Index Astartes: Iron Foxes

[Luy22]

Beliefs

Warcry

”Fires guide us!!"

Geneseed

They are of Ultramarines stock.

[Luy22]

I'd say I like the way this came out... Though I could use some more practice with BBCode.

[GhostLegion]

.....this is not going to sound nice, so let me appologize straight out for that....

 

I think I made it about five sentances in before the eyeball kicking got to really hurt. The short, choppy sentances you are using are a severe pain to read...more complex sentances and prose will vastly improve the reader's ability to move through your text. I know many IA articles end up being dry, but cobbling bullet statements into a paragraph just does not work. Honestly, the first paragraph reads more like a powerpoint slide than any sort of article I have ever encountered; professonally or for entertainment. Sadly, the second paragraph seems to go too far in the other direction. There you are incorporating far too many ideas into single sentances with brutal joins, which oddly does not help the reader again.... I guess this problematic reversal flows through the whole of your piece, so working through the concept to generate something a little more readable will significantly help your readers to get a vision of your idea.

 

A second point is one that is rarely noticed or understood anymore. Typically, written english does not accept using numerals for numbers under ten. Most people will actually tell you to always spell out numbers in prose (like IA articles), though there are exceptions for large numbers (40,000 for instance). It is important to note that even exceptions have limitations... Please spell out your numbers.

 

The recruiting section, as it is currently written, says...well nothing. I highly recommend reading the recruiting secrions of other IAs, preferably the official ones as what we do here is truely a form of mimicry. Other member IAs will also help you as well.

 

Overall content wise I do not actually see anything that sets your chapter apart from the crowd. There may be a couple interesting ideas in there somewhere, but the eyeball kicking just hurt me too much to dig (sorry, I did try!). I do not feel that the tribe description sidebar really does your thoughts justice, and I suspect you would be better off incorporating the ideas there into your organization section. In a similar vein, I would point out that the overly specialized nature of the chapter companies focusing on single areas of combat would likely reduce the odds of the chapter employing actual company formations. It is far more likely a deployment would be a hodgepodge of squads and individuals from several companies/tribes...thus leading to a more in-depth description of the chapter organization being needed.

 

Questions

Why kitsunes? This seems a little cliche'd and doesn't seem to fit into the 40k setting (to me anyway).

 

How do your marines know the Tau 'weapon/ship/whatever' is the Hammer II? What happened to the first Hammer? Why are the Tau even involved in your chapter?...this seems a little like you are reaching for an enemy and name-dropped the Tau in for no apparent reason other than you like the idea of Tau v Kitsune...

 

Tea Ceremony? Why? Again, this does not feel right in the 40k setting (to me anyway) as you have it written.

 

 

 

 

...I think that's about as far as I want to take it for the moment. I don't like scaring people off straight away, and I rather suspect you have a lot to think on at the moment.

[Luy22]

.....this is not going to sound nice, so let me appologize straight out for that....

 

I think I made it about five sentances in before the eyeball kicking got to really hurt. The short, choppy sentances you are using are a severe pain to read...more complex sentances and prose will vastly improve the reader's ability to move through your text. I know many IA articles end up being dry, but cobbling bullet statements into a paragraph just does not work. Honestly, the first paragraph reads more like a powerpoint slide than any sort of article I have ever encountered; professonally or for entertainment. Sadly, the second paragraph seems to go too far in the other direction. There you are incorporating far too many ideas into single sentances with brutal joins, which oddly does not help the reader again.... I guess this problematic reversal flows through the whole of your piece, so working through the concept to generate something a little more readable will significantly help your readers to get a vision of your idea.

 

A second point is one that is rarely noticed or understood anymore. Typically, written english does not accept using numerals for numbers under ten. Most people will actually tell you to always spell out numbers in prose (like IA articles), though there are exceptions for large numbers (40,000 for instance). It is important to note that even exceptions have limitations... Please spell out your numbers.

 

The recruiting section, as it is currently written, says...well nothing. I highly recommend reading the recruiting secrions of other IAs, preferably the official ones as what we do here is truely a form of mimicry. Other member IAs will also help you as well.

 

Overall content wise I do not actually see anything that sets your chapter apart from the crowd. There may be a couple interesting ideas in there somewhere, but the eyeball kicking just hurt me too much to dig (sorry, I did try!). I do not feel that the tribe description sidebar really does your thoughts justice, and I suspect you would be better off incorporating the ideas there into your organization section. In a similar vein, I would point out that the overly specialized nature of the chapter companies focusing on single areas of combat would likely reduce the odds of the chapter employing actual company formations. It is far more likely a deployment would be a hodgepodge of squads and individuals from several companies/tribes...thus leading to a more in-depth description of the chapter organization being needed.

 

Questions

Why kitsunes? This seems a little cliche'd and doesn't seem to fit into the 40k setting (to me anyway).

 

How do your marines know the Tau 'weapon/ship/whatever' is the Hammer II? What happened to the first Hammer? Why are the Tau even involved in your chapter?...this seems a little like you are reaching for an enemy and name-dropped the Tau in for no apparent reason other than you like the idea of Tau v Kitsune...

 

Tea Ceremony? Why? Again, this does not feel right in the 40k setting (to me anyway) as you have it written.

 

 

 

 

...I think that's about as far as I want to take it for the moment. I don't like scaring people off straight away, and I rather suspect you have a lot to think on at the moment.

 

Will edit this stuff tomorrow.

 

The Kitsune is a mythical creature. A fox with nine tails (hence the nine companies). It's no different than Space Wolves (to me at least).

 

Yeah I've got to edit out the tea ceremony stuff, with the changing of the fluff, it doesn't fit. The Hammer II thing too, has to be edited out.

 

There will be one day when I submit a good IA. lol

[Viray]

Some points I would like to make:

 

- Avoid using pronouns at the start of each new section until you have reintroduced the subject being discussed.

 

Ex:

The Blazing Kitsunes are unique that they only have 9 companies of Space marines, each having a slightly larger number than a normal space marine company.

Also, why?

 

-

This in turn affects their Beliefs and Organization.

You don't have to capitalize beliefs or organization, though I get why you did that. :lol:

 

- Watch out for your use of tense; try to keep it consistent throughout the work. (Personally, I found it disconcerting that your "History" section was written in the present tense)

 

-

The 9 'tribes' are in turn lead by a Kyubi no Kitsune (nine-tailed fox), which will play the role usually associated with a Chapter Master in other Space marines chapter.

"Kyubi no Kitsune guide us!!"

This is just me splitting hairs, but I believe you should avoid mixing languages in a sentence. Having a sentence read along the lines of something like "Aeternus Imperator deliver us," seems, at least to me, awkward.

 

- Lastly

There will be one day when I submit a good IA. lol

Hey, at least you have the dedication to start and already have something to show for it.

[Hubernator]

...I feel somewhat annoyed that you only took my paragrah from the other thread and copy-pasted it into yours, with the only tweaks being including your Chapter ;)

[Luy22]

...I feel somewhat annoyed that you only took my paragrah from the other thread and copy-pasted it into yours, with the only tweaks being including your Chapter :P

 

Will try to tweak it more. Sorry dude.

 

As for the language thing, yeah I'll change that up too.

[NightrawenII]

Ho-ho, B&C members gathering to slaughter a unexperienced DIYer ideas? Let me in!! ;)

An unknown 11th founding chapter was tasked in conquering the world of Talko Primaris.

A logical falancy; if the Chapter is unknown, how could be tasked with conquering....?

 

 

.....this is not going to sound nice, so let me appologize straight out for that....

A second point is one that is rarely noticed or understood anymore. Typically, written english does not accept using numerals for numbers under ten. Most people will actually tell you to always spell out numbers in prose (like IA articles), though there are exceptions for large numbers (40,000 for instance). It is important to note that even exceptions have limitations... Please spell out your numbers.

Depends on the number.

For dates, foundings and comabnies is better to use numeral.

 

The recruiting section, as it is currently written, says...well nothing. I highly recommend reading the recruiting secrions of other IAs, preferably the official ones as what we do here is truely a form of mimicry. Other member IAs will also help you as well.

To be honest, he should read THESE(the pics are click-able) to get a rough idea, how to make a IA.

 

Why kitsunes? This seems a little cliche'd and doesn't seem to fit into the 40k setting (to me anyway).

Why Gryphon, Minotaur or Hydra?

Kitsuen is mythical creature, japanese creature, but mythical no less.

 

 

The Kitsune is a mythical creature. A fox with nine tails (hence the nine companies). It's no different than Space Wolves (to me at least).

Hold on, my friend. Not everyone on this board is manga-analphabet. The Kitsune is fox-spirit or spirit -fox(pick, whatever you want), but the Kyubi is the one with nine tails.

 

...I feel somewhat annoyed that you only took my paragrah from the other thread and copy-pasted it into yours, with the only tweaks being including your Chapter :P

Let no good deed go unpunished, let no evil deed go unrewarded? :P

 

edit: forget link

[Luy22]

Edited the original post a bit, and will take into account the stuff in the previous post. Beliefs I am still working on, along with organization. Not too sure what to put. We are gonna go through a massive overhaul here. ;)