Feedback for new chapter: Angel Kings

[Leto Gallahad]

Hi, I'm new to Bolter and Chainsword and have recently become attached to the 40k universe. I've been wanting to make a chapter for myself for fun and two people have directed me here to get some critiques on it. I'm well aware that there are some holes and other issues that need to be fixed, but I want to submit what I have currently:

 

 

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The Angel Kings

 

The Angel Kings are a fairly recent chapter, they were created sometime during or after the Cursed Founding, but ** INFORMATION HAS BEEN OMITTED **

 

Their chapter planet is a temperate planet called Bethsaida, a serene world that could be likened to the Alps of Terra, save for the fact that the trees grow 300 feet tall and house a plethora of deadly and ravenous creatures. Most of the world is shrouded underneath a sea of trees but there are rolling plains, high mountains and extensive oceans. This place was untouched for several millennia and would have remained so if not for a series of events that would shatter the chapter.

 

The Defeat at Hercule

 

Miners in neighboring system of Hercule had awakened a cell of Necrons deep in their capital planet of the same name. The Angel Kings were sent in response under Captain Adrian Augustine and Librarian Gregor Antonia, both noted for their successful victories against the malevolent machines. Two full companies of hardened, Necron slaying marines clashed under Hercule's surface, pushing them further and further into their temples and shrines dedicated to their dark entities. Victory was at hand, so it seemed, but this was far from the truth.

 

What they had been fighting in was no mere temple, but a ship, a massive ship that had been laying in wait for eons of time. It stretched like a long blade from one polar tip to the other. Like a viper hanging back for a killing strike, the vessel erupted from Hercule's crust, tearing with it the planet's core, which was in fact the core of the planet. The evacuation was short lived, only shattered remnants of the populace escaped along with those that were smart enough to leave while the fighting was still going on.

 

The Angel Kings made a valiant effort to prevent the world ship from escaping, returning to their battle barges Heart of Fire and Indomitable to begin the attack anew. Alas, this was not to be. Before they could begin boarding actions, a massive energy flux from the Necron ship opened a portal to the Warp, sucking in every ship and destroying others near the crumbling planet. In a flash, the Necrons, the Angel Kings and Hercule vanished from sight.

 

Augustine fought tooth and nail to escape the grasp of the Warp and when they finally did, they re-emerged several centuries later and surprisingly at Bethsaida's doorstep. The rest of the chapter was overjoyed at their return and so was Antonia, the lone survivor of his company, had come back only decades before in the shattered pieces of his battle barge. The Chapter was whole again and stronger than ever despite the events at Hercule. This was not to last.

 

Antonia wasn't the only thing to come out of the Warp on the day he returned. What seemed like hours to Augustine during his time flowed like centuries to Antonia. He had been imprisoned on the Indomitable, plagued by daemons and nightmarish denizens of the Warp. At first he was able to shut out the whispers of Chaos, but when the last of his battle-brothers died around him, his mind shattered and he gave into them. From that moment on he was no longer Gregor Antonia, but Calzabath, Sorcerer of Tzeentch.

 

Battle of Bethsaida

 

In those few decades before the seed of rebellion and heresy had already been spread and unfortunately, cultivated even within the Chapter. It was only a matter of time when the traitors would make their move but Antonia wished that his dear friend Augustine would join him in this coup that would leave the Angel Kings independent of the Imperium. Fortunately, the Captain's faith in the Imperium and the Emperor was strong, even too strong to be broken by the words of his former battle-brother. It was at that moment when Augustine rejected every word the librarian had to give him that the heretics rose up and started began their attack on the fortress monastery, cutting off the bulk of the loyalists from the rest of the planet.

 

As luck would have it, the Inquisition, namely the Order of the Firestorm, lead by Canoness Rosanna Lombard, was suspicious of both Augustine and Antonia's miraculous returns. They believed that some taint of Chaos existed in both of them from their prolonged stay in Warp. Their assumption of one of them was correct. The Canoness joined with Chapter Master Ariel Baruch and the few marines that were not swayed and made sure that none were to even grace the steps that lead to the main gates of the fortress monastery. After hours of pushing back the traitors, an Adeputus Mechanicus Titan Ardent Fury stationed within the extensive underground forges had gone rogue, catching the Loyalists completely off guard, cutting a swath of death and destruction that brought down the monastery's gates. Baruch renewed the fight, charging forth in his personal Land Raider, colliding with the titan's leg with las-cannon fire ripping apart vital stability systems. The Ardent Fury was unable to take a step further and it toppled off the steps of the monastery, crashing down the side of the surrounding mountains. Baruch had gone down with it and it was clear he wouldn'tve survived after titan's reactor went critical.

 

Despite this shallow victory, nothing was left to protect. Both the Firestorm and the Angel King remnants withdrew from the burning mountains and advanced to Bethsaida's capital, which had a hellish battle zone of its own. It was confirmed that the last portion of loyalist support lay there, along with Augustine and his company. The rest of the planet had fallen to Chaos.

 

Augustine was securing several docking bays that were being loaded with panicking Bethsaidans, when suddenly las-shots rang out and the local militia switched its allegiance to Chaos. Those that were not already on board the evacuation ships were being held hostage beyond the reach of the space marines. If the Angel Kings did not surrender, they would all die a bloody and grim death in the name of Tzeentch. The Captain was not about to give into demands of heretics, but neither was he going to let thousands of innocents be slaughtered. Instead he challenged the head of the militia, or rather a traitorous marine called Zalmon, to a duel. The victor would decide the fate of the civialians. Zalmon was all too eager to accept, confident that the ruinous powers would elevate him to a higher position when this fight was over. And it was over all too quickly.

 

The militia lost the will to fight when they saw their commander fall and began to turn tail and run. Antonia, now taking on his new identity as Calzabath, saw this as an opportunity to apply his new found warp powers. With his other dark servants, he tore open a rift to the Warp itself, it seething energies finding their ways into the bodies of their new hosts, mutating them into horrific daemons. Controlled by the will of Calzabath, they joined the ranks of the forces marching to the spaceport's last bastion. The Angel Kings were now outnumbered fifty to one, if not more.

 

The Final Battle

 

Calzabath's forces moved from the city back into the spaceport, relentlessly attacking the gates that stood between them and the evacuation transports. The Angel Kings fought vigorously atop the walls, but the numbers of Chaos were too overwhelming. The gates were smashed open and the heretics broke through with a powerful volley of Vindicator fire.

 

Augustine himself would not let the Heart of Fire, the last hope of the Angel Kings, fall into their hands. He, Azazer, Xerxes, Cambrian and what few veterans were left of the company, prepared themselves for one final fight, luring the enemy into the bastion just outside the docking bay. The battle was nothing short of epic. Librarian Dreadnaught Xerxes held the entrance with force axe in hand, he let none pass the gateway and soon the bodies piled as high as the dreadnaught himself. Little by little they were giving ground, there just seemed no end to the chaos abominations. The fight itself was carried into the docking bay, where Brother Techmarine Nemo was frantically trying to bring the recusant Heart of Fire's engines online.

 

Calzabath strode forth into the cacophony of battle, seeking out his former friend and battle-brother. The Chaos Sorcerer was now in favor of the Dark Gods and incalculable power leapt from his finger tips, seemingly reshaping his material world around him. Augustine wasn't hesitant, nor did he show any quarter. This monster was Antonia no more and would not be shown mercy for the path he now walked upon. The Captain met this challenge and they began their ferocious duel. Even as Augustine fought on with all his might, he knew in his mind that neither he nor his fellows would prevail this day. That was about to change.

 

The Order of the Firestorm, along with the Angel King remnants had caught up with the stranded Captain Augustine. The Canoness and the Master burst into the front of the docking bay aboard Thunderhawks, dropping the remainder of the Angel King reserve companies.

 

Calzabath wasn't bothered by this, oddly. He began laughing, claiming that now all of his enemies were in one place, he could now crush them all in the name of Chaos. He dealt a telling blow against Augustine, casting his broken body to his fellows. The daemon sorcerer was about to take a step closer when Xerxes stomped through his daemonic horde and created a barrier that would hold them back only for a moment. By that time Nemo had the Heart of Fire operational and the loyalists on the dock made haste into the battle barge. The Canoness, separated from her sisters, was reluctantly was hulled aboard as well.

 

The hulking ship burned through the docking bay at full power, nearly tearing the entire building down as it rose up from its berth and into the sky. Below, the Honored Librarian and the Daemon Sorcerer were locked in psychic combat, one unable to break the mind of the other. In time however, Xerxes began to falter, his plating beginning to crack and twist. Not wanting to leave a single man behind, Augustine ordered he be teleported into the ship, regardless of what the ancient said. Once safely aboard, Heart of Fire leapt into the warp for parts unknown.

 

The Angel Kings are looked upon with admiration and awe. More than half of their chapter has turned traitor and yet, this small fraction remains loyal. They fought brother against brother, killing the very men they fought alongside. Truly they are exemplary in their faith and servitude to the Emperor and the Imperium, none will question where their loyalties lie.

 

As of now, the Heart of Fire is wandering the galaxy, with a small fleet of ships that came with her after fleeing Bethsaida. They wish to return to their homeworld and reclaim it, but not now. There's a time and place for everything.

 

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My greatest concerns are:

 

What chapter SHOULD they decend from? I know people are tired of "unknown" chapters. So far I've ruled out just about every chapter save for the Ultramarines, since they are the most generic chapter and the Angel Kings are pretty generic as far as chapter organization and troop roles. Perhaps I'd need to change my chapter name in order for it to fit with a different parent chapter.

 

Did I portray the Sisters of Battle correctly?

 

Does this sound believeable, as far as 40k stories go? I'm a little iffy about the Necron world ship, a friend suggested it to me and I thought it was cool.

 

If you've gotten this far, I appreciate your time.

 

If you're interested in what the characters look like, check out these links, I made all this artwork myself:

Antonia/Calzabth: http://blazbaros.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d377jbm

Xerxes: http://blazbaros.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d34fk30

Falco: http://blazbaros.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d34400q

Cambrian: http://blazbaros.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d33mfjl

Canoness Lombard: http://blazbaros.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d32ycnt

Nemo: http://blazbaros.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d32ln1l

[Octavulg]

0

The Angel Kings

 

No. Kings does not work as a name for a Space Marine chapter. "Why?!" I hear you cry.

 

Because there is one king in the Imperium. And that is the Emperor. Plus, the term king has been irredeemably cheapened. Burger King. BB King. Chicken a la King. Elvis. Monarchy's not what it used to be.

 

Its meaning's a bit confusing. Are they kings of the Angels? Kings who are angelic? Both?

 

Finally, Angel and King are both nouns. Double nouns is a bad idea, IMO. The mind rebels against it when read.

 

Their chapter planet is a temperate planet called Bethsaida, a serene world that could be likened to the Alps of Terra, save for the fact that the trees grow 300 feet tall and house a plethora of deadly and ravenous creatures. Most of the world is shrouded underneath a sea of trees but there are rolling plains, high mountains and extensive oceans. This place was untouched for several millennia and would have remained so if not for a series of events that would shatter the chapter.

 

It couldn't be likened to the Alps of Terra, because Terra's been a wasteland for several millenia.

 

Also, don't make people think of yodelling in an IA. Bad idea.

 

What they had been fighting in was no mere temple, but a ship, a massive ship that had been laying in wait for eons of time. It stretched like a long blade from one polar tip to the other. Like a viper hanging back for a killing strike, the vessel erupted from Hercule's crust, tearing with it the planet's core, which was in fact the core of the planet. The evacuation was short lived, only shattered remnants of the populace escaped along with those that were smart enough to leave while the fighting was still going on.

 

That's a very, very big ship.

 

Also, the bolded bit is, well...I think you can see the problem.

 

After hours of pushing back the traitors, an Adeputus Mechanicus Titan Ardent Fury stationed within the extensive underground forges had gone rogue, catching the Loyalists completely off guard, cutting a swath of death and destruction that brought down the monastery's gates.

 

...Why would there be a Titan?

 

The Angel Kings are looked upon with admiration and awe. More than half of their chapter has turned traitor and yet, this small fraction remains loyal. They fought brother against brother, killing the very men they fought alongside. Truly they are exemplary in their faith and servitude to the Emperor and the Imperium, none will question where their loyalties lie.

 

Huh. How silly of the DA, keeping the Fallen a secret all this time...

 

No. Corruption is a sign of weakness. Weakness is a sign of impurity. Impurity deserves death.

 

What chapter SHOULD they decend from? I know people are tired of "unknown" chapters. So far I've ruled out just about every chapter save for the Ultramarines, since they are the most generic chapter and the Angel Kings are pretty generic as far as chapter organization and troop roles. Perhaps I'd need to change my chapter name in order for it to fit with a different parent chapter.

 

Ultramarines are fine. Angel's going to make people think BA or DA, both of which come with baggage.

 

Did I portray the Sisters of Battle correctly?

 

How were they immediately sure which side was in the right? Why did they not just kill both sides to be sure?

 

Does this sound believeable, as far as 40k stories go? I'm a little iffy about the Necron world ship, a friend suggested it to me and I thought it was cool.

 

It's a damn big ship. Perhaps too big.

 

I mean, work it out some time. That's really big.

 

* * *

 

You are awfully prone to run-on sentences. Commas and periods are good things.

 

This is long on battles and short on actual information about the chapter's character. This may be intentional. But it still raises the question of why I want to read about a generic chapter's generic battles. I barely like reading about my own, for that matter - you've got to make these guys interesting enough to be worth it.

 

Battles need to be important, they need to have meaning - most of this doesn't really seem to lead anywhere. The events aren't interesting enough of themselves to make us read, and the the chapter doesn't have enough detail to make us interested in them.

 

As always, my question is simple: What do you want?

 

(Don't worry. I work for the powers of Light. Honest. You won't end up with a weird squid on your neck if you answer me.)

 

Once I know what you want, I'll be in a much better position to help you get there.

[Leto Gallahad]

Thanks for reading, I wasn't really expecting a reply so soon.

 

^^; I should probably go back and re-read those codices to get a better idea of how to introduce my Chapter without going into battles detail.

 

I'll probably come back to this later once I figure out "what I want".

[Octavulg]

Couldn't hurt to look through the Librarium's Liber Astartes section (not to be confused with the part of the forum we're currently in). There's a lot of good IAs in there (and the Liber Honoros thread, stickied at the top of this very forum, will give you a bunch of them to choose from). Following the links in people's signatures also works well (I've got three IAs in mine, and then there's other people). And I mention a few in the Octaguide, which is linked in my sig (and which also may provide you with good advice). If you like what's being done with those, then we're well equipped to help you out.