[U/C] Desert Hunters of Torlak

[Marcus Laridius]

Origin

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http://img545.imageshack.us/img545/1355/spacemarine.jpg

The Desert Hunters were founded shortly after the peace treaty between the Imperium and the T'au Empire was signed around 732.M41 . The group of scouts that would later form the chapter were a group of men from a wasteland planet called Torlak, located on the furthest edge of the Eastern Fringe, just barely out of reach of the T'au Empire. Among the group, they chose one of their brothers to lead them, despite lacking the rank of sargeant. This was Marcus Laridius, a gifted scout who would later become the Chapter Master of the Desert Hunters. Trained under the watchful eye of the famous Sargeant Telion, the group of men combined their skills of surviving in the harsh desert lands of their homeplanet to their tactics as scout initiates. When the time came for a sargeant to be chosen, Marcus, after showing his skills as a sniper and the intellect of a true born leader, was promoted and placed incharge of the brothers. The group then took on the name "Lions of Torlak" for their stealth like fighting style and use of knives and the occasional lightning claws over chain blades. After years of training and months of rehabilitation from the implantation cycle, the Lions were one step closer to their induction into their new division. This was cut short after all radio communications were lost with the planet Torlak.


A day before their relocation was to be given, Marcus and his men were ordered to their ship, an old, light battlecruiser named the "Angel of the Forsaken." Their final mission as initiates was to investigate the loss of communications with the planet of Torlak, which at the time had a small unit of tactical marines and a single tech-marine. Eager to protect their planet and full of zeal, the Lions quickly made their way to the planet. After exiting from their jump, they were immediatly fired upon by an unknown planetside force. The cruiser took evasive maneuvers and immediatly went down to the planet in an emergency landing in a zone that they deemed safe. When the marines walked off their ship, it was obvious that their ship was unfit for space travel and it would be a death sentence to even try to take off without destroying whatever it was that try to sink them. Contact was attempted to try and communicate with the local space marine unit, but it was unsuccesful. Marcus then chose seven of his most skilled marines to follow him. They set out to the closest settlement to the crash zone, which happened to be the home of Marcus Laridius, the village of Milta. When arriving, to Marcus' dismay, the marines were greeted with signs of death and torment. Buildings destroyed and bodies mutilated with signs of what seemed to be experiments. The Lions then searched the village for survivors. Only a handful of children and young adults were found among the dead. Those who were killed or used for whatever experiments that were being performed was Marcus' parents. He found them nearly stripped of their skin and implanet with different tubes and machinery. In a rubble pile next to them was a piece of yellow metal. After moving away the debris, they found who was killing their people. A firewarrior, the T'au. The civilians were questioned and as it turned out, a group of T'au raiders, who were against the peace treaty, had taken over their planet and began to use the citizens as forced laborers and performed experiments on them. Adults were forced to breed and some of the pregnant women were experimented on during pregnancy. This angered the Lions who swore to get revenge on the T'au. When they returned to their ship with refugees, they were greeted by more refugees and the space marines stationed there, as well as the tech-marine, who was currently repairing their battlecruiser. The local marines, after seeing the "Angel of the Forsaken" enter the planet's atmosphere, immediatly abandoned their station at Lorvia witht he citizens at the dead of night. They, too, were thirsty for T'au blood and swore that the only way that they would give up their planet now was with their deaths. The Lions, now numbering around two hundred fifty, swore and oath with the refugees. They would fight until their last battle brother had fallen. The refugees swore that they two would not give into slavery and would take their own lives before the T'au could punish them.

After swearing their oath, Marcus took the title of Commander, after a unanymous decision was made by the marines. The marines decided they they would push for a pure victory and to force the T'au off the planet in one single swoop. This had to be done, for their supplies wouldn't last them for a full fledged campaign and they were most likely outnumbered. In order to win, they turned to their tactics taught to them by Sargeant Telion. During training, the original Lions showed much skill in the use of guerilla warfare and the use of scout bikes. They looked highly and gave much respect to the White Scars and their leader Jagahtai Khan, who they took on as the groups Primarch. Using fast attack maneuvers and luring their enemies into mine traps and ambushes from the other scout squadrons, they focused on swift mobile and ground force to disorient the enemy and then finished them off with artillery called in by scout sniper groups. They would use these to attack and eventually defeat the T'au raiders in the battle of the Hilow Ruins. After the rebels were pushed back and the bodies were counted, only seven of the group of one hundred who were sent in as the ambush group during the night had fallen in battle. On the T'au side, seventy of the two hundred had perished. Among the dead marines was one of Marcus' blood relatives. This helmet was taken and a memorial was built among the ruins, which is now called Durian's Dune and is viewed as a sacred sight among the local populace. After the victory, word came in that reinforcements were arriving from the 10th division. Many of the T'au raiders' ships were being destroyed above the planet as more initiates and newly appointed space marines assisted with the refugees and the Lions. Months later, Marcus was given command of the marines and initiates on the planet, stating that his use of tactics, knowledge of terrain and the planet, and lack of equipment against a well grasped enemy was worthy of praise. He was given the choice of joining whatever chapter he wanted as a commander of his own force, but turned it down with the request of creating his own chapter. He was granted his request and took upon the title of Chapter Master. Thus, the Lions of Torlak became the Desert Hunters of Torlak.

Homeworld: Torlak

[imgleft]http://www.wallpaper.cz/primo/ir2/desert_planet--400x300.jpg[/imgleft] The planet of Torlak is located on the farthest edge of the Eastern Fringe of the Segmentum Ultima. The location hangs near the Empire of T'au, but was barely touched by the alien race even during the failed crusade against the empire. The planet, a desert wasteland with very few lakes and rivers, but covered with mazes of underground water channels, the planet is home to a population of only eighty thousand people. The planet was populated shortly before the discovery of the T'au by the Imperium and was originally used as a observation post to watch movements of the T'au. It was later used as a communication point and a warning station incase the T'au inteded to break the peace treaty. The scattered villages agreed on a universal conscription order. Half of the population of males who reached the suitable age would be sent to be trained as space marines with the hope of returning and protecting their home from possible invaders. They also hoped that an influx of marines from Torlak would get the attention of the Imperium and that supplies and support from Terra would come and the planet of Torlak would be built into a thriving city. No such actions were taken and the planet was soon taken over by T'au raiders. Experiments were being done on the population with new forms of chemicals they hoped to use against elite units in space marine divisions, such as the terminator units. The strongest of them men were taken to be worked on, causing the population be nothing but women and weak men and elderly, whom were forced into labor. Their salvation and prayers would be answered when the Desert Hunters arrived and forced T'au off the planet.

However, the threat of the T'au has not faded from the planet. A few ships managed to escaped the incoming reinforcements to Torlak and later returned to make quick strikes. These strikes were thwarted by the fast acting Chapter Master Marcus Laridius, who had sent his scout bike units to place mines and had anti-air whirlwind tanks and quick strike landspeeder units to force back the small forces and air units. It is known to the Chapter that the raiders have set up a base of operations on the southern uninhabited part of the planet. However, no plans have been made for a full frontal assault until more information is gathered.

Docterine

[Shinzaren]

First off. Welcome to the Liber. Let's take a look and see what we've got eh? :D Fear not if my responses seem harsh or mean. It's just my style.

 

The Desert Hunters were founded shortly after the peace treaty between the Imperium and the T'au Empire was signed around 732.M41 .

Peace treaty? When was this? The Imperium of Man made peace with an Alien race? I guess I missed that...

 

Among the group, they chose one of their brothers to lead them, despite lacking the rank of sargeant. This was Marcus Laridius, a gifted scout who would later become the Chapter Master of the Desert Hunters.

Wait, what? They chose their own leader? Who trained them in the first place? What gene-seed are they from, what founding are they part of? You jumped right to the Chapter Master, and didn't give any of the stuff we need.

 

Trained under the watchful eye of the famous Sargeant Telion, the group of men combined their skills of surviving in the harsh desert lands of their homeplanet to their tactics as scout initiates.

Telion seems like name dropping. You are implying that the Ultramarines formed your training cadre. Not only that, but your dates seem off. Most recent C:SM says that Telion has served for 300 years as of 999.M41. That means in 732.M41 he would have been 40ish years old. Barely a fresh scout himself at this point, and certainly not someone put in charge of a training cadre.

 

When the time came for a sargeant to be chosen, Marcus, after showing his skills as a sniper and the intellect of a true born leader, was promoted and placed incharge of the brothers.

From scout to Chapter Master? Seems a jump. There should be more time elapsed, as they spend time with their training cadre, building the chapter up, and progressing through the ranks. Secondly, it's spelled sergeant .

 

The group then took on the name "Lions of Torlak" for their stealth like fighting style and use of knives and the occasional lightning claws over chain blades. After years of training and months of rehabilitation from the implantation cycle, the Lions were one step closer to their induction into their new division. This was cut short after all radio communications were lost with the planet Torlak

.

Why do they use knives and lightning claws over chainswords?

 

 

A day before their relocation was to be given, Marcus and his men were ordered to their ship, an old, light battlecruiser named the "Angel of the Forsaken."

Space marine chapters have the whole of the Imperium at their disposal, and are given the best gear and weapons possible. Assuming your chapter hasn't ticked off the AdMech(See Stone Hearts), you'd get a shiny new battle barge or strike cruiser, and probably more than one at that.

 

Their final mission as initiates was to investigate the loss of communications with the planet of Torlak, which at the time had a small unit of tactical marines and a single tech-marine. Eager to protect their planet and full of zeal, the Lions quickly made their way to the planet.

Wait. I thought they were based on Torlak, hence the name? Why did they leave and run all over, only to lose their planet?

 

After exiting from their jump, they were immediatly fired upon by an unknown planetside force.

Planet based weapon striking orbital targets? **whistle** That's some heavy tech...

 

Marcus then chose seven of his most skilled marines to follow him. They set out to the closest settlement to the crash zone, which happened to be the home of Marcus Laridius, the village of Milta. When arriving, to Marcus' dismay, the marines were greeted with signs of death and torment. Buildings destroyed and bodies mutilated with signs of what seemed to be experiments.

Why only 7 marines, why does it just happen to be his village?

 

The Lions then searched the village for survivors. Only a handful of children and young adults were found among the dead. Those who were killed or used for whatever experiments that were being performed was Marcus' parents. He found them nearly stripped of their skin and implanet with different tubes and machinery.

Wha? That's convenient. His parents, who would probably be dead by the time he aged and gained enough experience to take command of a chapter, are among the dead?

 

In a rubble pile next to them was a piece of yellow metal. After moving away the debris, they found who was killing their people. A firewarrior, the T'au. The civilians were questioned and as it turned out, a group of T'au raiders, who were against the peace treaty, had taken over their planet and began to use the citizens as forced laborers and performed experiments on them. Adults were forced to breed and some of the pregnant women were experimented on during pregnancy.

What? Why? This seems more Chaos's style than the Tau.

 

This angered the Lions who swore to get revenge on the T'au. When they returned to their ship with refugees, they were greeted by more refugees and the space marines stationed there, as well as the tech-marine, who was currently repairing their battlecruiser. The local marines, after seeing the "Angel of the Forsaken" enter the planet's atmosphere, immediatly abandoned their station at Lorvia witht he citizens at the dead of night. They, too, were thirsty for T'au blood and swore that the only way that they would give up their planet now was with their deaths. The Lions, now numbering around two hundred fifty, swore and oath with the refugees. They would fight until their last battle brother had fallen. The refugees swore that they two would not give into slavery and would take their own lives before the T'au could punish them.

Whaa? This is taking a convoluted path here. The marines suddenly show up after retreating earlier? Why? They're marines, they would sold their souls at a damn high price when the Tau came knocking. They would not go quietly, nor would they retreat. Unless the Tau force numbers enough to make even a Space Marine think twice. More explanation is needed here to really get across the ideas you have.

 

After swearing their oath, Marcus took the title of Commander, after a unanymous decision was made by the marines. The marines decided they they would push for a pure victory and to force the T'au off the planet in one single swoop. This had to be done, for their supplies wouldn't last them for a full fledged campaign and they were most likely outnumbered. In order to win, they turned to their tactics taught to them by Sargeant Telion. During training, the original Lions showed much skill in the use of guerilla warfare and the use of scout bikes.

So they have bikes on their battered ships? Why guerrilla tactics? 250 marines is a PLANET scouring force, the equivalent of two and a half codex companies. That is a big super soldier pain train for whatever they are aimed at.

 

They looked highly and gave much respect to the White Scars and their leader Jagahtai Khan, who they took on as the groups Primarch.

This seems like name dropping. Especially because as such a young chapter, they would know who their gene-seed and Primarch were.

 

On the T'au side, seventy of the two hundred had perished. Among the dead marines was one of Marcus' blood relatives. This helmet was taken and a memorial was built among the ruins, which is now called Durian's Dune and is viewed as a sacred sight among the local populace.

Cause one marine died? So what?

 

Months later, Marcus was given command of the marines and initiates on the planet, stating that his use of tactics, knowledge of terrain and the planet, and lack of equipment against a well grasped enemy was worthy of praise. He was given the choice of joining whatever chapter he wanted as a commander of his own force, but turned it down with the request of creating his own chapter. He was granted his request and took upon the title of Chapter Master. Thus, the Lions of Torlak became the Desert Hunters of Torlak

Granted by who? Again, rushed and oddly written, could be reworked a lot. His own force would BE a chapter. Why would he turn it down to make a NEW one? Why not just take the marines he had and make them into a chapter? This whole intro confuses me. Were they a new chapter before this anti-Tau campaign? Were they Ultramarines? Why did they make a new chapter? Etc etc etc.

 

The planet, a desert wasteland with very few lakes and rivers, but covered with mazes of underground water channels, the planet is home to a population of only eighty thousand people.

That's ummm pretty low. 80,000 people is not a big enough gene/talent pool to create a chapter of Space Marine from?

 

They also hoped that an influx of marines from Torlak would get the attention of the Imperium and that supplies and support from Terra would come and the planet of Torlak would be built into a thriving city. No such actions were taken and the planet was soon taken over by T'au raiders. Experiments were being done on the population with new forms of chemicals they hoped to use against elite units in space marine divisions, such as the terminator units. The strongest of them men were taken to be worked on, causing the population be nothing but women and weak men and elderly, whom were forced into labor. Their salvation and prayers would be answered when the Desert Hunters arrived and forced T'au off the planet.

So there were marines there? But they left? Or what? If Marines settle on a planet, then by default it becomes a very important place to the Imperium. Even if the inhabitants are left alone, the space and trade around the planet increases by several orders of magnitude.

 

 

However, the threat of the T'au has not faded from the planet. A few ships managed to escaped the incoming reinforcements to Torlak and later returned to make quick strikes. These strikes were thwarted by the fast acting Chapter Master Marcus Laridius, who had sent his scout bike units to place mines and had anti-air whirlwind tanks and quick strike landspeeder units to force back the small forces and air units. It is known to the Chapter that the raiders have set up a base of operations on the southern uninhabited part of the planet. However, no plans have been made for a full frontal assault until more information is gathered.

What? Why not? They're Tau raiders? Against the might of a Space Marine chapter... The Marines would WRECK them. Straight up. Just absolutely destroy them.

 

 

So, lots of potential here, and some good ideas for an anti-Tau chapter. Right now it's all over the place and is quite messy, however. Definitely needs a lot of refinement, and you need to explain a lot more clearly about their origins, beliefs, motivations, etc etc. I highly recommend the

The DIY Guide to Creating New Chapters!

as well as the

The Octaguide:Octavulg's Guide to Creating an Excellent DIY Chapter That Will Make Even Beautiful Women Go, "Hey, That's Pretty Cool!"

 

These are both excellent resources for the creation of new chapters, and will go a long way towards refining your ideas into something workable. Right now it's a bit of a mess, and it's both very hard to follow, and hard to figure out. Start with these two guides, and then make a somewhat detailed outline of your chapter. Goodluck and hopefully you enjoy your stay here.

[Marcus Laridius]

Like its said, this is under construction.

 

There is still stuff i'm trying to understand and I am reading up on it.

 

To answer some of your questions:

 

1) The peace treaty was signed after the failed crusade against the T'au and the sudden attacks by the Tyranids that the Imperium needed their full strength to fight off.

 

2) Marcus was made sargeant of the group and his unit was sent with several other initiates and new marines. When they landed and found the situation the way it was and with the other local forces joining up, he was chosen as their commander, this is where they start to form their chapter.

 

3) Telion is one of my favorite of the sargeants and I really wanted to add him into my Chapter Master's background. Sadly, I'll take him out now. Like I said, I'm still new to this and I'm learning from my mistakes.

 

4) No, he was not made chapter master. He was made chapter master after the Hunters pushed back the raiders at the battle of Hilow Ruins. He was given the choice to choose whatever chapter besides the veteran 1st, but he chose to stay with his brothers and his home planet as the Chapter Master. When he was a scout, he was promoted to scout sargeant until he recieved his implants and took on space marine armor.

 

5) They chose knives and lightning claws because they are guerilla warfare. Pack light weapons for mobility and carry explosives. I, for one, like lightning claws. However, my force is gonna include Vanguard Assault which WILL have chain swords.

 

6) They were not trained on Torlak. Torlak had no space marine training facilities and was only used as an observation planet to keep watch over the T'au empire.

 

7) I wanted to give them a cruiser over a barge, nuff said.

 

8) skip to the village, I wanted that to happen. I wanted something that would make them angry and have a much more bloody thirst for revenge against the T'au. I kind of think of it as the Darth Vader effect.

 

9) I'll probably take out his parents and just have it as the citizens or children and others of his village, which will still bring him rage.

 

10) I was treading into uncharted territory here. My original idea was to have it that these T'au were also testing new technology to use against the Hive Behemoth, but i didn't know when they came in. So I made it that they wanted to test new chemical and plasma on the citizens and to study the human body in order to defeat units such as Terminators. My mind was on a runaway train right here.

 

11) This planet is hardly stocked for combat. The marines had only what they needed and didn't expect the T'au raiders' assault. Therefore losses were rising with each raid. Therefore, with the arrival of fresh troops, they decide to regroup and resupply.

 

12) I am probably gonna change it from 250 to 70.

[Shinzaren]

Those two guides will go a long way, and provide very good building blocks. You have the ideas, just need some refinements. I highly recommend creating an outline, either for yourself, or to post for critique. For one thing, just the simple act of sorting the jumble of ideas in your head out and onto paper will be a BIG benefit to you.

[Marcus Laridius]

Like its said, this is under construction.

 

There is still stuff i'm trying to understand and I am reading up on it.

 

To answer some of your questions:

 

1) The peace treaty was signed after the failed crusade against the T'au and the sudden attacks by the Tyranids that the Imperium needed their full strength to fight off.

 

2) Marcus was made sargeant of the group and his unit was sent with several other initiates and new marines. When they landed and found the situation the way it was and with the other local forces joining up, he was chosen as their commander, this is where they start to form their chapter.

 

3) Telion is one of my favorite of the sargeants and I really wanted to add him into my Chapter Master's background. Sadly, I'll take him out now. Like I said, I'm still new to this and I'm learning from my mistakes.

 

4) No, he was not made chapter master. He was made chapter master after the Hunters pushed back the raiders at the battle of Hilow Ruins. He was given the choice to choose whatever chapter besides the veteran 1st, but he chose to stay with his brothers and his home planet as the Chapter Master. When he was a scout, he was promoted to scout sargeant until he recieved his implants and took on space marine armor.

 

5) They chose knives and lightning claws because they are guerilla warfare. Pack light weapons for mobility and carry explosives. I, for one, like lightning claws. However, my force is gonna include Vanguard Assault which WILL have chain swords.

 

6) They were not trained on Torlak. Torlak had no space marine training facilities and was only used as an observation planet to keep watch over the T'au empire.

 

7) I wanted to give them a cruiser over a barge, nuff said.

 

8) skip to the village, I wanted that to happen. I wanted something that would make them angry and have a much more bloody thirst for revenge against the T'au. I kind of think of it as the Darth Vader effect.

 

9) I'll probably take out his parents and just have it as the citizens or children and others of his village, which will still bring him rage.

 

10) I was treading into uncharted territory here. My original idea was to have it that these T'au were also testing new technology to use against the Hive Behemoth, but i didn't know when they came in. So I made it that they wanted to test new chemical and plasma on the citizens and to study the human body in order to defeat units such as Terminators. My mind was on a runaway train right here.

 

11) This planet is hardly stocked for combat. The marines had only what they needed and didn't expect the T'au raiders' assault. Therefore losses were rising with each raid. Therefore, with the arrival of fresh troops, they decide to regroup and resupply.

 

12) I am probably gonna change it from 250 to 70.

[Shinzaren]

Please don't self quote. We were posting at the same time, and as soon as I saw your edit, I began to formulate a response. The Liber is slow, and I am bored and trying to respond as quickly and accurately as a I can and still be useful. I'll do what I can, but time is needed.

 

1) The peace treaty was signed after the failed crusade against the T'au and the sudden attacks by the Tyranids that the Imperium needed their full strength to fight off.

Source? Not that I disbelieve, I just think it's interesting and would like to know more.

 

2) Marcus was made sargeant of the group and his unit was sent with several other initiates and new marines. When they landed and found the situation the way it was and with the other local forces joining up, he was chosen as their commander, this is where they start to form their chapter.

Ok, here's the first major issue. Sergeant of what group? What is his original chapter? Ok, so he takes overall command of two forces, that's fine. Meshing two splinter groups into a chapter never works. After the battle each would return to their home group. Secondly, marines aren't created out of a chapter. If Marcus is a marine, he has a chapter. What is it?

 

3) Telion is one of my favorite of the sargeants and I really wanted to add him into my Chapter Master's background. Sadly, I'll take him out now. Like I said, I'm still new to this and I'm learning from my mistakes.

No worries. I've suffered the same loss. Great ideas and characters are only great if they fit :D You'll be better for cutting him.

 

4) No, he was not made chapter master. He was made chapter master after the Hunters pushed back the raiders at the battle of Hilow Ruins. He was given the choice to choose whatever chapter besides the veteran 1st, but he chose to stay with his brothers and his home planet as the Chapter Master. When he was a scout, he was promoted to scout sargeant until he recieved his implants and took on space marine armor.

Again, this is very confusing. He was given the choice to choose a Chapter? Because he should already have one... Did you mean company? Scout sergeants are full marines who are nearly always hardened veterans. They are then assigned to the first to watch over and train the newbies. Scouts don't become scout sergeants.

 

5) They chose knives and lightning claws because they are guerilla warfare. Pack light weapons for mobility and carry explosives. I, for one, like lightning claws. However, my force is gonna include Vanguard Assault which WILL have chain swords.

Lightning claws are rare, and a young chapter probably wouldn't have many. I would reserve them for the Veterans of your chapter.

 

6) They were not trained on Torlak. Torlak had no space marine training facilities and was only used as an observation planet to keep watch over the T'au empire.

Then why was their first name(prior to the change), the Lions of Torlak? I'm getting confused again.

 

7) I wanted to give them a cruiser over a barge, nuff said.

Actually I disagree. Not enough said. Space Marines don't cruisers over battle barges, cause they like the style. They need every bit of firepower than can get to push through things like blockades, and to protect their precious cargo in transit. Secondly, why would it be an old cruiser? As Space Marines, they are outfitted with the finest arms, armor, and ships the Imperium has. Pointless to make super soldiers, only to have them be killed in space cause their ship sucks.

 

8) skip to the village, I wanted that to happen. I wanted something that would make them angry and have a much more bloody thirst for revenge against the T'au. I kind of think of it as the Darth Vader effect.

Which prompts what is known as "Deus Ex Machina." A plot device in which something out of place exists solely to move the story along. It seems really convenient and doesn't add much. The tension would already exist if the Tau were experimenting on regular people. Having it be his village adds nothing, and makes the reader suspicious.

 

9) I'll probably take out his parents and just have it as the citizens or children and others of his village, which will still bring him rage.

It takes roughly 50ish years to go from raw recruit to Scout. It takes longer than that to go from Scout to Sergeant. Everyone he knew in his old village would probably be dead, thus removing the need for it to be HIS village.

 

10) I was treading into uncharted territory here. My original idea was to have it that these T'au were also testing new technology to use against the Hive Behemoth, but i didn't know when they came in. So I made it that they wanted to test new chemical and plasma on the citizens and to study the human body in order to defeat units such as Terminators. My mind was on a runaway train right here.

Terminators aren't the product of awesome marines. The Armor is what gives them such a lethality. Experimenting on Farmer Joe would offer ZERO insight into defeating terminators, or marines in general. Secondly, my personal belief is that tampering too heavily with GW created forces, like the Tau, leads to more problems than benefits. Don't make the Tau on your world vastly different from the average Tau. It defeats the purpose of fighting the Tau in the first place.

 

11) This planet is hardly stocked for combat. The marines had only what they needed and didn't expect the T'au raiders' assault. Therefore losses were rising with each raid. Therefore, with the arrival of fresh troops, they decide to regroup and resupply.

Even a lightly armed Space Marine force is still INCREDIBLY deadly. A single squad can alter the course of huge battles. Plus, the Tau are kinda fragile without all the tech and their allies. A splinter group that disagrees with the main Septs wouldn't be a big threat to Space Marines, not unless they outnumbered them by a HUGE margin.

 

12) I am probably gonna change it from 250 to 70.

70 marines is still a large and very powerful force. No Tau raiding party is gonna stop them.

 

 

Again, I'm pushing hard for the Outline.

[Marcus Laridius]

1) I had to restart my comp, so i lost teh page. But it is there. I think its in teh timeline section.

 

2) The group was the little contingent of recruits taht came from teh planet. They formed their little pact of brothers and he was chosen as their leader. Even if he wasn't the sargeant, they'd still turn to Marcus for advice.

 

4) I completely forgot to put that Marcus decided to stay with the 10th instead of going to a chapter, along with his brothers who followed him. that was my intention for him all along. He also stayed with teh scouts because his skills suit him better as a covert and guerilla warfare scout rather than the frontline space marine.

 

5) Online marcus is gonna use claws. I plan on giving the others chain swords, unless they are terminators.

 

As for the other questions, I will fix. I am at college, so this is a side project. I knew it wasn't gonna be easy either.

[Shinzaren]

2) The group was the little contingent of recruits taht came from teh planet. They formed their little pact of brothers and he was chosen as their leader. Even if he wasn't the sargeant, they'd still turn to Marcus for advice.

Recruits for what Chapter? Who recruited them? Who made them Space Marines? Who is their Father and what does he do?

 

4) I completely forgot to put that Marcus decided to stay with the 10th instead of going to a chapter, along with his brothers who followed him. that was my intention for him all along. He also stayed with teh scouts because his skills suit him better as a covert and guerilla warfare scout rather than the frontline space marine

.

What? If he's a scout, then he is IN a Chapter. I think this is a point of confusion... I wanna know what Chapter this is.

 

All marines are gonna be required to serve as battle-brothers, if only for little while, because they need to learn all the skills required, especially if they are gunning for a command position.

 

5) Online marcus is gonna use claws. I plan on giving the others chain swords, unless they are terminators.

Okey doke

 

As for the other questions, I will fix. I am at college, so this is a side project. I knew it wasn't gonna be easy either.

Same here. No rush, I'm just addressing questions as I see them. Take your time.

 

Sitting in class as I write this actually :D

[Marcus Laridius]

To fix the which chapter he is in. He is staying in the 10th. I wanted to model Marcus after Cyrus from Dawn of War II. He stayed as a scout and decided to teach new scout initiates. That was my whole role for Marcus.

[Shinzaren]

Yeah, that's fine. You still haven't explained the Chapter. The company yes. The Chapter No. Secondly, the role of Tenth Company Captain is a great idea, that's fine. He wouldn't be the Chapter Master as well. Doesn't make sense.

[The Normish]

Yeah, that's fine. You still haven't explained the Chapter. The company yes. The Chapter No. Secondly, the role of Tenth Company Captain is a great idea, that's fine. He wouldn't be the Chapter Master as well. Doesn't make sense.

Unless the positions are merged, but that seems extremely unlikely and uncharacteristic.

[Marcus Laridius]

Yeah, that's fine. You still haven't explained the Chapter. The company yes. The Chapter No. Secondly, the role of Tenth Company Captain is a great idea, that's fine. He wouldn't be the Chapter Master as well. Doesn't make sense.

 

I didn't finish the chapter explaination part. I went to go get dinner at the cafeteria. The chapter is complete dedication to the Emperor and the citizens of Torlak. Using their knowledge of the desert planet and using constantly changing landmasses such as sand dunes to their advantage, they prefer guerilla warfare over open combat. suprise attacks over charges. I would say they were more space wolves than space marines tho.

[Lone Scout]

For the love or the Emperor stop with " teh " it is annoying! It's the.

 

"The group was the little contingent of recruits taht came from teh planet. They formed their little pact of brothers and he was chosen as their leader. Even if he wasn't the sargeant, they'd still turn to Marcus for advice"......Then he would be the squad sargent, thats how chain of command works...you don't go into the feild, get shot at by Tau firewarriors and huddle and discuss what it to be done. The Squad sargent makes the call and shoots the :D outta the Tau or they withdraw. (given this is a squad engagement otherwise someone higher up gives the commands and the SS makes sure the command is carried out.)

 

 

"4) I completely forgot to put that Marcus decided to stay with the 10th instead of going to a chapter, along with his brothers who followed him. that was my intention for him all along. He also stayed with teh scouts because his skills suit him better as a covert and guerilla warfare scout rather than the frontline space marine" .....Desert Hunters of Torlak is his chapter....10 company is his company...10 companies to a chapter (unless you're a heretical chapter like the SW or the BT for example). So he could be Chaptermaster...in charge of the whole shabang or company comander in charge of the whole scout company. Personally I'd make him a company commander, it is more fluffy for the role you want him to forfill. This also allows for a mistake in fluff so to speak, if they attacked the peaceful Tau, it would have been the Chapter Masters decision not Marcus'. He'd still engage with the enemy but he was ordered too...this gives more scope and can serve to make him more human/zelous/caring/uncareing as you like. This way you don't have to "temper" him with the responsability of command. for example

 

"Marcus had time to think as his drop pod plumeted towards the enemy held planet. For the love of the emperor he couldn't understand why the chapter master wanted to assualt the peacefull Tau below, especally since they had withdrawn from the pervious planet without a fight. The rockets under the drop pod fired to slow the pods rapid decent. The presure snapped Marcus from his thoughts, these decisions were not his to make. He would do his duty and clense the planet of the Tau with santified bolter and true spacemarine zeal".

or Marcus gripped his bolter tighter as the drop pod plumeted towards the enemy held planet. For the love of the emperor he couldn't understand why the chapter master hadn't assualted the upstart Tau before now. The pod came to a violent stop despite the rockets attemp to halt the pods speedy decent. The pods doors folded outwards and Marcus sprang forward grinning, bolter spitting death to the blue skined warriors infront of him.

 

Hope that helps some?

Nikko

[Marcus Laridius]

But they are not in drop pods. They are in a cruiser. Jesus, don't rewrite my thing, that annoys the hell out of me. You can make small suggestions or point stuff out, but leave the writing to me. Stuff like Shinz is saying helps. And don't complain about the teh. It happens. I'm not using it in my chapter DIY, so there is no need to complain.

 

sorry, in a foul mood tonight

[Octavulg]

It is neither polite nor wise to take to task those who are attempting to help you in a rude and hostile fashion. You don't have to use the text he offered, and being annoyed by him rewriting it is unnecessary. It's not like he can make you use it.

[Octavulg]

A day before their relocation was to be given, Marcus and his men were ordered to their ship, an old, light battlecruiser named the "Angel of the Forsaken." Their final mission as initiates was to investigate the loss of communications with the planet of Torlak, which at the time had a small unit of tactical marines and a single tech-marine. Eager to protect their planet and full of zeal, the Lions quickly made their way to the planet. After exiting from their jump, they were immediatly fired upon by an unknown planetside force. The cruiser took evasive maneuvers and immediatly went down to the planet in an emergency landing in a zone that they deemed safe.

 

I don't believe ships of cruiser size can land. At least, I can't think of an example, and their ridiculous size would suggest that it would be unworkable.

 

And why would they dispatch only a small group of Scouts to investigate such an event?

 

They would fight until their last battle brother had fallen. The refugees swore that they two would not give into slavery and would take their own lives before the T'au could punish them.

 

This whole thing...doesn't sound very Tauy. The Tau are all peaceful-conquest, Greater-Good, blah blah. War atrocities and weird experiments just isn't their deal. Especially weird public experiments. Weird private experiments, maybe. But torture and the like just isn't the way they do things. Not nearly subtle enough.

 

* * *

 

I, too, recommend you read some guides to this whole process. It'll help you a lot.

 

Personally, I think your beginning is too crowded - spread it out a little. There doesn't seem to be a particular need for all this to be taking place over such a short period of time - he'd still be attached to his home planet even after decades.

[Marcus Laridius]

i'm mainly annoyed by the complaining about teh. Its a simple mistake and i just leave it. Its not even in the section i'm writing. As for the advice, i like the advice and thank for it. It just kind of urks me when i see something like put this or try this and someone completely rewrites it.

[Marcus Laridius]

A day before their relocation was to be given, Marcus and his men were ordered to their ship, an old, light battlecruiser named the "Angel of the Forsaken." Their final mission as initiates was to investigate the loss of communications with the planet of Torlak, which at the time had a small unit of tactical marines and a single tech-marine. Eager to protect their planet and full of zeal, the Lions quickly made their way to the planet. After exiting from their jump, they were immediatly fired upon by an unknown planetside force. The cruiser took evasive maneuvers and immediatly went down to the planet in an emergency landing in a zone that they deemed safe.

 

I don't believe ships of cruiser size can land. At least, I can't think of an example, and their ridiculous size would suggest that it would be unworkable.

 

And why would they dispatch only a small group of Scouts to investigate such an event?

 

They would fight until their last battle brother had fallen. The refugees swore that they two would not give into slavery and would take their own lives before the T'au could punish them.

 

This whole thing...doesn't sound very Tauy. The Tau are all peaceful-conquest, Greater-Good, blah blah. War atrocities and weird experiments just isn't their deal. Especially weird public experiments. Weird private experiments, maybe. But torture and the like just isn't the way they do things. Not nearly subtle enough.

 

* * *

 

I, too, recommend you read some guides to this whole process. It'll help you a lot.

 

Personally, I think your beginning is too crowded - spread it out a little. There doesn't seem to be a particular need for all this to be taking place over such a short period of time - he'd still be attached to his home planet even after decades.

 

Note, about the T'au. This is a part that is completely not in accordance with the rest of the T'au Empire and who are completely against the treaty. Even though this seemed to be something the Orcs might do besides the experiments, I wanted to have an conflict with the T'au.

 

And I didn't say that they were all scouts. There are space marines with them and there is a Tech-marine on the planet.

[Shinzaren]

i'm mainly annoyed by the complaining about teh. Its a simple mistake and i just leave it. Its not even in the section i'm writing. As for the advice, i like the advice and thank for it. It just kind of urks me when i see something like put this or try this and someone completely rewrites it.

 

Relax. Basic rule of the IA process is to NEVER take the criticisms, comments, and suggestions personally. Everyone, regardless of method, is posting because they think they can help. If you don't like how someone suggested something, don't use it. I'd recommend against arguing with people instead of over points. The goal of this part of the process is to make the IA look proper and work well. Nothing to get worked up over.

[Octavulg]

i'm mainly annoyed by the complaining about teh. Its a simple mistake and i just leave it.

 

Yes. We noticed.

 

It's a simple mistake, and you make it anyway. And don't care about it.

 

That's not an attitude that suggests you're going to work hard to produce a good IA.

 

It just kind of urks me when i see something like put this or try this and someone completely rewrites it.

 

Get over it. Rewriting it is neither rude, insulting, nor an assault upon your abilities or your person. People offer me rewrite suggestions all the time. And often they're excellent.

 

Getting upset over it is only going to hamper you.

 

Note, about the T'au. This is a part that is completely not in accordance with the rest of the T'au Empire and who are completely against the treaty. Even though this seemed to be something the Orcs might do besides the experiments, I wanted to have an conflict with the T'au.

 

Just because they're not part of the Empire doesn't mean they stop being Tau. This feels at odds with the entirety of Tau culture and psyche. If they opposed the peace treaty I'd expect them to be continuing conquest, not...this.

 

If anything, their disrespect for the peace treaty would suggest an increased appreciation of Tau ways, and thus make it more likely they'd be all conquesty and imperialist.

 

And I didn't say that they were all scouts. There are space marines with them and there is a Tech-marine on the planet.

 

No. You said "Marcus and his men".

 

Marcus and his men are Scouts. You did not mention anyone else - the Tactical Marines and Techmarine are mentioned in reference to the planet, and thus are clearly not part of the men on the ship. Thus, the Chapter would appear to have dispatched a group of new recruits to investigate the loss of contact with a planet which already had a small garrison of Space Marines - and thus presumably would have fallen to a serious threat.

 

There may be Marines on the planet, but that still doesn't change the fact that the Ultramarines apparently dispatched a small group of Scouts to investigate the loss of a group of experienced marines who didn't even have time to send a distress call. Which doesn't make sense.

[Lone Scout]

Marcus I wasn't rewriting your stuff, I wouldn't dare as it is your fluff not my own. I wrote the 2 examples to show how not being in command gives your character more .... character. If I did offend you that was not my intention and I applogise unreservedly.

 

I will go out on a limb here though and say that being you are new to this you need to listen to the rest of the guys here because you are making some huge mistakes. Tau won't experiment on people...chaos, dark eldar at a strech maybe orks (cause it might be fun) but certainly not Tau. There are plenty of things about the Tau that would tick the imperium off without re-writing the basic Tau traits. (maybe your guys land to see kroot eating your people..that would piss me off enough to want to kill every last Tau and their alian allies).

 

"i'm mainly annoyed by the complaining about teh".

We have to read it and using teh is annoying, it gives the impression that the writer is either a gangsta wannabe or uneducated, I doubt you are either. Again I appologise that I caused you offense but a little respect for your readers goes a long way.

 

Good luck with your fluff.

Regards

Nikko

[Marcus Laridius]

the "teh" thing only happens cuz I'm a fast typer. And when I'm typing regular forums posts and not stuff like my DIY or when I'm rping, it happens and i pay no mind to it.

[Ace Debonair]

Months later, Marcus was given command of the marines and initiates on the planet, stating that his use of tactics, knowledge of terrain and the planet, and lack of equipment against a well grasped enemy was worthy of praise. He was given the choice of joining whatever chapter he wanted as a commander of his own force, but turned it down with the request of creating his own chapter. He was granted his request and took upon the title of Chapter Master. Thus, the Lions of Torlak became the Desert Hunters of Torlak.

 

I don't think it works like that.

Which is to say, it doesn't work like that. :P

 

Marcus wouldn't get offered a chance to just up and join another chapter, no matter how good he was (Maybe the deathwatch, but that's not really the same thing). Chapters are for life, not just christmas. ;)

Secondly, space marines being who they are, would have basically zero respect for anyone who pops up from another chapter, ousts a respected, experienced and valued Captain, and starts dishing out orders.

 

And of course, chapters don't grow on trees. So him getting to make a brand new chapter, outside of the 26 foundings, is about as likely as a thing that is very, very unlikely.

Bah, out of good comaprisons. :D

 

It also seems a bit bizarre anyway, because basically his new chapter is the old one with a slightly different name... so it wouldn't be a new chapter, per se, would it?

 

Honestly, I'm picking up plenty of creativity in this IA, rough draft though it might be.

However, it's seriously unguided.

 

Reading the guides that have already been reccomended to you will go a long way - both are linked at the bottom of Shinzaren's first post - and they're both interesting reads, to boot. :P

[Quozzo]

I'm pretty sure its been said before but incase it hasn't; i doubt that a new scout who is "Trained under the watchful eye of the famous Sargeant Telion" will not only be given the freedom to lead a squad, (isn't that Telions job) but actually be promoted to sergeant, bypassing a Space Marine altogether. It usually takes centuries for a new space marine to be considered for promotion, and what happened to Telion? did he just give the new neophytes a battlecruiser and send them on their way?

 

their supplies wouldn't last them for a full fledged campaign

Even though their light battlecruiser had to make a landing? those things are HUGE! battle cruisers are used by the Imperial Navy, Space Marines use Battle Barges (the biggest they have) or strike cruisers. Either would supply a couple of squads with supplies for more than a few days.

 

check this

, at 2:30 thats a thunderhawk, a drop ship, the nearest in the fly-by? is a frigate, thats dwarfed by the strike cruiser and finally the battle barge comes into view. I'm surprised the battle barge itself doesn't have moons orbiting it. clearly enough supplies to last a few decades at least.