First attempt at short story writing, looking for criticism

[Golbat]

Sergeant Aurelius sat in the interior of his squad’s Rhino APC, Wheeljack, as it rumbled across the shell-pocked battlefield. He was occasionally jostled around in his seat as they went over a particularly nasty pothole. Then, the driver’s crackly voice filled the Rhino. “30 seconds until we arrive at the deployment zone, good luck brothers, Emperor protect.” The Brother sitting nearest the crew compartment banged his fist on the door in acknowledgement, and then racked his bolter. Brother Felix snapped a fresh power pack into his lascannon, and Brother Cornelio fed a new belt into his heavy bolter. “5 seconds,” said the driver. The ramp at the back of the Rhino slammed open, and Aurelius was the first out, searching for any potential threats. After the rest of the squad had exited the vehicle, he took a more careful look at his surroundings. About 100 yards to the north he saw an apparently deserted bunker. He turned to his squad and pointed towards it. “That bunker over there is where we are going to set up our firebase. Get to it brothers.” His squad jogged off towards the bunker to prepare it for the oncoming Ork assault. He rapped his knuckles on the side of the rhino and it raised its ramp and sped off. Then he began to make his way over to the bunker, surveying the area, looking for anywhere the Orks might use to get an advantage against their defenses. After satisfying that the old bunker was the best place to stem the Ork tide headed towards the Imperial Guard’s artillery batteries.

 

By the time he arrived at the bunker’s door, his marines were all but finished with the transformation of the bunker into an effective firebase. The top of the bunker was being used as a platform for the heavy bolter and lascannon, as well as two other marines. The other five were still stacking sandbags in front of the bunker, but were almost finished. Aurelius went inside and found that an entire crate of bolter ammo was sitting in a corner, as well as several las-weapon charge packs. Obviously this bunker had seen action recently, but with the feral Orks that infested the planet, this fact didn’t really surprise the sergeant. With the Orks on the planet reaching near-critical waagh! numbers, he was surprised to find two entire crates of munitions lying in a deserted bunker. He grabbed a case of each bolter and las ammo and tossed them up through the hole in the roof and then hoisted himself up after them.

After a quick survey of the area from atop his new base of operations, he contacted Brother-Captain Vern, the Commander of the Malice Breaker’s 2nd company through his suit’s vox-caster. “Position is secure sir, no sign of the Orks either.” After a few seconds of static, a crackly voice answered him. “Roger that Sergeant, we’re sending Dreadnought Captain Tiberius to assist you in holding the line.” Good, a Dreadnought. Even with a heavy bolter, a single Tactical squad would be hard-pressed to stem the tide of greenskins when it reaches near waagh! proportions.

As he hopped down to speak to the marines inside the bunker, he saw it. A cloud of dust, the first alarm of a greenskin attack. No sooner had his mind processed the thought than he heard the second alarm of a greenskin attack, the carrying voices of thousands of Orks roaring their battlecry, a deep-throated “WAAAAAAAAAGH”. He scrambled to get up to the bunker, and then opened a vox-channel to the Captain.

 

“Contact Captain! The Orks just came over the horizon; I figure we have about five minutes before they get within weapons range, less for their vehicles. We could really use some backup.” “Copy that Sergeant, we’re sending Vindicator tank Kickback to assist you as well, it will be there in ten. Can you hold out until then?” Aurelius looked up at the approaching green tide. “Emperor willing, yes, we’ll be fine for the time being.” “Good to hear it Sergeant. I’ll see you on the other side.” Aurelius flicked off his vox-comm and hoisted himself back onto the roof. “Brother Felix, target the largest vehicles first. Brother Cornelio, target the thickest knots of them. Everyone else, try to eliminate redundancy, cover a different portion of the fire zone. Nobs have highest priority; call them out when you see them. We need to hold out until Captain Tiberius and Kickback arrive. Once they get here, it should be smooth sailing.”

They waited quietly until the roar of a motor sliced through the silence. “Ork Buggy twelve o’clock sir!” said Brother Felix. “Fire at will Brother, fry that xenos scum.” “With pleasure Sergeant,” said Brother Felix. He took careful aim and then loosed a shot from his lascannon, an electric blue bolt that fried the Ork passengers and turned the ramshackle vehicle into a pile of steaming, red-hot slag. “good shot Brother” said Aurelius, as two Ork Trukks full of Boyz careened towards the bunker. “Take them out Felix , the rest of you gun down any survivors.” Felix carefully aimed and blasted the two Trukks as they approached, both of them, instead of exploding, simply fell apart, tumbling out two mobs of extremely confused Boyz. Aurelius heard the sound of the squad racking their bolters and sighting targets, as the Orks found their footing and charged towards the bunker. Aurelius pumped shots into the heads of two Orks, splattering bits of skull and brain onto their comrades, who didn’t even notice until bolter shots were smashing into their own skulls, and by then it was much too late. As if to deny the squad even the slightest chance of a lull in the fighting, the rest of the mob closed on the bunker. Shots began to hit the sandbags and the bunker itself, smashing little bits of pycrete out of the front of the bunker.

 

The Marines responded in kind, their bolter shots smashed into the skulls of Orks, and bursts from the heavy bolter raked the entire mob. Brother Felix was doing an admirable job of keeping the Ork’s ramshackle vehicles from get near enough to the bunker to do any damage. But the Orks were pushing closer and closer to the bunker itself. Every rank they brought down only gave the next rank the opportunity to get closer. Eventually, Aurelius saw no other alternative. “Brother Felix, Brother Cornelio, keep it up. Everyone else, lets meet these Orks face to face.” He hopped down into the bunker and dashed out the door. He hit the activation rune on his chainsword and tossed himself into the fray, and his squad followed suit, slashing at anything green. He fired his bolt pistol into the face of an onrushing Ork, spun and slashed, cutting another Ork in half. He parried a slash from another Ork, kicked him in the gut and another marine slashed off his head. He ducked a swing from final Ork, and pumped two shots into his torso, blowing him apart.

 

He was about to rush towards the next oncoming mob, but before he had time to react, a long burst from an assault cannon obliterated the entire group. He spun on his heel, only to be greeted by the sight of Dreadnaught Captain Tiberius and Vindicator tank Kickback. He ran over to the Dreadnaught, and saluted. The Dreadnaught returned the salute and then spoke. “Well met Sergeant; what a glorious day the Emperor provides us to kill this Xenos scum. You need not worry about securing this position any longer, I will not let any greenskins pass as long as there are greenskins to kill”. “Good to hear Captain, I thank you for your assistance.” Aurelius then jogged off to speak with the Vindicator commander.

 

Any comments or criticism would be greatly appreciated, as this is my first attempt at writing a short story of any kind.

[Nacho Wolf]

Very good, just one thing though, when you say the orks 'were pushing further and further closer to the bunker itself' shouldnt that be 'closer and closer to the bunker itself'?