XKhalilX Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 As long as there is something, I'm willing to critique it. Rates may very, as well as time I get it done by. http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/index.p...howtopic=147065 thats the IA from last year. obviously certain things need to be changed like names, and for some reason the font size got messed up and i cant figure out the code issue. ill just copy and paste my children of eternity down and replace it with Steel Wyverns words Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2627156 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 You almost certainly have a misplaced slash somewhere in the text, meaning one of the closing tags for the text size didn't, well, close. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2627164 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aegnor Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Taranis is much better than Gaulthia. Also, as someone who read and loved all the Asterix comics along with all my friends, I'd disagree that the Gauls are a race people will be completely unfamiliar with - in terms of actual history maybe, but in terms of the name, definitely not. Can you please please please make your Chief Librarian's name Getafix? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2627482 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 Taranis is much better than Gaulthia. Also, as someone who read and loved all the Asterix comics along with all my friends, I'd disagree that the Gauls are a race people will be completely unfamiliar with - in terms of actual history maybe, but in terms of the name, definitely not. Can you please please please make your Chief Librarian's name Getafix? hahaha i didnt know the asterix comic was based on a gaul. Ive seen pics of him. No one knows about that comic in the states. so let me restate: Americans are completely unfamiliar with Gauls. Since you, in general, we Americans don't give a crap about history unless it pertains to us, and don't give a crap about a country unless it can benefit us. I think that somes up the general american attitude. :P definitely not naming a character after a cartoon. MAYBE a minor Librarian, but chief? no way haha :D Taranis is starting to grow on me actually. It sounds like tyranny, and well the Steel Wyverns are all about being brutal in war and not holding back. With honor of course ;) ah the Noble Savage..... Octavulg: yeah ive been looking all over the code, I can't catch it anywhere. I think I should work on one section at time with feedbacka nd criticism, and then put it all together. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2627553 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 which one? (pretend the golds and the green are the same on both (matching the one on left), and both have black soft armor and red eyes (matching one one right). basically its either silver or green body thats the change and the robe color) first up, the introduction, the background: The Steel Wyverns are characterized by their extreme abhorrence of abhumans and Xenos. They believe in purity above all, and any weakness shown amongst their people is shown as a mark of deviant genetics. Their extreme xenophobia has put them in conflict on the battlefield with Imperial regiments that allow abhumans in their ranks, to the point that they will not allow any other then humans and adeptus astartes to enter the ____ Stars of which they protect and patrol. Due to this, they have a strong alliance with the Ordo Xenos, often sending battle brothers to spend time in the Deathwatch. Amongst fellow astartes, their bond with the Red Scorpions and Black Templars is seemingly unbreakable with a belief and culture similar to the Red Scorpions and leading or assisting in several crusades alongside the Black Templars. They pride themselves on their unyielding devotion to the Imperium and that of the Emperor of Mankind. They believe they are the inheritors of the Emperor's Great Crusade. Being isolated for so long and still clinging to their faith in the Emperor has given them a belief in their righteousness and superiority. Having their own unique form of Low Gothic that no offworlders understand further deepens their belief in what they perceive to be their “destiny of purity.” Man is the pinnacle of creation, and humankind must be defended and preserved. The chapter believes the people of Gaul are the standard for which the rest of humankind must follow. The chapter spends equal time in training for combat as well as spiritual devotion and monasticism. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2627558 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 The one on the left. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2627937 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 The one on the left. that is the current paint scheme I've been using. originally I was painting them boltgun metal with an inkwash mix (mix of devlan mud/black ink/single droplet of fiery orange) then i tried doing a base of charadon granite, with a drybrushing of adeptus battlegrey with above inkwash mix. I tended to like the charadon granite base with the adeptus battlegrey drybrushed on. Im thinking of changing it up some and doing charadan granite as base, then a light drybrush of adeptus battlegrey and then a drybrush of khemri brown I thought it gave a nice deep charcoal look with a hint of brown in the hue. hat do u think? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2628427 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I think you might be better off with the first, but the only way to know is to try it and see. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2628434 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 very true. any C&C on the first part put up? I am going to do it one section at a time, I think that is easier. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2628499 Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightrawenII Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Sorry for overly negative nad critical post, but... The Steel Wyverns are characterized by their extreme abhorrence of abhumans and Xenos. They believe in purity above all, and any weakness shown amongst their people is shown as a mark of deviant genetics. - I find this statement as the example of hypocrisy. I mean, biologically-engineered humand is looking down on the abhumans? This is like blonde-dyed people looking down on the people with red-hair, it is the same (nonsensical) logic. Being isolated for so long and still clinging to their faith in the Emperor has given them a belief in their righteousness and superiority. Having their own unique form of Low Gothic that no offworlders understand further deepens their belief in what they perceive to be their “destiny of purity.” Man is the pinnacle of creation, and humankind must be defended and preserved. The chapter believes the people of Gaul are the standard for which the rest of humankind must follow. - Having confidence in you actions is fine, but where do you draw a line? Pride, Overconfindence in your own Righteousness, Purity and Superiority is just first step on the path to Heresy and Damnation. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629022 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Sorry for overly negative nad critical post, but... The Steel Wyverns are characterized by their extreme abhorrence of abhumans and Xenos. They believe in purity above all, and any weakness shown amongst their people is shown as a mark of deviant genetics. - I find this statement as the example of hypocrisy. I mean, biologically-engineered humand is looking down on the abhumans? This is like blonde-dyed people looking down on the people with red-hair, it is the same (nonsensical) logic. It depends on the viewpoint. The Astartes are more than human,but they are engineered to take every positive trait of humanity and make it greater, whereas an abhuman is generally a being with degenerated/degenerating DNA. And this has a basis in fluff; Black Templars and Red Scorpians spring to mind immediately. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629024 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 juan is correct, any abnormalities amongst the red scorpions are not taken lightly, and if i recall they take aspirants as newborns and any abnormalities, the baby is thrown from a cliff. im sure i read that, either that or my own twisted imagination of the steel wyverns. Being isolated for so long and still clinging to their faith in the Emperor has given them a belief in their righteousness and superiority. Having their own unique form of Low Gothic that no offworlders understand further deepens their belief in what they perceive to be their “destiny of purity.” Man is the pinnacle of creation, and humankind must be defended and preserved. The chapter believes the people of Gaul are the standard for which the rest of humankind must follow. I know the space wolves pride themselves on their culture and I believe speak fenresian (i think in the novels). I wouldnt consider arrogance negative depending on how you look at it. Thoughts? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629256 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I wouldnt consider arrogance negative depending on how you look at it. Thoughts? Arrogance is negative, it's the flip-side of the coin from self-belief. To my mind arrogance is that element of "I'm better than you.. Prove it? Er, I don't have to..." Whilst self-belief is the quiet confidence of someone who has nothing to prove. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629262 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 I wouldnt consider arrogance negative depending on how you look at it. Thoughts? Arrogance is negative, it's the flip-side of the coin from self-belief. To my mind arrogance is that element of "I'm better than you.. Prove it? Er, I don't have to..." Whilst self-belief is the quiet confidence of someone who has nothing to prove. i would take it then most of the astartes are arrogant with some self belief thrown in. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629310 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I wouldnt consider arrogance negative depending on how you look at it. Thoughts? Arrogance is negative, it's the flip-side of the coin from self-belief. To my mind arrogance is that element of "I'm better than you.. Prove it? Er, I don't have to..." Whilst self-belief is the quiet confidence of someone who has nothing to prove. i would take it then most of the astartes are arrogant with some self belief thrown in. I would say the other way round; they have proven themselves countless times, but they always believe in their superiority - in some cases even when proven otherwise. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629328 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 I wouldnt consider arrogance negative depending on how you look at it. Thoughts? Arrogance is negative, it's the flip-side of the coin from self-belief. To my mind arrogance is that element of "I'm better than you.. Prove it? Er, I don't have to..." Whilst self-belief is the quiet confidence of someone who has nothing to prove. i would take it then most of the astartes are arrogant with some self belief thrown in. I would say the other way round; they have proven themselves countless times, but they always believe in their superiority - in some cases even when proven otherwise. thats basically what i was trying to get at. except they remember they come from humans and the human race is superior above all. abhumans left their humanity when degenerated into what they are. so homo sapien is the pinnacle of the God Emperor. Astartes are the ultimate of it all, and the steel wyverns feel they are the best of the best, the elite of astartes. they believe they fight for the great crusade, to them it never ended. thats why i made them "buddies" with the BTs and the Red Scorpions. the ideaology seems to go together nicely. they are arrogant in that they think Humanity will never lose, that the Steel Wyverns are the experts in enduring the hells chaos brings. basically there own culture and history they feel is a testament to this belief in self righteousness. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629344 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 That'll work. Something along the lines of... "We are Human as the Emperor is Human; the pinnicle of perfection and the manifest destiny as maters of the cosmos. The Ork.. The Eldar.. Their time has passed and we shall see their end. Until mankind rules the stars we shall not rest, for we are Steel Wyverns and nothing can halt our wrath." Which sounds crappy, but I hope condenses what you were going for? At least that was my interpretation. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629366 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 That'll work. Something along the lines of... "We are Human as the Emperor is Human; the pinnicle of perfection and the manifest destiny as maters of the cosmos. The Ork.. The Eldar.. Their time has passed and we shall see their end. Until mankind rules the stars we shall not rest, for we are Steel Wyverns and nothing can halt our wrath." Which sounds crappy, but I hope condenses what you were going for? At least that was my interpretation. "The Emperor, Holy is He, guides our blades and destiny. Humanity is the pinnicle of perfection. It is our right to rule the stars. His judgment has been set, His Great Crusade will never end. We are his hand of justice, we are his fist of steel. We will maim the mutant. We will burn the heretic. We will butcher the xenos. The abhuman..The traitor..The Ork.. The Eldar..The Tyranid..The Tau. All are our enemy. All are an abomination and a canker upon the galaxy. They will all be annhilated. We will burn their worlds and devour them whole. in the Name of the Emperor, we are mankind's greatest hope and fear. Until mankind rules the stars we shall not rest, for we are Steel Wyverns and nothing can halt our wrath. All will die...." Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629379 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 You hav the unfiar advantage of writin it for your own Chapter, but it was still better I admit :huh: The key is how you empahsise that in your piece; the Astartes are famous for being aloof from the comrades in arms amnogst the other arms of the Imperial armed forces, how do you convey the arrogance with that? Same with the Xenos and heretic, etc, every Chapter despises them.. How do you make the Wyverns stand out? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629408 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 You hav the unfiar advantage of writin it for your own Chapter, but it was still better I admit :huh: The key is how you empahsise that in your piece; the Astartes are famous for being aloof from the comrades in arms amnogst the other arms of the Imperial armed forces, how do you convey the arrogance with that? Same with the Xenos and heretic, etc, every Chapter despises them.. How do you make the Wyverns stand out? we all know astartes are the best of the best. above IG, above inquisition forces. They were the spearhead of teh Great Crusade, no one else. They are the universe's greatest warriors. Amongst the astartes, the Wyverns feel they are the best for simple fact to them that they were without Imperial aid and guidance for over 3000 years, they were on their own. No astartes protection, no IG regiment help. They fought endlessly to survive against the Dark Eldar scum. They were fodder for the xenos but they wouldnt go down without shedding the xenos blood. They knew they would possibly eventually die out but they wouldnt go down without a fight. The Imperium eventually found the region again, and astartes fought alongside the people and drove the Dark Eldar out. Many worlds have been touched by xenos corruption and oppression, but few were able to withstand it for so long. They knew theyd be annhilated sooner or later, but their faith in the Emperor never wavered, they believed he Great Crusade would touch their region of space again and save them. It did. When they learned about the heresy they were appalled and believed in their hearts the Crusade never ceased. The Imperium seems to be on the defense in alot of ways, rather then offense. for teh Steel Wyverns, its about offense, pushing the boundaries of the Imperium further and further. A Crusade is a Crusade to capture and conquer, to drive out the enemy. They feel because of their own faith, hardened by three millenia of xenos oppression, and their survival, it is a testament to the EMperor's Holiness, and their own destiny to be the new spearhead of the Crusade. You can call it arrogance, self-righteousness, they are who they are: Steel Wyverns. They carry the standard of the great Crusade in their minds hearts and souls in a way no other chapter can claim. They are survivors on epic costs and now they are unleashed to the stars. Vengeance is priceless.... Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629421 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 One problem with that is that it's hard to delineate between the people and Astartes in that paragraph; you don't make it especially clear. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629426 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 One problem with that is that it's hard to delineate between the people and Astartes in that paragraph; you don't make it especially clear. which paragraph? the one i just wrote or the one under background? cuz the one i just wrote was to clear points up and won't be in the actual IA under background Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629470 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 One problem with that is that it's hard to delineate between the people and Astartes in that paragraph; you don't make it especially clear. which paragraph? the one i just wrote or the one under background? cuz the one i just wrote was to clear points up and won't be in the actual IA under background The one you just put up - I gathered it wouldn't be in the actual IA but anyone looking at it for clarification will find it hard to distinguish the two. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629482 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 im not seeing how its hard to decipher? basically the people of the planet were oppressed for over 3000 years (m32-m35)by the xenos. they knew theyd be done sooner or later but had faith in emperor that he would return to save them from xenos filth. they fought for all those years, their faith in the emperor always strong. then when the iron snakes came they took it as a sign seeing the snake symbol, equating it to their belief in the wyverns, they saw it as a sign. so the snakes and the people fought against the dark eldar and killed them off in the region. for their loyalty and faith they were to become an astartes homeworld. when they learned the great crusade was really no longer and about the heresy (remember they were cut off from imperium for 3000) years they were appalled by what happen. as a space marine chapter the steel wyverns they despise xenos more then most for what they went through for thousands of years. to them they saw it as a trial from the emperor to break the weak and let the cream of the people survive. these people are the bloodlines from which the SW get their aspirants. that is why they consider themselves the best of the best. they vowed to continue the great crusade. since the crusade, the imperium has more or less be on the defense, protecting what they have, no much expanding. the Wyverns believe the Crusade never truly stopped and they are the new spearhead to launch the Crusade like once before. they are taking regions in the name of the EMperor, and will not dirty the honor of the Emperor by letting abhumans, mutants, heretics or xenos be within imperial boundaries. they are zealots in this regard, the crusades are a bloodbath for them and they bathe in it for the good of humanity. They paid a high cost suffering all those years under xenos oppression and now that they are unleashed, all hell is unleashed, vengeance is priceless and they are on a tear through the galaxy to kill all xenos, whether their savage animals like orks and tyranids, more intelligent like eldar or "peaceful" outwardly like the tau. Xenos is xenos, abhuman is abhuman, to the Steel Wyverns all are the same, all are filth all are abomination and all will die under their blades. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629497 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 im not seeing how its hard to decipher? basically the people of the planet were oppressed for over 3000 years (m32-m35)by the xenos. they knew theyd be done sooner or later but had faith in emperor that he would return to save them from xenos filth. they fought for all those years, their faith in the emperor always strong. then when the iron snakes came they took it as a sign seeing the snake symbol, equating it to their belief in the wyverns, they saw it as a sign. so the snakes and the people fought against the dark eldar and killed them off in the region. for their loyalty and faith they were to become an astartes homeworld. when they learned the great crusade was really no longer and about the heresy (remember they were cut off from imperium for 3000) years they were appalled by what happen. as a space marine chapter the steel wyverns they despise xenos more then most for what they went through for thousands of years. to them they saw it as a trial from the emperor to break the weak and let the cream of the people survive. these people are the bloodlines from which the SW get their aspirants. that is why they consider themselves the best of the best. they vowed to continue the great crusade. since the crusade, the imperium has more or less be on the defense, protecting what they have, no much expanding. the Wyverns believe the Crusade never truly stopped and they are the new spearhead to launch the Crusade like once before. they are taking regions in the name of the EMperor, and will not dirty the honor of the Emperor by letting abhumans, mutants, heretics or xenos be within imperial boundaries. they are zealots in this regard, the crusades are a bloodbath for them and they bathe in it for the good of humanity. They paid a high cost suffering all those years under xenos oppression and now that they are unleashed, all hell is unleashed, vengeance is priceless and they are on a tear through the galaxy to kill all xenos, whether their savage animals like orks and tyranids, more intelligent like eldar or "peaceful" outwardly like the tau. Xenos is xenos, abhuman is abhuman, to the Steel Wyverns all are the same, all are filth all are abomination and all will die under their blades. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/219908-steel-wyverns/page/2/#findComment-2629498 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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