IA: Radiant Lions

[Captain Forcystus]

The color scheme looks pretty boring to me. I might change my mind if I saw an actual painted model though — I'm a sucker for shiny things.

Indeed the models do look alot better, but pictures of models look akward. Still I can share them if you wish

 

Pretty casual tone for an IA.

Im not the most eloquent dude but I'll work on that

 

The presence of what?

 

That there was a brainfart on my part, will fill that in soon.

 

I don't usually hear about the numbering of chapters. Besides the Legions I couldn't tell you the number of any Chapter in the Imperium (barring the GK of course). So that strikes me as an unnecessary detail. Also, this phrasing is awkward. You could just phrase it,

 

The as-yet unnamed Chapter trained under a cadre of veterans from the Howling Griffons, an accomplished Chapter with its own long and glorious history.

 

That does sound a hell of alot better, I think I'll use it.

 

There's an awful lot of sentence fragments in here. Be mindful when you go back to edit.

 

You will find I am brain flatulence prone

 

Stray apostrophes.

 

Its = belongs to it.

It's = it is.

Griffon's = belongs to a Griffon.

 

Will do

 

Also, "Caulder Forsythe" is a great name.

 

Thanks

 

"Lions of Radiance" is good too, though I do associate it with the Dark Angels. They shouldn't have a monopoly on Lion iconography, no, but it's understandable that people would have the preconception, don't you agree?

 

Agreed, though at this point I cant think of anything better so I just try to to emphasize the Ultra-ness and reverence of Guilliman to show that these guys arent Dark Angels.

 

I don't think such open acceptance is in line with the other beliefs about the Emperor or humanity, honestly. The Mechanicum is pretty alien in its own way.

 

I sort of envisioned it more as practicality more than anything else, since pissing those guys off can be disastrous to a Chapter's arsenal but will give it some thought.

 

Anyways dudes thanks for the feed back will take this stuff into account for my next revision, whenever that is

[Plague Angel]

"Lions of Radiance" is good too, though I do associate it with the Dark Angels. They shouldn't have a monopoly on Lion iconography, no, but it's understandable that people would have the preconception, don't you agree?

 

Agreed, though at this point I cant think of anything better so I just try to to emphasize the Ultra-ness and reverence of Guilliman to show that these guys arent Dark Angels.

 

That's a good idea, but you can go too far the other way if you're not careful, and over-emphasize it to the point of annoyance. You're not there yet though, at least I don't think so.

 

I don't think such open acceptance is in line with the other beliefs about the Emperor or humanity, honestly. The Mechanicum is pretty alien in its own way.

 

I sort of envisioned it more as practicality more than anything else, since pissing those guys off can be disastrous to a Chapter's arsenal but will give it some thought.

 

Practicality is wise, and I see your point. Blood Angels don't have the best relationship with the Mechanicum, for example. But as you aren't Iron Hands or Salamanders or anything like that, I think the standard Codex-doctrine of grudging acceptance, like the Ultras have, is the right way to go: you recognize the AdMech's value and necessity but you aren't completely comfortable with their faith. Without sufficient need — if it ties into a specific theme for example — I don't think many DIY chapters need change that default attitude, really.

[Captain Forcystus]

Good to know I havent pushed the Ultra-ness too far so far.

 

As for the AdMech stuff what about grudingly accepting it, while sort of "playing nice" in their dealings with them in order to keep a steady flow of equipment going? If not its all good and I can scrap the sections since they were more or less filler details

[WingsOfTheFalcon]

Hey, just gave it a thorough read and I really like it, though I do have some questions:

 

1. Why does the Tenth Company not practice the Duels of Succession?

2. If your main influx of initiates are Hive Gangers, would it make sense to mention a high level of initiate fatalities due to gang animosity?

3. Doesn't their 'glorious' approach to war need expanding on a bit, these are after all Warriors and wouldn't this impact upon their Combat Doctine/Organisation?

 

Really like what you've done so far and I'm sure the all metallic look of the marines will be superb! Also, kudos for the Lion based chapter, the more the merrier!

 

If you want to savage my IA for the Iron Gauntlet (Pridelords) there is a link in my sig. :tu:

[NightrawenII]

Impossible. They are able to find recruits able to become both Astartes and Librarians? No.

Other way around, my colleague... They find psyker and turn him into Marine -> Librarian.

[Captain Forcystus]

1. Why does the Tenth Company not practice the Duels of Succession?

 

The tenth company is the Scout company, so it doesnt work quite like the others

 

2. If your main influx of initiates are Hive Gangers, would it make sense to mention a high level of initiate fatalities due to gang animosity?

Maybe, hell might be part of the screening process

 

3. Doesn't their 'glorious' approach to war need expanding on a bit, these are after all Warriors and wouldn't this impact upon their Combat Doctine/Organisation?

Yeah im working on that, luckily though Astartes have alot of big guns and vehicles with big guns that make big explosions

 

 

If you want to savage my IA for the Iron Gauntlet (Pridelords) there is a link in my sig.

I think I will sometime

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Impossible. They are able to find recruits able to become both Astartes and Librarians? No.

Other way around, my colleague... They find psyker and turn him into Marine -> Librarian.

 

Either way, dude, it just seems too far-fetched.

 

Think of the failure rate for Astartes inductees - around 90% or so? - and couple that with a psyker being said inductee, as well as that psyker being a child.. And It's stretching.

 

Don't forget that not every psyker is passed into the Librarium of the Chapter; I've read at least one account of a failure - though the source escapes my mind at present - being "sanctioned".

[Captain Forcystus]

Isnt the 90% failure rate just how it is when it comes to recruiting anyway?

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Isnt the 90% failure rate just how it is when it comes to recruiting anyway?

 

I take it as the whole process; 90% of those selected fail to become Astartes*.

 

Couple that with the fact that psykers are relatively rare and Astartes induct only children and it seems a stretch as I said. Plus psykers are theprovince of the Black Ships, technically.

 

 

*I do not consider Scouts Astartes.

[Captain Forcystus]

Doesnt matter now since I decided to cut that section out in my latest revision

[Captain Forcystus]

Added on this month's story portion of the Iron Guantlet for a section I refer to as the Chronicles of the Chapter. Future story portions of Iron Guantlet entries will likely be added there

[Captain Forcystus]

Once more the Iron Guantlet has brought a new section to the IA this time the Heroes of Kalymnos a section for specific characters within the chapter

[Captain Forcystus]

Updated some stuff today as well as changed the name. Radiant Lions just rolls off the tongue better. In the future I will be adding on more stuff that will add emphasis to their glory seeking nature, as soon as I figure out what that stuff is

[Captain Forcystus]

Added on something new to the Practices section of the Chapter cult and added a new section to sort of showcase specific trials that the Chapter uses to test scouts before they are promoted to full Marines

[NightrawenII]

Hello again.

 

A few things:

History

A series of duels were fought between them, which because of their enhanced physiology lasted for days on end.

- Contrary to popular belief, (I blame Hollywood for that) the sword duel lasts few seconds.

 

Combat Doctrine

Further reinforcing this is there larger Devastator squads which work in conjunction with Vindicator tanks to blow away the green tide before it can even get close.

- I would say Whirldwind since Vindicator has relatively short range.

- What about Thunderfire?

 

Trial of Will

Trial of Endurance

- If the training does not specifically address this issue, then these trials are just nonsense.

 

Trial of Glory:

Many battles later one final trial remains. For this trial numerous scouts are deployed into battle without their full marine brothers.

- Waste of time and effort. The Scouts are deployed as guerrilla/terror units, therefore they had already plenty of chances to prove their worth.

 

Beliefs

Towards their people:

As the people under their protection are lifeblood of the chapter they do all they can to ensure their survival while ensuring an at least decently quality of life, as good as it can get on a hive world at least. Content citizens are more likely to multiply in greater numbers, which in turn produces more potential recruits for the chapter. That said they do not neglect those on neighboring worlds within the Validus sector just in case some unfortuneate fate should befall Kalymnos.

- Really?:

Ever since the founding the members of the Chapter have had little interaction with the rest of the citizens of Kalymnos. Aside from their wide spread hunts for potential recruits ,which have become an honored tradition of the chapter, they remain within the heavily fortified walls of The Colossus, their fortress monastery. They are viewed by the Kalymnans as aloof pseudo-mythical beings which give their world some significance.

 

Cheers, NightrawenII.

[Captain Forcystus]

- Contrary to popular belief, (I blame Hollywood for that) the sword duel lasts few seconds.

 

Yeah that one might be Hollywood's fault along with me not sure how long a duel between two veteran Space Marines could last.

 

- I would say Whirldwind since Vindicator has relatively short range.

- What about Thunderfire?

A Whirlwind would be appropriate, as for the Thunderfire I keep forgetting to add that in there but will on my next revision

 

- If the training does not specifically address this issue, then these trials are just nonsense.

The training actually does address the tasks in those trials, but as we all know Marines are all badass butt kicking machines we also all know they go through rather brutal training. Plus following the first trial they are told of these ones before hand.

 

- Waste of time and effort. The Scouts are deployed as guerrilla/terror units, therefore they had already plenty of chances to prove their worth.

 

This is 40k, we left practicality behind long ago. That said its sort of like a final exam, which like many other things in this universe can result in death.

 

As for your last point I intend to amend some parts of it to make them coincide better. Usually in this universe quality life just tends to equal out to not being dead.

[NightrawenII]

This is 40k, we left practicality behind long ago.

:)

... then why do your marines use long-range weapons?

[Captain Forcystus]

lol you got me there dude. Guess we didnt chuck all prracticality into the warp

[Captain Forcystus]

Edited some details for the sake of consistency (Attitude toward their people) added on to the Combat Doctrine section to include stuff like the Whirlwind and Thunderfire Cannon, added to the section on their beliefs toward their Techmarines, expanded the homeworld section a bit, and added their attitude toward their Librarians

[Octavulg]

%

[Octavulg]

Thank you, B&C software. :lol:

[Octavulg]

Created in the 26th Founding, the Lions are a relatively young chapter being created from the line of Roboute Guilliman, making them another one of the many Ultramarines successors.

 

Purpose of Founding:

The Segmentum Tempestus is a turbulent area known for having two things: lots of warp storms and lots of orks. In comparison to other areas the presence within the Segmentum Tempestus was rather light and thus it was decided that another chapter of Space Marines being stationed within the system would serve that purpose quite well. Specifically an area known as the Validus sector on the fringes of the Imperium with the hive world of Kalymnos being chosen to be home world the new chapter.

 

The Predecessors:

The as-yet unnamed Chapter trained under a cadre of veterans from the Howling Griffons, an accomplished Chapter with its own long and glorious history. As per their Chapter's tradition the dispatched cadre swore an oath to see to it that this fledging chapter was trained properly.The cadre was dispatched the the Hive World of Kalymnos where they would begin the ardous process of gathering potential recruits for the chapter in order to fulfill their task.Unsurprisingly, the traditionalistic views of the chapter and their practice of taking oaths had been passed on,though unlike them the Lions do view the Codex Astartes as a holy document.

 

First, the subheadings are a bad idea. For one thing, this section would work just fine without them. For another, they're jarring - it feels like you're running down a checklist.

 

This whole thing could be a lot shorter and a lot more to the point:

 

"Created in the 26th Founding, the Radiant Lions are a young chapter created from the line of Roboute Guilliman, making them one of many Ultramarines successors. They were assigned to the Segmentum Tempestus, a turbulent area known for two things: warp storms and Orks.

 

The chapter made its home in an area known as the Validus sector, on the fringes of the Imperium, with the hive world of Kalymnos chosen to be the home world of the new chapter. The chapter trained under a cadre of veterans from the Howling Griffons, and that glorious chapter's traditionalist views and their practices of taking holy oaths inspired and greatly influenced their students."

 

Move the bit about the Codex down to Combat Doctrine.

 

Honestly, your writing seems a little weak - I strongly recommend reading your writing aloud. It really helps catch awkward phrasing and structure.

 

Ever since the founding the members of the Chapter have had little interaction with the rest of the citizens of Kalymnos. Aside from their wide spread hunts for potential recruits ,which have become an honored tradition of the chapter, they remain within the heavily fortified walls of The Colossus, their fortress monastery. They are viewed by the Kalymnans as aloof pseudo-mythical beings which give their world some significance.

 

The Colossus? Is it a giant statue?

 

If it isn't, should it be? Because that might be kind of awesome...

 

"Today you stand before me as young men, you are frail humans, humans that have displayed potential, but humans nonetheless. Today is the day that you are offered the chance to be something greater than man. Should you be proven worthy to accept the essence of our chapter, you will be molded and forged in the image of our holy progenitors. Many will not succeed, many will not survive, but those few that succeed will be honored battle brothers of the chapter."

 

Generic. Not really worth inclusion, IMO.

 

"You select few have proven yourselves to be a cut above your fellow recruits. Your bodies were strong enough to accept the gene-seed of Guilliman and your training has brought you far. Now you face the final phase of your training. You will fight alongside the battle brothers of the chapter. should you succeed in this trial by fire you shall be blessed with the black carapace and be given the hallowed power armor. "

 

Also rather generic.

 

History

 

I'd recommend putting this immediately after Origins. Makes more sense there, usually.

 

That said, there's not really that much here. Explaining the dueling could be done in a line or two, and nothing else is that important. I'd just merge it into Origins.

 

Among the most respected of the Chapter are it's Sternguard Veterans as they are masters of ranged combat. It is the aspiration of many Radiant Lions battle brothers to eventually be counted among them at some point during their lives of servitude to the Imperium.

 

I find these sections work better when talking in general terms - don't talk about the exact equipment, talk about the principles. "They prefer shooting" = good. "They like Predators and Devastators" = bad.

 

Upon reaching the rank of Scout an aspirant is only an organ implant away from being full battle brothers provided they can prove themselves in battle. The Radiant Lions also employ a series of trials which Scouts must pass in order to gain the right to become full Astartes.

 

Why? Where'd they come from? What do these add to our understanding of the chapter?

 

They're kind of neat, but I don't know if they're quite interesting enough for the space they take up. If the chapter were more about trials, maybe. But they're not.

 

Chapter cult

 

I really think you need to try to make this section more coherent. All the subheadings make it very disjointed, which makes it awkward to read.

 

Plus, this should really be part of the Beliefs section.

 

Beliefs:

 

Again: less disjointed, more coherent. Less detail, more general principles. If you give me the general principles of how they feel about things, I can work out how they interact with different organizations. Details are highlights in an IA, not the whole IA.

 

Organization

 

The note about how they view the codex should go here.

 

* * *

 

There's a lot of details, but not much of a coherent picture of the chapter as a whole. I'm not really getting a sense of who they are as individuals.

 

What are you trying to accomplish? What do you want?