thunder angels

[thetechmarine]

Chapter name: thunder angels

Named for their preference for thunder hammers and the thunderfire cannon

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When and why were they created?

The thunder angels were created late in the 40th melilium to aid those planets that required

A static defence over fast moving strikes forces.

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Homeworld:

Name: grundim 3

Grundim 3 used to be an agri-world, with lush forests spanning the entire landmass.

When the thunder angels landed however, they cleared many miles of forest to build

Their fortress-monastery on the Northern Hemisphere of the planet. A small group of citizens

Rebelled and attacked the monastery in anger but these were quickly executed for heresy.

Since then the relationship between the citizens and thunder angels has been rather

Unstable but the thunder angels have worked to repair it by fortifying and garrisoning

The many cites that dot grundim 3's surface. The thunder angels use the garrisons

To their advantage, scouring each of grundims many cities for potential recruits.

Many of the chapter’s recruits come from a street gang known simply as "the assassins"

In the capital city of hiolex, the chapter taking the gang members that show proficiency for strategy and defence.

Unbeknownst to the inquisition the thunder angels supply hiolex with protection so long as the gang provides them with

Suitable recruits for the chapter and this has improved relations between the people and marines immensely.

This also means the gang helps with defending the city against any invasions, standing shoulder to shoulder with the brother marines.

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Combat doctrine:

The thunder angels differ to the codex astartes, preferring a static defence to high-speed strikes

Not to say they are incapable of it, but the chapter lacks bikes and land speeders in their armoury and have less than 20 rhinos.

But pacts with the Adeptus Mechanicus means they boast many more specialised and heavy weapons and techmarines than many other chapters,

As well as tanks like the predator and vindicator. The chapter doesn't need fast moving squads like bikes to wage war,

Because they have developed other ways to move quickly across the battlefield such as short range teleportation

And low level drops to the middle of a war zone.

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Chapter organisation:

The thunder hammers chapter is split into 10 companies, the 1st company is made up of 10 sternguard veteran squads, masters of short-range firefights.

The 2nd and 3rd companies are attack companies. These are the companies that are sent out to different worlds

To support the defensive lines on beleaguered worlds struck by war.

 

The 4th and 5th companies are defence companies, companies that spend most of their time defending grundim 3 and other nearby worlds.

These two companies are only called out on missions if the situation is dire and the two attack companies are not enough to release a world

From the terrors of war.

 

The 6th, 7th and 8th companies are reserve companies, the 6th is a tactical company, consisting of 10 tactical squads. However each consists of 12 marines

As opposed to the 10 that usually make a squad. The 7th and 8th are devastator companies, consisting of 10 devastator squads. They are the most powerfully

Equipped company in the chapter, each marine trained to fire each heavy weapon available to the chapter.

 

The 9th company is the Scout Company, this is the company every recruit joins before he becomes a full battle-brother and receives power armour.

 

The 10th company is the "armoured" company. It consists of most predator, vindicator and land raider tanks the chapter has as well as many techmarines.

This company is also lead by the chapter’s master of the forge, making sure that the vehicles of the chapter are in working order.

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Beliefs:

The thunder angels believe that the more foes that are beaten at range, the less lives the army have to sacrifice

That’s it for this section for now. I’ll add more later. ^But ^this ^is ^basically ^what ^I'm ^trying ^to ^say

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Geneseed:

The thunder angels have lost all traces of who their primarch is, but they are slowly unearthing clues to his identity.

They will fight even harder if they think it will reveal another clue.

Again that’s it for now (I’m not that good at descriptions) I’ll try to add more lately

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Warcry: i feel a storm brewing, unleash it on the enemy! -Captain’s pre-battle speech

 

The storm is with us! -Devastator while firing

 

Feel the wind of death! -Tactical marine while firing bolter

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thats it for now, i'm unsure about things in red so if you could comment that would be nice.

i'm planning to write rules for my chapter but i would like to see what you think about it first.

[Espada Azul]

First, welcome to Liber Astartes. I hope you know what you're getting into, as we can be a little rough in these parts ahaha.

 

Secondly, always ALWAYS read the Liber Astartes DIY Guide. It saves people a lot of pain beforehand, and quite a bit during the actual critiquing.

 

Some observations after a quick reading:

 

- Executing citizens for, what for them, is a valid complaint? It's not heresy, it's called overkill. Though... it does beg the question how the Chapter views the ordinary citizen of the Imperium. Do they not really care, and view them as collateral damage, ala Marines Malevolent?

- Recruiting from a single gang? Stretching disbelief a bit, as I don't see a simple 'gang' supplying a constant stream of recruits for a Chapter. If there were multiple gangs perhaps, and even then it means that the planet has a sufficiently large population and squalid living conditions. Is the planet a Hive World?

- Related to the above, the Chapter has a pact with a single city, and NOT the whole planet? Really?

- Static defense goes against the purpose why Space Marine Chapters are founded -- as a rapid moving strike force; the modus operandi of a Space Marine Chapter is, in a nutshell, drop into warzone, finish mission objectives, then leave for next warzone (unless it's a massive campaign like the Cadian Gate or Armageddon). Also a present-day Chapter is NOT properly equipped for a long-term or permanent static defense (outside of their Chapter's Fortress-Monastery), and neither do they have the manpower to do so.

- The number of vehicles in your armory does not make any real sense. Even a Flesh Tearers, a DYING Chapter, has more transports than yours. This detail stretches disbelief in many ways.

- Despite what Dawn of War might make you think, personal teleporters are NOT a common occurrence among Space Marine Chapters, and teleportation technology in general is not only unreliable, but viewed by mistrust by a good number of Chapters for good reason. This smacks of 'I have cool stuff!', and needs to be rethought.

- Low level drops? Space Marines are not Elysians with fleets of Valkyries, and for a Battle-Company sized force there's anywhere from just five to seven Thunderhawks seconded from the Armory.

[Shinzaren]

Firstly: Welcome to the Liber, and I hope you find your stay here enjoyable, productive, and profitable. B)

Secondly: Responses are going to fast, harsh, and not held back. Mine is a case in point. Sorry if it appears too harsh.

Third: The Guides and resources that people have taken a lot of time and effort to write are very helpful :) I recommend them immensely.

 

Since then the relationship between the citizens and thunder angels has been rather

Unstable but the thunder angels have worked to repair it by fortifying and garrisoning

The many cites that dot grundim 3's surface.

 

This wouldn't improve relations, if anything this would worsen them, possibly severely. No one wants to see their conquerers stationed at every single city, ready to mete out death and destruction for those that stand against them.

 

Many of the chapter’s recruits come from a street gang known simply as "the assassins"

In the capital city of hiolex, the chapter taking the gang members that show proficiency for strategy and defence.

 

Ok, what? They're gangs, not armies. Strategy and defense? If they all come from the main gang, who are they fighting? This makes no sense.

 

Unbeknownst to the inquisition the thunder angels supply hiolex with protection so long as the gang provides them with

Suitable recruits for the chapter and this has improved relations between the people and marines immensely.

 

Why is this, "Unbeknown to the Inquistion?" Why would they care if they provide protection to one city on one planet. They have much bigger issues to worry about. Leave the Inquisition out. And is this gang a bunch of good guys? Why would regular people want the gangs to prosper? This wouldn't really improve morale either.

 

The thunder angels differ to the codex astartes, preferring a static defence to high-speed strikes

Not to say they are incapable of it, but the chapter lacks bikes and land speeders in their armoury and have less than 20 rhinos.

But pacts with the Adeptus Mechanicus means they boast many more specialised and heavy weapons and techmarines than many other chapters,

As well as tanks like the predator and vindicator. The chapter doesn't need fast moving squads like bikes to wage war,

Because they have developed other ways to move quickly across the battlefield such as short range teleportation

And low level drops to the middle of a war zone.

 

What? Why? Why do they differ from Codex? Why do they prefer defense, to attack? Especially since marines are CREATED to attack and destroy the enemies of man. Why do they lack Bikes and Land Speeders, especially if you are on such good terms with the Adeptus Mechanicus? This doesn't make sense. Why do they have more techmarines? Techmarines are marines with suitable grasp on technology that are then trained. Why does your city have so many tech-adept recruits? Why don't they need fast moving squads? Why would they prefer the risky and fickle teleport, instead of just Thunderhawk, Drop Pods, and Rhinos? This whole paragraph makes little sense to me.

 

Chapter organisation:

The thunder hammers chapter is split into 10 companies, the 1st company is made up of 10 sternguard veteran squads, masters of short-range firefights.

The 2nd and 3rd companies are attack companies. These are the companies that are sent out to different worlds

To support the defensive lines on beleaguered worlds struck by war.

 

So your chapter is NAMED after your preference for Thunder Hammers, but your Veteran company, who would normally be Termies and could use those Thunder Hammers, is instead all Sternguard? Why? What happens to Veterans that prefer melee? They get told to shove off? Marines aren't defensive. They are attackers, who exist to seek and destroy the enemies of man before moving on.

 

The 4th and 5th companies are defence companies, companies that spend most of their time defending grundim 3 and other nearby worlds.

These two companies are only called out on missions if the situation is dire and the two attack companies are not enough to release a world

From the terrors of war.

 

Is your system under such constant attack that you need two whole companies to do nothing but stand around waiting for someone to attack you?

 

The 6th, 7th and 8th companies are reserve companies, the 6th is a tactical company, consisting of 10 tactical squads. However each consists of 12 marines

As opposed to the 10 that usually make a squad. The 7th and 8th are devastator companies, consisting of 10 devastator squads. They are the most powerfully

Equipped company in the chapter, each marine trained to fire each heavy weapon available to the chapter.

 

Why why why? All your deviations from Codex make literally ZERO sense. Why do you have 12 marines? Why are the 7th and 8th Companies all Devastator? Where are your Assault Squads? If this is all based around a good static defense, what happens when a mobile force runs circles around you and wrecks all your guys?

 

The 10th company is the "armoured" company. It consists of most predator, vindicator and land raider tanks the chapter has as well as many techmarines.

This company is also lead by the chapter’s master of the forge, making sure that the vehicles of the chapter are in working order.

 

Nope. These are all roles fulfilled by the ARMOURY. See, it even has armour in the name. The Armoury is a separate entity from the rest of the Chapter, and equipment and men from the Armoury are loaned to each company as required. They are NOT a company, as each company is needed to help fulfill the 1000 marines of the chapter; each company having 100 of them..

 

The thunder angels have lost all traces of who their primarch is, but they are slowly unearthing clues to his identity.

They will fight even harder if they think it will reveal another clue.

 

Where do they find clues? How are is their history lost to them if they are such a new chapter? What purpose does this serve? How much Dawn of War did you play prior to writing this?

 

 

So, I dunno what I can really say. Your use of the Enter Key actually causes me physical pain, lack of Capital letters doesn't help a whole lot either. The whole concept of the chapter and its execution needs work, and you need to be able to justify alot of the stuff you have here. As a concept, it seems to be a rehash of a lot of other sources, without a whole lot of uniqueness and individuality in it. I suffered from this at first too, so you're not alone. Just gotta work on injecting your own flair and ideas.

 

That said, welcome to the Liber, and hopefully we can help you refine your ideas into a great IA!

[Hubernator]

Not so much fluffy help but, here's some colours I did a while ago:

http://i244.photobucket.com/albums/gg17/Hubernator/My%20DIY%20Marines/ThunderAngels.jpg

 

You're welcome :) The other guys above took my points. And welcome to the Liber :)