IA: White Hand Chapter v2.2

[Ecritter]

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c162/ecritter/Space%20Marines/whitehandsmall.png IA: White Hand Chapter

Edited November 10, 2010 by Ecritter

[Ecritter]

Okay, here's the White Hand as they appear now. Lots of mistakes that I want to fix.

 

No training cadre ... I'm thinking of using the Grey Knights (but not their geneseed of course)?

 

Rewriting to make it more like better IAs.

[Hrvat]

I will get back with comments a bit later, it is good to see the pious inmates back in action :tu:

 

Considering their Beliefs you could connect them to both Grey Knights and Sisters of Battle. I can envision SoB and your guys being friendly to each other considering SoB would not know the truth of the distant past of the people White Hands recruit from.

 

For many years, the Order of the White Hand had been observed by a few individuals on Terra with great interest. They were renown for their devotion and love of the god-Emperor. Segmentum Obscurus, where Zel Primus lay, had always been the home of many of the Imperium's problems, and early in the thirty-sixth millennium of man the Order was added to the great history of the Space Marines of the Legiones Astartes to bolster defenses in this hard pressed region. All members of the Disciples are drawn from worthy initiates within the Order. They undergo the Rites of the Order to join the Disciples as Space Marines.

 

The Disciples remain members of the Order of the White Hand, and as such serve the Order's Grand Master. Though it is possible for a Disciple to become Grand Master it is rare, due to the relatively small size of the Chapter in relation to the Order as a whole. At least once in the Order's history, it has been led by a Disciple. Chapter vessels are manned by brothers from the Order and are considered as equals to the Disciples in every way.

 

The second part of the first paragraph is confusing. I am also not sure but the last two sentances seem as if they were writen in the wrong tense. The second paragraph lost me completely.

 

Is a Disciple just another word for a battle-brother or something else?

 

I can accept that Logar didn't want those marines killed and sent them somewhere out of reach, but sending them to Terra to do the very thing Emperor forbade them to do and was against the Imperial Truth just breaks a very nice story for me. Something far more probable would be if Logar droped (without equipment) the unwanted on Zel Primus, Imperials later added other malcontnetns there without even checking where the loyalty of these Word Bearers lied. The premise for this idea to me is that Logar wanted these brethren alive to witness the fall of the Emperor and despair as their illusion of Emperors Divinty gets crushed by the power of Chaos.

 

 

The monastery is completely unheated and in the middle of the frozen wastes and visitors find it a frigid place, but true believers find it warm and comforting.

 

One of the two ands break the flow of the sentace, maybe you could reword it?

 

 

In the beliefs and organsation sections are some things that seem a bit to much.

 

 

They throw themselves into battle with no regard for their safety and they never retreat from a foe.

 

This doctrine has more then once brought them to near extinction.

 

The Disciples today prefer close quarter combat. Their assault squads are reserved for the most experienced and proficient members of the chapter.

 

The final phase of becoming a Space Marine, the gaining of the geneseed. Many that undergo this rite do not survive.

 

With their high mortality rate, the Disciples only field five over-sized companies when at full strength.

 

Unlike many other Space Marine Chapters, Tactical Squads are not the base from which the army is formed. The Disciples prefer close combat and for this reason the Assault Squads are the pinnacle of the Disciples army.

 

This in itself isn't bad but the problem comes from the fact that a very similar thing is mention really often over a small portion of the article. Even if there are only 5 companies at full strength I find it hard to invision such a chapter functioning at all, which is sad because I like their theme a lot.

 

If casulties are high, than recruitment needs to be high. As long as there is an equal number of recruits and casulties it doesn't matter how many marines you have (it is the same if you have 500 or 5000) but if there are more casulties than recruits no matter how many or how few marines you have they will be on a constant decline just waiting to be anihilated. This is puzzling because you tell us that they have been brought to extinction before but managed to overcome it. How is that possible with such an approach and beliefs? The refusal of geneseed is a much bigger problem than what seams at first. For each such marine not only have you lost the zygote implanted into that individual but also 2 future zygotes which is a huge loss to a Chapter.

 

 

If you wish to maintain the Assault squad theme (I guess that also means rapid assault considering the nature of Assault squad movement) why not have them relly on Land Speeders for heavy weapons support.

 

 

Overall a very interesting chapter with great potential for development with things that jump at you.

 

 

If I have read correctly White Hands are Crusader Zealot Shaolin Monks in Space and that is cool.

 

 

 

Cheers

 

Hrvat

Edited October 31, 2010 by Hrvat

[Ecritter]

Okay, I'm doing this one section at a time. First section (opening) done. Its gonna be a complete (mostly) rewrite ... so ignore the old IA for now.

[Shinzaren]

Opening quote reminds me of Proximo from Gladiator.

[Hrvat]

Nooooooooo! :)

 

The White Hand was a really cool name. Righteous Defenders just sounds so generic when Space Marines are concerned, well at least in my opinion.

 

 

What made you change the name?

[Octavulg]

Righteous Defenders is also a hell of a mouthful.

 

Stick with White Hand Chapter at this point. It's better than Righteous Defenders.

 

If you want to simplify, just call them the White Hands.

[Dexter Kong]

I have to admit, the White Hand is an extremely cool name, and leaves the door open for extremely cool heraldry. I would really stick with it if I were you.

[Ecritter]

Oh come on ... everyone hated the name White Hand before, now I change it and everyone wants it back :)

 

Really the name, and later other things change to match the new feel (still pious decendents of Word Bears though) of the Chapter.

 

PS: White Hands never fit with old or new feel.

 

EDIT: Updated Origins up for review.

Edited November 2, 2010 by Ecritter

[Hrvat]

My comment about the Hidden Truth still stands. Your explanation breaks the shared universe. I am ok with every person having their own little version of 40k it is just a question if you want to be part of the shared univerese or are you making your own.

 

Cheers

[Ecritter]

My comment about the Hidden Truth still stands. Your explanation breaks the shared universe. I am ok with every person having their own little version of 40k it is just a question if you want to be part of the shared univerese or are you making your own.

 

Cheers

 

I have a two part answer for that.

 

First, the Emperor never told the Word Bearers not to worship him. From all I've read, he told them to stop pausing on each and every planet to build temples and convert the masses. He wanted them to get on with the Great Crusade. So having a small contingent of marines build a temple on Terra while the Legion got on with the crusade was not disobeying the Emperor.

 

Second and most importantly, as I eluded in the IA, the reason Logar sent the marines to Terra was to hide what he was really doing. To all it appeared that he was loyal and continuing as normal ... when in reality he was worshiping Chaos and plotting.

 

I hope that answers your question, if not let me know.

 

EDIT: I did add a part to better explain the deception.

Edited November 2, 2010 by Ecritter

[Hrvat]

The thing is that before the Heresy Imperial Truth ruled. There were no Gods, Emperor was just a man. By allowing the Word Bearers to build a temple on Terra Emperor and the Sigilite would be going against the Imperial Truth.

 

From "the last Church" and "Descent of Angels" we get a very good view point into religion. Emperor despises religion while Dark Angels became very aggitated even agressive to the Calibanite locals that might have considered Emperor godlike. So apart from Word Bearers naming Emperor god would be beyond imagination, not to mention against the law. World had been cleansed for less during the Crusade.

 

 

Cheers

 

Hrvat

[Ecritter]

The thing is that before the Heresy Imperial Truth ruled. There were no Gods, Emperor was just a man. By allowing the Word Bearers to build a temple on Terra Emperor and the Sigilite would be going against the Imperial Truth.

 

From "the last Church" and "Descent of Angels" we get a very good view point into religion. Emperor despises religion while Dark Angels became very aggitated even agressive to the Calibanite locals that might have considered Emperor godlike. So apart from Word Bearers naming Emperor god would be beyond imagination, not to mention against the law. World had been cleansed for less during the Crusade.

 

 

Cheers

 

Hrvat

 

From what I've read, the Emperor was indeed not happy with the Word Bearers worshiping him ... but allowed it as long as they continued the crusade. He let it go on for over 1 century before even calling them out on it the first time.

 

Would it be more believealbe if I moved the new temple to another world ... and if so which one? Has to be well within the view of the Emperor and High Council for the plan to work.

 

If not, I'll have to find another reason for them to be on Terra.

Edited November 2, 2010 by Ecritter

[Octavulg]

Why be explicit about the Word Bearers and how they came to be at all? If you just hint at it, you don't have to explain these things.

[Ecritter]

I feel the Word Bearer history is important to the Chapter, it will become more clear as later parts are posted.

 

The White Hand Chapter is back.

 

Not on Terra to build a temple anymore, just there to study the Imperial Truth now.

[Ecritter]

Founding is up for review, also a proposed new sidebar. Thoughts?

 

Brother against Brother

The smoke of battle swirled madly around the marine. He was hurt, near death, and blood seeped out of his cracked power armor. He was alone, alone in the since that his brothers were nowhere to be seen, but surrounded by Word Bears, their armor adorned with the symbol of a burning book ... and they taunted him.

 

”You are lost young one.” One of the Chaos Marines called to him. ”But it does not have to be this way. Join us and embrace the mighty power of Chaos. Otherwise you die. Decide now.”

 

That of course, was no option for the marine. His teaching told him that his only salvation lay with the god-Emperor. Only he could deliver him, in life or in death.

 

Slowly he raised his hand to his chest, grasping the small metal tube that hang there. Inside was the smallest sliver of bone. A prized honor given him by his brothers. Suddenly the pain was gone, and he raised his head and called out in a voice that was not his own.

 

”I am Brother Caspin Nor, a true Word Bearer and you are wrong. It is you that will die for your crimes today.”

 

With a sudden flash, his armor grew a blinding white and psychic bolts flew from his body striking the heretic Word Bearers. It was over in only a blink of the eye. All that remained was the young marine, his armor smoking. The Chaos Marines all lay dead around him.

 

The marine stood for only a moment, then collapsed as his life departed him. He had found salvation and the god-Emperor welcomed him home.

 

It goes with the new feel of the Chapter.

Edited November 3, 2010 by Ecritter

[Octavulg]

I like it. But I think the story (generally) would be more interesting if you developed the influences of the Word Bearers without making their origins apparent.

 

Subtext and hints are almost always better than text and facts.

Edited November 3, 2010 by Octavulg

[Ecritter]

How about this? Now the only thing that would show them as Word Bearers is the Burning Book symbol.

 

Brother against Brother

The smoke of battle swirled madly around the marine. He was hurt, near death, and blood seeped out of his cracked power armor. He was alone, alone in the since that his brothers were nowhere to be seen, but surrounded by Chaos Marines, their armor adorned with the symbol of a burning book ... and they taunted him.

 

”You are lost young one.” One of the Chaos Marines called to him. ”But it does not have to be this way. Join us and embrace the mighty power of Chaos the true gods. Otherwise you die. Decide now.”

 

That of course, was no option for the marine. His teaching told him that his only salvation lay with the god-Emperor. Only he could deliver him, in life or in death.

 

Slowly he raised his hand to his chest, grasping the small metal tube that hang there. Inside was the smallest sliver of bone. A prized honor given him by his brothers. Suddenly the pain was gone, and he raised his head and called out in a voice that was not his own.

 

”I am Brother Caspin Nor, a true Word Bearer and you are wrong. It is you that will die for your crimes today.”

 

With a sudden flash, his armor grew a blinding white and psychic bolts flew from his body striking the heretics. It was over in only a blink of the eye. All that remained was the young marine, his armor smoking. The Chaos Marines all lay dead around him.

 

The marine stood for only a moment, then collapsed as his life departed him. He had found salvation and the god-Emperor welcomed him home.

Edited November 3, 2010 by Ecritter

[Octavulg]

Try 'a true bearer of the Emperor's word'.

 

I think that'd do it.

[Ecritter]

how about this? kind of a mix of your idea, but I still want it clear who is really speaking through the marine.

 

EDIT: changed their crimes to their heresy.

 

Brother against Brother

The smoke of battle swirled madly around the marine. He was hurt, near death, and blood seeped out of his cracked power armor. He was alone, alone in the since that his brothers were nowhere to be seen, but surrounded by Chaos Marines, their armor adorned with the symbol of a burning book ... and they taunted him.

 

”You are lost young one.” One of the Chaos Marines called to him. ”But it does not have to be this way. Join us and embrace the mighty power of Chaos the true gods. Otherwise you die. Decide now.”

 

That of course, was no option for the marine. His teaching told him that his only salvation lay with the god-Emperor. Only he could deliver him, in life or in death.

 

Slowly he raised his hand to his chest, grasping the small metal tube that hang there. Inside was the smallest sliver of bone. A prized honor given him by his brothers. Suddenly the pain was gone, and he raised his head and called out in a voice that was not his own.

 

”I am Brother Caspin Nor, a true believer in the god-Emperor and you are wrong. You are not the brothers I remember and it is you that will die for your heresy today.”

 

With a sudden flash, his armor grew a blinding white and psychic bolts flew from his body striking the heretics. It was over in only a blink of the eye. All that remained was the young marine, his armor smoking. The Chaos Marines all lay dead around him.

 

The marine stood for only a moment, then collapsed as his life departed him. He had found salvation and the god-Emperor welcomed him home.

Edited November 3, 2010 by Ecritter

[Ferrus Manus]

I like it, but this bit makes no sense:

 

'He was alone, alone in the since that his brothers were nowhere to be seen,'

 

Alone in the what?

[Ecritter]

I like it, but this bit makes no sense:

 

'He was alone, alone in the since that his brothers were nowhere to be seen,'

 

Alone in the what?

 

Its the wrong word, sorry. Should be sence.

[Octavulg]

I think mine was actually clearer.

 

A true bearer of the Emperor's word?

 

Either'd work, though. ;)

 

I'd recommend calling the psychic bolts something else, though. It doesn't feel mystical and spiritual enough.

Edited November 3, 2010 by Octavulg

[Ecritter]

I think mine was actually clearer.

 

A true bearer of the Emperor's word?

 

Either'd work, though. ;)

 

I'd recommend calling the psychic bolts something else, though. It doesn't feel mystical and spiritual enough.

 

I actually missed that reference the first time (I work nights and kinda tired now) I like it, I'll use a bastardized version of it.

 

Bolts are now 'heavenly bolts of pure energy' now.

 

I think that about wraps up the sidebar. Any comments on the new 'Founding' section?

 

Brother against Brother

The smoke of battle swirled madly around the marine. He was hurt, near death, and blood seeped out of his cracked power armor. He was alone, alone in the sense that his brothers were nowhere to be seen, but surrounded by Chaos Marines, their armor adorned with the symbol of a burning book ... and they taunted him.

 

”You are lost young one.” One of the Chaos Marines called to him. ”But it does not have to be this way. Join us and embrace the mighty power of Chaos the true gods. Otherwise you die. Decide now.”

 

That of course, was no option for the marine. His teaching told him that his only salvation lay with the god-Emperor. Only he could deliver him, in life or in death.

 

Slowly he raised his hand to his chest, grasping the small metal tube that hang there. Inside was the smallest sliver of bone. A prized honor given him by his brothers. Suddenly the pain was gone, and he raised his head and called out in a voice that was not his own.

 

”I am Brother Caspin Nor, a true bearer of the god-Emperor's word. You are not the brothers I remember and you are wrong. It is you that will die for your heresy today.”

 

With a sudden flash, his armor grew a blinding white and heavenly bolts of pure energy flew from his body striking the heretics. It was over in only a blink of the eye. All that remained was the young marine, his armor smoking. The Chaos Marines all lay dead around him.

 

The marine stood for only a moment, then collapsed as his life departed him. He had found salvation and the god-Emperor welcomed him home.

[Octavulg]

Excellent. I like the way you threw god in there, works in the divinity smoothly.