IA: The Bladeborn

[Tutteman]

The Bladeborn

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Standard Chapter Colours

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As with many of the Cursed Founding the origin of the geneseed of The Bladeborn is unknown. It is pure and complete, however it has one affliction that appears to be confined to the Sus-An coding. The acceptance rate for all implants is drastically lower than other chapters. In about two thirds of candidates who reach phase 12 the implantation of the Sus-An Membrane triggers a comatose state. Whilst in this state the Sus-An Membrane begins tumour-like growth instead of merging correctly with the brain. The candidate's immune system then targets the tumour; however this invariably leads to the fatal destruction of brain tissue leading to death. The already implanted organs cannot be recovered, and as such the death of each candidate is the death of another precious geneseed.

In general this afflicts only aspirants, however some in mature Astartes the condition can surface. Due to the Sus-An Membrane being fully integrated into the brain and mature, tumour-like growth does not occur. This means in the case of mature Astartes the coma, while indefinite, is not fatal. These marines are taken back Farron's World, to the Cavern of the Sleeping, where they remain. They are cared for by serfs and revered by the chapter as the Eternal Sleepers.

Due to the increased requirement for geneseed to maintain the Blade's strength geneseed is farmed from mind wiped subjects. The process is much the same as the one used by the Adeptus Mechanicum in the initial creation of a chapter. Untainted geneseed is a treasure to all chapters, The Bladeborn even more so as they desperately need every single seed. The chapter would only leave a geneseed unharvested in the direst of circumstances.

Beliefs

Sleeper's Guidance

Gratict walked down the echoing corridor into a great Cavern. It had been eight days since Chapter Master Haslo’s death in action. As the Captain of the Ninth he was bound to cast his vote for Haslo’s successor. First he needed to seek guidance from the Emperor. He paused in his stride to look out on the massive Cavern of Sleepers.

Whispers echoed around as frantic serfs endeavoured to record every word from the comatose Astartes. Hundred of Black Armoured Astartes lain out on slabs were surrounded be thousands of serfs and servitors, caring for the Eternal Sleepers. At the foot of many of the Sleepers knelt their brothers, some praying, others just sat quietly listening to the whispers of the Emperor.

Eventually Gratict stopped, smiling as he saw the familiar form of his old mentor and Commander Lukas. Kneeling by the side of the bed he recalled the day he had brought Lukas into this place, heading the Honour Guard carrying the Sleeping Astartes in his freshly repainted glossy black armour to his final resting place. Finally ready, he bowed his head and waited upon the Emperor.

The Bladeborn shared many of their Brother Chapters relationship with the Ecclesiarchy. However they consider them to be weak and corrupt fools for the most part. They believe that the Emperor, once mortal, has raised himself to Divinity and that he is the true master of mankind. The Bladebornborn think that the Emperor has purpose for his people, but for this they must be strong. The trials of this life are given by the Emperor, it is up to each person to face these trials and rise to their purpose.

Central to the beliefs of The Bladeborn are the Eternal Sleepers. These marines accepted the implantations and survived the process, however at a later date they have fallen into a similar coma. Matured as they are the coma is not fatal, but it is indefinite. They are taken in honour to Farron's World, to the Cavern of Sleepers where they are placed with others in the same state. They are revered, thought to be in the deepest possible communion with the Emperor. Their every mumbling is recorded by scribes and sifted for meaning by the Chaplains and Librarians of the Chapter. These Holy words guide The Bladeborn, show them the Emperor's will. The Sleepers are a living conduit to the Emperor himself.

One recurring theme of the fore-speakings is what the Chapter refer to as The Rising. They speak of a time, an End Time, when all the Galaxy shall burn in the fires of a war unlike any seen even in the depths of the Great Heresy. A time when friend and foe of Mankind gather for the Final Battle, when hordes of Daemons, Traitors, Heretics and Xenos march upon Mankind, when the God-Emperor shall ascend, Primarchs will return, Saints rise, God-Engines walk and Eternal Sleepers wake.

These will be the End Times of a Galaxy, and if the Imperium does not hold, of Mankind itself.

Homeworld

Farron’s World is a feudal world in the Ultima Segmentum, built in the ruins of what appears to be an earlier failed colonisation attempt. As with all too many planets in the Imperium vicious predators, deadly fauna and harsh climate combined to devastate the initial settlers. Upon arrival the settlers began clearing back large swaths of the thick rainforest with the intention of building upon and farming the newly created plains. However they discovered that despite previously supporting rich plant and animal life, the clear areas could not support even the most basic crops. Without any reliable food source the colony seemed doomed to failure.

The settlers had to adapt quickly, they erected tall strong walls around massive areas of the remaining rainforest. Instead of farming reverted to hunting wild beasts and foraging. This came too late to save many of the colonists, many starved and those remaining faced a tough challenge to survive, even the plants of their new home seemed hell bent on their destruction.

From the ruins of the original planetary government a feudal system emerged. While all have to be strong to survive on Farron’s World, many of the poorer prefer to gravitate to those who can guarantee security, rather than fighting for it day after day. In return for "farming" the noble's reserves they bought an Oath of Protection. Their lieges were sworn to protect them against other nobles, raiders and of course to organise them to defend against the forests and its creatures.

With the arrival of The Bladeborn this Oath has been replicated on a grander scale. This oath pledges the planet to support the Chapter in every way, with food, raw materials and basing. Additionally the chapter is owed the services of every firstborn male, noble and commoner alike. In return the chapter brings security and removes certain undesirable elements of society.

Recruitment

The Dividing

Hadbo watched as hundreds of terrified boys stood looking around nervously. They had been separated from the others when the testing had finished, they did not know it yet, but they were compatible. Giving a small signal to his brothers at the gate he stepped onto the podium and silence fell.
Hadbo spoke out clearly across the mob. “You have passed.” The boys were too awed to celebrate even this simple statement; Hadbo continued. “You now have a choice. You can attempt to become an Angel like me, but to do so you must make your way to the Place of Trials in the Herbrida Mountains, it is dangerous. You may die.” A buzz had been gathering, now it was crushed by those chilling and simple words. A pause ensued.
“Or you may return to the building behind you; you will be inducted as a serf to the Chapter. There is no dishonour in choosing this path. Either way, you serve the Emperor from this day forth. You are his.”

The Bladeborn owns the services of every firstborn male on Farron’s World by virtue of their contract with the world’s people. It is from this pool that the chapter draws its Aspirants, it’s serfs and mostly in the case of the mentally unstable, its servitors. Until the onset of the flaw they recruited purely from the nobility as they were considered far superior stock, commoners were only recruited in exceptional circumstances. However by necessity the program was expanded to provide commoners the opportunity to serve the chapter as Brothers when the Flaw set in.

Every Terran year, the firstborn males aged 10 Terran Years are given up to the Chapter and taken to the Place of Testing, here every child is bio-tested to ascertain if they are biologically compatible. Those who cannot accept the implants will become the Chapter's serfs, the rest are eligible for the trials. Firstborn of Nobles who are compatible are taken by the chapter to the Place of Trials, commoners take another route. They will have to make their own way to the Place of Trials; this is a deadly road with many perils. They must cross some of the most dangerous terrain on the planet and do so in only a few days. To meet this time limit they cannot rest, eat or say goodbyes, they simply must push on towards their goal. Only the strongest and most motivated of those commoners attempting to reach the trials succeed.

Those that do survive are thrust into a gruelling series of tests. The Crossing and The Climb are but two of the varied trials. Those who remain to the final trial are left overnight in the forests with no supplies or tools. They must find safe food, shelter and water, all while fending off predators of the forest and the freezing cold. Of the thousands of firstborn entering the Place of Testing each year only a few hundred are deemed worthy.

Those that deemed so are finally inducted into the Bladeborn. They will change beyond recognition as they progress, implanted organs altering their very body even as indoctrination changes their mind. Fresh perils await them as their body struggles with the massive changes. Yet more Aspirants will die in pursuit of becoming a true Space Marine. Yet a few will live to fulfil this dream.

Their old life is over. A new life in the service of the Emperor waits.

Combat Doctrine

The Bladeborn, as befits any Chapter of the Adeptus Astartes, are capable and ready to bring death to the foes of the Emperor in any way that they can; be it through the massed firepower of siege warfare, or through the hard hitting lightning strike that is a planetary assault.

The one doctrinal difference that the Bladeborn display is the prediliction for guerilla-style warfare when cirmcumstances allow, even over other methods which may end a conflict sooner. Such a difference comes from the wish of the Chapter to protect its combat capable forces in light of the effect that new aspirants can suffer.

Organisation

The organisation of the Bladeborn is mostly Codex. There are 5 Battle Companies, 3 Reserves Companies and 1 Veteran Company, all of codex composition. Due to the need for a greater number of recruits to sustain their numbers they have two additional Scout Companies, but to avoid drawing unwanted attention only one is officially recorded. In practise there are three separate Companies each with its own Captain and Command structure.

The Chapter is ruled by its Chapter Master who is selected by a ballot of all senior personnel such as the Captains, Chief Librarian, the Honour Guard and the Master of the Chaplains. All those involved in this decision spend many hours praying in the Cavern of Sleepers, seeking the Emperor’s Will in this matter. Such a matter cannot be taken lightly and days are often spent in prayer before casting their vote.

[Tutteman]

Okay thanks for reading the IA above. This was the Blades Marred, but in the original topic it got massively spread out as section got worked on separately. So now that I've got each section basically done I've consolidated it all so people won't have to go through two pages of posts just to get at the IA.

 

Thanks goes to Forgefather Vulkan for assisting with write up so far and to Captain Juan Juarez for coming up with a decent name.

 

So now, assuming you've read the draft IA. What do you think, while I won't encourage you to be rude, do tell me what you think. (Just plain blunt is fine.)

[Aqui]

Whilst a good idea, I'm wondering why your Chapter doesn't stop receiving the Sus-an Membrane? That way the Chapter can continue. Is it because the Chapter feels that to lose even a single implant, they are incomplete? Or is it, that to stop implantation the other organs start malfunctioning too?

 

I do like the idea of having honoured brothers laid out in (potentially) eternal sleep though :P

[Tutteman]

Whilst a good idea, I'm wondering why your Chapter doesn't stop receiving the Sus-an Membrane? That way the Chapter can continue. Is it because the Chapter feels that to lose even a single implant, they are incomplete? Or is it, that to stop implantation the other organs start malfunctioning too?

 

I do like the idea of having honoured brothers laid out in (potentially) eternal sleep though :P

 

Well I think it is the incomplete part, but in the sense that they are the Emperor's work, he designed them. To mess with anything like that would be...well heresy!

 

But a more cynical/cold possible argument would be that without the Sus-An Membrane the Eternal Sleepers would not fall asleep, depriving them of increasing their conduit to their God. Worth a few extra deaths...

 

I'll go in more depth tomorrow, maybe an edit to explain...

[Aqui]

Whilst a good idea, I'm wondering why your Chapter doesn't stop receiving the Sus-an Membrane? That way the Chapter can continue. Is it because the Chapter feels that to lose even a single implant, they are incomplete? Or is it, that to stop implantation the other organs start malfunctioning too?

 

I do like the idea of having honoured brothers laid out in (potentially) eternal sleep though :P

 

Well I think it is the incomplete part, but in the sense that they are the Emperor's work, he designed them. To mess with anything like that would be...well heresy!

 

But a more cynical/cold possible argument would be that without the Sus-An Membrane the Eternal Sleepers would not fall asleep, depriving them of increasing their conduit to their God. Worth a few extra deaths...

 

I'll go in more depth tomorrow, maybe an edit to explain...

 

Perhaps the Bladeborn feel that, despite the dangers, it is a direct "blessing" from The Emperor, and as such worth the risks. I can see your point about the extreme reluctance to remove the Sus-an membrane though ;)

[Forgefather Vulkan]

Hello there Tutteman, it's nice to see out hard work on this chapter finally all fancied up :P I did just have a bit of a 'DOH!' moment as I cannot believe I missed the point that's just been raise... Why don't they just stop recieving the membrane as it would solve their problems.

 

I think the beliefs about the eternal sleepers may be the answer I.e. Not wanting to mess around with their anatomy, I think it may be helpful to look and see if the IF got rid of their Sus-an as it's no use. May help, I believe they didn't so see if there's a reason for it. It's a tough one though

 

Forgefather

[Aqui]

Hello there Tutteman, it's nice to see out hard work on this chapter finally all fancied up ;) I did just have a bit of a 'DOH!' moment as I cannot believe I missed the point that's just been raise... Why don't they just stop recieving the membrane as it would solve their problems.

 

I think the beliefs about the eternal sleepers may be the answer I.e. Not wanting to mess around with their anatomy, I think it may be helpful to look and see if the IF got rid of their Sus-an as it's no use. May help, I believe they didn't so see if there's a reason for it. It's a tough one though

 

Forgefather

 

As far as I know, the circumstances as to how the IF lost theirs are unknown. I haven't read the new novel about them, so I don't know if it's touched on in that.

 

I am looking forward to reading more though Tutteman :P

[Captain Juan Juarez]

The history of The Bladeborn hides a dark secret, as do many of the 21st founding chapters. It is believed that in a vain attempt to improve upon the Emperor’s work gene seeds of the founding were modified. Tampering with such ill understood and complex systems as Gene Seeds produced dire side effects in almost all cases.

 

Seems all a bit "Look at me, this is going to be cool.." for an opening line. Plus I disagree with the construction of the passage, it should be referenced as "geneseed".

 

Also the "The.." part of the name doesn't need captilization; the Bladeborn.

 

 

At first The Bladeborn appeared to be untouched by mutation or instability and performed well in early trials, dealing with piratical incursions and minor uprisings with ease, however soon the curse set in with devastating effect. In two thirds of candidates, a coma set in after the implantation of the Sus-An Membrane. Soon the body’s immune system targeted the Membrane, but this leads to death as the brain is attacked by its own body. Mortality from the coma in aspirants was and remains 100%. The proud chapter maintained the secret while desperately seeking a solution. Withdrawing from campaigning while they attempted to rebuild.

 

That seems an awful lot of data packed in a small passage with little in the way of detail, at least thats how I read it!

 

 

However one Techmarine recently returned from training on Mars suggested using much the same process used to produce the initial gene seed stock of new Astartes chapters on the Red Planet.

 

I doubt a Techmarine would really learn of that, if only because it would be a Biologis matter and something that a keeper of technology would be ill-suited to dealing with.

 

 

The Bladeborn have concealed the vast scale of its recruitment programs by keeping the process concealed in secret farms in the deep caverns of their world and officially only having one Scout Company. Darker methods still have been used to avoid detection in their gene seed tributes to Mars. How long this veil of secrecy can be maintained is unknown, however to be discovered would surely bring consequences...

 

Why would it matter if they had more they had more than one Scout Company? It is done, at least by the Exorcists and besides, tripled intake for aspirants doesn't mean they all become Astartes; some will inevitably fail.

 

As for "Darker methods..", surely there would be noticeable difference in the geneseed, if they use techiniques that are sibling to those on Mars?

 

 

As with many of the Cursed Founding the origin of the gene seed of The Bladeborn is unknown. It is pure and complete, however it has one affliction that appears to be confined to the Sus-An coding. The acceptance rate for all implants is drastically lower than other chapters. In about two thirds of candidates who reach phase 12 the implantation of the Sus-An Membrane triggers a comatose state.

 

Earlier you said, before the illicit growth of geneseed and the larger intake, that 100% of all Astartes would fall into the coma.

 

 

Due to the increased requirement for gene seed to maintain the Blade's strength gene seed is farmed from mind wiped subjects. The process is much the same as the one used by the Adeptus Mechanicum in the initial creation of a chapter, where the equipment was procured is a mystery to all but the most senior of The Bladeborn. Untainted gene seed is a treasure to all chapters, The Bladeborn even more so as they desperately need every single seed. The chapter would only leave a gene seed unharvested in the direst of circumstances.

 

You're being repetitive here,plus the "it's a mystery" bit is a tad thin.. Better to hint at, rather than say it's a mystery; say that in darker times they preyed on Imperial outposts or some such, but say something!

 

 

The Bladeborn shared many of their Brother Chapters disdain for the Ecclesiarchy.

 

Since when? The Imperial Church and the Astartes have always being cordial, at most, allies; symbolised by the Rosarius carried by a Chapters Chaplains - much in the way a Techmarine carries the Mechanicum Cog in symbol of his partnership with Mars.

 

Don't forget that the Ecclesiarchy proglomate the Imperial Belief; one that is ratified by the High Lords of Terra in the Emperor's name. The Astartes are free to pursue their own beliefs as long as they don't contradict those of the Eccelisarchy - so I doubt would consider them weak, corrupt maybe, but not weak.

 

 

Central to the beliefs of The Bladeborn are the Eternal Sleepers. These marines accepted the implantations and survived the process, however at a later date they have fallen into a similar coma. Matured as they are the coma is not fatal, but it is indefinite. They are taken in honour to Farron's World, to the Cavern of Sleepers where they are placed with others in the same state. They are revered, thought to be in the deepest possible communion with the Emperor. Their every mumbling is recorded by scribes and sifted for meaning by the Chaplains and Librarians of the Chapter. These Holy words guide The Bladeborn, show them the Emperor's will. The Sleepers are a living conduit to the Emperor himself.

 

That really kinda comes out of nowhere; a coma is refered to a a vegetative state - there is minimal brain activity, enough to keep someone alive (sometimes not even that), so how can they speak?

 

 

Though what happens to these people is a mystery to the Farronese...

 

Remove that; it's a bit too much like grandstanding.

 

 

The Bladeborn owns the services of every firstborn male on Farron’s World by virtue of their contract with the world’s people.

 

I wouldn't use the word "owns" personally, it gives the wrong vibe with the rest of the references to that subject.

 

 

Until the onset of the flaw they recruited purely from the nobility,

 

I still don't really get this; the Astartes are not elitest, so they wouldn't care about the birth of an aspirant - only his genetic compatibility.

 

 

Every Terran year..

 

But it isn't Terra...?

 

 

The Bladeborn are equally capable fighting a raiding campaign as they are spearheading a frontal assault upon a citadel. War is approached cold bloodedly. Little emotion is allowed, no mercy shown, only in battle can their anger and hate be released upon the foes of the Emperor. Even then their commanders must remain calm and unaffected, for many of the great failures in Imperial Military history have befallen from a loss of control. The Bladeborn do not intend to be the next example.

 

Feels a bit too much like too many semi-independant thoughts put together.

 

 

This task falls mostly to the Scouts of the Chapter but also the faster elements of the force, they are given targets such as supply depots, isolated patrols and communications. The enemy are left demoralised, confused and ill supplied.

 

You can't demoralise, confuse or leave an Ork ill supplied; plus I feel you'd have a hard time doing the same to the Eldar (of any stripe). What happens then?

 

 

That is pretty much it for now; sorry it's taken so long for me to have a proper look but I've only just had the time while waiting for my girlfriend to text me back - Your lucky in a way, I've been waiting hours, so it gave me time! :lol:

[Tutteman]

Okay probably best if I respond in this manner given the number of points. Bold is me, just makes it clear what I'm responding to.

 

 

The history of The Bladeborn hides a dark secret, as do many of the 21st founding chapters. It is believed that in a vain attempt to improve upon the Emperor’s work gene seeds of the founding were modified. Tampering with such ill understood and complex systems as Gene Seeds produced dire side effects in almost all cases.

 

Seems all a bit "Look at me, this is going to be cool.." for an opening line. Plus I disagree with the construction of the passage, it should be referenced as "geneseed".

 

Also the "The.." part of the name doesn't need captilization; the Bladeborn.

 

I'll deal with the capital/geneseed issue. It is a bit I suppose, but I wanted to get the explaination of the 21st founding over and done with and clearly linked.

 

At first The Bladeborn appeared to be untouched by mutation or instability and performed well in early trials, dealing with piratical incursions and minor uprisings with ease, however soon the curse set in with devastating effect. In two thirds of candidates, a coma set in after the implantation of the Sus-An Membrane. Soon the body’s immune system targeted the Membrane, but this leads to death as the brain is attacked by its own body. Mortality from the coma in aspirants was and remains 100%. The proud chapter maintained the secret while desperately seeking a solution. Withdrawing from campaigning while they attempted to rebuild.

 

That seems an awful lot of data packed in a small passage with little in the way of detail, at least thats how I read it!

 

I am trying to avoid large blocks of text where possible, but if it is needed, it is needed. I'll work it up into more detail.

 

However one Techmarine recently returned from training on Mars suggested using much the same process used to produce the initial gene seed stock of new Astartes chapters on the Red Planet.

 

I doubt a Techmarine would really learn of that, if only because it would be a Biologis matter and something that a keeper of technology would be ill-suited to dealing with.

 

He might not learn the details, but he is gonna be there for years and surely he might be curious. He is more suggesting the concept of farming, then giving details and schematics. The Apothecarion would fill in details like how we'll go about it.

 

The Bladeborn have concealed the vast scale of its recruitment programs by keeping the process concealed in secret farms in the deep caverns of their world and officially only having one Scout Company. Darker methods still have been used to avoid detection in their gene seed tributes to Mars. How long this veil of secrecy can be maintained is unknown, however to be discovered would surely bring consequences...

 

Why would it matter if they had more they had more than one Scout Company? It is done, at least by the Exorcists and besides, tripled intake for aspirants doesn't mean they all become Astartes; some will inevitably fail.

 

Yes, but if an extra 2/3 of your recruits die at some point to maintain the same output (or similar) you need about three times as many to start with. And the reason for keeping the extra Scouts a secret is more because if an Inquistitor noticed, they might wonder why the chapter needed an extra two scout companies...Are they hiding something, I mean they could be supporting about three chapters, not something that will be accepted from a 21st founding chapter. Or the truth, they are defective, they are not trusting of the Inquistion.

 

As for "Darker methods..", surely there would be noticeable difference in the geneseed, if they use techiniques that are sibling to those on Mars?

 

I was mostly copying the Black Dragons part on this, it is implied that they are culling geneseed (no space ;) thanks for that catch) from somewhere.

 

As with many of the Cursed Founding the origin of the gene seed of The Bladeborn is unknown. It is pure and complete, however it has one affliction that appears to be confined to the Sus-An coding. The acceptance rate for all implants is drastically lower than other chapters. In about two thirds of candidates who reach phase 12 the implantation of the Sus-An Membrane triggers a comatose state.

 

Earlier you said, before the illicit growth of geneseed and the larger intake, that 100% of all Astartes would fall into the coma.

 

100% of those who fall into the coma (and are not mature marines) die, that's the 100%. Two thirds of candidates fall into coma after recieving the Sus-An Membrane.

 

Due to the increased requirement for gene seed to maintain the Blade's strength gene seed is farmed from mind wiped subjects. The process is much the same as the one used by the Adeptus Mechanicum in the initial creation of a chapter, where the equipment was procured is a mystery to all but the most senior of The Bladeborn. Untainted gene seed is a treasure to all chapters, The Bladeborn even more so as they desperately need every single seed. The chapter would only leave a gene seed unharvested in the direst of circumstances.

 

You're being repetitive here,plus the "it's a mystery" bit is a tad thin.. Better to hint at, rather than say it's a mystery; say that in darker times they preyed on Imperial outposts or some such, but say something!

 

Fair enough, I'll alter to explain. Just thinking, they don't actually need much really, I mean most of the stuff they need, they have. They just need more. Maybe simple trading with a nearby Forge World? The other obvious route would be for a raid, as you say.

 

 

The Bladeborn shared many of their Brother Chapters disdain for the Ecclesiarchy.

 

Since when? The Imperial Church and the Astartes have always being cordial, at most, allies; symbolised by the Rosarius carried by a Chapters Chaplains - much in the way a Techmarine carries the Mechanicum Cog in symbol of his partnership with Mars.

 

Don't forget that the Ecclesiarchy proglomate the Imperial Belief; one that is ratified by the High Lords of Terra in the Emperor's name. The Astartes are free to pursue their own beliefs as long as they don't contradict those of the Eccelisarchy - so I doubt would consider them weak, corrupt maybe, but not weak.

 

You're right, in my brain for some reason I equated the "most chapters believe the Emperor was a great man, not a god" with disdain. I'll need to alter that. Weak, well if they are corrupt, then they are weak. I'll alter to be more along the lines of uneasy allies.

 

Central to the beliefs of The Bladeborn are the Eternal Sleepers. These marines accepted the implantations and survived the process, however at a later date they have fallen into a similar coma. Matured as they are the coma is not fatal, but it is indefinite. They are taken in honour to Farron's World, to the Cavern of Sleepers where they are placed with others in the same state. They are revered, thought to be in the deepest possible communion with the Emperor. Their every mumbling is recorded by scribes and sifted for meaning by the Chaplains and Librarians of the Chapter. These Holy words guide The Bladeborn, show them the Emperor's will. The Sleepers are a living conduit to the Emperor himself.

 

That really kinda comes out of nowhere; a coma is refered to a a vegetative state - there is minimal brain activity, enough to keep someone alive (sometimes not even that), so how can they speak?

 

Well on the "Glasgow Coma Scale" there are three sections. One section refers to verbal responses, I would put them between 3 and 4 on that section of the scale. That is "Inappropiate Speech" and "Confused Conversation"

 

Though what happens to these people is a mystery to the Farronese...

 

Remove that; it's a bit too much like grandstanding.

 

 

The Bladeborn owns the services of every firstborn male on Farron’s World by virtue of their contract with the world’s people.

 

I wouldn't use the word "owns" personally, it gives the wrong vibe with the rest of the references to that subject.

 

 

Until the onset of the flaw they recruited purely from the nobility,

 

I still don't really get this; the Astartes are not elitest, so they wouldn't care about the birth of an aspirant - only his genetic compatibility.

 

Partly it would be practical rather than just elitist beliefs, after all the nobles are better fed, healthier etc. But yes, they are a bit elitist. Most Astartes may not be elitist, and overall it might not make sense. But these are still humans of a sort. The Imperium is full of elitists. And in this feudal society, the nobles are charged with providing protection for their subjects, which they continue to do. Course things have changed since they discovered they needed more recruits.

 

Every Terran year..

 

But it isn't Terra...?

 

Fair point, I picked that out of the air because there needed to be regular "offering" of children, and I wanted it to be somthing that readers could think "right thats how old they'd be and often it'd happen." Perhaps I'll change it to every 365 local days.

 

The Bladeborn are equally capable fighting a raiding campaign as they are spearheading a frontal assault upon a citadel. War is approached cold bloodedly. Little emotion is allowed, no mercy shown, only in battle can their anger and hate be released upon the foes of the Emperor. Even then their commanders must remain calm and unaffected, for many of the great failures in Imperial Military history have befallen from a loss of control. The Bladeborn do not intend to be the next example.

 

Feels a bit too much like too many semi-independant thoughts put together.

 

This section was the hardest to write for me, because it didn't really fit into the theme so much. It may need a total overhaul. The trouble is I'm not sure what to write there because I don't want to write just "They are nice and balanced fellows who read the Codex as guidelines on tactics etc."

 

This task falls mostly to the Scouts of the Chapter but also the faster elements of the force, they are given targets such as supply depots, isolated patrols and communications. The enemy are left demoralised, confused and ill supplied.

 

You can't demoralise, confuse or leave an Ork ill supplied; plus I feel you'd have a hard time doing the same to the Eldar (of any stripe). What happens then?

 

In that case they'd have to be flexible and would change their approach. But yes, confusing an ork force would be hard. Given their plan so often boils down to kill the other people.

 

That is pretty much it for now; sorry it's taken so long for me to have a proper look but I've only just had the time while waiting for my girlfriend to text me back - Your lucky in a way, I've been waiting hours, so it gave me time! :rolleyes:

 

 

Okay, thanks for the mega feedback! Now one of the main issues highlighted here is the Combat Doctrine section. Really not sure what to do with that part so I'll have a think on it. Any input people have on it would be great.

 

So the bits that need touching up are...

 

That second paragraph of history needs to be expanded, less cramed in.

 

The Combat Doctrine needs a big overhaul.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Maybe you can explore this elitest attitude then? or at the very least just note that there are reasons they only accepted nobles as trialists.

 

Though, from your explanation surely it makes less sense for the nobles to be transported? I.e. would you not have them undergo the trail of reaching the place to show that that their "softer" upbringing has not made them weak?

 

For Combat Doctrine, something like:

 

The Bladeborn, as befits any Chapter of the Adeptus Astartes, are capable and ready to bring death to the foes of the Emperor in any way that they can; be it through the massed firepower of siege warfare, or through the hard hitting lightning strike that is a planetary assault.

 

The one doctrinal difference that the Bladeborn display is the prediliction for guerilla-style warfare when cirmcumstances allow, even over other methods which may end a conflict sooner. Such a difference comes from the wish of the Chapter to protect its combat capable forces in light of the effect that new aspirants can suffer.

 

Or something...

[Tutteman]

Will do some stuff to make it clear that the nobles aren't all softie spoilt brats. Also I think I will adopt your suggestion for combat doctrine. I'll raed through it again tomorrow and see if there is anything else I'd like to change but yeah. Thanks again :D

[Captain Juan Juarez]

My pleasure.. I live to serve!

[Tutteman]

Okay, been a while but I finally mustered the will to go in and modify. There will be another big gap soon cos I'll be away from internet. But I will return.

 

Thanks everyone