Gv0zD Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 there were enough to start a chapter with those that stayed behind on Baal and its moons, but not the full 1000, only about 300 to 500, and they built of that. So was it a 2nd founding chapter or not? If so, how did they manage to survive until 999.M34 at 500 men? If they were not 2nd founding chapter - they had to be bred by AdMech at full strength, no less. they would rather perish as a chapter in combat. officially they are a destroyed chapter. It strongly reminds me of The Legion of the Damned :D they also can produce only one gene seed each. they also have a flaw in addition to the thirst and rage, and that is that they have extreme difficulty asking for help from other souses outside there chapter. What flaw? That they can not produce more than one gene-seed? BTW what do you mean by "gene-seed"? The Progenoids that are contained in two glands, that are implanted during the rites of initiation (the 18th implant). "Gene-seed" in general refers to the primarch's genetic heritage. The progenoids are not produced by marines literally - they are extracted by priest and used to breed or cultivate new organs to be implanted into the aspirants. the weapon in question was forged by khorne himself, supposedly, for that reason, to destroy the cowards in orbit. I'm sorry, bit it seems to be ridiculous. How can a weapon forged-by-Khorne-himself appear on some inferior agriworld? I doubt he ever did forge any weapons. I might believe it, if it was build by Warsmiths of the Iron Warriors, but then you'd better include them into the fluff. So, mate, don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing your fluff for the sake of criticizing, I try to help you improve it. As was already said, if you post it in Liber Astartes section, you'll receive even more critique regarding the general 40k fluff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captain Angel Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 perhaps it was a feedback that happened when the teleporter activated, and a chain reaction destroyed one battle barge and and the debrie from that destroyed the 3 strike cruisers. it was more of a weapon that went through the teleporter and caused the ship to blow up from warp drive failure. is that more believable? it tis ither a second or third founding chapter, at 34999 they had a full chapter, but they started out at 300 to 500 warriors. The have only 1 gland. it is in there chest don't worry. i placed this up here for critiquing. any help is greatly appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leonaides Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 beware bowling balls in the liber... I'll try n comment more usefully later but at the moment- remember if we didn't see any merit in your idea you wouldn't get any comments at all. Even negative comments are meant to help you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gv0zD Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 perhaps it was a feedback that happened when the teleporter activated, and a chain reaction destroyed one battle barge and and the debrie from that destroyed the 3 strike cruisers. it was more of a weapon that went through the teleporter and caused the ship to blow up from warp drive failure. is that more believable? I must confess - I know very little of how teleporters work in 40k, however, as far I know such failure seems doubtful. Teleporter is not some kind of a gun, so it can't catch incoming fire (i.e. the gun that catches bullet in its barrel and then explodes). it tis ither a second or third founding chapter, at 34999 they had a full chapter, but they started out at 300 to 500 warriors. As I posted earlier - if they were of 3rd or later founding, they would be bred to full strength. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captain Angel Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Alright, so it will be bread to full strength. that is fine, not of big concern to me. thanks for the input there. What i meant was that the teleporter malfunctioned, couseing the warp drive to explode and destroying 3 strike cruisers. Again thank you for helping me to improve my chapter. ps. how do i ad the color scheme i created on the SM editor? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plague Angel Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 We do like chewing people up and spitting them out in the Liber. It hurts so good. perhaps it was a feedback that happened when the teleporter activated, and a chain reaction destroyed one battle barge and and the debrie from that destroyed the 3 strike cruisers. it was more of a weapon that went through the teleporter and caused the ship to blow up from warp drive failure. is that more believable? I must confess - I know very little of how teleporters work in 40k, however, as far I know such failure seems doubtful. According to the Imperium-only stratagem in Planetstrike, we've apparently weaponized teleporters. This doesn't strike me as too fanciful. The idea as a whole needs focus though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leonaides Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 The defenders of Baal were created entirely from the marines that remained on Baal - For several reasons, a second founding chapter of the Blood Angels is a very hard thing to try and do. The 2nd founding chapters from the BA's are already rather well-known and you will have to work very very hard to try and explain why this chapter is so far unknown in the GW universe. I'd suggest a later founding, as the founding isnt what seems to be your driving idea. How about something less likely to be a millstone round your neck, like the 8th founding? Still plenty old enough for you to have aquired multiple Battle-barges if your chapter was in the right situation, less need for you to write a long complicated explanation for why your chapter was unknown till now. At the end of the 40th millennium, the Defenders of Baal and the blood angel’s chapter attempted to conquer a besieged and part traitor agriworld. - 2 Chapters for a single planet? A single company wuuld be more than sufficient for such a task. Deploying even 1 entire chapter is the sort of thing the Imperium reserves for a major Ork Waagh, or a massive Crusade, You're proposing using a B52 bomber to flatten a molehill. Too much awesome sauce. The assault was supposed to begin when the entire first company and supporting headquarters staff was to teleport down onto the planet. - Ok, the entire supporting HQ staff? So they stick their entire fleet in harms way? Including the Master of the Forge, who's business is surely on the forgeship ensuring the front line troops have supplies? Or waking and preparing the dreadnoughts? Including the non-comabt capable marines doing administrative tasks? Including their only store of geneseed? I'd suggest removing this sentence, as it just leaps out and says all these guys are going to die (a bit like a war film where some guy says he's only got 2 weeks left this tour then he's out, or a Red Shirt in Star Trek). The first thing to go wrong is that one of there three battle bardges was damaged before the attack began and had to pull out and missed the assault. - Should be past tense "The first thing that went wrong...". Added to the fact that that kind of damage is a major event - Battle barges are designed to smash through just about anything in order to deliver their cargo of marines. A massive space battle, or similar, would be required to do that sort of thing, and I'd be surprised if that ship was the only 1 that took damage in such a situation. There are easier ways to ahve a single ship survive, like not have the entire chapter here anyway. Have them deployed in the next system, prosecuting another front of the war against the Chaos secessionists. than the next thing to go wrong was that the reclusiarch, a sanguinary priest, a librarian, and 2 five man terminator squads were not fit for the assault, and they and there equipment were to teleport down in the second wave. - So presumably these guys were transported to the Battle Barge that wasnt there? First Company veterans are always ready for a fight. If their armour was damaged, then they'd take to the field in Power Armour. If they themselves were too injured then they wouldnt have been due to deploy anyway. A Sang priest might be looking after them on a support vessel if they were that badly injured, maybe with a Chaplain for moral support as they have to miss out a grand deployment of the entire chapter). If you want these guys to survive, there are better ways to have them survive. Maybe again, these guys were with the other battle barge elsewhere. The last thing to go wrong was the worst and almost last thing that happened in there whole history. There two battle bardges were destroyed by a planetary laser. In one strike it sliced thought there two battle bardges and several support craft. - This does require that all these vessels were in a straight line, perfectly aligned from the laser site... The chances of this - very very poor. Let alone a Laser strong enough to damage a single Battle Barge with its shields up - and yes their shields would be up if they were attempting to close to the planet to deploy marines. Even strike cruisers would have sufficient shielding and armour to survive most things a planet might throw at them. Too much awesome sauce. It destroyed almost the entire first; second, third, forth, ninth and tenth companies in one shot. (Dont need this bit - sounds like you're ticking off a list) In addition to this, the destruction of these craft killed almost all of the headquarters staff. Only a handful remained. (only a handful of senior staff scattered around other vessels survived) The captain of the fifth company was promoted to chapter master. He decided to attack the defense laser so the remainder of the relief force could land on the planet without danger. can be ok, but will need some work He immediately attacked the planet directly with the remainder of the chapter taking the role of either an assault or tactical marine. - Why? you'd think devastators might be useful when attacking fortifications... Why do you want them to all be tac or assault? The entire chapter fought its way thought the bunker that housed the laser. On the thirteenth day, chapter master Cesar destroyed the power grid and ended the threat. - 13 days for a single bunker? in 13 days they ought to have taken the entire planet. Read page 16 of the codex - specifically the Stromark Civil War - where the Angels Encarmine (being less direct than they might have been) took an entire planet in several hours. Your captain is displayign less than adequate tactical abilty, and indulging in irresponsible behaviour and pointless revenge above his duty to the Emperor. Bolt-round to the head and out the nearest airlock I'm afraid. Marines are trained to win, not to satisfy a pointless wish for revenge. Only 300 battle brothers remained, this included the brothers needed for the crew of various vehicles. They donated 100 marines to the blood angels to rebuild there chapter. They are unable to recover due to the fact that every marine produces only one gene seed My favorite part of this is that the chapter is nearly destroyed and decides to no longer try to recover, since they have no ability to. Please comment and critique. All of which is possible, though you've not mentinoed or even hinted in this anywhere in your back story... I have changed the fluff that the assault on the planet took place 34999, and they are unknown to everyone because they are so few. there were enough to start a chapter with those that stayed behind on Baal and its moons, but not the full 1000, only about 300 to 500, and they built of that. i am referring to some occasion where the blood angels asked for assistance,depending on how you view the James Swallow books - the first and only time the Blood Angels chpater has ever asked such a thing is detailed there, or they never have. only to show that my chapter did not care about surviving anymore(there are far better ways to do that, without tieing yourself in knots). they would rather perish as a chapter in combat. officially they are a destroyed chapter then they are destroyed - they wouldnt be listed as destroyed unless they were destroyed. Even the Fire Angels were still on the active rosta for c.200 years after they went missing in a warp storm. they also can produce only one gene seed each.Why? even with the normal ability to make 2 sets of progenoids, its exceedingly unlikely that a chapter reduced to 300 marines would be able to survive - losses during implantation and non-retrieval on the battlefield will probably see to that they also have a flaw in addition to the thirst and rage, and that is that they have extreme difficulty asking for help from other souses outside there chapter. - That not a flaw, thats personality. They are uptight, inflexible and proud, but those are not flaws in the same way as the Rage and Thirst. the weapon in question was forged by khorne himself, supposedly, for that reason, to destroy the cowards in orbit. they have only two battle barges. one was lost during the assult, and the other was not taking part due to damages. the reson that the chapter was so much destroyed was that the chapter master had seen many exstrminatus, and hated doing it. Other comments are already made about the weapon forged by Khorne, so you know that needs work. The chapter being willing to suffer to prevent an exterminatus is a good idea. I like it. Hope some of that helps you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demoulius Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 how about an erupting warp storm and/or massive deamon invasion of their ships? if the planet was invaeded by chaos i could totally see something like that happening. also it could quite easily explain why all those ships were lost, aside from a single "giant laser" blasting them out of the sky in 1 full go ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captain Angel Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Thanks for all the replies and comments. I only had a small idea and everyone that posted really helped. the one thing that i wanted to have straight was that by the 41 milenium, they had 250 marines left, and that the entire chapter was nearly destroyed in one attack. the rest was just scratchy, but everyone that posted really helped expand this. Thanks to all. Iwill change ther history a little and repost with some Armour pics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captain Angel Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 here is the redone fluff. enjoy! :) The defenders of Baal were created entirely from the marines that remained on Baal to defend it and its moons. They were a space faring fleet after there creation. They are of the 13th founding. At the end of the 33rd millennium, the Defenders of Baal and the blood angel’s chapter attempted to conquer a captured hive world. The assault was supposed to begin when the entire first company and supporting headquarters staff was to teleport down onto the planet. The first thing to go wrong is that one of there two battle barges were damaged on the first part of the attack began and had to pull out and missed the main assault. Than the next thing to go wrong was that thirteen sets of terminator amour were in need of repair, and were returned to the damaged battle barge for maintenance. The last thing to go wrong was the worst and almost last thing that happened in there whole history. There second battle barge was destroyed when the teleported malfunctioned and blew up there warp drive and destroyed almost all of the strike cruisers in the process. It destroyed almost the entire first company and most of the remaining companies in one shot. In addition to this, the destruction of these craft killed almost all of the headquarters staff. Only a handful remained. The captain of the fifth company was promoted to chapter master. He decided to attack the primary hive so threat could be ended completely. He immediately attacked the planet directly with the remainder of the chapter taking the role of either an assault or tactical marine to be quick and agile in there assault. The entire chapter fought its way thought the city that housed the planetary governor. On the thirteenth day, chapter master Cesar killed the governor and ended the threat. Only 250 battle brothers remained, this included the brothers needed for the crew of various vehicles. They are unable to recover due to the fact that every marine only has one progenoid gland due to a flaw in there gene seed. here are some pictures of color scheme here is a normal marine here is a Sargent here is a veteran And here is a veteran Sargent the chapter symbol is a wight X, they use low gothic for squad designation, and the death company and sanguinary guard are normal colors. There mato is... leader:"We remember our fallen brethren!" Chorus: "And we shall have Revenge! And we shall know no fear!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whitefireinferno Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 As I said on Page one I would suggest you Post this in the LA forum since they are far better at helping this sort of thing but your Updated one Above I pretty much the Same as the first. The defenders of Baal were created entirely from the marines that remained on Baal to defend it and its moons. They were a space faring fleet after there creation. They are of the 13th founding. When were they defending Baal? If it was during the Siege of Terra then none are Likely to be alive for the 13th founding and if they "were" around they would either be BA or 2nd founding as the Legion was Broken up into them and then the 2nd founding are Pretty much Bound in cannon. At the end of the 33rd millennium, the Defenders of Baal and the blood angel’s chapter attempted to conquer a captured hive world. The assault was supposed to begin when the entire first company and supporting headquarters staff was to teleport down onto the planet. The first thing to go wrong is that one of there two battle barges were damaged on the first part of the attack began and had to pull out and missed the main assault. Than the next thing to go wrong was that thirteen sets of terminator amour were in need of repair, and were returned to the damaged battle barge for maintenance. The last thing to go wrong was the worst and almost last thing that happened in there whole history. Having 2 Chapters try and take some backwards Hive world just does not flow. And yet they still have far more Barges than they should without any explanation as to why they somehow have more than One. There second battle barge was destroyed when the teleported malfunctioned and blew up there warp drive and destroyed almost all of the strike cruisers in the process. It destroyed almost the entire first company and most of the remaining companies in one shot. In addition to this, the destruction of these craft killed almost all of the headquarters staff. Only a handful remained. The captain of the fifth company was promoted to chapter master. I do not see how the Explosion of the Barge was enough to destroy all the Strike Cruisers Unless they were rubbing Hulls to start with they have Void shields that would take a huge amount of Damage but the ships would still be functional. Also Since when does a Captain have the right to declear himself the New Chapter Master? Oh and a teleporter screw up would possibly need to teleport like halve the Main reactor to go that level of Kaboom. He decided to attack the primary hive so threat could be ended completely. He immediately attacked the planet directly with the remainder of the chapter taking the role of either an assault or tactical marine to be quick and agile in there assault. The entire chapter fought its way thought the city that housed the planetary governor. On the thirteenth day, chapter master Cesar killed the governor and ended the threat. So what happened to chaos? seems like your chapter decided to go ruin some Hive worlds :) for no real reason. Also 13 days for More than a company to take down a Hive world... a company could screw up a hole world in less than a week Only 250 battle brothers remained, this included the brothers needed for the crew of various vehicles. They are unable to recover due to the fact that every marine only has one progenoid gland due to a flaw in there gene seed. With that sort of Flaw you just couldn't have become a chapter in the First Place and then since your Genestock would be of your Parent chapter and they have two working progenoid glands Having one means that you can only ever have the Seeds of marines you have that died also boys of Mars will be all up in your :cuss for not sending Tithes. These are just some of the things that jump out at me for not having enough explained and such Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blood Angel Scout Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Instead of creating them as a founding chapter, could it not be that the defenders of baal origins stem from an assembly of marines across all of the successor armies, who have been affected by the black rage while going through the Sanguination but instead of recieving visions of Sanguinius's end, suffer from visions from his childhood/pre-emp days when his angelic rage was first developing/seeded by the need to protect the Blood tribe. Could also be a reason to involve the fabled Tower of Amereo as where they reside. This way, you can incorporate the dying aspect due to the increasing influence of the black rage/red thirst across all BA related chapters has reduced the number of marines that have this reaction when in the sarcophagus hence the fall in number toward the end of M40 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captain Angel Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 here is a new back story with some more changes. The defenders of Baal were a space faring fleet after there creation. They are of the 13th founding. They were given two battle barges due to there strong relations with the techpriests of mars. At the end of the 33rd millennium, the Defenders of Baal chapter attempted to conquer a captured hive world. It was under the control of the word bearers legion, and they had been charged with getting this world back. The assault was supposed to begin when the entire first company and supporting headquarters staff was to teleport down onto the planet. The first thing to go wrong is that one of there two battle barges were damaged on the first part of the attack began and had to pull out and missed the main assault. Than the next thing to go wrong was that thirteen sets of terminator amour were in need of repair, and were returned to the damaged battle barge for maintenance. The last thing to go wrong was the worst and almost last thing that happened in there whole history. There second battle barge was destroyed when the teleported malfunctioned and blew up there warp drive. Several strike cruisers were count in the explosion and destroyed. It destroyed almost the entire first company and most of the remaining companies in one shot. In addition to this, the destruction of these craft killed almost all of the headquarters staff. Only a handful remained. The captain of the fifth company was promoted to chapter master by consensus of the remaining headquarters staff. He decided to attack the primary hive so threat could be ended completely. He immediately attacked the planet directly with the remainder of the chapter taking the role of either an assault or tactical marine to be quick and agile in there assault. The entire chapter fought its way thought the city that housed the Leader of the Word bearers on this planet. Fierce fighting took place, at which most of the chapter was killed. On the thirteenth day, chapter master Cesar killed the leader and ended the threat. Only 250 battle brothers remained, this included the brothers needed for the crew of various vehicles. They returned most of there strike cruisers to the techpriests of mars. They are unable to recover there loses due to the higher combat attrition in following actions and the high amount of victims to the black rage. hope i covered everything. i will send this to liber once everyone here has there questions satisfied (or if someone could forward it). Thanks again for all the input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gv0zD Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Why do you call the Command "supporting headquarters staff"? When I read word "supporting" I imagine servitors, pilots, serfs.... Why not call them "Field Command" or "Battle Command" or at least "Command Squads"? ThEn the next thing to go wrong was that thirteen sets of terminator amour were in need of repair, and were returned to the damaged battle barge for maintenance So they have prepared for an assault, devised the battle-plan, started the teleporter, and then some serf shouted: "Hey! The Terminator suits are damaged! :P!" If they were already damaged and were being repaired, then there was no surprise, and no "thing to go wrong" would happen -- it would be the input data for the Command devising battle-plan and would be already accounted for. You wrote that the 1st Co was about to teleport on the surface, when the teleporter malfunctioned. Then you write that the exploded barge took lives of he 1st Co and others. Why not say that the "teleporter's malfunction that turned the whole 1st Co into ashes, sent a devastating shockwave that shaken the warp engine's circuits and initiated its meltdown"? The meaning is preserved, but the form is improved, isn't it? Just a thought to consider. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
captain Angel Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 You have some very good imput. Thank you for it. I will change my fluff accordingly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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