IA: Sky Sentinels

[Shinzaren]

I lied. I gave it a quick read before I jaunted off. One thing that struck me is that it has been pared down nicely, which is good. I also think you should look at some of the points I brought up besides general awesomeness. Lots of your tactics, gear, equipment and such is described in detail when it is pretty much the standard for Astartes. A full work-up would see me posting a lot of the same things I already said, and raising some of the same questions. Not that you need to change anything, I would just personally like more explanation on some areas because I want to know more about the Sky Sentinels and why do some of the things they do. Again, nothing mandatory, I would just be re-raising the same questions for you to answer or ignore at your leisure. :rolleyes:

[Marshal Renatus]

So, another round of revisions. I think much of the wordiness and excessive awesomeness has been removed. Love to get more C&C as you all get the chance. Greatly appreciate the help thus far.

 

@Shinzaren: Busted. It was 2 AM when I was responding to some of the critiquing, and some of it started to run together in my mind. I have gone back and paid more focus to those areas you mentioned. Thanks again!

[Marshal Renatus]

A quick bump. I'm out of town for a few days, so I'll check the C&C haul when I get back. Thanks again for reading, and thanks even more if you posted.

[NightrawenII]

Okey, you have the bad habit of drowning the reader in huge amount of informations. So every time you see "Blah blah blah." comment it means "unnecessary, cut it out.".

 

Born in the age of turmoil between the Scouring and the Age of Apostasy, the Sky Sentinels have been a stalwart presence in Segmentum Tempestus.

- Hmmm, for some strange reason this age of turmoil was called Golden Age of Imperium. :P

 

Origins

Founded in the 33rd Millenium as part of the Ninth Founding, the Sky Sentinels were envisioned as a continued effort by the Imperium to eradicate any lingering traces of the 3rd Black Crusade.

~

In addition to expunging the taint of traitor forces, the Sky Sentinels were sworn to reverse the in-roads made by the degenerate Orks during the upheaval of the 3rd Black Crusade. Once contained, the Chapter was to monitor the Ork-held planets of V’Run and Jurn.

~

Ordered to begin operations immediately after being declared fit, the Sky Sentinels found themselves posted to the Perun Sector of Segmentum Tempestus, where they were assigned the homeworld of Pranagar.

- Errrm, do you realize the Tempestus is on the other side of Imperium than the Eye of Terror? So mopping up the remnants of Black Crusade is out of question.

 

Recognizing the expansive nature of this mission, the Chapter was equipped and trained for mobility and responsiveness beyond that of a standard Astartes force.

- I disagree, your reason is boiling the water here, because we don't know the limitations of the Astartes Modus Operandi.

 

This, in and of itself, is unique, as tradition dictates that a Chapter secure its own homeworld through conquest and approval of the High Lords of Terra.

- Once again, boiling the water. There is no rule how the Astartes get their homeworlds.

 

Right now, you have two unique quirks for no apparent reason. Vehicles part is also absolutely worthless, because it doesn't serve any purpose at all. Chenkhov gun my friend, Chenkhov gun.

 

Beyond its strategic location to the Ork empires of V’Run and Jurn, Pranagar was home to one of the Astropathic Choirs of the Adeptus Astronomicon.

- And there the previous statement falls flat. You have this super-mobile fleet-based Chapter and yet you are restricted to defence of one planet.

- 2nd, if the Imperium wants defend one place it sends (millions) Imperial Guardsmen. (Do you see the GUARD in their name?) Astartes defend huge areas of space, because they are rapid strike force.

 

Used to boost the signal of the Emperor’s Astronomicon on Holy Terra into the vastness of the Imperium, the Choirs are some of the most critical and vital resources known to the mankind, for without them the signal of the Astronomicon would fade in the reaches of the Imperium and warp travel would become unpredictable, if not impossible.

~

And the rest of Origins section.

- Blah, blah, blah.

- The sidebar of Notable Battle Honours is the way to go.

 

A Time of Mourning and Revenge

The loss of so many veteran leaders, experienced Battle-Brothers, and precious wargear has been difficult to overcome.

- They just lost the 3rd and 7th Company + Chapter Master. It surely is blow to the Chapter, but no reason to whine in another paragraph.

- 2nd, the Codex ex Machina part makes this whole episode worthless.

 

Homeworld

- After very careful and thoroughful evaluation: Blah, blah, blah.

- How is this relevant to your Chapter? Yes, others told you to shorten the write-up. But condensing informations and no informantions are two different things.

 

Beliefs

... and are determined to carry the wisdom of the Emperor and Guilliman into every corner of the Imperium.

- Hmm and I thought that they are stuck in one area because of these dastardly Orks?

 

In rare instances this training has even transpired between younger Astartes chapters, the Sentinels seeing it as their duty to educate less-established chapters on the true meaning and implementation of the Codex. These well-meant attempts at educating and enlightening fellow Imperial servants have not always been received hospitably, and have caused strained relations with the Sky Sentinels allies on more than one occasion, indeed several less-enlightened chapters have excoriated the Sentinels for this practice.

- This wording is too much subjective for my tastes.

 

Dealings Within the Imperium

The Sky Sentinels have gone out of their way to ensure this by carefully directing the timely remittance of planetary and geneseed tithes, and ensuring the strictest quality with the latter.

- The planetary tithe for Astartes homeworld is aptus non, ie. zero.

 

the Chapter’s relationship with the Adeptus Mechanicus has been strained since the dark days and fell deeds of the Occlusiad.

- Out of nowhere and:

It is only through the manufactorum of Pranagar that the Chapter is able to supplement the trickle of resupply it receives from the Adeptus Mechanicus.

- Apparently no drawback at all.

 

Organization

The Chapter is still woefully under-equipped with armored resources such as Land Raider and Predator tank variants, and only through the manufactorum of Pranagar are they able to fill these gaps with lighter and less well armed vehicles like Rhino and Razorback transports.

- Hello, we are Sky Sentinels Chapter founded 7,000 years ago and based on the planet which is, according to us, model of Guillimanic efficiency. And we are (still) woe-fully under-equipped. B)

 

Traditionally the unassigned Battle Company is responsible for garrisoning Fell Talon Keep while refitting and preparing for their next rotation on patrol.

- This is job of Reserve Companies (or Companies of Rear).

 

This has, in instances, reduced the garrison to no more than thirty to forty marines, barely enough to man all of the required defensive positions.

- No, the Chapter has huge amount of serfs for doing such tasks.

 

To ensure this, the Chapter relies heavily on the advanced communications sensoria installed on their fleet vessels.

- Except, you need a Astropaths for inter-stellar communication.

 

Geneseed

Unlike other Chapters, there are no great games, no feats of strength or survival that mark selection as an aspirant. The Sky Sentinels require only that an aspirant arrive at the transport that will deliver them to Fell Talon Keep before the appointed departure time. What transpires between the gates of their Walled City and the ramp of the transport is between them and the Emperor. Less than half the aspirants make the arrival. Many are consumed by the avian predators that inhabit Pranagar, many others simply submit to the blistering cold and inhospitable terrain, and still more arrive too late, hindered by their own weakness or the very planet itself.

- It's just me or the rest of this paragraph contradicts the first sentence?

[Marshal Renatus]

I'm only responding to a few of these, because, by and large, they weren't very helpful. Saying "these guys are boring and suck" versus providing some potential solutions to issues you see gets me nowhere. If I thought it sucked, I wouldn't have written it. Also, just because you don't like/agree with concepts in the chapter doesn't mean they can't be valid.

 

Born in the age of turmoil between the Scouring and the Age of Apostasy, the Sky Sentinels have been a stalwart presence in Segmentum Tempestus.

- Hmmm, for some strange reason this age of turmoil was called Golden Age of Imperium.

Golden Age or no...pretty sure there was still plenty of turmoil. It's not like 6 or 7 Demon Prince Primarchs and the xenos said, "You know, we'll take a few millenia off."

 

- Errrm, do you realize the Tempestus is on the other side of Imperium than the Eye of Terror? So mopping up the remnants of Black Crusade is out of question.

True, but there are plenty of examples where Black Crusades have exceeded the borders of Segmentum Obscurus. The destruction of El'Phanor comes to mind as a quick one. Besides, when the traitors come out, other forces have to commit to stop them that normally wouldn't. Ergo, areas of space don't have the protection they normally would, which means some smaller elements could slip through. Or maybe the bad guys in those areas just ramped it up when Abbadon & Co. sallied forth.

 

Recognizing the expansive nature of this mission, the Chapter was equipped and trained for mobility and responsiveness beyond that of a standard Astartes force.

- I disagree, your reason is boiling the water here, because we don't know the limitations of the Astartes Modus Operandi.

 

This, in and of itself, is unique, as tradition dictates that a Chapter secure its own homeworld through conquest and approval of the High Lords of Terra.

- Once again, boiling the water. There is no rule how the Astartes get their homeworlds.

 

Right now, you have two unique quirks for no apparent reason. Vehicles part is also absolutely worthless, because it doesn't serve any purpose at all. Chenkhov gun my friend, Chenkhov gun.

- You're claiming I can't do something because we don't know something. The very absence of knowledge allows me to take creative license and fill in the blanks.

- Correct. There is no rule. But if you look through WH40K history...most chapters took their homeworld by conquest. Thus I said "tradition" and not "Page 7,342, paragraph 34, line 3 of the Codex clearly states..." (Even if my Chapter would have B) )

- Don't get the reference. My nerdocity goes only so far. And I disagree, I think the reasons are pretty well introduced.

 

Beyond its strategic location to the Ork empires of V’Run and Jurn, Pranagar was home to one of the Astropathic Choirs of the Adeptus Astronomicon.

- And there the previous statement falls flat. You have this super-mobile fleet-based Chapter and yet you are restricted to defence of one planet.

- 2nd, if the Imperium wants defend one place it sends (millions) Imperial Guardsmen. (Do you see the GUARD in their name?) Astartes defend huge areas of space, because they are rapid strike force.

- They are tied to their homeworld. The fact that the astral choir is there is simply the reason it ended up as their planet. And yes, tactically speaking they could still patrol space and have a homeworld, much like the Novamarines but substantially less space than that chapter covers.

- Maybe. Maybe the Adeptus Astronomicon wanted Astartes? Maybe IG couldn't hack it at the altitude they were at. Maybe a fiscally conservative member of the Adeptus Administratum decided it was more cost effective to use space marines?

 

The Chapter is still woefully under-equipped with armored resources such as Land Raider and Predator tank variants, and only through the manufactorum of Pranagar are they able to fill these gaps with lighter and less well armed vehicles like Rhino and Razorback transports.

- Hello, we are Sky Sentinels Chapter founded 7,000 years ago and based on the planet which is, according to us, model of Guillimanic efficiency. And we are (still) woe-fully under-equipped.

- Yup. I said Guillimanic efficiency, not Forgeworld. That efficiency covers a lot more than just weapons production.

 

The Sky Sentinels have gone out of their way to ensure this by carefully directing the timely remittance of planetary and geneseed tithes, and ensuring the strictest quality with the latter.

- The planetary tithe for Astartes homeworld is aptus non, ie. zero.

- Good catch. I'll adjust that in the rewrite.

 

Traditionally the unassigned Battle Company is responsible for garrisoning Fell Talon Keep while refitting and preparing for their next rotation on patrol.

- This is job of Reserve Companies (or Companies of Rear).

 

This has, in instances, reduced the garrison to no more than thirty to forty marines, barely enough to man all of the required defensive positions.

- No, the Chapter has huge amount of serfs for doing such tasks.

 

To ensure this, the Chapter relies heavily on the advanced communications sensoria installed on their fleet vessels.

- Except, you need a Astropaths for inter-stellar communication.

- It could be. It's not for the Sky Sentinels.

- And with those serfs are Astartes whose presence is part of the defensive plan for the keep.

- Indeed. But wouldn't it be cool if there was advanced wargear that made astropathic communications go further, faster, and more clearly than normal? Especially if your chapter is scattered all over? Oh wait...

 

 

Normally I like your critiquing so don't take this as a complete rebuttal, but this shouldn't be about what you like. It should be about what's believable in the WH40K universe.

[Dosjetka]

Traditionally the unassigned Battle Company is responsible for garrisoning Fell Talon Keep while refitting and preparing for their next rotation on patrol.

- This is job of Reserve Companies (or Companies of Rear).

- It could be. It's not for the Sky Sentinels.

But, to me at least, the whole point of Battle Companies is that they are the ones who are constantly battling, the Reserve Companies staying behind or fighting when no other Battle Company is available. And if a Battle Company suffers losses, they will get 'new' Astartes from the Resrves.

 

Just my two pence.

 

Ludovic

[Aegnor]

Just had a quick trawl of this - as I believe a couple of others may have pointed out, you've provided us with plenty to read! I find I'm much the same, in that my first draft will be long and, on sober inspection, contain plenty of scope to be cut down.

 

I'll have a more detailed read and comment when I've got a minute, but one minor thing that I noticed is that you say your chapter was provided with a stack of Razorbacks when they were founded prior to the Age of Apostasy. The Razorback is only meant to have been a relatively recent addition to the Astartes armoury, with the STC found sometime in the last couple of thousand years, so you might need to amend this.

[NightrawenII]

Golden Age or no...pretty sure there was still plenty of turmoil. It's not like 6 or 7 Demon Prince Primarchs and the xenos said, "You know, we'll take a few millenia off."

Some turmoil was there, true, but it was not age of turmoil. Read the description in BRB.

 

True, but there are plenty of examples where Black Crusades have exceeded the borders of Segmentum Obscurus. The destruction of El'Phanor comes to mind as a quick one. Besides, when the traitors come out, other forces have to commit to stop them that normally wouldn't. Ergo, areas of space don't have the protection they normally would, which means some smaller elements could slip through. Or maybe the bad guys in those areas just ramped it up when Abbadon & Co. sallied forth.

It doesn't change the fact that the Chapter has to be deployed in entirely different Segmentum and therefore far away from their base. It is not time and effort efficient.

 

- You're claiming I can't do something because we don't know something. The very absence of knowledge allows me to take creative license and fill in the blanks.

You are using your artistic license for "Look, my guys are different and awesome!" = bad example of artistic license.

 

- Correct. There is no rule. But if you look through WH40K history...most chapters took their homeworld by conquest. Thus I said "tradition" and not "Page 7,342, paragraph 34, line 3 of the Codex clearly states..." (Even if my Chapter would have :P )

Then the wording is off. No "tradition dictates" and plenty of Chapters got their homeworld right after the Founding. Flame Falcons and Astartes Praeses for example.

 

- Don't get the reference. My nerdocity goes only so far. And I disagree, I think the reasons are pretty well introduced.

It's common idiom in literature. Chekhov's gun (Sorry for the typo :( .).

The explantion is not important, the outcome is.

 

- They are tied to their homeworld. The fact that the astral choir is there is simply the reason it ended up as their planet. And yes, tactically speaking they could still patrol space and have a homeworld, much like the Novamarines but substantially less space than that chapter covers.

- Maybe. Maybe the Adeptus Astronomicon wanted Astartes? Maybe IG couldn't hack it at the altitude they were at. Maybe a fiscally conservative member of the Adeptus Administratum decided it was more cost effective to use space marines?

Adeptus Astartes do NOT sit on their arses and defend the unmoving objects. That's the job of Imperial Guard.

The tactic of Astartes doesn't revolve around sitting on the arse and defending unmoving objects. That's the tactic of Imperial Guard.

 

By default, the Space Marines are bad choice just for defending single place, especially the Chapter with this awesomely mobile fleet and made for awesome fast response.

 

- Yup. I said Guillimanic efficiency, not Forgeworld. That efficiency covers a lot more than just weapons production.

After 7,000 years? This enough time for like 60 Industrial Revolutions.

 

- It could be. It's not for the Sky Sentinels.

A fanatical follower of Codex dictates not following the codex dictates? :P

 

Indeed. But wouldn't it be cool if there was advanced wargear that made astropathic communications go further, faster, and more clearly than normal? Especially if your chapter is scattered all over? Oh wait...

MISS...

 

Normally I like your critiquing so don't take this as a complete rebuttal, but this shouldn't be about what you like. It should be about what's believable in the WH40K universe.

What is believable or plausible in W40k is entirely subjective, because the universe is powered by the Rule of Cool and Made of Win. However some of my comments or criticism are not aimed at your grasp of the lore, but at the reason behind the statements and your method of writing. The ultra-awesome fleet, homeworld because of the Astropatic Choir and lack of vehicles are examples of this.

[Aegnor]

Alright, read it all more carefully now. Start of by saying I got the sense from this of your guys and found that I really liked them. That's the primary mission of an IA, so well done. But, jeez, it was hard work getting there.

 

First and biggest observation - it's too long, and too wordy. Sorry to sound harsh - I'm very much guilty of the same thing myself when I write, but it's really the case here. The good news is there's lots of interesting stuff, and some very solid ideas here. Remember the IA is a brief article on your guys with the key parts the reader needs to know - if you have more detailed versions, that's all to the good, but the initial introduction of your chapter to its audience needs to be punchy enough to sustain their interest.

 

I checked and your wordcount is at about 4500. I reckon you need to aim to get this down to 3000. Some of this you can get by making your language a bit more straightforward. I recognise you're going for a tone and flavor in your writing, but for an article this long, it becomes a bit difficult to read. Just pull it back a bit, and re-read it with a ruthless eye for anywhere you're repeating yourself or taking 3 sentences to elaborate on something you could say in 1 or 2.

 

That said, you ain't going to get this puppy to a healthy weight by refining your wording - you need to cut stuff. Fortunately, I think there are a few bits that drag and add little from the point of view of an IA reader that you can readily remove without harming the article. It's good to have this level of detail worked out in your head, but not all of it needs to go in. The bits I'm thinking of specifically are the "Relationship with the Imperium" section, which takes about 12 lines to say that they have the normal relationship a codex chapter has with the other bodies of the Imperium - great, why am I reading about it then, and the bits about the Dark Hunters. From the detail there, I'm assuming they're another one of your armies, or a friend's army. If you want to include a drop-of-the-hat to them, by all means please do, but make it just that, a wink and then move on, ie. "Over many years they have forged a particularly close bond with their cousinly chapter the Dark Hunters, confronting and prevailing over xenos menaces and the traitor Punishers together", and move on. That bit is definitely something that is more interesting to you than it is to us.

 

A couple of the quirks of your chapter don't make a lot of sense to me. Why don't they just use astropaths? I realise the hyper-communication network seems to be one of your key points of this chapter, but at the moment, it doesn't come across as a particularly compelling aspect of them. In comparison, the stuff about their doctrine and mission, their dour character, the salvaged copy of the Codex (love that bit by the way), and their maniacal adherence to the Codex are all really strong, interesting elements.

 

The dislike of the Mechanicus thing hurts this I reckon. A mistrust/hesitancy is fine, but actively disliking them to the point of damaging your supply of gear doesn't make a lot of sense, especially for a chapter so sold on the virtues contained in the Codex Astartes. There seems to be a tension between two directions you want to take this - first, that they've got cool special gear, and second, that they're limping along with home-patched up gear, including no proper tanks. The two don't really go that well together, as presented here.

 

On a similar note, if they are so adamantly adherent to the Codex Astartes, I assume they also follow the Codex's dictates for company/squad markings etc, and do use whatever heraldry the Codex sets out. The illustration of your marine at the top doesn't follow that, which is a detail thing to look at for the next draft.

The world being an Astropathic Choir centre as well, is a bit meh IMO. Your guys are interesting enough without it, and it seems to be something that is proving difficult to integrate fully. Reading through the thread, I worry that it might turn into a millstone around the neck of a pretty cool DIY chapter.

 

 

All just my opinion of course.

[Marshal Renatus]

Okey-dokey. After taking my medicine like a good boy (thanks to all for the repeated bowling balls to the head), I have chopped another 1,000 or so words. I've also removed much of the MISS, Mary Sue, and other tomfoolery. As always, C&C welcome.

 

Even from NightrawenII. And even when he, correctly, obliterates something really cool but entirely unnecessary.

[Aegnor]

Reads much better for the changes. I reckon this is coming together very well.

[Marshal Renatus]

Alrighty. A few tweaks to wording, grammar, and coding.

 

Anyone know anyone good on Photoshop that would be interested in "improving" the image of the Chapter color scheme? I have no skill in this area. Any assistance would be greatly appreciated.

 

As always, C&C much welcome.

[Heru]

Alrighty. A few tweaks to wording, grammar, and coding.

 

Anyone know anyone good on Photoshop that would be interested in "improving" the image of the Chapter color scheme? I have no skill in this area. Any assistance would be greatly appreciated.

 

As always, C&C much welcome.

Depends on what you are wanting done.

 

= My portfolio =

[Marshal Renatus]

Heru: I would really appreciate it if you could lend me your talents.

 

Nothing major (I think):

 

1. The tactical marine symbol on the right shoulder in white, with a black roman numeral inside the arrow (1-6, your choice based on whatever is easier).

2. Left shoulder is the chapter symbol. If you have C:SM, it's on page 30, near the bottom,slightly to the right of center page. If not, it's a skull center of the shoulder pad with a white sword running through the skull, sword tip down. The sword is fairly thin in relation to the skull, almost like it's a dagger.

3. If you want to add any iconography, please feel free! Codex only though, or the rest of the Chapter will shoot Brother Thunderbunny as a deviant.

 

Either way, thanks for the offer.

[Marshal Renatus]

I'm not getting anymore hate-mail, so what's the consensus? Ready for a librarium submission? Yea or nea?

[Heru]

Here you go, your image as ordered.

Presenting Brother Thunderbunny of the Sky Sentinels:

Also you can't submit anything to the Librarium just now, as the Librarium isn't accepting submissions again until the forums move to the new software.

[Marshal Renatus]

That just got shown to the wife...mostly because I was hyperventilating after laughing so hard. Well played Sir, well played.

 

P.S.- Save the ever-awesome lightning bolts of doom and poor Brother Thunderbunny's obvious mutation...perfect. Much appreciated!

[Heru]

Two options (well three if you count Brother Thunderbunny):

My preference:

And closer to your original:

[Marshal Renatus]

Heru...absolutely perfect! And I agree with you on preference. Consider it used. You're a lifesaver. Many thanks!

 

And thank you for the note on the Librarium. I had not heard that. Any idea on when it might be up? My goal for these guys was to actually see them through to admittance, so that would be good to know. Thanks again for everything!

[Lord Scytha]

Ordered to begin operations immediately, the Sky Sentinels found themselves posted to the Perun Sector of Segmentum Tempestus, where they were assigned the homeworld of Pranagar. Its strategic location next to the Ork empires of V’Run and Jurn made Pranagar an excellent base of operations, and the relative stability of the area’s time-space continuum meant that the sector would be unlikely to see the types of warp storms that typically plagued the segmentum.

 

Fourth paragraph after origins.

 

Space-time continuum sound too scientific, too real life physics so that it stands out from the gothic space fantasy that 40k is. It made at least me jump when I read it and it totally broke the suspension of disbelief for me. Suggest just changing it to warp space or similar and it'll seem more smooth.

 

Otherwise. Good job.

[Marshal Renatus]

Lord Scytha: Good catch. That was one of those pieces I wasn't sure about when I wrote it, but I couldn't come up with a better turn of phrase at the time. Much appreciated.

[Marshal Renatus]

A few more tweaks...mostly grammatical and formatting. Added a quote under combat doctrine. Don't want to go overboard with them, but it is one of my favorites and it fits the chapter well.

[Octavulg]

DISCLAIMER: Octavulg is currently impaired through the medium of cheap white wine. As a man of adamantium, this does not impair his judgement except in one aspect: he thinks he's hilarious.

 

This opinion may not be shared by all readers.

 

And he no longer can type.

 

ONWARD!

 

* * *

 

Heralds of the Primarch

 

This doesn't quite feel appropriate - this makes it sound like they expect his return or something like that.

 

It's about the Codex, not the Primarch. I'd say something like Devotees of the Codex or Adherents of the Codex or Sillyheads of the Book. You get my drift.

 

“Venerate the Emperor; for your life is one of His great works. Honor the Primarch; so that in his name and example all aspire. Uphold the Codex; for in its hallowed pages lie salvation for all mankind. Hold close these tenets and be recognized as a warrior of the Imperium. Cast even one aside and you tread a path toward damnation.” – Chaplain Belestarius, 234.M37, Reclusiarch of the Sky Sentinels

 

Nice!

 

Born during the Golden Age of the Imperium, the Sky Sentinels have been a stalwart presence in Segmentum Tempestus. Differing from their Black Consul forefathers, and their Ultramarine forefathers before them, the Sky Sentinels disdain the heralding of their many glories, and have remained one of the less known scions of Guilliman despite their millennia of service. Time enough for the reciting of the Chapter’s battle honors when the Imperium is restored to the days of the Great Crusade and its enemies are destroyed or powerless.

 

+1 for the backhanded implication that the Ultramarines are blowhards.

 

I'd recommend deleting either 'powerless' or 'destroyed'. Ends the sentence more firmly, with more force.

 

Founded in the 33rd Millennium as part of the Ninth Founding, the Sky Sentinels were envisioned as a continued effort by the Imperium to restore order. The Black Consuls, hallowed Second Founding Chapter of the Ultramarines, were selected to provide the training cadre for the nascent chapter. With great solemnity Captain Titus Aeneas, 3rd Company Commander, accepted the mantle of leadership for the nascent chapter and assumed the honorific of Chapter Master.

 

Them being a 'continued effort' feels like a weird choice of phrase.

 

In addition to expunging any taint of traitor forces, the Sky Sentinels were sworn to reverse the in-roads made by the degenerate Orks during the upheaval of the Scouring. Once contained, the Chapter was to monitor the Ork-held planets of V’Run and Jurn. Recognizing the expansive nature of this mission, the Chapter was equipped and trained for mobility and responsiveness beyond that of a standard Astartes force. They were furnished with the latest models of rapid response vessels and strike cruisers and the massive battle barge Shield of Terra, while for land combat they were presented with an expansive compliment of Rhino transports, as well as an impressive fleet of Thunderhawk gunships.

 

Could be covered in Organization just as well.

 

The reverse side of this boon was that the chapter was, unfortunately, denied much of the heavier equipment seen amongst the Astartes; less than half the usual number of Land Raider and Predator tanks, less than a quarter of their expected Vindicators, and not one Whirlwind artillery system. It is unknown whether this was by intentional design or is simply an indicator of how precariously thin the Imperium’s forgeworlds were stretched during this time.

 

Could also be covered in Organization, and with a sentence like "undersupplied with heavy assets" to boot.

 

Ordered to begin operations immediately, the Sky Sentinels found themselves posted to the Perun Sector of Segmentum Tempestus, where they were assigned the homeworld of Pranagar. Its strategic location next to the Ork empires of V’Run and Jurn made Pranagar an excellent base of operations, and the relative stability of the area’s warp-space meant that the sector would be unlikely to see the types of warp storms that typically plagued the segmentum.

 

Might be worth mentioning that this would keep the chapter mobile and usable, since their base wouldn't be plagued by blah blah.

 

Assuming the mantle of Commander of the Sky Sentinels, Anton Gavrilov, formerly Captain of the 1st Company, ascended to the position of Chapter Master, a position he maintains. The loss of their fleet flagship, the Shield of Terra, was a heavy blow for the Chapter. And the loss of so many veteran leaders, experienced Battle-Brothers, and precious wargear has been difficult to overcome. The Sky Sentinels are the scions of Guilliman, however, and nothing save their complete destruction will see them falter. With a fire in their hearts and steel in their souls, the Chapter has turned their somber gaze to those deserving of their wrath.

 

Much of the chapter's later history doesn't seem relevant to who they are today. Beyond the bit where they establish themselves on Pranagar, I'd argue none of it's really necessary. The bit with the Dark Hunters could be stablished in a sidebar. This bit might be worth keeping, as well (plus the related bit), to bring them into the modern era. Beyond that, it doesn't tell us more about who they are.

 

The Sky Sentinels have continued the work of their primogenitors, and have remained staunchly adhered to the Codex Astartes. To the Chapter the Codex represents more than a holy work. It is the very word of the Emperor himself. As the Primarchs were made in his image, it is only logical that what was passed from Roboute Guilliman into the Codex originated from the Emperor’s own mind and soul. In this thread, adherence to its tenet and mandates, in the minds of the Sky Sentinels, is by implication commanded by the Emperor.

 

And the words of the nineteen other Primarchs represent...

 

The Gaze of the Primarch

Scrambling through the wreckage of Shield of Terra as they attempted to abandon the ship, an acolyte of the Reclusiam placed his hand upon an object. Unable to see in the dark what it was he clutched, he could feel the power it emanated. Claiming it guided his salvation, he returned the object to Chapter Master Gavrilov when he arrived back on Pranagar. Swathed in a burnt cloth stained in blood and oil, lay the Chapters’ copy of Guilliman’s great work, the Codex Astartes. The Chapter’s greatest gift from the Black Consuls, the copy reputedly dates back to the days of Guilliman himself, and the Chapter has taken this as a portent that the Primarch watches over them.

steepest of penalties, as should all seditious acts. For the Chapter, dishonoring of the Codex, by deed or word, is punishable by death.

 

I'd recommend a more neutral POV for this sidebar.

 

Now, more than ever,

 

A renegade cop!

 

A robot, renegade cop!

 

The Chapter’s insistence on remaining in full armor and helm in the presence of non-Astartes has been particularly distressing to many they would aid and advise. Believing that only a fellow Space Marine is worthy of truly knowing them, this particular quirk has frustrated more than a few Imperial Guard commanders and planetary leaders and resulted in less than open dialogue.

 

This seems almost contradictory with the previous bit about spreading the good word.

 

Also, what about problems with applying the Codex to non-Space Marines.

 

To the Chapter’s great relief, there has been little interaction with the agents of the Inquisition during their years of service. The Sky Sentinels have gone out of their way to ensure this by carefully directing the timely remittance of their geneseed tithes, and ensuring its strict quality. The Chapter prides itself that in its millennia of service it has never given the Inquisition reason to question its methods or members, and so the Sky Sentinels will strive for it to remain. The lone exception to this would be the Ordo Xenos.

 

You make it sound like the Ordo Xenos is investigating them.

 

The Sky Sentinels' many centuries of combat with the Ork menace and their more recent engagement with the Tyranid threat of Hive Fleet Leviathan have made them a favored resource for induction into the Deathwatch. The Sky Sentinels selected thus far have executed their duties with acknowledged skill and devotion, though the repetitive deviations from Codex mandates and the exposure to aberrant chapter beliefs can be spiritually difficult for those selected. Indeed, those brothers who tread too far down this divergent path are encouraged to volunteer for permanent secondment to the Deathwatch, lest the Chapter be forced to volunteer them itself.

 

Repeated, not repetitive. Different connotations. I'd just go with mentioning the exposure to aberrant beliefs, though.

 

What they lack in armored might the Sky Sentinels more than compensate for with the ingenuity, speed, and flexibility of their Battle-Brothers. The Chapters’ battle plans are noted for their precision and coldly methodical approach to warfare. Using their extensive studies of the Codex Astartes, the Chapter pursues any and all advantages in their quest to eliminate the enemies of Mankind. Due to the inherent flexibility of the Codex, a Sky Sentinels strike force can vary widely in its organization due to the nature of the mission at hand. While all of the forces will belong to a single Battle Company, it is common to see attachments from the Veteran, Reserve, and Scout Companies.

 

I find it odd that a chapter so dedicatedly Codex would not have acquired a more balanced selection of equipment yet.

 

Beyond the Chapter’s occasional interaction with the planetary government, the Sky Sentinels have very little interaction with the population of Pranagar.

 

Too much 'interaction'. Not enough cowbell.

 

The Chapter prefers the mystique they hold over the Pranagari people. Indeed, no living inhabitant can claim to have ever seen the seen the face of any Sky Sentinel, even on the rare instance they have been honored by the presence of a Battle-Brother. It is under this shroud of mystery that every year those graduates of the training collegium who have chosen to attempt a place in the Adeptus Astartes begin their journey.

 

Attempt to gain a place would be more appropriate.

 

Unlike other Chapters, there are no great games, no feats of strength or survival that mark selection as an aspirant. The Sky Sentinels require only that an aspirant arrive at the transport that will deliver them to Fell Talon Keep before the appointed departure time. What transpires between the gates of their Walled City and the ramp of the transport is between them and the Emperor. Less than half the aspirants make the arrival. Many are consumed by the avian predators that inhabit Pranagar, many others simply submit to the blistering cold and inhospitable terrain, and still more arrive too late, hindered by their own weakness or the very planet itself. Those that make the transport have taken the first steps of several decades’ worth of training and combat. Many will not make it beyond their years as an aspirant, settling for admittance into the Chapter’s servant ranks or worse should they be found truly wanting. Many more will not make it beyond their years in the scouts, succumbing to their wounds in combat or unable to accept the physiological changes required to become an Astartes. Those that do survive are embraced into the Chapter as Battle-Brothers, and for the first time are permitted to see the faces of those elevated to that status before them, for the Sky Sentinels will only show their faces to their equals. This also marks the occasion where they are awarded the badges of a Sky Sentinel. The first is a branding of the Chapter symbol upon their left breast, a physical reminder to uphold their sacred duty. The second is their wargear; power armor freshly blessed by the Master of the Forge, anointed with sacred oils and unctuals, and their holy bolter, deliverer of the Emperor’s righteous judgment.

 

What time is it kids?

 

Line break time!

 

I'd go with 'succumb' over 'submit'.

 

You have a real thing about people not showing their faces. Are you various western governments (OH SNAP!)? Seriously, though. Where'd that come from?

 

R

elying on speed, precision and stealth to execute their attacks, the Sky Sentinels rarely engage in unnecessary communication during combat operations. Before battle, however, it is common for Chaplains, or other leadership, to conclude the Rites of Holy Combat with the saying “Ex Caelum, Mortis.” While always evoked in High Gothic, the Low Gothic translation would be “From the Sky, Death.”

 

I'd even argue you could eliminate the translation. Let the bastards look it up, I say!

 

* * *

 

It's good. You are firmly into the stage where you polish. Well done. :P

 

Sincerely,

 

Batman

[Captain Juan Juarez]

DISCLAIMER: Octavulg is currently impaired through the medium of cheap white wine.

 

Oooo.. Classy! ;)

 

As a man of adamantium, this does not impair his judgement except in one aspect: he thinks he's hilarious.

 

Why is this any different from normal!? ^_^

[Marshal Renatus]

First, let me say that I fervently hope you were imbibing "inexpensive" wine and not "cheap" wine. Two things no man should ever have "cheap" applied to; wine and cigars. The thought of you guzzling wine from a box is...disconcerting, lol.

 

On to responses:

 

QUOTE

Heralds of the Primarch

 

This doesn't quite feel appropriate - this makes it sound like they expect his return or something like that.

 

It's about the Codex, not the Primarch. I'd say something like Devotees of the Codex or Adherents of the Codex or Sillyheads of the Book. You get my drift.

 

QUOTE

“Venerate the Emperor; for your life is one of His great works. Honor the Primarch; so that in his name and example all aspire. Uphold the Codex; for in its hallowed pages lie salvation for all mankind. Hold close these tenets and be recognized as a warrior of the Imperium. Cast even one aside and you tread a path toward damnation.” – Chaplain Belestarius, 234.M37, Reclusiarch of the Sky Sentinels

 

Nice!

 

QUOTE

Born during the Golden Age of the Imperium, the Sky Sentinels have been a stalwart presence in Segmentum Tempestus. Differing from their Black Consul forefathers, and their Ultramarine forefathers before them, the Sky Sentinels disdain the heralding of their many glories, and have remained one of the less known scions of Guilliman despite their millennia of service. Time enough for the reciting of the Chapter’s battle honors when the Imperium is restored to the days of the Great Crusade and its enemies are destroyed or powerless.

 

+1 for the backhanded implication that the Ultramarines are blowhards.

 

I'd recommend deleting either 'powerless' or 'destroyed'. Ends the sentence more firmly, with more force.

 

QUOTE

Founded in the 33rd Millennium as part of the Ninth Founding, the Sky Sentinels were envisioned as a continued effort by the Imperium to restore order. The Black Consuls, hallowed Second Founding Chapter of the Ultramarines, were selected to provide the training cadre for the nascent chapter. With great solemnity Captain Titus Aeneas, 3rd Company Commander, accepted the mantle of leadership for the nascent chapter and assumed the honorific of Chapter Master.

 

Them being a 'continued effort' feels like a weird choice of phrase.

- Adjusted accordingly

 

QUOTE

In addition to expunging any taint of traitor forces, the Sky Sentinels were sworn to reverse the in-roads made by the degenerate Orks during the upheaval of the Scouring. Once contained, the Chapter was to monitor the Ork-held planets of V’Run and Jurn. Recognizing the expansive nature of this mission, the Chapter was equipped and trained for mobility and responsiveness beyond that of a standard Astartes force. They were furnished with the latest models of rapid response vessels and strike cruisers and the massive battle barge Shield of Terra, while for land combat they were presented with an expansive compliment of Rhino transports, as well as an impressive fleet of Thunderhawk gunships.

 

Could be covered in Organization just as well.

 

QUOTE

The reverse side of this boon was that the chapter was, unfortunately, denied much of the heavier equipment seen amongst the Astartes; less than half the usual number of Land Raider and Predator tanks, less than a quarter of their expected Vindicators, and not one Whirlwind artillery system. It is unknown whether this was by intentional design or is simply an indicator of how precariously thin the Imperium’s forgeworlds were stretched during this time.

 

Could also be covered in Organization, and with a sentence like "undersupplied with heavy assets" to boot.

- I disagree. I like these here. They could fit in organization, but I feel they are central to the founding of the chapter and belong in Origins.

 

QUOTE

Ordered to begin operations immediately, the Sky Sentinels found themselves posted to the Perun Sector of Segmentum Tempestus, where they were assigned the homeworld of Pranagar. Its strategic location next to the Ork empires of V’Run and Jurn made Pranagar an excellent base of operations, and the relative stability of the area’s warp-space meant that the sector would be unlikely to see the types of warp storms that typically plagued the segmentum.

 

Might be worth mentioning that this would keep the chapter mobile and usable, since their base wouldn't be plagued by blah blah.

- Agreed and have done so.

 

QUOTE

Assuming the mantle of Commander of the Sky Sentinels, Anton Gavrilov, formerly Captain of the 1st Company, ascended to the position of Chapter Master, a position he maintains. The loss of their fleet flagship, the Shield of Terra, was a heavy blow for the Chapter. And the loss of so many veteran leaders, experienced Battle-Brothers, and precious wargear has been difficult to overcome. The Sky Sentinels are the scions of Guilliman, however, and nothing save their complete destruction will see them falter. With a fire in their hearts and steel in their souls, the Chapter has turned their somber gaze to those deserving of their wrath.

 

Much of the chapter's later history doesn't seem relevant to who they are today. Beyond the bit where they establish themselves on Pranagar, I'd argue none of it's really necessary. The bit with the Dark Hunters could be stablished in a sidebar. This bit might be worth keeping, as well (plus the related bit), to bring them into the modern era. Beyond that, it doesn't tell us more about who they are.

- I've shortened it up considerably, but that is about all I'm willing to cut from this area. I already have sidebars in the area, and I don't want to over-do them.

 

And the words of the nineteen other Primarchs represent...

- Baked into the Codex my good man. As Guilliman was one of the last surviving/present primarchs, we should assume he put the best of his brothers in the book as well. And if not...so what, lol? You don't hear the Blood Angels or Iron Hands lamenting that they don't know enough about the teachings of Dorn. Guilliman is their Primarch and it is his word they revere. If the others wanted such adoration they shoud have written a Codex of their own. (That hurt my soul to type that.)

 

 

I'd recommend a more neutral POV for this sidebar.

- I have attempted that. Let me know what you think.

 

A renegade cop!

 

A robot, renegade cop!

- Here I blame the swill you were downing, lol. I have no idea what you're talking about, but I fixed it anyway.

 

This seems almost contradictory with the previous bit about spreading the good word.

 

Also, what about problems with applying the Codex to non-Space Marines.

- They are willing to share the knowledge, but they aren't school teachers. Like the Black Consuls, they are uncompromising and fairly arrogant, even for Astartes. That's why the quirk about not exposing their faces to non-Space Marines. They just don't get that honor.

- Back to an earlier conversation, the Codex covers a wide selection of topics and was written by a warrior who maintained not only his Legion but whole Grand Armies and Naval Fleets. The Codex would certainly discuss the practical uses of such "combat enhancers" to the Astartes forces, and would almost certainly discuss what a good IG or IN force should be capable of doing. Additionally, it's not unheard of for Space Marines to train/advise IG forces. The UMs did it on Tarsis Ultra and the Blood Ravens did it on Pavonis I believe. Those were instances where the battle required it, but the Sky Sentinels are proactive about it. Why not know the force you are taking the field with is well-trained versus having to make emergency corrections?

 

You make it sound like the Ordo Xenos is investigating them.

Repeated, not repetitive. Different connotations. I'd just go with mentioning the exposure to aberrant beliefs, though.

I find it odd that a chapter so dedicatedly Codex would not have acquired a more balanced selection of equipment yet.

Too much 'interaction'. Not enough cowbell.

Attempt to gain a place would be more appropriate.

- All fixed or better developed in the applicable sections

 

What time is it kids?

 

Line break time!

 

I'd go with 'succumb' over 'submit'.

 

You have a real thing about people not showing their faces. Are you various western governments (OH SNAP!)? Seriously, though. Where'd that come from?

- Check and check. Discussed the "hidden identity" piece above.

 

I'd even argue you could eliminate the translation. Let the bastards look it up, I say!

- But I am a benevolent author. Besides, this goes back to the arrogance piece. They always say it in high gothic, just to establish that they are the Sky Sentinels...and you are not.

 

It's good. You are firmly into the stage where you polish. Well done.

- :P I may now die in peace, for Octavulg has been pleased with a selection of my writing. *hears the angelic choir and glorifying trumpets*