The Legacy of Mobius

[Ecritter]

I

 

The girl panted as the pains of birth wrecked her body, otherwise she remained silent. She showed no signs of fear. She had steeled herself for this all her young life. Her's was an honor that only the chosen were allowed.

 

Less then a year before she had she had allowed a champion of the games to have her. She had lay quietly as he'd rutted above her, a privilege he'd earned through strength and speed, luck and skill in the games. The coupling had but a single purpose, soon to be realized.

 

The chamber had an air of reverence. Soft lights shown down from above as unseen voices chanted holy verses. The girl was attended by only three midwives. The older women were to act as guides as she struggled to birth the child. Behind a small metal table, a lone Chaplain waited for his part in the delivery.

 

When the boy was born, he was taken before the Chaplain by the elder midwife. Like all the children of Pyron, he was inspected. If he'd been small or puny, or sickly or misshapen, he would have been discarded as impure.

 

He was found fit and and taken by the Chaplain out the single opening to the Great Hall. It was there that the chanting throng of Space Marines and their female counterparts waited. The Hall fell silent when the Chaplain entered carrying his charge.

 

Lifting the boy before him, the Chaplain proclaimed. “I present you Lans Mobius, Son of Pyron.”

 

II

 

From the moment the young Mobius could stand, his life became one of constant training in the ways of war. He learned quickly to become self sufficient, to have no fear, to show no pain, and that doubt was the first step to failure. He was told of Pyron's sacrifice and taught that there was no greater dishonor then that of allowing impurity live and spread.

 

At the age of seven, he was taken from the nursery and plunged into a world of violence. He fought to survive and he stole to eat, and was harshly punished when caught. He took the merciless bite of the lash with cold, unflinching resolve. He was constantly tested, his purity always in question. For thousands of years it was how the Sons of Pyron created the finest soldiers the Imperium would ever know.

 

Harsh as his life was it was not without love. Perhaps not the love that most Imperial citizens knew, but he held the pride of his teachers, the brotherhood of his companions and the honor of his people. He was a part of something much greater, and he knew it. The Emperor was his father, the Imperium his mother, the Chapter his brothers and sisters, and the Chapter house the only home he'd ever know.

 

Mobius excelled at all his challenges and in time began the transformation process to become one of the Imperium's Angels of Death. With the implantation of each successive geneseed he grew stronger and faster and in the fullness of time joined the honored ranks of the Sons of Pyron.

 

III

 

“Mobius,” the vox chirped in his helmet, “they've got artillery behind the ridge on our right flank. Take your squad and silence those guns.” The order was simple and direct.

 

As ordered Sergeant Mobius moved his squad towards the ridge. Going around the rise would have been the easiest route, but would have wasted valuable time. Time that the Orks would use to rain down ordnance on their brothers and that was not acceptable.

 

Atop the ridge, Third Company's Second Squad looked down at their prize. Three Ork Lobbas and their Gretchin crew firing on the Sons as they battled the Ork Warband.

 

“On my order, advance and fire in line.” Mobius told the squad, as they prepared for combat. When they were in position, he gave the battle cry. “For Pyron!” His brother called out in unison, “Let them burn!,” as they began to advance and pour bolter fire down on the startled Gretchin.

 

The Gretchin were ill prepared for the attack and the position was taken with ease. “Burn the bodies. Spike the guns.” Grenade blasts and flamer bursts echoed as Mobius made his report. The squad then turned to flank the Orks and cleanse the land with fire.

 

The Goffs Warband never had a chance. They were outnumbered and outgunned. The Sons showed them no mercy and none were able to escape. The pyres of the dead lit the night sky in the aftermath of the battle. The Sons had come one step closer to avenging their beloved home.

 

IV

 

Xeno blood dripped from his lightning claws as he flamed the rushing advance of Tyranid. Mobius' Terminator armor showed the marks of constant close combat and his blood burned with hatred of these vile aliens.

 

The Third Company had fought for days against the Tyranid swarm and only now taken the advantage. In response, the aliens redoubled their assault, charging in mass towards the center of the Sons' battle line. Mobius was prepared for the assault and had the company's Battle Barge, Glorious Inferno, standing by.

 

”Commence bombardment on preset coordinates.” He ordered calmly.

 

In orbit above the planet the bombardment turrets of the Glorious Inferno came to life, raining death down on the charging Tyranid swarm. At the same time, heavy weapons fire erupted all along the battle line adding their devastation to the carnage. The few that remained to press the attack were cut down by endless bolter fire.

 

All that remained was mopping up the last remaining xenos spread in small pockets. Within weeks the planet was declared clear of infestation. Although few remained of the original Imperial citizenry, the operation was a success and the Sons withdrew. The surviving population was left to deal with rebuilding on their own.

 

V

 

In the aftermath of battle, Mobius, now Chapter Master and Captain of the First Company, conferred with the representative of the Ordo Hereticus. The rebels of Telfar III had denounced the Emperor and the Imperium and had paid a high price. The few that remained were under guard awaiting their fate. After speaking with the Inquisitor, Mobius turned to Chaplain Merik and without emotion gave the order. “They are to be cleansed.” Then he walked away towards his waiting transport.

 

Merik walked the short distance to where the rebels were being held. He looked over the rabble for a few moments before speaking. ”May whatever gods you worship have mercy on your wretched souls, for we shall not!” Turning back to the Marines he sealed their fate with two simple words. ”Burn them.”

 

End

[Dosjetka]

Really well written and it gives a very good insight to your Chapter. Great work. Are you thinking of writing something else about your Chapter?

 

Ludovic

[Ecritter]

Maybe, I'll kick my muse and see what pops up.

[Nine_Breaker]

Before I can even read the entire story, I have to say that the first few paragraphs continued to jerk me away from any kind of immersion. Why? Because this is not your writing. It's ok to get ideas from other places, but for that first half you could have just given me a link to a movie script.

 

You can do better than that...

[Ecritter]

Before I can even read the entire story, I have to say that the first few paragraphs continued to jerk me away from any kind of immersion. Why? Because this is not your writing. It's ok to get ideas from other places, but for that first half you could have just given me a link to a movie script.

 

You can do better than that...

 

Yes it is my writing. It is inspired by the movie 300, but is completely mine. The familiar feel is intentional, and meant to show the Spartan feel of the Chapter.

[Nine_Breaker]

When the boy was born, he was taken before the Chaplain by the elder midwife. Like all the children of Pyron, he was inspected. If he'd been small or puny, or sickly or misshapen, he would have been discarded as impure.

 

He was found fit and and taken by the Chaplain out the single opening to the Great Hall. It was there that the chanting throng of Space Marines and their female counterparts waited. The Hall fell silent when the Chaplain entered carrying his charge.

 

Lifting the boy before him, the Chaplain proclaimed. “I present you Lans Mobius, Son of Pyron.”

 

II

 

 

From the time he could stand, the boy was baptized in the fire of combat. Taught to never show fear or pain, never to allow the impure to live. Taught that death on the battlefield in service to the Imperium was the greatest glory he could achieve in his life.

 

At the age of seven, he was taken from the nursery and plunged into a world of violence. For thousands of years it was the way of the Sons of Pyron used to create the finest soldiers the Imperium had ever known.

 

His new life forced the young boy to fight. It starved him, forced him to steal and to kill. By rod and lash he was punished, taught to show no pain, no mercy. He was constantly tested, his purity always in question.

 

The boy excelled at all he challenges and with the implantation of each successive geneseed he grew stronger and faster and in the fullness of time joined the honored ranks of the Sons of Pyron.

 

The parts I put in bold are wholesale rip-offs of the 300 script. Granted you might have changed a word or two. This is not just inspired by the movie. And this is certainly not completely yours as you stated.

 

The familiar feel is intentional, and meant to show the Spartan feel of the Chapter.

There is a difference between familiar feel and then me thinking to myself while I read this "why is he copy/pasting the script from 300?". There are other, much better ways of inserting a "Spartan feel" into the story and chapter. The laconic tendencies of Mobius himself is a good start. Describing the hardships of his earliest training would have been good too if its in your words. Perhaps even a non-combat scene with Mobius' where he gives a curt prayer to the Emperor in his undecorated and frankly spartan personal quarters. I don't know, it's your chapter and your story. But like I said before, I've seen your writing, and you can do better than what you have now.

[Ecritter]

Lets just say you don't like it.

[Nine_Breaker]

Lets just say you don't like it.

Well aren't we a good sport?

 

How about we don't say that, since I said nothing of the sort? If I didn't think this had potential I wouldn't comment on it at all.

 

Do you need even more praise to go with my constructive criticism? If so then I'll say that everything after Part II of your story is pretty original and interesting. A good way to develop a potentially interesting character. Even so it could use some expansion and detail now that I think of it. I was a bit disappointed that these parts were so stingy on details.

 

The Goffs Warband never had a chance. They were outnumbered and outgunned.

Seems odd that Orks would be outnumbered by Astartes...

 

Now if you don't want to improve this piece through taking some criticism and updating it, just let me know. Either way I'm kinda reluctant to spend much more time trying to help you out.

[Ecritter]

Well aren't we a good sport?

 

How about we don't say that, since I said nothing of the sort? If I didn't think this had potential I wouldn't comment on it at all.

 

Do you need even more praise to go with my constructive criticism? If so then I'll say that everything after Part II of your story is pretty original and interesting. A good way to develop a potentially interesting character. Even so it could use some expansion and detail now that I think of it. I was a bit disappointed that these parts were so stingy on details.

 

The Goffs Warband never had a chance. They were outnumbered and outgunned.

Seems odd that Orks would be outnumbered by Astartes...

 

Now if you don't want to improve this piece through taking some criticism and updating it, just let me know. Either way I'm kinda reluctant to spend much more time trying to help you out.

 

Sorry its not about sportsmanship, I just took from your comments that you didn't like the story.

 

I was purposely stingy on the details, since it was the story of Mobius not the individual battles (that may come later). I didn't want Mobius to get lost in a deludge of details.

 

Everyone (even Orks) make mistakes it seems.

 

I would like to improve it, but the purpose of using the parts you don't like was part of the overall plan, which was to show a direct link to the Spartan culture in terms that most would quickly pick up on. I could go into alot more detail and use alot of data on the Spartans that few would recognize ... and wouldn't get. But then the whole story would lose its meaning to most people in my opinion. By using those distinct parts, people can easily say "hey that's just like 300 ... I get it." And I want people to get my meaning without having to go into so much detail that the story is lost in those details. Sometimes its better to just tell people that a box is a box, rather then spending 3 pages discribing what the box looks like.

 

Do you understand now why I used those parts from 300?

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Who cares really if it's borrowing from 300? The film is diabolically crap anyway.

 

Good stuff though, ol' son.

[Ecritter]

Who cares really if it's borrowing from 300? The film is diabolically crap anyway.

 

Good stuff though, ol' son.

 

Thanks, I just wanted to get some background on the Chapter and Mobius.

[Ecritter]

Is this Librariam worthy? :mellow:

[Dosjetka]

Why not :mellow:

 

Ludovic

[Ace Debonair]

Merik walked the short distance to where the rebels were being held. He looked over the rabble for a few moments before speaking. May whatever gods you worship have mercy on your wretched souls, for we shall not!” Turning back to the Marines he sealed their fate with two simple words. ”Burn them.

 

You could do with closing those speech marks at the end. :)

 

Oh, and adding some just before the 'may' in the 'may whatever gods' line.

 

I also second the notion that changing the dialogue up a bit from the 300 script could only be a good thing. It'd only take a bit of shuffling the words around, to be honest.

 

From the time he could stand, the boy was baptized in the fire of combat. Taught to never show fear or pain, never to allow the impure to live. Taught that death on the battlefield in service to the Imperium was the greatest glory he could achieve in his life.

 

At the age of seven, he was taken from the nursery and plunged into a world of violence. For thousands of years it was the way of the Sons of Pyron used to create the finest soldiers the Imperium had ever known.

 

That's the bit that really stands out to me as needing a change.

How about something like:

 

Since the day he learned to stand, Mobius was baptized in the fires of combat. He was taught to never show fear, pain or doubt. He was taught that to let the impure live would be an irrevocable stain on his honour, and the honour of Pyron - and he must never allow it.

 

And one key lesson was repeated to him endlessly until at night, he would lie awake and endlessly remember the words of his instructors: "Death on the battlefield in service to the Imperium is the greatest glory you could achieve in this life."

 

Of course, that's just an idle suggestion, so feel free to ignore it if you prefer. :drool:

[Ecritter]

Thanks for the corrections and suggestions. After much thought and work, section II has been rewritten ... I'm pleased with the new version, what are your thoughts?

[Ace Debonair]

Thanks for the corrections and suggestions. After much thought and work, section II has been rewritten ... I'm pleased with the new version, what are your thoughts?

 

Better. Much better, in fact.

 

Good stuff!

[Nine_Breaker]

Thanks for the corrections and suggestions. After much thought and work, section II has been rewritten ... I'm pleased with the new version, what are your thoughts?

 

Better. Much better, in fact.

 

Good stuff!

 

Seconded. Maintains that very feel you were looking for, if not enhances it, and definitely more original at the same time. Keep it up.

[Ecritter]

Thanks for the corrections and suggestions. After much thought and work, section II has been rewritten ... I'm pleased with the new version, what are your thoughts?

 

Better. Much better, in fact.

 

Good stuff!

 

Seconded. Maintains that very feel you were looking for, if not enhances it, and definitely more original at the same time. Keep it up.

 

Thank you, it took a lot of thought and time to maintain that feel ... I think it came across well enough.

 

EDIT:

 

I have a new story in the works now, its not a Sons of Pyron story .... and I don't want to give it away, but keep an eye out for it.