IA: Blood Drinkers

[Bix]

Thanks RG, heh I didn't mean to sound bitter and hope I didn't come across as such. I appreciate all the help. Im working nights at the moment and that always helps to make me feel a little flat.

 

As you say C&C can often be painful and I fully accept that everyone is just trying to help with this. Just need to find my 'mojo' again before I can face the frustration of editing it. It wouldn't be half as bad if the codes didn't get corrupted every time you altered something.

[Argon]

Oh and Argon, never seen that site or read the quote but I guess great minds and all that :) I’m keeping it, after all the Universe is a very big place.

 

Whatever you want, then. That quote just happened to be the first thing I thought if when I read that quote of yours, so I got a little suspicious. Apparently the noble sons of Sanguinius have something in common with a buch of near-feral Ogryn :P .

 

 

To use Abnett (yes I’m a big fan) as a reference again, his Iron Snakes were obviously based on the cultures of the Ancient Greek era Med they fought in a Hoplite formation.

 

Never mind the use of ancient Greek names or the fact that their homeworld was named Ithika among other things ;)

[Bix]

Whatever you want, then. That quote just happened to be the first thing I thought if when I read that quote of yours, so I got a little suspicious. Apparently the noble sons of Sanguinius have something in common with a buch of near-feral Ogryn .

 

Well we both have fine sets of gnashers :D

 

Never mind the use of ancient Greek names or the fact that their homeworld was named Ithika among other things

 

My point exactly :D

 

Ok so nights done and dusted, mojo re discovered, hiding underneath the bed. I'll hopefully tackle an edit in the next few days.

 

Out will go the Company Listing (I'll post that and any other extras in a separate link when the whole project is completed) I'll tone down the Latin and stop explaining the words I do keep, Captains and Commanders will be the order of things. The Inquisitors quote will go, I’m sure I can come up with something better.

 

I'll try and trim down the Creation section (again I'll keep a full edit for the extras link), I’m not sure how much I can shave off the Fortress section, I know the outer defences are not strictly necessary but they explain some of the unique titles of the captains and give a sense of scope to the BD's formidable military might.

 

I'll ditch the Tarasque and the Testudo although I'll keep the idea for story fluff, there's no place for it in the IA.

 

Any suggestions of how and where I can fit in a bit more of the Chapters character would be helpful. Should I just state what they are like or should I write up a few events to give examples of BD's traits?

[Octavulg]

Thanks for the read through and feedback Octavulg. Phew what can I say I appreciate the effort and I accept some of the C&C but I sunk a whole lot of hours into that work and I’m just not sure I can go back, rip it apart and toil for another age to get it to 'fit' an IA entry; especially with the grief it causes re editing the code. I've lost too much painting time as it is already.

 

It took me three or four years of off-and-on effort to finish the Ice Lords. It's taken me over a year with the Bronze Prophets (again, off and on). The Stone Hearts have taken even longer. The Steel Dogs aren't even a draft yet, and they've been in my sig for the better part of a year, if not longer.

 

In regard to the code - try working in a Wordpad or Word document. It makes it a lot easier to edit.

 

Your opening C&C was a bit misdirected; the proverb is only the "Blood is Life" quote not the whole opening paragraph. I believe this does fit the definition of a proverb.

 

Ah. I misread. You're quite correct.

 

I'll agree that the quote from Narcissus may not be funny or chilling, but then he's neither. He's an arrogant Inquisitor with a vehement distaste for the Chapter; it was said with a haughty upper-class snide showing his superior education by knowing the origins of the name but at the same time using it to be derogatory. I don't think the name of the planet is so much a joke, it’s a death world for which as he says it is fitting.

 

By "explain the joke", I mean that it explains the allusion you're making with the name. It's basically going 'get it?' and nudging the reader.

 

I'm afraid the effect you're evidently going for didn't really come across. Maybe something like: "The name, of course, derives from a long-dead Terran dialect. It literally means "bloodsucker", a term which adequately encompasses the people, the wildlife, and any time you spend there."

 

I agree I should be clearer on the arrival of Vladrius, he's dressed in Ebon because he is a Chaplain. I just assumed that as Vladarius had already been identified as such and been clearly stated as a Blood Angel the reader would appreciate that the host was made up of Blood Angels.

 

For some reason I was getting the impression that that was referring to a conquest during the Great Crusade. I'm beginning to wonder what shape I was in when I read this.

 

Though, now that you bring up Vladrius - why would a Chaplain undertake the foundation of a Chapter? Would a Captain not be far more suitable?

 

The Rudis isn't a 'made up funny name' it is Latin for wooden training sword.

 

I never said you made it up. ;)

 

I also accept that the organisation entry is overly long, I got carried away with the entry styling it obviously on the BA codex 'Ordering of the Host' I thought that those interested in playing BD's would want to see company structure etc.. In relation to them choosing what elements they may like to play. But I see I could leave that out of the actual IA submission and use it as extra fluff on the boards.

 

There's an important difference between writing a Codex and writing an IA. A lot of these details, while not inappropriate in a Codex, simply don't fit in an IA.

 

I see what you're saying about 'Throne' disrupting the flow, but I do like the expression and if it’s good enough for Abnett its good enough for me. I’m keeping it, after all the Universe is a very big place.

 

If you do keep it, I'd recommend changing it to "Unleash the Blood Drinkers? By the Throne, I might as well sign an Exterminatus Order!” It flows better.

 

I think storm shields can be of various sizes obviously bigger than a combat shield. And as far as I was aware they are fitted with Conversion Fields which deflect the energy of a blow I didn't think they used repulsor technology and thus won't push apart from other shields which is what I think you were hinting at when you said that a Testudo wouldn't work.

 

Exactly. There's also the issue of bunching up for explosions and such, too, of course. The modern battlefield is usually pretty rough - it'd be hell on a testudo. And don't forget that there're weapons which can attack from underground in 40K.

 

Also yes it’s a blatant reference to Legionary practice, but that’s the theme of the Chapter like the Black Templars being Teutonic knights or the space wolves being mighty Norse heroes. To use Abnett (yes I’m a big fan) as a reference again, his Iron Snakes were obviously based on the cultures of the Ancient Greek era Med they fought in a Hoplite formation.

 

The problem is that Abnett's Iron Snakes aren't a very good example of working a theme in carefully and subtly. The idea is to keep the things that work and add character - without going overboard and keeping things that end up being silly or nonsensical. Which using a hoplite formation against anything with a gun or vastly more numbers is.

 

Plus, the Ultramarines rather dominate the Graeco-Roman niche on their own. I don't know that you'll really be able to shoulder out your own section.

 

I'll try and trim down the Creation section (again I'll keep a full edit for the extras link), I’m not sure how much I can shave off the Fortress section, I know the outer defences are not strictly necessary but they explain some of the unique titles of the captains and give a sense of scope to the BD's formidable military might.

 

Why do you need the Fortress section (note that it's not a bad section)? Couldn't it fit into the Home World section?

 

Any suggestions of how and where I can fit in a bit more of the Chapters character would be helpful. Should I just state what they are like or should I write up a few events to give examples of BD's traits?

 

Both could work. You should certainly tell US exactly what they're like, if only to make it easier to give feedback. :)

 

And, for those who are interested, "Go for the eyes" is a BG2 reference. At least in this case.

[Bix]

Thanks once again for all that Octavulg, your minature giant space hamster is obviously very wise :P

 

Work has stopped play on this for the moment but I hope to get some time soon to work through your suggestions and tweek the IA.

[Rider-75]

I think the content is very good. An excellent articee on the whole.

 

To reiterate what some of the others have said, you can maybe cut back on some of the organisational stuff as your organisation diagram covers a lot of it.

 

BUT.........

 

What i do notice is a large propensity for grammatical error. There are a good few instances of extraneous semicolons, new sentences beginning where they should have been broken with a comma instead, fragmentary sentences, and so on.