Index Astartes: The Gryphon Guard

[Sigismund Himself]

Index Astartes: The Gryphon Guard

Defiant in the face of the void

History

T

he core of every Astartes' being lies in their genetic heritage, descended from their own Primarch and therefore the Emperor himself. From this link, they draw not only their beyond-superhuman abilities but the very meaning of their existence. Geneseed has attained a mythical and holy quantity in both the eyes of the majority of Astartes but also the Adeptus Mechanicus, the guardians of technology. Through millennia of ritual and superstition, the Emperor's hard-won gene knowledge has been lost, forgotten or even twisted. Due to this disgrace, degenerations have beset the sons of the Emperor. From the whispered of flaws of Sanguinius' line to the almost accepted deviances of Russ' only sons, few chapters have been spared. Although these cases are perhaps more prominent, the lesser known damage of the Raven Guard geneseed has meant that fewer and fewer chapters from Corax's line are raised and those that are born often suffer from their genetic inheritance.

However, in the birth of the modern Imperium, such flaws were yet to emerge to their full devastating effect or some still claimed enough knowledge to believe themselves worthy of tampering. So it was in the Third Founding that the Gryphon Guard was born of Corax's geneseed, drawing upon the scions of the Revilers Chapter to lead the new chapter into war. Their silver and purple heraldry soon became a much longed-for sight by the Imperial citizens of the galactic south-east as the chapter established itself upon the deathworld of Girant and pushed back the influence of the xenos and the heretic. Over the millennia, such famous campaigns and victories such as the Dhargasian Purge, the Routing of Waagh Grimtuf and the ill-fated Vureess-6 Explorator Expedition saw the chapter's name become engraved in the annals of the Imperium. And yet, from the very source of their power and success would come the flaw that has crippled the chapter and leaves it defiantly facing death.

Despite the best efforts of the chapter's Apothecaries and the gene-artificers of Mars, the Gryphon Guard's geneseed has become less and less viable with each passing millennia. The chapter's numbers have decreased slowly yet steadily since its inception, condemning the chapter to a prolonged death. Despite their inevitable extinction, the Astartes of the chapter serve the Emperor with increased fervour, determined that the chapter's name remain unblemished. The foolhardy blaze of glory taken by some lesser minded chapters is not for them. Instead, the chapter seeks to strike where the smallest amount of force will have the greatest impact, spending the remaining lifeblood of the chapter wisely. Even as the number of full battle-brothers in the chapter falls beneath four full companies-worth, the Gryphon Guard continue to ravage the enemies of the Emperor from the shadows as they proudly march towards the eternal void.

The Retiring of the Fourth Company

The last crimson rays of the sun shone through the coloured glass of the chapel's windows, bathing the assembled Astartes in the hue of blood. It appeared that they had stood at parade drill perfection for millennia and would continue to do so, until the very mountain from which the chapel was hewn fell into the sea. Into this stillness strode twenty marines, a mere tenth of the size of the frozen horde around them. Between the ordered ranks they continued until they reached the head of the chapel where the Reclusiarch and Chapter Master stood in front of the banners of the chapter. The Captain Raa'frert of the Fourth Company stepped forward onto the dais as his companions paused, the banner of his company held stiffly in his hands. His two superiors each saluted him, his remaining company and the emblem of the Fourth with a crash of fist upon chest. Presenting the Reclusiarch with the company banner, he returned the salute before rejoining the rest of the motionless chapter as the Chapter Master prepared to speak.

"The Fourth is retired, with full glory and honours to its name," spoke Chapter Master Tolo'vom into the reverent silence, "The service given by the company shall not be forgotten as long as the Imperium endures."

From two hundred-odd throats, a guttural battle hymn swelled as the remaining Astartes honoured those that had gone before and the deeds of the Company that they had served as the Fourth Company's banner took the place of honour over the altar where the Chapter banner had stood.

Homeworld

Reborn

Drifting upwards through the darkness, Rart'eb muzzily opened his eyes. His instincts called to him to flee but he controlled himself. He was in the caves of the angels, no harm could come to him. As he sat upright, an angel entered, clad in white unlike the others he had caught glimpses of. He sat still, overawed by its presence. When it spoke, it was with a voice of thunder and in the tongue of the jungle.

"The land you stand upon is Lisu'arue, that belonging to the gryphon. Son of the jungle, if you prove worthy you will become of the gryphon clan. Many trials await you but if you survive, you will hunt the enemies of the eagle among the stars. Our blood will be yours and your blood will be ours. As from now, your previous life means naught. Already, you are marked as one of us."

Rart'eb turned to look sideways into a pool of silver metal. A powerful youth stared back at him, skin unblemished bar scars and missing all his proper tribal tattoos. There still remained one new and unremembered tattoo. A giant beast of claws, fur, wings and beak reared around his right eye, matching the one emblazoned upon the angel's shoulder. He touched it reverentially, struggling to comprehend how his life had changed.

G

irant lies in the galactic south-east, the sole inhabitable planet in the Latub system. Classified as a deathworld by the Imperium, the surface of the world is predominantly covered by subtropical forest. Among this deadly landscape and under the perpetually stormy sky, the long barbarised ancestors of human settlers struggle to survive the dangerously light days and nights lit only by lightning. Many chapters would believe these savages a more than satisfactory source of recruits but the chapter introduced further elements to increase the suitability. The tribal legends talk of when angels walked the planet and spread word of how only those that had proved themselves worthy by killing another man would be admitted to the side of the eagle. From this the practise of ritual combat at full moons started, often involving young children as their parents seek to ensure they will join them in the afterlife.

From this stock, the chapter draws its members. Taking the pragmatic and tribal mindset of the natives, the chapter's hypnotherapy shears the potential recruits of their superstitions and fears, replacing them with knowledge and duty. A brother of the Gryphon Guard is capable of total analytical thought and yet tempers this with the ties of their chapter, company and squad. Knowledge is not for knowledge's sake in their eyes but for use as a weapon for the Emperor's cause. It is this dichotomy between the savage tribesman and the intellectual master that is part of the chapter's very soul. Every measure and step taken in the chapter's long existence has been determined by the outcome of this internal conflict. The chapter's impending demise is examined by each Astartes both analytically and primitively tribally as possible, emotionlessly calculating the small odds of survival or the amount of enemies able to be killed as the chapter dies while also thinking of the glory of the chapter's name and raging against the eternal blackness of death.

Although the chapter strips away much of culture's mental identification as weaknesses, it has adopted a number of native practises in its long existence. The best example is in the use of the guttural Girantian tongue as a battle language and is also used for less formal or spiritual occasions. Jealously guarded from outsiders, its value increased dramatically as the chapter was forced by lower numbers to switch to more covert methods of warfare. The other major example is of the chapter's use of tattoos, mirroring that of the tribesmen of the jungle. These abstract markings reflect the life of the marine, detailing his rank, achievements and victories. Made from the coltgavu vine's dye, the intricate tattoos are spread over the marine's entire body by the honoured master tattooists within the chapter serfs. Other ceremonies practised by the natives such as ritual combat and various religious celebrations are vigorously excoriated from recruits and chapter serfs, decried as superstitious activities that serve no purpose for the chapter.

Geneseed

A

fflicted with the original Raven Guard flaws of the mutated Melanchromic Organ, missing Mucranoid and lacking Betcher's Gland, the Gryphon Guard's geneseed has continued to degenerate. Although no further organs have been lost, the geneseed's viability in creating new Astartes has slowly degraded. This has led to a much lower recruitment rate as a greater proportion of recruits fail to become full Astartes and the process of implantation has become even slower and preciser. The Apothecarian has devoted itself wholly to the issue since its emergence in the 37th millennium. Despite consultation with other descendants of Corax, examinations by the Genetor Magosii of Mars and rumoured contact with the sons of Sanguinius, no cure has been found. Measures to slow the rate and alleviate the severity of degeneration have been discovered in this research but still Company after Company retires from lack of Astartes. Indeed, many within the Apothecarian have abandoned the quest for a genetic cure and concentrate merely on improving the implantation success rate to augment the chapter's numbers.

Many knowledgeable outsiders have considered the possibility of substituting Raven Guard geneseed from Mars as a method of abating or even halting the chapter's slow demise. For its own inscrutable reasons, the chapter has not undertaken this radical course of action. Some suggest that for any chapter to utilise another's, even from the same primogenitor, would be sacrilege of the utmost kind and dishonour all who had bore the chapter's heraldry before them. However, others point to the relatively unsuperstitious attitude of the Gryphon Guard and whisper of far darker reasons for the chapter not trying this course of salvation. Rumours swirl of a rift between the Mechanicus and the Gryphon Guard still existing after the disastrous conclusion of the Vureess-6 Explorator expedition, millennia ago. Even grimmer speculation is barely dared to be breathed, that the Raven Guard themselves require all the geneseed stock to stop their own degeneration into monsters.

The origins of the geneseed flaw is fully understood by the Chapter. Every recruit is taught of the actions of Corax during the last days of the Horus Heresy and how this has left seemingly irreparable damage upon all of his sons. The vast majority of marines accept his actions as necessary and even justified as the fledgling Imperium emerged from the anarchy of the Heresy. However, Corax is not revered within the chapter as many primarchs are within their legion's descendants. Although he is honoured for the hard choices he made, he is also despised for his weakness in leaving his sons and the Imperium with his duty unfulfilled. This pull of hatred against love and devotion makes Corax's place in the chapter's beliefs difficult to comprehend for any outsider. It is seemingly no surprise that the Emperor is honoured further than normal given this spiritual conflict.

Organisation

Chapter Name Origins

It was during the quelling of the Paln Uprising that the chapter was baptised in the harsh flames of war. Against the heretic rebels, the newborn chapter defended the Governor and what remained of his government. The back of the rebellion was broken during the siege of the Governor's Palace, where fully half the currently unnamed chapter manned the walls while the remainder crushed the traitors against the gate during the last days of the month long siege. As the sun set on the carnage, the only objects left standing were the Astartes and the proud gryphon statues atop the walls.

A

lthough the chapter has nominally followed the Codex throughout its existence, individual squads are far more autonomous than within the average codex chapter. This degree of freedom has expanded further as the number of Astartes fell and each squad became a vital resource. Indeed, currently the normal campaign deployment for the chapter is either one or two squads. This has led to the role of Captain becoming more concerned with deploying his squads across warzones and indirectly supervising their actions rather than the traditional responsibility of co-ordinating and controlling his company for a single campaign. The number of captains has also dropped as Companies are retired from lack of Astartes to man them. The specialised companies of the First and Tenth were retired in M40, with the veterans of the chapter joining the Chapter Master's Household and the scouts being distributed among the companies. Indeed, as each viable recruit became more precious, the final Black Carapace implant is given at the end of the implantation process and after further training, the novice is awarded his power armour with its much improved protection. It is only then that he is allowed upon the chapter's battlefields to serve his apprenticeship among the Tactical squads of the chapter.

As the geneseed curse has depleted the amount of full Astartes, the chapter serfs of the chapter have risen to play a more prominent role in the chapter. This includes in such specialised places as the Armoury and the Apothecarian, where a number of important positions are held by serfs. Within the Reclusiam, the cult of the master tattooists has always been filled by chapter serfs from the beginning of the practise. Even on the battlefield, the mortal servants of the chapter serve alongside their masters in their own formations. Made up of failed recruits and those hereditarily born into servitude, the serfs of the chapter receive much more respect from the Astartes compared to many chapters where they are treated as little more than servitors. This bond only drives their fanatical tribal devotion to their masters further and any serf would think nothing of sacrificing himself and his squad so that a precious Astarte life may be saved.

Combat Doctrine

T

he Gryphon Guard have always preferred to seek situations where a carefully deployed squad will tip the balance of a battle rather than using the brutal sledgehammer of a full company to smash asunder the enemy. The tenets of the chapter's style of warfare has always been stealth, flexibility and pinpoint placement of force. The fall in the chapter's numbers has only exaggerated this tactical tendency as the chapter aims to spend its lifeblood as efficiently as possible. The operations of the chapter now consist of covert operations and deploying as a spearhead for other organisations such as the Imperial Guard. With this approach, the risk of losing men is slightly more minimised than the more frontal displays of force normally favoured by the Astartes. It also allows the chapter to have an strategic impact well beyond their numbers. In the chapter's recent history, only the most serious of threats has caused more than a company to deploy on the same battlefield.

The chapter's further expansion into covert warfare has only increased the chapter's deadliness. Campaign reports tell of hives' defences falling to a mere squad of Gryphon Guard infiltrated within the city with a number of chapter serf squads. Such reports often praise the Astartes uncanny ability to attack precisely the weakest point in the enemy's defences. This has been attributed to the chapter's greater care and planning when deploying its marines. However, others have claimed, though never for long, of the chapter operating its own network of intelligence gathering and pro-Imperial sleeper cells across the sector. Such accusations would indeed explain much of the Gryphon Guard's exceptional record of success while its numbers dwindled. If these claims were to contain a hint of truth, the Inquisition would be rightfully extremely concerned.

Beliefs

N

early every Astartes has sadly accepted the chapter's impending extinction. A few Apothecaries still fervently seek a solution but the rest of the chapter prepares to sell their lives as dearly as possible. As it draws nearer, a greater sense of melancholy has spread among the marines. This sadness has not inhibited combat performance, if anything it has merely spurred the chapter on as it fights for the past and to ensure its proud combat record remains unsullied instead of fighting for the future. The chapter has no illusions about the reality of death and no chaplain preaches such follies as eternal feasts at the side of the Emperor to their brethren. The only thing left to push the Astartes on is their duty to the chapter, each other and the Emperor, in the hope that the Imperium will survive long enough for its creator to walk the galaxy again. Every Astartes death is mourned and every new recruit welcomed with pride and yet also sorrow. It is a brave and proud stand the chapter makes as it spends the last of its lifeblood in the defence of mankind and its future, knowing that it has none itself.

---

And there we have it. The result of not studying in university exam block and realising that I should really get one of my chapters somewhere within 100 light years of Librarium quality :lol: Very happy to have finished an IA for these guys, they started back in June 2006 so it's taken a while and a fair bit of evolution to get them up to scratch (see Ydalir, you have nothing on my slackness ;) ). It's a bit of a rough read as it was written in a week but I hope it was an enjoyable read. Please be as heartlessly cruel mercilessly critical of it as I have been to your IAs in the past!

Many thanks to Ferrata for his help back in the Ye Olden Days when I first started in the Liber with the cliched mess that was the first drafts of these guys, Barret for his help a similarly long time ago and Lysimachus for giving me a few ideas in the last brainstorming topic for this chapter :tu:

For further tales of the Gryphon Guard, have a read of the Lay of Larot.

[Ace Debonair]

Wow, cool. :tu:

I read through it, but I don't have time for a proper analysis just now.

 

The one thing that stood out to me, though, was this:

Even as the number of full battle-brothers in the chapter falls beneath 350, the Gryphon Guard continue to ravage the enemies of the Emperor from the shadows as they proudly march towards the eternal void.

As it is, the numbers stick out, and look out of place.

I suspect either writing 'three hundred and fifty' or 'falls to less than four companies' worth of marines', (or something to that general effect) will make that sentence look a bit more solid. :lol:

 

 

EDIT: Alrighty, I've got a bit more time now.

Taking the pragmatic and tribal mindset, the chapter's hypnotherapy shears the potential recruits of their superstitions and fears, replacing them with knowledge and duty.

It might be better to have something like "sharing the pragmatic mindset of the tribes" or something. As it stands, the sentence seems to suggest the tribes use hypnotherapy.

 

Also, I think you might want a darker 'off-white' colour for your sub-headers, or failing that, you should make the writing therein a darker colour, so it's more visible. ;)

[Codex Grey]

It never fails. Every time a consider starting up a new Chapter, someone in Liber uses the idea I was going for. Damn you, Sig. :tu:

 

I remember these guys from some of their earlier versions, and I think they've come a long way. It's a very enjoyable read. And it's about time you got a Chapter into the Librarium. :P

 

Indeed, as each viable recruit became more precious, the final Black Carapace implant is given at the end of the implantation process. After further training, the novice is awarded his power armour and must prove himself among his brethren in the Tactical squads before becoming a full brother.

I'm a bit confused by this, especially the last part. When a marine has gotten his PA and a place in a Tactical Squad, is he not a full brother? Are tactical marines not the essence of full brother in the Gryphon Guard?

 

 

I was thinking, maybe you could have a sidebar alongside the gene-seed section, with a small timeline detailing the major points of the Guard's gene-seed degeneration. This could include the dates for when companies were retired, hammering home the slow death of the Chapter. Just a thought.

 

Again, very nice IA.

[NightrawenII]

Ok, I admit I'm the last one to comment on the grammar, but:

 

So it was in the Third Founding that the Gryphon Guard were born of Corax's geneseed

"was"? as in the Chapter was born from....

 

Although these cases are perhaps more prominent, the lesser known Raven Guard geneseed damage has meant that fewer and fewer chapters from Corax's line are raised and those that are born often suffer from their genetic inheritance.

It's too cumbersome and hard to understand...

the lesser known damage of the RavenGuard's gene-seed

....seems better.

 

gene-artificers

... is odd name to be honest, maybe because I'm associating artificer with art. Bio-Engineers or Gene-Architects is somewhat suitable name for Techpriests.

 

Even as the number of full battle-brothers in the chapter falls beneath 350

~

From 200-odd throats

What Ace said.

 

examinations by the Genitor Magosii

Genetor. I know the "Magosii" is probably right spelling, but ugh...

 

Indeed, as each viable recruit became more precious, the final Black Carapace implant is given at the end of the implantation process.

This sentence doesn't fare well.

The first part looks like you are going to explain how the preciousness of the recruit affects the training and induction in the company and then the second part continues with talk about Black Carapace. It is somewhat out of place.

 

... and deploying as a spearhead for other organisations such as the Imperial Guard. With this approach, the risk of losing men is slightly more minimised than the more frontal displays of force normally favoured by the Astartes.

A slight contradiction; if you are the spearhead of the force, then you ARE at the frontal display. :P

 

++++

Otherwise, very solid and thorought-full IA. I'm moved. :tu:

[Sigismund Himself]

Thanks for the feedback guys, don't have time right now to respond to each bit but I'll get back to you tonight and with those changes applied :devil:

[Sigismund Himself]

The one thing that stood out to me, though, was this:

Even as the number of full battle-brothers in the chapter falls beneath 350, the Gryphon Guard continue to ravage the enemies of the Emperor from the shadows as they proudly march towards the eternal void.

As it is, the numbers stick out, and look out of place.

I suspect either writing 'three hundred and fifty' or 'falls to less than four companies' worth of marines', (or something to that general effect) will make that sentence look a bit more solid. ;)

As the New Zealanders say, 'fuxed'.

 

Taking the pragmatic and tribal mindset, the chapter's hypnotherapy shears the potential recruits of their superstitions and fears, replacing them with knowledge and duty.

It might be better to have something like "sharing the pragmatic mindset of the tribes" or something. As it stands, the sentence seems to suggest the tribes use hypnotherapy.

 

Also, I think you might want a darker 'off-white' colour for your sub-headers, or failing that, you should make the writing therein a darker colour, so it's more visible. :D

Added 'of the natives' after your bolded part, hopefully that's fixed it. And coloured the text black in headers. Thanks Ace.

 

 

It never fails. Every time a consider starting up a new Chapter, someone in Liber uses the idea I was going for. Damn you, Sig. :)

My full apologies for the unintentional psychic theft. Suppose I'm not a codicier for nothing :) I'd still like to see your take on a dying chapter or the other concept you had in mind.

 

I remember these guys from some of their earlier versions, and I think they've come a long way. It's a very enjoyable read. And it's about time you got a Chapter into the Librarium. :P

Tell me about it...

 

Indeed, as each viable recruit became more precious, the final Black Carapace implant is given at the end of the implantation process. After further training, the novice is awarded his power armour and must prove himself among his brethren in the Tactical squads before becoming a full brother.

I'm a bit confused by this, especially the last part. When a marine has gotten his PA and a place in a Tactical Squad, is he not a full brother? Are tactical marines not the essence of full brother in the Gryphon Guard?

He's kind of doing an apprenticeship while the chapter minimises the risk of losing a recruit due to him being among full veterans and armoured in 6 inches of ceramite instead of the scouts' bathing suits was the idea I was trying to convey . I'll see if I can make this more obvious in the next redraft, though I've edited it in the meantime to along the lines I'm thinking along.

 

 

I was thinking, maybe you could have a sidebar alongside the gene-seed section, with a small timeline detailing the major points of the Guard's gene-seed degeneration. This could include the dates for when companies were retired, hammering home the slow death of the Chapter. Just a thought.

 

Again, very nice IA.

I may just use that idea! And thanks for the feedback CG :)

 

Ok, I admit I'm the last one to comment on the grammar, but:

Indeed, you're normally the first or, in this case, the third :P My thanks.

 

So it was in the Third Founding that the Gryphon Guard were born of Corax's geneseed

"was"? as in the Chapter was born from....

Good catch, fixed.

 

Although these cases are perhaps more prominent, the lesser known Raven Guard geneseed damage has meant that fewer and fewer chapters from Corax's line are raised and those that are born often suffer from their genetic inheritance.

It's too cumbersome and hard to understand...

the lesser known damage of the RavenGuard's gene-seed

....seems better.

Stolen.

 

gene-artificers

... is odd name to be honest, maybe because I'm associating artificer with art. Bio-Engineers or Gene-Architects is somewhat suitable name for Techpriests.

The association with art was quite intentional. It kind of conveys the mysteriousness of the geneseed to me, I hope that kind of comes across? And it sounds awesome to boot.

 

examinations by the Genitor Magosii

Genetor. I know the "Magosii" is probably right spelling, but ugh...

Fixed. Would Magii possibly be correct? It is pseudo-latin after all.

 

Indeed, as each viable recruit became more precious, the final Black Carapace implant is given at the end of the implantation process.

This sentence doesn't fare well.

The first part looks like you are going to explain how the preciousness of the recruit affects the training and induction in the company and then the second part continues with talk about Black Carapace. It is somewhat out of place.

This looks out of place after I chopped the sentence after it off this one. Amended so it makes more sense.

 

... and deploying as a spearhead for other organisations such as the Imperial Guard. With this approach, the risk of losing men is slightly more minimised than the more frontal displays of force normally favoured by the Astartes.

A slight contradiction; if you are the spearhead of the force, then you ARE at the frontal display.

I saw this after I posted and was wondering if anyone would catch it. I'm leaving it for the moment as I can't decide if I want to change spearhead or frontal to resolve it...

 

Otherwise, very solid and thorought-full IA. I'm moved.

Cheers mate :)

[Lysimachus]

Very nice indeed Sig! Love the idea, and no fluff issues I can see, so I’ll join in the grammar-hammering! :P

 

Origins:

 

Emperor's hard-won gene knowledge

 

Maybe ‘knowledge of genetics? ‘

 

Although these cases are perhaps more prominent

 

I think 'Although other cases' would make more sense?

 

suffer from their genetic inheritance

 

‘suffer due to their’?

 

drawing upon the scions of the Revilers Chapter to lead the new chapter into war

 

bit repetitive, could drop first one, as we know who the Revilers are?

 

I’ll come back and do more later!

[Aurelius Rex]

Printed off to give it a good read, mate. :) Where's the bowling ball? :P

 

It might take a while, although I did notice multiple references to 'geneseed' that should be 'gene-seed'.

[Hrvat]

Very nice. Something that I found oddly phrased:

 

Over the millennia, such famous campaigns and victories such as the Dhargasian Purge, the Routing of Waagh Grimtuf and the ill-fated Vureess-6 Explorator Expedition saw the chapter's name become engraved in the annals of the Imperium.

 

I think the first such is unneeded.

 

Keep up the good work.

 

 

Cheers

 

Hrvat

[Aurelius Rex]

I found the chapter IA an interesting read, Sig. ;) However, you know that I can rarely let an IA go passed un-savaged without making suggestions as to how it could be improved further, so here goes. :lol:

 

The basic premise is that the chapter is dying, and this was a theme which was examined not just by GW IA such as the Flesh Tearers, but also quite extensively in the Lost Chapter Liber quiz a few years ago now. Gene-seed failure was one of the many hooks used in this, and was the one I used myself, although it was about how the Wolf Brothers fell rather than the Corax gene-seed, which is a good choice for gene-fade. However, because this has been examined quite extensively in other contexts, I think that there needs to be more to the character's chapter than the fact that they are dying. For instance, what had caused it (in this case the well-known instability of the Corax gene-line), or perhaps more appropriately to this case, how they try to fight it, and how they adapt their style, beliefs and even character in light of their affliction.

 

I think that this would be the aspect I would suggest focussing on to improve the chapter further - how they have distinctively responded to this inevitable decline. There are very interesting hints of it in the IA, but if you can strengthen it into every aspect of the IA, and show their charaxcter development, then this would be the way forward, as currently just the fact of their decline isn't enough character to support the IA for me. :)

 

Regards,

Aurelius.

[Sigismund Himself]

Having left this for a couple of months so I could come back to it with fresh eyes, I can see Aurelius' point somewhat but my author's view is interfering with trying to read it without the knowledge/view I already have in my mind. Would anyone else care to give it a read over and voice their opinions? It would be greatly appreciated.

[Dosjetka]

Fixed. Would Magii possibly be correct? It is pseudo-latin after all.

Magii is correct.

 

The chapter's impending demise is examined by each Astartes both analytically and primitively tribally as possible,

I'm not sure, but is this a typo?

 

The Apothecarian has devoted itself wholly to the issue since its emergence in the 37th millennium.

I think it's written Apothecariam/Apothecarium, but I'm not sure.

 

------------------------

 

All in all, this was a treat to read. I really enjoyed it and I do believe it is at least within the 100 miles of Librarium quality ;)

 

Ludovic

 

Edit: Just read through Aurelius' post and I do agree with him on the strengthening of the main theme due to the usage of death and dispair in many ther IA's. Though if it stays as it is, it can still work very well :cuss

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

The association with art was quite intentional. It kind of conveys the mysteriousness of the geneseed to me, I hope that kind of comes across? And it sounds awesome to boot.

 

I prefer gene-artificer myself, I agree that it sounds great and feels more mystical, as it should in the techno-magic of 40k.

 

Overall I like it, I like it a lot.

 

The chapter's impending demise is examined by each Astartes both analytically and primitively tribally as possible, emotionlessly calculating the small odds of survival or the amount of enemies able to be killed as the chapter dies while also thinking of the glory of the chapter's name and raging against the eternal blackness of death.

 

Now this I like very much. However, I don't see enough of it. Really, that's my only real comment to make. Not enough emotive or evocative moments with which to make the reader really identify with and sympathize with the chapter.

 

It's a damn strong moment to have too, as we're all dying really, whether we like it or not. Each day every one of us moves towards the final shuffling off of this mortal coil and embracing whatever comes next. This is something I think you can grab with both hands and really have a good go with since it's something unique to all humanity in our awareness of it, if not our true conscious identification with it at all times.

 

As I said above, overall I think this is a really good IA.

 

The only grammar related thing I have to say is in the flavour piece. The 'two hundred-odd throats' sounds and reads a little oddly, though I have no suggestions as to how to change it.

[Ace Debonair]

OK, that's awesome. :D

 

If I had to pick something to change, it'd be the bit where the captain says 'the fourth is retired' in the colourpiece.

 

I wouldn't change it much, just make it more formal. You know, more like "The Fourth Company is henceforth retired from service, it's honour intact and it's history to be remembered by all."

 

Good stuff!

 

EDIT: Damnable typos! My crusade continues...

[Dosjetka]

If I had to pick something to change, it'd be the bit where the captain says 'the fourth is retired' in the colourpiece.

 

I wouldn't change it much, just make it more formal. You know, more like "The Fourth Company is henceforth retired from service, it's honour intact and it's history to be remembered by all."

I disagree (with all due respect, Ace ;)), I actually love it.

 

Ludovic

[Ace Debonair]

If I had to pick something to change, it'd be the bit where the captain says 'the fourth is retired' in the colourpiece.

 

I wouldn't change it much, just make it more formal. You know, more like "The Fourth Company is henceforth retired from service, it's honour intact and it's history to be remembered by all."

I disagree (with all due respect, Ace ^_^), I actually love it.

 

Ludovic

 

Well, fair enough. ;)

 

I like my dialogues a little more formal with Astartes, but I suppose it makes the Captain look a bit more... well, human.

You know, like he's resigned to the fate of the chapter, stunned that it's come to retiring the fourth company, and can't bring himself to go through a full, formal speech, preferring to let his brothers honour the company with their hymns.

[Dosjetka]

Well, fair enough. :lol:

 

I like my dialogues a little more formal with Astartes, but I suppose it makes the Captain look a bit more... well, human.

You know, like he's resigned to the fate of the chapter, stunned that it's come to retiring the fourth company, and can't bring himself to go through a full, formal speech, preferring to let his brothers honour the company with their hymns.

That's what I like. Because even though they are superhuman killers, they do have a small shred of humanity left, which has been, in my humble opinion, very well shown by Sigismund in his text :tu:

 

Ludovic

 

Edit: And I'm sure if you had to retire your own Company, you wouldn't go "Well that's that, ey? Let's go kill some more heretics!" and stomp off into oblivion, would you? ;)

 

Edit of Edit: Damned typos :)

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

I like the colour piece.

 

I get the feeling the captain is reluctant to hand over the standard, though I think it should be perhaps highlighted slightly more, that he is reluctant to hand it over, that he grips it for a moment longer than he is supposed to. I don't know, something to show a bit more of his being tied to and identified by his company no longer existing.

 

But that's me, it's good as is and these are just little personal quibbles in style rather than anything derailing.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

I've skim-read - I have huge brain/eye issues this week regarding reading IAs of screens - and it seems like an interesting idea.. Ill have to work out if printing it out on the work computer is worth the risk of getting a "telling off" if I'm caught though :)

[Octavulg]

What, it's only been like three months since I promised to do this...

 

* * *

 

Despite the best efforts of the chapter's Apothecaries and the gene-artificers of Mars, the Gryphon Guard's geneseed has become less and less viable with each passing millennia. The chapter's numbers have decreased slowly yet steadily since its inception, condemning the chapter to a prolonged death. Despite their inevitable extinction, the Astartes of the chapter serve the Emperor with increased fervour, determined that the chapter's name remain unblemished. The foolhardy blaze of glory taken by some lesser minded chapters is not for them. Instead, the chapter seeks to strike where the smallest amount of force will have the greatest impact, spending the remaining lifeblood of the chapter wisely. Even as the number of full battle-brothers in the chapter falls beneath four full companies-worth, the Gryphon Guard continue to ravage the enemies of the Emperor from the shadows as they proudly march towards the eternal void.

 

The Raven Guard get gene shipments from Mars - why do the Gryphon Guard not?

 

Girant lies in the galactic south-east, the sole inhabitable planet in the Latub system. Classified as a deathworld by the Imperium, the surface of the world is predominantly covered by subtropical forest. Among this deadly landscape and under the perpetually stormy sky, the long barbarised ancestors of human settlers struggle to survive the dangerously light days and nights lit only by lightning. Many chapters would believe these savages a more than satisfactory source of recruits but the chapter introduced further elements to increase the suitability. The tribal legends talk of when angels walked the planet and spread word of how only those that had proved themselves worthy by killing another man would be admitted to the side of the eagle. From this the practise of ritual combat at full moons started, often involving young children as their parents seek to ensure they will join them in the afterlife.

 

This whole paragraph feels kind of awkward. Furthermore, I'm not sure that would really increase their suitability that much - and it could have a catastrophic effect on the population base.

 

Of course, there could be some interesting potential in adding that catastrophic effect onto the plight of the Guard - paralleling the decline of the Chapter with the decline of their home world.

 

From this stock, the chapter draws its members. Taking the pragmatic and tribal mindset of the natives, the chapter's hypnotherapy shears the potential recruits of their superstitions and fears, replacing them with knowledge and duty. A brother of the Gryphon Guard is capable of total analytical thought and yet tempers this with the ties of their chapter, company and squad. Knowledge is not for knowledge's sake in their eyes but for use as a weapon for the Emperor's cause. It is this dichotomy between the savage tribesman and the intellectual master that is part of the chapter's very soul. Every measure and step taken in the chapter's long existence has been determined by the outcome of this internal conflict. The chapter's impending demise is examined by each Astartes both analytically and primitively tribally as possible, emotionlessly calculating the small odds of survival or the amount of enemies able to be killed as the chapter dies while also thinking of the glory of the chapter's name and raging against the eternal blackness of death.

 

Only an Australian would think sheep metaphors lend themselves to a martial culture.

 

Again, very awkward. And while I like the idea of the tribal and professional natures and the conflict and union between them, you're rather overselling it here. Wax a little less loquacious.

 

Although the chapter strips away much of culture's mental identification as weaknesses, it has adopted a number of native practises in its long existence. The best example is in the use of the guttural Girantian tongue as a battle language and is also used for less formal or spiritual occasions. Jealously guarded from outsiders, its value increased dramatically as the chapter was forced by lower numbers to switch to more covert methods of warfare. The other major example is of the chapter's use of tattoos, mirroring that of the tribesmen of the jungle. These abstract markings reflect the life of the marine, detailing his rank, achievements and victories. Made from the coltgavu vine's dye, the intricate tattoos are spread over the marine's entire body by the honoured master tattooists within the chapter serfs. Other ceremonies practised by the natives such as ritual combat and various religious celebrations are vigorously excoriated from recruits and chapter serfs, decried as superstitious activities that serve no purpose for the chapter.

 

I'm not sure why its value would be that increased - it's not like the enemies of Space Marines get to spend that much time listening to them.

 

The duality here isn't executed well - there needs to be some explanation or reason for why some practices are barbaric and tribal while other things are evidently wondrous and important. Honestly, it might be better to eliminate the whole 'two minds' angle and focus more on the decline of the Chapter. It could be interesting as part of that - perhaps they grow more tribal as they can be less picky about recruits?

 

Afflicted with the original Raven Guard flaws of the mutated Melanchromic Organ, missing Mucranoid and lacking Betcher's Gland, the Gryphon Guard's geneseed has continued to degenerate. Although no further organs have been lost, the geneseed's viability in creating new Astartes has slowly degraded. This has led to a much lower recruitment rate as a greater proportion of recruits fail to become full Astartes and the process of implantation has become even slower and preciser. The Apothecarian has devoted itself wholly to the issue since its emergence in the 37th millennium. Despite consultation with other descendants of Corax, examinations by the Genetor Magosii of Mars and rumoured contact with the sons of Sanguinius, no cure has been found. Measures to slow the rate and alleviate the severity of degeneration have been discovered in this research but still Company after Company retires from lack of Astartes. Indeed, many within the Apothecarian have abandoned the quest for a genetic cure and concentrate merely on improving the implantation success rate to augment the chapter's numbers.

 

More precise. Not preciser.

 

It possibly should be 'company' instead of 'Company'. I'm muddling through the functioning of pronouns with my own IA(s) at the moment.

 

Many knowledgeable outsiders have considered the possibility of substituting Raven Guard geneseed from Mars as a method of abating or even halting the chapter's slow demise. For its own inscrutable reasons, the chapter has not undertaken this radical course of action. Some suggest that for any chapter to utilise another's, even from the same primogenitor, would be sacrilege of the utmost kind and dishonour all who had bore the chapter's heraldry before them. However, others point to the relatively unsuperstitious attitude of the Gryphon Guard and whisper of far darker reasons for the chapter not trying this course of salvation. Rumours swirl of a rift between the Mechanicus and the Gryphon Guard still existing after the disastrous conclusion of the Vureess-6 Explorator expedition, millennia ago. Even grimmer speculation is barely dared to be breathed, that the Raven Guard themselves require all the geneseed stock to stop their own degeneration into monsters.

 

Er...they could just draw on their own tithed geneseed. Indeed, I think that's what the Raven Guard do.

 

The origins of the geneseed flaw is fully understood by the Chapter. Every recruit is taught of the actions of Corax during the last days of the Horus Heresy and how this has left seemingly irreparable damage upon all of his sons. The vast majority of marines accept his actions as necessary and even justified as the fledgling Imperium emerged from the anarchy of the Heresy. However, Corax is not revered within the chapter as many primarchs are within their legion's descendants. Although he is honoured for the hard choices he made, he is also despised for his weakness in leaving his sons and the Imperium with his duty unfulfilled. This pull of hatred against love and devotion makes Corax's place in the chapter's beliefs difficult to comprehend for any outsider. It is seemingly no surprise that the Emperor is honoured further than normal given this spiritual conflict.

 

Expand on the last sentence a little more.

 

Chapter Name Origins

It was during the quelling of the Paln Uprising that the chapter was baptised in the harsh flames of war. Against the heretic rebels, the newborn chapter defended the Governor and what remained of his government. The back of the rebellion was broken during the siege of the Governor's Palace, where fully half the currently unnamed chapter manned the walls while the remainder crushed the traitors against the gate during the last days of the month long siege. As the sun set on the carnage, the only objects left standing were the Astartes and the proud gryphon statues atop the walls.

 

Eh. Not really that exciting, IMO. And feels kind of arbitrary. I mean, why aren't they the Governor Guard? Or the Big-Building Guard?

 

N

early every Astartes has sadly accepted the chapter's impending extinction. A few Apothecaries still fervently seek a solution but the rest of the chapter prepares to sell their lives as dearly as possible. As it draws nearer, a greater sense of melancholy has spread among the marines. This sadness has not inhibited combat performance, if anything it has merely spurred the chapter on as it fights for the past and to ensure its proud combat record remains unsullied instead of fighting for the future. The chapter has no illusions about the reality of death and no chaplain preaches such follies as eternal feasts at the side of the Emperor to their brethren. The only thing left to push the Astartes on is their duty to the chapter, each other and the Emperor, in the hope that the Imperium will survive long enough for its creator to walk the galaxy again. Every Astartes death is mourned and every new recruit welcomed with pride and yet also sorrow. It is a brave and proud stand the chapter makes as it spends the last of its lifeblood in the defence of mankind and its future, knowing that it has none itself.

 

There's worlds of expansion possible here - the Chapter is dying. Sinking into slow decline as their geneseed betrays them. Milk it.

 

* * *

 

More slow death. Less other stuff. Careful with the writing, for some of it is very awkward. Cowbell optional, but encouraged.

 

Focus on the Chapter's death and it'll all come together. You could consider something almost based on the four steps of grieving. They're into acceptance, but explaining their history in light of the other three might be neat.

[Sigismund Himself]

Well, since these guys are taking part in the Liber Campaign I should probably have another go at editing them. Plus I have university exams coming up and I always seem to work better on IAs during them. Sense, this does not make.

 

Any more comments/critiques would be welcome, before I rip into this and start tinkering.

 

The Raven Guard get gene shipments from Mars - why do the Gryphon Guard not?

 

Girant lies in the galactic south-east, the sole inhabitable planet in the Latub system. Classified as a deathworld by the Imperium, the surface of the world is predominantly covered by subtropical forest. Among this deadly landscape and under the perpetually stormy sky, the long barbarised ancestors of human settlers struggle to survive the dangerously light days and nights lit only by lightning. Many chapters would believe these savages a more than satisfactory source of recruits but the chapter introduced further elements to increase the suitability. The tribal legends talk of when angels walked the planet and spread word of how only those that had proved themselves worthy by killing another man would be admitted to the side of the eagle. From this the practise of ritual combat at full moons started, often involving young children as their parents seek to ensure they will join them in the afterlife.

 

This whole paragraph feels kind of awkward. Furthermore, I'm not sure that would really increase their suitability that much - and it could have a catastrophic effect on the population base.

A good point, though 40k seems to lack most elements of scientific ideas like this.

 

From this stock, the chapter draws its members. Taking the pragmatic and tribal mindset of the natives, the chapter's hypnotherapy shears the potential recruits of their superstitions and fears, replacing them with knowledge and duty. A brother of the Gryphon Guard is capable of total analytical thought and yet tempers this with the ties of their chapter, company and squad. Knowledge is not for knowledge's sake in their eyes but for use as a weapon for the Emperor's cause. It is this dichotomy between the savage tribesman and the intellectual master that is part of the chapter's very soul. Every measure and step taken in the chapter's long existence has been determined by the outcome of this internal conflict. The chapter's impending demise is examined by each Astartes both analytically and primitively tribally as possible, emotionlessly calculating the small odds of survival or the amount of enemies able to be killed as the chapter dies while also thinking of the glory of the chapter's name and raging against the eternal blackness of death.

 

Only an Australian would think sheep metaphors lend themselves to a martial culture.

 

Again, very awkward. And while I like the idea of the tribal and professional natures and the conflict and union between them, you're rather overselling it here. Wax a little less loquacious.

Guilty on the metaphor :tu: And I agree on the awkwardness, some sentences need cutting/restructuring.

 

I'm not sure why its value would be that increased - it's not like the enemies of Space Marines get to spend that much time listening to them.

It's more that they can now use it more practically in covert operations.

 

The duality here isn't executed well - there needs to be some explanation or reason for why some practices are barbaric and tribal while other things are evidently wondrous and important. Honestly, it might be better to eliminate the whole 'two minds' angle and focus more on the decline of the Chapter. It could be interesting as part of that - perhaps they grow more tribal as they can be less picky about recruits?

Good call on explaining why they cut some elements and not others. And I think they would become more picky with recruits, if anything. But the idea on the decline tying into them becoming more tribal is an interesting one...

 

Er...they could just draw on their own tithed geneseed. Indeed, I think that's what the Raven Guard do.

I'm trying to play up the grimdark, politicking and 'everything is a lie' nature of 40k, while trying to find a plausible reason for them dying. I'm trying to suggest that either the RG require all of their tithe to stop themselves turning into raven-ous (:P) monsters, the Ad Mech hold a deep grudge against the GG or the chapter is too proud to use another's geneseed. Any combination of them might be true.

 

Eh. Not really that exciting, IMO. And feels kind of arbitrary. I mean, why aren't they the Governor Guard? Or the Big-Building Guard?

Because they don't have quite the same ring to them, really.

 

More slow death. Less other stuff. Careful with the writing, for some of it is very awkward. Cowbell optional, but encouraged.

Taken to heart. More cowbell is always compulsory.

 

Thanks Oct, a few months late for my response to it but much appreciated.

[Octavulg]

Well, since these guys are taking part in the Liber Campaign I should probably have another go at editing them. Plus I have university exams coming up and I always seem to work better on IAs during them. Sense, this does not make.

 

Likewise. Desperation is a powerful motivator. Not necessarily a motivator to solve what you're desperate about, of course.

 

I'm trying to play up the grimdark™, politicking and 'everything is a lie' nature of 40k, while trying to find a plausible reason for them dying. I'm trying to suggest that either the RG require all of their tithe to stop themselves turning into raven-ous (tongue.gif) monsters, the Ad Mech hold a deep grudge against the GG or the chapter is too proud to use another's geneseed. Any combination of them might be true.

 

The RG may just have more pull than the Gryphon Guard do. First Founding chapter collapsing? Problem. Random chapter? Not so much. I was figuring that the GG would use their own tithe, though. Just to be clear.

 

Because they don't have quite the same ring to them, really.

 

True enough. But still a rather weak source of a name for the chapter. You don't need to explain their name, you know.

 

Thanks Oct, a few months late for my response to it but much appreciated.

 

Amateur. flintlocklaser took sixteen months. Shape up and try less next time.