Death Bringers

[Flood]

 *Current IA is being worked on here.

 

 

 

 

If a mod could be so kind, please close/delete this thread as it is no longer relevant. Thanks.

[Brother Rathul]

Can we see a little bit more? Possibly a color scheme/ chapter symbol?

Can't open the PDF either, is that just me?

[Flood]

Should work now, had to update it there for a minute.

 

Scheme and insignia:

 

http://flood40k.comule.com/images/deathbringer_scheme.jpg

 

http://flood40k.comule.com/images/deathbringers-insignia.jpg

 

The insigina depicts the twin moons of the homeworld, and the head is that of a Varanasaur; a vicious hexapod-reptile native to the home planet.

[Brother Rathul]

I like the color scheme, very cool.

It still won't let me read the PDF but I'll take your word for it (My computer sucks) This looks like it shall have much promise.

Best of luck,

Brother Rathul

[Flood]

Odd. Seems to work OK from this end. If anyone else has problems please let me know, might just be the version of acrobat you're using.

[Ferrata]

I can open it, although I would suggest copying and pasting it into the post itself. Many people will be viewing on computers they aren't allowed to download PDFs from (work/school). I've had a brief skim over a few bits, at the moment I saw quite a bit of detail, maybe too much. It is quite a common thing for people to overwrite their chapters and miss massive bits out as they focus on details of other sections.

[Flood]

I'd left it as a pdf because it was quite in-depth m8, bit long for a post I thought. I've intended it to be highly detailed in background etc. as I'll be writing some short stories based around this. Sorry if it's a bit overwhelming for the purposes of a general review.

Which parts are you referring to when you say "miss massive bits out"?

[Espada Azul]

Ferrata: Actually a quick word count shows that his PDF has fewer words than some of our IAs in the Librarium (just 5214 words; for comparison my own IA is 6000+ words). It's a formatting nightmare though, and it doesn't follow the usual delineations between sections like we have here; meaning brief Introduction, Origins, Important Historical Campaign, Homeworld and Recruitment, Organization and Tactics, Gene-Seed, Beliefs, and Battle-Cry/Motto.

[Ferrata]

Ferrata: Actually a quick word count shows that his PDF has fewer words than some of our IAs in the Librarium

To spare the pun, it is not the length but how you use it. A 3000 word IA can have all the information in, or ramble too long about something that isn't that important. I could easily write a 1000 word IA that had more detail about the chapter (i.e. what the reader needs to know) over a 10000 word IA that rambles about the history of one Chapter Master :lol:

[Octavulg]

I've always taken the view that 5000 words is pushing too long for a DIY IA (yes, I'm aware of how long the Ice Lords are, and yes I think they should be cut down some. I've been trying to figure out how for a while). GW IAs stretch from 3000 to 5000 words. Your Chapter is unlikely to be more interesting than theirs - theirs are official.

 

Added to this, it is generally a good policy to present the most important information about the Chapter, and to do so in as concentrated a fashion as possible. GW manages to do this in 3000 to 5000 words. Many authors manage to do this in 3000. Hell, Lysimachus had presented a complete (and amazing) IT with his Iron Gods in less than 3000. He had to ask for ideas to pad it out a little.

 

Now, I'm not saying that an IA that's more than 5000 words definitely has needless information. But looking at the amount of stuff I packed into the Ice Lords, and at the variety of good IAs that finish up at 3000 words or even less, I would say it's almost a certainty. Equally, it is almost a certainty that first drafts that are much over 4000 words also have a lot of needless information.

[Espada Azul]

Octavulg: Thank you for reminding me how much I over-padded my IA. XD

 

As for the post, the History segment easily filled 70% of the PDF, and as I mentioned weren't isolated in a single place either -- the Marduk campaign and its aftermath, for example, came AFTER the Gene seed and Organization sections, both of which were preceded by History (Founding) and History (Homeworld).

[Flood]

lol OK. So for the purposes of an 'IA' (I hadn't heard the term before registering here) I should reformat the info as;

 

Introduction, Origins, Important Historical Campaign, Homeworld and Recruitment, Organization and Tactics, Gene-Seed, Beliefs, and Battle-Cry/Motto.

 

No problem. I hadn't written it out with your standard format in mind so I apologise if it makes it a hassle; as mentioned I'd been working on a 'social evolution' if you will, as basis for some short stories.

[Espada Azul]

IA is just an abbreviation for Index Astartes, which is what we call the completed (and not-so-completed) Chapter information posts done here. They're nominally in the vein of the old White Dwarf articles on Space Marine lore. Several IAs are available for perusal here.

 

The so-called format isn't enforced, but it does make an article easier to read since it has clear delineations of sections.

[Octavulg]

Flood:

Introduction, Origins, Important Historical Campaign, Homeworld and Recruitment, Organization and Tactics, Gene-Seed, Beliefs, and Battle-Cry/Motto.

 

I'll quote myself on the subject. From the Octaguide:

 

"Follow the Format

GW has produced, at best guess, about twenty-five IAs. All of them followed this format:

 

<Title>: <Chapter Name>

<Brief opening blurb about Chapter and how l33t they are>

 

Origins

 

History (varying title. Not always present. Usually the history of the Chapter after its founding years)

 

Then, in varying order:

Home World, Beliefs, Gene-seed, Combat Doctrine, and Organization. (Often in HW->B->CD->O->GS, but hardly always so)

 

Before closing with Battle-cry.

 

Any special rules or the like are found after the article.

 

This is, for better or worse, the structure on which IAs are based. It is the standard IA format, and that means it is what people will expect to see if you call what you are writing an IA. Not only does it make sense to conform to this reasonable expectation, explaining each of these sections comprehensively is a good way of ensuring that the appropriate details about your chapter are provided to the reader. There are, of course, other ways to present the same information about a chapter - but this is what will be expected if you say you are writing an IA about a chapter."

 

Note that the History section occasionally comes after the Home World section. The format's not inflexible - one or two sections can move around if necessary). But that's what is expected, and indeed, demanded to some extent by the nature of what is being written.

 

Keep in mind that an IA is just a short intelligence file on the Chapter (if you will). You can have far more information on the Chapter - it just means it's not an IA any more.

 

Espada:

 

Octavulg: Thank you for reminding me how much I over-padded my IA. XD

 

Any time. :D

[Flood]

Well thank you everyone for your interest thus far, I've done a quick re-hash of the document (see first post) so hopefully it is more fitting in with the requested format now. I've also added the icon and colour scheme pics to the end of the pdf and I'll probably tidy it up more when I have some time this week. Further input is always appreciated :P

[Octavulg]

This is of the old document, not the new. C'est la vie.

 

In 606.M37 during the 22nd space marine founding, the High Command of Terra

ordered the creation of a new chapter named the Death Bringers. Tasked with raising

the chapter was Lord Caustel, a distinguished captain whose origins are shrouded in the

mists of time. Caustel was assigned the necessary equipment and personnel and set

about recruiting would-be marines from his designated sector of space (somewhere

between the Mordant Zone and the Realm of Ultramar). At first the newly appointed

chapter master would recruit on each and every world his fleet passed in the system,

taking on the hardiest and most promising candidates before plotting course to the next

colonized planet. Eventually, after some years of this, Caustel’s fleet came across a

planet unlike any he had witnessed in his years of service, a planet so desolate and

devoid of life that it appeared to be uninhabitable by any means of terraforming. Yet,

inhabitants there were, a race of people extremely resilient, hardy, unforgiving and

keen to win favour in the eyes of the Imperium. The planet Schoel became permanent

home to the Death Bringers space marine chapter in 626.M37.

 

Chapters name themselves. This also is a little lengthier than it strictly needs to be:

 

"During the 22nd Founding, the High Lords created the Chapter which would come to be known as the Deathbringers. Under their new Master, Lord Caustel, they began to roam the desolate space between the Mordant Zone and the Realm of Ultramar. While at first they recruited on each world they passed, they eventually found a world to call their own. Though so barren and harsh that life should not have been able to survive on its surface, the world of Schoel was nonetheless inhabited. Resilient, unforgiving, and keen to win the favor of the Emperor, the people of Schoel drew the Death Bringers to what was now their home world."

 

That's 110 words to your 179, and I don't think there's any lost information. Do that to the entire IA, and you'd have about 3200 words instead of 5000.

 

Always be as short as you can be and still actually convey information. Indulge any verbose tendencies you may have only on special occasions. Verbosity and exciting prose work better as emphases than as the main event.

 

History of Schoel

 

While not uninteresting, this is quite long and could convey the same information in less space. Furthermore, I'm not sure you necessarily need all that information in order to understand the Chapter - and that's what an IA is about. The Chapter.

 

Of course, if your first focus isn't an IA, that's not necessarily a problem.

 

The Integration of the Death God

 

This, perversely, needs both less and more. More explanation of the relationship, less of who died and when.

 

The Chapter not knowing things about their home world needs to be better explained - it's possible, but we should know why.

 

Look up the Steel Ghosts, BTW. I think you might find them an inspiration. Oh, and I like your color scheme. Before I forget.

 

Mutation

 

The Raven Guard seed is quite unstable to begin with, and would seem an unlikely choice to found a new Chapter from. Also, I'm not sure what all that really adds to the Chapter.

 

Initiation

 

So the Chapter is unconcerned by swarms of mutants beneath their feet?

 

Also, creepy.

 

Marduk Sen

 

A Librarian as Chapter Master would be a great risk - they are dangerously exposed by their use of the Warp. Also, the time needed to master the arts of the psyker would leave little time for war. In most Chapters it would seem unlikely they would even be considered - the Blood Ravens are the only canon example, and they virtually worship knowledge - which would make a Librarian a much more palatable choice.

 

You also don't seem to have actually told us that much about the Death Cult yet.

 

There are many candidates for a Dark Lord/Death God - Tzeentch would not be the one I expected.

 

Blow-by-blow descriptions of battles are boring. Dull. Deathly uninteresting. Especially when there's two that seem to serve virtually the same purpose.

 

I'd actually expect the High Lords to send the rest of the Chapter on a permanent Crusade and forbid their recruiting. I'd almost expect actual disbanding of the Chapter.

 

Aftermath

 

And what does this mean, exactly? It's a complete anticlimax.

 

Death Bringers Organisation

 

Most of this simply doesn't matter. Explain only the very important differences - the rest simply aren't worth noting.

 

* * *

 

It's very long. It has some neat touches, but it could use some serious tightening up - and more time spent on the Chapter's character over the Chapter's deeds. The whole Marduk Sen thing might be important, but it's important because of what it means - don't lose sight of that.

[Flood]

Duly noted m8, thank you for taking the time to go over the piece. I'll keep these in mind when I revise it as a proper IA.;)

[RagingGriffon]

I would like to comment, but it is not up here on the board. Any way you can get it here. I work swing shift operations and I cannot access it from work. I appreciate the extra work to transfer it here.

[Flood]

Couple of questions;

 

 

 

 

How would I set a sidebar-box in the post?

 

How do I use the coloured bars for headers?

 

 

 

 

Also, could a mod possibly close this thread? It's probably best if I start a new one with an IA in mind.

 

 

 

 

Thanks.

[Octavulg]

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