Character i made up, say what you think

[Arcadius Solisto]

I HEREBY CALL UPON THE POWERS OF THE WARP TO DOOM THIS FAIL STORY TO AN ETERNITY OF SUFFERING IN THE WASTELAND OF HELL (dont read this its wrong and a bunch of :P , so the real story is down there after the critic about this one so DONT READ or Tzeentch will frown upon you...)

As the Horus Heresy grew, many leagions fell to the taint of Chaos, one of them being the Thousand Sons, being led by Magnus the Red, adpet of magic (etc...), one of the marines fought against the taint and fled from his "brothers" back to Terra, just to find it under siege, his name was Andreus Moriar, There he fought the Traitors and Heretics at the side of the loyalists, using all his limited magic knowledge to aid the best he could.

 

After Horus was slain, all the Heretics fled into the eye of terror, few being left behind, but unfortunately for Andreus, the Inquisition found evidence (Planted by his fellow Thousand Sons) that pointed Moriar as a heretic and a traitor. As fast as a lightening he was assaulted by Cadilus Assassins, and shot in the leg, being able to flee his attackers, he sought the aid of a long time friend Dante Lycaneus, from the Adeptus Custodes, knowing of his inocence, he guided Moriar though the bowels of the Imperial Palace, to a secret hangar, there he fled on a Thunderhawk, minutes before the custodians arrived and captured Dante.

 

Away from Terra, he drove his Thunderhawk into the eye of Terror, unaware of the Dangers such place posed, his Thunderhawk got thorn to pieces, leaving only a drifting intact cockpit adrift in the warp (the only thing taht kept him alive was the Rubric, who also afected him).

 

For many years, Andreus mind was slowly consumed by a madening voice who kept whispering inside his head (Tzeentch probably, idk yet), eventualy, he landed on the a Black Legion Battle Barge, where there, he(completely insane already) killed 20 Traitor Legionaries bare handed before he was knocked out, Abbadon saw potential, and inserted him in his ranks.

 

Feeling betrayed by the Emperor, he swore to never let himself fool again, quickly raising into the ranks of Chaos Lord and awarded with a terminator armor, he, one night, fled Abbadon's flag ship, taking with him only a tome containing all of his spells, a lightening claw and his staff.

 

He served the Gods (all of them) with so much dedication, that he started recieving gifts, from each and every one of them, Khorne, for the uncoutable Bloodshed he unleashed on every planet he visited, gave to him stregth beyond imagination (enouth only to lift another terminator), Nurgle, for the wave of disease and plague that ravaged the places after he left, contaminated him with a disease that made his joints leak with ooze, thus leaving him painless, Slaanesh, for the (idk yet what he could do to please the sex god), gave him hightened senses, Tzeetch was the most pleased of all, for the knowledge and the sorcery he unleashed, mutated his arm into a giant, flesh rendering claw, whitch chalened the magic, to unleash it twice as strong.

 

These gifts however, cosumed the mind of Andreus, leaving him with no mind at all, becoming a mindless behemoth, unleashing the will of the gods in every way possible...(like the chaos spawn, but with his body intact thanks to the rubric)

 

Once he ended up on an Orc controlled planet, and the Warboss there wanted to stomp'im, so he sent his newly formed Waagh on him... Half the Waagh was massacrated and the Boss was turned into a bloated mass of limbs and flesh (killed... fyi) before they could restrain Moriar "Oy, Diz boy iz realy strong, letz use'im against tha Humies...".

 

And so they did, Andreus was trown in the middle of the Imperial Guard firing line, and there, by the will of Tzeentch he kille them all! Not a single Guardsman was left alive, the Orcs barely got time to attack, since then, the armies have beenbattling each other to posses such effective war weapon, mindless... fearless... painless...

 

It is speculated however that Tzeentch is using this as an advantage in one of his plots, seeing throung his servant eyes, he can see the deepest and most well guarded secrets of the enemyes of chaos...and through all of his enemyes Andreus Moriar has been, seen many things he have... and the gods will use this knowledge one day, to turn the tide... of this war forever...

 

 

-------"-------"--------

 

Ingame now:

Traits:Fearless, feel no pain, The Betrayer (like Khârn), Mindless (attacks the first thing he sees) +5 invulnerable save

Wargear: The staff of tides (just a pretty name for a staff, its just a regular staff) mutated arm of DOOM (still looking for a name...)

Ranged attack like a regular Bolt-pistol, etc... WS-5 BS-5 S-4 T-4 W-3 I-5 A-3 LD-10 SV- 3+

 

SO PPL, what do you say? is it right? he'll cost arround 150 200 points, arround that, so =D peace...

[Erasmus of Baal]

That fluff, to me, sounds iffy at best, with some of his history being completely unbelievable (crushing an entire Ork WAAAGH! on his own? Really? At less than 500 points for the guy?). You don't have to create an epic backstory to create a good special character.

Don't create a new special rule for "Mindless;" just use the "Rage" universal special rule (which doesn't seem to fit your backstory anyways).

"It's just a regular staff," you say. So, what, is it just a close-combat weapon sith no bonuses at all? Is it a two-handed weapon (thus not allowing any extra close-combat weapon bonuses)? Say so.

"mutated arm of DOOM" are you trying to copy the Blood Angels' Captain Tycho with this? What do you even want it to do?

"Ranged attack like a regular Bolt-pistol," you say. Is it just the same profile, or does he have a bolt pistol? If only the same profile, is it not a pistol?

Statline...pretty good. Nothing exceptional going on there.

 

The major issue I have with the guy is that the story makes him sound like he'll be a powerful sorcerer...and then he's just a berserker. You mention him having gifts from all 4 Chaos Gods, but this is in no way reflected in his profile, especially with the complete lack of psychic powers. Decent first try stat-wise, poor at best fluff-wise.

[Chengar Qordath]

I'll second everything Erasmus has said; the fluff gets a bit too over-the-top at times, like having a character who the Dark Gods love even more than Abaddon and the aforementioned "stropped an entire WAAAGH! by himself" bit.

 

For all the problems with his fluff, the actual character statline is if anything too underdeveloped. His rules are bland, and don't really have much beyond a tangential connection to his actual fluff. Khorne supposedly gave him super-strength, but he has a normal S 4, his sorcery gets talked up at a couple points, but he doesn't have any psychic powers, etc. A character's rules should reflect the character itself, and his rules really don't.

 

To bring up a couple more issues with the character background:

1: There are a lot of complications with doing a Loyalist Thousand Son in the Heresy Era; for starters, the Legion was essentially loyal until the Siege of Prospero forced them into a fall or die situation, so the whole idea of a Marine fleeing from a tainted chapter that was not really tainted does not make sense. No loyal Thousand Son would see any reason to abandon his legion until after the fall of Prospero and the Legion's transfer to the Planet of Sorcerers, and by then it is too late to get away.

2: Thunderhawks are not Warp-capable.

3: How could a person in the post-Heresy era (especially a Thousand Son) not know how dangerous the Eye of Terror was?

4: If he was affected by the Rubric of Ahriman, as his background states, then he should be a mindless automaton suit of armor that can only do what a Thousand Sorcerer orders it to do.

[Arcadius Solisto]

Man i need to reformulate the story... damn... ok sooo, i read the chaos codex and the chaos Spawn had a special rule named Mindless, he was an aspiring sorceror at the epoc, who is Captain Tycho?... hmmm and well let me write this again... so he's a sorceror... aand he went into chaos head strait, OH I KNOW, hang on... and please gimme a discount it's my first time making a commander of my own... and i agreee... it failed =( but i will write it again bellow, see if it's more coherent

 

 

Horus Heresy, Thousand Sons are suffering heavy mutations due to the Warp stuff, (he could be part of Ahriman's people, council or so) so he helped in the making of the Rubric and got exiled with the rest, then he received the gifts etc...(or should he receive only one gift from Tzeentch?) and now he dedicates his life to... gather the secrets of the enemyes of chaos and write in his personal Tome, The Tome of SUffering, where he writes all the knowledge he gathers... like spells, and secrets, then he travels the galaxy from here to there (he separated from Ahriman to seek his own mission), his staff, as stated before...its called the Staff ofTides, it's a one-handed staff (due to the Storm Bolter with Inferno Bolts he carries with the other hand, forget the arm =( ) that can shoot lightening(is this state correct please see it for me), he can breathe fire(see if this is correct too), and is a powerfull sorceror, and people hate's him, most of them, and he started gathering his own band of Chaos Marines (rubric most), and stole a Battle Cruiser, he now leads a band of macic powered traitors, and seeks to show to Magnus all he's gathered, once he, as Ahriman, Achieves entrance to the Black Library...

 

Traits: Fearless, invulnerable save +5, Staff of Tides:Force weapon, Inferno Bolts, Mark of Tzeentch(?) independent Character

 

He's a Psyker FYI... better now? what is wrong? what can be better etc etc etc... be gentle =(