IA: The Astral Swords

[embalancer]

Because they are Legends. You can know of a chapter, and not know about the chapter.

 

BTW, I like your color scheme :tu:

 

woot first postive comment ;) but like i said i'd agree with your point if say i was copying the idea from another IA chapter say but one of the founding chapters you'd imagine they'd know a fair about the way they operated even if not the details also after doing som digging several other chapters don't follow the librarian model strictly such as the white scars, nova marines and crimson shades)

 

My thoughts:

 

Origins

But on Kalious a cult dedicated to the gods of chaos succeed in releasing a deamon prince from it’s prison and in doing so crated a warp rift that engulfed the entire planet. Chaos spewed out from rift and attacked several worlds including the strategic forge world of Culanthra which is the only forge world within 300 light years capable of repairing and rearming warlord and imperator titans.

- Ahem, How did they get from Kalious to Culanthra & co.?

 

The Astral Blades initially deployed 2 of their 3 battle barges to help with the incursion but soon the third and their fortress-monastery Sanguinus’s Light soon joined in the fray.

- Observation: The Battle Barge is very powerful and somewhat rare warship in SM's fleet.

- What is Sanguinus’s Light?

 

With the daemon prince gone the Inquisition asked that the Astral Blades remain and stand vigil against the weeping eye.

- The Ordo Malleus has the means to destroy the Warp Rift... It's called Exterminatus Extremis. ;)

- I think, you are misusing the term Warp Rift, the rift is portal into Realm of Chaos. What you have here or what do you want here is either astral anomaly or Warpstorm.

 

Homeworld

The original Fortress-Monastery for the Astral Blades was the Battle barge Sanguinus’s Light however this became crippled during the battle of Velgnars Rift so it was decided that they would use the ancient vessel as the back bone for the Space fortress the Eternal Sentinel which is based on the outskirts of the Arcadurus system in the Ultima Segmentum which holds the frozen Hive world Ketarian and the Agri world Pilgrims Bowl.

- This is brain-hurting and over-complicated.

 

++++

There are some leftovers from previous draft and loose ends like "...and the blood rituals they perform before battle", but overall good.

 

1. but ships .... they're space marines and as a galactic rapid reaction force they'd be fairly useless if they're suck on a planet

 

2. Yes but they are useful for moving troops around and your average chapter has 2-3 battlebarges

b Sanguinus’s Light is the main battlebarge which also doubles up as their fortress monestary simliar to the Omnis Arcanum for the blood ravens or the Eternal Crusader for the black templars

 

3. whats difficult about it? you have a crippled battle barge that is used as the foundation (i'll change that next update) into a space fortress and is probably is probably missing some puntuation

 

and i have plans for that blood ritual ;)

[Arkangilos]

Well, as I had said before, I do like the over all concept. The only thing I think is a little weird is the Space Wolves teaching yours how to use Runes.

I also think that the more psykers you have, the more the inquisitors would want to keep an eye on you, especially if you were close to a warp rift, anomoly, etc. Being so close to chaos, your psykers are more likely to turn, or so the Inquisition would see it (however, it could make them stronger, but as far as the inquisition knows...)

 

What I would do for the Runes, is rather than having the Space Wolves teach it to you themselves, you observed them in battle. Your Librians (who do not really know the differance), saw them using runes, and were like, "Woah man, did you see that? I think we could expirement with it, as he called up a whole freakin storm!" So then you would find some sort of runes (which may be the design of your own chapter), and then use that. That way we can not say, "Well, the Space Wolves would not teach it to them," and still allows the "rune" idea.

 

Just a thought.

[NightrawenII]

1. but ships .... they're space marines and as a galactic rapid reaction force they'd be fairly useless if they're suck on a planet

I'm talking about Chaos forces, not the marines. :P

 

2. Yes but they are useful for moving troops around and your average chapter has 2-3 battlebarges

b Sanguinus’s Light is the main battlebarge which also doubles up as their fortress monestary simliar to the Omnis Arcanum for the blood ravens or the Eternal Crusader for the black templars

You have four Barges and you are relatively young Chapter.

 

3. whats difficult about it? you have a crippled battle barge that is used as the foundation (i'll change that next update) into a space fortress and is probably is probably missing some puntuation

The wording is.

[embalancer]

1. but ships .... they're space marines and as a galactic rapid reaction force they'd be fairly useless if they're suck on a planet

I'm talking about Chaos forces, not the marines. :P

 

2. Yes but they are useful for moving troops around and your average chapter has 2-3 battlebarges

b Sanguinus’s Light is the main battlebarge which also doubles up as their fortress monestary simliar to the Omnis Arcanum for the blood ravens or the Eternal Crusader for the black templars

You have four Barges and you are relatively young Chapter.

 

3. whats difficult about it? you have a crippled battle barge that is used as the foundation (i'll change that next update) into a space fortress and is probably is probably missing some puntuation

The wording is.

 

1. They're Chaos ... they can do pretty much what they like especially getting round the galaxy

 

2. 3 battle barges - 2 standard and the fortess monestary one and being they are a crusading chapter i figured they'd get the standard complement right off the bat

[NightrawenII]

1. They're Chaos ... they can do pretty much what they like especially getting round the galaxy

Not without ships or some kind of portal.

If the daemons invade the planet then they are stuck here, because they don't have ship and they need warp rift to sustain their existence in the material realm (or solid body).

[Shinzaren]

Right, let us have a whack at this shall we? I should point out from the start that I ignored what others said and were responded to, instead giving a fresh critique over the stuff you have posted.

 

Founded during the age of Forging at the height of the Imperium’s power the Astral Blades were originally tasked with hunting out the enemies of the Imperium eventually coming across the warp rift the Weeping Star. They are tasked with standing vigil over this horror a task they have not waved from in over six millennia. In the long fires of war they have learnt the value of patience and knowledge and have been forged into cautious and scholarly chapter. However secrets lie within the heart of the chapter, secrets which were known would threaten to destroy the chapter from within.

First thoughts. Interesting lead in, establishes a good bit of foreshadowing. That said, couple of run on sentences and a bit of missing punctuation.

 

I also approve of the color scheme btw.

 

”We fear what we do not understand, which is a problem for you daemon as I know what you are” – Brother-Captain Vergus at the battle Gurals Gate M37

This is the first quote among many that I noticed. Your marines seem to have a generally humorous tone about them, which seems kind of odd. Why are marines cracking jokes at their enemies? Space Wolves perhaps, but you are insisting you are cautious and scholarly, not wise-crackers. Also, Space Marines "Shall know no Fear." They wouldn't say they fear what they don't understand, because they are confronted with the unknown everyday and don't fear it at all.

 

F

ounded during the 4th founding in thirty second millennium. The Astral Blades were tasked with patrolling the Matellus cluster an area of several sectors that had never been fully explored and subjugated to the Emperors rule before the Horus Heresy. For several centuries they cleansed the sector of Xenos, the mutant.

More punctuation and run on sentences. Nothing major, but it does make it harder to read.

 

But on Kalious a cult dedicated to the gods of chaos succeed in releasing a deamon prince from it’s prison and in doing so crated a warp rift that engulfed the entire planet. Chaos spewed out from rift and attacked several worlds including the strategic forge world of Culanthra which is the only forge world within 300 light years capable of repairing and rearming warlord and imperator titans.

How did the Chaos boys get between worlds? Why this guy imprisoned here? Why did no one know?

 

The Inquisition immediately sent a large force of Imperial Guard and a Grey Knights to the area to contain the demons that were coming out of the rift but such was in demonic incursion that inquisition put out a call for all nearby chapters to lend them what strength they could. The Astral Blades initially deployed 2 of their 3 battle barges to help with the incursion but soon the third and their fortress-monastery Sanguinus’s Light soon joined in the fray.

Fortress-Monasteries don't generally fly...

 

With the daemon prince gone the Inquisition asked that the Astral Blades remain and stand vigil against the weeping eye. The Chapter Master Khan the Elder agreed as the chapter’s numbers were so low that they would need decades to rebuild.

You are a Blood Angels successor, with Rune Priest style Librarians, and a Chapter Master named Khan? Your influences are all over the map. That said, fairly good intro story, sets up continuing tensions, gets them into the sector, and establishes a tie to the rest of the Imperium.

 

T

he original Fortress-Monastery for the Astral Blades was the Battle barge Sanguinus’s Light however this became crippled during the battle of Velgnars Rift so it was decided that they would use the ancient vessel as the back bone for the Space fortress the Eternal Sentinel which is based on the outskirts of the Arcadurus system in the Ultima Segmentum which holds the frozen Hive world Ketarian and the Agri world Pilgrims Bowl. The system is close by to several worlds which are seen as strategic to the subsector.

Messing with the Imperial technology is rarely a good idea. Instead of a radical Magus turning your battle barge into a massive space fortress, it is more likely to assume that it would be towed to the nearest space dock and repaired, as Battle Barges are ancient and revered beyond measure.

 

The fortress itself is considered a thing of great craftsmanship designed by the legendary Magos Morkal-Tel he was able to use the now defunct warp engines to power up the vast array of lance and weapon batteries and no one with anything short of a battle fleet would consider assaulting it.

This sounds really awesome. Unrealistically perhaps.

 

Those that are selected wake up in the underhive of Ketarian with nothing more with a knife and a map with a reference point to get to. They must then make their way through the treacherous terrain of the underhive with its mutants and deadly hive gangs. Interestingly the quickest way get to the reference point the potential would have to travel through the territory of two of the most deadly gangs, the Jackals and the Ogres. The Jackals are the largest hive gang who have somehow gained the technology of implants than increase a person’s speed, strength and aggressiveness and the Ogres are an Ogryn though how the Jackals gained such dangerous technology and where the Orgyn came from no one is quite sure.

What if they are from a society without maps? Not to mention that maps are generally useless with a sense of direction and some point of reference. Perhaps instead they are dropped off, pointed towards a landmark, and told to make it there with only a knife?

 

The boys are given a week to get to the reference point which is a small chapel guarded by a Librarian which has an elevator that takes the boys to a gladiatorial arena in the hive and those that make it now face off in a battle royal till there are about one hundred left.

Librarians do your selecting? Nothing wrong with this, mind you, I just always saw this as being the domain of the Chaplains.

 

Of these seventy they are taken to the Eternal Sentinel where one by one they are led through a series of doors where a librarian waits testing the boys minds against the main temptations of chaos.

What 70? You said there were 100 of them left. Where did the 30 odd guys go?

 

Then in the final room a chalice stands on a plinth with a potent psychotropic drug. The potential drinks from the chalice and then they’re worse fears come to life and tear at the boys mind and soul. It is considered lucky if half those survive the process but it has been argued that being so close to a warp rift and being exposed to dangerous knowledge that they’re souls but be hardened to it. Those that do survive are taken to and begin the process of being transformed into space marines.

"I'M BATMAN!" Sorry, that was a cheap crack, but that is the first thing I thought of. Bruce Wayne, opening the chest, and being terrified of a bunch of bats because he took a shot of psychotropic drug to the face.

 

”How are we here Molavek? Simple. We foresaw your attempted ambush with the baneblade (nice try by the way) and the traps you left us in the city. We also studied the cities plans from when it was first constructed and found out about these tunnels and realised you would use them to make your escape. So here we stand – your end.” – Titus Cain at the end of Potonius Heresy

As pointed out earlier, your marines seem to be the funny sort? Is this intentional? Because the earliest indications do not point to this.

 

D

ue to the Seers war with the Eldar of the Kes-El Craftworld and the high number of Librarians, the Astral Blades are a studious and patient chapter. And believe that knowledge is the most powerful weapon they can have as it allows a warrior to either anticipate an attack and as such counter it or see a weakness and thoroughly exploit it.

What is the Seer's War? What is the Kes-El Craftworld? This is the first I have heard of a high number of Librarians. I think a part of the story is missing :(

 

This doctrine has lead to calls by their successor brothers to be called cowardly however this is far from true. As once they have made their divinations and plans they fight with a fury and zealousness that equals any chapter.

Why is it cowardly? You said they anticipate and either counter, or exploit a weakness. No retreating or backing away. Just good tactics. Makes a lot of sense to me. I doubt they are going to be called cowardly.

 

Generally the anti armour duties falls to the Dreadnaughts, devastators or librarians as the chapter lost most of their predators, Rhinos and Vindicators when the craftworld went into the sun.

...? :devil: Missing a part of the story here again...

 

Due to the Masonic nature of the chapter who instil strong mental discipline in each brother and the blood rituals they perform before battle the death company is usually smaller than others in Blood Angels successors and used them as shock troops to disrupt enemy formations before the main force strikes.

What Blood rituals? Also, an IA is written from an in-universe semi historical perspective. Saying they have Masonic influences has no bearing at all in the 40k world, because the Masons were wiped out before the Dark Age of Technology.

 

”Yes my lord I know you feel this force will not be enough to stop this eldar raid but in the correct places I assure we’ll have them in full retreat before the day is out” – Librarian Yulzal talking to Inquisitor Morkal at Beloya

And in incorrect places they will be pillaging and slaughtering across their target world?

 

T

he Chapter is mostly based along the lines Codex Astartes, with 10 companies with the veterans in the 1st 4 battle companies, 4 reserve companies and a scout company. However due to the chapter’s long and bloody history the chapter has deviated from the standard Codex Astartes in several ways. Due to a series of engagements with what turned out to be a heretical Ivaanstan Inquisitor in M35 the chapter lost 3 chapter masters in the space succumbed to the black rage in the space of 8 months and it was decided that a secret council would be set up so that the chapter could quickly recover from the loss of one of their great leaders. The council is made up of Captains, Veteran Sergeants, Chaplain, Librarians and Techmarines but the identity of those in the council is secret and known only to each other. But for diplomatic or official communication they use the unknown king which on the chapter masters throne lays the body of a broken and forgotten Astral Blade in the armoured sarcophagus of a Dreadnaught that is damaged beyond repair and only the life support systems now work when he speaks he speaks for the chapter.

This is rather confusing and could be rewritten for clarity. As I understand it, you have a secret council, who works behind the scenes. However, they also have some sort of dead guy on a throne? Honestly I am a bit lost here...

 

The second difference is the high number of librarians in the chapter which rarely less than 50 due to close bond with the Scholastia Psykana they always have a steady supply of psychic aspirants also though they are called librarians they are closer to the Rune Priests of Fenris as they focus their powers through powerful runes from the knowledge of that was gained from Fenris , the tomes they gained from Kes-El combined with other esoteric lore they’ve gained from the assault at Kydros Keep and Mekelvar the librarians formed their own style of runes which they call enochian or the high tongue.

How do they know about the Rune Priests of Fenris? A Chapter's warrior cult and idiosyncrasies aren't common knowledge outside the chapter, or sometimes even inside it (Dark Angels). When did your Librarians go to Fenris? And why there, and not say... Baal, to learn from their parent chapter? Also, if they are using tomes from the Kas-El Craftworld, they are using heretic Xenotech. Not to mention that Eldar technology is advanced to the point of being near magic to the lesser races. How would mere humans be able to unlock and use the wraithbone and Eldar tech? I don't know exactly what Kydros Keep or Mekelvar are, but I suspect they may been leftovers from an earlier draft? Perhaps?

 

Apart from maintaining the chapter’s vast librarium, librarians spend a large portion of their time researching a possible cure for the black rage that plagues them and their sanguine brothers. This may mean searching long forgotten data tombs or following up whispers of relics from the Dark Age of technology or through auguries hoping that one day the Emperor will gift them information that will lead to their ultimate salvation. This scholarly approach has lead to the chapter forging strong links with the Adeptus Mechanicus and the sisters of the Order Dialogous that are based at Kydros Keep

I thought the Orders Dialogous were only based on Terra and Ophelia VII?

 

T

he Astral Blades are decedents of Sanguinius and as such suffer from the curse of the red thirst and black rage. However due to the monastic nature and enhanced hypno-indoctrination each marine of the Astral Blades possess a stubborn willpower to rival either the Imperial Fists or the Dark Angels.

But it is because of this and the humouring of the red thirst that not only is their death company a lot smaller than other Blood Angels successor but also that the degradation of the gene seed is less as well, but they know that time is their ultimate foe and that their ultimate goal to cure the curse.

So they are better than the Blood Angels in basically every way? That doesn't seem fair to the BA...

 

Ok, so those are my thoughts. It is possible that I repeated points already made, but since I generally don't read all the comments and instead give a whole critique, I don't feel it should be held against me! :) Still, not a bad start. Definitely something to keep an eye on in the future. Scholarly Blood Angels are cool. I think that this draft is perhaps missing some pieces and carries over some pieces from older versions? Some things seem a bit out of place. That said, good start, and a good framework. I am a bit curious on a couple points, but I'll wait to see what you say before delving too greedily or too deeply. (Don't wanna wake anything in the darkness...) ;)

[Ecritter]

Shinzaren knows more then most on Eldar, so I'd trust him on those parts.

[embalancer]

ok here is a shameful bump - but to compensate i have added probably the most .... interesting part of the chapters history and also a piccy of termy armour which i hope you find just as nice (know know maybe i'll give up this IA lark and launch a line of stylish armours instead :cuss)

 

I hope to have the other parts done by the end of the weekend but they're their just to let you know that the IA isn't quite finished yet ... or it isn't typed yet.

 

feedback is always welcome as well as the HTML to put wrapping around my sidebar as due to it's being late and my html being VERY rusty it doesn't spring to mind at the moment

 

hope you enjoy and don't hate the seers war too much

 

- emb

 

*retreats to safe distance and puts on flame proof terminator armour*

[Shinzaren]

After reading through, almost all of my questions still stand, and haven't been addressed yet, either in the main post, in a response explaining your thoughts. I will hold off on doing another critique until my earlier questions are addressed, so I don't have to repeat myself a lot ;)

 

 

EDIT: Although, since this Craftworld War section is new, I suppose I'll give a going over....

 

“The Mon-Keigh are a curse upon the galaxy. They are as brutal and savage as the Orks and their weak willed minds are gateways for chaos. How we regret not wiping them from the face of existence when we had the chance.” – Urkath Meviktor, Farseer of the Kas-El Craftworld

Why do you have a quote from an Eldar Farseer? Was he talking to you? Did an Imperial Scribe record this? Doesn't seem very likely, or as something that should be presented in an IA about your Chapter.

 

 

The Eldar of the Kas-El craftworld were a militant craftworld who saw humanity as bad a plague on the galaxy as the Orks who should have been wiped out. This they did with great ease and skill coming in like shadows in the night and wiping out entire human cities. Though an uneasy truce was seemed to be reached when the weeping star was formed when the daemon prince was set back to the warp their war continued especially against the Astral Swords.

Run on sentence. How does the storyteller know that the Eldar of the Kas-El Craftworld were militant and hated humanity? Why are their motivations relevant to the Astral Swords?

 

The war itself was fought more as a strange dance of strategic deployments rather than combat. For each side was gifted in the art of foresight and could see what the consequence to the other strategies. Though when the weeping star was particularly active and the gift was disrupted and the two sides would engage in combat.

Your Librarians have the prescience of Eldar Farseers? The most capable psychics in the galaxy, able to read and divine the hundreds of possible paths of the future? That seems...unlikely. Also, if the Weeping Star cancels psychic foresight, why would the Eldar engage at all? Why wouldn't they simply hide and wait it out, and thus avoid the loss of precious Eldar life that combat brings?

 

Just before the age of Apostasy the Weeping Star caused a great wave in the warp that turned out to be a calm before a warp storm that swallowed the region for the age making warp travel impossible. But the wave seemed to disrupt the ward of concealment around the craftworld and now the chapter knew the base of their enemy.

Space is big. Even with their concealment down, how did you find it?

 

The librarians of the chapter proposed a method to destroy the craftworld to rid themselves of one the most prevalent threats to the sector. The entire chapter was assembled for the first time in an age and all but a handful were left to continue if they should fail. The battle went according to the auguries of the Librarians with the battlefleet Tertic distracting the Eldar fleet with a series of exterminatus upon a series of Eldar maiden worlds.

And again, you are out predicting the Eldar Farseers. Why wouldn't they use their noted foresight to discern that the Exterminatus was a trap? Also, it takes ships and fleets to destroy worlds, ships you would desperately need to force your way through the Eldar flotilla that would be defending the Craftworld.

 

It was in the hall of the webway that disaster for the Eldar struck as a Farseer came to protect this strategic point and was faced down by the librarian Xavier Jacalus. Jacalus was a young librarian and knew he was no match for the Farseer and had to draw deep into the warp to barely match the Farseer, but he delved too deep and with the Farseer’s runes of warding he lost control and the warp bleed into reality

The Rune of Warding prevents the Farseer from drawing too deeply on the Warp. If Xavier was so overmatched, the Farseer wouldn't need to try so hard, and thus wouldn't need the Rune. The Rune wouldn't affect your Librarian at all.

 

The result was that a deamon prince of Tzeentch burst forth onto the craftworld. Its birth scream echoed in the warp crippling many of the Eldar and all but the strongest Librarians. With a glance he had bound Jacalus for though his instinct was to wipe him from existence he knew that he was the tether that kept him on the material realm.

Demon Prince? Not a Greater Demon?

 

At the sight of the daemon the Farseer set upon the daemon in both the physical and spiritual realm with each blow causing great shockwaves in each. It was one of these shockwaves from when both combatants unleash eldritch energies against each other that the shockwave managed to shatter the psychic wards of webway. With the wards broken the webway now become a warp rift and legions of deamons spilled into the craftworld.

Shockwaves. Lots of Shockwaves.

 

The Eldar knew their craftworld, their home was doomed. They caught between two fronts knew they were doomed and on coming hordes of deamons pressed the Eldar back they fell onto the immovable line of the Astartes who held their line but instead turned their fury upon the daemons instead. Swooping hawk and Assault marine took to the skies together. Devastators and Dark Reapers poured unimaginable fury upon the spawn of the warp. Librarians and Warlocks unleashed the fury of the warp side by side little by little the daemons were pushed back into the warp but at a great cost.

I'm guessing the Eldar aren't going to stay allies for 1 second more than it took to destroy the last demon.

 

Little remained of the once glorious Craftworld and was turned to little more than a floating hulk with its glorious tower collapsed and the gardens of paradise corrupted. It was decided that the craftworld would disperse. Most scattered to several exocite worlds hidden within the sector. The Exarches of the Warrior shrines went to join their phoenix lords. Man that remained joined the path of the mariner and joined what remained of the Kes-El Battlefleet that became he terrifying corsair fleet the vengeful wanders who worrying hold 3 Void Dragon class battleships and take up a great deal of chapters fleet resources along with the battlefleet Tertic.

What? No, no. You glossed over the most important part. With the demons gone, the Eldar wouldn't just abandon their Craftworld. They reap a terrible vengeance on the Mon'Keigh, who would also have been weakened fighting the demons. How did the Astral Swords survive this part of the battle? Also, how would the marines know what happened to Eldar is they did retreat. Too specific on what the Eldar are doing. It should more likely say that the remaining Eldar vanished to parts unknown. Though my theory is that they would stay and make sure the stupid and foolish Mon'Keigh who abused their powers to the point of summoning demons were destroyed utterly. Also, Void Dragons aren't battleships. They are group of Corsairs who are known to work with both Craftworld and Dark Eldar.

 

Those that were left became rangers that still plague the sector and more than happy to help the enemies of the chapter vowing revenge not only for destroying their home but plundering it as well as during the battle the librarians plundered the great halls of knowledge located within the craftworld collecting tomes and relics of great power.

Eldar don't use tomes. They use Wraithbones and most psychic constructs, which -in all likelihood- the Marines would never even figure out how to use. Eldar tech is just too advanced.

 

But the battle had not been kind to Astral Swords as their numbers were significantly weakened and spent the next couple of centuries rebuilding their numbers, as the warp storms of the Age of Apostasy had made warp travel all but impossible to do safely but when they were seen again their Librarians were forever changed into the sigil wielders seen today.

Again, it is extremely doubtful that any of the looted tech and relics your marines took could be any use to them, and would certainly not change their entire Librarian. Even if you did, that is Heresy. The Inquisition is gonna be so far up your behind if they catch wind of you using Eldar tech and sorcery that if you're gonna be screwed. Not to mention the AdMech, who probably wouldn't take kindly to you playing with Xenotech behind their back.