Undaunted Predators V 3.0

[CKO]

I would like to thank any reader who is taking the time to read this thread, as I am trying my best to make a good IA and any cc is greatly appreciated. This is the 3rd update of my IA and it has 3 sections instead of one! As I wrote the IA I had more questions then I had answers, but hopefully someone will be able to answer the few questions I have and make suggestions that will make the IA better.

 

How would you order the sections?

 

What do you think the origin section is lacking?

 

Is the description of the planets enough?

 

What parts needs trimming?

 

What parts needs more details?

 

Do you understand the belief section?

 

What can I name the Mighty Spirit?

 

“There will be no words spoken, no greetings, no acknowledgement, no mission briefing the Undaunted Predators come for battle, they come to hunt.”

Commander of 243 Cadian Regiment, Colonel Hiosew

 

Origins

 

An increase in military activity around the Eye of Terror was a cause of concern for the Imperium. Several Military Commanders and Tech Adepts studying the patterns of attacks believed that the Imperium should prepare itself for another Black Crusade. Around the same time, Astropaths started to have a harder time sending and receiving messages, and other psykers were having visions of plagues, cities engulfed in flames, and Commanders turning upon each other. Already under great duress from Ork Waaghs and Eldar Raids it was clear that the Departmento Munitorum was not going to be able to provide reinforcements to everyone that needed it. Faced with such adversity from all directions the High Lords of Terra approved of the 9th Founding.

 

The Adeptus Mechanicus used Rogal Dorn’s geneseed, selected from the stock of the Iron Knight’s to create the new Chapter. The Iron Knights training cadre consisted of the usual positions such as librarians, techmarines, and chaplains but the majority of the marines were Vanguard Veterans. It is unknown if this was done on purpose or not, but the Chapter’s demented preference for close combat started in its infancy stages. Their preference for close quarters combat would eventually lead to the chapter diverging significantly from the Codex Astartes.

 

Unlike most Space Marine Chapters who get to select their Home World, the Imperium stationed the new Chapter on a Feral world in the Oan Drove system. The Chapter was created to patrol the Segmentum Pacificus, while being within range to provide reinforcements to the Eye of Terror if needed. With just enough resources from the self-efficient Oan Drove System and excellent tutelage from the Iron Knight’s training cadre the Undaunted Predators were able to get in full fighting conditions in a short amount of time, and started to have successful campaigns against small Ork Waaghs in the Segmentum.

 

Oan Drove System

 

The smallest planet in the Oan Drove system is Mena, a mining world that is the closest planet to the sun. The planet is a huge desert split into regions by mountains, the planet has large lakes scattered across the globe. The inhabitants carve their homes into the mountains using them as a natural shield against the sun as the average temperature on the planet is well over 100 degrees. The working conditions for the miners are unsafe as there are frequent cave-ins, tiny poisonous Mena scorpions, and tremors. Although the working conditions are horrible the small planet manages to mine a surplus of precious metals for the Imperium. Their working conditions may be bad, but the living condition for the planet is above average compared to Imperium standards because of trade routes with the other planets in the system.

 

The next planet according to distance away from the sun is Batile. Despite its small size, Batile is classified as a Hive World, and pays tithes to the Imperium in the form of military equipment and regiments. The Batilians are very militaristic and use the small spaces in between Hive Clusters for military training. The Batilians start drafting at a very young age, giving their troops two to three years of more experience compared to other world’s regiments. The Batilian Regiments are well known around the Eye of Terror for their courageous sacrifices and deeds.

 

The following planet away from the sun after Batile is the Undaunted Predators Home World, Madera. The planet is a huge jungle with various creatures of all different shapes and sizes. The planet’s wildlife is dazzling as every shade of the rainbow can be seen in the scales of reptiles, wings of insects, and the fur of animals. Some of the plants seem to interact with their surroundings changing shape, size, and color similar to underwater anemones.

 

Despite its looks, Madera is a death world full of natural predators that hunt the small tribes of people on the planet. The inhabitants live in a pre-gunpowder age relying on spears, bow and arrows, axes, and swords to hunt for food. Scouts and traps are setup everywhere around villages for protection. When under an attack from one of the various predators on the planet, the villagers use their underground tunnels to escape.

 

The different tribes rarely wage war against each other, as they rely on one another for protection. Most of the underground tunnels lead to other villages, where the neighbor’s scout can send assistance to quickly get the women and children inside of their village. After every major attack the tribe will have to start over by moving to another place and building a new village, the average village has to move four to eight times a year.

 

The following planet is Crecer, it is an agri-world with most of its inhabitants working in the agriculture industry. The planet is similar in shape in size to Terra but the majority of the continents are plains, which have been irrigated for farming. Similar to Mena they have established trade routes with the other planets and manage to provide enough food for all of the planets in the Oan Drove system.

 

The last and largest planet in the Oan Drove system is Bizen. Bizen is an Imperial world that is nearly as big as Mena and Batile combine in terms of physical size. It is very similar to Terra except for its much colder temperatures; the planet is one of the most productive planets in the Segementum Pacificus, producing Imperial Ships not only for the Imperial Navy but for Space Marine Chapters near the Eye of Terror.

 

Beliefs

 

The tribesman believe in a Mighty Spirit that gives everything strength. They believe that the Mighty Spirit gives everyone a certain amount of strength at birth and the only way to gain strength is by hunting. With each animal they kill the Mighty Spirit blesses them with food, clothing, utensils, and inner strength, because of this belief the best hunters are the leaders of the tribes. When the new Chapter arrived and started to build their Fortress Monastery, the people saw them kill the most deadly animals on the planet as they cleared out space for their structures. They quickly acknowledged the marines as divine beings blessed beyond comprehension for their hunting skills. The tribes gladly traded their young men for the meat of fallen goliath animals believing that the exchanges made them closer to the Mighty Spirit.

 

The new recruits believe that the Emperor is the Mighty Spirit that gives everything strength, and that the Primarchs were the best hunters the galaxy has ever known. They hunted and kill so many enemies for the Emperor that they themselves became capable of blessing their tribesman with a unique form of strength. They believe that each Chapter is a tribe that carries on the Strength of their Primarch, and the only way to continue to be blessed and gain strength is to hunt and kill the foes of the Emperor. The first Chapter Master named the chapter the Undaunted Predators, as they believe that it is their divine duty to hunt and kill the enemies of the Emperor.

 

Thanks for reading!

[Octavulg]

How would you order the sections?

 

Tell me, young Padawan, have you read the Octaguide? :wacko:

 

Your current order works fine, honestly.

 

What do you think the origin section is lacking?

 

Nothing in particular. You might want to add a history section after it and detail any formative events in the Chapter's character - like how they diverged from the Codex (assuming the process is interesting). Looks more or less fine as it is to me, though.

 

Though you're missing even an approximate date for all this. Some context is good - narrowing it down to a millenium is enough. Or even "several millenia after X, where X is a date or event we know".

 

Is the description of the planets enough?

 

Too much, actually.

 

What parts needs trimming?

 

The section on the system. The details of the various worlds don't add that much to our understanding of the Chapter. Mentioning that there are several other inhabited worlds and that its commercially successful would do it. Though I question there being so many inhabited worlds, or there being such a primitive world when there are other prosperous ones - maybe there was some settlement/colonization/trading and the Marines evicted them?

 

What parts needs more details?

 

Well, in the long run it would make sense to add the various other sections of an IA (assuming that's the sort of thing you want to be writing).

 

Do you understand the belief section?

 

What do you mean by this? Was there a hidden meaning?

 

It's a good Beliefs section. Makes sense, doesn't go into too much detail, characterful.

 

What can I name the Mighty Spirit?

 

Why must you name the Mighty Spirit?

 

Names in primitive cultures (and, indeed, in many modern ones) tend to mean remarkably prosaic things when you get right down to it. Chances are any name for the Mighty Spirit would actually mean, well, Mighty Spirit.

 

“There will be no words spoken, no greetings, no acknowledgement, no mission briefing the Undaunted Predators come for battle, they come to hunt.”

Commander of 243 Cadian Regiment, Colonel Hiosew

 

Good quote, poor parsing.

 

Try: "There will be no words spoken, no greeting, no mission briefing, no acknowledgement. The Undaunted Predators come for battle. They come to hunt."

 

The name "Undaunted Predators" is also a bit of a mouthful, though it's growing on me.

[CKO]

Tell me, young Padawan, have you read the Octaguide? :D

 

I have read it, and it has made my IA process alot easier!

 

Nothing in particular. You might want to add a history section after it and detail any formative events in the Chapter's character - like how they diverged from the Codex (assuming the process is interesting). Looks more or less fine as it is to me, though.

 

The IA is far from complete, I have several sections I need to add including one about the expected Black Crusade happening and the effect it has on the Oan Drove system. The Black Crusade event will hopefully add character and explain their divergence.

 

Though you're missing even an approximate date for all this. Some context is good - narrowing it down to a millenium is enough. Or even "several millenia after X, where X is a date or event we know".

 

Honestly, I would love to add approximate dates but I would have to find a Founding that is a couple of centuries before a Black Crusade, I have tried but I cannot find it.

 

Too much, actually.

 

I went into pretty good detail because I believe it will make the other sections easier to understand, particularly the battle scenes in the Black Crusade section.

 

The section on the system. The details of the various worlds don't add that much to our understanding of the Chapter. Mentioning that there are several other inhabited worlds and that its commercially successful would do it. Though I question there being so many inhabited worlds, or there being such a primitive world when there are other prosperous ones - maybe there was some settlement/colonization/trading and the Marines evicted them?

 

I agree the Oan Drove system section without the other sections seems unnecessary, but it will hopefully gain value as I continue to write the IA. Should I add a part about attempts by the other worlds to colonize Madera failing?

 

Well, in the long run it would make sense to add the various other sections of an IA (assuming that's the sort of thing you want to be writing).

 

I have an outline like you suggested in your guide but it shifts and transforms according to other's comments. The next sections inorder is Black Crusade, Aftermath, Reuniting with the Imperium, Chapter Organisation, Geneseed, Combat Doctrine, Famous Battles, Battle Cry.

 

What do you mean by this? Was there a hidden meaning?

It's a good Beliefs section. Makes sense, doesn't go into too much detail, characterful.

 

I didnt know if I did a good enough job explaining it, I am glad to see that it makes sense.

 

Why must you name the Mighty Spirit?

Names in primitive cultures (and, indeed, in many modern ones) tend to mean remarkably prosaic things when you get right down to it. Chances are any name for the Mighty Spirit would actually mean, well, Mighty Spirit.

 

You are right, I dont need to change the name.

 

Good quote, poor parsing.

Try: "There will be no words spoken, no greeting, no mission briefing, no acknowledgement. The Undaunted Predators come for battle. They come to hunt."

The name "Undaunted Predators" is also a bit of a mouthful, though it's growing on me.

 

I changed it in my microsoft word next revision will have it worded your way.

 

Thanks alot for your opinion Octavulg, do you have any suggestions or tips for the next few sections I am about to write?

[Octavulg]

The IA is far from complete, I have several sections I need to add including one about the expected Black Crusade happening and the effect it has on the Oan Drove system. The Black Crusade event will hopefully add character and explain their divergence.

 

While this can work out just fine, I remind you: what's important is how things affect the Chapter, not gritty details of battles.

 

Honestly, I would love to add approximate dates but I would have to find a Founding that is a couple of centuries before a Black Crusade, I have tried but I cannot find it.

 

There's the most recent one.

 

I went into pretty good detail because I believe it will make the other sections easier to understand, particularly the battle scenes in the Black Crusade section.

 

Possibly. But, honestly, I think you may be creating more detail than is needed. Unless you're going to produce a lot of details on the battles of the Black Crusade, you likely can just refer to the worlds as "other planets in the system" or something of that nature.

 

And, as above, I'd recommend against lots of detail. Effects are important, not the details of a battle.

 

I agree the Oan Drove system section without the other sections seems unnecessary, but it will hopefully gain value as I continue to write the IA. Should I add a part about attempts by the other worlds to colonize Madera failing?

 

If they continue to be as relatively prosperous as they are, I think it might be worth mentioning.

 

Also, mention Madera either first or last in the section. It's the most important world in relation to the Chapter, and so should be distinguished from the masses.

 

I have an outline like you suggested in your guide but it shifts and transforms according to other's comments. The next sections inorder is Black Crusade, Aftermath, Reuniting with the Imperium, Chapter Organisation, Geneseed, Combat Doctrine, Famous Battles, Battle Cry.

 

That's quite a bit. Also, I'd recommend putting Famous Battles after Battle Cry - such sections tend to either be loved or hated, and making them something of an afterthought makes it easier for people to skip them without breaking the flow of their reading.

 

Also, unless they're very short sections, this is going to be a very long IA. Long is not necessarily bad, but I've seen very few IAs that wouldn't be better a little shorter. Better to focus on a few things and develop them well than to fall down trying to write an epic.

 

Thanks alot for your opinion Octavulg, do you have any suggestions or tips for the next few sections I am about to write?

 

Not really, to be honest. It might help to write things backwards (in some ways), or to read through your progression of events backwards. Sometimes makes it easier to spot the points where you're stretching to make character actions fit what you want rather than making them fit the events.

[CKO]

I will try my best not to go into to much detail as it can easily take away from the IA like you have pointed out. The goal of the IA is to use it as an outline for my codex, that might explain why I am writing a little bit to much. I will perhaps tone the IA down and keep certain parts for the codex. I will try reading the sections backwards to see how if it can give me a different perspective of the IA.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

One thing I will say - in counterpoint to Batmans advice - is that it is far easier, or so I've found, to remove excess detail than it is to add in and remain coherent to the original premise.

 

So maybe concentrate upon getting everything down and then deciding where/what can be cut? But I admit, Octavulgs experience in the arena far outstrips my own.

[Octavulg]

It can be both. Sometimes it's easy to do, sometimes it's hard to do. Depends on your writing style, how many ideas you have for the IA, and how well you can slot details in after the fact.

[CKO]

I post up section by section because I value everyones opinion and it is easy for me to get off track by going into deep detail about things that doesnt matter. Sometimes I get burnt out and by posting up what I have I get to take a few days off and listen to others opinions. Which motivates me to resume writing, and to make the neccessary changes to make the IA better for the reader.

 

I think that more people should post section by section because we all have an establish expectation or image of what a legitimate IA should look like. One early mistake that has snowballed into a big problem could be fixed relatively early by asking the opinion of one of the vets such as octavulg early.

 

With all that said Captain Juan, I agree I should complete the entire IA (even if the later parts are just outlines), that way it is easier to make adjustments. I can then post what I feel comfortable with and be able to explain my vision alot easier.

[Octavulg]

Post the whole thing, just with less details. Outlines are wonderful thing for that. :huh: