IA: White Hand Chapter v2.2

[Ecritter]

Excellent. I like the way you threw god in there, works in the divinity smoothly.

 

Glad you like it, as with most things it came to me in my sleep .. the whole sidebar that is.

 

I hope by now everyone is seeing the 'darker' pious chapter I'm working on here ... along with fixing the many flaws the chapter had before.

[Ecritter]

1st draft of proposed final version is now up for review.

[Ecritter]

I think I'll replace the Chapter Symbol with the newest one I made on the next update .... if anyone ever gives me C&C. :blush:

 

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c162/ecritter/Space%20Marines/whtest3.png

[Shinzaren]

I will give you a total C&C after dinner? So, I dunno, 4ish hours? If you can wait that long :blush:

[Shinzaren]

On one such penal world, the Great Teachers arose. They were huge, towering, brutes of immense strength and speed. It is said they brought civilization back to the uncivilized. Crimes around them came to an end, whether it was due to respect or fear is not known. These Great Teachers saw the Emperor as a god among men and as time passed they began to share that belief with the other inmates. They taught them how to free their minds from a world where their bodies were forever locked away

Your previous statement says all those who moved against the Emperor got dumped on Penal worlds. Now, on these Penal Worlds, people who love the Emperor are just showing up and taking the lead?

 

Lorgar was an unusually pious Primarch. While other Legions were rapidly conquering planet after planet, the Word Bearers proceeded much more slowly, as they would build temples and shrines in veneration of the Emperor, who was also deemed the God of the Imperium by Lorgar, on each newly conquered planet. All forms of blasphemy and heresy that threatened the Emperor's realm, all manner of ancient scrolls, books, artworks and icons were burned and smashed before the advancing ranks of the Legion. In their place, vast monuments and cathedrals, all dedicated to the Emperor, were erected upon the mounds of dead of those who had resisted conversion. The greatest Chaplains of the Legion produced enormous works on the divinity and righteousness of the Emperor, and Lorgar himself delivered countless speeches and sermons, converting millions to the Emperor with his words alone.

 

However, the Emperor was not pleased with the lack of progress the Word Bearers were showing, and was even more dismayed at their religious zeal; one of the main goals of the Great Crusade was to free Humanity from the ignorance of religion. And so the Emperor personally reprimanded Lorgar, informing him that the mission of the Space Marines was for battle, not faith. Lorgar was said to mourn the Emperor's command for a month, speaking to nobody, wearing only the barest robes. The Emperor was about to reprimand the Legion again for their lack of action when news reached him that the Word Bearers had gone back on the offensive, and this time, worlds fell before them in rapid order.

 

After being admonished by the Emperor, Lorgar changed and turned to the Chaos Gods. He knew that not all his marines would turn to the Chaos, but rather then just slaughtering them like other fallen Primarchs did he had other plans. As pious as Lorgar was, he was just as wise and devious. He sent the marines he knew would not turn to Terra, his orders were for them to study the Imperial Truth so that they could share with their brothers.

 

The work of these loyal Word Bearers did much to cover Lorgar's plans from suspicious eyes and minds. While Lorgar continued the Great Crusade halfheartedly, these marines gave him time, time to plot. When Horus turned against the Emperor in the name of Chaos, Lorgar and his treacherous Word Bearers quickly joined the rebellion, and the worlds they had conquered since their conversion also joined, having been secretly corrupted by the Word Bearers.

 

Lorgar himself lead part of his Legion against Terra, where he helped smash down the realm of the master he had once served with the fanaticism of a zealot. The Word Bearer Space Marines, around one thousands, at the Temple on Terra remained loyal to the Emperor and fought against their Primarch and brothers. In the end, Horus was defeated, and the legions of Chaos were forced to flee. The Word Bearers were also forced to retreat to the Eye of Terror, and there they have remained, returning to the Imperium to raid, pillage, and destroy.

This just seems to be slightly reworded rehash of the Word Bearers' IA? Is it really necessary? I think this could be condensed to:

 

"Lorgar's tale of treachery and betrayal is well known. The less known story is of the small contingent of Word Bearers who remained loyal to the Emperor. Unwilling to tip his hand to earlier, or reveal his radically shifted alliance, Lorgar sent these loyal marines to Terra, under the guise of studying the Imperial Truth. It was these marines who inadvertently did the most to cover the treachery of their brothers. These loyalist Word Bearers did many good works, generating much good will for their Legion, good will that Lorgar would twist and abuse in the coming days of the Crusade. When the Horus Heresy exploded, these loyal marines stood with their Emperor, eventually battling their own brothers at the final battle of the Siege of Terra."

 

In the end, it was the survivors own words that damned them. The survivors felt true guilt for Lorgar and their brother's actions. The survivors were held accountable, convicted of belonging to a heretic legion and sentenced to be imprisoned for life. They were locked away where they could do no harm to the Imperium. It was those 18 loyal Word Bearers that were the Great Teachers, founders of the Order on Zel Primus.

If they were convicted of this, why wouldn't they just be put to death? It's like the Imperium is real big on mercy...

 

Under direct orders of the High Lords, the Adeptus Mechanicus called upon the venerated Grey Knights Chapter of the Adeptus Astartes to train a new chapter of Space Marines as part of the 19th Founding. The Grey Knight training cadre of aged veterans, along with an Inquisitor of the Ordo Malleus, were provided geneseed from an unspecified source and ordered to travel to Zel Primus. Once there, they were to coordinate with the Order housed there and recruit for a chapter to be known as the White Hand.

And there it goes. Sorry, but that just does not vibe. Grey Knights trained chapter? I just... Cannot get behind this, sorry. Not trying to just too harshly or anything, but this seems entirely unnecessary. Inquisitorial presence, yes. Grey Knights... No. Please.

Song of Redemption - Prior to a battle, the Company Chaplain leads the troops in the Song of Redemption. This prepares the company to fight the enemies of the Emperor and die with honor. By the time the battle starts, they all act with a single mind. They press forward and fight till either the battle is won or they are dead. The sound of their singing continues to reverberate across the battle line as they fight and does not end until the battle is done.

 

Ritual of Combat – From the beginning, the Great Teachers taught the other inmates that a strong body was as important as a strong mind. Like the Shaolin monks of old, they practice the martial arts daily to build their bodies and calm their minds.

 

Ritual of Cleansing – The flesh is weak and driven to sin. Only through pain can it be purged. The bodies of the members of the Order and chapter are covered with scars from years of self mutilation and cleansing.

 

Rites of the Order - The final phase of becoming a Space Marine, the gaining of the geneseed. Many that undergo this rite do not survive. It is believed that they have found favor in the eyes of the Emperor. The rest were unworthy and returned as Space Marines so that they may, through heroic deeds, find the much sought favor.

 

Death Rites – Death is celebrated as a release from sin and the torment of life. Funerals are a celebration and not a time of mourning. Anyone outside the Order or chapter would find this highly disturbing to say the least.

 

Bones of the Great Teachers - The bones of the Great Teachers are objects of reverence. The skulls watch over the main hall of the temple. One bone, normally a finger bone, is presented to each company of the Chapter and adorns its battle standard and small slivers of bone are awarded to the most honored. Until the loss of the 4th company, no bones have ever been lost.

 

Librium Veritate - The Book of the Truth. Written by the Teachers before their deaths. The original is kept in the monastery and copies are carried by company Chaplains.

These are cool and all, but I think they might be better served in a sidebar. They don't add a lot to the IA or the feel of the Chapter. A sidebar is definitely a good spot.

 

 

The White Hand Chapter prefers close quarter combat. Their assault squads are reserved for the most experienced and proficient members of the chapter. They throw themselves at the enemy in waves and its said that they have never retreated from battle. Though they often suffer great losses, they do not see this as a drawback. Their belief that to die in battle serving the Emperor is the path to redemption drives them forward.

This seems to just be a collection of facts and sentences. No real good flow between the sentences, and the paragraphs just reads as a type of bulletin.

 

The Frozen Fortress Monastery of the White Hand

I dunno if a picture of the Scarlet Monastery from WoW is a good pic for a Fortress Monastery :P I could be wrong though haha. But yes... I recognize the picture.

 

For reasons known only to the High Lords of Terra, the White Hand Chapter is always accompanied by a representative from the Ordo Malleus. The Inquisitor seems to simply be observing the chapter, and has only pressed them into Inquisitorial service twice since the chapters founding.

Interesting but how does this add to the chapter? What are the two incidents? This seems to just be thrown in there, without a lot of linking to the rest of the chapter.

 

 

All in all, very good entry. I like their belief system, and how you linked them to the Word Bearers. I do have questions and suggestions as listed above :tu: Some things seem random and disconnected, but the majority is really really. Well done good sir.

Edited November 6, 2010 by Shinzaren

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

As an aside, isn't that picture at the bottom the Scarlet Monestary from World of Warcraft?

 

I haven't had chance to look over all the newer changes yet, so I can't say much on the overall work. I do like that sidebar though. :tu:

[Ecritter]

Your previous statement says all those who moved against the Emperor got dumped on Penal worlds. Now, on these Penal Worlds, people who love the Emperor are just showing up and taking the lead?

 

You try arguing with a 9ft tall Space Marine telling you the Emperor is a god.

 

Lorgar's tale of treachery and betrayal is well known. The less known story is of the small contingent of Word Bearers who remained loyal to the Emperor. Unwilling to tip his hand to earlier, or reveal his radically shifted alliance, Lorgar sent these loyal marines to Terra, under the guise of studying the Imperial Truth. It was these marines who inadvertently did the most to cover the treachery of their brothers. These loyalist Word Bearers did many good works, generating much good will for their Legion, good will that Lorgar would twist and abuse in the coming days of the Crusade. When the Horus Heresy exploded, these loyal marines stood with their Emperor, eventually battling their own brothers at the final battle of the Siege of Terra.

 

I'll take it! :)

 

If they were convicted of this, why wouldn't they just be put to death? It's like the Imperium is real big on mercy...

 

Altered to better explain things.

 

And there it goes. Sorry, but that just does not vibe. Grey Knights trained chapter? I just... Cannot get behind this, sorry. Not trying to just too harshly or anything, but this seems entirely unnecessary. Inquisitorial presence, yes. Grey Knights... No. Please.

 

Must be Grey Knights. When you're using Word Bearer geneseed (hinted) you must have them trained by the only chapter to never have a member fallen to chaos.

 

These are cool and all, but I think they might be better served in a sidebar. They don't add a lot to the IA or the feel of the Chapter. A sidebar is definitely a good spot.

 

Made into a sidebar.

 

 

This seems to just be a collection of facts and sentences. No real good flow between the sentences, and the paragraphs just reads as a type of bulletin.

 

reorganized

 

I dunno if a picture of the Scarlet Monastery from WoW is a good pic for a Fortress Monastery :) I could be wrong though haha. But yes... I recognize the picture.

 

I did recolor it. Gone now.

 

Interesting but how does this add to the chapter? What are the two incidents? This seems to just be thrown in there, without a lot of linking to the rest of the chapter.

 

In the organization section its just there for information. May have to add some info elsewhere.

 

 

All in all, very good entry. I like their belief system, and how you linked them to the Word Bearers. I do have questions and suggestions as listed above :D Some things seem random and disconnected, but the majority is really really. Well done good sir.

 

I thank you. I really want to get this one right.

[Guest Mordray]

Must be Grey Knights. When you're using Word Bearer geneseed (hinted) you must have them trained by the only chapter to never have a member fallen to chaos.

 

please this just sounds cheesy. My Void Reavers are potentially descended from traitor gene-seed (unspecified and hinted at in their tactics, methods and abnormal gene-seed practices.) does that mean that they need to be trained by the most secretive and least known of chapter? No chance in hell. It makes no sense the Grey Knights aren't even all that well known and they are not a rank and file chapter they are specialist daemon hunters they are not marines as we know them. Outside of their niche they would falter and fall. The only chapter to have any noted contact with the Grey Knights are the Exorcists who are shockingly also a Daemon hunting chapter...

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Must be Grey Knights. When you're using Word Bearer geneseed (hinted) you must have them trained by the only chapter to never have a member fallen to chaos.

 

So what?

 

Seriously, this is terrible and has never, ever been pulled off properly. Does that mean it's a difficult endeavor worthy of the attempt? In all honesty, no. It's not and including it cheapens the good work in the rest of the article.

 

For GW to just 'hint' that the GK are the only chapter that hasn't had one single member fall to chaos, that puts your chapter categorically on the other side of the line, with the rest of us 'lesser chapters'.

 

Not only that but for the GK purity to only be hinted at (aside from leaving GW with the opportunity to exploit it later) means that even the GK aren't factually one hundred percent infallible, and by proxy neither can yours.

 

Finally, perfection isn't interesting. That they believe they are is different.

Edited November 8, 2010 by Grey Hunter Ydalir

[Ecritter]

The only other option I can see is the UMs training them ... not a successor, but the UMs themselves.

 

Thoughts?

[Shinzaren]

The only other option I can see is the UMs training them ... not a successor, but the UMs themselves.

 

Thoughts?

Why UM? I'm confused.

1. Does the Imperium even remember that they are Word Bearers? It has been a long time...
   
2. What do you gain by having some famous chapter train them? Aside from name-dropping?
   
3. If the issue is purity and strength of will, Imperial Fists would be my vote. They did more to defend the Emperor than the UM, and they would have been there as witnesses when these last Word Bearers were sentenced. Not only that, but I HATE the Ultramarines.
   
4. Are the original 18 Word Bearers still alive? How long between the Heresy and the creation of this chapter?
   
5. Why use Word Bearer gene-seed? It's in a time locked stasis seal, so access would be impossible anyway. If the goal is to recruit from this planet and their awesome beliefs, why use Word Bearer gene-seed? Wouldn't UM or IF work just as well?
   

 

Basically, it all comes down to using Word Bearers geneseed. Why would they? Why not found the chapter using a different gene-seed?

[Ecritter]

Why UM? I'm confused.

 

Has to be a respected ... pure chapter

 

Does the Imperium even remember that they are Word Bearers? It has been a long time...

 

that is what I'm hinting at and why and Inquisitor is always there.

 

What do you gain by having some famous chapter train them? Aside from name-dropping?

 

The Order was trained by Word Bearers, and I'm hinting at Word Bearer geneseed. Don't need famous, just pure and unflawed.

 

If the issue is purity and strength of will, Imperial Fists would be my vote. They did more to defend the Emperor than the UM, and they would have been there as witnesses when these last Word Bearers were sentenced. Not only that, but I HATE the Ultramarines.

 

Hate of the UMs aside, the IF geneseed is flawed. Purity is the key.

 

Are the original 18 Word Bearers still alive? How long between the Heresy and the creation of this chapter?

 

IA says they are dead. Founded in M36.

 

Why use Word Bearer gene-seed? It's in a time locked stasis seal, so access would be impossible anyway. If the goal is to recruit from this planet and their awesome beliefs, why use Word Bearer gene-seed? Wouldn't UM or IF work just as well?

 

The hint is that the Lords of Terra are testing to see if the geneseed is flawed, or if it was just the Primarch that was flawed. Anything is open to the Lords of Terra.

 

Basically, it all comes down to using Word Bearers geneseed. Why would they? Why not found the chapter using a different gene-seed?

 

I guess they're just trying to get some answers. Try to understand why the heresy happened, and if it could happen again. Was it a geneseed flaw or just bad decisions of the Primarchs.

 

The key is that the Order, taught by Word Bearers, has been a devout group worshiping the Emperor for millienia ... what does this mean, that's what the Lords of Terra are trying to figure out.

 

That was the basis of the GK training cadre, pure and untainted by chaos. There was no thought about making them a GK successor, or UM successor for that matter. It was just to have a training cadre that was pure and above any suspicion of any kind.

Edited November 8, 2010 by Ecritter

[Codex Grey]

Why use Word Bearer gene-seed? It's in a time locked stasis seal, so access would be impossible anyway. If the goal is to recruit from this planet and their awesome beliefs, why use Word Bearer gene-seed? Wouldn't UM or IF work just as well?

This is what I didn't like about the previous version (currently in the Librarium). The idea of a Chapter absorbing the beliefs of an old Word Bearer cult, without anyone knowing, except for us, is so good on its own, that using Word Bearer Gene-seed as well just ruins it for me. I haven't been following up on this thread and the new version, so I'll try to catch up, but I just wanted to throw that out there since I saw Shinzaren's comment.

 

If the issue is purity and strength of will, Imperial Fists would be my vote. They did more to defend the Emperor than the UM, and they would have been there as witnesses when these last Word Bearers were sentenced. Not only that, but I HATE the Ultramarines.

That's a terrible reason for not choosing that gene-seed, especially since its your opinion, not Ecritter's. I actually think it's the best Gene-seed to go with. Aside from being the blandest of the Gene-seeds, with no genetic flaw or quirk to distract from what you're trying to do with a Chapter, it is also wonderful to think about an Ultramarines successor Chapter devoted to the teachings of one of the UM Legions biggest rivals.

Edited November 8, 2010 by Codex Grey

[Ecritter]

Why use Word Bearer gene-seed? It's in a time locked stasis seal, so access would be impossible anyway. If the goal is to recruit from this planet and their awesome beliefs, why use Word Bearer gene-seed? Wouldn't UM or IF work just as well?

This is what I didn't like about the previous version (currently in the Librarium). The idea of a Chapter absorbing the beliefs of an old Word Bearer cult, without anyone knowing, except for us, is so good on its own, that using Word Bearer Gene-seed as well just ruins it for me. I haven't been following up on this thread and the new version, so I'll try to catch up, but I just wanted to throw that out there since I saw Shinzaren's comment.

 

Which geneseed used is still not nailed down in the new IA. that part won't change.

 

If the issue is purity and strength of will, Imperial Fists would be my vote. They did more to defend the Emperor than the UM, and they would have been there as witnesses when these last Word Bearers were sentenced. Not only that, but I HATE the Ultramarines.

That's a terrible reason for not choosing that gene-seed, especially since its your opinion, not Ecritter's. I actually think it's the best Gene-seed to go with. Aside from being the blandest of the Gene-seeds, with no genetic flaw or quirk, it is also wonderful to think about an Ultramarines successor Chapter devoted to the teachings of one of the UM Legions biggest rivals.

 

I still say the GK is best, but I can settle for UM trainers.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

I still say the GK is best, but I can settle for UM trainers.

 

It just doesn't make sense within the source material and what you're doing is effectively cutting into the shared universe with your own chapter and making pronouncements about what is.

 

The Grey Knights don't train chapters, except yours. What?

 

If you don't want to allude to any of your marines having fallen to chaos then simply don't talk about it. The reason I say this is that whether or not an entire chapter has stayed one-hundred percent loyal to a man over the past ten millennia is probably the absolute very last thing I think about when reading their IA apart from how often they take out the space-trash.

 

Having the GK's train them is horrible for everyone else, not for your chapter. It also makes them uninteresting and seems to be more the author wanting them to be perfect in this aspect rather than the character of the chapter themselves to appear so. Whether it is actually true or not is what makes it interesting, reading those shades of grey.

[Ecritter]

It just doesn't make sense within the source material and what you're doing is effectively cutting into the shared universe with your own chapter and making pronouncements about what is.

 

The Grey Knights don't train chapters, except yours. What?

 

If you don't want to allude to any of your marines having fallen to chaos then simply don't talk about it. The reason I say this is that whether or not an entire chapter has stayed one-hundred percent loyal to a man over the past ten millennia is probably the absolute very last thing I think about when reading their IA apart from how often they take out the space-trash.

 

Having the GK's train them is horrible for everyone else, not for your chapter. It also makes them uninteresting and seems to be more the author wanting them to be perfect in this aspect rather than the character of the chapter themselves to appear so. Whether it is actually true or not is what makes it interesting, reading those shades of grey.

 

The GK weren't there because I wanted my WH to not have any members fall to chaos ... that's never mentioned anywhere in the IA. I was using the GK because the LoT considered the WH falling to chaos a real possibility.

 

As I said, I can use another training cadre, since the WHs geneseed is still in question and not that of the trainers. Its just important to the feel of the story that the trainers be from a very stable gene stock .. purity is a driving force in choosing the trainers (for me and the LoT).

[Ecritter]

Training Cadre changed to Ultramarines. Since it's speculated (in geneseed section) that they are from UM stock, it fits.

 

Any more concerns before I replace the current Librarium copy with this?

[Shinzaren]

The events of the Horus Heresy, and in particular, Lorgar's tale of treachery and betrayal, are well known. The less known story is of the small contingent of Word Bearers who remained loyal to the Emperor. Unwilling to tip his hand to early, or reveal his radically shifted alliance, Lorgar sent these loyal marines to Terra, under the guise of studying the Imperial Truth.

 

It was these marines who inadvertently did the most to cover the treachery of their brothers. These loyalist Word Bearers did many good works, generating much good will for their Legion, good will that Lorgar would twist and abuse in the coming days of the Crusade. When the Horus Heresy exploded, these loyal marines stood with their Emperor, eventually battling their own brothers at the final battle of the Siege of Terra.

 

If this is the first part of the Hidden Truth section, I think a better lead in might be necessary. I think the part in bold would help, as it gives a good lead in to the talk of Lorgar's treachery and betrayal. Otherwise, the reader jumps right from Great Teachers to Lorgar. Which is a little discombobulating. That is the only thing I noticed. That, and UM geneseed is all bad :lol:

 

EDIT:

P.S. Codex Grey: I know it's a terrible reason haha. I made that justification only in jest ;) I know Ecritter isn't gonna let my dislike for the UMs affect his IA at all. :D

Edited November 9, 2010 by Shinzaren

[Ecritter]

The events of the Horus Heresy, and in particular, Lorgar's tale of treachery and betrayal, are well known. The less known story is of the small contingent of Word Bearers who remained loyal to the Emperor. Unwilling to tip his hand to early, or reveal his radically shifted alliance, Lorgar sent these loyal marines to Terra, under the guise of studying the Imperial Truth.

 

It was these marines who inadvertently did the most to cover the treachery of their brothers. These loyalist Word Bearers did many good works, generating much good will for their Legion, good will that Lorgar would twist and abuse in the coming days of the Crusade. When the Horus Heresy exploded, these loyal marines stood with their Emperor, eventually battling their own brothers at the final battle of the Siege of Terra.

 

If this is the first part of the Hidden Truth section, I think a better lead in might be necessary. I think the part in bold would help, as it gives a good lead in to the talk of Lorgar's treachery and betrayal. Otherwise, the reader jumps right from Great Teachers to Lorgar. Which is a little discombobulating. That is the only thing I noticed. That, and UM geneseed is all bad ;)

 

First you completely rewrite a part of my IA and I take it outright .... now you go and rewrite it !!! ;)

 

Sounds better I'll take it too.

 

P.S. Codex Grey: I know it's a terrible reason haha. I made that justification only in jest :) I know Ecritter isn't gonna let my dislike for the UMs affect his IA at all. :D

 

Wrong, I listen to all the C&C ... and take advice from the group.

 

*************************

 

Looking for little things now, I found a missing 's' just a few minutes ago.

[Shinzaren]

First you completely rewrite a part of my IA and I take it outright .... now you go and rewrite it !!! :)

 

Sounds better I'll take it too.

I knew this would get blamed on me haha. I humbly submit my apology for my failures... ;)

 

Wrong, I listen to all the C&C ... and take advice from the group.

Well that is just silly! Everyone knows I can't be trusted :D

[Ace Debonair]

For a thousand years after the Great Teachers past on to their after lives, serving the Emperor's will, the Order flourished on Zel Primus.

Passed, rather than past.

Unwilling to tip his hand to early, or reveal his radically shifted alliance, Lorgar sent these loyal marines to Terra, under the guise of studying the Imperial Truth.

Too, rather than to.

Many was the call for their heads, but just as vehemently was the call for leniency based on their actions at the final Siege of Terra. The wrong verdict could cause as much desention as the Heresy itself. It was therefore decided that they be locked away, far from Terra, where they could do no harm. It was those 18 loyal Word Bearers that were the Great Teachers, founders of the Order on Zel Primus.

I thought it was spelled 'dissention', but according to the online dictionary it's spelled 'dissension'.

 

I think in the geneseed section, it should be the popular consensus that they're Ultramarine successors.

Where the Inquisitors have no knowledge, they should be told 'Ultramarines'.

I mean, obviously using geneseed from a traitor legion would be far too big of a gamble, right? So they must be Ultramarines. Right? ;)

 

Something like:

"The source of the geneseed used to create the Space Marines of the White Hand Chapter is thought to be of the lineage of Rouboute Guilliman, and is noted as such in all Inquisitorial reports concerning such details.

 

However, despite this, whispered rumours occasionally surface that the chapter's geneseed was taken from the Great Teachers themselves, although these rumours are strongly refuted by both the Inquisition and the High Lords of Terra."

 

Otherwise, pretty cool IA you've got here. :P

[Dark En Raul13]

This is a really cool idea, I think you should still stick with White Hands however

 

Anyway apart from the occasional words in wrong places like you've already had pointed out its really one hell of a chapter

[Ecritter]

Thanks for reading it.  It's my first IA and will always be in my heart.

[Ace Debonair]

I thought this was an actual, 2013 rewrite to start with, and I was all like "wait whaaaaat?"

 

Then I read the dates, and Holy threadnomancy, Dark En Raul13, there was over two years between the last post and your one!

 

On the other hand this is a pretty cool IA (still) so I guess it's all good.

[Ecritter]

Thanks Ace ... its still cool years later