IT: Rift Lords

[Heru]

The Rift Lords believe fervently in the glory of Chaos Undivided. Their great mission is to undermine the faith of the Imperium - a mission that seems virtually impossible. However, by sneaking small squads from planet to planet via civillian transports, moving like shadows from target to target, the Rift Lords chip away the faith of the Imperium in a thousand places.

Ummm.... An 8 foot tall super human warrior is sneaking from planet to planet on normal transports? That seems a bit much...

There is a technology called a "displacer field" that can be used to mask an individual's size. A Custode uses it in Blood Games, from the Tales of Heresy book (part of the Horus Heresy series).

 

But is that something the Rift Lords would have? Or have lots of?

Who knows, I'm just putting it out there.

[Ace Debonair]

Keja, and nearly any name that uses the A after a soft consonant, sounds kind of female. Kejo, Keje, Keji, these sound a bit more masculine. Not a huge issue, just one that jumps at me.

 

Oh no homeboy didn't. :tu:

It's not a soft 'J' - it's pronounced 'Kee-Jah', but that looks ridiculous written down. :)

I'd change the name, but it's a nod to something that I'd rather not remove.

 

I'll answer the rest of the criticism with a proper update after the weekend, since I'm going to be pretty busy until then.

[Shinzaren]

Keja, and nearly any name that uses the A after a soft consonant, sounds kind of female. Kejo, Keje, Keji, these sound a bit more masculine. Not a huge issue, just one that jumps at me.

 

Oh no homeboy didn't. :tu:

It's not a soft 'J' - it's pronounced 'Kee-Jah', but that looks ridiculous written down. :P

I'd change the name, but it's a nod to something that I'd rather not remove.

 

I'll answer the rest of the criticism with a proper update after the weekend, since I'm going to be pretty busy until then.

 

Hmm, let's see if I can find this... where did I put that. Oh! Here it is!

 

Not if this whip I have here has anything to say about it. Mush boy mush!

Aha! A chance to spring your own snappy remark on you! :)

Ahem.

 

I mean, take your time if you have to. :P

 

You'll answer now! Sorry for the insult to your Sorcerer btw. The new pronunciation makes sense. I was pronouncing it "Keh-Jay"

[Ace Debonair]

Hmm, let's see if I can find this... where did I put that. Oh! Here it is!

 

Not if this whip I have here has anything to say about it. Mush boy mush!

Aha! A chance to spring your own snappy remark on you! :yes:

Ahem.

 

I mean, take your time if you have to. :P

 

You'll answer now! Sorry for the insult to your Sorcerer btw. The new pronunciation makes sense. I was pronouncing it "Keh-Jay"

Alright, I'll start answering now. It'll just take me until after the weekend to finish. ;)

Oh, and don't worry about the sorceror. I think I can talk him out of doing anything nasty to you. ^_^

[Hrvat]

After re-reading these are the things I found odd or out of place.

 

 

and have always preferred brutal, two-pronged ambushes against foes rather than pitched battles.

 

I don't think this is necesary because if you are not aware of an ambush will very rarely come from just one direction. Also it at least for me breaks the sentence and doesn't provide anything important.

 

 

either weakened from conflict

Though both are correct I preferre weakened by, as it IMO reads more flowingly (I hope you understand what I am trying to say).

 

 

even Maluk gave in to the siren promises of victory and glory, and he gave the order to attack.

Two gaves are to close together. Maybe you could change the later part of the sentece to 'ordering the attack'.

 

 

Leaving only a hundred of the least experienced

How large is this warband when you mention only and one hundred in the same sentence? In 40k 100 SM is anything but only. Also why didn't the Stounbound first engage the fleet, since that would be the sensible thing to do as well as advised by the Codex.

 

 

During this time, the Rift Lords were perpetually hunted, attacked by Imperial forces and xeno ships alike. Even Keja's psychic foresight could not keep them from the danger that threatened from every angle. During this time, even some senior Rift Lords begun to doubt in the power of the Chaos Gods.

 

You could change the 2nd during into 'While this was happening some senior Rift Lords began to doubt the power of the Chaos Gods.'

 

 

Eventually, the Rift Lords were cornered. Maluk had only one option - to abandon the Segmentum Pacificus altogether. The Chaos Lord organised his forces carefully, keeping only those who had shown unwavering devotion both to Maluk and the Chaos Gods near him, and placing the other, less stalwart Rift Lords in more perilous positions. As the Imperial forces closed in, Maluk hatched his plan. Taking only his chosen followers with him, Maluk snuck away aboard a Strike Cruiser, leaving the majority of the original warband to perish at the hands of the vengeful Imperium.

If he was cornered how did he manage to escape. Strike Cruisers are not really that small. Maybe you could reword it so that his plan is made while he is about to get cornered. So he leaves in the nick of time, allowing those who were not in his favour to cover his escape.

 

 

Constant evading of Imperial forces had left the surviving Rift Lords haggard and weary.

Constantly evading or maybe constant evasion. Also how did they manage to mask themselves as loyalists? If only the most devoute were left they would no doubt bear the gifts of the gods.

 

 

At the centre of the warp storms sat a great space hulk, desolate and empty. The Rift Lords boarded it and swept through the vast, abandoned forgeship with the practiced ease common to Astartes. At the centre they found a vast,

You could use 'In its heart...' or 'Near the core...' instead of the second one.

 

 

in exchange for prisoners taken during the Rift Lords' attacks being brought to the demon.

That last part isn't really necesary when the whole sentence is viewed.

 

 

Filled with a newfound zeal, and convinced to a man that the Gods had planned this for them, from that day the Rift Lords would be forever changed.

This just breaks the flow. Something like this might be better '... for them, the Rift Lords were forever changed.'

 

 

Slowly, cities on many planets forsaking the Imperial Creed altogether, and embracing the light of the Gods.

You are missing 'were'.

 

 

Keja's gift of foresight worked well for Maluk, allowing his forces to target weakened Imperial armies, preying on the diminshed forces like vultures picking at a carcass.

You could change first for 'operatives' while the second could be changed for 'formations'. One change would be enough to make it sound better.

 

 

Keja masterminded plans to attack the younger chapters before they could gain enough experience to match the veteran Rift Lords, aiming to mitigate the addition of fresh forces in the north.

I guess it should be 'aimed'.

 

 

Beliefs:

You mention Rift Lords 15 times in 21 sentance. Try and break that up a bit with other words.

 

Organisation:

The same problem with 9/10.

 

 

Overall an interesting IT about a group whose modus operandi is very close to that of the Alpha Legion minus the worship of gods part.

 

 

Cheers

 

Hrvat

[Ace Debonair]

Phew, well I finished the update.

It took longer than I expected, and I had to re-write a few bits to make more sense when I realised that they didn't actually say what I wanted them to say. ;)

 

Hrvat, Shinzaren, thanks for the read-through.

This is looking better each time it gets torn up and stuck back together. ^_^

 

Hopefully I've dealt with everything that needed dealing with, but I bet there's a few new mistakes in there to make up for it. :)

 

All opinions, comments, criticism and bowling-ball-impressions welcomed.

[Ace Debonair]

Well, I left this for a bit so I could write a fun story and enjoy ominous threats of a gruesome death, but it's time to get back to work. ;)

 

I've added a sidebar about the siege of the Red Fortress, but I don't honestly know if it's any good.

What with that and the other, earlier updates that went un-noticed, I'm sure there's plenty for everyone to tear into. ;)

[Tyrannicide]

Hey Ace!

 

I feel that you may need a stronger transition into the 'Avenging Angels' section of the article. All of sudden the reader is introduced into a battle, and there's no idea of how large the Rift Lords actually number. Of course don't give us the exacts, but it felt sort of unconvincing when reading about how the Rift Lords destroy an entire Chapter, withering them down to Company-strength. I think painting an image of how powerful the Rift Lords were at one time would be a beneficial idea in the introduction of their story.

 

Also, I'm sorry if you described this but is Keja a former Astartes? If so, I think it could be cool to make him an outsider within the Rift Lords. Maybe he's an instrumental sorcerer, who once called loyalists Astartes brothers? A rogue Librarian who was lured to the power of the Chaos Gods, and spat on his oaths to the Emperor and his former Chapter? I felt it could maybe add a little to his deceptive, worm-like charm! :)

 

 

Anyways, it was an interesting read. While there's more you can chop and add to, I liked it. Good work, man. ;)

[Ace Debonair]

Hey Ace!

 

I feel that you may need a stronger transition into the 'Avenging Angels' section of the article. All of sudden the reader is introduced into a battle, and there's no idea of how large the Rift Lords actually number. Of course don't give us the exacts, but it felt sort of unconvincing when reading about how the Rift Lords destroy an entire Chapter, withering them down to Company-strength. I think painting an image of how powerful the Rift Lords were at one time would be a beneficial idea in the introduction of their story.

 

Also, I'm sorry if you described this but is Keja a former Astartes? If so, I think it could be cool to make him an outsider within the Rift Lords. Maybe he's an instrumental sorcerer, who once called loyalists Astartes brothers? A rogue Librarian who was lured to the power of the Chaos Gods, and spat on his oaths to the Emperor and his former Chapter? I felt it could maybe add a little to his deceptive, worm-like charm! ;)

 

 

Anyways, it was an interesting read. While there's more you can chop and add to, I liked it. Good work, man. :P

I actually plan to write a story explaining more about Keja. It'd be like a supplementary thing to the IT, perhaps.

I'm glad you liked it, although it's technically not even a finished draft yet - I have room for another sidebar, although I don't know what should be in it. ;)

 

Of course, if anyone has any ideas as to what should be in the sidebar, I'd like to hear 'em. ^_^

[Guest Mordray]

You should do a side bar about the daemon... perhaps even by the daemon...

[Ace Debonair]

You should do a side bar about the daemon... perhaps even by the daemon...

Talking about what, though?

I don't really know what I could do with a daemon-sidebar that would productively add anything. :(

[Guest Mordray]

It could expand upon his/her/it's relationship with the Rift Lords and hint at it's end goals. Goals that could even place the Traitors in 'mortal' harm should they come into being.

 

Of course I'm a story teller at heart and like the idea of seeding bits of ...(meta?)... plot into an IA to hint at events to come and stories in waiting.

[Ace Debonair]

It could expand upon his/her/it's relationship with the Rift Lords and hint at it's end goals. Goals that could even place the Traitors in 'mortal' harm should they come into being.

 

Of course I'm a story teller at heart and like the idea of seeding bits of ...(meta?)... plot into an IA to hint at events to come and stories in waiting.

 

That would be cool. The downside is that (after having tried a few different approaches) I can't write anything that reads well and involves daemons. Heck, I don't even know what this critter should look like, forget giving it a name or a defined objective to hint at.

 

I think I'm going to have to try something else for my second sidebar. ;)

Maybe something showing The Voice talking to a small but important group of civilians, and swaying them to the worship of the Great Gods?

[Heru]

That would be cool. The downside is that (after having tried a few different approaches) I can't write anything that reads well and involves daemons. Heck, I don't even know what this critter should look like, forget giving it a name or a defined objective to hint at.

That is probably because I was the one who came up with the Daemon in the first place. ;)

 

Really Ace, your too much of a loyalist at heart. ;)

Edited November 24, 2010 by Heru Talon

[Ace Debonair]

That would be cool. The downside is that (after having tried a few different approaches) I can't write anything that reads well and involves daemons. Heck, I don't even know what this critter should look like, forget giving it a name or a defined objective to hint at. <_<

That is probably because I was the one who came up with the Daemon in the first place. :P

 

Really Ace, your too much of a loyalist at heart. :(

Well, I have no witty comeback for that because you're spot on. :D

 

My ignorance on the subject of demons is matched only by my lack of ability to write a convincing villainous dialogue, which means if I write a villainous dialogue concerning a demon, it's pretty much an exercise in failure. :huh:

[Aurelius Rex]

Quick thought - why are they called the Rift Lords? Their current home is very 'rift-like' - an area that is a sliver away from the Immaterium - but I take it that they were named this before they found this place.

 

Oh, and another... I may have been outpaced by events, but could their (gene-seed) flaw be that this location, while it provides safety from hunting Imperial forces, is actually really corrupting on the body and gene-seed? I would imagine that such a place would be broadly equivalent to hiding out around a nuclear reactor that has recently gone critical... the 'authorities' are not going to come too close, but it isn't too good for your health! Could the Daemon be helping to protect them from the worst excesses of this - or at least say he is doing it even if he isn't. :)

[Ace Debonair]

Haha, They're called the Rift Lords because I like the name, mostly. The stuff with the Shroud is actually a happy coincidence. :tu:

In their earliest form, I had this chapter down as Nightmare's Claws, but it was a bit unwieldy, and not exactly a name that a potential convert to Chaos (with any sense) would follow. :tu:

 

The only fact that can be pinned down about the Rift Lords' geneseed is that in recent years, several members of the warband have succumbed to failures in various organs, seemingly at random. This trend is rare in the older Rift Lords, but has slowly become more and more prevalent amongst the newer recruits as they age and grow. By Maluk's orders, anyone found discussing this matter will be killed immediately, and their corpse fed to the demon aboard the Runefaust.

I recently quietly added a bit of geneseed degradation, right at the end. I haven't explicitly linked the cause to the Shroud, or even the demon, but then I hadn't really thought of a cause for the geneseed degrading. It's mostly really there to balance some of the 'awesome' aspects of the warband, although I don't know how well it succeeds. :)

 

Actually, I really like the idea that on the surface the Rift Lords appear to be thriving, but a closer inspection reveals they could quite possibly be coming closer to the brink of death.

I must try and work a few more things like that in. :P

 

EDIT: I just realised I missed the point - having something that hints more explicitly at the Rift Lords' possible approaching demise in a sidebar would be awesome, especially since I could hide it down near the end of the IA.

Oh, and thanks for reading through, guys. Muchly appreciated! :o

 

EDIT EDIT:

 

Ace Debonair, champion of the last-minute inspiration, interrupts his own post to add that he's FINALLY written a second sidebar, and shuftied the order around on the sections a bit.

Oh, and added a battlecry.

 

Any and all opinions, thoughts, criticism or other related comments most definitely welcome and encouraged!

Edited November 25, 2010 by Ace Debonair

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I recently quietly added a bit of geneseed degradation, right at the end. I haven't explicitly linked the cause to the Shroud, or even the demon, but then I hadn't really thought of a cause for the geneseed degrading. It's mostly really there to balance some of the 'awesome' aspects of the warband, although I don't know how well it succeeds. :blush:

This sounds like what I try to do 90% of the time with the Sons :D

 

I'll look over this in a bit.

[Ace Debonair]

This sounds like what I try to do 90% of the time with the Sons :P

 

I'll look over this in a bit.

It's not as easy as it looks, is it? :)

Ah well, I'll just await the merciless devastation of my latest mistakes. :P

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

This sounds like what I try to do 90% of the time with the Sons :P

 

I'll look over this in a bit.

It's not as easy as it looks, is it? :)

Ah well, I'll just await the merciless devastation of my latest mistakes. :P

Not by a mile, mon ami.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I went through everything but the History and Origins.

 

In the room behind lay an even greater wonder - a demon, bound within a golden cage. It whispered of how the Rift Lords could earn the favour of the Gods, and how they may even topple the dominion of the False Emperor. The demon eventually revealed it could read the deadly warp storms, effectively granting the Rift Lords safe passage in and out of the Shroud, in exchange for prisoners taken during the Rift Lords' attacks.

 

 

'raises eyebrow at spelling of daemon'

 

Slowly, cities on many planets began forsaking the Imperial Creed altogether, and embracing the light of the Gods.

 

 

Many planets? Many hives, and a few planets would be better.

 

The Rift Lords were able to use their new allies to deadly effect, comitting them to battles against heavily defended Imperial bastions or even Space Marine forces.

 

 

Their new allies wouldn't like this. I would reccomend there being some unrest.

 

"People of Larn, you have grown weak and corrupt! Your faith is wasted on a decaying, powerless corpse! Why not pray to Gods who will listen? Follow the path of the Great Gods, and you too can be saved!" - Excerpt from a recording of The Voice preaching to the people of Larn.

 

 

This sounds like the script for a bad commercial.

 

The Rift Lords are also wary of other warbands who venerate only one of the Great Gods, decrying their perceived lack of vision. While Maluk will allow such warbands to shelter within the Shroud, generally they must continually prove themselves useful to remain there for any length of time.

 

 

Shouldn't all the warbands have to do this?

 

[rightsidebar----rightsidebar]

 

 

Partially, what I say below. The other part... well... It just doesn't feel right. This whole dialogue seems off. If the Riftmark was truly angry, he would remove Keja's face. If Keja truly cared about the fate of the Riftmark, he would tell him something to put his mind at ease (like I say below) instead of warning him.

 

The only fact that can be pinned down about the Rift Lords' geneseed is that in recent years, several members of the warband have succumbed to failures in various organs, seemingly at random. This trend is rare in the older Rift Lords, but has slowly become more and more prevalent amongst the newer recruits as they age and grow. By Maluk's orders, anyone found discussing this matter will be killed immediately, and their corpse fed to the demon aboard the Runefaust.

 

 

Then Maluk is clearly an idiot :P If he truly didn't want them to talk about it, he would tell them something, probably lies, but lies that would put the rank and file at ease.

 

Also, he wouldn't waste working geneseed on a daemon.

 

"Attacks the enemy do not see are ones they cannot guard against. And then they will die gloriously." - Coramus Alther.

 

 

Why do they care that the enemy dies gloriously? :huh:

 

Maluk, and the warband as a whole, learned many lessons from the siege of the Red Fortress. They never under-estimate other Astartes, and almost never engage them without the support of other warbands. In these instances, the Rift Lords usually only appear in force once the battle is joined, striking at an unprotected flank. In return for the services of these ally warbands, Riftmarks often delegate a few squads of Rift Lords to aid their allies in the prosecution of battles against their hated enemies.

 

 

So, it's a "You help me first, then I'll help you" situation? In which case, most Chaos Lords wouldn't just throw their marine's lives away. Instead of sending a few marines, perhaps ease of access through the Shroud?

 

 

"Let your faith be proclaimed, children of the Great Gods! Let the enemies of the divine tremble at the sound of our approach!" - The Voice, exhorting armed converts to engage loyalist forces.

This gave me the mental image of...

 

A squad of Rift Lords, led by their Voice, charged the enemy. The Voice began to proclaim, "Let your faith be proclaimed, children of the Great Gods! Let the enemies of th-" BU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DU

 

Geuss what cut such a long battlecry short ;)

[Ace Debonair]

"Let your faith be proclaimed, children of the Great Gods! Let the enemies of the divine tremble at the sound of our approach!" - The Voice, exhorting armed converts to engage loyalist forces.

This gave me the mental image of...

 

A squad of Rift Lords, led by their Voice, charged the enemy. The Voice began to proclaim, "Let your faith be proclaimed, children of the Great Gods! Let the enemies of th-" BU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DU-DU

 

Geuss what cut such a long battlecry short ;)

Well, I'd guess it was cut short by someone reading the actual battlecry, which is underneath the snazzy quote for the section that you were reading out. ;)

 

Although it could be a crazed barbershop quartet. :D

 

I went back and corrected the rest of the mistakes you discovered, and altered other bits to actually say what I wanted them to say. :P

 

About the enemy dying gloriously, though. I rather meant it in the context of 'they will die, and the glory will go to our Gods', but writing it out looks kinda silly. And just having 'and they will die' reads like a really stereotypical villain, too. So, I've left it as it is for now, until I can come up with something better. ^_^

 

Also, the bit with the Voice reciting aloud is actually a nod to one of the things that inspired the warband, so I haven't changed that yet. ;)

 

But, post #1 is updated with a shiny new, er, update.

Any thoughts, comments, criticism or opinions welcomed.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

I'm still here by the way Ace, waiting in the wings, lurking and tracking the progress of the Rift Lords. ;)

 

Actually this is the first time I've had the moment to comment in a while and it is, typically, in the wee hours before I have to get up for work in a few scant others.

 

Just wanted to say I like what I see and I wish I could help more but I'm a little bit busy. I have written for traitors (as characters) before so I'd have liked to give the Demon a bit of a bash but it looks like that isn't going to happen.

 

No you didn't ask me to but I would have enjoyed the writing!

 

Anyway, I'll be back, just you wait and see! :lol:

[Ace Debonair]

I'm still here by the way Ace, waiting in the wings, lurking and tracking the progress of the Rift Lords. :)

That's fair enough. You don't want them to get the drop on your Blazing Sons, now, do you? :)

 

Actually this is the first time I've had the moment to comment in a while and it is, typically, in the wee hours before I have to get up for work in a few scant others.

Best time there is to comment. ^_^

 

Just wanted to say I like what I see and I wish I could help more but I'm a little bit busy. I have written for traitors (as characters) before so I'd have liked to give the Demon a bit of a bash but it looks like that isn't going to happen.

 

No you didn't ask me to but I would have enjoyed the writing!

 

Anyway, I'll be back, just you wait and see! :o

Hey, if you want to take a shot at throwing together a demon-themed sidebar, I'll be the last guy to stop you. :)

I'm aware the sidebar I've got right now is only so-so. :tu:

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Hey, if you want to take a shot at throwing together a demon-themed sidebar, I'll be the last guy to stop you. ;)

I'm aware the sidebar I've got right now is only so-so. :jaw:

 

Because I'm aware that GHY is otherwise engaged with that thing called a "life", I'll throw my hat in for this.. What kind of thing/personality do you want for it, sirrah?