IT: The Unchained

[Captain Juan Juarez]

until Kurr was deposed in rather dramatic and bloody style by the unknown quantity that was Ezekiel Brunner; Brunner was an unknown quantity even to Vassan Kurr

 

Just how unknown IS this guy? Also, I don't think 'quantity' is the right term to use.

 

It's the right term, trust me amigo :P

 

Kurr was not the type of leader to know every name and face under his command, coupled with the fact that there are no records available regarding Brunner = pretty mysterious dude.

 

sometimes even whilst in the service of Imperial Governers with a lax sense of right and wrong.

 

Maybe it's just me, but this feels a little off. Oh and it's Governors.

 

- Aye, I'm jumping the gun with that part but it will make sense when featured later in the article - I'll remove it for now though.

Edited January 24, 2011 by Captain Juan Juarez

[Heru]

until Kurr was deposed in rather dramatic and bloody style by the unknown quantity that was Ezekiel Brunner; Brunner was an unknown quantity even to Vassan Kurr

 

Just how unknown IS this guy? Also, I don't think 'quantity' is the right term to use.

 

It's the right term, trust me amigo :D

How can he trust you, when in the following sentence you have a MVWAWSB.

 

Kurr was not the type of leader to [MASSIVE VOID WHERE A WORD SHOULD BE] every name and face under his command, coupled with the fact that there are no records available regarding Brunner = pretty mysterious dude.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

until Kurr was deposed in rather dramatic and bloody style by the unknown quantity that was Ezekiel Brunner; Brunner was an unknown quantity even to Vassan Kurr

 

Just how unknown IS this guy? Also, I don't think 'quantity' is the right term to use.

 

It's the right term, trust me amigo :D

How can he trust you, when in the following sentence you have a MVWAWSB.

 

Kurr was not the type of leader to [MASSIVE VOID WHERE A WORD SHOULD BE] every name and face under his command, coupled with the fact that there are no records available regarding Brunner = pretty mysterious dude.

 

I have no idea what you mean..

 

In my defence, it's the damn work keyboard I'm typing on when I should be working.

[Plague Angel]

The Raid of Tal'Mahtin

 

The raid the Unchained would perpetrate upon the Tal'Mahtin shipyards would forever alter the perception of the Imperium to this motley band of pirates and mercenaries;

 

I... what? I can barely read this. "The perception of the Imperium to this motley band"? Does that mean the band's perception of the Imperium

Edited January 25, 2011 by Plague Angel

[Captain Juan Juarez]

*Snip*

 

I've worked through your points and made some changes, but i disagree with the name of Sailors Bane.. It's not silly, especially when taking into account GWs naming practices, it simply does what it says on the tin :lol:

 

EDIT: Have added some parts to Brunner to begin fleshing out his character - avarice being a main characteristic - any thoughts peoples of the InterWebs?

Edited January 25, 2011 by Captain Juan Juarez

[Plague Angel]

Okay, I guess Sailors Bane can be a cool name. I'm just not used to the idea of shipmen in space being called "sailors" I guess, so it struck me as kind of weird at first. Though it being your big flag ship, I still think you could have something more intimidating.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Okay, I guess Sailors Bane can be a cool name. I'm just not used to the idea of shipmen in space being called "sailors" I guess, so it struck me as kind of weird at first. Though it being your big flag ship, I still think you could have something more intimidating.

 

The flagship of Vassan Kurr, Brunner will be stealing his own at some point - incidentally, I sadly just finished the novel.. well sad/annoyed it's over - and it will have a far "cooler" name.

 

How do you like the changes? Also, don't be lazy and stop ignoring the Reavers :P

[Plague Angel]

It's a lot better. Could still use some polish on the individual sentences so they flow better or are more to the point. Some of them are too long. This is the most obvious one:

 

For the three hundred years prior to the Raid of Tal'Mahtin the Unchained were led by "Lord-Admiral" Vassan Kurr, a self-styled Pirate-King and subject to both bouts of paranoid violence and extreme depression, until Kurr was deposed in rather dramatic and bloody style by the unknown quantity that was Ezekiel Brunner with the backing of three confederates and his own skill at arms.

 

There are about four complete thoughts being conveyed by the one sentence. Some should be lopped out, either put into sentences of their own or just forgotten.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Ok, so we have Tal'Mahtin and Ezekiel Brunner.. Which is a fine beginning, even if both are not perfect but the question is what else does this style of IT actually need?

 

Organisation and Combat Doctrine are a must, as is a brief section of Geneseed but is that all that makes the IT? Or Do I maybe need another section of a large latter campaign?

 

Answers on a post to... This thread.