the cronicles of Orion Thunderer

[orion thunderer]

this extract is about the founding of the dorns fists space marine chapter, enjoy

 

The chronicles of Orion Thunderer

 

As he surveyed his wargear he could sense the history behind each piece- gifted to him on his ascension to chapter master of the newly founded Dorn’s Fists, a chapter of the Adeptus Astartes- the Emperors space marines- angles of death. His lightning claw, a gift of penance from brother captain Luko. His storm bolter, a relic of a great captain. His power armour- captain Lysander’s own, resplendent in its new heraldry, yet still bearing the yellow gauntlets. Only on his ascension did he discover the past of his new chargers, most of these marines had been part of the once great and proud soul drinkers, who where declared excommunicate traitoris. The devotion of their chapter master to his emperor had caused this branding when their great relic- the soul spear - had been stolen from them by the adeptus mechanicus. This is all he had been told by his once captain and chapter master.

 

Now he was in charge of maybe 50 marines, one twentieth of a full strength chapter and 30 of them may well still turn out to be a group of chaotic renegades. But they had all been approved after long campaigns of penance, so he was content for now. He had also been honoured by the presence of 10 terminators he had served with in the imperial fists. The remainder of his force were made up of Black Templar’s, including his nine scouts. Earlier that day he had received a great honour- as he patrolled his current base of operations, a great black Thunderhawk baring the markings of the Black Templars had descended from the skies and had come to rest upon one of the skyshield landing platforms outside the old imperial parade ground. As he strode towards the newcomers he was greeted by a Techmarine, as he introduced himself as brother Salfres, a team of serfs and servitors were unloading the cargo- Davian, a mighty dreadnought, it was at that moment that another Thunderhawk- this time of his former chapter, accompanied by a large rust red mechanicus transport landed on the other landing platforms. He recognised the Thunderhawk as that of the master of the forge, and another dreadnought was unloaded, but unlike the one resting upon the skyshield, this one left with out a word, leaving only the dreadnought and fresh scorch marks to show it had been there. The mechanicus vessel however was a hive of activity, an adept hurried over and handed Salfres a data slate detailing the Landers cargo, as Salfres followed the adept back to his vessel, and he beckoned Orion to follow. When they arrived at the back of its swollen bulk, the cargo was almost completely unloaded, last to role out was a small rhino, of the older variety, infrequently seen, but just as valuable to a chapter. In total the mechanicus had delivered two rhinos, one predator and one vindicator. At this point the chapters few serfs and marines without other duties had collected at the edge of the landing zone- under the instruction of Salfres and other adepts the dreadnoughts and the new tanks where brought into the parade ground immediately captain Luko walked over to the enormous bulk of the second dreadnought, and greeted it as one would an old friend- the inscription on the front of the sarcophagus read Lygris, n its left greave was written soul drinker and on the right, a second chance, as he looked closer, taking everything in he noticed it was covered in machine code and small gothic script- clearly this was something significant, although he lacked the skill to understand its meaning. Salfres later explained that Lygris had once been a Techmarine in the soul drinkers and had sacrificed himself to kill a mighty Necron lord, for his sacrifice the adeptus mechanicus and the imperial fists agreed that he should entombed within a dreadnought as some reconciliation on their part for causing the chapter to rebel after the theft of the soul spear. They had also miraculously convinced the inquisition to spare the remaining battle brothers from execution and instead take a campaign of penance in the eye of terror. When the brothers returned the new chapter was formed. He also said that the storm bolter he had been given was that of captain Karraidin’s, another veteran of the soul drinkers. Other weapons of note that had been gifted to the new chapter where in the librarium bastion, a bolter, force axe and staff- those of Sarpedeon the renegade chapter master, some day these weapons would be issued to a novice who proved their mastery of the psychic talent.

 

The work on the fortress monastery was taking time, so until it was completed and consecrated the space marines were operating from an imperial guard barracks. Its various areas already converted for specific purposes, some of the barracks themselves had been converted into monastic cells, others like the main command centre had been upgraded to accommodate the vast bulk of the marines stationed there, the great central bastion had been segmented into a number of areas, the upper levels being the librarium, the middle two floors were being used as an apothecary and the ground floor as the armoury. This setup was running smoothly, as there were few marines in the complex, solitude was easily found for moments of contemplation and prayer. The Black Templars Thunderhawk was already being repainted into the purple and blue of the chapters tanks.

 

Several days after the arrival of Salfres and the dreadnoughts, Orion arranged to meet in the armoury with Luko and Lygris to try to discover more about the soul drinkers he was now commanding, as this audience was not private many of the marines were there, wearing an array of freshly painted armour and the prominent yellow gauntlets, as the story unfolded Lygris seemed to become far more animate.

 

 

feedback please!

 

For Dorn!

[astartes88]

well this looks interesting.

[Nacho Wolf]

Indeed it does, eagerly awaiting the next installment

[calgar101]

It has promise however one thing, space out your works. Being confronted by a massive wall of text is daunting so I'd advise you to split it up into paragraphs of around 10 or so lines :)

[Bjorn Firewalker]

A good beginning, but a little rough.

As he surveyed his wargear he could sense the history behind each piece- gifted to him on his ascension to chapter master of the newly founded Dorn’s Fists, a chapter of the Adeptus Astartes- the Emperor's space marines- angels of death. His lightning claw, a gift of penance from Brother-Captain Luko. His storm bolter, a relic of a great captain. His power armour- Captain Lysander’s own, resplendent in its new heraldry, yet still bearing the yellow gauntlets. Only on his ascension did he discover the past of his new charges, most of these marines had been part of the once great and proud Soul Drinkers, who where declared excommunicate traitoris. The devotion of their chapter master to his Emperor had caused this branding when their great relic- the Soul Spear - had been stolen from them by the Adeptus Mechanicus. This is all he had been told by his once captain and chapter master.

Emphasis mine. Check your grammar and spelling, and remember to capitalize names and titles. Other issues:

 

1) The Soul Drinkers may feel the Soul Spear was stolen from them, but considering other Space Marine Chapters didn't support their rebellion, the Mechanicus may have a justifiable reason for doing so- one to the Imperial Fists and their successors. Maybe the Spear is the "key" to a Mechanicus shrine, one with a long-lost STC fragment?

 

2) Considering the storm bolter belonged to a Space Marine hero, and you named the original owners of Orion's armor and lightning claws, the "great captain" should be named- make up one if necessary.

 

3) The Chapter colors include purple? I know it was the color of royalty in ancient times, but in the 41st millennium, it seems the color of the Emperor's Children and other Slaanesh worshippers.