The blood Stain

[ArcAngelShadi]

This is the story of the blood knight fight against chaos from the city of Demal on the planet Ventrixtis. ( thanks to Black orange and WitchHunter Karine for inspiration)

 

The First Sign, part 1

 

 

The sky was grey with streams of blue running through it like drops of water smeared on a blank canvas, the smell of smoke hung on to the air and off to the distant was a raging fire blazing on a factory building ready to engulf the rest of the surrounding area. "Damn, their close." Sitcas said in a low tone, he had only been Captin of the 5th company for a short time but had the skills of the chapter master himself. Sitcas raised his head from the raging flame and said with a shout to the remaining company " Brothers, the damed chaos are almost apon us, we must move to Demal before they do." With a battle chant the company moved forward. It was not much, it consisted of 2 10 man squads of tactical marines, 15 jump pack marines, and Furiso Librarian Demcas, as well as Sitcas and his three remaining honor guard. This force was not numerous but was skilled in many ways.

 

Sitcas went to the hulking mass of machine known as librarian Demcas, he bowed to show his gratitude toward this long-lived master of war and knowledge. "Lord Demcas, what is are next move." Even though Sitcas was the Captin of the company he always asked the dreadnoughts for advice because of their wise amount of knowledge. The hulking mass Of wisdom looked to the sky, With a quick turn Demcas raised his arm and pointed to a crumbled bridge laid between a river and small out cropping of buildings. "We must move east, my brother that way lies Demal!" With another chant the remaining compay gathered among the remaining rhino are razorback left at the control point, heading toward the City of Demal where blood would be shed.

 

This is the first part of my story, i hope you guys liked it.

[BLACK BLΠFLY]

Nice! :) Can't wait to see more.

 

G B)

[Pavement Artist]

Nice Shadi. As with Black Orange, i think its too short. I know its only the first part but you manage to bring the reader in and then abruptly cut them off. Id prefer it if you spent a bit longer and perhaps combined two or three of the parts so we have a meatier read.

[Brother-Captain Devlonir]

It indeed sets a nice scene and makes people hungry for more! Already love the fact that the battle leader turns to the Furioso for advice on what to do, that is very fluffy!

 

Now: two bits of constructive criticism to improve yourself with (please don't be offended as I am trying to advice you to improve your writing skills)

 

First, there were a number of typos and some grammar mistakes in there. Using "their" instead of "they're" or just "they are" for example; i always prefer writing it out completely for more noble characters as I feel they use the abreviations less common. The best way to solve this is to either write something, let is lay down for a day or just a few hours, and then reread it again. Or to ask someone to read it before you post it and edit your grammar and spelling mistakes. Nobody writes perfectly in their first draft of a story, but spelling and grammar mistakes can become frustrating for some readers to a level where they will not read the good story because of the bad grammar.

 

Second: You described it as:

"2 10 man squads of tactical marines, 15 jump pack marines, and Furiso Librarian Demcas, as well as Sitcas and his three remaining honor guard"

The written numbers (2 10 ... 15) and letters (three) mixed is not always a nice writing style to mix, most stories usually try to avoid using numbers. Either writing it out fully unless it is something like "three hundred fifty seven thousand and eight hundred thirty" which just gets too long.

Also.. being so specific can also be avoided within the Warhammer 40k Universe by writing it like (for example):

"two tactical squads at full battle strength, three combat squads of assault marines, the venerable Furioso Librarian Demcas and Captain Sitcas himself with the remaining three members of his honour guard"

It describes the same, but in more elaborate and descriptive words, just like you describe the surroundings and the scene.

 

That's just some advice though, do with it what you want. I still love the idea and the scene of the story so far and would love to read more of it!

[ArcAngelShadi]

Thanks for the support guys

 

I will try to make my next part longe.

 

Second, and this is to brother captin, your right i did kinda feel like i was describing an army list rather then a chapter so i will work on that

 

and third i will work on using number correctly ( 1,2,3) (one,two,three)

[ArcAngelShadi]

In the hull of the razorback a conversation was about to unfold.

 

"Captin." said one of the honor guard know as Trintix, he was the youngest of the honor guard but still had skills of legends, "Why are we going to Demal, the guard think were rouge and they wont accept our help even if we ask?" With a sigh Sitcas said " It was not to me to go to Demal but Master Ronaven thinks that we need to protect the city."

 

Demal is an imperial city made of factories and warehouses, there is little homes here and is mostly used for HQ and armories. The reason Demal is so important to the chaos is that the city is on a reserve of adamite,a crystal know for its tremendous amount of psychic energy, if this power was used by chaos the would open a door to the warp and engulf near by planets in its dark grasp.

 

Octavis another honor guard said "Well if it was up to me i would just kill the chaos with out the need to protect Demal, i would shove this grenade so far up their....."

As these words were spoken a blast of white hot energy burst through the razorback melting Octavis and getting on his fellow honor guard Rentis insta-killing them.

 

The razor back flew forward and crashed into a huge rock that crumbled as the machine hit it. "Damn" said Sitcas as him Trintix bolted from the melted razorback. The site Sitcas saw was of terror and Rage.... lay before him was a horde of Khorne World Eaters with there weapons at the ready running toward the remaning soliders.

 

 

"FIGHT!" Sitcas said as he ran toward the horde of berzerkers, with his power sword ready he began swing into the crowd slicing the heads of the warriors.

The rest of the warriors began to unleash all their power toward the foes in a volley of shots, Librarian Demcas shot a crimson lance of power toward the crowd killing 5 in the effect. Jump packers threw grenades blowing limbs from the never ending swarm of warriors.

 

Sitcas worked his way through the crowd slicing and shooting the eaters in swift and fierce motions, but in side him was the one thing he has tried to retain for so long, the black rage. The rage filled him more with each kill until no more World Eaters were standing. "AAAAGGGGHHHHHHH" Sitcas screamed at the top of his lungs and falling to his knees, he needed him a fast before his actions got him killed. Trintix moved toward Sitcas and helped him up, but the look in his eyes could destroy Cities!

 

"Sitcas, we need to get moving." Said Demcas said as a pair of crimson wings sprouted from his back.

"your right lord Demcas, lets move out 5th company, toward Demal." However this time itt had to have been of foot because no machine other than Demcas survived the fight.

[BLACK BLΠFLY]

Keep it up Shadi! I'm enjoying this story of yours !

 

:)

 

G

[ArcAngelShadi]

as with yours black orange