Blades Eternal my first DIY chapter

[gwchaptermaster]

Blades Eternal

 

Part of the 22nd founding of the Adeptus Astartes, the Blades Eternal have earned a reputation for having one of the largest stores of MK III armour and relic weapons of all the Astartes,This was due to finding an ancient foundry that was capable of producing massive quantities of power armour and weapons.

 

Created from the geenseed of the Sons of Orar the Blades Eternal are a considered a codex chapter, but rather then rigidly following its pages they see it as guide lines, they believe in the ever changing battle field. Squad markings are revised at the beginning of each campaign no two squads bear the same markings at any given time and regularly change tactics to wrong foot and confuse the enemy. The chapter was attached to the fifth company of the Sons of Orar for fifty years training to fight as Astartes. They fought Campaigns against the green skins, dark elder and traitor marines, finally deemed ready to leave there parent chapter and find a home world, captain Nero Velcona was appointed chapter master and the chapter begin there search.

 

About thirty years after leaving the Sons of Orar the Blades had finally reached full strength, they were crusading across the ultima segmentum searching for a world they could call home, one of the chapters Liberians had a vision of an ancient fortress on a world of fire and darkness, as more and more of the Liberians had the same vision Nero felt this needed to be investigated. Looking at star charts he found that where the Liberians said the world should be was just empty space so he plotted a course to the area to investigate further, upon arrival they found the world was exactly where the the Liberians said it would be and the fortress was clearly visible from orbit built on a raised section of one of the largest volcano's, tacking six companies with him Nero made planet fall using thunderhawk gunships. Once on the surface they found the planet to be exactly how the Liberians had said a world dominated by volcano's and covered by a shroud of perpetual night. The planet followed an extremely wide orbit of its sun and only the heat from the volcano's kept the planet habitable, Nero felt an instant connection to the world he stood upon and hoped there search for a home world was at an end, The chapter made for the fortress.

 

Upon arrival at the fort they found the outer walls to be in ruins but the keep was intact, The entrance to the keep had been sealed Nero tried to send word back to the fleet but it was no longer in orbit around the planet Nero was shocked the fleet had left without orders and no explanation could be found for the its disappearance. The chief librarian Tyran Densak claimed it was like it was never there all he said was there was a disturbance in the warp matching when a fleet makes a warp jump, Nero knew this was impossible because the system's jump point was on the other side of its star and the fleet had not had enough time to reach it. He told the techmarines to gain access to the keep, It took the techmarines eight hour's to breach the seal on the door using the plasma cutters of there servo harness, Nero kept trying to raise the fleet but was unsuccessful. Nero ordered the chapter to secure the fortress and await the return of the fleet. They had secured the inner keep and found each room was full of functional foundry machines that could create power armour weapons and ammo, using the keeps command station they sent word back to the Adeptus Terra telling them of the fortress and the disappearance of the fleet and continued there search.

 

They found a great door that had been sealed from the inside that led to the lower vaults, after breaching this door the same way as the they had the other, Nero ordered the second company to remain in the keep to guard the way back out, the first third fourth fifth and sixth companies continued there search. It was in these cave systems that they found the population of the planet fighting for survival against subterranean Mutant creatures that had made the vaults there home, a tribal culture had developed in the subterranean vaults that worshipped a god that had sent the Mutant creatures as a test so they could prove themselves worthy of his attention. The vault dwellers were skilled warriors with pale skin and red eyes, they were skilled in the construction of automatic Rifles and light weight combat armour, they lived in a number of towns that were hidden within the tunnels. The moment the Astartes made contact with the tribes they all dropped to there knees for they believed that there god had sent his angels to return them to the surface of the world. The Elders sent word to all the towns of their salvation and they all flocked to the Astartes to get a look at the angels of there god. Nero spoke with the tribes Elders hoping to learn of the fortress.

 

Through the Elders Nero learned that the planet was called Defell and that the tribes had descended from the original Machanicus workers from the foundry that had fled into the caves when traitors had attacked the fortress. The Elders did not know the outcome of the Battle or the fate of the warriors that had remained on the surface to protect them. The Elders also spoke of the relics of the past that the Tribe had protected since the time when there god had walked amongst the stars,Nero was fascinated by this and demanded to see these relics. The Elders told Nero to follow them to the relic chamber, Nero and Tyran followed the the elders into the depths, once they reached the relic chamber the Astartes were amazed by the weapons and armour that were stored within. There were hundreds of suits of unpainted iron armour lined up in neat rows, racks of intracatly crafted bolter's and power weapons lined The walls. The Elders told Nero the weapons of god belong in the hands of his Angels. Nero began to examine the weapons and found a matched pair of power fists, that had a bolter built into the underside of each one, Tyran found an ornate skull topped force staff that had intricate patterns worked down its length that glowed in his grip, Nero told each of his Honour Guard to take one of the swords. After leaving the relic chamber Nero told the Tribe's he would lead them to the surface leaving the fifth company to guard the chamber.

 

Five days after they entered the tunnels the Astartes began the return to the surface with the Tribe's but were attacked by the Mutant Creatures, the Tribe's warriors charged alongside the Astartes With there swords raised and guns bucking in there hands, they had a fury that spoke to Nero and he realised these would make ideal recruits for the chapter, the battle lasted over two hour's but the Mutants were finally defeated almost non escaped. The Tribe's warriors suffered heavily, Few Were killed but many would never fight again, the chapter lost fifteen battle brothers, Nero chose not to pursue the enemy and lead the wakened tribe to the safety of the fort. Once they reached the surface the second company captain Tarik Vandius told Nero that they had received word that the Machanicus would arrive in two weeks but there was still no word from the missing fleet. Nero told the apothecary's to test the Tribe for genetic purity, the results were as he hoped and twenty-two of the Tribe's most promising youths were inducted as recruits, the remainder of the tribe were taught of the emperor and that this was the true name of the god they worshipped, the Elders told Nero that they were forever his servants and if he ever needed more warriors to seek them out, With this the Tribes split into six groups and left the fortress to start a new life on the surface.

 

The Astartes returned to the caves to hunt down and kill the remaining Mutants, the caves were cleansed with fire and no trace of the foul Mutants remained, They collected the relics and returned to the surface to await the arrival of the machanicum. upon there arrival a senior adept of the Mechanicum met with Nero and told him that in return for the forge they would be gifted with a new fleet and allowed to build a fortress monastery on the planets moon. The adept told Nero that Mechanicum presence on the world would be limited to the foundry fortress alone and in return for protection from the chapter they would allow the chapter to take the weapons and armour that the Tribe Elders had gifted them with, Nero agreed and left the adept to the rebuilding of the outer walls of the fortress.

 

The chapter had the suites painted in there colours and left the relics in the care of Mechanicum, they boarded there thunderhawk gunships and made for the planets moon to begin construction of there fortress monastery. The moon was much the same as the planet it self, dominated by volcano's and shrouded in darkness. the building of the fortress monastery took almost ten years to complete,during the construction the second and third companies were attached to Mechanicum explorator fleets hunting for lost technology. Upon completion of the fortress monastery the relics were transferred from the foundry fortress to the chapters armoury and the missing companies returned to the chapter. The new fleet arrived almost eleven years after the disappearance of the first, This gave the chapter some time to return to the Tribes to replenish some of its warriors. Each of the six groups had built new towns on the surface, the Astartes travelled to each one and told them they would be holding chapter trials every ten years, the tribe proved to be the best source of new recruits the chapter had yet found as nearly all the youth's who entered the trials were accepted into the blades, when they finely began to fight as a chapter once more there numbers stood at six hundred and twenty battle brothers and seventy new scout initiates.

 

Since the chapter found there home world they have been involved in many of the imperium's wars including the Damocles Crusade, the second, and third wars of Armageddon and are still known to fight alongside the Mechanicum to reclaim lost technology. The chapter still hunt for clues of the missing fleet that has become known amongst the chapter as the lost fleet of eternity. the chapter have heard rumours of a fleet of black ships matching the description of there lost fleet leaving imperial systems that have been devastated by the ruinous powers. They finally learned the fate of there lost brothers when the fourth company found a crippled ship drifting in the void. After boarding the ship to search for survivors they found the crew had been butchered and the cargo had been taken, when they were heading for the bridge to search the ships data banks for clues of the ships attackers they found the body of a Space Marine whose armour was that of the Blades Eternal, they removed the body's helmet and they looked upon the mutated face of a monster. The fourth company Sent a coded message to the chapter master and taking the body made for there home world. It was confirmed that this was one of there lost brothers, the chapter swore that they would hunt down and destroy the renegade fleet and wipe this stain from there honour.

 

 

 

 

Had some major additions and alterations, I hope this is easier on the eyes

if anyone could edit this correctly it would be much appreciated.

 

c&c welcome and requested

[Shinzaren]

First things first. Periods at the end of sentences, capitol letters at the beginning of sentences. Also capitalize important names, like Adeptus Astartes.

 

part of the 22nd founding of the adeptus astartes the blades eternal have earned a reputation for haveing

one of the largest stores of armour and weapons of all the astartes due to there finding of an an ancient

foundry capable of produecing massive amounts of armour weapons and vehicles

 

Why wouldn't the Adeptus Mechanicus claim this foundry world for themselves? They operate the forge worlds, so I doubt they are gonna let something this important evade their grasp. At least not without a fight.

 

about 20 years after there inception they were crusading acros the ultima segmentum searching

for a world thay could call home when thay responded to a call for aid from an imperial facility

that was under attack from trator forces on an uncharted planet called defell.

 

It is assumed that it takes a while for chapters to build up and get moving. 20 years is a little short, though it could probably work. You mention Traitors, and a distress call, but when you get to the planet, you say there are no Chaos, and no one to operate the distress call. Where did it come from?

 

upon arraving at the sourse of the distress call the chapter made planetfall only to find the

planet a dead wasteland upon investigation of the sourse of the distress call thay found an ancient

fortress of imperial design that looked like it had not been used for melinia upon entering the

fortress thay found the interior to be in prestine condition.

 

If the planet is a dead wasteland, how is the fortress in pristine condition, and how did they open it?

 

it was only when thay tried to pass word of the abandoned fortress back to the fleet that they realised

the fleet was gone.no explanation could be found for the disapearance of the fleet or the distress call

the cheef librarian tyran densak claimed it was like it was never there all.he said was there was a

disturbance in the warp matching when a fleet makes a warp jump the chapter master nero velcona

ordered the chapter to man the fortress and await the return of the fleet the fleet never returned.

 

This is interesting, but needs to be fleshed out. A little mystery is good, confusion is bad. Do you, as the writer, know where the fleet went? Or is it really a mystery for everyone involved, and it's just gone?

 

thay had secured the fortress and found each room was full of functional foundry machines that could create

power armour weapons vehicles and ammo they sent word back to the adeptus tera telling them of the fortress

and the dissaperance of the fleet and continued the search of the fortress they found a great door that had

been sealed from the inside that led to the lower catacombes after braeching the door thay continued there

search

 

This seems too convenient. Not only do Space Marines find this fortress, but it can somehow make Space Marine power armor, Space Marine vehicles, and Space Marine weapons and ammo? If this world is as awesome as you say, the Adeptus Terra would hand it over to the AM (Adeptus Mechanicus), who would use it for the good of all Space Marine chapters. This could be a source of conflict, as your Astartes refuse to hand over the world. However, tread carefully, as you are one chapter against what would basically be the entire might of the AM.

 

it was in these cave systems that thay found the population of the planet fighting for servival against the

subteranian creatures that had made the vaults there home.

a tribal culture had developed in the subteranian vaults after testing for purity the vauvt dwelers proved ideal

candidates for the creation of astartes the blades eternal had found there homeworld.

 

How do the cave dwellers survive? Why aren't they pale, stunted mole men with huge eyes? Do the Space Marines aid them against the mutants, or let them fight everyday, hoping to breed hardier warriors?

 

As a rough draft, it is just that, rough. However, the ideas are cool, and with a bit of fleshing, and a bit of explanation could make a workable IA. Just make sure you Spell Check, proofread, use proper punctuation and grammar, and make an effort to make it readable. I would be happy to proofread and edit future drafts for you if need be. Just gotta keep working it though.

[gwchaptermaster]

As you said Shinzaren it is a rough draf it is very much in the earley stages most of it came to me this morning. Reading over it it needs a hell of allot of fleshing out and i will edit the whole thing.

Do you think the Adeptus Mechanicus Would just want the machines or the planet?

[ChaplainMathreyn]

The Adeptus Mechanicus controls basically All processes of manufacture, and technology... A Chapter's foundry can no doubt repair and carefully build/re-build armor adn weapons, but if you're in the can with very heavy losses, the Mechanicus will be able to provide larger amounts of resources to get you back on your feet (Although with very old armor/weaponry, I'm sure.)

[Shinzaren]

In the scenario you are describing, the most likely outcome, that I can figure, is that the AM lay claim to the entire facility. Perhaps, as the discovers of the find, and for their good faith in giving up the facility willingly, they reward the Space Marines stewardship of the planet. They work the machines, and let the Chapter reap some of the benefits. Your chapter would basically form a protective guard, using the planet as the base of operations, but giving up control of the facility. However, and this is is speculation on my part, but I feel the Am would probably just exterminate all the living things in the tunnels and catacombs, mutant and normal alike. They would probably want to limit any...organic contamination.

[Argon]

In the scenario you are describing, the most likely outcome, that I can figure, is that the AM lay claim to the entire facility. Perhaps, as the discovers of the find, and for their good faith in giving up the facility willingly, they reward the Space Marines stewardship of the planet. They work the machines, and let the Chapter reap some of the benefits. Your chapter would basically form a protective guard, using the planet as the base of operations, but giving up control of the facility. However, and this is is speculation on my part, but I feel the Am would probably just exterminate all the living things in the tunnels and catacombs, mutant and normal alike. They would probably want to limit any...organic contamination.

 

At the very least, they'd turn the inhabitants into laborers who would likely end up working themselves to death. Even then, that's only going to happen if the cogboys find them suitable.

 

 

Also, please go over this with a spell check. This needs some serious work on the grammar front.

 

Also also, welcome to the B&C. We Liberites might seem mean, but I assure you we're trying to help.

[gwchaptermaster]

Thanks for the help guys,Will work on it some more and fill in some of the blanks. Might put that the Am give the chapter a new fleet but take the facility and seal the vaults.

The chapter could build there fortress monestary on a moon, Protecting the planet for the mecanicum.

 

 

 

 

Again thanks for the help :)

[gwchaptermaster]

I made some changes and fleshed it out a bit, Still got more to come but thats the rough history of there founding and the finding of there home world.

 

 

 

 

Again thanks for the help, c+c welcome

[gwchaptermaster]

Dont seem to be getting much intrest but i will keep adding to it. I need to know if this would fit with existing fluff ?

can someone give me there opinions on it please thanks in advance :cuss

[The Normish]

Well, I attempted to read it, but the first paragraph was one huge run-on sentence.

I suggest improving your grammatical skills or asking someone to edit it if you have trouble.

 

Skimming through the rest of it, the story is good, but you should expand on other sections, as commanded by the Guide to DIYing.

 

Hope that helps.

[gwchaptermaster]

Thanks for the link Normish, :) working on breaking it up a bit now, also altered and added quite a bit.

 

thanks again for the link man

[Captain Juan Juarez]

"Huge Wall o' Text off the starboard bow! Prime lance batteries!"

 

Ahem.. Try adding headers, it will make it easier to read and won't make my eyes bleed.

 

BBCode Tutorial

 

Enjoy :)

[Argon]

One thing I noticed was that you keep using "there" incorrectly.

 

You've got more homework. :)

 

 

Another thing was that you keep using apostrophes incorrectly.

 

"towns" means more than one town.

 

"town's" means something belongs to the town.

[Shinzaren]

Part of the 22nd founding of the Adeptus Astartes, the Blades Eternal have earned a reputation for having

one of the largest stores of armour and weapons of all Astartes, due mostly to their finding of an an ancient

foundry that was capable of producing massive quantities of power armour and weapons.

 

Created from the geenseed of the Sons of Orar, the Blades Eternal are a considered a codex chapter. However, rather

than rigidly following its pages, they view it as a guide. They believe in the theory of an ever changing battlefield

and regularly change tactics to wrong foot and confuse the enemy. Squad markings are revised at the beginning

of each campaign, with no two squads bearing the same markings at any given time. This has led some other chapters

to view them as heretics, but the honours they have won in the name of the Emperor have proven their loyalty. The chapter

was attached to the Fifth Company of the Sons of Orar for fifty years; fighting as one with the fifth until they were deemed

ready to leave their parent chapter and find a home world. Captain Nero Velcona was appointed Chapter Master and

the chapter began their search.

 

Roughly thirty years after leaving the Sons of Orar, the Blades were crusading across the Ultima Segmentum, searching

for a world they could call home. At this time, one of the chapter Librarians had a vision of an ancient fortress on a world

of fire and darkness. Eventually, more and more of the Librarians had the same vision, and so Nero felt this needed to be

investigated. Looking at star charts, he found the area the Librarians claimed the world should be located was instead

empty space. He plotted a course to the area, hoping to investigate further. Upon arrival they found the world

exactly as the the Librarians said it would be, and the fortress was clearly visible from orbit; built on a

raised section of one of the largest volcano's. Taking six companies with him, Nero made planet fall using

Thunderhawk Gunships.

 

Once on the surface they found the planet to be exactly how the Librarians had described: a world dominated by volcanoes

and covered by a shroud of perpetual night. The planet followed an extremely wide orbit around its sun and only the

heat from the volcanoes kept the planet habitable. Nero felt an instant connection to the world he stood upon and he

hoped their search for a home world was at an end. The chapter made for the fortress, and upon arrival they found the outer walls to be in ruins, but the keep intact. The entrance to the keep had been sealed, and so Nero tried to send word back to the fleet, but it was no longer in orbit around the planet. Nero was shocked to find that the fleet had left without orders, and no explanation could be found for their disappearance. The Chief Librarian Tyran Densak claimed it was like the fleet was never there. All he could say was that there was a disturbance in the warp matching that of fleet making warp jumps. Nero knew this was impossible, as the system's jump point was on the other side of the star and the fleet had not had enough time to reach it. He ordered his Techmarines to breach the Keep, which they eventually managed to do after cutting on the seal for nearly 8 hours with plasma torches. Nero himself kept trying to raise the fleet but was unsuccessful.

 

Once inside, Nero ordered the remaining chapter to secure the fortress and await the return of the fleet. As they secured the inner keep, they found each room was full of functional foundry machines that could create power armour, weapons, and

ammunition. Using the keep's command station, they sent word back to the Adeptus Terra, telling them of the fortress and

the disappearance of the fleet. Afterward, they continued the search of the fortress, eventually finding a great door that had been sealed from their side. After breaching the door with the same method they used on the Keep gates, Nero ordered the Second Company to remain on guard in the Keep; while he took the other companies, and continued the search.

 

It was in these cave systems that they found the population of the planet fighting for survival against the subterranean Mutant creatures that had made the vaults their home. A tribal culture had developed in the subterranean vaults, one that worshipped a God who had sent the Mutant creatures as a test, allowing them to prove themselves worthy of his attention, The vault dwellers were skilled warriors, with pale skin and red eyes. These tribesmen were skilled in the construction of well developed black powder weapons, as well as lightweight combat armour. These tribes lived in a number of towns that were hidden within the tunnels. The moment the Astartes made contact with the tribes, the primitives all dropped to their knees, for they believed that their God had sent his angels to return them to the surface of the world. The Elders sent word of their salvation to the other towns, and as one people, they flocked to the Astartes to get a look at the angels of their god.

 

Nero spoke with the tribe's Elders, hoping to learn of the fortress. Through the Elders, Nero learned that the planet was called Defell and that the tribes had descended from the original Mechanicus workers who operated the foundry; many of whom had fled into the caves when a force of traitors had attacked the fortress. They did not know the outcome of the battle, nor the fate of the warriors that had remained on the surface to protect them. The Elders also spoke of the relics of the past, which the Tribe had protected since the time when their God had walked amongst the stars. Fascinated by this, Nero demanded to see these relics and treasure.

 

This is roughly how I would edit and rework it. I was gonna do the whole thing, but I am falling asleep at the comp after working a double. Your use of the Enter key is appalling, and constantly misusing there, apostrophes, periods, and capital letters made me queasy. I tried to do what I could. I apologize if I overstepped my bounds, and offered advice that was unwanted. Just wanted a little cleaner read is all.

[Tutteman]

My main input here is that the Codex is not a 10,000 year old book that the Ultramarines tell everyone to read before evn trying to blow your nose. It's 10,000 years of the greatest military minds lending their input. For example I remember it saying somewhere that regularly changing squad markings to confuse enemies is actually suggested in the Codex.

 

I can only echo others on the spell check etc. I'd suggest copy and pasting into a word processor such as Word. It'll flag up spelling and grammar errors and make life easier on both us and you. Also CJJ is spot on, splitting things up will make it so much easier on the eye, not only that but more people will actually read it meaning you'll get more feedback.

 

Nice touch on the mystery of the fleet and I like the idea of attaching the fledgling chapter to a company till it reachs strength to go independant. All in all some good work so keep it up, don't worry if we seem harsh or look like we're strangling your baby. We're trying to help...really :rolleyes:

[gwchaptermaster]

Thanks guys went over it again and changed it some more. Hope this is easy enough on the eyes.

 

Thanks for the help ;) sorry about the state of it should have done all this beffore posting but

i tend to rush things when i know i should take my time.

[Shinzaren]

Its better, but you still need better usage of commas, periods, and other punctuation, as well as proper usage of capital letters. Also, you are still using there wrong. I edited the first half or so for all of these things, and you are free to use that. I didn't edit for content though, as it was your IA. I would daresay I recommend using either mine, or have someone else edit it, because it is still rather difficult to read.