Index Astartes: The Crimson Shields

[Master of the Shields]

***Draft 2: Revisions and Expansion (please comment)***

Index Astartes: Crimson Shields

Origins:

Formed during the 24th founding, the Crimson Shields chapter was formed by the geneseed of Rogal Dorn. Assigned by the Crimson Fists, Veno Bhard was given the daunting task of leading the new Chapter. A brilliant and decorated warrior of the Fist's second company, he was given a few dozen marines and a single techmarine, all of whom would evolve into the First Company, given the title "the Shield Bearers."

In the many years that followed, the Chapter evolved and expanded, but had done little to prove themselves as one of the great chapters. They were young, and ill-experienced, acting in supporting roles to its founding chapter as well as the Imperial Fists, reinforcing strongholds and acting as reserves. Not until Bhard's flagship Brimstone engaged a fleet under the leadership of Waaagh! Naag-rosstah, did they get an opportunity to prove themselves as a worthy chapter. Naag-rosstah was decending on a small planet in the Cepsus system between the Charadon and Reductus Sectors. In the subsequent engagement, Waaagh!'s own ship was damaged and landed on Cepsus I. Bahrd followed and deployed ground forces to mop up the remnants of the Naag-rosstah's forces, only to find a smoldering ship, abandoned save the corpses of many Orkz. After investigating the crash site, Bhard ordered his men back into space. Though a doubt lingered in his mind, his Chapter was needed elsewhere as reports of traitor activity were becoming frequent and nearby Imperial settlements were threatened.

Years passed and rebellions were squashed. Traitor legions were forming in small bands on the outskirts of the Charadon sector, which by now had become a base of operations for the chapter. The engagements were many, but the renegades were too few and eventually fled from the sector one-by-one. His men would become disheartened, as they were still ill-proven on the battlefield, and the companies split to gather information on nearby Imperial settlements. Somewhere there was a worthy adversary for the Crimson Shields.

Bhard would prove to be a noble leader in 679.M39, aiding two battered Imperial brigades against invading Eldar. Though both sides took heavy losses, Bhard and his command ambushed a weakened Seer Counsel. When the head of the Eldar strike force was cut off, the Imperial guard and supporting Marines drove them back, just as a fleet of Imperial reinforcements entered orbit. For landing the killing blow, Bhard rewarded Captain Zander Khellen of the accompanying 3rd company with his own storm shield, the Bulwark. Bhard himself would be recognized for service by the Imperium, giving him access to more supplies with which to arm the young chapter.

Homeworld

Before 731.M39, the Shields had no homeworld, operating out of their own flagships, like other chapters in their geneseed. After exterminating a Tau expansion fleet in the Charadon Sector, Bahrd brought the Brimstone back to Cepsus I. For over 200 years, a shadow remained with him, and he was determined to confirm the extermination of the Ork bands that crash landed there many years ago.

They found the planet to be highly fertile, with many jagged peaks. The valleys were well forested, and near Bhard's landing sight there were signs of sentient expansion. What greeted them was unexpected. Explosions rang out from the nearby mountain and a hail of bullets rained on Bhard's men. During the battle, Bhard was surprised to find not orks, but what appeared to be Human warriors, using simple, yet affective semi-automatic rifles. In the ensuing battle, the natives managed to kill a five marines and wound six more, using booby traps, ambushes, and highly accurate firepower; even managing to aim through the exposed soft armor and face grills on the marine's power armor. Desperate to end the battle, but reluctant to exterminate the native humanoids out of sheer curiosity, he ordered a magnificent bombardment onto the nearby woodland. With his display of power, combat seized, and the natives surrendered in awe. After negotiations, the native commander lead Bhard and his retinue to the King of the nation known as Voria. King Vero was benevolent and god-fearing, treating the Space Marine visitors with admiration.

In the meeting that followed, Bhard learned of the Vorian nation, the last remaining nation on Cepsus I. Their technology was highly advanced for a planet untouched by the Imperium, and their tinkerers were adept and their understanding of physics. They had developed powereful rifles with large steel projectiles and through clever design, the Vorian Rifles almost rivaled that of the Space Marine sniper rifles. Their people were shorter and thin, frail in comparison even to Cadian guardsmen. It was through the invasion of the "Greenfolk" that warped the academic nation into a military power.

It was here Bhard learned of Waaagh! Naag-rosstah's survival and subsequent conquest of most of the planet. He knew he was responsible for the plight of the native people, and so he began a trek through the wild terrain of Cepsus, on what would become know as "the Crusade of Repentance." Many Ork bases and settlements were purged and the land was beginning to cleanse as were Bhard's hands. Eventually the impending Ork menace all but subsided completely and the Greenfolk were driven underground, demoralized and their numbers devastated.

The people of Voria rejoiced and aided the Shields in building their first fortress monastery in the mountains surrounding the kingdom. Since then, the Shields use the surrounding the monastery as training grounds, but do little to disturb the developing native people.

Organization

The Crimson Shields currently have only 8 full companies, as the original 4th company was completely eradicated by Iron Warriors renegades in 043.M40. Through years of fighting the original 5th and 6th companies, who were battered and crippled by the armies of chaos, combined forces and now compose the current 5th company.

The Shields follow an organization as per the Codex Astartes. The First company is the veteran company, with its current strength being 91 strong. The Second - Seventh Companies are organized similarly most with 6 tactical squads, and 2 units of scout skirmishers. Past that, each company employ tactics and organization to reflect their captains strategic preference (Captain Behlios prefers the use of small arms and assault type units, while Captain Zander Khellen of 3rd company prefers the use of heavy weapons and armor).

The 8th company is the Scout company, ever training in the arts of stealth and sabotage in the mountains and forests of Cespus I. The company, known as the Vorain Militia, stand guard around the monastery and the Vorian kingdom repelling the small, remaining ork bands with traps, ambushes and guerilla tactics.

The Vorians, grateful for the Bhard's help millenia ago, have since made it a tradition to gather its strongest, and most skilled gunsmen to join the ranks of their benefactors. Since 737.M39, Prince Vero, first son of the now long deceased King, forfeited his right to the throne to join the Shields and currently serves with the distinction as a Senior Sergeant in the 8th company, second in command to it's Captain.

Combat Doctrine

Bhard and his captains operate under the belief that every weapon is a viable tool in the defense of the imperium. they consider each company as modular training each weapon specialist in every weapon available to their respective armories. Therefore they are ready for any foe, Xenos and Traitors alike. This came especially handy when, in 221.M40, Khellen and the 3rd company stumbled upon Ork and Eldar fleets engaged in and epic fight. As the Shields entered the fray, they formed two fronts and eliminated each enemy together in a what was considered the greatest battle in Shields history.

In the heat of combat, each Crimson Shield marine remains collect and silent, with only the orders of their sergeants and commanders uttered. It is their ideal that in the heat of battle, each marine has a duty to protect the marine at his shoulder. They are commanded to survive, and if they must die, they have to pay for it with the blood of many enemies.

"Survival will be our greatest weapon. We will be invincible, unkillable, everliving."

The landscape of Cepsus I has had its effect on the Crimson Shields' strategies, who have become skilled in the used of natural and makeshift cover, with its younger recruits becoming experts in infiltration. The Shields, always vie for control over high ground, and any type of natural advantage, often stretching battles to unprecedented lengths to ensure the survival of as many marines as possible. This has been detrimental at times, but Bhard's faith in terrain strategies have proven a dominant factor on the Shield's warfare, and more than a few battles were won while Marines hadn't even emptied their second magazines.

Geneseed

The Crimson Shields were born of the Dorn geneseed. Proud of their heritage, they revere Dorn as the greatest hero of the 1st founding, and second only the Emperor. Before every battle, Chaplains and Captains are known to recite passages and ancient stories of his exploits, inspiring determination into each space marine. They believe that victory is the only way to honor him and employ any method available best their foes.

Battle Cry

Though each captain has his own personal saying, during particularly grueling battles, before engaging the enemy all marines cry out "Dorn forever! And victory for the Emperor!"

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Well I just wrote an entire detailed critique and the forum ate it whole. I'm sorry but I don't have the time nor the will to re-write it just now and might re-iterate it later.

 

To summarize, you have far too many events and details without having decent or any explanation as to the why and how they came about.

 

Apologies for the brevity but I am severely unhappy with the disappearance of my entire post.

[Master of the Shields]

'Tis ok. I don't have any fluffy experience, and like i said above, i dont know a whole lot of fluff. If you can tell me where i can expand, then please i'd like to know. I have a bunch of ideas floating around, but i'm afraid of treading the wrong ground.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

The big thing with an IA is why... Always explain, even if you don't always come straight out with it.

[Ace Debonair]

If those riflemen can kill your marines so effectively, either you forgot your power armour that day or there's nothing primitive about those rifles. :P You might want to change killing of marines to wounding of, or upgrade the tech-level of them there guns. ^_^

 

I'd also steer away from numbering how many of what is where in which company - it's not the most enthralling information to display.

 

Well I just wrote an entire detailed critique and the forum ate it whole. I'm sorry but I don't have the time nor the will to re-write it just now and might re-iterate it later.

The forum might not have done anything - it might be traitor activity. Words for the Word God and all that jazz. ;)

[Master of the Shields]

The big thing with an IA is why... Always explain, even if you don't always come straight out with it.

So which parts would you like me to expand? All? Or is there a particular part that's too vague?

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Ace made a great point that I also mentioned in my original (eaten) post. He hit the nail on the head there that lad did.

 

So which parts would you like me to expand? All? Or is there a particular part that's too vague?

 

It's not that it's vague per-se. The point is that while you have lots of eminently detailed events, the motivations, and causes of those events are unclear, unexplained or at best mentioned in passing. You know the law of action and reaction? That essentially applies here.

 

In essence, you must divulge or at least illustrate one possible and convincing reason for these events to be taking place.

 

For example, your marines take part in a crusade. Why? It seems obvious but seriously, why? Were they invited by the crusade leader? Were they caught up in the crusade just by virtue of being in it's path? Were they perusing the same enemy for different reasons?

 

It doesn't have to be so detailed that you waste three paragraphs on it, but it has to be a good reason and to both make sense in the overall narrative of your IA, in the 40k universe itself and in the short term in this particular part of the story.

 

It sounds more daunting than what it is but the real effect of this caveat of IA storytelling is to cut out extraneous pieces of dialog, plot or over-detailing that are muddying the water or detracting from flow, which is very important.

 

When it comes down to it, it has to feel right. While this is an entirely ambiguous way to describe what I just dissected and labelled it is absolutely essential and is much harder for the author to pin down than the critic, which is why the Liber is so useful, or anyone you can get to read your work.

 

It's funny that the feeling is drawn from both all the details and explanations coming together and none of those things at the same time.

 

The forum might not have done anything - it might be traitor activity. Words for the Word God and all that jazz.

 

Break out the flamers and sanctified prometheum! We shall cleanse all of the data slates and network hubs! For the Emperor! ;)

[Ace Debonair]

The big thing with an IA is why... Always explain, even if you don't always come straight out with it.

So which parts would you like me to expand? All? Or is there a particular part that's too vague?

 

I'd like to know why they only have six companies as opposed to ten. You mention one company has been destroyed, but what about the others?

 

This is far from a bad start, but as GHY said, it needs a bit of expanding upon. ;)

[Master of the Shields]

I'd like to know why they only have six companies as opposed to ten. You mention one company has been destroyed, but what about the others?

 

This is far from a bad start, but as GHY said, it needs a bit of expanding upon. ;)

 

Well that's good to know i have at least a decent foundation. We'll consider this the rough draft. I'll be fixing and expanding on the Origins, Homeworld, Organization sections. :)

[Master of the Shields]

Relevant comments for Draft 2 begin here. Can't wait for your guys' constructive feedback! :P

[moi_a_mania]

Formed during the 24th founding, the Crimson Shields chapter was formed by the geneseed of Rogal Dorn. Assigned by the Crimson Fists, Veno Bhard was given the daunting task of leading the new Chapter. A brilliant and decorated warrior of the Fist's second company, he was given a few dozen marines and a single techmarine, all of whom would evolve into the First Company, given the title "the Shield Bearers."

 

First off, only the High Lords of Terra can create a new space marine chapter. It can be recommended by the Crimson Fists, but there has to be a reason why. Is there a new threat in the area? Is this new chapter specifically made to do something?

 

Second, where did your marines come from to fill out 8 companies? If your chapter was in space for such a long time, maybe you should state they were recruiting from world to world and that's why they weren't able to get into meaningful warfare. It makes sense that this would be the case for new chapters as they were acting as reserve units for the CF and IF.

 

After investigating the crash site, Bhard ordered his men back into space. Though a doubt lingered in his mind, his Chapter was needed elsewhere as reports of traitor activity were becoming frequent and nearby Imperial settlements were threatened.

 

Third, so he found some dead Orkies. I understand you are foreshadowing the return of the Big Nasty, but your sentence is lacking here. Maybe you can say "Bhard ordered his men to investigate. They found numerous dead orks lying about the ship. They searched parts of the ship that they were able to get through, but the fires and debris made it difficult to ascertain the whereabouts of the Big Nasty's body. As Bhard was going to order his men extinguish the fires to conduct a through search, his communicator lit up. It was "whomever you want requesting help insert here" requesting aid as nearby Imperial settlements were under attack by traitorous marines."

 

Years passed and rebellions were squashed. Traitor legions were forming in small bands on the outskirts of the Charadon sector, which by now had become a base of operations for the chapter. The engagements were many, but the renegades were too few and eventually fled from the sector one-by-one. His men would become disheartened, as they were still ill-proven on the battlefield, and the companies split to gather information on nearby Imperial settlements. Somewhere there was a worthy adversary for the Crimson Shields.

 

Fourth, you don't need this paragraph. Why would you want your marines to look bored? Fill in the blanks with "Traitorous legions had formed small bands on the outskirts of the Charadon Sector. The Shields more or less had treated this area as a base of operations for some time. As time had passed, the Traitorous Legions had been defeated, but only to be substituted for Pirates. The Shields took up arms against these foes, but the pirates lacked the combat training that the Shields were quenching for. They too were vanquished easily." Now your marines are bada** and not bored.

 

The rest of your first paragraph needs to answer the question "Why?" Your parent chapters are fighting off the Eldar. Why is your chapter involved? Is it a space battle or are you on the surface of some planet? Why is the Farseer traveling alone or providing your chapter with the opportunity to capture him? Why are your talking about artifacts in the same sentence? I would put this in a different area when you talk about your Organization. That way you get to speak about your chapter's leader and heroes and the artifacts they possess.

 

Fifth, so your chapter returns to the scene of the crime and our friend the Big Nasty is there. The Natives attack you, but why? I'm going to assume because they think you are with the Big Nasty right? So you then destroy their forest and they take you to their leader? I think they would be pissed and looking to make this a three way dance - them, the Orks, and now your chapter. I would suggest that your marines save them somehow from the Boyz of the Big Nasty and in return for their gratitude, they take you to their leader. That makes much more sense.

 

The guys are right. When writing a good IA, you'll need to explain why and how it's related and who it involves. Give your chapter some depth and think about the view point of which you are writing. We all want you to succeed and welcome the Crimson Shields as one of the better chapters on B+C.

 

Anyways, my two cents.