Sanguinary Crusaders (Edited)

[Dualhammers]

Question.

 

Why should we assist you with your IA by providing detailed advice when you go around insulting other people on their IA threads?

[Ace Debonair]

Question.

 

Why should we assist you with your IA by providing detailed advice when you go around insulting other people on their IA threads?

Now now, let's keep it civil, ladies and gents.

 

Everyone's entitled to ask for and recieve help on this forum. We're all equals.

 

So let's get back to the business of being constructive and helping each other write the best IA's we can.

[Arkangilos]

I did not mean for it to sound bad on the other forum. Again, I apologize for that.

[Dualhammers]

I can accept that - I'm used to a far more rough and tumble crowd in other 40k Forums. I am sorry for overreacting.

 

I will look over your chapter and give you some comments tonight.

[Arkangilos]

I apologize for incorrect spelling in my IA, btw.

[Riconas]

Ok, here are my thoguhts:

 

• Blood Angels Successors - nice. :P
   
  
• I like the general idea of the Chapter, though I may be inclined to agree that sending them in so many different directions seems a bit unusual, and for good reason; as was stated previously, the main focus of most (if not all) Astartes Chapters is to protect the Imperium from its many enemies, which is usually enough to keep them fairly busy. It's definitely feasible for them to set out to look for a given relic (or possibly more than one), or even to accidentally find one without expecting to, but for that to be the sole purpose for even a single company, let alone an entire chapter, is so utterly different than what the other chapters do that it can be unbelievable; it's going to need some very careful thought behind it. Not saying it's a bad idea, just that it's so radically different that it might require some extra work in the details to make it work.
   
  
• The organisation is interesting; having entire companies dedicated to various goals is neat, but also tricky to set up, especially with one entire company being devoted to finding the cure for the Flaw (that's a LOT of Space Marines not fighting, unless their search for the cure involves killing waves of enemies, which it certainly could).
   
  
• Having each company Captain with their own tactics is a neat idea, one that would actually make sense, as long as those tactics are in line with the beliefs and doctrines of the Chapter, and as long as the composition of each company suits the tactics of the Captain.
   
  
• The IA itself could do with some proofreading, but that's mainly for spelling and grammar, and isn't a bad thing at all, as long as the ideas are expressed clearly enough for people to understand.
  

 

All-in-all, a unique and interesting idea, but one that might perhaps need a bit of tweaking still; and this isn't necessarily a bad thing; I actually have 2 separate threads I've started regarding my IA: one with several ideas that ended up not working out, and another with my actual IA that I finally worked out through the modification of my previous ideas. So just keep at it, and before long you'll see your IA coming together. ;)

[Arkangilos]

Starting back up on this, made a few edits already, will continue making edits, and looking for some suggestions on how to explain what I have and maybe improve it without changing the idea.

[CantonWC]

I will try my hand.

 

However, their means of doing this came in the form of crusading for relics, and to prevent the powers of the relics falling into the hands of the chaos and xenos.

 

Erm, I... don't get this?

 

the Sanguinary Crusaders swore that they would always have one full company dedicated to searching for the cure.

 

I don't get this. Why would you need a whole battle ready Company to search for a cure when this sort of thing falls under the province of the Apothecaries?

 

The chapters fleet was small, and had only a few strike cruisers due to some logistical errors in the creation of the chapter, though the same errors had blessed them with an unusual amount of heavy weaponry and flamers.

 

Don't get this either. Yes, the Administratum can be infamous for various logistical blunders, but the Space Marines are among the Imperium's most prominent and powerful military institutions. If they need something, they get it, especially if it's something as important as ships.

 

Imvida II

 

I don't know, this whole sequence seems a bit far-fetched.

 

It is said that he uttered these words as he took the shot, "These bastards never learn, you never go into battle without your helmet on."

 

Ugh. This is an incredibly heavy handed and eye roll inducing way to lampshade GW's unfortunate tendency to send their characters heroically into battle without a helm on, in defiance of all common sense. I was half-expecting a laugh track or for the loyalist Astartes to start commending their commanding officer for such a witty remark. In short: cut.

 

Because the Sanguinary Crusaders were instrumental to the holding of Invida II, the Mechanicus awarded them with a recovered, but unowned, battlebarge, known as the Leviticus, as well as a manufacturing ship.

 

Really, the whole sequence is kind of superfluous just to get them assets that they should have had at the beginning. You could say, "We were there at Imvida II, we kicked arse, we got the goods" and get roughly the same effect. Or just give them what they need to begin with and avoid the whole problem.

 

The planet would also prove to be a perfect training ground. The wasted area around the Fortress, The Desert of Fire, matched the deserts of Baal. On the second continent, there were the Death Jungles and Toxic Swamps. To the south of the Fortress lie the Ruined City, and to the far north lie the Arctic Wastes. All of these provided harsh training in differant environements.

 

Erm, I would reword or throw out. This part sounds like you are describing some open world video game.

 

However, they have 8 full battle companies (which also try to keep to the codex).

 

I've never understood the fascination with having 10 Battle Companies or 8 or whatever number. We have reserve Companies for a reason you know.

 

As often as possible, the Sanguinary Crusaders attempt to keep the ratio of recruits to marines 1 to 1, but this is not often possible

 

1,000 recruits? I don't think that's possible for any Chapter.

 

The Sanguinary Crusaders have many close allies, but none so close as the Frost Wolves, a "rumored" successor of the Space Wolves.

 

You could just cut this whole thing or put it in a sidebar. I don't really see the point of this section.

 

What's up with the Inquisitor? He seems incredibly shifty, but he disappears by the end of the story. And it seems like the Guard he was commanding would really want to frag him after the meatgrinder he put them through. Also, you don't mention the artifact they were trying to find, the whole point of the crusade, until near the end of the section.

 

Fleet: Battlebarge Leviticus, Battlebarge Wrath of Tibernius, Battlebarge Hope of the Imperium, Battlebarge Wrath of Blood

10 strike cruisers

 

You told us you have a small fleet, but this is pretty massive for a Chapter not of the 1st or 2nd Foundings.

 

That's all for now.

 

CWC

[Leonaides]

4 battlebarges, enough space for 2200-odd marines, thats pretty massive full stop.