IA: Imperial Reavers

[Apothete]

Criticism, as asked for.

 

Brother-Captain Du'shaal, late of the Salamanders Seventh Company, was given the honour of leading this fledgling Chapter into existence. Du'shaal, a dour but capable Marine who displayed little of the Salamanders humanitarian nature, spent almost the first century of the Chapters history crusading amongst the stars whilst he left the building of the Chapter to his subordinates.

 

I'm glossing over spelling, grammar, and stylistic issues to hit on key points for now. No sense in buffing before you have the frame up.

 

In this case, I find myself wondering why the Salamanders would give this great reward to someone so far out of their doctrines and beliefs that he can't even be said to stand as an illustration of their values. As well, if he's so dour and capriciously uncaring towards those he's going to be responsible for, how did he gain command in the first place? His attitude seems like it would barely manage to steer him past being an aspirant, let alone rising to high enough rank amongst the veteran Brothers to be given his own Company. I've yet to see a Chapter - except perhaps the Alpha Legion, in a curiously twisted sense of self-sufficiency - that emphasizes the individual over the group, though that seems to be pretty much what Du'shaal is doing by pawning off his responsibilities on those assigned to his cadre.

 

This is somewhat akin to an Ultramarine who's bad at taking orders and dealing with regimented, heirarchical existence becoming the First Company Captain.

 

"I am a warrior of the Imperium, Adeptus Astartes, and I cannot find it in me to nursemaid savages and children when my work is amongst the stars.

So, though it may draw the ire of many and bring slight to my honour, I take my blade to the place it will serve best; I will stride the stars and exact vengeance on those most deserving of my wrath."

- Brother-Captain Ver Du'shaal

 

Not to just take over the flavor of your creation, but I think you could keep some of this tone without having him be such a loner and an arrogant deviant from the Salamanders' beliefs. Why not have him become an incredibly stern taskmaster for those who step up and claim to be more than human (the neophytes) while still respectful and caring towards humanity itself, seeing a difference between the specially-created war machines that are the Astartes and those who they are sworn to protect? Then he can make big, bombastic speeches about how they'll stride the stars and exact vengeance on those who've wronged the Imperium, while not breaking quite so much from his forbears that it pushes beyond the believable.

 

Or, if you're determined to keep this angle, you might want to develop it in that direction instead of having it start that way.

 

Having shattered a full regiment of Skitarii, which became the beginning of the end for the traitor forces, Du'shaal was presented with an archaic, yet deadly, suit of Terminator Armour in honour of his victory. To this day, the Armour of Tal-Maruun is still the most potent symbol of a Chapter Masters authority.

 

Sixteen marines against a regiment of Skitarii?

 

Depending on how you define a regiment, I'm not sure I'd buy that. Knight Titans have void shields and enormous weapons that are hideously destructive, yet they fall to the might of Skitarii in battle. I totally get the attraction to having a special, gifted suit of TDA for your Chapter Master to wear, but this isn't stacking too well with the earlier portion.

 

Returning to his Chapter to find it ensconced upon the world known as Caelum, lead in turn by High Chaplain Tu’van and Master Apothecary Vaen, Du'shaal turned from his mission amongst the stars and saw to the forging of his new brothers into warriors fit to fight at the right hand of Vulkan and the Emperor.

 

Why are they suddenly worthy of his attention? You don't give us any sense of the passage of time or the acquisition of experience amongst the warriors they're raising, so it seems a bit abrupt to turn around from dismissing his aspirants to wanting to forge them into something better.

 

I still suggest softening that element earlier in the writeup, especially given that you've had him returning to take leadership. Also, how do the underlings feel about the Big Boss just running off and doing what he wants, then coming back when they've actually been forming the Chapter? That suggests the possibility for interesting tension, fragmentary cultures, or even outright castes or other overt differences.

 

The world of Caelum was chosen for the Starstriders by High Chaplain Tu'sahn and Master Apothecary Vaen; with no known records available to the Chapter regarding the world and genetic testing showing high levels of purity, it took almost no time at all for the Chapter to formally lay claim to Caelum.

 

A brief note: The current Salamanders Chapter Master is Tu'Shan, very similar to the name of your Chaplain.

 

The natives of Caelum seem insular and distant when compared to other peoples – there is no word within the Caelun language for "friend" or "brotherhood" – but have bonds tightened by the rigid way their society operates; each caste is set in stone and fraternisation is frowned upon by tradition. Each caste is set, with sub-castes forming the whole so that Artisan is a main caste but encompasses Carpenters at its lowest form and Jewellers at its peak. Within a caste the greatest symbol of achievement is to become Master to an Apprentice; to be considered great enough to pass your knowledge on to another generation.

 

This seems a little discordant.

 

The Chapter Master that couldn't be bothered to directly oversee and teach his aspirants is choosing a planet where the greatest mark of respect is to become a teacher and take on those who want to learn under you? How do the Caelumian men feel about following a man who thought they weren't worth being his students? Does it divide their loyalties and predispose them to respecting Tu'Sahn and Vaen more than their nominal Chapter Master? Also, how does the caste system affect recruitment and the way that the Brothers treat one another, given that you're almost certainly going to end up with a situation where someone of a lower caste in their previous life ends up in command over an individual of a higher caste? How do you instill the sense of camaraderie, or at least of unity in purpose, in men who have no root linguistic concept of things like friendship, group cooperation, and sacrifice for a greater good without benefit to oneself? Where does their unified shunning of outsider stem from if not, in fact, a defacto sense that they are brothers and a group to the exclusion of others?

 

So would the Orders of the Caelum be born, in mystery and honour, to tie the brothers - new and old - of the Starstriders together, seeking to instill that brotherhood across the ranks that the command echelon had experienced as brothers of the Salamanders.

 

This point is going to need a lot more attention.

 

Another interesting facet of the Chapter is its refusal to test or put to trial those who wish to join the ranks of the Startriders; in part this was due to the high degree of genetic compatibility displayed by the Caelun peoples, enabling them to fill their ranks with startling rapidity. This genetic compatibility would eventually cut to the very heart of the Chapter and be its defining moment.

 

I'd like to see some more explanation of this point.

 

By saying that they refuse to "test" aspirants, they're just going to take in anyone who shows up, implant them, condition them, eventually give them geneseed, and then... what? Are you really claiming that they either have such lax training methods that nobody dies in the process, that their compatibility is so high that hardly anyone rejects any of the implants, or that there's some mystical outside force that allows them to recruit at levels unheard of anywhere else? Even assuming that they have a populace hardy, intelligent, and warlike enough to just flood them with recruits that don't need the brutal methods that assure fitness to serve, you're going to have "trials" at some point or you're going to have Marines that are substandard.

 

Or, just possibly, you have some awesome explanation I'm not thinking of, which is why I said I want to know more.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Brother-Captain Du'shaal, late of the Salamanders Seventh Company, was given the honour of leading this fledgling Chapter into existence. Du'shaal, a dour but capable Marine who displayed little of the Salamanders humanitarian nature, spent almost the first century of the Chapters history crusading amongst the stars whilst he left the building of the Chapter to his subordinates.

 

I'm glossing over spelling, grammar, and stylistic issues to hit on key points for now. No sense in buffing before you have the frame up.

 

In this case, I find myself wondering why the Salamanders would give this great reward to someone so far out of their doctrines and beliefs that he can't even be said to stand as an illustration of their values. As well, if he's so dour and capriciously uncaring towards those he's going to be responsible for, how did he gain command in the first place? His attitude seems like it would barely manage to steer him past being an aspirant, let alone rising to high enough rank amongst the veteran Brothers to be given his own Company. I've yet to see a Chapter - except perhaps the Alpha Legion, in a curiously twisted sense of self-sufficiency - that emphasizes the individual over the group, though that seems to be pretty much what Du'shaal is doing by pawning off his responsibilities on those assigned to his cadre.

 

This is somewhat akin to an Ultramarine who's bad at taking orders and dealing with regimented, heirarchical existence becoming the First Company Captain.

 

- He is still a capable commander and Marine, he just doesnt see ordinary humans in the same light; I borrowed part of this character from the Salamander Trilogy - one of the protagonists has a remarkly un-Salamander like attitude.

 

"I am a warrior of the Imperium, Adeptus Astartes, and I cannot find it in me to nursemaid savages and children when my work is amongst the stars.

So, though it may draw the ire of many and bring slight to my honour, I take my blade to the place it will serve best; I will stride the stars and exact vengeance on those most deserving of my wrath."

- Brother-Captain Ver Du'shaal

 

Not to just take over the flavor of your creation, but I think you could keep some of this tone without having him be such a loner and an arrogant deviant from the Salamanders' beliefs. Why not have him become an incredibly stern taskmaster for those who step up and claim to be more than human (the neophytes) while still respectful and caring towards humanity itself, seeing a difference between the specially-created war machines that are the Astartes and those who they are sworn to protect? Then he can make big, bombastic speeches about how they'll stride the stars and exact vengeance on those who've wronged the Imperium, while not breaking quite so much from his forbears that it pushes beyond the believable.

 

Or, if you're determined to keep this angle, you might want to develop it in that direction instead of having it start that way.

 

- I'd prefer my original premise, but I see your point and I hope my response to the previous point mitigates that somewhat.

 

Having shattered a full regiment of Skitarii, which became the beginning of the end for the traitor forces, Du'shaal was presented with an archaic, yet deadly, suit of Terminator Armour in honour of his victory. To this day, the Armour of Tal-Maruun is still the most potent symbol of a Chapter Masters authority.

 

Sixteen marines against a regiment of Skitarii?

 

Depending on how you define a regiment, I'm not sure I'd buy that. Knight Titans have void shields and enormous weapons that are hideously destructive, yet they fall to the might of Skitarii in battle. I totally get the attraction to having a special, gifted suit of TDA for your Chapter Master to wear, but this isn't stacking too well with the earlier portion.

 

- That needs to be altered; one of those that has slipped through redrafting.

 

Returning to his Chapter to find it ensconced upon the world known as Caelum, lead in turn by High Chaplain Tu’van and Master Apothecary Vaen, Du'shaal turned from his mission amongst the stars and saw to the forging of his new brothers into warriors fit to fight at the right hand of Vulkan and the Emperor.

 

Why are they suddenly worthy of his attention? You don't give us any sense of the passage of time or the acquisition of experience amongst the warriors they're raising, so it seems a bit abrupt to turn around from dismissing his aspirants to wanting to forge them into something better.

 

I still suggest softening that element earlier in the writeup, especially given that you've had him returning to take leadership. Also, how do the underlings feel about the Big Boss just running off and doing what he wants, then coming back when they've actually been forming the Chapter? That suggests the possibility for interesting tension, fragmentary cultures, or even outright castes or other overt differences.

 

- Less suddenly worthy and more there are now Marines for him to lead; as Captain of the Chapter that is how I envisioned his role.

 

The world of Caelum was chosen for the Starstriders by High Chaplain Tu'sahn and Master Apothecary Vaen; with no known records available to the Chapter regarding the world and genetic testing showing high levels of purity, it took almost no time at all for the Chapter to formally lay claim to Caelum.

 

A brief note: The current Salamanders Chapter Master is Tu'Shan, very similar to the name of your Chaplain.

 

- I'm aware and that is also the only name that should have been changed to Tu'van.

 

The natives of Caelum seem insular and distant when compared to other peoples – there is no word within the Caelun language for "friend" or "brotherhood" – but have bonds tightened by the rigid way their society operates; each caste is set in stone and fraternisation is frowned upon by tradition. Each caste is set, with sub-castes forming the whole so that Artisan is a main caste but encompasses Carpenters at its lowest form and Jewellers at its peak. Within a caste the greatest symbol of achievement is to become Master to an Apprentice; to be considered great enough to pass your knowledge on to another generation.

 

This seems a little discordant.

 

The Chapter Master that couldn't be bothered to directly oversee and teach his aspirants is choosing a planet where the greatest mark of respect is to become a teacher and take on those who want to learn under you? How do the Caelumian men feel about following a man who thought they weren't worth being his students? Does it divide their loyalties and predispose them to respecting Tu'Sahn and Vaen more than their nominal Chapter Master? Also, how does the caste system affect recruitment and the way that the Brothers treat one another, given that you're almost certainly going to end up with a situation where someone of a lower caste in their previous life ends up in command over an individual of a higher caste? How do you instill the sense of camaraderie, or at least of unity in purpose, in men who have no root linguistic concept of things like friendship, group cooperation, and sacrifice for a greater good without benefit to oneself? Where does their unified shunning of outsider stem from if not, in fact, a defacto sense that they are brothers and a group to the exclusion of others?

 

Du'shaal doesn't choose the Homeworld - whilst he is in contact with the Chapter obviously he has no real say in what the Chaplain and Apothecary are doing.

 

The rest of that makes for an interesting series of points, ones which I fully intend to explore.

 

So would the Orders of the Caelum be born, in mystery and honour, to tie the brothers - new and old - of the Starstriders together, seeking to instill that brotherhood across the ranks that the command echelon had experienced as brothers of the Salamanders.

 

This point is going to need a lot more attention.

 

The Orders are to get a sidebar, I think, to explain each of the major ones.

 

Another interesting facet of the Chapter is its refusal to test or put to trial those who wish to join the ranks of the Startriders; in part this was due to the high degree of genetic compatibility displayed by the Caelun peoples, enabling them to fill their ranks with startling rapidity. This genetic compatibility would eventually cut to the very heart of the Chapter and be its defining moment.

 

I'd like to see some more explanation of this point.

 

By saying that they refuse to "test" aspirants, they're just going to take in anyone who shows up, implant them, condition them, eventually give them geneseed, and then... what? Are you really claiming that they either have such lax training methods that nobody dies in the process, that their compatibility is so high that hardly anyone rejects any of the implants, or that there's some mystical outside force that allows them to recruit at levels unheard of anywhere else? Even assuming that they have a populace hardy, intelligent, and warlike enough to just flood them with recruits that don't need the brutal methods that assure fitness to serve, you're going to have "trials" at some point or you're going to have Marines that are substandard.

 

Or, just possibly, you have some awesome explanation I'm not thinking of, which is why I said I want to know more.

 

There are no trials by combat, no arduous treks thorugh perilous landscapes or any other trial a Chapter may use to weed the weak from the truly strong.

 

Because of the genetic purity and compatibility, the Chapter allows any who can present themselves to undergo the initiation - obviously psychic screening occurs too - as the Apothecarion don't feel they should deny any the chance to serve the Emperor. They still have to cross a planet to reach a fortress in a desert away from civilization, proving themselves hardy I feel.

 

The Purge of Caelum will tell the story of the degeneration of the Caelun peoples; I haven't figured out why, radiation from the sun or some such, but it even effects brothers of the Chapter. In his disgust, the Chapter Master purges those who mutate/degenerate and take the ultimate action to remove the stain from their history.

[Apothete]

He is still a capable commander and Marine, he just doesnt see ordinary humans in the same light; I borrowed part of this character from the Salamander Trilogy - one of the protagonists has a remarkly un-Salamander like attitude.

 

I haven't read them yet.

 

Is that character a high officer and someone who would be considered for the mastery of a new Chapter?

 

I'd prefer my original premise, but I see your point and I hope my response to the previous point mitigates that somewhat.

 

Not particularly, no.

 

I understand what it is you like about the angle that you're working, but it just doesn't strike me as believable even if the Black Library does it in a novel series. That's assuming that you come back and affirm what I asked above.

 

For a Chapter so renowned for their ability to relate to and live amongst common humanity, it makes next to no sense to elevate someone that's antithetical to their practices. That's one reason I went on to urge you to pursue a more gradual approach to the theme instead of starkly pushing it at the beginning. It is, of course, your writeup. This is all just advice.

 

Less suddenly worthy and more there are now Marines for him to lead; as Captain of the Chapter that is how I envisioned his role.

 

I can see how you envisioned it, it just doesn't read that way to me.

 

A man who left all the training in the hands of others and eschewed even choosing what world to draw the recruits from just doesn't sound like someone with the drive and talents to be leading a Chapter. It's an additional layer of disqualification, as far as I'm concerned, because I have a hard time believing that the Salamanders command structure wouldn't know about his predilections and keep him where they could watch rather than letting him have the power to mold others to his ideals. Why would he even be allowed to head the cadre if he's going to run off and let other people make all the choices? Doesn't that make them better choices to lead, since they're already effectively doing it?

 

Du'shaal doesn't choose the Homeworld - whilst he is in contact with the Chapter obviously he has no real say in what the Chaplain and Apothecary are doing.

 

As above, I have to ask... Why is he in charge, then? What useful purpose is served by placing him in command, other than satisfying your urge to have a standoffish leader? He's not making the decisions, he has no say over their beliefs, their training, their outfitting, anything at all. Effectively, the Chapter Masters are Tu'van and Vaen, not Du'shaal.

 

The Orders are to get a sidebar, I think, to explain each of the major ones.

 

That's not really what I meant.

 

I already drove at the point in the longer list of questions, but I don't see why the Caelumnian initiates would be at all receptive to the idea of brotherhood unless you're talking about coercive hypnogoguic indoctrination. It's certainly not settled how that would work with a nominal leader who runs off at the first opportunity and leaves others to do his job for him, acting less like a mentor and guide than the very distant, alienated presence that so many of the Traitor Legionnaries saw the Emperor becoming (or at least were told they should).

 

There are no trials by combat, no arduous treks thorugh perilous landscapes or any other trial a Chapter may use to weed the weak from the truly strong.

 

...

 

They still have to cross a planet to reach a fortress in a desert away from civilization, proving themselves hardy I feel.

 

So which is it?

 

Because of the genetic purity and compatibility, the Chapter allows any who can present themselves to undergo the initiation - obviously psychic screening occurs too - as the Apothecarion don't feel they should deny any the chance to serve the Emperor.

 

I'm sure you know this, but the Space Wolves spend inordinate amounts of time selecting the best warriors of an unforgiving, highly warlike environment, put them through hell in training, and then drop them naked on the sides of mountains and tell them to find their own way back home with nothing but a knife. That last part is what they do to those who are good enough to have survived the earlier portions of the test.

 

I'm sorry, but the desert thing just sounds too easy.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

He is still a capable commander and Marine, he just doesnt see ordinary humans in the same light; I borrowed part of this character from the Salamander Trilogy - one of the protagonists has a remarkly un-Salamander like attitude.

 

I haven't read them yet.

 

Is that character a high officer and someone who would be considered for the mastery of a new Chapter?

 

I'd prefer my original premise, but I see your point and I hope my response to the previous point mitigates that somewhat.

 

Not particularly, no.

 

I understand what it is you like about the angle that you're working, but it just doesn't strike me as believable even if the Black Library does it in a novel series. That's assuming that you come back and affirm what I asked above.

 

For a Chapter so renowned for their ability to relate to and live amongst common humanity, it makes next to no sense to elevate someone that's antithetical to their practices. That's one reason I went on to urge you to pursue a more gradual approach to the theme instead of starkly pushing it at the beginning. It is, of course, your writeup. This is all just advice.

 

Less suddenly worthy and more there are now Marines for him to lead; as Captain of the Chapter that is how I envisioned his role.

 

I can see how you envisioned it, it just doesn't read that way to me.

 

A man who left all the training in the hands of others and eschewed even choosing what world to draw the recruits from just doesn't sound like someone with the drive and talents to be leading a Chapter. It's an additional layer of disqualification, as far as I'm concerned, because I have a hard time believing that the Salamanders command structure wouldn't know about his predilections and keep him where they could watch rather than letting him have the power to mold others to his ideals. Why would he even be allowed to head the cadre if he's going to run off and let other people make all the choices? Doesn't that make them better choices to lead, since they're already effectively doing it?

 

Du'shaal doesn't choose the Homeworld - whilst he is in contact with the Chapter obviously he has no real say in what the Chaplain and Apothecary are doing.

 

As above, I have to ask... Why is he in charge, then? What useful purpose is served by placing him in command, other than satisfying your urge to have a standoffish leader? He's not making the decisions, he has no say over their beliefs, their training, their outfitting, anything at all. Effectively, the Chapter Masters are Tu'van and Vaen, not Du'shaal.

 

The Orders are to get a sidebar, I think, to explain each of the major ones.

 

That's not really what I meant.

 

I already drove at the point in the longer list of questions, but I don't see why the Caelumnian initiates would be at all receptive to the idea of brotherhood unless you're talking about coercive hypnogoguic indoctrination. It's certainly not settled how that would work with a nominal leader who runs off at the first opportunity and leaves others to do his job for him, acting less like a mentor and guide than the very distant, alienated presence that so many of the Traitor Legionnaries saw the Emperor becoming (or at least were told they should).

 

There are no trials by combat, no arduous treks thorugh perilous landscapes or any other trial a Chapter may use to weed the weak from the truly strong.

 

...

 

They still have to cross a planet to reach a fortress in a desert away from civilization, proving themselves hardy I feel.

 

So which is it?

 

Because of the genetic purity and compatibility, the Chapter allows any who can present themselves to undergo the initiation - obviously psychic screening occurs too - as the Apothecarion don't feel they should deny any the chance to serve the Emperor.

 

I'm sure you know this, but the Space Wolves spend inordinate amounts of time selecting the best warriors of an unforgiving, highly warlike environment, put them through hell in training, and then drop them naked on the sides of mountains and tell them to find their own way back home with nothing but a knife. That last part is what they do to those who are good enough to have survived the earlier portions of the test.

 

I'm sorry, but the desert thing just sounds too easy.

 

You know how things sound really simple and effective first off? This is one of those moments and supplementary to the PM I sent you a few moments ago, I decided to rewire the Origins significantly, aongst other things. So yeah, I'll be back - famous last words?

 

On a Salamander note; he was a Company Sergeant who wished - was considered? - for a Captaincy.

[Apothete]

I've replied to your PMs with further suggestions on the question you asked, but I still think this isn't a horrible, unworkable idea. The elements you say you want can be done, you just need to justify and support them properly. Edited January 15, 2011 by Apothete

[Captain Juan Juarez]

I've replied to your PMs with further suggestions on the question you asked, but I still think this isn't a horrible, unworkable idea. The elements you say you want can be done, you just need to justify and support them properly.

 

I hate to turn this into a "You have another PM" thing, but there it is.

 

 

For everyone not included in that PM: I have another brilliant idea, that was wasn't mine at all to begin with.

 

So watch.. er.. that other space and many thanks to Apothete.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Ah the evil of the Double Post.

 

Right, I have warped the Origins and Homeworld along different lines and at some point tomorrow - er, today, as it's 3am - I shall add more which will include the most important section of the Purging of Caelum.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Write the IA as a haiku and be done with it.

 

That I would like to see.

 

I had a bunch of things to say, but Apothete got there first.

 

Damn you, you sneakily quick dreadnought-ninja you.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

The Purge of Caelum

 

Upon the field of battle the Starstriders met with success after success; even the most tenacious foe could not deal the deathblow to a Chapter who can replace losses at such a startling rate and for hundreds of years the Chapter slaughtered any foes they found in the name of the Emperor. On the Fields of Vetuun the Veterans of the First Company reduced an entire Armoured Company and its supporting infantry to molten slag for the loss of only four Marines, whilst during the Telemach Rift campaign the Chapter took eleven enemy vessels as prizes; though such gain was tempered by the loss of the Strike Cruiser Unyielding Fury and all but seven Marines of 4th Company carried by her.

 

The one great mark against the Chapter would be that as the years progressed the civilian casualties during their operations began to escalate; the Starstriders put more emphasis on destroying the foe than protecting those who need it, as they had done so in the past. The Siege of Tal-Maruun would be both the finest hour of the Chapters early life and its most defining moment.

 

Responding to a distress call from a small serf enclave outside of the main Forge, the entire available strength of the Starstriders descended upon Tal-Maruun; seven Companies near full strength along with a detachment of the First led by First Captain Du

Edited January 15, 2011 by Captain Juan Juarez

[NightrawenII]

What about this colour scheme. *I just don't like coloured soft armour and pipes.*

http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/sm.php?b62c=@hfhOF_hnbbn.hNAf0@@@@@@@i5Wmw@_@@.iakk7@_@@.@@@@@@.iakk7.iakk7@@@@@@@@@@__@@@@@@_@@@@@@_iakk7&

 

even the most tenacious foe could not deal the deathblow to a Chapter who can replace losses at such a startling rate and for hundreds of years the Chapter slaughtered any foes they found in the name of the Emperor.

The Horus Heresy had revealed weaknesses in the geneseed of several Space Marine Legions which had been exaggerated by the accelerated zygote harvesting techniques needed to keep the huge Space Marine Legions up to strength. The powers of Chaos exploited this growing physical and mental corruption to turn Horus

Edited January 15, 2011 by NightrawenII

[Captain Juan Juarez]

But.. But.. I like Liche Purple!

 

The Horus Heresy had revealed weaknesses in the geneseed of several Space Marine Legions which had been exaggerated by the accelerated zygote harvesting techniques needed to keep the huge Space Marine Legions up to strength. The powers of Chaos exploited this growing physical and mental corruption to turn Horus’s troops against the Emperor. The prime objective of the new Codex Astartes was to recognise and expunge these weaknesses.

 

The Codex decreed that Space Marines would be created and trained over a controlled period of time. The genetic banks used to cultivate implants would be carefully monitored and cultivated organs would be subject to the most stringent tests of purity. Young initiates would undergo rigorous trials of physical and psychological suitability before they were accepted, and only those of the highest calibre would be chosen.

- Just saying.

 

I know, however in my defence it doesn't last.

 

Is just me or anyone else smells MIS? ;)

 

Why? Becuse they beat inferior armour and infantry, or because their fleet captured eleven vessels for the complete loss of a strike cruiser and Company? Neither is out of the realms of possibility.

 

Why kind of enemy warrant the deployment of nearly entire Chapter?

 

Traitor Guard and Traitor Marines; both are mentioned but it isn't expressly stated.

 

Why am I not surprised?? ;)

 

If all-else fails, just roll a D6 on the following "How to justify anything in 40K" chart:

 

1- Horrific Mutation

2- Inquisitorial Conspiracy

3- Psychic Ability

4- Xenos Technology

5- Sorcery

6- Standard Template Construct

 

hmmmm.... :P

 

Because that was poorly written, I imagine.

 

The idea is that due to certain conditions - inducted Marines natives of Caelum and the atomsphere etc - causes the brains of the Marines to alter, making them more callous and distant.. I tacked on the mutation bit because the world needs purging, but I admit it's /fail; I just didn't know how else to get to the Purge.

 

EDIT: I've edited the Purge part; hopefull it's less.. Crap now, but still allows the Purge to take place - it has to as that's the defining characteristic of the later Chapter.

Edited January 15, 2011 by Captain Juan Juarez

[Captain Juan Juarez]

I have incorporated the Purge section into the whole in the first post, hopefully it flows better when taken into consideration with the other parts of the article.

[Yogi]

Some thoughts.. I shall not 'kill' it.

 

"...perhaps even an unsurge in psychic potential."

 

Forgive me what is an unsurge?

 

 

Also do you have an explanation why some are affected by the 'Everything offends me brain syndrome' and others not? Is there degrees to the condition? It also comes across very rapidly, why all of a sudden? Like I was wondering why if it is so rapid , it seems to of just picked after the apocethary caught whiff of the problem. Maybe I misread.

 

2 kraks

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Some thoughts.. I shall not 'kill' it.

 

"...perhaps even an unsurge in psychic potential."

 

Forgive me what is an unsurge?

 

 

Also do you have an explanation why some are affected by the 'Everything offends me brain syndrome' and others not? Is there degrees to the condition? It also comes across very rapidly, why all of a sudden? Like I was wondering why if it is so rapid , it seems to of just picked after the apocethary caught whiff of the problem. Maybe I misread.

 

2 kraks

 

That would be a typo that the Emperor's Gardeners failed to prune in time.

 

The condition occurs over time, but something within the atmosphere - or suns rays or whatever else could make sense - accelerates the condition. I wanted to get in to a time frame of something like a thousand years - the Caelun natives would enver experience this problem normally but due to the longevity of the Astartes it becomes a problem; it's hard for me to convey a sense of time, which is why I staed something like.. "x years later...".

 

As to why some are and some are not; one of the 40k mysteries of genetics - at the time Vaen only knows that some fall foul of the alterations and he is more worried about the impact for the Chapter than why A changes and B does not.

[Chapter Master Ignis Domus]

Bwah hah hah! Just for you, I shall critique with exceedingly harshness. :lol:

 

During the Sixth Founding the Starstriders were called into existence, though the exact reason is lost from Chapter archives the earliest records available to the Chapter show their initial campaigns were against the mercurial Eldar and their far sailing pirate fleets

 

Brother-Captain Du'shaal, late of the Salamanders Seventh Company, was given the honour of leading this fledgling Chapter into existence. Du'shaal, a dour but capable Marine who nevertheless displayed much of the Salamanders humanitarian nature, would heed the word of the Emperor’s Tarot reading of Epistolary La’ruun in finding a cradle of creation for his new ward.

This reading would lead to the world of Caelum in Segmentum Pacificus.

 

So they don't know anything about themselves, yet they know everything about their founding officers? Strange. And please don't do unknown geneseed as a result of what I just said. Move the other direction. Less is not more.

 

The world of Caelum was chosen for the Starstriders by Captain Du’shaal following the reading by La’ruun; with no known records available to the Chapter regarding the world and genetic testing showing high levels of purity, it took almost no time at all for the Chapter to formally lay claim to Caelum.

 

Why did not knowing anyting about the world speed up selection.

 

The natives of Caelum live within a strict and ordered society; each man, woman or child is assigned a Caste at birth and neither deviations nor challenges to this order are tolerated. The Caste chosen at your birth is that of your parents and such will be the Caste of your children.

The one exception to this strict and ordered society is the groups known as Lodges, Cults or Orders – depending on where upon Caelum an initiate is from. Each Order venerates an Aspect of the Skyfather - the name given to the Emperor in the Old Ways of Caelum – with the Warrior, the Healer, the Smith and the Stranger being the largest four of all the Orders present on Caelum.

The Orders would find their way into the Chapter in an essence to capture that sense of brotherhood unfound in normal Caelun society; minds so hardwired to order and place that even the hypno-conditioning of the induction process could only alter so much.

 

Good solution to the problems you had with this. I like this. Though when I saw "Aspect of the Skyfather", I read it as Anakin Skywalker. I was scared for a moment.

 

Upon the field of battle the Starstriders met with success after success; even the most tenacious foe could not deal the deathblow to a Chapter who can replace losses at such a startling rate and for hundreds of years the Chapter slaughtered any foes they found in the name of the Emperor. On the Fields of Vetuun the Veterans of the First Company reduced an entire Armoured Company and its supporting infantry to molten slag for the loss of only four Marines, whilst during the Telemach Rift campaign the Chapter took eleven enemy vessels as prizes; though such gain was tempered by the loss of the Strike Cruiser Unyielding Fury and all but seven Marines of 4th Company carried by her.

 

Supermarine to the rescue! Ten tanks+supporting infantry-four marines=doubtful. Try not too make them too awesome.

 

The one great mark against the Chapter would be that as the years progressed the civilian casualties during their operations began to escalate; the Starstriders put more emphasis on destroying the foe than protecting those who need it, as they had done so in the past. The Siege of Tal-Maruun would be both the finest hour of the Chapters early life and its most defining moment.

 

I thought we were Salmander descendents led by a humanitarian captain.

 

Responding to a distress call from a small serf enclave outside of the main Forge, the entire available strength of the Starstriders descended upon Tal-Maruun; seven Companies near full strength along with a detachment of the First led by First Captain Du’shaal himself.

 

Does First Captain mean Chapter Master or First Company Captain. If the latter, why is he not the chapter master. That's what the chief of the veteran cadre usually becomes. Unless they die. Which he hasn't...yet.

 

First-Captain Du’shaal despatched 3rd Company to secure the areas surrounding the serf enclave under the command of the newly promoted Captain Volk – the first native Caelun to achieve a Company command.

 

Details like that make this sound good.

 

Volk would be vigorous in his duty; setting a perimeter that the Guard forces broke themselves on repeatedly before seeking easier targets. In moments Volk and the 3rd were charging from their makeshift defences and taking the fight to the fleeing traitors, in those moments a small force of Night Lords would charge through the enclave and slay all in their path. Vox traffic would later identify that Captain Volk was aware of the massacre, but was more intent on crushing those before him than turning back to save the civilians.

 

Minor thing, you use the phrase "in moments" right before you say "in those moments". It just sounds a tad queer to me.

 

Such occurrences would not be limited to only the 3rd Company during this campaign, though only Volk was so vocal in defending his actions.

 

Again,I can see Volk doing this, but not the Sally veterans.

 

For both his own valour and that of his Chapter, Du’shaal was awarded an ancient yet deadly suit of Terminator Armour and to this day the Armour of Tal-Maruun is a potent symbol of the Chapter Masters authority.

 

By whom? And why is it deadly?

 

Master Apothecary Vaen, still ensconced upon Caelum to facilitate proper recruitment and induction processes, would begin a task that had been close to him since his days as a Salamander; ensuring purity of geneseed from new recruits. His discovery would rock the Chapter to its very core.

 

Colon, not semi-colon.

 

Du’shaal and the Starstriders returned to Caelum to find its fortress-monastery under siege by its own brothers; changes occuring within them that render all sense of brotherhood - even that tempered by the Orders and Lodges - null, old hatreds and petty rivalries causing brother to be set against brother.

 

Why isn't this happening to the marines on the ship?

 

The returning fleet deployed on full war footing at the request of Vaen and Chief Librarian La’ruun, though such an action only exacerbated the situation as members of the returning Companies began to show rapid changes in emotive capability; later theories would stipulate that something within the planets atmosphere or the rays of the sun would cause the change to accelerate. With a slowly burning rage building inside his twin-hearts, First Captain Du’shall ordered the Chapter back to the fleet with those unchanged amongst the fortress following them.

 

I see. Ignore the previous comment.

 

Sounds like a cool IA.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

During the Sixth Founding the Starstriders were called into existence, though the exact reason is lost from Chapter archives the earliest records available to the Chapter show their initial campaigns were against the mercurial Eldar and their far sailing pirate fleets

 

Brother-Captain Du'shaal, late of the Salamanders Seventh Company, was given the honour of leading this fledgling Chapter into existence. Du'shaal, a dour but capable Marine who nevertheless displayed much of the Salamanders humanitarian nature, would heed the word of the Emperor’s Tarot reading of Epistolary La’ruun in finding a cradle of creation for his new ward.

This reading would lead to the world of Caelum in Segmentum Pacificus.

 

So they don't know anything about themselves, yet they know everything about their founding officers? Strange. And please don't do unknown geneseed as a result of what I just said. Move the other direction. Less is not more.

 

- See I don't get why this is such a problem; I'm hinting at the reason without saying it and also, memory units fail with a startling rapidity in my life.

 

The world of Caelum was chosen for the Starstriders by Captain Du’shaal following the reading by La’ruun; with no known records available to the Chapter regarding the world and genetic testing showing high levels of purity, it took almost no time at all for the Chapter to formally lay claim to Caelum.

 

- Why did not knowing anyting about the world speed up selection.

 

It's a "Wow, this is almost too good to be true.. Lets have it.." moment.

 

The natives of Caelum live within a strict and ordered society; each man, woman or child is assigned a Caste at birth and neither deviations nor challenges to this order are tolerated. The Caste chosen at your birth is that of your parents and such will be the Caste of your children.

The one exception to this strict and ordered society is the groups known as Lodges, Cults or Orders – depending on where upon Caelum an initiate is from. Each Order venerates an Aspect of the Skyfather - the name given to the Emperor in the Old Ways of Caelum – with the Warrior, the Healer, the Smith and the Stranger being the largest four of all the Orders present on Caelum.

The Orders would find their way into the Chapter in an essence to capture that sense of brotherhood unfound in normal Caelun society; minds so hardwired to order and place that even the hypno-conditioning of the induction process could only alter so much.

 

Good solution to the problems you had with this. I like this. Though when I saw "Aspect of the Skyfather", I read it as Anakin Skywalker. I was scared for a moment.

 

- Why thank you!

 

Upon the field of battle the Starstriders met with success after success; even the most tenacious foe could not deal the deathblow to a Chapter who can replace losses at such a startling rate and for hundreds of years the Chapter slaughtered any foes they found in the name of the Emperor. On the Fields of Vetuun the Veterans of the First Company reduced an entire Armoured Company and its supporting infantry to molten slag for the loss of only four Marines, whilst during the Telemach Rift campaign the Chapter took eleven enemy vessels as prizes; though such gain was tempered by the loss of the Strike Cruiser Unyielding Fury and all but seven Marines of 4th Company carried by her.

 

Supermarine to the rescue! Ten tanks+supporting infantry-four marines=doubtful. Try not too make them too awesome.

 

- See, you're presupposing it's just infantry - so maybe I should make mention of the armour I also envisaged?

 

The one great mark against the Chapter would be that as the years progressed the civilian casualties during their operations began to escalate; the Starstriders put more emphasis on destroying the foe than protecting those who need it, as they had done so in the past. The Siege of Tal-Maruun would be both the finest hour of the Chapters early life and its most defining moment.

 

I thought we were Salmander descendents led by a humanitarian captain.

 

- They are, see crazy mind changes.

 

Responding to a distress call from a small serf enclave outside of the main Forge, the entire available strength of the Starstriders descended upon Tal-Maruun; seven Companies near full strength along with a detachment of the First led by First Captain Du’shaal himself.

 

Does First Captain mean Chapter Master or First Company Captain. If the latter, why is he not the chapter master. That's what the chief of the veteran cadre usually becomes. Unless they die. Which he hasn't...yet.

 

There will be a side bar on Du'shaal to explain this; suffice to say he refuses to return to the Salamanders - I like the idea that he had the choice - and intends not to rule the Chapter only lead it until such time as he cannot any longer - i.e. death.

 

First-Captain Du’shaal despatched 3rd Company to secure the areas surrounding the serf enclave under the command of the newly promoted Captain Volk – the first native Caelun to achieve a Company command.

 

Details like that make this sound good.

 

- It also helps the "crazy mind" progression for what follows.

 

Volk would be vigorous in his duty; setting a perimeter that the Guard forces broke themselves on repeatedly before seeking easier targets. In moments Volk and the 3rd were charging from their makeshift defences and taking the fight to the fleeing traitors, in those moments a small force of Night Lords would charge through the enclave and slay all in their path. Vox traffic would later identify that Captain Volk was aware of the massacre, but was more intent on crushing those before him than turning back to save the civilians.

 

Minor thing, you use the phrase "in moments" right before you say "in those moments". It just sounds a tad queer to me.

 

- I'm lacking a "phrase thesaurus".

 

Such occurrences would not be limited to only the 3rd Company during this campaign, though only Volk was so vocal in defending his actions.

 

Again,I can see Volk doing this, but not the Sally veterans.

 

- Salamander Veteran charges certain squads - under the command of Caelun Sergeants - to a certain task, which they do but only until their mind says "our duty is to kill, not babysit".

 

For both his own valour and that of his Chapter, Du’shaal was awarded an ancient yet deadly suit of Terminator Armour and to this day the Armour of Tal-Maruun is a potent symbol of the Chapter Masters authority.

 

By whom? And why is it deadly?

 

- Who should be obvious, it's a Forge World! The why.. Well, thats a Chapter secret!

 

Master Apothecary Vaen, still ensconced upon Caelum to facilitate proper recruitment and induction processes, would begin a task that had been close to him since his days as a Salamander; ensuring purity of geneseed from new recruits. His discovery would rock the Chapter to its very core.

 

Colon, not semi-colon.

 

- Have you noticed my thing for the semi-colon?

 

Du’shaal and the Starstriders returned to Caelum to find its fortress-monastery under siege by its own brothers; changes occuring within them that render all sense of brotherhood - even that tempered by the Orders and Lodges - null, old hatreds and petty rivalries causing brother to be set against brother.

 

Why isn't this happening to the marines on the ship?

 

The returning fleet deployed on full war footing at the request of Vaen and Chief Librarian La’ruun, though such an action only exacerbated the situation as members of the returning Companies began to show rapid changes in emotive capability; later theories would stipulate that something within the planets atmosphere or the rays of the sun would cause the change to accelerate. With a slowly burning rage building inside his twin-hearts, First Captain Du’shall ordered the Chapter back to the fleet with those unchanged amongst the fortress following them.

 

I see. Ignore the previous comment.

 

Sounds like a cool IA.

 

Pre-emptive strike! :lol:

 

Cheers for the comments, I hope I've answered in a way that satsifies you.

 

Also, be on the look out for the Beliefs section that I'm writing as I speak!

[Captain Juan Juarez]

*Snipped to First Post* Edited January 17, 2011 by Captain Juan Juarez

[Ecritter]

First thing that pops out to me is the use of paragraphs. One sentence paragraphs is a no-no, and you have three to start this section. Not to mention that the first one leaves me saying ... What? :P

[Captain Juan Juarez]

First thing that pops out to me is the use of paragraphs. One sentence paragraphs is a no-no, and you have three to start this section. Not to mention that the first one leaves me saying ... What? :eek

 

Yeah, I've struggled with paragraphs* occasionally and I understood it totally!

 

Any other critiques to it? Anything that looks out of place?

 

*Also, apparently, coherent replies to critique.

Edited January 16, 2011 by Captain Juan Juarez

[Ecritter]

Other then being completely confused after reading the first para ... I'd say it reads well and I like it.

 

I really like how they're turning out.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Other then being completely confused after reading the first para ... I'd say it reads well and I like it.

 

I really like how they're turning out.

 

Try reading that again; I've contracted parts and rephrased that to make more sense/be less confusing.

[Ecritter]

Much better.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Much better.

 

I suffer from "Well I know what I mean.." Syndrome.

 

 

Do you think "The Aftermath of Caelum" or whatever it's titled, is better to come after the Beliefs? Or should I move Beliefs before the Purge section so it flows better?

[Yogi]

It's not much but this sentence... it hurts me.

 

 

The brain as time passes would undergo changes which, when combined with the organs and chemicals that contribute to creating and maintaining a battle brother, would exponentially increase the rate at which these might occur; the impurity laying dormant in a native Caelun because they cannot possess the longevity of a Space Marine.

 

 

Maybe something like.

 

As time passes the neural paths within the brain are altered. This phenomenon combined with the organs and chemicals of Astartes physiology, along with their longevity, exponentially increases the rate which the impurity occurs. An impurity that remains hidden in the native Caelun.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

It's not much but this sentence... it hurts me.

 

 

The brain as time passes would undergo changes which, when combined with the organs and chemicals that contribute to creating and maintaining a battle brother, would exponentially increase the rate at which these might occur; the impurity laying dormant in a native Caelun because they cannot possess the longevity of a Space Marine.

 

 

Maybe something like.

 

As time passes the neural paths within the brain are altered. This phenomenon combined with the organs and chemicals of Astartes physiology, along with their longevity, exponentially increases the rate which the impurity occurs. An impurity that remains hidden in the native Caelun.

 

Rereading it, I see what you mean; it seemed to make sense and be non-brain hurting when I was typing it out.

 

I'll work on that, but is it ok other than that?

 

Cheers for the input dude.

 

EDIT: Also, I'm starting to dislike "Starstriders" as a Chapter name; it's like of those cool Japanese names that when you try and translate it to English just... fails.

 

EDIT EDIT: Beliefs is now part of the main post, coming under Homeworld and I have re-jigged the brain-hurting sentences, as has been suggested, though done so in my own way.

 

My next port of call, plus and discrepancies you guys pick up on in the main block of what I've done, is "The Aftermath" which is where the good bits that define them now should come.

Edited January 17, 2011 by Captain Juan Juarez