal had die first, some Guard pattern junk, and he readied a chunky melta bomb in one hand. The other wielded his chain axe, the blessed motor purring as he dropped from the sky with all the grace of a half ton piece of armour and muscle, which consequently, he was.

 

A bone jarring impact signalled the landing of the razorbacks, tracks already spinning full speed in anticipation of the rolling dustoff.'

 

I'll just take this passage as an example, generally grammar's good and I know you've said it's not your forte (though it is pretty good and not noticeable enough to detract from the story).

 

I concede this, i stopped studying English in Secondary school at age 16, i'm never going to be an expert.

 

Hyphens, hyphens and more '-' :P. Guard-pattern. Bone-jarring (though I thought a better word could be used here. A Razorback'd have to be dropped pretty close to jar your bones ;). 'rolling dustoff'? Doesn't make much sense :).

 

Yes it does. Have you ever been dropped from the air from a moving gunship in a tank? hint: if you were a human it would kill you, thats how bone jarring it is. And a 'rolling dustoff' makes perfect sense, it's a military term and means deploying without stopping. As i point out every now and then, i've been in the army for ten years :huh: I apreciate that stuff might not seem obvious to civilians, but i'd rather you ask for clarification than say something "doesn't make sense."

 

'Some metal had to die first,' and the earlier 'feast on them afterward,' or similar makes them seem a bit primitive.

they are primitive, they are recruited from cavemen and hunt dinosaurs for fun. Flesh Tearers are not blood angels, i'm striving to distance them

They only drink blood in the process of remembering Sanguinus' death, even the Flesh Tearers do not eat corpses.

Says who? All of the fluff points that way, they kill enemies and allies with their bare teeth, and prisoners disappear in their presence after successful campaigns

They are fully-fledged marines, but those who choose to not control the Red Thirst as vigourously as others. I'd view them as more innately troubled Blood Angels outside of combat, but I think the approach you've taken works for the action heavy approach of such a Chapter and story line.

 

Sorry if any of that's not what you were looking for but I hope it helped. I'm really enjoying your writing and look forward to oncoming chapters.

It's always a bit awkward being the first to offer a bit of in-depth advice but I really hope I judged it right :).

 

I appreciate your opinions, on the grammar side you are of course correct, for reasons i've already mentioned. As for the Flesh Tearers, there is so little Fluff for them I am free to interpret it how i want, and I want them to be nothing like Blood Angels. Because I Hate Blood Angels.

 

Darkchild

[Dark.Fire]

Thank you for explaining that, that's helpful. Sorry for the rolling dustoff comment, that was my own ignorance and I didn't mean it to come out bluntly. With bone-jarring I thought it wouldn't be bone-jarring from Saur's perspective, I'm not saying the crew wouldn't be shaken to their core :).

 

That's fine on the fluff business - the way you've interpreted it (perfectly validly I might add) suits the storyline and what you have written so far. Hope I haven't got on the wrong side of you :huh:.

 

Dark Fire

[Darkchild130]

Not at all, brother, though if I might enquire have you have read the IA for Flesh Tearers?

It mentions their "Feast of victory" where prisoners disappear, and of causing carnage on a scale that far outstrips the Blood Angels, while remaining unrepentant about killing allies.

 

I have based most of my Flesh Tearer philosophy on this article, as opposed to the blurb about Seth in the Blood Angel Codex.

 

Darkchild

[Dark.Fire]

No I'll take a look at that thank you - to be honest the puny Imperial guard just get in the way heheh :). 'Trooper! Did you just eat our 'noble' allies again you ignorant little space marine?!' 'Yes Sir! Tasty Sir!' 'Good use of initiative soldier, I swear we never have enough to eat round here.' ;)

[tortoise]

No I'll take a look at that thank you - to be honest the puny Imperial guard just get in the way heheh :P. 'Trooper! Did you just eat our 'noble' allies again you ignorant little space marine?!' 'Yes Sir! Tasty Sir!' 'Good use of initiative soldier, I swear we never have enough to eat round here.' :)

 

 

And don't forget that in the fluff GW wrote after the Armageddon campaign the name the orks had given the Fleshtearers was 'eaters of the dead'.

 

Good stuff Darkchild.

[Ufthak]

If the ORKS give the Flesh Tearers the nickname "Eaters of the Dead" (or rather "Eataz odda dedd"), then the Tearers must love mushrooms...

[Darkchild130]

No I'll take a look at that thank you - to be honest the puny Imperial guard just get in the way heheh :angry:. 'Trooper! Did you just eat our 'noble' allies again you ignorant little space marine?!' 'Yes Sir! Tasty Sir!' 'Good use of initiative soldier, I swear we never have enough to eat round here.' :lol:

 

 

And don't forget that in the fluff GW wrote after the Armageddon campaign the name the orks had given the Fleshtearers was 'eaters of the dead'.

 

Good stuff Darkchild.

 

You will have to point me in the direction of this fluff, i've never read it. My knowledge of Flesh Tearers is based on the IA article, the Blood Angel codex, and every mention of them in ADB's fluff (and Gaius point, obviously). I have the Armageddon campaign book but Flesh tearers are not mentioned in it.

 

And I love mushrooms! Orks must be tasty.

 

Darkchild

[spu00sed]

Just read all of it.

 

I really enjoyed it.

 

True it is all bolter porn, but it is good bolter porn. It isn't just guns blazing. You have gotten into the minds of the flesh tearers and how they are thinking as they kill the foe (who cares if they are the right foe, they are in front of the tearers).

 

I also like the approach with the death company. With a chaplain trying to keep them in check until the next combat. Much better than the whole “off with your head” idea of the new codex.

 

I also can’t wait to see what the sang guard are up to, but I do play a sang guard army. I like how you gave them bronze armour rather than gold. They are still more regal than regular marines, but not as regal as the SG of more stable chapters. As well as you idea that they are used as a beacon of hope for their brothers.

 

I can see them as battle brothers that haven’t fallen to the curse, rather than the elite (this might not be the route you are taking with them). So they might not be as good as the normal veterans, but they are held up as examples of inner strength rather than outer strength.

 

My only two grips are:

Captain Slaught. The name feels forced. They are flesh tearers they need a teary sounding name.

“Cain Reloaded twice in the barrage, firing nearly a hundred rounds alone in the space of under thirty seconds. Times this by thirty” and the bit before it. IT doesn’t sit with the style of the rest of the narrative. The rest of it is dealing with barely contained fury then we have to do maths!

 

 

Now get on and write me another chapter to read.

[Darkchild130]

thank you!

I don't like slaught either, i was running out of tongue in cheek angry sounding single syllable names :ermm:

 

yeah, the maths thing is because i'm a squaddie, and accounting for ammunition is very important to us in battle. Sorry i get a bit caught up in the real world sometimes.

 

Darkchild

[tortoise]

No I'll take a look at that thank you - to be honest the puny Imperial guard just get in the way heheh ;). 'Trooper! Did you just eat our 'noble' allies again you ignorant little space marine?!' 'Yes Sir! Tasty Sir!' 'Good use of initiative soldier, I swear we never have enough to eat round here.' :ermm:

 

 

And don't forget that in the fluff GW wrote after the Armageddon campaign the name the orks had given the Fleshtearers was 'eaters of the dead'.

 

Good stuff Darkchild.

 

You will have to point me in the direction of this fluff, i've never read it. My knowledge of Flesh Tearers is based on the IA article, the Blood Angel codex, and every mention of them in ADB's fluff (and Gaius point, obviously). I have the Armageddon campaign book but Flesh tearers are not mentioned in it.

 

 

Darkchild

 

White Dwarf magazine. I can't remember the issue number, but a few months after the campaign they had a write up in WD about the state of play for all the sectors and stuff like that. It was quite good actually. The bit about the Flesh tearers basically said that they were just short of full inquisitorial investigation after other imperial forces had witnessed their various practices. I think in one battle they may also have cut all the way through an ork force and carried on into the guardsmen behind.

 

There were some other cool bits, like a Marines malevolent captain killing loads of refugees in an ordnance attack and being quite unrepentant about it.

 

If I find the issue I'll let you know.

[Darkchild130]

Ah, that would be Gaius point, where they killed all the orks, stormed the imperial defences and ripped the militia to bits.

 

Good times.

 

I looked into it earlier and found a mention of the Flesh Tearers forcing the orks into a retreat in the same campaign. An event that never happens, like, ever. FTs are so cool.

 

Darkchild

[Ufthak]

"angry sounding single syllable names"

 

Just a couple of ideas:

 

- Dvor

- Merc

- Payne

- Gash / Garsh

- Mwar

- Hark(er)

- Bram / Brom

- Cruise

- Byarr

- Kost(er)

- Iv(arr)

- Hands

- Mar(o)

- Jimmy the Illustrated Blind Solid Silver Bitch Stuckapopolypse the Third

 

Hope that helped, just in case you need names for random Tearers in the different squads :)

[Darkchild130]

I like:

 

Merc

Payne

Hark

 

Unfortunately, "gash" means something rather rude to a squaddie, so i wont be using that one :P

 

thanks!

 

Darkchild

[Ufthak]

"Gash"??? Must be some army slang then, never heard of that as a rude word before...

 

Squaddie? Does that mean you're infantry?

I'm always thinking, if I ever join the army I'd be happy to be a supply truck driver, or the dude sitting behind some radio providing intel to the front-line guys :lol:

 

Anyways, you're welcome! If I can think of further names I'll post them, ok?

[Darkchild130]

yes i'm infantry, sniper/recon trained, covert recon trained, advanced cqb, jungle, arctic warfare, Section (squad) commander etc etc.

I've done tours of Northern Ireland, Afghanistan and Iraq as well as serving in Canada, Jamaica, Qatar, USA, Germany and all over the UK.

I'm also an amateur cage fighter! (had to get that in there :P )

 

Gash means a woman's lady bits.

 

Darkchild

[Ufthak]

By Terra, referring to a woman's lady bits as "gash" REALLY is vulgar :D but very soldier-y I guess...

 

Wow, been to a lot of places...you probably get asked this question by EVERYONE, but did you actually see any combat (my guesses are that 95% of all soldiers don't...)

 

Ah, I so love the British Army terms, "Section" instead of "Squad"..."Lev-tenant" instead of "Loo-tenant"...

Question, are sections in the army still led by Corporals (instead of Sergeants as in the US army) like back in WWII?

And do you still have designations such as "Bombardier/Bomber"and "Grenadier"?

 

Sorry, just really interested :(

 

 

 

Oh, and...CAGE FIGHTER???

[Darkchild130]

Yes i have seen lots of combat, The British Army has been fighitng non-stop pretty much since the Invasion of Iraq in 2003. Practically 100% of infantrymen in the British Army will have seen combat within 2 years of joining (we work on 2 year rotations).

Corporals lead sections.

Bombardier is an artillary term for corporal.

We have Grenadier guards (who are infantry) but grenadier isn't a rank.

 

EDIT: yes, i'm a cage fighter. The correct term for the sport is MMA (mixed martial arts) but most people dont have a clue what that means, so cage fighter gets the point across better.

 

Darkchild