Head Takers IA

[Jarl Bloodwolf]

Ok this is the updated second draft. Constructive C&C welcome, the chapter is based off of a mix between the celts and saxons present in Britain during the fall of Rome as well as elements of those cultures mythology.

Head Takers

Origins

At the dawn of the 32nd millennium the Imperium was wrought with war. Xenos raiders ravage isolated worlds while heretics sway thousands away from the Emperors light. To better combat the rising threats and insure peace throughout isolated systems the High Lords of Terra ordered the commencement of the 3rd founding. From this period of creation was born the chapter that would come to call themselves the Head Takers. Created to guard the Besamir subsector from Eldar raids, the chapter is well known for their cunning and ferocity in battle as well as the stubborn refusal to retreat that has been inherited from their parent chapter the Imperial Fists.

Armed with the blessing of the High Lords of Terra as well as the resources granted them by their parent chapter the remnants of the Imperial Fists 9th company under the command of captain Torin boarded the strike cruiser Terras Furry and set forth towards the far western reaches of the Eye of Terror. Entering the subsector they found no traces of the Eldar raiders until they came upon the fifth planet in the system, a world that Imperial records designated as Calamh. As the strike cruiser entered into orbit around the planet, an Eldar Wraithship uncloaked itself as it unleashed a salvo of missiles into the cruisers starboard side.

Due to extensive damage the 9th was forced to undertake an immediate descent to the planet with the ruins of an Ecclesiarichal mission as their rally point. Surrounded and cut off from reinforcments the remaining marines of the 9th company fought a desperate struggle against the Xenos, as Eldar Banshees wove through marines reaping a terrible tally with their blades and ghost machines poured eldritch fire into the makshift fortifications the 9th rallied themselves for a final stand. From the surrounding forest arose a cry so great it drowned out the thunder of bolter fire and the screams of the Eldar, from the surrounding darkness charged hundreds of screaming warriors. Brandishing weapons of steel the warriors could not hope to match the technology and skill of the treacherous Eldar but the clans of Calamh greatly outnumbered the Xenos host. This distraction combined with a timely charge of the 9th saw the Eldar driven from the field or burned upon it. Impressed by the bravery and skill of the clans of, captain Torin claimed Calamh as a suitable Homeworld from which to build his chapter.

Homeworld

A planet of highlands and mountains Calamh is home to a populous of human clans who constantly war amongst themselves for control of the prime grazing lands that are vital in the raising the Uras, brutish herbivores that have proven adept at surviving in Calamhs harsh environment. To the clans of Calamh the Head Takers are warriors of myth and legend only seen at times of battle. To the chapter the clans of Calamh provide a ready source of hardened recruits to fill their ranks, which in turn allows the chapter to wage war. Initially home to a mission of the Ecclesiarchy, frequent raids from the Eldar Craftworld of Ibraesil saw the mission destroyed and Calamh abandoned by Imperial forces until the fledgling chapter won its first major victory against the Eldar on the planet.

In addition to potential recruits Calamhs mineral rich crust provides the Head Takers with a ready supply of Adamantium that the chapter trades with the Adeptus Mechanicum. As the guardians of an isolated subsector the chapter as been forced to develop its own means of armament, due to their relationship with the Mechanicum of Mars the chapter is highly adept with technology and is home to some of the finest artisans in the Ultima Pacificus. This is due in part to the amount of training recieved by the chapters techmarines, the vast distance between Mars and Calamh requires those who display an aptitude for technology to train many years longer than is standard. This level of training is entended to offset the time it takes for new techmarines to reach the chapter. As well as the forges located deep within the chapters fortress monastery, Calamhs moon known locally as Gealach serves as a shipyard for the chapters fleet as well as a factory of war.

The winters of Calamh are incredibly harsh and to the clans the Uras herds are their only means of survival. And so every spring, as Calamh moves closer to its sun and the cold of winter looses its grip the clans wage fierce wars in order to increase their herd sizes as well as control the best grazing lands. It is during these wars that the Chaplains of the Head Takers search for those who have proven their bravery and worth on the field of battleThose who are chosen are immediately taken from their clans and transported to the chapters’ fortress monastery. Located within the Cairn Mountains the Iron Hold is built deep into the bones of the mountains themselves. The entrance to Iron Hold is guarded by a vast Adamantium gate which has withstood millennia of raids.

It is through these gates that each aspirant passes.As they enter the hold they descend to its darkest depths. To the clans this place is known as Tir na tien which translates into Imperial Gothic as the Land of Fire, for the Head Takers it is home to the chapters primary forges as well as the main source of Adamantium. It is here that the young warriors will be forged into the warriors of the Astartes. As they are forced to toil in the mines their physical endurance and strength will increase, they will be tutored by arcane machines in the history of the Imperium that they serve and they will receive their first weapons and armor as well as learn the secrets of maintaining them. The tunnels are a dangerous place, collapses are common, pockets of compressed gas can strip a aspirant of his flesh in an instant and there are predators that lurk in the dark places. These conditions provide the Techmarines and Apothecaries of the chapter with the means to test the aspirants as they progress through their transformation.

Those who survive will then begin their training as Space Marine scouts while those who fail will be transformed by the Techmarines into a form still usefull to the chapter, as servitors tasked to mine the depths. As scouts they will fight as a part of their company for decades until they are deemed ready to join the ranks of the Astartes. Those who survive the constant wars and trials will then be implanted with the Black Carapace and gifted their first suit of power armor. Every warrior of every clan on Calamh dreams to join the Head Takers, for what greater glory could there be than to join the warriors of legend and myth.

Throughout the chapters history they have proven themselves time and again against the enemies of man. The chapters task to defend the Besamir subsector against the Eldar has led the chapter to many conflicts with the xenos, these battles have come to be known collectivly as the Banshee wars. The chapter however is often forced to battle chaos incursions that emerge from the Eye of Terror and has repeatidly earned great honour in defending the Imperium against the Black Crusades. The chapter is noted to have sent one company to aid in the Damocles Gulf crusade though it is not noted which.

Combat Doctrine

The Head Takers hold great value in the merits of close quartered combat over ranged. As such every warrior of the chapter is outfitted for close combat should they opportunity present itself, often the Head Takers will dispatch veterans deep into enemy lines with the purpose of baiting their foe. These veterans will harass the enemy by destroying fueling stations; eliminating officers and ambushing isolated elements of the foe. As the enemy advances in pursuit of these veterans they are drawn into carefully made ambushes prepared by the larger force.

These tactics where developed by the chapter in response to their frequant engagments against the Eldar in response to the xenos lightning raids and have proven successful time and again against the enemies of the Imperium. Most recently they have been applied against the Orks of Terris, following a series of faints executed by the veterans of the 1st company the Orks broke ranks in pursuit of their foes believing that they would run them down and claim victory. The Orks pursued the marines into a ravine only to find their retreat cut off and their mobz surrounded by the bolter weilding brethren of the Head Takers, not a single Ork left the Terris system alive.

While the chapter favors ambush tactics they have been known to participate in pitched battles, indeed many Imperial commanders who have fought beside the chapter have remarked upon their legendary charges. Wether these charges are due to insanity or bravery is widely debated as very few forces could meet a charging Ork mob on open ground and survive let alone emerge victorious.

Organization

The Head Takers organization is loosely the same as that of a codex chapter with a few exceptions. As per a codex chapter the Head Takers are divided into ten companies each led by a captain. Unlike many chapters the Head takers lack a scout company but instead maintain two assault companies with the 10th fulfilling the role of a Devastator Company. In addition the 1st company is not led by a captain but instead is led by the chapter master directly, within the chapter this position is referred to as the Battle King.

None are above the Battle King in the commandment of the chapter but the Head Takers hold a great respect for those who reside within the Council of Elders. Composed of the chapters’ wisest leaders the council of Elders serves an advisory role to the Battle King and should the situation demand they will often take command of the companies they fight with. Rarely will the Battle King go against the wisdom of the council and in the few instances of this happening it has only been in the most dire and extreme of circumstances. As the greatest heroes of the chapter the members of the council have waged centuries of warfare and are each the wisest of their orders, their word is not discarded lightly.

While it is common for most chapters to field their aspirants in a scout company until they are ready to join the ranks of their battle brothers the Head Takers place the responsibility of recruitment upon each company. As each captain is responsible for maintaining the numbers of his company it is common for them to choose recruits who hail from a certain clan or region of Calamh. This often leads to rivalries between companies and while they are forever brothers in arms the Head Takers are not above friendly challenges. The rivalries are best exemplified by the captains themselves who have maintained the Terran tradition of honor duels, if multiple companies are present in an engagement the captains from those respective companies will fight each other with the winner being declared theatre commander.

Those who prove themselves as true heros of the chapter may be chosen to join the Iron Swords. Acting as a bodyguard to the chapters leaders the Iron Swords are often found where the fighting is thickest and to join the Iron Swords is a great honor afforded to very few. Clad in suits of venerable Terminator armor the Iron Swords are drawn exclusivly from the 1st company. The Iron Swords train extensivly in the use of the eviscerator a weapon not commonly found amongst the startes, this is a homage to those warriors of Calamh chosen to protect their Clan Kings who weild mighty blades each as long as a man is tall. Crafted by the techmarines of the chapter the Eviscerators used by the Iron Swords are highly ornate and reverantly cared for. Superior in craft and length to those patterns used by other Imperial forces it is only the strength granted by the Terminator armor as well as the centuries of experience in battle that allow these veterans to weild them.

Beliefs

Many chapters of the Adeptus Astartes maintain the belief that the Emperor is not a god but instead is the greatest warrior the galaxy has ever known. While the Head Takers share this belief they are also influenced by the legends and customs of the clans of Calamh. The most apparent of these influences can be found upon the very armor and skin of the marines themselves. In the traditions of Calamh the warriors of the clans will paint themselves and their armor blue, this gives them a savage appearance meant to intimidate their foe. The Head Takers have adapted this custom into their chapters’ colors and many marines will have tattoos designating pride in their original clan.

The chapter takes its name from the head hunting traditions of Calamh, to the warriors of Calamh the head is the vessel of the soul and so should a head be severed than the soul will belong to the warrior who took it. It is widely believed that if these souls are sacrificed to the Emperor than the warrior will receive his blessing, while not founded in worship the chapter has emulated the practice as a way of honoring the Emperor. Marines of the Head Takers will often attach the severed heads of defeated foes to their armor as a mark of prowess and experience; the most highly prized heads are those of the Eldar Banshees for who the members of the chapter have developed a particular hatred.

Gene Seed

The head Takers trace their heritage from their primarch Rogal Dorn, as apart of their lineage the Head Takers participate annually in the Feast of Blades and have even won the tournament twice. While suffering from the loss of the Betchers Gland and the Sus-an Membrane the chapters gene seed has remained relativly untainted over the chapters 8 thousand year history. The chapter is also well noted to have inherited the stubborn nature of the Imperial Fists. Though they prefer to ambush their enemy they have been known to hold their ground in open battle against overwhelming odds.

Chapter legend is filled with examples of marines being wiped out to the last man in situations where retreat may be the wiser course of action. This refusal to back down in the face of any challenge has often led the chapter to conflict with other factions of the Imperium including brother chapters and as a result the chapter often fights at deminished strength though this has not seemed to deminish the chapters preferance for close combat.

Battle Cry

Though trained in Imperial Gothic the Head Takers often use the language of Calamh when speaking to other members of the chapter or when secrecy is needed. On numerous occasions Imperial Officers fighting alongside the Head Takers have reported that prior to an assault the marines of the chapter will clash their weapons against their chests as they chant the battle cry “Tiocfaidh ar la” in the language of Calamh. Imperial researchers translate the cry to mean, “Our day will come” and theorize that the cry is a homage to the tribes of Calamh, showing that each marine has accepted that in time their death will come. And when it does they shall meet it with blade in hand and courage in their hearts.

[Jarl Bloodwolf]

No feedback? good or bad?

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

I like it. There are some grammar errors and some of the paragraphs need some polish. Overall, I think it is very solid. Might be interesting to see your Head Takers in the same theater as my Hounds of the Hunt. Picture two victorious Chapters fighting over the bodies of their defeated foes to claim grisly trophies.

[Codex Grey]

No feedback? good or bad?

Patience. You posted the above only three hours after you had posted an entire article. Unless you're looking for comments like 'hey, that's cool!' , or 'hey, that sucks!' then people need a bit more time to give some useful feedback.

 

Origins:

At the dawning of the 32nd millennium the Imperium is wrought with war. Xenos raiders ravage isolated worlds while heretics sway thousands away from the Emperors light. To better combat the rising threats and insure piece throughout isolated systems the High Lords of Terra have ordered the commencement of the 3rd founding. From this period of creation was born the chapter that would come to call themselves the Head Takers. Created to guard the Besamir subsector from Eldar raids, the chapter is well known for their cunning and ferocity in battle as well as the stubborn refusal to retreat that has been inherited from their parent legion the Imperial Fists.

You start off writing it as if M.32 is happening now, then you change into past tense. Stick with past tense.

 

Captain Torin, a veteran of the Black Crusades had proven himself a competent commander over centuries of service was chosen to lead the chapter.

What does Torin add to the Chapter, other than being a name in the article? I would suggest dropping him. His role can just as easily be played by the IF cadre.

 

As a third founding Chapter, you say very little about their exploits after this event. Eight millennia has passed, something interesting must have happened. I'm not looking for an in depth history, but at least what kind of reputation they have made for themselves.

 

Homeworld:

As an isolated subsector the chapter as been forced to develop its own means of armament, due to their relationship with the Adeptus Mechanicum the chapter is home to some of the finest artisans in the Ultima Pacificus.

This is a wierd statement. They are isolated, so they need to make their own armament, but they have a good relationship with the AdMech, doing frequent trading with them. Well, then they aren't isolated, are they?

 

Located within the Cairn Mountains the Iron Hold is built deep into the bones of the mountains themselves. The entrance to Iron Hold is guarded by a vast Adamantium gate which has withstood millennia of raids, while dwarfed by the splendor associated with the gates of The Fang or of those which guard the Imperial Palace the gates are large enough for a Warhound Titan to pass with ease.

What is so important about the size of the gates?

 

Combat Doctrine:

Much like their cousins the Black Templars

No need to name-drop unless you have to.

 

Right now their doctrine is the most characteristic about the Chapter. Stubborn Ambushers; unusual, but it can work. And while it is cool that the homeworld reflects this, making the homeworld the sole influence of this way of fighting is weak. These are some very uncharacteristically Imperial Fists tactics, so I feel there should a better explanation for such a specialization. A combination of reoccurring combat scenery and being forced to fight this way by a common foe may perhaps work. They already have a history with the Eldar, maybe the sneaky Eldar is a common foe for the Head Takers and has to be defeated by being even sneakier?

 

Organization:

The Head Takers organization is loosely the same as that of a codex chapter with a few exceptions. As per a codex chapter the Head Takers are divided into ten companies each led by a captain. Unlike codex chapters each of the Head Takers companies contains far more than the 100 battle brothers set down by the codex, while their numbers are uncertain Imperial records indicate that the chapter has an over all force of roughly 3000 marines. In addition the 1st company is not led by a captain but instead is led by the chapter master himself, within the chapter this position is referred to as the Battle King.

Why, why, why?

You must know by now that this is a very controversial idea for various reasons. What does this add to your Chapter?

 

While none are above the Battle King in the commandment of the chapter there exists within the head Takers chapter the Council of Elders. Composed of the chapters’ wisest leaders the council of Elders serves an advisory role to the Battle King. Rarely will the Battle King go against the wisdom of the council and in the few instances of this happening it has only been in the most dire and extreme circumstances. For as the greatest heroes of the chapter the members of the council have survived centuries of warfare and are each the wisest of their orders, their word is not discarded lightly.

Actually, Chapter councils are quite normal. Only you have fancy names.

 

Also unique to the Head Takers is the organization of their 10th company. While it is common for most chapters to field their aspirants in a 10th company until they are ready to join the ranks of their battle brothers the Head Takers place the responsibility of recruitment upon each company. Instead the 10th company of the Head Takers is filled by a cadre of veterans who have proven themselves able in the skills of ambush, stealth and subterfuge. Though significantly smaller than the other companies the 10th is no less an integral part of the chapter. Following their introduction into the 10th these veterans are then dispersed throughout the chapter, it is the members of the 10th who will lure the enemy into the raids of the main chapter as well as train the next generation in the arts of war.

Again, why, why, why? This is just an attempt to be different. what makes this a better solution for a ambush heavy Chapter, when the Raven Guard, the most

ambush of them all, do not have this kind of thing?. And your basically saying that you have TWO companies of Veterans.

 

Beliefs:

This is good, gives them a nice dose of celtic feel.

 

Gene-seed:

While suffering from the loss of the Betchers Gland and the Susane Membrane the Head Takers have developed further mutations located within their Neuroglottis and Mucranoid. The mutation of the Neuroglottis has given the head Takers a highly accurate sense of smell that excels that of even their brother Astartes, this has proven most useful in the execution of ambushes. The most extreme mutation is found within the Mucranoid, while intended to secrete a substance that will seal a marines skin from the vacuum of space and extremes of temperature the organ has also developed a secondary chemical stimuli. As this hormone enters the marines’ bloodstream it releases mass amounts of adrenaline into the marines body sending them into a berserker rage.

How convenient. While the acute senses might enhance the sneaky theme, it's just too gimmicky for my tastes. A genetic coincident that makes your Chapter better. The same goes for the Berserker thing, but this is even worse, as it goes against the themes and it just suddenly is told to the reader at the end of the article without explaining further.

 

***

 

My advice would be to ditch all the unnecessary stuff, and focus on the core themes, making them better and more believable.

Hope I haven't come off as too negative.

[Jarl Bloodwolf]

I like it. There are some grammar errors and some of the paragraphs need some polish. Overall, I think it is very solid. Might be interesting to see your Head Takers in the same theater as my Hounds of the Hunt. Picture two victorious Chapters fighting over the bodies of their defeated foes to claim grisly trophies.

 

Bring it on ;) I'll see you on the field of battle brother

 

Origins:

At the dawning of the 32nd millennium the Imperium is wrought with war. Xenos raiders ravage isolated worlds while heretics sway thousands away from the Emperors light. To better combat the rising threats and insure piece throughout isolated systems the High Lords of Terra have ordered the commencement of the 3rd founding. From this period of creation was born the chapter that would come to call themselves the Head Takers. Created to guard the Besamir subsector from Eldar raids, the chapter is well known for their cunning and ferocity in battle as well as the stubborn refusal to retreat that has been inherited from their parent legion the Imperial Fists.

You start off writing it as if M.32 is happening now, then you change into past tense. Stick with past tense.

 

I will fix this

 

Captain Torin, a veteran of the Black Crusades had proven himself a competent commander over centuries of service was chosen to lead

What does Torin add to the Chapter, other than being a name in the article? I would suggest dropping him. His role can just as easily be played by the IF cadre.

 

As a third founding Chapter, you say very little about their exploits after this event. Eight millennia has passed, something interesting must have happened. I'm not looking for an in depth history, but at least what kind of reputation they have made for themselves.

 

I plan on adding excerpts into my next few drafts of engagments the chapter has participated in such as the Banshee Wars and the chapters first conflct with the Eldar on Calamh. I am also planning on including a conflict with another chapter and their involment in the Black Crusades. I wanted to introduce Tarin as when I write the chapters first battle with the Eldar on Calamh it will be from Torins' point of view.

 

Homeworld:

As an isolated subsector the chapter as been forced to develop its own means of armament, due to their relationship with the Adeptus Mechanicum the chapter is home to some of the finest artisans in the Ultima Pacificus.

This is a wierd statement. They are isolated, so they need to make their own armament, but they have a good relationship with the AdMech, doing frequent trading with them. Well, then they aren't isolated, are they?

 

This is one of the areas I know I need to rehash. The chapter dosen't trade the Adamantium for materials but instead for knowledge. Its supposed to be that their artificers and techmarines are highly trained as a result which means the armor and weapons of the marines are at a higher grade then normal and are highly ornate. Also their level of training is what allows the chapter to maintain its equiptment so far from any major forge worlds and such. So the chapter already has its own resources it just trades for a higher level of training in the adepts that it send to Mars. This is where I am trying to slip in a little of the saxon mythology about dwarfs who in norse mythology where master craftsmen that created the items of the gods and such. I'll redo this section

 

Located within the Cairn Mountains the Iron Hold is built deep into the bones of the mountains themselves. The entrance to Iron Hold is guarded by a vast Adamantium gate which has withstood millennia of raids, while dwarfed by the splendor associated with the gates of The Fang or of those which guard the Imperial Palace the gates are large enough for a Warhound Titan to pass with ease.

What is so important about the size of the gates?

 

In hindsight nothing really lol

 

Combat Doctrine:

Much like their cousins the Black Templars

No need to name-drop unless you have to.

 

Right now their doctrine is the most characteristic about the Chapter. Stubborn Ambushers; unusual, but it can work. And while it is cool that the homeworld reflects this, making the homeworld the sole influence of this way of fighting is weak. These are some very uncharacteristically Imperial Fists tactics, so I feel there should a better explanation for such a specialization. A combination of reoccurring combat scenery and being forced to fight this way by a common foe may perhaps work. They already have a history with the Eldar, maybe the sneaky Eldar is a common foe for the Head Takers and has to be defeated by being even sneakier?

 

So it would work better if I said that they have become adept at this form of warfare due to their experience with fighting Eldar?

 

Organization:

The Head Takers organization is loosely the same as that of a codex chapter with a few exceptions. As per a codex chapter the Head Takers are divided into ten companies each led by a captain. Unlike codex chapters each of the Head Takers companies contains far more than the 100 battle brothers set down by the codex, while their numbers are uncertain Imperial records indicate that the chapter has an over all force of roughly 3000 marines. In addition the 1st company is not led by a captain but instead is led by the chapter master himself, within the chapter this position is referred to as the Battle King.

Why, why, why?

You must know by now that this is a very controversial idea for various reasons. What does this add to your Chapter?

 

Whats controversial? having the 1st company be led by the chapter master or having a large amount of marines?

 

While none are above the Battle King in the commandment of the chapter there exists within the head Takers chapter the Council of Elders. Composed of the chapters’ wisest leaders the council of Elders serves an advisory role to the Battle King. Rarely will the Battle King go against the wisdom of the council and in the few instances of this happening it has only been in the most dire and extreme circumstances. For as the greatest heroes of the chapter the members of the council have survived centuries of warfare and are each the wisest of their orders, their word is not discarded lightly.

Actually, Chapter councils are quite normal. Only you have fancy names.

 

This I do know I just felt like I wanted to referance it as I haven't sen very many IA articles that have. Its just something I wanted to put in my IA even though it is pretty normal for a chapter

 

Also unique to the Head Takers is the organization of their 10th company. While it is common for most chapters to field their aspirants in a 10th company until they are ready to join the ranks of their battle brothers the Head Takers place the responsibility of recruitment upon each company. Instead the 10th company of the Head Takers is filled by a cadre of veterans who have proven themselves able in the skills of ambush, stealth and subterfuge. Though significantly smaller than the other companies the 10th is no less an integral part of the chapter. Following their introduction into the 10th these veterans are then dispersed throughout the chapter, it is the members of the 10th who will lure the enemy into the raids of the main chapter as well as train the next generation in the arts of war.

Again, why, why, why? This is just an attempt to be different. what makes this a better solution for a ambush heavy Chapter, when the Raven Guard, the most

ambush of them all, do not have this kind of thing?. And your basically saying that you have TWO companies of Veterans.

 

This benifits an ambush heavy force in that they have the most experienced veterans (most experienced in the above mentioned skills) spread throughout the chapter to train aspirants, this also has a combat effectivness in that if veteran "scouts" are used to lure and enemy nto an ambush instead of normal aspirants who don't have the same level of experience yet then the ambush is less likely to suffer from mishaps that a less experienced marine would have trouble with. And exactly I do have two veteran companies in my chapter but keep in my the 10th is the smallest company in the chapter. While it may seem useless to have this in my IA I am fairly set in keeping this in my chapter.

 

Beliefs:

This is good, gives them a nice dose of celtic feel.

 

Gene-seed:

While suffering from the loss of the Betchers Gland and the Susane Membrane the Head Takers have developed further mutations located within their Neuroglottis and Mucranoid. The mutation of the Neuroglottis has given the head Takers a highly accurate sense of smell that excels that of even their brother Astartes, this has proven most useful in the execution of ambushes. The most extreme mutation is found within the Mucranoid, while intended to secrete a substance that will seal a marines skin from the vacuum of space and extremes of temperature the organ has also developed a secondary chemical stimuli. As this hormone enters the marines’ bloodstream it releases mass amounts of adrenaline into the marines body sending them into a berserker rage.

How convenient. While the acute senses might enhance the sneaky theme, it's just too gimmicky for my tastes. A genetic coincident that makes your Chapter better. The same goes for the Berserker thing, but this is even worse, as it goes against the themes and it just suddenly is told to the reader at the end of the article without explaining further.

 

I can conceed the hightened senses bit but the berserker aspect dosen't go against the themes at all. In fact a popular celtic hero Cu Chulainn was known to be a berserker, and even if their wern't examples of berserkers in celtic history and mythology my chapter also draws inspiration from saxons who as a viking people have plenty of berserker referances.

 

***

 

My advice would be to ditch all the unnecessary stuff, and focus on the core themes, making them better and more believable.

Hope I haven't come off as too negative.

 

No thank you brother, all comments are welcome as long as they are constructive and its through them that things can be made better. I actually used your 2 IA chapters as guides when making mine.

 

Also please forgive this response I know there are issues with the quotes but I guess thats what I get by answering from my phone. I will try to fix

[Codex Grey]

I plan on adding excerpts into my next few drafts of engagments the chapter has participated in such as the Banshee Wars and the chapters first conflct with the Eldar on Calamh. I am also planning on including a conflict with another chapter and their involment in the Black Crusades. I wanted to introduce Tarin as when I write the chapters first battle with the Eldar on Calamh it will be from Torins' point of view.

I get a bit worried when you say this. I'm fine with it all if it stays in sidebars or captions, but I feel the main sections of the article should be about the different aspects of the Chapter, and only the Chapter, because that's the focus/point of the article. Stuff like the Banshee Wars can be mentioned in the origins as one of their most famous battles or something, but if you go into too much detail about battles and characters in the main article, it will detract from the focus of the article, unless these events are used as specific examples of why the Chapter act like they do.

 

If you are keeping these things more or less away from the 'main article', then I still feel the Origins needs some words on what reputation the Chapter has gained over the years.

 

Oh, and something I forgot to ask, do they need to be so old as the 3rd founding?

 

This is one of the areas I know I need to rehash. The chapter dosen't trade the Adamantium for materials but instead for knowledge. Its supposed to be that their artificers and techmarines are highly trained as a result which means the armor and weapons of the marines are at a higher grade then normal and are highly ornate. Also their level of training is what allows the chapter to maintain its equiptment so far from any major forge worlds and such. So the chapter already has its own resources it just trades for a higher level of training in the adepts that it send to Mars. This is where I am trying to slip in a little of the saxon mythology about dwarfs who in norse mythology where master craftsmen that created the items of the gods and such. I'll redo this section

I see. Well it will be interesting to see how you'll redo this, but for now, I'm wondering how a techmarine would be trained better than techmarines of other Chapters. Something to think about.

 

So it would work better if I said that they have become adept at this form of warfare due to their experience with fighting Eldar?

Yes, I think so. I would make it a gradual thing though. To many Chapters instantly change after some terrible incident.

 

This benifits an ambush heavy force in that they have the most experienced veterans (most experienced in the above mentioned skills) spread throughout the chapter to train aspirants, this also has a combat effectivness in that if veteran "scouts" are used to lure and enemy nto an ambush instead of normal aspirants who don't have the same level of experience yet then the ambush is less likely to suffer from mishaps that a less experienced marine would have trouble with. And exactly I do have two veteran companies in my chapter but keep in my the 10th is the smallest company in the chapter. While it may seem useless to have this in my IA I am fairly set in keeping this in my chapter.

It's not the way they use their Veterans that bugs me, that's fine, but it's the meaningless organizational change that does. Why can't these Veterans still be part of the 1st? I'm pretty sure the Raven Guard might do something similar in terms of tactics once in a while, but they wouldn't change around the structure of the Chapter.

 

It's just unnecessary. I think the key to organizational changes in a chapter is to not overdo it. If you keep messing around with many different structures and fancy names, then the cool and characterful variations just gets lost in the large amount of deviation.

Plus, having two Veteran Companies, no matter how small one is, sends the message 'my Chapter has more Veterans then others.'

 

Whats controversial? having the 1st company be led by the chapter master or having a large amount of marines?

Large amount of marines

 

I can conceed the hightened senses bit but the berserker aspect dosen't go against the themes at all. In fact a popular celtic hero Cu Chulainn was known to be a berserker, and even if their wern't examples of berserkers in celtic history and mythology my chapter also draws inspiration from saxons who as a viking people have plenty of berserker referances.

This somewhat regards the AdMech thing: You may be trying to hard to fit everything from your source of inspiration in the Chapter, and that may come out feeling forced. Sure, the berserker rage goes with the celtic/saxon themes, but not the Chapter. Niether the stubborn sons of Dorn aspect or the sneaky ambushers aspect goes well with the idea of berserking mad men.

I would drop it, but you could go the other direction, making it an flaw that serves as a counter part to the sneakiness. But if you did that it would have to be more a developed part of the Chapter, and not just a footnote in the Gene-seed section. Such a flaw would hurt the credibility of a Chapter developing the sort of specialized tactics it has though.

 

Either drop it or develop it. Either way, you'll have to decide if it's worth keeping.

 

No thank you brother, all comments are welcome as long as they are constructive and its through them that things can be made better. I actually used your 2 IA chapters as guides when making mine.

Good to hear ;)

[Jarl Bloodwolf]

Ok I have updated the IA. How does it look now?

 

Also if it is too hard to read let me know and I will try and break up the paragraphs more and please forgive grammer and spelling.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

I like it. You don't drivel too much (a problem I admittedly have, due to a desire to field the ultimate army); you minimize the otherwise confusing use of non-English words; and unlike the "Turn our recruits into mindless servitors at the earliest opportunity!" Chapter, you don't put the recruits through too ridiculous a trial.

 

Some changes:

As [the recruits] are forced to toil in the mines...

This is a waste of time, time better spent on TRAINING. Japanese swordsmen believe it takes 10 YEARS to train a competent swordsman.

 

A US Army Special Forces operator must spend months in Basic and Advanced Individual Training BEFORE taking the Special Forces Qualification Course, which is one year long. After he earns a green beret, he must spend MONTHS on field exercises and war games, in EVERY YEAR, to ensure he doesn't lose any perishable skills- survival, close combat, weapons qualifications, stealth.

 

If the Head Takers need people to mine for adamantium ore, it's far cheaper to "recruit" large numbers of criminals to serve in the mines, buy or build massive numbers of servitors, or HIRE massive numbers of miners. Keep the recruits busy with TRAINING- close combat drills, field exercises, war games, and the like.

[Jarl Bloodwolf]

I like it. You don't drivel too much (a problem I admittedly have, due to a desire to field the ultimate army); you minimize the otherwise confusing use of non-English words; and unlike the "Turn our recruits into mindless servitors at the earliest opportunity!" Chapter, you don't put the recruits through too ridiculous a trial.

 

Some changes:

As [the recruits] are forced to toil in the mines...

This is a waste of time, time better spent on TRAINING. Japanese swordsmen believe it takes 10 YEARS to train a competent swordsman.

 

A US Army Special Forces operator must spend months in Basic and Advanced Individual Training BEFORE taking the Special Forces Qualification Course, which is one year long. After he earns a green beret, he must spend MONTHS on field exercises and war games, in EVERY YEAR, to ensure he doesn't lose any perishable skills- survival, close combat, weapons qualifications, stealth.

 

If the Head Takers need people to mine for adamantium ore, it's far cheaper to "recruit" large numbers of criminals to serve in the mines, buy or build massive numbers of servitors, or HIRE massive numbers of miners. Keep the recruits busy with TRAINING- close combat drills, field exercises, war games, and the like.

 

Ah but see this is apart of their training. This idea came to me from the 1st Space Wolf Omnibus when the aspirants where taken to Russvik where they were constantly worked and forced to run and so forth to increase their physical strength and endurance BEFORE they even start their training (just because they are good warriors dosen't mean they are in shape :D ). Also the mines are a much more dangerous place than the surface is and so here is where the aspirants are really tested to see if they can survive.

 

It is also where they are introduced to the wider Imperium (they aren't feral savages but they still aren't on the same level as the rest of the galaxy). So being sent to the mine isn't so much about having someone to mine for Adamantium since there are servitors and such who can do that, it is actually where they begin their training. The mining part is just a tool used by the chapter to strengthen the aspirants.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Ah but see this is apart of their training. This idea came to me from the 1st Space Wolf Omnibus when the aspirants where taken to Russvik where they were constantly worked and forced to run and so forth to increase their physical strength and endurance BEFORE they even start their training (just because they are good warriors dosen't mean they are in shape ;) ).

Even in 'Space Wolf', Ragnar and the other recruits spent their time TRAINING- specifically, physical training- not toiling in mines like slaves.

Also the mines are a much more dangerous place than the surface is and so here is where the aspirants are really tested to see if they can survive.

Then send the recruits into the mines, with orders to hunt and kill a Titanoboa or other vicious predator. (Maybe you should send them in groups, like the pre-Heresy Alpha Legion, so they may learn to fight as one.) Don't make them waste time digging for ore.

It is also where they are introduced to the wider Imperium (they aren't feral savages but they still aren't on the same level as the rest of the galaxy).

In 'Space Wolf', the Chapter has "tutelary engines" that upload knowledge of how to use and maintain high-tech equipment, directly into the recruits' brains. (See uploads in 'The Matrix' films, where Trinity learns how to fly a helicopter in SECONDS.) Upload the data into the Head Taker recruits' brains, send them on field exercises and war games to see how well they use this newfound knowledge- NOT metaphorically slaving away in a salt mine.

[RagingGriffon]

If you are hell-bent on using these mines in your IA (which it seems you are, and you are rarely pursuaded otherwise ;) ) then allow me to make a suggestion:

 

- aspirants are picked, and then sent directly to the mines

- many will die, then the survivors are then sent to militart training never to go back there again.

 

Firewalker is right, though. Once they are tapped and start receiving the implants it would be a waste of time to put them in the mines.

 

As far as constructive criticism... I think this needs to be compressed. You have a lot of "filler" in this article. Example: "At the dawn of the 32nd millennium the Imperium was wrought with war. Xenos raiders ravage isolated worlds while heretics sway thousands away from the Emperors light." and "The Head Takers organization is loosely the same as that of a codex chapter with a few exceptions. As per a codex chapter the Head Takers are divided into ten companies each led by a captain."

 

We know the 32d M is full of war. If they are already codex, then they have ten companies. Do you see what I am saying? Less filler, more meat. I WANT MEAT!

[Jarl Bloodwolf]

Ah but see this is apart of their training. This idea came to me from the 1st Space Wolf Omnibus when the aspirants where taken to Russvik where they were constantly worked and forced to run and so forth to increase their physical strength and endurance BEFORE they even start their training (just because they are good warriors dosen't mean they are in shape ;) ).

Even in 'Space Wolf', Ragnar and the other recruits spent their time TRAINING- specifically, physical training- not toiling in mines like slaves.

Also the mines are a much more dangerous place than the surface is and so here is where the aspirants are really tested to see if they can survive.

Then send the recruits into the mines, with orders to hunt and kill a Titanoboa or other vicious predator. (Maybe you should send them in groups, like the pre-Heresy Alpha Legion, so they may learn to fight as one.) Don't make them waste time digging for ore.

It is also where they are introduced to the wider Imperium (they aren't feral savages but they still aren't on the same level as the rest of the galaxy).

In 'Space Wolf', the Chapter has "tutelary engines" that upload knowledge of how to use and maintain high-tech equipment, directly into the recruits' brains. (See uploads in 'The Matrix' films, where Trinity learns how to fly a helicopter in SECONDS.) Upload the data into the Head Taker recruits' brains, send them on field exercises and war games to see how well they use this newfound knowledge- NOT metaphorically slaving away in a salt mine.

 

But see thats what people are getting hung up on is the whole mining thing. Everything you said about physical training, hunting monsters and being tutored by high-tech equiptment is in the above IA if not directly stated. It is the exact same thing as Russvik it just isn't in a camp in the mountains it's in a mine.

 

I'll be going back and fleshing out that section so it is understood that the chapter isn't using the aspirants as a way to get the Adamantium. They are using the mines as a place to strengthen their aspirants, test them in a deadly environment against deadly creatures and situations, and determine who has the will to survive. Since readers are getting hung up on the idea of them being in a mine when all this happens I now know that I need to flesh out this section of the IA so thank you brothers I will be making changes soon ;).

 

Also nothing I said is ment to be rude I'm hearing what you're saying it's just to me it seems like its more of an issue as to what they do in the mine instead of being in the mine itself which I will fix

 

@ RagingGriffon: :) yep that little emoticon of the face butting its head agains the wall represents me perfectly except I'm the wall, I don't budge ;)

 

As per your suggestions on how to keep the mines in the IA they are in the IA already I just think I didn't word them right for it to be understood that that's what happens.

 

As for the thinning bit I'm not to sure how to do that as to me an IA needs a little narative (especially the begining) to introduce the subject? So any suggestions on how to actually do it? I mean I'm not sure what to say as an alternative if what I've already said is to much?

[RagingGriffon]

As per your suggestions on how to keep the mines in the IA they are in the IA already I just think I didn't word them right for it to be understood that that's what happens.

 

and that is the crux of problems in writing. You know what you mean, but it is how you convey it to other people is howthey get it. I think a lot of the troubles you run into is in the wording. I can tell you are moving three million miles a minute. My suggestion is to slow down a bit. Let things simmer. My Crimson Warlords are sitting on page three by now. I am waiting some more. I am letting the ideas roll around my head a bit. I am also waiting for someone to do commission work for art. When that is all done I will sumit.

 

As far as cutting stuff down: I would just say something like this...

 

Yours

At the dawn of the 32nd millennium the Imperium was wrought with war. Xenos raiders ravage isolated worlds while heretics sway thousands away from the Emperors light. To better combat the rising threats and insure peace throughout isolated systems the High Lords of Terra ordered the commencement of the 3rd founding. From this period of creation was born the chapter that would come to call themselves the Head Takers. Created to guard the Besamir subsector from Eldar raids, the chapter is well known for their cunning and ferocity in battle as well as the stubborn refusal to retreat that has been inherited from their parent chapter the Imperial Fists

 

Mine

The dawn of the 32nd Millenium found the High Lords of Terra creating the Third Astartes Founding. The creation of the Head Takers were specifically designed to guard the Besamir subsector from Eldar raids and other emerging Xenos threats. The geneseed of Rogal Dorn was selected for their lineage and the traditional traits of stubborness and ferocity in battle run in the Head Takers' veins

 

That was a quick edit just to show you how you can get the exact same thing out but in less space.

 

One last thing... Why Head Takers? I don't get that from your IA. It doesn' sound very Loyalist. Also, why 3rd Founding? That is pretty old.

[Jarl Bloodwolf]

As per your suggestions on how to keep the mines in the IA they are in the IA already I just think I didn't word them right for it to be understood that that's what happens.

 

and that is the crux of problems in writing. You know what you mean, but it is how you convey it to other people is howthey get it. I think a lot of the troubles you run into is in the wording. I can tell you are moving three million miles a minute. My suggestion is to slow down a bit. Let things simmer. My Crimson Warlords are sitting on page three by now. I am waiting some more. I am letting the ideas roll around my head a bit. I am also waiting for someone to do commission work for art. When that is all done I will sumit.

 

As far as cutting stuff down: I would just say something like this...

 

Yours

At the dawn of the 32nd millennium the Imperium was wrought with war. Xenos raiders ravage isolated worlds while heretics sway thousands away from the Emperors light. To better combat the rising threats and insure peace throughout isolated systems the High Lords of Terra ordered the commencement of the 3rd founding. From this period of creation was born the chapter that would come to call themselves the Head Takers. Created to guard the Besamir subsector from Eldar raids, the chapter is well known for their cunning and ferocity in battle as well as the stubborn refusal to retreat that has been inherited from their parent chapter the Imperial Fists

 

Mine

The dawn of the 32nd Millenium found the High Lords of Terra creating the Third Astartes Founding. The creation of the Head Takers were specifically designed to guard the Besamir subsector from Eldar raids and other emerging Xenos threats. The geneseed of Rogal Dorn was selected for their lineage and the traditional traits of stubborness and ferocity in battle run in the Head Takers' veins

 

That was a quick edit just to show you how you can get the exact same thing out but in less space.

 

One last thing... Why Head Takers? I don't get that from your IA. It doesn' sound very Loyalist. Also, why 3rd Founding? That is pretty old.

 

Actually it took me about a month to make the changes between the 1st draft of this and the 2nd

 

In celtic mythology the head is the vessel for the soul and the celts were known as head hunters. I put this into the tribes of Clamh and the chapter takes it's name from that tradition as it is also something they practice.

 

As for the 3rd founding It is my favorite founding and I wanted my chapter to have a long history. I know there are those who will say that it adds nothing to the chapter and that they could come from a later founding and still have history but the 3rd is the one I like and the one I want. And it may not add anything to the chapter (besides they're history of fighting against each Black Crusade) it dosen't take anything away from them either. So in short it's my favorite founding and it's the one I wanted :lol:

[RagingGriffon]

As for the 3rd founding It is my favorite founding and I wanted my chapter to have a long history. I know there are those who will say that it adds nothing to the chapter and that they could come from a later founding and still have history but the 3rd is the one I like and the one I want. And it may not add anything to the chapter (besides they're history of fighting against each Black Crusade) it dosen't take anything away from them either. So in short it's my favorite founding and it's the one I wanted

 

Everything in writing should have a purpose. A true author does not force a plot due to his own convictions or feelings. Why would you be 3rd Founding if you specifically mention they were founded to fight Eldar and other Xenos; yet, you say they have fought against every Black Crusade (without mentioning Chaos once in your IA)? You have some decent themes with your Chapter, but it is also noticable when you interject Jarl Bloodwolf's wants in there as well. Think about that for a bit.

 

++ Make sure things are kept civil please - Ferrata ++

[Jarl Bloodwolf]

As for the 3rd founding It is my favorite founding and I wanted my chapter to have a long history. I know there are those who will say that it adds nothing to the chapter and that they could come from a later founding and still have history but the 3rd is the one I like and the one I want. And it may not add anything to the chapter (besides they're history of fighting against each Black Crusade) it dosen't take anything away from them either. So in short it's my favorite founding and it's the one I wanted

 

Everything in writing should have a purpose. A true author does not force a plot due to his own convictions or feelings. Why would you be 3rd Founding if you specifically mention they were founded to fight Eldar and other Xenos; yet, you say they have fought against every Black Crusade (without mentioning Chaos once in your IA)? You have some decent themes with your Chapter, but it is also noticable when you interject Jarl Bloodwolf's wants in there as well. Think about that for a bit.

 

++ Make sure things are kept civil please - Ferrata ++

 

Actually I did mention chaos. It's in the last paragraph of the homeworld section since it partains to the chapters homeworld being in the Eye of Terror region.

 

And I see nothing wrong with having my chapter come from the 3rd founding.

[RagingGriffon]

Ferrata: I was being civil. My comment was to point out when he said, "that little emoticon of the face butting its head agains the wall represents me perfectly except I'm the wall, I don't budge."

 

Jarl: I think if you are going to go 3rd Founding, because you want to have participated in every Black Crusade, then you need to focus more on Chaos (because it was easily glossed over in one sentence with "chaos" not "Chaos"). Participating in every Black Crusade is HUGE. I don't know if any canon Chapter has done that. So, I caution you if you are going to take that route.

[Ferrata]

As far was we presume, it is not remnants of a company that move on to form a chapter. This is a purely Liber based point though, so feel free to ignore it. We generally go on the idea that a Captain and a training cadre (20 marines?) go to train the new recruits.

 

The 9th Company is the Reserve Devastator company, surely the 8th would suit your chapter better.

 

It is impossible for the chapter to have fought against every Black Crusade. Abaddon's first BC was before the Third Founding, and Dorn died in a BC that was even before that (unless GW screwed up their dates). They could have fought in a majority of battles though.

 

It is hardly likely that a chapter defending the Eye will be invovled in the crusade against the T'au, they are on opposite sides of the galaxy.

 

++

 

Edit as RG posted whilst I was posting.

 

I don't know if any canon Chapter has done that. So, I caution you if you are going to take that route.

The Ultramarines (kinda). Due to their failure to defend the Emperor at his time of need (as they had been very handily moved away by Horus), the Ultramarines have placed an honour guard to defend the Eye. This isn't made up of only Ultramarines, but purely of Ultramarine successor chapters. Agreed though that this needs to be a massive part of the chapter.

[Jarl Bloodwolf]

Ferrata: I was being civil. My comment was to point out when he said, "that little emoticon of the face butting its head agains the wall represents me perfectly except I'm the wall, I don't budge."

 

Huh?

 

Jarl: I think if you are going to go 3rd Founding, because you want to have participated in every Black Crusade, then you need to focus more on Chaos (because it was easily glossed over in one sentence with "chaos" not "Chaos"). Participating in every Black Crusade is HUGE. I don't know if any canon Chapter has done that. So, I caution you if you are going to take that route.

 

Respectfully I want the chapter to be apart of the 3rd founding simply because that is what I want not because I want them to be able to fight in Black Crusades. I lose nothing by having them be from the 3rd founding and see no reason to change it.

 

I'll also be sure to capitalise Chaos o it isn't so hard to see.

 

As far was we presume, it is not remnants of a company that move on to form a chapter. This is a purely Liber based point though, so feel free to ignore it. We generally go on the idea that a Captain and a training cadre (20 marines?) go to train the new recruits.

 

The 9th Company is the Reserve Devastator company, surely the 8th would suit your chapter better.

 

It is impossible for the chapter to have fought against every Black Crusade. Abaddon's first BC was before the Third Founding, and Dorn died in a BC that was even before that (unless GW screwed up their dates). They could have fought in a majority of battles though.

 

It is hardly likely that a chapter defending the Eye will be invovled in the crusade against the T'au, they are on opposite sides of the galaxy.

 

++

 

Edit as RG posted whilst I was posting.

 

I don't know if any canon Chapter has done that. So, I caution you if you are going to take that route.

The Ultramarines (kinda). Due to their failure to defend the Emperor at his time of need (as they had been very handily moved away by Horus), the Ultramarines have placed an honour guard to defend the Eye. This isn't made up of only Ultramarines, but purely of Ultramarine successor chapters. Agreed though that this needs to be a massive part of the chapter.

 

I think in my IA I worded it as the chapter fought in numerous Black Crusades not all of them? If not I'll change the wording on it because I have no intention on rewriting my chapter to fight mainly Chaos so I will change that.

 

Also you're right it does make more sense to have them be the 8th since the chapter does favor cc so thank you for the suggestion.

 

Is it really that impossible to have one company that fought in the Damocles Gulf Crusade? I'm trying to think of other chapters that have fought in engagments across the galaxy and all that comes to mind are fleet chapters like the BT and IF. Would it be more likely if my chapter swore and oath of aid to another chapter that fought in the Eastern Fringe lke say the If since they are their parent chapter and I believe the IF were there?

 

It dosen't even have to be Tau. Maybe I will move the planet to the Eastern Fringe which would make more sense concidering I want distance from Mars and I could have Calamh be in the region of the Maelstrom instead of the Eye which would keep them fighting chaos incursions. But then I would lose the Black Crusades (which I used since Codex Grey suggested that I should fill in a bit more on the engagments that the chapter has participated in) which isn't that big of a deal to me. I would also lose them fighting Craftworld Ibraesil (or however you spell it) which is known for its number of Banshees and is located in Segmentum Pacificus. I'll toss it around and see what I decide

[Ferrata]

The reason that you don't see many chapters fighting both in the EoT and in the Eastern Fringe is because they are the opposite sides of the galaxy. It takes a long time to travel that distance, and therefore chapters which are closer to the scene will take to the fight. Why don't the Cornish Fire Service fight fires in North Scotland? Because by the time they got there, everything would be burnt to the ground. It makes more sense for the North Scottish Fire Service to respond. The same is true for chapters and the Imperium.

[Jarl Bloodwolf]

Ok well I think I'll just move the location of Calamh as to me it makes more sense though it does mean that I'll have to tweak how the chapter found their home planet and such, that or I could just make up my own Eldar Craftworld that fits the theme of what I want.

[Ferrata]

I could just make up my own Eldar Craftworld that fits the theme of what I want.

That is always the best idea. About Craftworld Kai'jalk or Bani-Tamei?