Guardian Paru Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Chapter: Dragon Guard Founding: 26th founding Home world: Mechanicus Recovery/Investigatory Fleet #5150 • Mega Class Destroyer Furious Abyss II • Battle Barge Forgebreaker • Heavy Cruiser Truth’s Light • Plus additional support craft and forge ships Fleet #5150 goes to war torn planets and helps rebuild the infrastructure of the planet, refurbish manufactorums and help the planet regain their economic abilities. The Dragon Guard, Skitarii, and Mechanicum troopers help in this process in the form of security, extra labor and dealing with pockets of resistance left after the war is over. All a generous guise to what they are looking for. Gene-seed: unknown Combat doctrine: specialize in stealth and information gathering to obtain their objective, if needed they can perform any task needed from defending for prolonged periods of time or perform a long campaign. Battle History: Purge of khit IV, nnanhiitan Crusade, and the infiltration and destruction of the red handz Ork Clan Spacehulk. Organization: • HQ: Counsel of 11 which includes the four company Captains, Master Librarian Eiger, the chapter Master, two of the chapter’s dreadnaughts and the Guardians of the Dragon. • Troops: Tactical SM Squad, Mechanicum S troopers, SM scouts, Skitarii • Elite: Terminators, Veterans, Techmarines, Dreadnaughts, Praetorians • Fast Attack: Land Speeders, Assault squads, Bike squads • Heavy: Legio Titanus Minoris Knights, whirlwind, predator, annihilator class tanks Intro: They say the Holy order of the Inquisition saves trillions of lives of devoted citizens on the burning mountains of corpses numbering in the billions of lost and damned worlds throughout the imperium. That may be true. But what the Dragon Guard do is save the entire thing from coming apart at the seams just by hiding a secret. The cell is cold in the vacuum of space only anchored by the adamantium ribbon that keeps it in orbit around titan the headquarters of some of the bravest imperial servants the universe will scarcely know the grey knights and their more prestige’s handlers the Ordo Malleus. The anchor draws the cell towards the surface allowing the occupant to smile. “So where did the knights pick him up from?” Said a man “They found him near the eye of terror, lord. Inside an iron warriors escape pod” the acolyte replied “Well let’s see if we can find some answers from this astartes” The cell locks unto the bay and light floods the room a tactic to disorient the occupant. The cell is covered in promethium soot where unlucky souls have been purged by holy fire, silver etchings line the wall in high gothic warding to seal it from the warp. Inside the cell was an individual of incredible size to be a human but he was no ordinary human he was a space marine an angel of death born of the god emperor himself a genetically engineered killing machine. “Have the psykers checked of him any taint yet?” “Yes sir, they can find no trace of the warp on his mind but cannot dive far enough in to be sure if he is truly clean.” “I guess I’ll be the judge of that then.” The man enters the cell and approaches the astartes sitting on the ground legs folded in a meditation stance even while sitting on the ground the man is still only facing the marine head dead on. A calm reminder that gigantic body of the man before him could end his life in seconds. Then he noticed the marine was smiling. “Ah... Inquisitor Nyxos it's an honor to finally meet you in person.” Said the marine. “So my reputation exceeds me. What does a traitorous cur like you want from me and my knights?” “I wish you don’t use that word to address me ever again my lord.” “Aren’t you of the bastard legion the Iron warriors?” “Now who told you that rubbish?” “You were found in one of their escape pods were you not? “Aye but that’s inconclusive of me being a traitor.” “Alright why were you on an enemy vessel?” “Information...priceless information.” “What information?” The astartes grinned again and looked the inquisitor in the eyes like he was reading something in the devout mans soul and said “That’s classified.” Stay tuned for part two coming shortly Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/223097-dragon-gaurd/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrata Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Fleet #5150 goes to war torn planets and helps rebuild the infrastructure of the planet, refurbish manufactorums and help the planet regain their economic abilities. The Dragon Guard, Skitarii, and Mechanicum troopers help in this process in the form of security, extra labor and dealing with pockets of resistance left after the war is over. All a generous guise to what they are looking for. Seems like a little bit of a waste of resources here. Remember, you are playing with one in every thousand Astartes in the Imperium. You've got them doing hard labour and minor skirmishes :D It is a very interesting idea but it probably needs to be expanded upon to make it seem more believable. So, they aren't in one fleet but they take this role everywhere they go. Where other chapters may seek glory in assault worlds, the Dragon Guard focus on establishing strong defences, secure worlds and ensuring that the Imperium is fully in control. Think of them akin to the Ultramarines during the Great Crusade - able to leave behind a better planet and not just a compliant one. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/223097-dragon-gaurd/#findComment-2667544 Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantonWC Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 On offering criticism The Fine Grit Approach Most popular in the days of my youth on this forum, it now seems to be in relative decline. Criticism should attempt to be gentle, and try to accomodate the author and his wishes wherever possible. People aren't wrong - though they can be doing things that might be better not done, and can be told such. Alternatives should be offered at all times, and the author treated kindly and with every attempt to prevent him from losing confidence in his ideas. This approach has some advantages - it tends to be much easier on those who are insecure about their ideas (and there are many of those, especially among newer authors). It often tends to be more accomodating of moving outside the established fluff. Rarely do people get defensive when approached in this fashion. It also has some disadvantages - it tends to be quite nonconfrontational. While sometimes this is good, it can also lead to difficulties in explaining to authors just why they shouldn't do something - such admonishments always end with "but hey, it's your IA", which robs them of much of their weight. It's good for ironing out small problems, but confronting people over big ones is something that often ends up being more difficult than it needs to be because all negatives are tempered in order to rob them of their sting. People's feelings aren't hurt, but their results can be. The Rough Grit Approach The methodology that seems to be in relative ascendence at the moment, this tends to be much less accomodating to the individual author than the Fine Grit approach. Criticism should tell the truth, and if that truth hurts, so be it. People damn well are wrong, and when they are wrong they should be told such, while there's still opportunity for something to be done. Alternatives should be offered, but that's not as important as explaining what's wrong. The author should be treated fairly, but people writing about superhuman armies who slaughter millions can probably take a little criticism. This has some obvious advantages - it's direct, and people are never under the impression that something is acceptable when it really isn't. Problems are found and dealt with quickly and effectively. Oddly, I think this method can often encourage individual creativity more - offering people solutions can tend to focus them on those solutions, and a lot of people tend to prefer their own solutions anyway. However, it comes with serious disadvantages. Used carelessly, it can hurt people's feelings, discourage people from continuing with their IAs, and cause people to get defensive and react angrily to what are perceived as attacks on their IAs. It takes caution, and has blown up in my face on several occasions. There is also a tendency for some people to hide behind being 'strict' as an excuse for not paying particular attention to the feelings of the authors they are critiquing. I prefer the rough grit approach. Prepare for imminent scouring. Home world: Mechanicus Recovery/Investigatory Fleet #5150• Mega Class Destroyer Furious Abyss II • Battle Barge Forgebreaker • Heavy Cruiser Truth’s Light • Plus additional support craft and forge ships I have never heard of a mega class destroyer. and I can find no reference to a heaver cruiser class on Lexicanum. Are you making these up? It seems like you are giving these guys vessels that they aren't really supposed to have. Fleet #5150 goes to war torn planets and helps rebuild the infrastructure of the planet, refurbish manufactorums and help the planet regain their economic abilities. The Dragon Guard, Skitarii, and Mechanicum troopers help in this process in the form of security, extra labor and dealing with pockets of resistance left after the war is over. All a generous guise to what they are looking for. I'm with Ferrata on this. There are only a thousand Chapters, their sole purpose is to beat up bad guys and solve situations that ordinary men cannot. Lesser men can help rebuild the infrastructure of a planet, the Astartes are needed for more important tasks. Also, I am concerned that these Astartes are so closely tied to the Mechanicus. This is pretty close, if not an outright breach of the traditional separation of powers. Also, I never knew the Mechanicus would be nice enough to help rebuild worlds. Gene-seed: unknown No. No no no no no. Just no. I swear to high heaven, this unknown gene-seed fad is like a disease. Quote the sacred text of the Octaguide: The tenth source is unknown. I recommend against this, since unknown geneseed runs full-tilt into the wall of the Adeptus Mechanicus, who apparently can analyze gene-seed but can't compare it to other gene-seeds to work out its source. This seems a little...odd (though a better explanation is that the cogboys aren't talking). In any case, it generally comes across as laziness, an attempt to hide traitor geneseed, or an attempt to seem special. None of which are necessary. Legio Titanus Minoris Knights Now you're giving them Knights too? Hardware that no other Chapter has? That's all for now. CWC Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/223097-dragon-gaurd/#findComment-2667919 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Direach Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I am definitely more a 'fine grit' critic, but what CWC said goes for me as well (although 'heavy cruiser' used generically could mean grand cruiser or battlecruiser). You've got Astartes doing multiple jobs that they really aren't intended for, and tying them so closely to the Mechanicus is going completely in the face of established canon. Even the Iron Hands and the Sons of Medusa don't travel the Imperium with a Mechanicus fleet. The "Intro" section kind of fills me with dread, because it seems to suggest that the entire Imperium hangs on what your Chapter is guarding ("But what the Dragon Guard do is save the entire thing from coming apart at the seams just by hiding a secret"). Please reconsider this, it will utterly destroy any credibility you want to establish for your Chapter if they are somehow tied to the Dragon of Mars (which appears to be where you're going with this), or that they alone are the saviours of everything. Also, take a moment to correct the spelling of 'Guard' in your Topic. :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/223097-dragon-gaurd/#findComment-2668001 Share on other sites More sharing options...
soddinnutter Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I like the theme of rebuilding. It's somewhere between Crusade era Ultramariens and the Imperial Fists. Only way they could be that close to the Machine God is for them to be the children of Ferrus Manus or Vulkan. Of the two i would recommend Vulkan, as it sounds like your chapter is going to have to interact with humanity quite a lot. It strikes me as the Promethean Cult on an industrial scale. Instead of teaching the mundanes to stand on their own two feet they are teaching planets to be self sufficient. And the mechanicus is more fractious then they outwardly appear. So there is probably a s sub-order that specialises in rebuilding broken humanity IN THE NAME OF THE MACHINE-GOD! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/223097-dragon-gaurd/#findComment-2668028 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Ignis Domus Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Home world: Mechanicus Recovery/Investigatory Fleet #5150• Mega Class Destroyer Furious Abyss II • Battle Barge Forgebreaker • Heavy Cruiser Truth’s Light • Plus additional support craft and forge ships The Furious Abyss was, and probably is, the largest Imperial ship ever produced. Considering the resources necessary, as while as the bad things associated with the name, I doubt they would make a second one. And if they did, why would they give it to your chapter? That's a whole lot of power, enough to nearly destroy much of the Ultramar system. I would simply make them fleet-based, and maybe give them an upgraded barge. Many fleet-based chapters do that. Fleet #5150 goes to war torn planets and helps rebuild the infrastructure of the planet, refurbish manufactorums and help the planet regain their economic abilities. The Dragon Guard, Skitarii, and Mechanicum troopers help in this process in the form of security, extra labor and dealing with pockets of resistance left after the war is over. All a generous guise to what they are looking for. Marines are not MP's. Nor are they construction workers. When you only have a thousand chapters, why would you waste one on this? I might try making them the force that comes in and recaptures a world, then the colonisation fleet comes in and does its magic. Gene-seed: unknown What does this add to your chapter? Why do you need it? It is very unlikely that the Mechanicus would lose all data about geneseed, and if they did, logical reasoning could narrow it down by a lot. Also, isn't a giant, super-powered demigod much cooler than seven letters? Battle History: Purge of khit IV, nnanhiitan Crusade, and the infiltration and destruction of the red handz Ork Clan Spacehulk. What were these battles? Also, be wary with the crusade. Your chapter was founded in 738.M41. It takes a while to build up to a full strength chapter, and even then, crusades will often last for hundreds of years. An easy solution would be to pick an earlier founding, as 1) the 26th isn't a critical part of your chapter, and 2) older foundings are better in my opinion. Organization:• HQ: Counsel of 11 which includes the four company Captains, Master Librarian Eiger, the chapter Master, two of the chapter’s dreadnaughts and the Guardians of the Dragon. Who are the Guardians of the Dragon? • Troops: Tactical SM Squad, Mechanicum S troopers, SM scouts, Skitarii • Elite: Terminators, Veterans, Techmarines, Dreadnaughts, Praetorians • Fast Attack: Land Speeders, Assault squads, Bike squads • Heavy: Legio Titanus Minoris Knights, whirlwind, predator, annihilator class tanks You seem to be going into an army list here. Always, Always, keep fluff separate from rules. Intro: They say the Holy order of the Inquisition saves trillions of lives of devoted citizens on the burning mountains of corpses numbering in the billions of lost and damned worlds throughout the imperium. That may be true. But what the Dragon Guard do is save the entire thing from coming apart at the seams just by hiding a secret. The cell is cold in the vacuum of space only anchored by the adamantium ribbon that keeps it in orbit around titan the headquarters of some of the bravest imperial servants the universe will scarcely know the grey knights and their more prestige’s handlers the Ordo Malleus. The anchor draws the cell towards the surface allowing the occupant to smile. 1. Short stories don't belong in an IA. If you want critique on that, there happens to exist the Short Stories section of the Librarium. Also, try not to make your marines supermarines. They definitely do not need to be the only thing holding the Imperium together. That would be the Emperor. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/223097-dragon-gaurd/#findComment-2668166 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guardian Paru Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 Thank you all for your comments and critiques first- off I should have placed the fluff in the short story section sorry for that second -this type of army list is based around the daemon hunters army style of compliling multiple army listings but the main force is the marines third- if any of you read the horus heresy book mechanicus you would know what the gaurdians of the dragon are and what that secret is Finally fourth- I am not trying to make these guys into "movie marines" of epic prowess but to show that with there ties with this mechanicus branch they have "modifications" This is a custom army style that when I'm done will use substitutions for what I'm using and i meant grand cruiser just going with the mechanicum dull sounding name for a ship class Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/223097-dragon-gaurd/#findComment-2668640 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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