Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 What if I pledge to read it*, but not right now? *On the basis that this doesn't get a total rewrite - like my last such pledge. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/220732-ia-scions-of-the-infinite/page/2/#findComment-2648132 Share on other sites More sharing options...
BloodWulf Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 did I read correctly that this Chapter has enough Librarians of the various ranks to filed one Librarian per squad? That might take a bit more explaining. I mean, that comes out to more than 100 in the Chapter. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/220732-ia-scions-of-the-infinite/page/2/#findComment-2648369 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 CJJ, yes i could use ur input, ur always helpful! bloodwulf, you misunderstood. i said they usually attach several librarians per company, more then usual and that when there are single squad missions, a librarian is always attached to them. like if there is a battle on a world and a company or close to company strength is sent, there will be at least 4-6, 5-7 librarians attached to said company. say a single squad is sent off to deal with something, a librarian will be attached to them, but he will not be leading them like a sergeant would. so say just for example to make it easier, a typical codex chapter has 1-3 librarians per company, the scions would have anywhere from 4-7. so it comes to on average about 1 librarian per 15-25 astartes rather then 1 librarian per 25-50 Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/220732-ia-scions-of-the-infinite/page/2/#findComment-2648485 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 bump for C & C Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/220732-ia-scions-of-the-infinite/page/2/#findComment-2652610 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 *hefts Fools Bane* Let us begin. It was this device that an astartes would be a digital engram of his living self, once his physical body had passed on. Here, the brothers of the past eternally sing hymn and praise of the All Machine, or what others may call the Omnissiah. - You know it's not, I know it's not.. But this has tendancies towards AI, something the Imperium frowns upon. Paragraph three of "The Omnitepha" is basically a parody of some Christian beliefs; intentional? After 10,000 years had passed, a new age would begin. The Emperor would rise from his Golden Throne, and call upon his sons. The missing would return, the dead would rise again, and the traitorous would come to meet their end. Upon the defeat of the fallen sons, the primarchs both loyal and traitor, would return to the spirit of their father, and all would merge in a glorious spiritual union. This union would burn the skies in an effulgent white that would stretch across the entire universe. From this burst of light, the Omnitep would emerge. This being would carry the strength and will of humanity within itself. The Omnitep would destroy the gods of Chaos and the unholy Eye of Terror. With their end would come a new age of man. Here, the Great Crusades would begin anew, and their direction would be to the Imperial fringes in all directions, conquering the diabolical xenos races once and for all. - Maybe I'm oversensitive, but this feels a bit jarring to me when considered with everything that preceeds it - it doesn't feel like the idea fits in with everything else so far. ...a gift given by the Omnitep, his psychic aura... - A psychic machine? Or did I misunderstand? ...to those astartes they could trust outside their own kin - A bit jarring; all Astartes are kin and recognise that kinship except for very specific examples. It was a time of great suffering, immense fear and little hope. It was a time to instill hope and honor... - "Hope"... "Hope".. is a bit jarring. They had strained relations with the Iron Hands and were known to be a very secretive chapter. They were however, noted for their loyalty towards the Imperium, and their protection of forgeworlds throughout the sector and the Ultima Segmentum. Their name was quickly spreading amongst the Imperial worlds of the Ultima Segmentum and the High Lords felt such loyalties could be used throughout other vital areas of the Imperium. - Not alot of that ties in successfully with the idea of being "secretive". ...training cadre of his astartes to train up a new chapter... - "Train up" is very informal. ...a priori of the Omnitepha.. - A what now? ...unsure as to why they were sent so far from their home. - Really? You believe they'd care more than carrying out their duty? ..even Amandon could see the images depicted the Emperor of Mankind, even in images, Amandon was always amazed at how he was depicted, and how his effulgence always shown like the stars. - Read that out loud. To be honest, I'm not a fan of seeking and hiding knowledge.. It is at the heart of the Astartes to serve, despite their Emperor-given mandate of independance fromgeneral Imperial authority. I can't see them keeping knowledge or tech from the AdMech because that orgnaisation also has an Emperor-given mandate for technology *shrug* Also, there are some general capitalization issues like "Astartes" and the like. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/220732-ia-scions-of-the-infinite/page/2/#findComment-2652920 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 1. to a degree its a form of AI, hence why its kept underwraps. the COE are in the liber so the idea was "approved" by the High Lords of the B & C. so that is why i mentioned it, i figured the scion IA needed some background info. if you notice i tend to be really into religious studies (it was my major) and so i always like to throw things in there. every DIY chapter i do tends to see the EMperor as a form of divinity. so the scions have that very gnostic twist to them. 2. how would u think i can word it to mix it better, or do u think i should scrap it completely from the belief? too much info? i added it because i felt with their knowledge lean it would be important 3. "...a gift given by the Omnitep, his psychic aura..." what i meant not a machine but an awakening of humanity. not that everyone would now be a psyker genetically speaking, its more of the typical spiritual metaphor that religions tend to discuss in matters of rebirths, new ages, new dawns, etc. obviously the belief the EMperor created everything since he is the Machine God, and mankind being the perfect model of creation (aka the epitome of the STC's), they are connected to him to a degree, a sense of spiritual kinship connection to their "father." or should i say "grandfather" since there from primarchs 4."They had strained relations with the Iron Hands and were known to be a very secretive chapter. They were however, noted for their loyalty towards the Imperium, and their protection of forgeworlds throughout the sector and the Ultima Segmentum. Their name was quickly spreading amongst the Imperial worlds of the Ultima Segmentum and the High Lords felt such loyalties could be used throughout other vital areas of the Imperium." how would u suggest it be worded to make it make more sense about the COE being recluses of a sort? 5. priori, just my fancy word for "member", you think i should jsut say that instead? 6. "...unsure as to why they were sent so far from their home."- Really? You believe they'd care more than carrying out their duty? true.... 7. wow, yeah i dont know where i was mentally writing that. LOL To be honest, I'm not a fan of seeking and hiding knowledge.. It is at the heart of the Astartes to serve, despite their Emperor-given mandate of independance fromgeneral Imperial authority. I can't see them keeping knowledge or tech from the AdMech because that orgnaisation also has an Emperor-given mandate for technology *shrug* you misunderstand. the Scions share EVERYTHING with the AdMech. The Scions of the Infinite, the Children of Eternity (and the other 2 mentioned in the IA) are loyal to the Ad Mech. They consider the Ad Mech basically the true inheritors of the Emperor's Divine Will and Command. Obviously the Imperium is the Imperium, and it was the EMperor's dream to see it rise and expand, but they feel no stong allegience to the High Lords. They save face, talk nice, but inside their loyals are the Emperor and his Imperium not THEIR imperium, and their faith falls alongside the Ad Mech. Any knowledge these astartes under the Pax Ferrus Eternus discover, they share amongst themselves AND the Ad Mech. I guess i didnt make that clear. Nothing is kept hidden from their martian brothers in faith. THey feel more understood by the AD Mech then other astartes, because of their bond of faith in the Machine God. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/220732-ia-scions-of-the-infinite/page/2/#findComment-2653104 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 2. how would u think i can word it to mix it better, or do u think i should scrap it completely from the belief? too much info? i added it because i felt with their knowledge lean it would be important - It could just be me, I'm not the Universal Truth.. But if you really want to, trying writing it out again in one or two different ways. 4."They had strained relations with the Iron Hands and were known to be a very secretive chapter. They were however, noted for their loyalty towards the Imperium, and their protection of forgeworlds throughout the sector and the Ultima Segmentum. Their name was quickly spreading amongst the Imperial worlds of the Ultima Segmentum and the High Lords felt such loyalties could be used throughout other vital areas of the Imperium." how would u suggest it be worded to make it make more sense about the COE being recluses of a sort? Secretive is different to recluse, so sorting out terminology is the first step. 5. priori, just my fancy word for "member", you think i should jsut say that instead? The above highlights my point perfectly, but alot of your answers have been "No, I mean.." If that becomes the case you have "failed" somewhere to get the point across; remember your readers are not psychic or otherwise in your head - you need to tell me details for me to know. To be honest, I can guess what a "Priori" is.. But you might have meant it as a senior rank or as a leader, et cetera. I don't dislike the content, it's just something that doesn't particularly tickle my fancy, but all it needs - at the moment - is a bit of polish. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/220732-ia-scions-of-the-infinite/page/2/#findComment-2653121 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 CJJ, thanks again for the input. yeah i guess i was trying to be secretive myself. with an IA, there is a fine line between too much ambiguity and too much detail, its hard to capture, especially when discussing a chapter that is supposed to be a bit "odd." i worked on my Children of Eternity for I think 6-8 months. the ideas for them were clicking, since them i have had mindblock after mindblock. i guess im a one hit (one chapter) wonder! <_< i was trying to use the COE as the medium, making the scions the far extreme with gnostic outlook and reclusiveness and the sons of idaeon another oppsite that are more iron hand then they are COE. (im going to base them off some orthodox belief, so there gonna have russian and ukrainian styled names :) ) it seems my use of wording and terminology is causing most of the problems. im going to spend some time thinking on this. i think ill give my students a pop quiz while i flesh this IA out *shrieking tzeench pleasure cackle* Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/220732-ia-scions-of-the-infinite/page/2/#findComment-2653992 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 CJJ, i fixed what you said needed to be fixed, i removed the third paragraph of omnitepha completely. i was thinking, isnt this a bit long for an IA, and does it seem too story telling to you rather then an IA? if so I am having difficulty writing it less story sounding Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/220732-ia-scions-of-the-infinite/page/2/#findComment-2657567 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 it seems the Scions are not a very popular idea? Based on my Children of Eternity, have I basically taken the pursuit of knowledge with the Children of Eternity to its furthest extent and the Scions are just a wasted effort? Comments? Basically I want to make 2-3 successors from my COE. I wanted to use the COE belief as a foundation and have one take it to the extreme and another far less moderate. the Scions of the Infinite basically taking the COE pursuit and preservation of knowledge to the far extreme. (there belief being akin to real life Christian Gnosticism and mesopotamian belief) the Sons of Idaeon being more tempered and more in line with perhaps Iron Hand ideology, but taken that to an extreme in its own right (akin to Eastern Orthodox belief and culture with some other things thrown in) the third group i wish to call The Disciples of the Ethereal Veil. I havent decided if they will be an outright third successor or perhaps a deathwatch of sorts amongst the COE, Scions and Sons of Idaeon and perhaps other IH chapters. again, thoughts especially ones that are contemplative and provoking are heavily encouraged. I feel I have hit a bit of a dead end and looking to see what people think I should do. scrap the idea entirely, revise the idea, or scrap and start a new Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/220732-ia-scions-of-the-infinite/page/2/#findComment-2674476 Share on other sites More sharing options...
XKhalilX Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 bump for discussion Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/220732-ia-scions-of-the-infinite/page/2/#findComment-2676371 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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