Grey Legion

[Captain Sylith]

Grey Legion

Grey Legion was founded in the year 108.M41, just before the 12th Black Crusade. Originally named the Blue Hawks, Grey Legion was sent to Gil'than'tel IV on reports there was a Chaos stronghold being created there. The reports were correct and the Blue Hawks were sent in to scourge the traitors. During the fighting, the hordes of chaos were reinforced and out numbered the Blue Hawks 3 to 1. Captain Sylith, the commander on the ground sent out a beacon which was picked up by an Inquisition Black Ship that was in the area, however the beacon's message became garbled in a warp storm which resulted in the Inquisition forces attacking the Blue Hawks, mostly against their will. Eventually the mistake was corrected, after many deaths, but before the forces of the Imperium could leave the area, the warp storm enveloped the world and trapped the warriors on the planet.

As time went on, both forces of warriors eventually merged to become the Grey Legion.

Homeworld

The original homeworld of the Blue Hawks was called Delroth, however with their disappearance, the world has been converted to other uses. Because they are now stuck on Gil'than'tel IV, they have made the best of it and turned it into a fortress world using the resources on the Inquisitional Black Ship.

The world itself is a harsh world, covered mostly in mountain ranges. There are small parts of the planet that are covered in flat plains, but these are mostly desert and uninhabitable. These desert plains are also invested with tyrranids who burrow under the surface and make their homes in a complex underground tunnel system. Because the ttyrnnids are unable or unwilling to tunnel into the mountainous regions of the planet, Grey Legion forces have largely made their fortresses straight on the bare rock of the many mountains in the area.

There are two suns, one green and one orange. The orange sun, which is larger than the blue is named Talar with the smaller blue sun being called Rith. Traveling around Gil'than'tel IV is largly done via landspeeder and other craft that use anti-gravity mechanisms, due to the very harsh environment.

Every few years, the warp storm surrounding the planet creates large weather anomalies and very strong winds kick up the sand on the desert plains creating a sand storm that covers the planet. In these times, only travel in full armor is possible and even then not risked unless there is great need. Grey Legion use this time, (usually 6-10 months) to travel underground and thin out the horde of Tyranids in their underground tunnels.

Doctrine

The doctrine of Grey Legion is one of close brotherhood. This came about as a large majority of the forces who were originally Grey Knights are telepathic, and so can communicate at the speed of thought. This has largely done away with combat communications of more normal means. Another result of this strange communication is a fighting force that reacts as one and seems to be of one mind.

Beliefs

Grey Legion traditions are very centred on their eventual release from the warp storm, as well as the battle that pulled them together as Grey Legion.

Geneseed

++ Record Deleted ++

Battlecry

Today is a good day to die for the Emperor!

Armor Color Schemes

http://www.grey-legion.com/personal/spacemarine.jpghttp://www.grey-legion.com/personal/terminator.jpg

Chapter Logo

http://www.grey-legion.com/personal/chapter-logo-small.jpg

Company Banner

http://www.grey-legion.com/personal/chapter-banner-v2.jpg

Chapter History

Smoke filled the battlefield as the two armies clashed over and over, seemingly without end. Captain Sylith assessed the scene with a practised eye. His space marine enhanced vision made it an easy chore. His battle brother and friend of 87 years grumbled, 'This is a lost cause and we are in dire need of reinforcements.' Captain Sylith knew that Otal Al'thr was not one to give up easily, regardless of his words. He thought back to the time his life was saved by his long time companion. In that battle they were surrounded by orks. Many of the imperial guard conscripts under his charge had quit the field to his disgust. All but Otal that is. 3 days and nights him, Otal and 3 other brothers fought in bitter hand to hand combat. Both Otal and himself were saved many times by their terminator armor, but at a cost. The armor on both warriors was damaged severely. Otal's left leg was now healed over thanks to his super human healing abilities but the armor was torn away, exposing it to further attack. All it would take was a direct hit, and even his awesome healing abilities wouldn't save the leg.

Suddenly, a massive ork charged the group hoping to accomplish a blitz attack and finish the space marines once and for all and gain glory in his clan. Captain Sylith was directly exposed to the ork's charge, it's massive power klaw snapping at his head. Barely dodging the ferocious attack, Captain Sylith armor exoskeleton failed him and he accidentally tripped over and fell into a mortar ditch that happened to be behind him. Cursing his ill luck the captain started to get up, but too late, as the ork saw his opportunity and all but dived after the Captain a massive sword held over its head with both hands. The captains head would have been split in two had it not been for faithful Otal. Risking life and limb, Otal threw his chainsword at the ork, hitting it in the head and killing it instantly, green blood and brain matter splattering the destroyed concrete. However, this act of bravery would not go unpunished, as a cowardly gretchen attacked him from behind and severed his exposed leg with a well placed swipe of his crude sword. Both victim and attacker went down in a heap and with quick thinking Otal managed to stab his thumbs into the gretchen's eyes, piercing its brain before it could attack further, the blood squirting from the severed leg ignored. By this time the Captain had recovered and called his remaining brothers to the aid of Otal. For the remainder of the day, all four of them stood over Otal's body and slew ork after ork. Even Otal killed a few enemies from the ground with the aforementioned chainsword. Eventually as the two green suns of the planet started to hit the horizion, the four warriors were saved by reinforcements.

Captain Sylith was brought back to the present with a huge explosion to his left. The enemy were getting ever closer to his position. Soon the battle would be joined, but no quite yet. He turned to his second and shouted, 'Send the drone for reinforcements.' The second set off towards the command center to carry out the order, mud chunks flying behind him as he ran. Otal said, 'It will be a miracle if that drone reaches anyone in time.' Captain Sylith was silent for a second, 'Then we will fight for the emperor until death and meet our lost brothers in the sky if that is what the emperor wishes. It will be a cold day in hell when i let even one of these cursed traitors live while i still have breath in my body.' Otal only smiled in reply. It was the smile of one that is dammed to death and dares to laugh in its face.

In the command center, the second was finishing off the message and preparing the drone to launch. A thud shook the command center and the drone speed off with a trail of smoke. The second sent a quick prayer to the emperor and ran back to the raging battle.

The Twisted Fate of Chaos

Weather though fortune, fate or the twisted agenda of Chaos, the drone containing the precious message was sucked into a warp storm close to the planet. The storm spat the drone out the other side and straight towards an imperial ship travelling in the sector. Badly damaged, it was still transmitting and so the ship tractor beamed it into it's hold. The techpriest on duty read the message and immediately sent an acolyte to the captain with the drones contents.

Inquisitor Faltho read the message with trepidation after having been briefed by the acolyte as to the drones contents and travel path. 'Either it is a trick from chaos, or it is a heresy that required attention' he thought to himself. He read the message again,

--Reinforcements required in sector 482732953-e planet Orthos V. The forces of chaos have overrun -- UNSALVAGEABLE -- Blue Hawks. Respond with extreme prejudice.

He sat back in his chair and thought, 'If the emperors own warriors have succumbed to heresy, then it is my duty to take care of it, trap or not. The inquisitor had one of the biggest forces available to all but the most powerful of inquisitors. Some said, but never to his face, that the acquired force was above his station. However, Faltho took great pleasure in commandeering troops form all over the Imperium. Everything from a battalion of space marines to tanks to some of the most sacred special weapons from around the Imperium. His most prized acquisition being an ancient dreadnought. He made many enemies that day as he took the dreadnought from the self-righteous Dark Angels. Little did they realise that he was entitled to whatever he wished. He drove that point home when he ordered the planet exterminous.

Suddenly decisive, the Inquisitor ordered the Astropath to make a course to the stricken planet. The traitors would be smashed under the foot of the inquisitor and all the glory would be his.

Blood and Tears of the Honourable

Captain Sylith saw the drop pods falling from the sky and blessed the emperor's name. Already drop pods were raining down through the atmosphere and hitting the ground with soft thuds. The Captain predicted the reinforcements would be here within a few hours. It had been several months since the drone had been sent and even the captain had started to loose hope that any help would be coming. He ordered his new second, the previous one being blasted to bits by a rocket several weeks ago, to spread the word, not that it was needed. Anyone with eyes could see the drop pods like steal rain dropping to the earth.

Anxious for the reinforcements to arrive so as to avoid any more unnecessary losses to his command, the captain sent a scout to see how far away they were. Soon after, the scout came running back with worrisome news. He had witnessed one of the brothers being shot with a boltgun coming from the direction of the reinforcements. As soon as he had delivered his report, several explosions detonated too close to comfort. The captain could see the reinforcements joining in battle with his forces. Now that they were closer, he could see that they were the fabled Grey Knights of the Inquisition. Theorising that this was a trick of chaos, and that the reinforcements were in fact for the forces of chaos that they had been fighting for months now, Captain sylith sent orders to meet the threat with the little forces he had left cursing himself for stupidity that had already cost many lives.

Inquisitor Faltho smiled to himself. Soon the evil chaos hordes would be dealt with and he could be on his way back to the pleasure planet he was heading to before this unpleasantness. Assessing the battlefield, it seemed that the forces of chaos were in fact fighting each other. Reasoning that these were the Khorne berserkers he had studied he disregarded it. He did not even consider where the drone message had come from nor how the drone had Imperial access codes.

The inquisitor turned to his fellow in arms, Inquisitor Torh. 'It seems that we will soon be finished here.' Inquisitor Faltho said smugly. Inquisitor Torh hated the fool Faltho and with barely disguised contempt replied in short, clipped words, 'It would seem so.' But Inquisitor Torh felt something was wrong here. The enemy had not disfigured their armor as was common with traitors, nor was it in disrepair as was usual for a chaos force. It was also the usual practice of chaos hordes to remove all symbols of what they considered to be the false emperor. This however was not the case with these, these... whoever they were. He continued to ponder this as the battle continued.

The groups of grey knights further down the line however, knew exactly who the warriors in blue armor were, and waited tensely and with great trepidation for the false hope of an order to stand down lest they be forced to attack their blood brothers of a thousand battles, the Blue Hawks.

Infestation

Plague Lord Ralthros chuckled to himself. The battle was going according to plan and soon this world would be the realm of Nurgle completely. Chaos was eternal and all would be crushed in its might. Ralthros coughed and spluttered, an occurrence not uncommon with the followers of Nurgle, but what happened next was very unusual. He looked down to his bloated stomach where suddenly there was an overwhelming pain. Having these kind of pains before as his body transformed to resemble his god, he only considered in an inconvenience and interruption to watching the battle. Suddenly and without warning his gut exploded all over his companions, and a creature covered in black bile fell out of the remains the now dead carcass toppled backward. The monstrosity unfurled itself and soon an alien with sharp claws for hands stretched out and screamed at the sky. All around, guts were exploding as marine after marine fell to the same phenomenon. Those few marines that did not fall were soon consumed by the horde of monsters as the chittering mass stabbed the foul followers of Nurgle into bloody pulps pausing only to devour the remains. The chaos front collapsed to be replaced by a new threat for the Blue Hawks, that of the dreaded Tyranids. However, Blue Hawk marines were not so easily swayed by such events and continued fighting the new threat with equal vigour.

Oblivious to the goings on at the front, Inquisitor Faltho continued to watch the battle between his forces and the blue hawks unfold. Under his feet, he could hear a rumbling. Thinking that is was artillery firing he ignored it. Inquisitor Torh however, not quite knowing what was about to happen, but sure the rumbling was not anything natural, dove out the way. If he was wrong, he could face his peers later, but as it happened he was not wrong. The ground erupted upward, right where he had been standing seconds before. Two giant wicked looking things that could only be described as massive bone swords attached to massive arms unfurled and stabbed Inquisitor Faltho right through the back and leg with lightening speed. He screamed at the top of his lungs as deadly toxins were pumped into his body. His screams were cut short however when the claws ripped him apart, leaving a bloody mess of armor and flesh on the ground. Not fazed in the slightest, Inquisitor Torh, who had seen more horrors than he could count, took command and ordered his troops to stop fighting the 'chaos' marines and start fighting the new enemy behind their lines. With a grim expression, he drew his power sword and charged the horror before him that towered several feet over the humans.

A Forging Alliance

Captain Sylith could scarce believe his eyes. Everywhere before him, his enemies were exploding in a bloody mess, consumed by an alien force he thought he would never see again after the campaign of the Al'ber system. A scout ran up to him and breathlessly reported, 'The enemy forces on our rear have broken off and are fighting the aliens that have appeared in their ranks.' Having overheard the report, Otal said, 'Let us take the change then and fight the new threat with our newly forged allies.' Agreeing the Captain ordered the commanders to take defensive positions and attack the aliens.

As the battle continued, the lines between the Blue Hawks and the grey knights were soon blurred. It wasn't long before both forces were fighting side by side as brothers. With the fighting running hot, both forces were hard pressed to defend against the alien threat, but defend they did and eventually the tide started to turn and the alien horde was repelled. As they would soon find out however, the threat had only just begun.

A small squad of grey knight warriors who knew Captain Sylith personally, and had been saved by him on more than one occasion spied him out in the fighting and started working themselves towards him to make sure he didn't fall in the fighting. As then reached him, they formed a ring around the fabled warrior and fought with all their might. So great was the strain on the grey knight ring, that they started to communicate with each other telepathically. To onlookers it seemed they were guided by the emperor himself, so quick were they to defend each other in the fighting.

At the last few aliens were taken care of, Inquisitor Torh took an honour guard and set off towards the command group of the opposing army. Reaching Captain Sylith, he used command codes that only a space marine commander of the last few hundred years would know. As Captain Sylith easily gave the correct answers, both commanders were at ease. They spend the next few minutes sorting out the details of what had happened and how the miscommunication had caused brother to fight brother. Both commanders satisfied, they turned to getting their forces in order and sent out scouts to access the damage done. As the mess was cleaned up and dead were stripped of their gene seeds a great feast was held in remembrance of the lost and those that had once been enemies created a common bond, loss of their brothers. This would be the beginning of a new hope for the bedraggled warriors.

Those four companions that were protecting the captain had something strange happen to them. They noticed that after the fighting the mind link they had between them could not be severed. They reasoned that it had something to do with the warp storm they could sense in the sky. They discussed the ramifications of the anomaly and as fast as thought came to the conclusion that this could only be a good thing when fighting together. As one, they approached the captain and were the first ones to dedicate themselves to his cause. Shocked, the captain accepted the offer before really considering it, but what was done was done and the ramifications would be dealt with in good time.

Throughout the fighting, the warp storm that took the drone to it's destination had spread and now circled the planet, cutting off any escape. Once the forces found this out, they were disheartened, as they knew that the storm could last years, decades, centuries or even forever.

Inquisitor Toth ordered that the battle fleet that was circling the planet to land. Supplies and people were unloaded from the ships and put to work creating the things that the warriors would need to survive in the future.

The Shame of Ages

The grey knights who fought in the battle were greatly shamed by the actions of their former leader and the resulting deaths of thousands of battle brothers in the Blue Eagles. In the past, the grey knights had a very good working relationship with the blue eagles, fighting many battles for the emperor. To the grey knights, the blue eagles were without question some of the most dedicated fighters the emperor of man had at his disposal. To say that the blue eagles were heretical was like saying that the emperor himself was a greater daemon from the warp. And so it was that when the grey knights were ordered to fight the blue eagles and by a inquisitor let alone one that was less than competent, they were less than pleased. However their duty was their duty and so they followed their orders, killed their brothers and put their shame to one side. As they were fighting, many had tears in their eyes, and many even went so far as to die on purpose either by allowing blue eagles fighters to wound them on purpose in hand to hand combat, or throw themselves into the thick of the fighting all but committing suicide.

When the two forces joined together and fought the tyranid threat, many of the grey knights threw their lives away to protect blue eagle warriors in threat in an effort to atone for their sins. After the fighting, the grey knight warriors were visibly ashamed of their actions, the fact that they were ordered to do so was irrelevant to them. As time went on, more and more of the grey knight fighters went into the wilderness, never to return. Some however did and spoke of monstrous aliens they had fought, most of the battles were awe inspiring feats, the returning warriors uncaring of their lives. Those that came back or who did not leave for what became known as the path of sins always ended up swearing an oath to captain sylith to serve the emperor first and captain sylith second, effectively becoming captain sylith's bondsmen. Those that heard of the oath of the protectors of sylith took their lead and also tried to dedicate themselves to the captain. At first the captain sent them away to the inquisitor saying that they could not give up their oath they made when they became a grey knight in an attempt to curb the behaviour. Almost always, the warriors in question left on the path of sins the next day. After five or ten of these instances, the captain approached Inquisitor Torh about the problem and they came to the conclusion that the service should be accepted, at least until the warp storm was lifted.

Eventually, all the grey knights that had not perished on the path of sins had devoted their lives to Captain Sylith. This made the captain the effective leader of all forces on the planet. In truth, this made the inquisitors and the captains job of keeping the troops alive whilst stuck on the planet much easier, as they did not have to deal with coordinating two forces when threats surfaced. Even though the inquisitor technically out ranked the captain, he assented his power to the captain, recognising his superior battle tactics and considering that what was needed most at this point in time, he felt it to be the right decision. Instead, the inquisitor took control of the day to day running of the planet. Being a blackship commander for the majority of his service, the inquisitor was not one to lead with his ego and running the planet as governor was much more suiting to his skills.

Because the battle of blood and tears was such an epic battle, and as time went on, the feats performed in that battle became more and more heroic, the fighting force created some traditions to commemorate and remember that fateful day. Firstly, those warriors that protected the captain throughout the fighting were given a formal rank, protectorate of the grey legion. They became the personal guards of Captain Sylith and fought by his side in all battles from then onwards. They decided to take a vow of silence, as by this time they were so attuned to each other via the telepathic link, that they no longer required speech to fulfil their duties. All the warriors grew their hair out and braided it in a warriors tail that was allowed be displayed outside their armor. One strand to represent the blue hawks, one for the inquisitors and one for the emperor himself. In addition, they adopted a new name, the Grey Legion. To commemorate this, they changed their armor color to a mixture of the blue hawks blue and the grey knight grey. Because the blue hawks had a far larger stockpile of spare armor, the force adopted the hawk symbol as the main symbol of what was now considered for all intents and purposes a newly forged space marine chapter.

A New Beginning, An Old Threat

The battle fleet commanded by Inquisitor Toth soon became the chapter house of grey legion. As time went on, the ships became part of the scenery and were expanded to the point that they no longer looked like ships, but more like the citadels on so many worlds across the Imperium. The planet was explored by the smaller ships grey legion had kept in service. It was found that there was in fact a small human community on the other side of the planet. Only a few hundred strong, the humans were very resilient. Over the next few months, grey legion accessed them to see if they were strong enough for service within grey legion. Unbelievably, the warriors held their own against the tyranid threat with basic stone weapons. It was decided that the warriors would continued to be watched and the best warriors produced would be chosen for service within grey legion. However, this pool only creates one or two warriors per year for the grey legion and is by no means out numbering their losses to the alien threat.

To this day, the Grey Legion fight the alien threat on the planet they have called home for seven centuries now. But the aliens are not the only threat that Grey Legion must deal with. There are also frequent incursions from hordes of chaos, drawn to the area by the warp storm. Horrible daemons, aliens and vile traitors of every kind assault the planet and each year Grey Legion's numbers grow fewer. As their numbers dwindle, they grow every more hopeful that the storm will dissipate and they will be able to leave.

[Espada Azul]

First off, welcome to Liber Astartes. May your stay be a fruitful one.

 

Secondly, do take a look at the very useful DIY Liber Astartes Guide. It will save you a lot of anger and heartbreak.

 

Thirdly this reads less like an Index Astartes entry, and more like a full-blown short story. Are you sure this doesn't belong in the fiction section insead?

 

Casual commentary to follow.

[raptor1199]

is that GDI logo?

[Captain Sylith]

is that GDI logo?

 

Sure is :)

[Iron Father Ferrum]

I didn't read the whole thing -- like Espada said, this is fiction not an IA -- but I have to say that there was a line in there about GREY KNIGHTS being saved by regular Marines. That. . . does not compute.

[Captain Sylith]

I didn't read the whole thing -- like Espada said, this is fiction not an IA -- but I have to say that there was a line in there about GREY KNIGHTS being saved by regular Marines. That. . . does not compute.

 

You will have to point out where it says that, cause i don't recall writing anything like that.

 

EDIT: I've edited the OP to come more inline with an IA.

[Phlegon]

Love the use of the GDI logo, and I am totally diggin the color scheme!

[raptor1199]

is that GDI logo?

 

Sure is :D

 

death to GDI!

peace througth power!

 

:P

[Captain Sylith]

is that GDI logo?

 

Sure is :rolleyes:

 

death to GDI!

peace througth power!

 

:teehee:

 

Heresy!

[Kristoff]

is that GDI logo?

 

Sure is B)

 

death to GDI!

peace througth power!

 

^_^

 

Heresy!

 

So when are we going to see a NOD IA, or is that the Red Scorpions?

[Espada Azul]

I'm sorry for the wait. Real life has intervened, but now for the comments I promised earlier, as some of the more notable (or critical) Liberites seem to be busy.

 

In the words of a great man, "GRIT YOUR TEETH!"

 

*snips Introductory information*

 

This section has several issues. First off the Black Ships do not serve the Inquisition, and if anything they are under the jurisdiction of the Adeptus Astra Telephatica because the primary purpose of a Black Ship is to ferry psykers to Terra for screening. Although it is assumed that there is a force on hand to deal with threats, it is at most just a handful of Sisters of Silence plus the security ratings one would expect of a starship of a Black Ship's size. So, no, they are in NO way able to aid in a conflict that a Chapter of Astartes has difficulty winning.

 

It would be more believable to say that a squad or so of Grey Knights, on a fast strike vessel like a Cobra or Firestorm Frigate, were able to receive the astropathic call for help, but (assuming any survived) they would go on to the next mission, and NOT stay on and merge with the survivors of another Chapter. Plus a Chapter's name is also a mirror of their identity; it would take an EXTREME circumstance for them to even consider changing it (re: Astral Claws to Red Corsairs).

 

Also how can your Chapter get 'stuck' on a planet. Even the most headstrong Chapter Master would not throw ALL elements of his Chapter's fleet into an engagement where there is a chance his ships would get annihilated, leaving the ground forces cut off from any back up. Please rethink this as well.

 

The original homeworld of the Blue Hawks was called Delroth, however with their disappearance, the world has been converted to other uses.

 

I'm sorry, but this doesn't make any sense. A Chapter's Homeworld will always remain its homeworld, regardless of their presence there or not -- just look at the Novamarines or Flesh Tearers.

 

These desert plains are also invested with tyrranids who burrow under the surface and make their homes in a complex underground tunnel system.

 

I'm sorry, not only was there a Chaos outbreak, there are also TYRANIDS infesting the planet? This beggars disbelief -- the planet should have been declared Perdita (and hit with virus bombs, cyclonic torpedoes, and all the nasty stuff at a Chapter fleet's disposal) the moment Chaos' presence there went critical, but we're also supposed to believe that, for some reason, everything on it hasn't been EATEN already by the Tyranids, or the hive fleet tendril that would EVENTUALLY make its way there? Or are we talking about two different planets here? Your wording is not clear, at all.

 

*snips background short story*

 

Again this is more of a short story than a record of an important event in the Chapter's history. And a lot of the stuff used do not work.

 

Rethink, and rewrite.

[Captain Sylith]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

This section has several issues. First off the Black Ships do not serve the Inquisition, and if anything they are under the jurisdiction of the Adeptus Astra Telephatica because the primary purpose of a Black Ship is to ferry psykers to Terra for screening. Although it is assumed that there is a force on hand to deal with threats, it is at most just a handful of Sisters of Silence plus the security ratings one would expect of a starship of a Black Ship's size. So, no, they are in NO way able to aid in a conflict that a Chapter of Astartes has difficulty winning.

 

It would be more believable to say that a squad or so of Grey Knights, on a fast strike vessel like a Cobra or Firestorm Frigate, were able to receive the astropathic call for help, but (assuming any survived) they would go on to the next mission, and NOT stay on and merge with the survivors of another Chapter.......

 

I'll probably change the black ship to something else then. I would like to point out that Inquisitors do travel on black ships however. An important note is that the message was not sent via astropath, but by droid. The astropath died early in the fighting, (which isn't shown here but will be added). Also, the grey knights could not leave. They were stuck just like everyone else when the fighting finished. They were ordered to fight an enemy they did not want to, and then forced to fight an enemy that almost overwhelmed them. In both instances it was out of their control.

 

Plus a Chapter's name is also a mirror of their identity; it would take an EXTREME circumstance for them to even consider changing it (re: Astral Claws to Red Corsairs).

 

You mean like getting stuck on a planet for centuries? Good enough for me. :D

 

Also how can your Chapter get 'stuck' on a planet. Even the most headstrong Chapter Master would not throw ALL elements of his Chapter's fleet into an engagement where there is a chance his ships would get annihilated, leaving the ground forces cut off from any back up. Please rethink this as well.

 

Ever heard of the tau? The tau are much more technologically advanced than the Imperium, yet they were stuck on their planet for centuries.

 

When the chapter turned up to the planet, there was no hint of a storm anywhere. As the fighting progressed, and the chapter was slowly being cut to ribbons by a force 3 times the size of them, it could be reasoned that they were probably not checking for warp storms, let alone one that would cover the entire planet. The fighting was going on for many years, and the chapter created a base of operations there. It would stand to reason that only bombardment would be required from his ships, and even then there could be many reasons not to do so. As for the inquisitor landing on the planet, he was an incompetent and didn't consider that the warp storm would leave them stranded. I'll try and make this clearer.

 

I'm sorry, but this doesn't make any sense. A Chapter's Homeworld will always remain its homeworld, regardless of their presence there or not -- just look at the Novamarines or Flesh Tearers.

 

The reasoning im using is that after several centuries of disuse, the homeworld is put to better uses. There could be several reasons for this, eg that the chapter is presumed to have gone traitor, that records were lost regarding what the world was for, that some heavy weight administrators came along, saw a disused planet and took it for themselves. ect ect ect.

 

Also, i don't really like this reasoning that because something has never happened, that means it never will. It's not like i'm writing about girl marines or that the space marines decided to take the way peace and stop fighting.

 

I'm sorry, not only was there a Chaos outbreak, there are also TYRANIDS infesting the planet? This beggars disbelief -- the planet should have been declared Perdita (and hit with virus bombs, cyclonic torpedoes, and all the nasty stuff at a Chapter fleet's disposal) the moment Chaos' presence there went critical, but we're also supposed to believe that, for some reason, everything on it hasn't been EATEN already by the Tyranids, or the hive fleet tendril that would EVENTUALLY make its way there? Or are we talking about two different planets here? Your wording is not clear, at all.

 

The planet is close to the warp. It would stand to reason that there are undesirables on it. Also, the tryanids were brought to the planet by the nurgle marines who were implanted with the aliens somewhere else.

 

As for being declared Perdita, just about every world in the entire Imperium that had a major battle on it could have had the same treatment except maybe mars or terra. Whilst many do, there are also many other stories where there is not.

 

Some points:

 

- The original inquisitor was an idiot that was only looking for stuff that would make him look good. Killing a planet of traitors in bitter hand to hand combat would get him the glory he desires.

- The beacon was answered by an extreme accident, (ill probably try and make this clearer in the history), by one ship that was captained by an idiot who decided not to call for backup.

 

Again this is more of a short story than a record of an important event in the Chapter's history. And a lot of the stuff used do not work.

 

Ok, if that's how you feel, don't read the history story and focus on the other parts. Don't really see anything wrong with having a chapter history for added fluff.

 

Thanks again for the feedback. It will help me tie up some plot holes i missed.

[Espada Azul]

Ok, if that's how you feel, don't read the history story and focus on the other parts. Don't really see anything wrong with having a chapter history for added fluff.

 

I don't have problem with lore to add 'character' to a Chapter, but your long and rambling section doesn't even do that. It also goes against the expectations of an Index Astartes article -- a short and concise snapshot of a Chapter and what makes it 'characterful' when compared to everyone else. Indeed, most of the official GW-produced IAs are around 2000-3500-ish words long, but they give you most of what you need to know about the Chapter being described.

 

Now I'm one of those long-winded folk who LIKE to ramble (my own IA, linked below, is a bloated 6000-word monster, but all attempts of having it replaced with a 3000-word revision hasn't worked out for some reason), but even I've learned that, in IAs, shorter and tightly-focused articles are much better than longer ones. Compare your submission to the excellent write-up of the Warriors Eternal, and you'll see what I mean.

 

As for the other contested points, I'm still waiting for some of the Liber veterans to drop in, as they'll probably enunciate better the issues I've noted.

[Ace Debonair]

Plus a Chapter's name is also a mirror of their identity; it would take an EXTREME circumstance for them to even consider changing it (re: Astral Claws to Red Corsairs).

 

You mean like getting stuck on a planet for centuries? Good enough for me. :D

 

Nope. People (or people's chapters, rather) sometimes fight crusades in small areas of space (or maybe even on the one planet) for centuries. They don't change often their name part-way through it.

 

 

Ever heard of the tau? The tau are much more technologically advanced than the Imperium, yet they were stuck on their planet for centuries.

 

Ever heard that Chapter Masters are the best of the best, and that's amongst space marines? They have literally hundreds of years of both strategic and tactical experience. It's unlikely he would send the entire chapter in. Aside from the risks of something like this happening, remember how dangerously, near-absurdly powerful space marines are. A company is usually enough to sort out plant-scale conflicts, for instance.

 

And how come none of his librarians noticed the warp storm brewing? :P

 

3-to-1 odds aren't really such a big deal, as a sidenote. Rather than trying to work out the numbers, just say the Blue Hawks/Grey Legion were grossly outnumbered.

This came about as a large majority of the forces who were originally Grey Knights are telepathic, and so can communicate at the speed of thought. This has largely done away with combat communications of more normal means.

 

Grey Knights. In your chapter. :ermm:

The words 'no, just no' come to mind.

 

And since the non-grey-knights couldn't communicate telepathically, your idea here falls flat.

Although even without the GK (which you really ought to lose) you could have them develop a very rapid, precise sign language for quick, seemingly telepathic communication.

 

Also, i don't really like this reasoning that because something has never happened, that means it never will. It's not like i'm writing about girl marines or that the space marines decided to take the way peace and stop fighting.

But you are writing about a chapter that has absorbed an inquisitor and grey knights into it's ranks.

That's pretty much as bad.

 

Ok, if that's how you feel, don't read the history story and focus on the other parts. Don't really see anything wrong with having a chapter history for added fluff.

 

It's responses like this and your "Ever heard of the tau?" bit that get on my wick. :lol: Espada has give you nothing but good advice. While of course you can freely ignore it, it's not worth taking offence over.

 

I only scanned the first bit of your history story, to be honest, stopping once I realised it was a story rather than part of the IA-overview. You should probably put this bit in the short stories section, and maybe add a link to it at the end of your IA, and/or you can stick your favourite bit in a sidebar, maybe.

 

You've certainly got the imagination, and your writing is pretty solid. With a bit of work (I'm yet to see an IA that nails it on the first try) this could be something pretty cool. You just need to re-direct the creativity - try and give these guys some personality and character of their own instead of just adding grey knights and stuff.

 

Good luck, and happy writing!

[Captain Sylith]

Nope. People (or people's chapters, rather) sometimes fight crusades in small areas of space (or maybe even on the one planet) for centuries. They don't change often their name part-way through it.

 

That's true, but most of the time when that is happening, there is a way to get out of the conflict or situation. In this case there is not.

 

Ever heard that Chapter Masters are the best of the best, and that's amongst space marines? They have literally hundreds of years of both strategic and tactical experience. It's unlikely he would send the entire chapter in. Aside from the risks of something like this happening, remember how dangerously, near-absurdly powerful space marines are. A company is usually enough to sort out plant-scale conflicts, for instance.

 

I'll be making the treat large enough that an entire chapter is sent in. Something like the planet is a very important strategic point that under no circumstances can be lost, because for example it my lead directly to an invasion of terra or something along those lines.

 

 

And how come none of his librarians noticed the warp storm brewing? :D

 

There are none.

 

3-to-1 odds aren't really such a big deal, as a sidenote. Rather than trying to work out the numbers, just say the Blue Hawks/Grey Legion were grossly outnumbered.

 

I'll change that.

 

Grey Knights. In your chapter. :lol:

The words 'no, just no' come to mind.

 

The whole reason that i created this chapter at all is because i wanted to include Grey Knights into a regular force. I may have to read some fluff on the grey knights and see where i can make this more viable, as it seems to be a sticking point for many people.

 

And since the non-grey-knights couldn't communicate telepathically, your idea here falls flat.

Although even without the GK (which you really ought to lose) you could have them develop a very rapid, precise sign language for quick, seemingly telepathic communication.

 

I will try and cover that base somehow.

 

But you are writing about a chapter that has absorbed an inquisitor and grey knights into it's ranks.

That's pretty much as bad.

 

All i can say to that is read the fluff and you might change your mind.

 

It's responses like this and your "Ever heard of the tau?" bit that get on my wick. :D Espada has give you nothing but good advice. While of course you can freely ignore it, it's not worth taking offence over.

 

There was no offence taken, it was just a comment made. I thanked him several times for his feedback. I would also like to think that he can defend himself if he so pleases, and doesn't need white knights to do it for him. Again just a statement of fact with no ill intention.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

[Espada Azul]

There was no offence taken, it was just a comment made. I thanked him several times for his feedback. I would also like to think that he can defend himself if he so pleases, and doesn't need white knights to do it for him. Again just a statement of fact with no ill intention.

 

Well that and I'm not exactly the most articulate member of the Liber area. :lol: That's why I usually defer to older or more established folk like Ferrata or Octavulg for in-depth criticism (or because their posts make more sense at first glance). Grey Hunter Ydalir, Ace Debonair, Strike-Captain Lysimachus, Brother-Captain Alecto, and myself are all Liber contemporaries though, so it won't be TOO surprising for some of them to pop up in a post one of us critiqued.

 

I'll be making the treat large enough that an entire chapter is sent in. Something like the planet is a very important strategic point that under no circumstances can be lost, because for example it my lead directly to an invasion of terra or something along those lines.

 

The problem is, when you frame the conflict that way it makes the Chapter Master less ingenious and more idiotic -- this is something that could NOT be stopped by a single Chapter, but at the very least a Crusade on the scale of Medusa-V. A direct threat to Terra? Really? I don't see anything on the scale of the Armageddon War, or the 13th Black Crusade sir.

 

 

There are none.

 

I sure hope you have a good explanation on why a Chapter, even a YOUNG Chapter, has a lack of battlefield-ready Librarians. What are you, Black Templars?

 

 

The whole reason that i created this chapter at all is because i wanted to include Grey Knights into a regular force. I may have to read some fluff on the grey knights and see where i can make this more viable, as it seems to be a sticking point for many people.

 

You can still include Grey Knights in your games, as I assume many friendly gamers would let you use Allies. Grey Knights as PART of your Chapter will raise a lot of eyebrows however. Couldn't you just have a sort of Blood Raven or Exorcist-like relationship with the Ordo Malleus instead (where are squad of Grey Knights are seconded for a specific tenure as a part of an alliance or debt)?

[Shinzaren]

I'm going to ignore most of the other posts here and do a section by section. I will probably be rehashing issues that Espada and Ace both raised, so apologies on that.

 

Grey Legion was founded in the year 108.M41, just before the 12th Black Crusade. Originally named the Blue Hawks, Grey Legion was sent to Gil'than'tel IV on reports there was a Chaos stronghold being created there. The reports were correct and the Blue Hawks were sent in to scourge the traitors. During the fighting, the hordes of chaos were reinforced and out numbered the Blue Hawks 3 to 1. Captain Sylith, the commander on the ground sent out a beacon which was picked up by an Inquisition Black Ship that was in the area, however the beacon's message became garbled in a warp storm which resulted in the Inquisition forces attacking the Blue Hawks, mostly against their will. Eventually the mistake was corrected, after many deaths, but before the forces of the Imperium could leave the area, the warp storm enveloped the world and trapped the warriors on the planet.

 

 

As time went on, both forces of warriors eventually merged to become the Grey Legion

 

Generally you want to avoid using the word Legion in the name of a chapter as it conjures of images of the Pre-Heresy marines and their fate. Not a huge issue, just something I noticed. Scourge should be changed to scour perhaps? 3 to 1 odds aren't all that much, especially to superhuman space marines. Perhaps change to largely/vastly outnumbered? Black Ships are basically prison ships... Which leads to three major questions:

 

1.) What is on this ship capable of fighting Space Marines? The =][= isn't going to unleash its captured psykers.

2.) Why would the Black Ship respond to the garbled call? They likely wouldn't respond at all, except to perhaps forward the message to someone else more capable of handling the issues.

3.) Why did the Inquistion attack the Blue Hawks, and how did they possibly stop the fighting once so much blood had been shed. The Astartes, by their very nature, eliminate all threats. Once they had been fired upon, it would take nothing shy of the Emperor intervening for them to agree to any talks which might produce peace. It's not their way.

 

You can't merge a Black Ship and its occupants, all of whom are psykers or guards, with Space Marines. It doesn't make sense, it doesn't work, and it breaks the suspension of disbelief. Not only that, but with a multitude of psykers/ Inquisitors here, you would think they would notice a warp storm and boogey out of there.

 

The original homeworld of the Blue Hawks was called Delroth, however with their disappearance, the world has been converted to other uses. Because they are now stuck on Gil'than'tel IV, they have made the best of it and turned it into a fortress world using the resources on the Inquisitional Black Ship.

 

How did they turn the world of Gil'Than'tel (sounds Alien/Eldar-ish) into a fortress using only the supplies of a Black Ship? And what happened to its occupants?

 

The world itself is a harsh world, covered mostly in mountain ranges. There are small parts of the planet that are covered in flat plains, but these are mostly desert and uninhabitable. These desert plains are also invested with tyrranids who burrow under the surface and make their homes in a complex underground tunnel system. Because the ttyrnnids are unable or unwilling to tunnel into the mountainous regions of the planet, Grey Legion forces have largely made their fortresses straight on the bare rock of the many mountains in the area.

 

The Tyranids are a very new threat to the Galaxy. Not only that, but the presence of a single Tyranid means that inevitably, the Hive Fleet cometh. You can't just have sporadic Tyranids popping up to give your guys something to do in their boredom. Eventually a Tendril of the Hive Fleet will come, and when it does, your Legion will die.

 

There are two suns, one green and one orange. The orange sun, which is larger than the blue is named Talar with the smaller blue sun being called Rith. Traveling around Gil'than'tel IV is largly done via landspeeder and other craft that use anti-gravity mechanisms, due to the very harsh environment.

 

Alone and isolated, with no real resources or technology, it seems a bad idea to use complex anti-grav mechanisms to travel, especially given the difficulty of repair. Without the AM, your chapter would slowly wear its technology down, especially in such an unforgiving environment.

 

Every few years, the warp storm surrounding the planet creates large weather anomalies and very strong winds kick up the sand on the desert plains creating a sand storm that covers the planet. In these times, only travel in full armor is possible and even then not risked unless there is great need. Grey Legion use this time, (usually 6-10 months) to travel underground and thin out the horde of Tyranids in their underground tunnels.

 

Isolation by a single warp storm would most likely begin to have effects on the population and the inhabitants, as the baleful energies of Chaos begin warp the planet. I've already covered the Tyranids, so beating a dead horse is pointless. Needless to say, going out every year to hunt some Tyranids as a way to relieve boredom seems illogical at best.

 

The doctrine of Grey Legion is one of close brotherhood. This came about as a large majority of the forces who were originally Grey Knights are telepathic, and so can communicate at the speed of thought. This has largely done away with combat communications of more normal means. Another result of this strange communication is a fighting force that reacts as one and seems to be of one mind.

 

Whoa, wait. What? Where did Grey Knights come from? You mentioned 1 Black Ship. No =][=, no Grey Knights. Secondly, Grey Knights don't join other chapters, and would never give up their name/title, regardless of isolation. Why can they suddenly communicate telepathically? Even Grey Knights use Vox-systems. Even if they could, how would regular marines communicate back? Perhaps too long fighting mysterious Tyranids has gone to your head. You've basically said that your Marines act like the Nids, moving as one entity.

 

I'm not even gonna touch the incredibly long History section. I'm not saying it's bad, for all I know it is a masterpiece of writing and fiction. However, it doesn't benefit the IA. However, if you are proud of it, perhaps moving that section to the short story board of the Liber would be better? For the IA itself though, it's far to long and doesn't provide an accurate history, just a good story.

[Vor]

Are they called the Blue Hawks or the Blue Eagles? You call them both in the story section.

[Ace Debonair]

Ever heard that Chapter Masters are the best of the best, and that's amongst space marines? They have literally hundreds of years of both strategic and tactical experience. It's unlikely he would send the entire chapter in. Aside from the risks of something like this happening, remember how dangerously, near-absurdly powerful space marines are. A company is usually enough to sort out plant-scale conflicts, for instance.

 

I'll be making the treat large enough that an entire chapter is sent in. Something like the planet is a very important strategic point that under no circumstances can be lost, because for example it my lead directly to an invasion of terra or something along those lines.

 

Hmm, alright. I'd be careful not to make it too big of a deal though, since that sort of big threat would probably call for multiple chapters/Imperial guard forces being present.

 

Perhaps make it a planet of more local importance - if it falls, the enemy will have a secure bastion to attack several other important planets in nearby sectors from, or something like that.

 

And how come none of his librarians noticed the warp storm brewing? :P

 

There are none.

Ah, I see.

It might be worth mentioning that in the first post, methinks.

 

 

Grey Knights. In your chapter. :D

The words 'no, just no' come to mind.

 

The whole reason that i created this chapter at all is because i wanted to include Grey Knights into a regular force. I may have to read some fluff on the grey knights and see where i can make this more viable, as it seems to be a sticking point for many people.

 

It's a tricky thing to aim for, no doubt.

Grey Knights are basically meant to be better than most other chapters, so it seems a bit unfair that your chapter should have them in their ranks when no other DIY chapters do. And this is of course assuming you can convince them to forgo their illustrious chapter name and heraldry in favour of joining up with your marines.

 

More power to you if you want to work GK into your chapter, but be aware that it's probably going to give you some headaches.

Hopefuly some folks who know more about the Grey Knights can shed more light on how such a thing may be done.

 

It's responses like this and your "Ever heard of the tau?" bit that get on my wick. :lol: Espada has give you nothing but good advice. While of course you can freely ignore it, it's not worth taking offence over.

 

There was no offence taken, it was just a comment made. I thanked him several times for his feedback. I would also like to think that he can defend himself if he so pleases, and doesn't need white knights to do it for him. Again just a statement of fact with no ill intention.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

 

Ah? I think I got the wrong end of the stick then. This is what being tired does to you at my age.

Carry on! :P