Captain Juan Juarez Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 any more feedback from you lovely members? ;) I promise to read this, just not right at this second... But hopefully by tonight or tomorrow, honest! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219202-sons-of-deliverance/page/2/#findComment-2620410 Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightrawenII Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 any more feedback from you lovely members? :lol: No sniggering... This is serious business. ^_^ Founding: 23rd founding in M38. - The 23rd Founding was in the M37 according to IA9. 331.M40: Disaster befalls the chapter in the form of a tyranid hive fleet. - Ahem: 745.M41 – Hive Fleet Behemoth, first contact with Tyranids. ++++ To be honest, this is really hard to comment. There is "nothing" wrong with this writing, but on the hand there is nothing "cool". The aim of Index Astartes is to give the reader full-idea of who the Chapter is and explain why they do the things they do. However, the "good" IA does it in "Hey man, look how my guy are cool!!" manner while the "bad" IA reads like autopsy-report. This is matter of strong theme, unique idea and/or passion of the writer. Now, no offence but your IA lacks the strong theme and unique idea, so what is left is the passion of the writer. Unfortunately you are focusing your effort in the wrong direction, the timeline. To put it bluntly, the timeline is useless piece of information. Most readers don't want to read what some random dude did on that Emperor-forgotten piece of rock or what your dudes beat a century earlier. It bores reader to the death because, like the majority of the facts, it's dry and dull. So my advices are: - Scrap the timeline, because it derails you from what is important. - Focus on the theme of your Chapter, tell yourself WHO are the Sons of Deliverance (forget the tyranids). - What is the culture they take the recruits from? This is important source of Chapter customs, don't overlook it. - What is their belief? What are their ideals? For what they fight? WHY? and HOW? (another important section that defines Chapter) - The Combat Doctrine is "not" about tactic or/and weapons they use, but about the approach to the warfare in general and the attitude in the war. WHY? - The key to the successful writing of IA is make a statement, explain it and give the example. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219202-sons-of-deliverance/page/2/#findComment-2620559 Share on other sites More sharing options...
seaglen Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 haha nightraven, you have got me there! 745.M41 – Hive Fleet Behemoth, first contact with Tyranids. ok, looks like a bit of a re-write is in order! many thanks for the feedback. Ill be writing the Sons more depth over the next day, including all the pointers youve mentioned. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219202-sons-of-deliverance/page/2/#findComment-2623215 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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