IA: The Astral Swords

[embalancer]

Authors Notes: Ok here is the second draft I will add the history that shapes the chapter at a later date when my urge to sleep isn't quite so strong - hopefully this will deal with some of the criticisms of the first draft

Faith is our shield, knowledge our sword

Founded during the age of Forging at the height of the Imperium’s power, the Astral Swords were originally tasked with hunting out the enemies of the Imperium eventually were given to standing vigil over the Weeping Star. A duty they have not waved from in over six millennia. In the long fires of war they have learnt the value of patience and knowledge and have been forged into cautious and scholarly chapter. However secrets lie within the heart of the chapter, secrets which were known would threaten to destroy the chapter from within.

Terminator Armour

Within the Annals of the Astral Swords great librarium there are many legends of this battle. From the Ancient Tyberius who was able to fell three wraithlords before withdrawing for repair and then returned to the fray and held a sky bridge for 18 hours on his own before he could be reinforced. Or how the Reaper Squad unleashed round after round of bolter and heavy bolter fire in the Artisans Hall and ended up making a barricade with the many broken bodies of fallen Eldar, but even the terrifying power of an entire chapter could not overwhelm the force of an entire craftworld who’s passions were raised with the invasion of their home and slowly inch by inch did the Astral Swords lines fall back but not without making the Eldar pay a heavy price for each step.

It was in the hall of the webway that disaster for the Eldar struck as a Farseer came to protect this strategic point and was faced down by the librarian Xavier Jacalus. Jacalus was a young librarian and knew he was no match for the Farseer and had to draw deep into the warp to barely match the Farseer, but he delved too deep and with the Farseer’s runes of warding he lost control and the warp bleed into reality. The result was that a deamon prince of Tzeentch burst forth onto the craftworld. Its birth scream echoed in the warp crippling many of the Eldar and all but the strongest Librarians. With a glance he had bound Jacalus for though his instinct was to wipe him from existence he knew that he was the tether that kept him on the material realm.

At the sight of the daemon the Farseer set upon the daemon in both the physical and spiritual realm with each blow causing great shockwaves in each. It was one of these shockwaves from when both combatants unleash eldritch energies against each other that the shockwave managed to shatter the psychic wards of webway. With the wards broken the webway now become a warp rift and legions of deamons spilled into the craftworld.

The Eldar knew their craftworld, their home was doomed. They caught between two fronts knew they were doomed and on coming hordes of deamons pressed the Eldar back they fell onto the immovable line of the Astartes who held their line but instead turned their fury upon the daemons instead. Swooping hawk and Assault marine took to the skies together. Devastators and Dark Reapers poured unimaginable fury upon the spawn of the warp. Librarians and Warlocks unleashed the fury of the warp side by side little by little the daemons were pushed back into the warp but at a great cost.

Little remained of the once glorious Craftworld and was turned to little more than a floating hulk with its glorious tower collapsed and the gardens of paradise corrupted. It was decided that the craftworld would disperse. Most scattered to several exocite worlds hidden within the sector. The Exarches of the Warrior shrines went to join their phoenix lords. Man that remained joined the path of the mariner and joined what remained of the Kes-El Battlefleet that became he terrifying corsair fleet the vengeful wanders who worrying hold 3 Void Dragon class battleships and take up a great deal of chapters fleet resources along with the battlefleet Tertic.

Those that were left became rangers that still plague the sector and more than happy to help the enemies of the chapter vowing revenge not only for destroying their home but plundering it as well as during the battle the librarians plundered the great halls of knowledge located within the craftworld collecting tomes and relics of great power.

But the battle had not been kind to Astral Swords as their numbers were significantly weakened and spent the next couple of centuries rebuilding their numbers, as the warp storms of the Age of Apostasy had made warp travel all but impossible to do safely but when they were seen again their Librarians were forever changed into the sigil wielders seen today.

The Runeguard

One of the early ways the Astral Swords deviated from other Blood Angels chapters is that their Sanguinary Guard come under the use of the Librarium. It was during the Battle of Hammerfall Ridge during the second Nez encounter that all twelve of the Sanguinary Guards were killed. At a time when the numbers of veterans were few there were none that felt they were worth of the honour.

The only candidates suitable for the position were Epistolaries of the Librarium, which took up the duty and enhancing the already powerful psychic wards that were powered by their psychic talents and gaining powerful force weaponry from what they learnt from the armouries at Kydros Keep. They became a terrible force of destruction to behold.

Each Runeguard hold knowledge of one of the twelve high sigils. The high Sigils are the most powerful enochian sigils known to the Librarians of the Astral Swords

Usually the each guard is assigned to a company with the two most powerful serving as agents of the chief librarian. They’re primary role for several millennia has been to seek out and destroy leaders and champions of the opposing army. Be it a Chaos Lord, a Warboss or a Farseer. But recently they have sought the role of interdiction against the Tyranids strike at all the known synapse creatures to disrupt their attacks.

They usually they fight on their own it is not unknown for all twelve of the Runeguard to fight together as a single unit. When this happens there is little that stands in their way of their fury.

”What makes assaulting the Eternal Sentinel a suicidal prospect is not the vast array of weapon batteries but the awesome wrath of those that dwell within its armoured bulkheads”

T

he original Fortress-Monastery for the Astral Blades was the Battle barge Sanguinus’s Light however this became crippled during the battle of Velgnars Rift so it was decided that they would use the ancient vessel as the back bone for the Space fortress the Eternal Sentinel which is based on the outskirts of the Arcadurus system in the Ultima Segmentum which holds the frozen Hive world Ketarian and the Agri world Pilgrims Bowl. The system is close by to several worlds which are seen as strategic to the subsector.

The fortress itself is considered a thing of great craftsmanship designed by the legendary Magos Morkal-Tel he was able to use the now defunct warp engines to power up the vast array of lance and weapon batteries and no one with anything short of a battle fleet would consider assaulting it.

The Eternal Sentiinel orbits the dead world of Kestra which is now wholey under the domain of the Astral Blades and during the age of Apostasy when the system spent decades cut off by warp storms vast underground caverns were dug and the Magos of the Mechanicus created various environments for the Astral Blades to train in and once the warp storms cleared they brought some of the deadliest life forms from nearby sectors to populate the various environments.

”Yes my lord I know you feel this force will not be enough to stop this eldar raid but in the correct places I assure we’ll have them in full retreat before the day is out” – Librarian Yulzal talking to Inquisitor Morkal at Beloya

T

he Chapter is mostly based along the lines Codex Astartes, with 10 companies with the veterans in the 1st 4 battle companies, 4 reserve companies and a scout company. However due to the chapter’s long and bloody history the chapter has deviated from the standard Codex Astartes in several ways. Due to a series of engagements with what turned out to be a heretical Ivaanstan Inquisitor in M35 the chapter lost 3 chapter masters in the space succumbed to the black rage in the space of 8 months and it was decided that a secret council would be set up so that the chapter could quickly recover from the loss of one of their great leaders. The council is made up of Captains, Veteran Sergeants, Chaplain, Librarians and Techmarines but the identity of those in the council is secret and known only to each other. But for diplomatic or official communication they use the unknown king which on the chapter masters throne lays the body of a broken and forgotten Astral Blade in the armoured sarcophagus of a Dreadnaught that is damaged beyond repair and only the life support systems now work when he speaks he speaks for the chapter.

The second difference is the high number of librarians in the chapter which rarely less than 50 due to close bond with the Scholastia Psykana they always have a steady supply of psychic aspirants also though they are called librarians they are closer to the Rune Priests of Fenris as they focus their powers through powerful runes from the knowledge of that was gained from Fenris , the tomes they gained from Kes-El combined with other esoteric lore they’ve gained from the assault at Kydros Keep and Mekelvar the librarians formed their own style of runes which they call enochian or the high tongue.

Apart from maintaining the chapter’s vast librarium, librarians spend a large portion of their time researching a possible cure for the black rage that plagues them and their sanguine brothers. This may mean searching long forgotten data tombs or following up whispers of relics from the Dark Age of technology or through auguries hoping that one day the Emperor will gift them information that will lead to their ultimate salvation. This scholarly approach has lead to the chapter forging strong links with the Adeptus Mechanicus and the sisters of the Order Dialogous that are based at Kydros Keep

“Never forget that we are sons of Sanguinius. Now let us show these Orks what that means” – Chaplian Meatral Tareian just before the Battle of Kadush

T

he Astral Blades are decedents of Sanguinius and as such suffer from the curse of the red thirst and black rage. However due to the monastic nature and enhanced hypno-indoctrination each marine of the Astral Blades possess a stubborn willpower to rival either the Imperial Fists or the Dark Angels.

But it is because of this and the humouring of the red thirst that not only is their death company a lot smaller than other Blood Angels successor but also that the degradation of the gene seed is less as well, but they know that time is their ultimate foe and that their ultimate goal to cure the curse.

Faith is our shield, Knowledge our sword

[Dualhammers]

I am new at this, so I am going to focus on general writing tips rather than in-depth War40k Lore – although I may hit upon that too. Please realize none of this is meant to be an insult - I just want you to write the best IA you can.

 

Founded when the Imperium was still it infancy the Astral Blades have a long and proud history of protecting the Imperium from the Mutant, the Alien and the Heretic. The area they were deployed in was rife with powerful psychic xenos and under the baleful gaze of a small warp rift. The chapter has had turn to their Librarians to combat these threats for using their foresight and unleashing their will upon the battlefield, but also to the chapter’s ultimate goal – finding a cure to the flaw that haunts all sons of Sanguinius.

 

This isn't a very interesting opener, it is vague and generic.

 

This is very generic, and it seems to walk the border on some of 'don'ts' of the DIY guides. First off, the closer you get to the 2nd founding the more likely you are to trample on toes and to give your chapter for too much importance. Importance is different from interesting - your chapter doesn't need to be the oldest most important Chapter to be a good read.

 

Secondly, why was your chapter founded? What was it's purpose - why was this Space Marine Chapter founded. If their reason is the same as their goal, that is to cure the Curse then I have no idea why they would split off in the first place as the original chapters have the same goals.

 

With the Imperium only finished with the scourging a couple of centuries ago, this new empire was still very fragile especially after Abaddon launched his first black crusade. The Astral Blades were given charge of looking after the Tertic sector which was home to the Eldar of the craftworld Kas-El which were a militant craftworld who saw humanity as bad a plague on the galaxy as the Orks who should have been wiped out, the Nez an ancient xenos race that were all powerful psykers, but also the minor warp rift – the weeping star.

 

This is a run-on sentence, by leaps and bounds. You have three very distinct subjects here each are major points of interest in this sector. You need to chop this up and focus on each individually or cut some of them out. Also, large asides about the views or opinions of one group are generally awkward, especially in a list.

 

The Nez were a xeno race who’s numbers were few and armies relied mostly on soulless automatons but the Nez themselves were powerful psykers who fired devastating psychic blades.

 

This is poor sentence construction and the subject is also problematic. I see several issues here. First off, 'Devestating psychic blades' is very cheesy on it's own. Second, you introduce a lot of questions that you don't explain in the rest of the paragraph. My biggest is – why, if they have crazy psychic powers that can devestate space marines and have almost no counter, do they need soulless automatons (see Necrons) to fight for them? Finally, how did the Eldar Survive these crazy powerful Psychic Blade wielders?

 

My general advice for this is you don't need to make up new alien races to come up with a compelling story – in fact all it does is add more complexity to your job to telling a good story and unless done right will just add more plot holes and confusion. If you want these Space Marines to have a focus on fighting Psykers, just use one of the established races.

 

It was then that several librarians changed the order of the librarian. The first was a young codicier called Xavier Jacalus. Jacalus was a skilled and studious warrior but never had the raw natural talent to make it past the ranks of codicier. So he realised that the chapter need to do two things if it was to win it’s war with the Nez firstly they need away to crate stronger librarians and secondly there need to be a way to create more of them. 

 

So he doesn't have enough talent to become a full Librarian but somehow he alone figures out how to solve the Chapter's problems? This doesn't sit right. Creating an interesting character, especially one that does profoundly important things requires more than a two-sentence description of their character and a much more plausible explanation for any issues they have. I am not saying create a character that is completely BA – good characters always have flaws – but make sure that the flaws are believable. You could still work with this character and allow this no-talent character help save the Chapter, but it is going to take a lot more explanation and a lot of literary skill to accomplish.

 

Without hesitation the Astral Blades came to the Black Ships aid and once the last was repelled Jacalus stated that in thanks for saving the ancient vessel and not letting untrained psykers become the play things of chaos that the Astral Blades test all the males under 10 to see if they were compatible with the seed of Sanguinius.

 

Ok, I am not great student of the Lexicanum but I know enough about the Inquisition to know that no one orders them around. Why the heck would the iIquisition just give up a ton of psykers, especially to a young chapter with no great claim to fame – I say no claim because you have not mentioned any. Also, remember that it is the Space Marines job to product the people and resources of the Emperor, and they require no thanks because service is thanks enough to them. These two reasons make it seem extremely unlikely to me that the Inquisition would just give them psykers, and it seems like a lazy plot device.

 

Out of the 25,000 on board the Black Ship only 379 were selected to be taken for aspirant trials and even then it is believed they would have thought on 40 would have gone on to be librarians, but on route the chaos raiders attacked the strike cruiser and caused it to crash in the hive world of Xelktelar.

 

Awkward sentence.

 

The strike cruiser plunged to the hazardous depths of the underhive, the boys were released from stasis dazed and confused with a telepathic sending from the dying Jacalus before he went into suspended animation to get to the top of the underhive.

 

Awkward run-on and confusing. Why does Jacalus need to go into suspended animation to get to the top of the underhive? Was he trying to tell the initiates to get to the top of the underhive as a warning? It's confusing.

 

So the boys made it through the perilous underhive surviving by nothing more than their wits as they fought off hive gangs, mutants and the unspeakable horrors that lurked in the base of the Hive. 

 

Too much explained away in a single sentence. Lazy storytelling.

 

 

Luckily for them a recovery squad arrived led by none other than the Chief Librarian Zelkadin Thuli. It was said that within three steps he obliterated four entire hive gangs and managed heal and revive Jacalus to gather up most of the surviving boys and found that to his surprise that there were 150 still remaining and of these 43 eventually became librarians and included Barthalmus the Wrathful, Eldest Khan – The Ritual breaker, Teratist of Morkoldon who ended up as the chief librarian just short of a millennium and help stabilize the reform and Zerticus Freeman who started the reform. 

 

Two things here. First, the arrival of the Chief Librarian seems too much like a deus ex machina – Who is he, and why would the Chief Librarian come on a recovery mission? You also never mention him again, even though the focus of this story seems to be on Librarians. Why?

 

You also then go on to mention two separate characters – Barthalmus and Eldest Khan – who sound like interesting characters that you never mention again. Don't create throwaway characters unless they are totally useless. Random Space Marine X is fine, but name dropping major heroes in the life of your chapter and then never explaining only discourages the reader.

 

Also, you mention how people affected the reform event before explaining what the reform is. The transition is extremely abrupt and it is a awkward ordering of subjects. My suggestion is mention their names and then say something like “who were both instrumental in a pivotal moment in the chapter's history, known as The Reform.”

 

 

 

The reform was the second most significant of the librarium’s deviation from the codex...

 

What was the first most significant? Little details like that will distract the focus of the reader from what you've written to what you've not written, and not in a way that is helpful.

 

 

So the librarians delved deep into the text of the chapters Librarium and sought a way to increase their power without resorting to sorcery or genomancy. It was when dealing with a Chaos incursion on the Yuthal Planes that the Librarian Zerticus Freeman saw a farseer with the power of her rune stones that the farseer protected herself from the wrath from a cabal of Obliterators and managed to turn the warp against the chaos sorcerers that were near her.

 

Couple things this raises.

 

1. If they were a codex chapter why would they find information to make Librarians more powerful in their Librarium? You would think that a codex chapter Library wouldn't carry any unsanctioned information, and since you have never mentioned their Library before I can only assume it is very generic.

2. You mention an Eldar using Runes. I checked the Lexicanum and this is what it says about runes:

 

'Rune Priests do not differ from Codex Librarians in their traditional roles but in their methods. They believe that their psychic powers are not a manipulation of the Warp, but derived from the living energy of their homeworld Fenris which can be channeled through totems and runes on their armor.2 3 4 This practice of psychic powers is carried out through the shamanistic rituals of the Fenrisian native tribes and has remained unchanged for countless centuries.3 4

 

Why would an Eldar being using Runes – assuming the Runes are the same Runes as those Space Wolves use – if the Rune derives its power from the planet of Fenris?

 

If the Runes are not like the one's used by the Space Wolves then why would they consider using Xenos technology? If they did, what would the inquisition – who just gave them a ton of psykers – have to say?

 

But fate intervened again for Freeman as the Planet Vortoc IV requested the Space Wolves aid to battle their arch foes the Thousand Sons and after the Jerik Valley Massacre the Space Wolves numbers were few especially amongst the ranks of the mighty rune priests and offered his aid ordinarily the wolves would have seen this as a slur on their honour but they had been humbled recently by the massacre and they were too low on rune priest to turn down a librarian’s aid. 

 

 

Major issues.

1. The Space Wolves are fiercely independent and extremely insular, and not easily given over to asking for help unless it is truly of grave need. Are you implying the entire Space Wolves chapter went to war and got their butts kicked? This is the only way I can see them being so depleted as to ask for help from someone they threatened to blow up.

 

2. It seems like another lazy plot device to say Freeman just happened to be totally awesome and 'equal the might of the Rune Priests.' Especially since he went to them looking for ways to make him and his fellow Librarians more powerful.

 

Freeman returned to the Chapter at a time that the chapter was deeply embroiled in the seers war with the Eldar of the Kas-El craftworld the war was fought more as a strange dance of strategic deployments rather than combat.

 

This is an awkward sentence and the part about the strange dance seems superfluous.

 

 

For each side was gifted in the art of foresight and could see what the other was planning there were times though when the weeping star was particularly active and the gift was diminished and the two sides would engage in combat. 

Another awkward sentence.

Freeman began to become a feared being amongst the seers of the craftworld for their runes of warding seemed not to affect him and he was instrumental in defeating it’s avatar of Khaine in the city of Oaarvol and with each warlock defeated and witchblade captured the chapter learnt more about psychic runes. 

 

Why was he not affected? Is it because of the basic skills he learnd from the Space Wolves? That seems a stretch. Also, again, why would this Chapter make a habit of studying and learning from Xenos technology if they are a close to Codex chapter? It seems like if they are doing this much study of Xenos magic that the Inquisiton would have shown up and gotten pretty pissed, but you don't mention that at all.

 

Due to a series of engagements with what turned out to be a heretical Ivaanstan Inquisitor in M35 the chapter lost 3 chapter masters in the space of 8 months to assassins and it was decided that a secret council would be set up so that the chapter could quickly recover from the loss of one of their great leaders.

 

It takes centuries to train Chapter Masters – losing 3 in 8 months is absolutely absurd.

 

Just before the age of Apostasy the Weeping Star caused a great wave in the warp that turned out to be a calm before the warp storm that swallowed the region for the age, but the wave seemed to disrupt the ward of concealment around the craftworld and now the chapter knew the base of their enemy. 

The librarians of the chapter proposed a method to destroy the craftworld to rid themselves of one the most prevalent threats to the sector.

 

If the entire sector is going to be covered in a warp storm why are they trying to destroy the Craftworld? More than likely the Craftworld will be devastated by an age of isolation. Doesn't it make more sense for the Chapter to being to relocate while trying to seal the Eldar in? Or perhaps focus on evacuating Imperial Citizens?

 

Within the Annals of the Astral Blades great librarium there are many legends of this battle. From the Ancient Tyberius who was able to fell three wraithlords before withdrawing for repair and then returned to the fray and held a sky bridge for 18 hours on his own before he could be reinforced. Or how the Reaper Squad unleashed round after round of bolter and heavy bolter fire in the Artisans Hall and ended up making a barricade with the many broken bodies of fallen eldar, but even the terrifying power of an entire chapter could not overwhelm the force of an entire craftworld who’s passions were raised with the invasion of their home and slowly inch by inch did the Astral Swords lines fall back but not without making the Eldar pay a heavy price for each step. 

 

Then in the confusion Jacalus struck. Firstly the Death Company marines were teleported into a critical junction far behind the Eldar lines. The death company Marines feared nothing and with stood blows that would have felled a normal marine and with their power claws tore at any eldar within arms reach and carved a bloody path of destruction behind them. This distraction allowed Jacalus to teleport on the other side of the craftworld and he made his way to the main webway portal. Too late did the seers of the Eldar realise Jacalus’s plan and it was all they could do was watch as they say the librarian forced his will into Foe Splitter and shatter the psychic wards of webway. With the wards broken the webway now become a warp rift and legions of deamons spilled into the craftworld. 

 

The craftworld Eldar caught between two fronts knew they were doomed and on coming hordes of deamons pressed the Eldar back they fell onto the immovable line of the Astartes who held their line while the librarians plundered the great halls of knowledge located within the craftworld and the leaders of Kas-El craftworld then took the fateful decision to pilot their craftworld into the nearby star. With this the Astral Blades finished their plundering and left but their numbers were significantly weakened and spent the next couple of centuries rebuilding their numbers.

 

This section seems really absurd to me. The reasoning for this battle is flimsy and the way Jacalus just happens to disappear and reappear at the right moment to win the battle seems unbelievable. Also, ripping a hole in a Webway to release demons into the Materium? That was their plan? How is that even remotely a good idea? Why, also, would the Edlar just decide to give up and commit sucide? Finally why, again, are Space Marines just going around stealing Xenos knowledge and using it without the Inquisition getting upset?

 

Though the rangers of the craftworld still plague the sector and more than happy to help the enemies of the chapter and what remains of the craftworld’s fleet became the terrifying corsair fleet the vengeful wanders who worrying hold 3 Void Dragon class battleships and take up a great deal of chapters fleet resources along with the battlefleet Tertic.

 

I thought that the entire Sector was being swallowed up in a warp storm? Why is the Sector still around? How did any of the Eldar escape flying their planet into a star? This part is full of plot holes and seems really unnecessary.

 

 

I will go through the rest later, as it is getting late and I need to hit the sack, but thus far I can make a few general points.

 

1. You are trying to do too much in too small a space. You don't have to share 50 different stories of total of crazy battles to make your Chapter interesting. Consider the Ice Lords tale in the Librarium. It chronicles a very short portion of the Chapter's history, and the story itself is about a very small amount of time but it is still great storytelling. Your choices are either make it much longer to give all these different tales their proper space or cut it down and cover one specific aspect. I suggest doing the latter.

2. You need to focus on your grammar – a lot of your sentences are really struggling and need to be revisited.

3. You said in the beginning that this draft is a general concept – well what I see is a lot more specific than a general concept. That being said, I think you're going to have to go back and trim a lot of this which is a shame since it probably took awhile to write. It is better to go from the general to the specific rather than writing so much intricate detail that ultimately has to be thrown out.

[NightrawenII]

2. You mention an Eldar using Runes. I checked the Lexicanum and this is what it says about runes:

 

'Rune Priests do not differ from Codex Librarians in their traditional roles but in their methods. They believe that their psychic powers are not a manipulation of the Warp, but derived from the living energy of their homeworld Fenris which can be channeled through totems and runes on their armor.2 3 4 This practice of psychic powers is carried out through the shamanistic rituals of the Fenrisian native tribes and has remained unchanged for countless centuries.3 4

 

Why would an Eldar being using Runes – assuming the Runes are the same Runes as those Space Wolves use – if the Rune derives its power from the planet of Fenris?

 

If the Runes are not like the one's used by the Space Wolves then why would they consider using Xenos technology? If they did, what would the inquisition – who just gave them a ton of psykers – have to say?

Eldar are using runes... Linky

 

I don't have time right now, but... I will return - told in menacing voice.

[Dualhammers]

2. You mention an Eldar using Runes. I checked the Lexicanum and this is what it says about runes:

 

'Rune Priests do not differ from Codex Librarians in their traditional roles but in their methods. They believe that their psychic powers are not a manipulation of the Warp, but derived from the living energy of their homeworld Fenris which can be channeled through totems and runes on their armor.2 3 4 This practice of psychic powers is carried out through the shamanistic rituals of the Fenrisian native tribes and has remained unchanged for countless centuries.3 4

 

Why would an Eldar being using Runes – assuming the Runes are the same Runes as those Space Wolves use – if the Rune derives its power from the planet of Fenris?

 

If the Runes are not like the one's used by the Space Wolves then why would they consider using Xenos technology? If they did, what would the inquisition – who just gave them a ton of psykers – have to say?

Eldar are using runes... Linky

 

I don't have time right now, but... I will return - told in menacing voice.

 

Right, but then that means it is probably a very different type of Rune from the Runes of Space Wolves - possibly even derived from a different power source.

[embalancer]

I don't have time right now, but... I will return - told in menacing voice.

 

*gulp* be gental with me

 

Founded when the Imperium was still it infancy the Astral Blades have a long and proud history of protecting the Imperium from the Mutant, the Alien and the Heretic. The area they were deployed in was rife with powerful psychic xenos and under the baleful gaze of a small warp rift. The chapter has had turn to their Librarians to combat these threats for using their foresight and unleashing their will upon the battlefield, but also to the chapter’s ultimate goal – finding a cure to the flaw that haunts all sons of Sanguinius.

 

This isn't a very interesting opener, it is vague and generic.

 

This is very generic, and it seems to walk the border on some of 'don'ts' of the DIY guides. First off, the closer you get to the 2nd founding the more likely you are to trample on toes and to give your chapter for too much importance. Importance is different from interesting - your chapter doesn't need to be the oldest most important Chapter to be a good read.

 

Secondly, why was your chapter founded? What was it's purpose - why was this Space Marine Chapter founded. If their reason is the same as their goal, that is to cure the Curse then I have no idea why they would split off in the first place as the original chapters have the same goals.

 

I do agree it is a bit generic and is being rectified

 

The Nez were a xeno race who’s numbers were few and armies relied mostly on soulless automatons but the Nez themselves were powerful psykers who fired devastating psychic blades.

 

This is poor sentence construction and the subject is also problematic. I see several issues here. First off, 'Devestating psychic blades' is very cheesy on it's own. Second, you introduce a lot of questions that you don't explain in the rest of the paragraph. My biggest is – why, if they have crazy psychic powers that can devestate space marines and have almost no counter, do they need soulless automatons (see Necrons) to fight for them? Finally, how did the Eldar Survive these crazy powerful Psychic Blade wielders?

 

My general advice for this is you don't need to make up new alien races to come up with a compelling story – in fact all it does is add more complexity to your job to telling a good story and unless done right will just add more plot holes and confusion. If you want these Space Marines to have a focus on fighting Psykers, just use one of the established races.

 

The sentence is probably poor as grammar and spelling are my two biggest weaknesses i can produce some good ideas but buggered I can present them into some sort of cohesive english

 

I think your biggest question is answered by the highlighed section in that they weren't that many. If they were a TT then they'd only fill the HQ slots. These souless automatons are more like the driod armies in Star Wars but it's had to describe in the .... Epic Fuzzy Poetry of IA language

 

As for the Eldar ... why you asking about them? I never mentioned that they met and as for how they're protected .... well generally they have a lot of powerful battle psykers with warlocks and farseers and their souls are protected by the interactions of their way stones .... there how's that for a stop gap answer? :eek

 

 

It was then that several librarians changed the order of the librarian. The first was a young codicier called Xavier Jacalus. Jacalus was a skilled and studious warrior but never had the raw natural talent to make it past the ranks of codicier. So he realised that the chapter need to do two things if it was to win it’s war with the Nez firstly they need away to crate stronger librarians and secondly there need to be a way to create more of them.

 

So he doesn't have enough talent to become a full Librarian but somehow he alone figures out how to solve the Chapter's problems? This doesn't sit right. Creating an interesting character, especially one that does profoundly important things requires more than a two-sentence description of their character and a much more plausible explanation for any issues they have. I am not saying create a character that is completely BA – good characters always have flaws – but make sure that the flaws are believable. You could still work with this character and allow this no-talent character help save the Chapter, but it is going to take a lot more explanation and a lot of literary skill to accomplish.

 

He is a full librarain Codicier is the second rank of librarian and only the most powerful psykers go beyond the rank of codicier. So generally he would have to use his knowledge and probably his wits to fight more powerful opponents

 

 

Without hesitation the Astral Blades came to the Black Ships aid and once the last was repelled Jacalus stated that in thanks for saving the ancient vessel and not letting untrained psykers become the play things of chaos that the Astral Blades test all the males under 10 to see if they were compatible with the seed of Sanguinius.

 

Ok, I am not great student of the Lexicanum but I know enough about the Inquisition to know that no one orders them around. Why the heck would the iIquisition just give up a ton of psykers, especially to a young chapter with no great claim to fame – I say no claim because you have not mentioned any. Also, remember that it is the Space Marines job to product the people and resources of the Emperor, and they require no thanks because service is thanks enough to them. These two reasons make it seem extremely unlikely to me that the Inquisition would just give them psykers, and it seems like a lazy plot device.

 

That is true that no one orders the Inquasition around ... apart from an higher ranked inquistor but the black ships are under control of the Adeptus Telepahica but Inquisitors generally tag along as were their's psykers there is likely to be herasy. Also firstly A) Jacalus isn't known for playing by the rules and secondly they desperatly need potential librarians to protect their troops against the Nez attacks.

 

 

The strike cruiser plunged to the hazardous depths of the underhive, the boys were released from stasis dazed and confused with a telepathic sending from the dying Jacalus before he went into suspended animation to get to the top of the underhive.

 

Awkward run-on and confusing. Why does Jacalus need to go into suspended animation to get to the top of the underhive? Was he trying to tell the initiates to get to the top of the underhive as a warning? It's confusing.

 

ok I'll give you this one. This is my poor sentence structuring Jacalus uses a telepathic sending and then preserves himself by going into suspended animation. He does not move at this point.

 

Luckily for them a recovery squad arrived led by none other than the Chief Librarian Zelkadin Thuli. It was said that within three steps he obliterated four entire hive gangs and managed heal and revive Jacalus to gather up most of the surviving boys and found that to his surprise that there were 150 still remaining and of these 43 eventually became librarians and included Barthalmus the Wrathful, Eldest Khan – The Ritual breaker, Teratist of Morkoldon who ended up as the chief librarian just short of a millennium and help stabilize the reform and Zerticus Freeman who started the reform.

 

Two things here. First, the arrival of the Chief Librarian seems too much like a deus ex machina – Who is he, and why would the Chief Librarian come on a recovery mission? You also never mention him again, even though the focus of this story seems to be on Librarians. Why?

 

You also then go on to mention two separate characters – Barthalmus and Eldest Khan – who sound like interesting characters that you never mention again. Don't create throwaway characters unless they are totally useless. Random Space Marine X is fine, but name dropping major heroes in the life of your chapter and then never explaining only discourages the reader.

 

Also, you mention how people affected the reform event before explaining what the reform is. The transition is extremely abrupt and it is a awkward ordering of subjects. My suggestion is mention their names and then say something like “who were both instrumental in a pivotal moment in the chapter's history, known as The Reform.”

 

 

First off Librarians always border on Deus ex Machina - they're litereally armoured mages and that goes doubly for Chief Librarians. I also never mention him as he doesn't play a huge part in the next part of the story, maybe it's the rebel in me but sometimes the guy at the top doesn't need to make all the big changes ;)

 

As for the other characters ... least it shows your invested in the IA that you get annoyed when they're never mentioned again, its simply a matter of focusing on need of what forges the chapter ... bother a decent heroes but they don't make the chapter what it is.

 

Final pointed noted i think i did do a bit of a hatchet job from the rough to the first draft in places

 

 

But fate intervened again for Freeman as the Planet Vortoc IV requested the Space Wolves aid to battle their arch foes the Thousand Sons and after the Jerik Valley Massacre the Space Wolves numbers were few especially amongst the ranks of the mighty rune priests and offered his aid ordinarily the wolves would have seen this as a slur on their honour but they had been humbled recently by the massacre and they were too low on rune priest to turn down a librarian’s aid.

 

 

Major issues.

1. The Space Wolves are fiercely independent and extremely insular, and not easily given over to asking for help unless it is truly of grave need. Are you implying the entire Space Wolves chapter went to war and got their butts kicked? This is the only way I can see them being so depleted as to ask for help from someone they threatened to blow up.

 

2. It seems like another lazy plot device to say Freeman just happened to be totally awesome and 'equal the might of the Rune Priests.' Especially since he went to them looking for ways to make him and his fellow Librarians more powerful.

 

It is stated in one of the Ragnor books that the Space Wolves have been decimated to a single company 3 times by the end of M41 and lets face they're the Space Wolves they're hardly known from backing down from a fight!!

 

As for Lazystory telling .... yes i see your point.

 

For each side was gifted in the art of foresight and could see what the other was planning there were times though when the weeping star was particularly active and the gift was diminished and the two sides would engage in combat.

Another awkward sentence.

Freeman began to become a feared being amongst the seers of the craftworld for their runes of warding seemed not to affect him and he was instrumental in defeating it’s avatar of Khaine in the city of Oaarvol and with each warlock defeated and witchblade captured the chapter learnt more about psychic runes.

 

Why was he not affected? Is it because of the basic skills he learnd from the Space Wolves? That seems a stretch. Also, again, why would this Chapter make a habit of studying and learning from Xenos technology if they are a close to Codex chapter? It seems like if they are doing this much study of Xenos magic that the Inquisiton would have shown up and gotten pretty pissed, but you don't mention that at all.

 

The runes made his powers more .... stable and focused meanig that the runes of warding didn't effect him as much as rune weapons are devistating on deamons and an Avatar is more or less a deamon

 

Due to a series of engagements with what turned out to be a heretical Ivaanstan Inquisitor in M35 the chapter lost 3 chapter masters in the space of 8 months to assassins and it was decided that a secret council would be set up so that the chapter could quickly recover from the loss of one of their great leaders.

 

It takes centuries to train Chapter Masters – losing 3 in 8 months is absolutely absurd.

 

Space Marines aren't used to getting engaged in policital fights like the inquasition and of coure 3 in 8 months is absured that's why they changed to a secret council instead!!!!

 

 

Just before the age of Apostasy the Weeping Star caused a great wave in the warp that turned out to be a calm before the warp storm that swallowed the region for the age, but the wave seemed to disrupt the ward of concealment around the craftworld and now the chapter knew the base of their enemy.

The librarians of the chapter proposed a method to destroy the craftworld to rid themselves of one the most prevalent threats to the sector.

 

If the entire sector is going to be covered in a warp storm why are they trying to destroy the Craftworld? More than likely the Craftworld will be devastated by an age of isolation. Doesn't it make more sense for the Chapter to being to relocate while trying to seal the Eldar in? Or perhaps focus on evacuating Imperial Citizens?

 

They don't know that the warp storm is going to cut off the sector but the ages of Apostatsy made warp travel very difficult compared to other times as it was mentioned that Thor had a calming effect on the warp

 

This section seems really absurd to me. The reasoning for this battle is flimsy and the way Jacalus just happens to disappear and reappear at the right moment to win the battle seems unbelievable. Also, ripping a hole in a Webway to release demons into the Materium? That was their plan? How is that even remotely a good idea? Why, also, would the Edlar just decide to give up and commit sucide? Finally why, again, are Space Marines just going around stealing Xenos knowledge and using it without the Inquisition getting upset?

 

Having a chance to take out your main enemies base of operations is a flimsy idea espeically when you don't know when you'll have this oppertuinity again?

 

Jacalus has hardly been known for being orthodox i mean he stole his brothers and a valuable weapon. Also at that present moment The Astral Blades were losing the fight and something needed to have been done or they would have probably lost.

 

What were the Eldar going to do? They've got a horde of deamons pouring in on one side of them pushing them back against a wall of space marines. in a word they're screwed.

 

Also its a golden opertunity for Librarians to gain knowledge and insight into the Eldar and learn from those that are much better psykers than them and by the time the age of Epostasy ends they're taken all they've learnt and turned it into their own set of runes call Enochian and as it was the age of Epostasy they were fairly isolated for a couple of centuries.

 

 

Though the rangers of the craftworld still plague the sector and more than happy to help the enemies of the chapter and what remains of the craftworld’s fleet became the terrifying corsair fleet the vengeful wanders who worrying hold 3 Void Dragon class battleships and take up a great deal of chapters fleet resources along with the battlefleet Tertic.

 

I thought that the entire Sector was being swallowed up in a warp storm? Why is the Sector still around? How did any of the Eldar escape flying their planet into a star? This part is full of plot holes and seems really unnecessary.

 

1. the warp storm was in the warp only making interstellar travel very difficult not obliterating an entire sector

2. Eldar Rangers are outcasts from their craftworld and weren't their when it was flown into the sun but they're still understandable upset at the Astral Blades and so is what remains of the eldar fleet.

 

It's late and i hope this answers some of your points I do agree with the idea that some of my writing need to be tightened up and made clearer and will probably start making improvement to my second draft over the weekend and add some pics of the armour and a side bar or two

[Dualhammers]

I think your biggest question is answered by the highlighed section in that they weren't that many. If they were a TT then they'd only fill the HQ slots. These souless automatons are more like the driod armies in Star Wars but it's had to describe in the .... Epic Fuzzy Poetry of IA language

 

As for the Eldar ... why you asking about them? I never mentioned that they met and as for how they're protected .... well generally they have a lot of powerful battle psykers with warlocks and farseers and their souls are protected by the interactions of their way stones .... there how's that for a stop gap answer?

 

To me, it isn't a very good stop gap answer. The whole of my comments on this area stem from this simple fact: I think it is a bad idea to try and make up a whole new alien race – especially one with such powerful Warp magic – to use as a plot device. It seems like the whole rest of the IA is based around this goal of creating more powerful Librarians to fight these Nez and I just don't buy it as a concept. I think there are plenty of ways to make an interesting IA with a heavy focus on Librarians without having to resort to this.

 

~~~

 

He is a full librarain Codicier is the second rank of librarian and only the most powerful psykers go beyond the rank of codicier. So generally he would have to use his knowledge and probably his wits to fight more powerful opponents 

 

Well, the way you describe him – as having both a lack of natural talent and as being young – end up describing the rank of Codicier since I didn't know what it was before now. It led me to believe that is was a pretty prestigious position. Reworking the sentence should fix this confusion.

 

~~~

 

It is stated in one of the Ragnor books that the Space Wolves have been decimated to a single company 3 times by the end of M41 and lets face they're the Space Wolves they're hardly known from backing down from a fight!!

 

If it has happened several times it makes your plot point even less plausible to me. Assuming the Space Wolves were not as known for being stubborn and independent as they are then maybe I can buy them relenting and asking for his help because the trauma of the event would be so overwhelming that they would feel there is no other option open to them. Since, however, this has happened in times past it seems like they would be a lot calmer about it – calm being a relative term of course – and it would only reinforce the “We've been devastated before, this is no different, we will survive this without your help.”

 

~~~

 

The runes made his powers more .... stable and focused meanig that the runes of warding didn't effect him as much as rune weapons are devistating on deamons and an Avatar is more or less a deamon

 

I will admit I don't know much about Rune Priests so I will give this an 'eh, alright' but I will still put out a word of caution against “sword of a thousand truths” plot elements. Finding an item that instantly turns the tide of battle can easily become a cliché.

 

of coure 3 in 8 months is absured that's why they changed to a secret council instead!!!!

I know it is absurd in the sense of it being outrageous but what I meant is that I don't by it, especially the way you present it. It is a short paragraph that makes it read like “Oh by the way instead of having a Chapter Master I have this cool secret council because of this flimsy reason.” Almost every Space Marine Chapter has a Chapter Master, and if a major change like a secret council is going to occur you better have a rock-solid believable reason for it. A few sentences just doesn't cover it.

 

~~~

 

First off Librarians always border on Deus ex Machina - they're litereally armoured mages and that goes doubly for Chief Librarians.

 

Don't think like this, it will lead you down a road of bad storytelling. The 40k Universe is filled with fantastical things, but in a world filled with fantastical things the fantastic becomes the normal. That is OK, because it allows us to believe this world exists not simply for our own amazement. Thus in a world of fantastical things don't consider fantastical things as Deus Ex Machina. If you can help it never allow yourself to rest on that crutch.

 

~~~

 

As for the other characters ... least it shows your invested in the IA that you get annoyed when they're never mentioned again, its simply a matter of focusing on need of what forges the chapter ... bother a decent heroes but they don't make the chapter what it is.

 

It is true, I am interested because I want you to succeed in this endeavor, but name dropping is generally a bad practice in fiction. It adds nothing except confusion to the story. If you drop names and don't explain them in this IA then you better have a plan to explain them later, but even that is still less than optimal.

 

~~~

 

Having a chance to take out your main enemies base of operations is a flimsy idea espeically when you don't know when you'll have this oppertuinity again?

 

I don't mean flimsy in the sense of it being a bad plot point in a story, but it doesn't hold up as a logical choice to make unless your Chapter Master/Chief Librarian/Whoever decides to have them do this is hopelessly reckless (which is OK, but you have to make that a concsistant character flaw). Consider what you said just above.

 

They don't know that the warp storm is going to cut off the sector.

 

This is why I say I don't buy it. You admit yourself that they have no idea when it's going to occur. This means they are running a huge risk of A. being trapped on the Craft World with the Eldar or B. not having enough time after the battle to Evacuate imperial citizens. These are major moral conundrums you need to address in the character of the chapter and I don't think you've done that well enough for me to find this believable.

 

~~~

 

What were the Eldar going to do? They've got a horde of deamons pouring in on one side of them pushing them back against a wall of space marines. in a word they're screwed. 

 

There are plenty of things to do when you're backed into a corner other than putting a gun to your head – what do Space Marines do? Do they give up? No, they fight to the last man. If you're implying that Eldar are weaker-willed than Space Marines I'd have to say you are underestimating the Eldar.

 

 the warp storm was in the warp only making interstellar travel very difficult not obliterating an entire sector

 

I was confused because you said that the Sector was going to be swallowed up by a warp storm, isolating it from the rest of the Galaxy, and didn't make it clear that it wasn't going to happen immediately. I assumed that the Sector was already gone and that the Chapter had escaped after the Battle and was now floating around in another Sector.

 

~~

 

stole his brothers and a valuable weapon

 

In the story it doesn't say he stole the Rune Axe, it says he was given it by the Space Wolves.

 

~~

 

This brings to me my final and most pressing point. I have no clue who your main character Jacalus really is personality-wise. You say he 'doesn't play by the rules' in several parts of your commentary on my critique but in my opinion the things he is doing (pillaging another arm of the Imperium, stealing knowledge from the Eldar to use in battle, trying to make his Librarians better at utilizing the warp) go several steps beyond bad boy in my mind and straight into “why hasn't this chapter been labeled traitors exterminatus?”

 

You need to find a way to allow these things to happen convincingly with the results you want. You can't just ignore possible consequences.

 

 

Finally, my personal suggestion is don't start on side bars or armor paint until you've got the core identity worked out unless visuals help you brainstorm – some people need to draw their characters before they write about them and I get that. Also, I would suggest trying really hard to clean up your writing before posting. Having poor grammar and spelling in your posts gets those trying to help you clogged up in trivial things rather than helping you refine the ideas of the story.

[NightrawenII]

So he set out to Fenris to see if the great rune priests of the space wolves would teach him the basics.

- How did he know that SWs use runes in their warpcraft?

 

when the Blood Angels would not share the technological secrets of how to create Furisio dreadnaughts?

- Furioso Dread is another name for Venerable Dread. However, the Baal Predator is entirely different matter...

 

But fate intervened again for Freeman as the Planet Vortoc IV requested the Space Wolves aid to battle their arch foes the Thousand Sons and after the Jerik Valley Massacre the Space Wolves numbers were few especially amongst the ranks of the mighty rune priests and offered his aid ordinarily the wolves would have seen this as a slur on their honour but they had been humbled recently by the massacre and they were too low on rune priest to turn down a librarian’s aid.

- An Deus ex Machina solution.

 

For each side was gifted in the art of foresight and could see what the other was planning there

- Except the art of foretelling is not like watching news. The signs and portents are rather vague and depressingly unfathomable. Second, Farseers are unparalleled masters of divination, interpreting one future from a myriad of possible ones. I can't see how could your Librarians match their level in such short time.

 

Freeman began to become a feared being amongst the seers of the craftworld for their runes of warding seemed not to affect him...

- Reason?

 

The battle went according to the auguries of the librarians with devastating drop pod assaults to form a beach head to bring in heavy armour and barrages from their great fleet disrupted enemy formations and movements.

- What happened to the Eldar Fleet?

 

Too late did the seers of the Eldar realise Jacalus’s plan and it was all they could do was watch as they say the librarian forced his will into Foe Splitter and shatter the psychic wards of webway.

- Considering the purpose of these wards is to hold the daemons and energies of Chaos at bay, I'm not sure about success of this deed.

 

Btw, what happened to Nez?

 

Homeworld

The Astral blades fortress monastery is in the recovered star fortress Extoller of Truth which is theorised to be a relic of the dark age of technology as several of the systems especially the highly advanced defence systems do not follow any known Mechanicus doctrine.

- Yeah, because you stumble upon such relic every century or so...

 

The fortress itself orbits the dead world of Kestra in the Arcadurus system in the Ultima Segmentum near the galactic core which holds the frozen Hive world Ketarian and the Agri world Pilgrims Bowl.

- Why is the fortress here?

 

Recruitment

Being technically a space bourn chapter, the Astral Blades have no ancestral home and as such recruit from a variety of worlds from hive worlds to feral death worlds. When replacements are needed for they are taken from several nearby worlds which include several deathworlds and also the hive world of Ketarian.

- Really? And I thought the Arcadurus system is their domain. Silly me. :P

 

The gauntlet involves having the psyker waking up in the underhive of Ketarian with nothing more with a knife and a map with a reference point to get to. They must then make their way through the treacherous terrain of the underhive with its mutants and deadly hive gangs. Interestingly the quickest way get to the reference point the potential would have to travel through the territory of two of the most deadly gangs, the Jackals and the Ogres. The Jackals are the largest hive gang who have somehow gained the technology of implants than increase a person’s speed, strength and aggressiveness and the Ogres are an Ogryn though how the Jackals gained such dangerous technology and where the Orgyn came from no one is quite sure.

- What is the point of this trial?

- What about normal recruits? Oh, sorry. I forget, they are insignificant and rather bothersome... But "OMG, teh Librarians rulez!!"

 

Organisation

The council is made up of Captains, Veteran Sergeants, Chaplain, Librarians and Techmarines but the identity of those in the council is secret and known only to each other.

- How do the council carry out the decision, if and when some of the members are absent?

 

Due to the Masonic nature of the chapter who instil strong mental discipline in each brother and the blood rituals they perform before battle the death company is usually smaller than others in Blood Angels successors and have at times placed the death company in stasis rather than end their suffering for they can help in battles either to break up enemy formations or in reserve to deploy to the enemies ranks or rear when the battle is starting to turn against them.

~

Apart from maintaining the chapter’s vast librarium, librarians spend a large portion of their time researching a possible cure for the black rage that plagues them and their sanguine brothers.

~

The Astral Blades are decedents of Sanguinius and as such suffer from the curse of the red thirst and black rage. However due to the monastic nature and enhanced hypno-therapy each marine of the Astral Blades possess a stubborn willpower to rival either the Imperial Fists or the Dark Angels.

 

But it is because of this and the humouring of the red thirst that not only is their death company a lot smaller than other Blood Angels successor but also that the degradation of the gene seed is less as well, but they know that time is their ultimate foe and that their ultimate goal to cure the curse.

- It's hilarious, how many DIY BA successors are searching for the cure of the Curse of Sanguinius and how they are apparently more successful than the Blood Angels in fighting the effects of Curse. :P

 

It is stated in one of the Ragnor books that the Space Wolves have been decimated to a single company 3 times by the end of M41 and lets face they're the Space Wolves they're hardly known from backing down from a fight!!

Questionable.

The wording in the novel is unclear, he is either talking about decimation of the Chapter or how many times went the Chapter to war as a whole.

[embalancer]

So he set out to Fenris to see if the great rune priests of the space wolves would teach him the basics.

- How did he know that SWs use runes in their warpcraft?

 

when the Blood Angels would not share the technological secrets of how to create Furisio dreadnaughts?

- Furioso Dread is another name for Venerable Dread. However, the Baal Predator is entirely different matter...

 

But fate intervened again for Freeman as the Planet Vortoc IV requested the Space Wolves aid to battle their arch foes the Thousand Sons and after the Jerik Valley Massacre the Space Wolves numbers were few especially amongst the ranks of the mighty rune priests and offered his aid ordinarily the wolves would have seen this as a slur on their honour but they had been humbled recently by the massacre and they were too low on rune priest to turn down a librarian’s aid.

- An Deus ex Machina solution.

 

For each side was gifted in the art of foresight and could see what the other was planning there

- Except the art of foretelling is not like watching news. The signs and portents are rather vague and depressingly unfathomable. Second, Farseers are unparalleled masters of divination, interpreting one future from a myriad of possible ones. I can't see how could your Librarians match their level in such short time.

 

Freeman began to become a feared being amongst the seers of the craftworld for their runes of warding seemed not to affect him...

- Reason?

 

The battle went according to the auguries of the librarians with devastating drop pod assaults to form a beach head to bring in heavy armour and barrages from their great fleet disrupted enemy formations and movements.

- What happened to the Eldar Fleet?

 

Too late did the seers of the Eldar realise Jacalus’s plan and it was all they could do was watch as they say the librarian forced his will into Foe Splitter and shatter the psychic wards of webway.

- Considering the purpose of these wards is to hold the daemons and energies of Chaos at bay, I'm not sure about success of this deed.

 

Btw, what happened to Nez?

 

Homeworld

The Astral blades fortress monastery is in the recovered star fortress Extoller of Truth which is theorised to be a relic of the dark age of technology as several of the systems especially the highly advanced defence systems do not follow any known Mechanicus doctrine.

- Yeah, because you stumble upon such relic every century or so...

 

The fortress itself orbits the dead world of Kestra in the Arcadurus system in the Ultima Segmentum near the galactic core which holds the frozen Hive world Ketarian and the Agri world Pilgrims Bowl.

- Why is the fortress here?

 

Recruitment

Being technically a space bourn chapter, the Astral Blades have no ancestral home and as such recruit from a variety of worlds from hive worlds to feral death worlds. When replacements are needed for they are taken from several nearby worlds which include several deathworlds and also the hive world of Ketarian.

- Really? And I thought the Arcadurus system is their domain. Silly me. :D

 

The gauntlet involves having the psyker waking up in the underhive of Ketarian with nothing more with a knife and a map with a reference point to get to. They must then make their way through the treacherous terrain of the underhive with its mutants and deadly hive gangs. Interestingly the quickest way get to the reference point the potential would have to travel through the territory of two of the most deadly gangs, the Jackals and the Ogres. The Jackals are the largest hive gang who have somehow gained the technology of implants than increase a person’s speed, strength and aggressiveness and the Ogres are an Ogryn though how the Jackals gained such dangerous technology and where the Orgyn came from no one is quite sure.

- What is the point of this trial?

- What about normal recruits? Oh, sorry. I forget, they are insignificant and rather bothersome... But "OMG, teh Librarians rulez!!"

 

Organisation

The council is made up of Captains, Veteran Sergeants, Chaplain, Librarians and Techmarines but the identity of those in the council is secret and known only to each other.

- How do the council carry out the decision, if and when some of the members are absent?

 

Due to the Masonic nature of the chapter who instil strong mental discipline in each brother and the blood rituals they perform before battle the death company is usually smaller than others in Blood Angels successors and have at times placed the death company in stasis rather than end their suffering for they can help in battles either to break up enemy formations or in reserve to deploy to the enemies ranks or rear when the battle is starting to turn against them.

~

Apart from maintaining the chapter’s vast librarium, librarians spend a large portion of their time researching a possible cure for the black rage that plagues them and their sanguine brothers.

~

The Astral Blades are decedents of Sanguinius and as such suffer from the curse of the red thirst and black rage. However due to the monastic nature and enhanced hypno-therapy each marine of the Astral Blades possess a stubborn willpower to rival either the Imperial Fists or the Dark Angels.

 

But it is because of this and the humouring of the red thirst that not only is their death company a lot smaller than other Blood Angels successor but also that the degradation of the gene seed is less as well, but they know that time is their ultimate foe and that their ultimate goal to cure the curse.

- It's hilarious, how many DIY BA successors are searching for the cure of the Curse of Sanguinius and how they are apparently more successful than the Blood Angels in fighting the effects of Curse. B)

 

It is stated in one of the Ragnor books that the Space Wolves have been decimated to a single company 3 times by the end of M41 and lets face they're the Space Wolves they're hardly known from backing down from a fight!!

Questionable.

The wording in the novel is unclear, he is either talking about decimation of the Chapter or how many times went the Chapter to war as a whole.

 

1. being the psykers (no matter how in denial the SW are about what they are) in the SW are called RUNE priestswhich i feel is kind of a give away

 

2. good point .... I forgot about them, but Furioso dreads are better armoured and can cope with 2 powerfits

 

3. Yeah I see that now

 

4. Its hardly a short space of time here the chapter has been about for at least 2,500 years here they know a trick or two but it's the paradox of as the farseers foresee a future the Astral Blades see the repercusions of that future and adapt to that future hence you have this dead lock where the most they can do is position their forces.

 

5. With the runes his powers become more stable

 

6. stop putting plot holes in my legends :)

 

7. In C: Chaos Deamons a keeper of secrets turned off the protective wards on way portal and soon the crafworld was over run I'd imagine breaking the protective rune would have similar effect

 

8. Granted I plan to change that

 

9. New version will explain that

 

10. i'm not sure how space station based chapters are classified are they space based? Either way they don't rule the system they're kinda like squatters on a dead world :)

 

11. The point of this trial is to emulate what happened to the first boys that were brought to be tested did this and they got some decent librarians out of it they figured they'll keep doing it and take advantage of the handy hiveworld next door

 

b. I did mention that this was only part one of their test "However for these potentials the route is probably more perilous as firstly they must go through the gauntlet before being allowed to even enter the blood trials." Ok I didn't explain it too well but basically if you come from the Scholastia Psykana then you go through this THEN you do the blood Trials.

 

The logic being if your about 10 and surivived on a death world or in a hive gang then your pretty handy. Where just cause your soul is open to the doesn't mean your a decent warrior and though scholarly warriors the Astral Blades are warriors first

 

12. Its a SECRET council i figured going into too much detail would give away the aire of mystery

 

 

13. Well the Astral Blades do endulge the red thirst like the blood drinkers and they have fewer that succomb to the Black Rage than other BA successors and all BA and they're successors are trying to find a cure these lot are more motivated that other chapters as they're the Nerds of the BA chapters ;)

 

14. I would argue your last point but dammit you are right.

 

===========================

 

After being throughtly ... critqued on my first attempted how about this as a rough outline (I'll fluff it up with IA langueage later)

 

1. They were originally a crusading chapter to partrol the easter fringes

 

2. A planet in the sector they were in at the time completes a chaos ritual and destroys the planet and leave a small warp rift (The Baleful Eye) in it's wake

 

3. The young Astral Blades answer the sommons for help contains the demonic forces in the surrounding systems but almost destroys the chapter

 

4. At the end of the war the Inquasition ask the Astral Blades to stand Vigil of the eye with inquasition support while the chapter rebuilds .... building a reporte with certian factions in the inquasitions of the Malleus and learn a bit about anti demons runes and wards

 

5. They canablaise they're fortress monastary which was a large battle barge and the Ad Mech turn it into a HUGE start fortress on the edge of the strategic system of Arcadurus

 

6. The Nez come along and they build a reporte with the Ordos Xenos

 

Thats what i got so far and as it's late i'm going to hit the hey .... how does that sound to start with?

[NightrawenII]

1. being the psykers (no matter how in denial the SW are about what they are) in the SW are called RUNE priestswhich i feel is kind of a give away

And how did he know about Rune Priests?

 

5. With the runes his powers become more stable

I would agreed with you, but Rune Priests are still affected by the Runes of Warding.

 

+++ Btw, the 'normal' Librarians are underrepresented in the rules. The 'special' rules for Rune Priests aren't that special at all. The Runic armour is the same as the bog standard Aegis armour. The later is not represented in rules - well, maybe in codex Grey Knights but I haven't seen the book yet.

The Rune weapon is same like bog standard Force weapon, really. The descriptions of both are practically the same. But only Kelly was smart enough to give the (Force) weapon, renown for its ability to hurt and destroy creatures of warp, matching representation in the rules.+++

 

7. In C: Chaos Deamons a keeper of secrets turned off the protective wards on way portal and soon the crafworld was over run I'd imagine breaking the protective rune would have similar effect

So, the psychic key he has stolen from Craftworld's Autarch doesn't count then, huh?

 

3. The young Astral Blades answer the sommons for help contains the demonic forces in the surrounding systems but almost destroys the chapter

 

4. At the end of the war the Inquasition ask the Astral Blades to stand Vigil of the eye with inquasition support while the chapter rebuilds .... building a reporte with certian factions in the inquasitions of the Malleus and learn a bit about anti demons runes and wards

Don't worry, the Grey Knights are surrounding our perimeter to protect us... ;)

[Arkangilos]

Here is what I got out of this chapter:

 

They are being led by a demon prince of Tzeench.

They are destroying the Imperium, defying its rules, and stealing its tech.

They are thieves.

They do not have any experience in writing

And they are so week, that when they lose most of their chapter, they ask those that they stole from to help them rebuild. You know how many times that has happened to other chapters and they just got on with it?

 

That is what it seems like to me.

[Ace Debonair]

Here is what I got out of this chapter:

 

They are being led by a demon prince of Tzeench.

They are destroying the Imperium, defying its rules, and stealing its tech.

They are thieves.

They do not have any experience in writing

And they are so week, that when they lose most of their chapter, they ask those that they stole from to help them rebuild. You know how many times that has happened to other chapters and they just got on with it?

 

That is what it seems like to me.

OK, that's enough.

 

There's giving C+C, and then there's spitting out a mouthful of attitude.

 

Going around and antagonising other people is hardly a good way to endear yourself to the Liber.

 

EDIT:

Also, if you're going to call someone on having little experience in writing, it behooves you to at least spell your complaints right.

[Dualhammers]

Here is what I got out of this chapter:

 

They are being led by a demon prince of Tzeench.

They are destroying the Imperium, defying its rules, and stealing its tech.

They are thieves.

They do not have any experience in writing

And they are so week, that when they lose most of their chapter, they ask those that they stole from to help them rebuild. You know how many times that has happened to other chapters and they just got on with it?

 

That is what it seems like to me.

 

This is neither helpful or appreciated. Also, if you're going to openly belittle the writing abilities of others know that 'weak' is spelled with an 'a' not two 'e's.

 

OP - ignore this guy and keep working. We are trying to help you write a good IA; there is much work to do but it isn't impossible. In the end just remember do what you want, we are only guides.

[Arkangilos]

I appologize, I did not mean to insult anyone.

I do think though, that it would make a great chapter that turned renegade. It has been mentioned earlier that it seems like it should be, and I was going off of that.

When I said those things, I did not mean for them to be taken badly, I just worded it wrong.

It does however, seem weak that they had to ask the Inquisitors to help them rebuild when the Crimson Fists, the Space Wolves, and the Blood Angels to name a few have all been in the situation with not help. (By the BA situation, I am not referring to the novels.)

 

Again, I apologize, and I ask you all for your forgiveness.

[embalancer]

Here is what I got out of this chapter:

 

They are being led by a demon prince of Tzeench.

They are destroying the Imperium, defying its rules, and stealing its tech.

They are thieves.

They do not have any experience in writing

And they are so week, that when they lose most of their chapter, they ask those that they stole from to help them rebuild. You know how many times that has happened to other chapters and they just got on with it?

 

That is what it seems like to me.

 

This is neither helpful or appreciated. Also, if you're going to openly belittle the writing abilities of others know that 'weak' is spelled with an 'a' not two 'e's.

 

OP - ignore this guy and keep working. We are trying to help you write a good IA; there is much work to do but it isn't impossible. In the end just remember do what you want, we are only guides.

 

I was going to it's kinda obvious he at most skimmed the work

 

1. I never mention a chapter master before the forming of a secret council so where the hell did you get that from?

 

2. I know my writing isn't the clearest but I would love to know how you came to that conclusion

 

3. As the saying goes "to the victor, the spoils"

 

4. Really an entire chapter against a craftworld? If anything I would put my money on the craftworld as they have the advantage of terrian, numbers and motivation. Also another chapter the Invaders took on a craftworld and were mostly wiped out from that attack or were weakened enough not to survive a revenge attack by another craftworld

 

5. And who in the hell who knows anything about 40K would think that a SM chapter would ask the eldar to help rebuild their chapter and not think that the =][= wouldn't get a little miffed?

 

Telanicus your opinion is your own and i respect that but if your going to make statements BACK THEM UP with evidence like how Dual Hammers and Night Rawen took my IA apart and picked at it. You want to do that we're more likely to listen to you.

[embalancer]

1. being the psykers (no matter how in denial the SW are about what they are) in the SW are called RUNE priestswhich i feel is kind of a give away

And how did he know about Rune Priests?

 

5. With the runes his powers become more stable

I would agreed with you, but Rune Priests are still affected by the Runes of Warding.

 

+++ Btw, the 'normal' Librarians are underrepresented in the rules. The 'special' rules for Rune Priests aren't that special at all. The Runic armour is the same as the bog standard Aegis armour. The later is not represented in rules - well, maybe in codex Grey Knights but I haven't seen the book yet.

The Rune weapon is same like bog standard Force weapon, really. The descriptions of both are practically the same. But only Kelly was smart enough to give the (Force) weapon, renown for its ability to hurt and destroy creatures of warp, matching representation in the rules.+++

 

7. In C: Chaos Deamons a keeper of secrets turned off the protective wards on way portal and soon the crafworld was over run I'd imagine breaking the protective rune would have similar effect

So, the psychic key he has stolen from Craftworld's Autarch doesn't count then, huh?

 

3. The young Astral Blades answer the sommons for help contains the demonic forces in the surrounding systems but almost destroys the chapter

 

4. At the end of the war the Inquasition ask the Astral Blades to stand Vigil of the eye with inquasition support while the chapter rebuilds .... building a reporte with certian factions in the inquasitions of the Malleus and learn a bit about anti demons runes and wards

Don't worry, the Grey Knights are surrounding our perimeter to protect us... ;)

 

1. They're the space wolves i'm pretty sure that they're librarians are a little different might be common knowledge amongst the chapters

 

2. Your right the stable idea sucks ... i feel that with the helping of runes that the librarian can uses more powerful techniques kinda like how a dam can harness the power of a rive more effectively than say a water mill

 

3. If you can't find the key braking down the lock probably works just as well :)

 

4. Don't worry they're involved in my next draft involves them

[NightrawenII]

1. They're the space wolves i'm pretty sure that they're librarians are a little different might be common knowledge amongst the chapters

 

2. Your right the stable idea sucks ... i feel that with the helping of runes that the librarian can uses more powerful techniques kinda like how a dam can harness the power of a rive more effectively than say a water mill

 

3. If you can't find the key braking down the lock probably works just as well :D

 

4. Don't worry they're involved in my next draft involves them

1. Something like 'common knowledge' doesn't exist in W40k, there are myths, legends, lies and half-forgotten facts. He could know about Rune Priests if the Chapter was working with the Wolves before...

 

3. Where do you get the right hammer? :P

[embalancer]

1. They're the space wolves i'm pretty sure that they're librarians are a little different might be common knowledge amongst the chapters

 

2. Your right the stable idea sucks ... i feel that with the helping of runes that the librarian can uses more powerful techniques kinda like how a dam can harness the power of a rive more effectively than say a water mill

 

3. If you can't find the key braking down the lock probably works just as well ^_^

 

4. Don't worry they're involved in my next draft involves them

1. Something like 'common knowledge' doesn't exist in W40k, there are myths, legends, lies and half-forgotten facts. He could know about Rune Priests if the Chapter was working with the Wolves before...

 

3. Where do you get the right hammer? -_-

 

1. yes and no, in the deathwatch rule book there are two sort of lore on the adeptus Astartes common and forbidden. Common lore covers known chapter, thier practises and the areas they cover.

 

Forbidden goes into more detial about the rituals and the like.

 

Being the space wolves are a founding chapter I'm guessing that they deviation from the codex would be well known especially as they more or less gave Papa Smurf the finger when he wrote the Codex Astartes. If it was some unknown chapter looking after the Ghoul stars in the Segmentum Pacificus (as the Astral Blades are based in the Ultima Segmentum) I would agree with you but by your logic you would have no idea about how any chapter would work unless you met them which doesn't make a great deal of sense.

[Ecritter]

I'm gonna step in on this one.

 

You're talking about 1000 Chapters spread out over the entire galaxy. We're not talking about Bob down the street. Also take into account that there is no Imperial News Service that I've ever heard of. Some things you see, others you are told ... those things you know. Everything else is unknown.

[embalancer]

I'm gonna step in on this one.

 

You're talking about 1000 Chapters spread out over the entire galaxy. We're not talking about Bob down the street. Also take into account that there is no Imperial News Service that I've ever heard of. Some things you see, others you are told ... those things you know. Everything else is unknown.

 

I might agree with you if it was one of the later founding chapters but when it is one of the original legions I'm pretty sure a practise that diviates from the norm would come up in somewhere

[Ecritter]

Except that why would the BAs teach anything about practices of another legion? They taught their own beliefs not everyone elses.

[embalancer]

Except that why would the BAs teach anything about practices of another legion? They taught their own beliefs not everyone elses.

 

I know that, but it might come up on how each legion differs from each other oh by the way the space wolves merged the role of Apothecary and Chaplin into one role and also thier librarians are called wolf priests that seem to specialize in altering the atmosphere and uses rune weapons

[Arkangilos]

So do the Space Wolves and Imperial Fists know about the Black Rage and Red Thirst?

[embalancer]

So do the Space Wolves and Imperial Fists know about the Black Rage and Red Thirst?

 

probably or it's only known to their chief librarians and chapter master. But to counter the point that if now chapter knows nothing about another chapter unless they've met them how are Logan Grimnar and Dante more or less the equivilent of household names in the imperium?

[Arkangilos]

Because they are Legends. You can know of a chapter, and not know about the chapter.

 

BTW, I like your color scheme :P

[NightrawenII]

My thoughts:

 

Origins

But on Kalious a cult dedicated to the gods of chaos succeed in releasing a deamon prince from it’s prison and in doing so crated a warp rift that engulfed the entire planet. Chaos spewed out from rift and attacked several worlds including the strategic forge world of Culanthra which is the only forge world within 300 light years capable of repairing and rearming warlord and imperator titans.

- Ahem, How did they get from Kalious to Culanthra & co.?

 

The Astral Blades initially deployed 2 of their 3 battle barges to help with the incursion but soon the third and their fortress-monastery Sanguinus’s Light soon joined in the fray.

- Observation: The Battle Barge is very powerful and somewhat rare warship in SM's fleet.

- What is Sanguinus’s Light?

 

With the daemon prince gone the Inquisition asked that the Astral Blades remain and stand vigil against the weeping eye.

- The Ordo Malleus has the means to destroy the Warp Rift... It's called Exterminatus Extremis. :lol:

- I think, you are misusing the term Warp Rift, the rift is portal into Realm of Chaos. What you have here or what do you want here is either astral anomaly or Warpstorm.

 

Homeworld

The original Fortress-Monastery for the Astral Blades was the Battle barge Sanguinus’s Light however this became crippled during the battle of Velgnars Rift so it was decided that they would use the ancient vessel as the back bone for the Space fortress the Eternal Sentinel which is based on the outskirts of the Arcadurus system in the Ultima Segmentum which holds the frozen Hive world Ketarian and the Agri world Pilgrims Bowl.

- This is brain-hurting and over-complicated.

 

++++

There are some leftovers from previous draft and loose ends like "...and the blood rituals they perform before battle", but overall good.