Black Templars Successor Chapter

[Odin Ravenwing]

So anyone who read my other WIP Sons of Aquosus hello again. I had to take a step back from them because I realized I was being a little ambitious with them off the bat specially sense I am returning to the table top and relearning alot of the WH40k lore.

 

With that I took some inspiration from my family heritage. Though I am still trying to confirm the possibility of this I found I may have long family ties to the teutonic knights. Knightly orders have always been a big interest in me so I have been doing some research on them and decided to due a loosely based aspect of them as a chapter. Though reading up on chapters, primarly the Black Templars, they were already very similar. So here is a basic outline thus far.

 

 

Chapter Name: (Undecided at this point)

Homeworld: Cemetary World(Not yet named)

Sector: Somewhere in the Segmentum Pacificus

GeneSeed: Rogal Dorn

Parent Chapter: Black Templars

Mutations: Missing sus-an membrane, Betchers gland, and Omophagea.

Founding: 4th Founding

 

Founding

 

According to records the *Insert spiffy chapter name here* says were formed to deal with growing ork and traitor legion threats in the Sementum Pacificus. However, whispers through the imperium say it may have been an atempt to keep the Black Templars in check as they began to stray from the codex. As decades past and the chapter progressed through small conflicts with orks and subdueing small outbreaks of heretics they sought for greater conflict to prove their worth to the emperor. To their prayers they were rewarded when a large orc Waaggh attacked their homeworld. The 10th company held as long as they could but the Ork Waagh proved to much for them and a distress call was sent. The 4th and 5th companies rushed back only to arive only to find the last squad of scouts fighting along side their techpriests,chaplains and even serfs defending their fortress. As the companies deployed with a precision drop pod deployment it was clear that the rest of the population of the planet had been killed by the orks. The quick deployment was able to push back the ork attackers. As the companies formed to take the fight back to the orks a bright flash blinded the stalwart marines. As the light faded what now stood before them was far worse then orks. Chaos Forces had infiltrated themselves onto their homeworld and drew orks to the planet to use as a diversion while they made preperation to attack the chapter and draw as many of them back to their fortress. An massed amount of traitor legionaires stood before them led by a Daemon Prince. The battle raged for ten long days before another call for aid was sent. As the remain chapters arrived at their home planet all they found were the ruins of the local population and nothing but the bodies of their brothers and the foes they had slain.

 

Structure

 

Pre-Homeworld Massacre

 

Prior to the massacre on their homeworld *Insert spiffy chapter name here* were your standerd codex adherent chapter. Rumors say they were strictly regulated to keep them from deviating as their parent chapter has. However, like their parent chapter they have kept pyskers off the battle field.

 

Post Massacre

 

However, much changed after the massacre for the chapter. With their home world now the site of mass graves and most of their chapters relics stolen by a *insert chaos warband here* they deviated from the codex. Keeping the company structure, aside from those that were destroyed, the chapter was rearanged in sorts. The exact reasoning for the new structure isn't widly known most speculate they just wanted to follow in the foot steps of their parent chapter others say they didn't want a repeat of history. All that is known now is that one company stays on their homeworld to watch over the graves of those who fell and deal with the remaining orks that still run rampent through the ruins of their world. The other six chapters are out on crusades much like their parent chapter. Most follow leads on the Chaos Warband that pillaged their fortress in attempts to find and take back their relics. Others seem to be on a rampage after orks. However, these crusadeing fleets rotate objectives every 5 to 10 years. This exchange period is done during their recruiting from the Feudal worlds that are near by their homeworld. Great icons and near fanatical orders have risen on these planets and supply recruits to the chapter. Witness reports and rumors have risen that those who are to mature and can not receive the gene-seed of the chapter and put into a imperial guard company that travels with the crusadeing fleet assisting them in their ventures.

 

Beliefs

 

*Spiffy chapter name here* believe in the pureification of all chaos taint above all else. Their goal to seek out all possible taint of chaos and purge it from the universe in an attempt to take back relics lost to them. Second to their beliefs is the cleansing of orks. If chaos is not under the eyes of these marines then it is most definatly the green skin plague.

[NightrawenII]

*sigh*

 

Odin, did you bother to read the Guide to DIYing or the Octaguide?

 

Black Templars are one of Don'ts of DYI for several reasons and each of them is explained in both guides.

 

Shrine World is in fiefdom of Eccclesiarchy, therefore is very unlikely to be at disposal for marines recruitment(or as the Homeworld), especially given the friction between Astartes and Ministorum.

 

-Company suffered major losses during a campaign lowering them to 7 companies.

-After a major campaign each of the remaining companies went on crusades and return to their home system to pick up intiants every 5 to 10 years. Alternate planet to planet each time.

Why would they do that?

Any normal chapter would simply rebuild their numbers and continue in the codex way.

 

-Most companies seek out ancient relics, imperium and xeno alike, to bring back to their homeworld for study, restoration, and archieving.

Xeno-tech is filthy and disgusting, kill it with fire.

[Ace Debonair]

EDIT: Argh, Ninja'd! Now I know how it feels! :)

 

Chapter Name: (Undecided at this point)

Homeworld: Shrine World (Not yet named)

Sector: Somewhere in the Segmentum Pacificus

GeneSeed: Rogal Dorn

Parent Chapter: Imperial Fists/Black Templars

Mutations: Missing sus-an membrane, Betchers gland, and Omophagea.

Founding: Wanting them to be third or fourth ( Don't think thats to realistic though)

 

Third or fourth founding is fine. In fact, people hardly ever make fourth founding chapters, so I reccomend that. :P

 

As for the geneseed - IF is a fine lineage, but the High Lords of Terra are about as likely to create a BT successor as they are to form a barbershop quartet. (or whichever number, I have no idea how many HLoT there are :P )

 

Remember, the Templars give the High Lords a lot of headaches. They'd be much more likely to go with the original Fists as a parent chapter. :P

 

-After a major campaign each of the remaining companies went on crusades and return to their home system to pick up intiants every 5 to 10 years. Alternate planet to planet each time.

Do you mean the whole chapter recruits from one planet every 5-10 years, or that each company recruits from a different planet?

-Following in the Black Templars foot steps have eliminated pyskers from combant but still use them for non-combat tasks such as astropaths and navigators.

-Most companies seek out ancient relics, imperium and xeno alike, to bring back to their homeworld for study, restoration, and archieving.

Hate of psykers, but OK with xeno tech? That seems an unlikely balance for a Dornish chapter to strike. I'd reccomend dropping the xeno-tech stuff, as I'm not sure your chapter will need it. :D

[Sigismund Himself]

I think the anti-Black Templar cadre comments are a little off. As long as the Founding of the new chapter happens early in the Imperium's history when the Black Templar's huge numbers are less likely yet to have accrued, such as here, I see no problem with their use as a founding cadre myself.

 

Currently, the biggest jump you have to make is from the extremely xenophobic viewpoint of the Templars to your chapter's capturing of alien relics. This will also help nail down the most important thing for the chapter, their beliefs and view of the world around them. So far you've listed some events that's happened to the chapter plus some details of how they operate and that's fine :D But I think that you might be better served by trying to explain their core character or put more basically, the reason why they get out of bed in the morning and go fight the enemies of mankind.

[Octavulg]

Though there's still the issue of the way they're kind of, well, jerky.

 

I mean, I wouldn't ask the Black Templars when the IF or CF were around.

 

And they're quite upfront about being non-Codex, which might not be a popular viewpoint at that point in time.

[Odin Ravenwing]

Well first I will clean up the outline either tonight or tommorow sometime. The input so far has helped me out. Now to address some of the points.

 

 

-Yes I did read the guides, but I do like to push the limit a bit though just because their are successor chapters of the BT.

 

- For the Shrine World I wasn't sure how to go about it I wanted a place of worship like a holy land to be their base of operations. However, they do not recruit from their homeworld just the worlds around it. I almost didn't want it to be a traditional shrine world. Maybe just to them it is like their is an icon or worship to the chapter on that planet and people travel from all over on a pilgrimage to see this icon.

 

-As for the 7 companies topic, well to put it simply I like off the wall things I wanted to be slightly codex adherant but then kind of divert away from it slightly. So to put it I wanted the company feel put with a BT Crusader Fleet feeling. So these 7 companies have more then 100 marines apiece.

 

- As for the xeno tech yeah after I posted kinda felt it was much and even trying to justify it by saying they want to better know their enemies would possibly lead to corruption. Much like horus.

 

-I think that settles that, a 4th founding IF successor.

 

-For the recruiting issue. Well we have Companies 1-7 and planets 1-7. Year one company 1 recruits from planet 1 2 to 2 3 to 3 so on and son on. 5- 10 years later, company 1 stops at planet 2 2 to 3 3to 4 so on and so on. Its a round robin method they just cycle to the next planet every so many years.

 

so hopefully didnt miss any more input if so I will just reply to those the best I can. Like I said at the top look for a more refined outline sometime tommorow. Then I will work a moc-up history and move to the acctual IA.

[Odin Ravenwing]

I think the anti-Black Templar cadre comments are a little off. As long as the Founding of the new chapter happens early in the Imperium's history when the Black Templar's huge numbers are less likely yet to have accrued, such as here, I see no problem with their use as a founding cadre myself.

 

Currently, the biggest jump you have to make is from the extremely xenophobic viewpoint of the Templars to your chapter's capturing of alien relics. This will also help nail down the most important thing for the chapter, their beliefs and view of the world around them. So far you've listed some events that's happened to the chapter plus some details of how they operate and that's fine :woot: But I think that you might be better served by trying to explain their core character or put more basically, the reason why they get out of bed in the morning and go fight the enemies of mankind.

 

 

I didn't think of it that way I may leave it as a Black Templar successor then.

[CKO]

I to am a son of dorn aswell :D, and when i started to write my new IA i fail into the similarity trap. You dont have to use the name Black Templar in your IA to justify your chapter traits, you simply give it to them. Its not a big deal that your chapter acts differently, but it becomes a problem when they act a certain way because that is how the Black Templar behave, its like your jumping on a band wagon. That is one of the first rules of making a chapter, they are suppose to be codex, but because of whatever reason they deviate into something that is more unique or in our case chapters that have Black Templar characteristics.

[Octavulg]

-Yes I did read the guides, but I do like to push the limit a bit though just because their are successor chapters of the BT.

 

You seem to be saying one of two things, but I honestly can't tell which because (and I mean no offense) that is a really badly written sentence.

 

So are you saying:

 

You like to push the limits a bit just because?

 

OR

 

There are other successors of the BT?

 

To the first, I'd say that breaking rules because they're there is...pointless. All it does is alienate people. Breaking rules because you think you can do something interesting if you do is one thing, but the impulse to break rules just because they're there

 

To the second, I'd say: really? I've never seen any official ones.

 

Sig does raise a good point that at the start of the Imperium, they might have been more open to the idea (though I still think that the whole non-Codex crazy crusaders who hate psykers thing would have discouraged that). However, that doesn't necessarily deal with one of my other points - if you want the Black Templars all over again, just play Black Templars. Of course, if you like some of their character facets and want to put a unique spin on them, that's a different matter.

 

However, none of that changes anything since the Octaguide is a guide, not the be-all rules of how to do things well, and you're perfectly free to ignore it if you want. There are no rules to writing IAs beyond some vague adherence to the format and some aspects of the writing style, and those are only rules because if you don't follow at least some of them you aren't writing an IA any more.

 

That said, there is a world of difference between writing an IA and writing a good IA, and paying attention to advice is an important part of bridging that gap.

 

What was the point of all that? You don't have to listen to people, but sometimes it helps.

 

I think.

[Odin Ravenwing]

CKO- I appreciate the words of wisdom.

 

Octavulg - yeah I know I have a bad time separating thoughts sometimes and my grammar sucks when I am in a hurry. So, I apologize for the way I word that for the simple fact of confusion. I am a lore chunky I enjoy drowning myself in the lore and history in a game and/or story line that I enjoy. When we have the freedom to use that lore and add our own stories I like to push the limits not really to break the rules but to see how far is to far. As this is purely just the outline of the fluff for them I know I don't have much on the why behind the who and even really the who behind the name. Seeing as how I know I have gaps in my own knowledge and I'm looking to still fill that I am defiantly looking for the best feedback in order to make sure that I don't throw something out there like I did when not really listening the first time.

 

My brain works in odd ways I always seek the why behind the why not and find a way around that. By no means is it an attempt to make a bad IA or make myself an outsider though it happens more often then not. I simply put just think outside the box that is outside the box if that makes sense.

 

Please no one take this the wrong way I just don't want to make an IA that's basically like every other one out their. Every chapter is unique and their is guidelines to follow. I simply have that drive to find the "loophole" say this can be done when by all real means it shouldn't.

 

I am currently sifting through the Lexicanum to find the chapter that I saw that was the BT successor. I may be wrong in the end but I could have sworn I saw one that was. once I find it I will post it up.

[Odin Ravenwing]

Ok, so I was unsuccessful in finding that chapter. However, you have chapters like the White Templars, Red Templars even the Hospitalers that could all be potential successor chapters of the BT.

[Viray]

Please no one take this the wrong way I just don't want to make an IA that's basically like every other one out their. Every chapter is unique and their is guidelines to follow. I simply have that drive to find the "loophole" say this can be done when by all real means it shouldn't.

Well, making a unique IA is what the Liber is all about; all the advice everyone gives here is meant to accomplish that goal. It would be a logical fallacy, though understandable, to believe that adhering to said guidelines would produce something cookie cutter.

 

With that said, I would like to also point out that deviation is not unknown nor entirely unwelcome (at least I think :P ) and I am not trying to discourage you from exploring your ideas. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: there are guidelines to writing an IA, and people here like those guidelines a lot, but, utimately, they are merely as their name suggests. You can bend most of them, but you will need a very good explanation.

 

Ok, so I was unsuccessful in finding that chapter. However, you have chapters like the White Templars, Red Templars even the Hospitalers that could all be potential successor chapters of the BT.

The similarities displayed in these Chapters' names does not necessarily mean they are a Black Templare successor. Like stated prior, the Black Templars' belief system would not be something the High Lords of Terra would be too keen on propogating. Truly, why are you so keen on having them be a successor of the Black Templars anyway? I suppose if you could be more specific as to what you think such a detail would add to your Chapter, then either everyone will go "Oohh, I see," or will be in a better position to suggest a more plausible alternative.

[Master Gabriel Macleod]

Odin, The guide lines are just that guides line, they are Not set in stone. I say do what you thinks is best for you. The IA is you work take what the other say and learn from ot but its still your IA. Yes they may say must follow the rules but GW has its own way of doing IA and dont share how thy do it. So GW can change how the 40k vers is made at any time it wants and what fluff is canon are not. I beleave that its you work and you put your heart and soul into it, do your best and be proud what you have done. I know some will not like what I say and I'm fine with that. I have been playing 40k for twenty+ years now.

 

 

I thinks that been one of the successors of the BT is just fine as long as you follow the 40k vers.

 

 

What is your Chapter Like?

What is its beleifs and core values.

How do they view the Imperium?

How do they view the people they protect or pugre?

Their view of Traitor Legions and other renagades?

 

Come up with an outline of what you think your Chapter should be or not be. Just a thought.

 

MGM

[NightrawenII]

Please no one take this the wrong way I just don't want to make an IA that's basically like every other one out their. Every chapter is unique and their is guidelines to follow. I simply have that drive to find the "loophole" say this can be done when by all real means it shouldn't.

So, what are you saying is this:

I wont be satisfied until I find a loophole, because that's what makes my ideas interesting?

*sigh*

Oh, man. Listen to the Octalvug, he forgot more things about writing of IA, than you will ever hope to learn. ^_^

 

Right now, you are exploring and expanding shared Universe, this universe has given rules. Do you want break these? Fine for you, but don't expect of people to sympathize with you. Actually, it'll have exactly opposite effect, it'll alienate people, who enjoy these very rules and they will be vocal and harsh with their objections.

 

Seriously, for some strange reason, DIYers are under impression that breaking rules(or pushing the lines) make their IAs unique and interesting.

My response to such thinking is this: There is 1000+1 ways how to make your IA interesting or unique, breaking the rules is just easy way to piss off people.

 

Edit:

- For the Shrine World I wasn't sure how to go about it I wanted a place of worship like a holy land to be their base of operations. However, they do not recruit from their homeworld just the worlds around it. I almost didn't want it to be a traditional shrine world. Maybe just to them it is like their is an icon or worship to the chapter on that planet and people travel from all over on a pilgrimage to see this icon.

 

-As for the 7 companies topic, well to put it simply I like off the wall things I wanted to be slightly codex adherant but then kind of divert away from it slightly. So to put it I wanted the company feel put with a BT Crusader Fleet feeling. So these 7 companies have more then 100 marines apiece.

 

-For the recruiting issue. Well we have Companies 1-7 and planets 1-7. Year one company 1 recruits from planet 1 2 to 2 3 to 3 so on and son on. 5- 10 years later, company 1 stops at planet 2 2 to 3 3to 4 so on and so on. Its a round robin method they just cycle to the next planet every so many years.

Ok. after some thinking....

 

Shrine World is off limits for same reason Forge World is, a fiefdom of another Adeptus.

 

Now, you will be better off with a Fleet-based Chapter. This way you can keep the crusading vibe of BT, multiple recruiting worlds and it somewhat explain the under-strength. Which brings to the question; Do you have IA9? There is a interesting blurb about Foundation of crusading Chapters.

[Ecritter]

Please no one take this the wrong way I just don't want to make an IA that's basically like every other one out their. Every chapter is unique and their is guidelines to follow. I simply have that drive to find the "loophole" say this can be done when by all real means it shouldn't.

 

A writer after my own heart. Just be careful ... loopholes can be pitfalls aswell.

 

I suggest you check the top two links in my sig. Both are unique, although the White Hand Chapter does push the envelope a bit. Unique is what it's all about, and there are limitless ways to be unique and stay in the shared universe as well .... much like the Sons of Pyron.

 

What I'm saying is, be careful ... we're here to help and we will, as long as you don't alienate us. Trust me that comes from experience.

[Ace Debonair]

Please no one take this the wrong way I just don't want to make an IA that's basically like every other one out their. Every chapter is unique and their is guidelines to follow. I simply have that drive to find the "loophole" say this can be done when by all real means it shouldn't.

Fair enough, everyone wants their chapter to be something unique to them.

 

But by the same token, you should be aware the DIY guide is written by people who have seen it all before, dozens of times. If something in there advises against doing something, it's because people have already tried - and failed - to make it work.

 

That said, if you really do want a BT successor, then give it a shot. :D

If it doesn't work out the way you hoped, it's not like you can't always change it later.

[Octavulg]

Odin

 

When we have the freedom to use that lore and add our own stories I like to push the limits not really to break the rules but to see how far is to far.

 

There is, oddly, a fairly simple answer to that. Nothing is too far if you’re still attached.

 

Picture the Way Things Are Done as a wall. Your idea can do anything it likes, as long as you tie it to that wall. Hell, your wall doesn’t even have to be the same wall as everyone else’s, as long as you explain where the bricks came from.

 

You only run into problems when you’re no longer touching the wall and no one knows why. People start to ask why, and once they’re asking that about your IA they’re going to stop reading it and start questioning it. And that’s a bad thing.

 

As this is purely just the outline of the fluff for them I know I don't have much on the why behind the who and even really the who behind the name. Seeing as how I know I have gaps in my own knowledge and I'm looking to still fill that I am defiantly looking for the best feedback in order to make sure that I don't throw something out there like I did when not really listening the first time.

 

As a good rule when starting out with things – make it clear what you’re really attached to and want to do, and

 

Please no one take this the wrong way I just don't want to make an IA that's basically like every other one out their. Every chapter is unique and their is guidelines to follow. I simply have that drive to find the "loophole" say this can be done when by all real means it shouldn't.

 

There is no guideline you cannot break if you explain it properly. That’s why they’re guidelines, not rules. That said, breaking rules and guidelines will always cost you some degree of the reader’s belief. Therefore, it makes sense to do it only when you’re getting something out of it. Thus, if you set out to break a rule, you need to make very sure that you’re getting something out of doing so.

 

However, you have chapters like the White Templars, Red Templars even the Hospitalers that could all be potential successor chapters of the BT.

 

I point you to the Angels Porphyr, who are an Ultramarines successor despite their name. Names are indicative, but they’re not guarantees. I mean, it’d make sense if the Chapters you mention were Imperial Fists or Crimson Fists successors, too – considering their shared history, it would seem perfectly possible that they’d adopt such names.

 

* * *

 

Nightrawen

 

Oh, man. Listen to the Octalvug, he forgot more things about writing of IA, than you will ever hope to learn.

 

Go read the first draft of the Ice Lords some time. Everyone starts somewhere – including breaking the rules to justify things when there’s simply no reason to do so. :D

 

However, breaking guidelines and rules is a problem when what you get out of it is less than what it cost you. Otherwise, it isn’t.

 

Seriously, for some strange reason, DIYers are under impression that breaking rules(or pushing the lines) make their IAs unique and interesting.

My response to such thinking is this: There is 1000+1 ways how to make your IA interesting or unique, breaking the rules is just easy way to piss off people.

 

Not wholly right, but by no means wrong.

 

Any fourteen year old can see a rule and break it. Breaking it well is different. Breaking the rules alone is not a source of interest.

 

You can break rules well. However, setting out just to break them is rarely a path to doing this.

 

People love to see a rule well-broken. Including me. But the difference between a rule well-broken and a rule not broken at all is a lot smaller than the difference between a rule badly broken and a rule well-broken.

 

If you put the work in to making people believe it, you can break all the rules you want. But sometimes it can take a lot of work, and sometimes that work still won’t be worth it.

 

* * *

 

tl;dr: If you're breaking the rules, do it right and work at it. If you're not going to, don't do it, since it won't be worth it overall.

[Ecritter]

Lol, I was about to give a point by point C&C ... when I noticed my quotes were empty. Guess you deleted everything just as I hit the quote button. :D

 

I'll C&C it later when I see contents again. :lol:

[Odin Ravenwing]

Thanks for all the feedback, as people can see now I am starting to clean it up a bit and will start throwing in the true fluffy details. Once again it will still be a basic outline and for the most part it will answer the basic concept of where I am going to connect my dots, but will likly rise more questions and concerns. So look for updates on it through out the day.

 

I hold something an old friend of mine told me years ago when I started getting really into fluff of games and RP "You never know how far to far is. Specially when there is no limit to how far it really is."

 

Lol, I was about to give a point by point C&C ... when I noticed my quotes were empty. Guess you deleted everything just as I hit the quote button. :D

 

I'll C&C it later when I see contents again. :lol:

 

 

My Bad E. Yeah I am throwing up the fluffy details should be done with the next outline by tommorow morning at the latest.

[Odin Ravenwing]

Ok so a partial update. A good round about of the founding and how they came to be at 7 companies. Going to start on the structure.

[elohimalpha]

Alright - lots of stuff going on here! All the "guidelines" stuff aside, there's a couple of things I have questions about:

 

- I like the idea of having a "secret purpose" to their founding, but if they're being created to police the Black Templars, why use Black Templar gene-seed? If the High Lords of Terra are so worried about the BTs that they're creating a whole Chapter to watch over them, making essentially another BT isn't going to solve matters. I'd say go with the most unquestionably-loyal HLoT-approved codex-loving Ultramarines. Doesn't mean they can't do the whole crusade thing, but it'll make a "police force" the most reliable. Or, have the HLoT say they're BT (so the BT might trust them) but really have them be another Primarch's seed. Intrigue upon intrigue!

 

- How are they keeping tabs on the Black Templars? Are they following their Crusades? They must be extremely sneaky - I doubt the BTs would have much of a problem blasting your guys into vapor if they caught 'em snooping around.

 

- What were all your other Companies doing off-world at the time? I'm assuming they were out looking to prove themselves, but leaving the noobs to hold down the fort while the big dogs go out to play seems a little . . . careless.

 

- Is this a crusading Chapter? If so, were they before the loss of their home world or after (which makes more sense)?

 

- Also, what were you looking for in a name? Something 'Templar'-ish? I'd go with Knights "something" (Knights Hyperion is pretty rockin' I think. Hyperion ("the High One") was a Titan deity, lord of light, son of Gaia (incarnation of the Earth) and Uranus (the Sky). Lot of symbolism there)

 

Some interesting ideas to build from, and nothing seems too outrageous, so good start! I would suggest keeping the story of the battle its current length - it's important to the Chapter's history, but adding more detail will only detract.

[NightrawenII]

- I like the idea of having a "secret purpose" to their founding, but if they're being created to police the Black Templars, why use Black Templar gene-seed? If the High Lords of Terra are so worried about the BTs that they're creating a whole Chapter to watch over them, making essentially another BT isn't going to solve matters. I'd say go with the most unquestionably-loyal HLoT-approved codex-loving Ultramarines. Doesn't mean they can't do the whole crusade thing, but it'll make a "police force" the most reliable. Or, have the HLoT say they're BT (so the BT might trust them) but really have them be another Primarch's seed. Intrigue upon intrigue!

This and

- What were all your other Companies doing off-world at the time? I'm assuming they were out looking to prove themselves, but leaving the noobs to hold down the fort while the big dogs go out to play seems a little . . . careless.

this.

 

- Also, what were you looking for in a name? Something 'Templar'-ish? I'd go with Knights "something" (Knights Hyperion is pretty rockin' I think. Hyperion ("the High One") was a Titan deity, lord of light, son of Gaia (incarnation of the Earth) and Uranus (the Sky). Lot of symbolism there)

Nothing agains your ideas, but I would use "paladin", both "knight" and "templar" are rather over(ab)used.

[Shinzaren]

Homeworld: Cemetary World(Not yet named)

Cemetery as in the whole world is a dead world filled with dead bodies? Or what? Never heard of a cemetery world before, though this is hardly unique, as I haven't heard of LOTS of things before...

 

Parent Chapter: Black Templars

Why? What is the justification for this? Or should I say, what does your chapter gain from this? You lose credibility and suspension of disbelief, at least from me, so tell me what they gain? Why do they need to be Black Templars? That is the question I want answered most. If this is a trade, and you are giving up something, what are you gaining? You've lost the reader's suspension of disbelief, and what did you get for it?

 

Mutations: Missing sus-an membrane, Betchers gland, and Omophagea.

As far as I am aware, the BT and the IF both have their Omophagea, so in keeping with the earlier question, what does this gain you? You gave it up for a reason, so what are you getting? What do you gain by having a missing/mutated Omophagea implant?

 

According to records the *Insert spiffy chapter name here* says were formed to deal with growing ork and traitor legion threats in the Sementum Pacificus. However, whispers through the imperium say it may have been an atempt to keep the Black Templars in check as they began to stray from the codex.

Ok...how does creating a chapter from BT stock, and having the BT train them keep the BT in check? Seems to me that you have only expanded their sphere of influence by giving them more marines to mold in their very unique and troublesome image...

 

As decades past and the chapter progressed through small conflicts with orks and subdueing small outbreaks of heretics they sought for greater conflict to prove their worth to the emperor. To their prayers they were rewarded when a large orc Waaggh attacked their homeworld.

Yeah, this last sentence needs work. They prayed for a large Ork Waagh? Large Ork Waaghs destroy systems and sub-sectors... You don't invite that upon you.

 

The 10th company held as long as they could but the Ork Waagh proved to much for them and a distress call was sent. The 4th and 5th companies rushed back only to arive only to find the last squad of scouts fighting along side their techpriests,chaplains and even serfs defending their fortress.

You left the kids home alone with no adult supervision? That is irresponsible. Why was 90% of the chapter deployed all at once, especially since you are talking about small conflicts and small outbreaks. 900 marines are not sent to small engagements. 900 marines scour systems.

 

As the companies deployed with a precision drop pod deployment it was clear that the rest of the population of the planet had been killed by the orks.

The entire planet's population? Those Orks are efficient considering that genocide is a very long and painstaking process, since people have a tendency to run, hide, resist, and generally avoid death by any means they can. The exception to this is weapons they can't hide from, like the Exterminatus. But I doubt the Orks used that...

 

The quick deployment was able to push back the ork attackers. As the companies formed to take the fight back to the orks a bright flash blinded the stalwart marines.

Quick deployment pushed back a large Ork Waagh? That seems... unlikely...

 

As the light faded what now stood before them was far worse then orks. Chaos Forces had infiltrated themselves onto their homeworld and drew orks to the planet to use as a diversion while they made preperation to attack the chapter and draw as many of them back to their fortress

Seriously? I just... I don't know about all this... Seems a little unlikely. I feel the idea of Chaos baiting Orks around to fight for them is a D.o.W. thing, and not something all that viable in the actual backround. I could be wrong though. Is there precedent here?

 

An massed amount of traitor legionaires stood before them led by a Daemon Prince. The battle raged for ten long days before another call for aid was sent.

Demon Princes are rare and CRAZY powerful foes in the backround. Combine that with an Ork Waagh, and a whole bunch of traitor legionnaires, and you have a force that no 300 marines are going to be able to stop. They would send out a call IMMEDIATELY. It should also be noted however that Orks live to fight only the strongest foes. They would be all over those Chaos boys like white on rice. Especially with a big Demon Prince at its head.

 

As the remain chapters arrived at their home planet all they found were the ruins of the local population and nothing but the bodies of their brothers and the foes they had slain.

So their chapter is dead or dying then? No more gene-seed means no more chapter. No more population to recruit from means no more chapter. No more initiates (your 10th Company is gone) means no more chapter. You killed your chapter out of the gate.

 

**************************************************************************

Unique-ish idea perhaps, depending on where they go from here. However, you didn't decimate your chapter very uniquely (Chaos came and attacked us), and you're still using BT gene-seed. I would like to more uniqueness and more character, not just BT wanna-bes. Also, lots of spelling, punctuation, and grammar mistakes throughout. Hopefully you stick with these guys and you add their flair, their uniqueness, their Character.

[Odin Ravenwing]

Well I know I slacked a little bit had a busy weekend couldn't jump on and finish this. I do apologize for grammer and the such. I type this up while at work I don't have time to read it back and check my grammer like I do with many an other thing. So before I address some of the issues and questions that have arisen I will finish the last two sections. After those are up I will adress and discuss all sections and then move to the cleaned up Outline before switching to the IA format.

[Odin Ravenwing]

So there we go here is a rough toughed fluffy outline. Time to discuss items that are brought up.