Brother Michaels Posted March 31, 2011 Share Posted March 31, 2011 The Unbound Hey everyone I am currently creating a loyal renegade chapter that ties in with the Astral Saviors and the Star Saviors hereI will be updating them on this post and also on new posts but everything will be stored on here. I also hgave changed my chapter a bit into full renegades.First of all aswell as a name a have a colour scheme that i am ready to keep: An Unbound Marine http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/hq2.gif); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-position: 8px 2px; padding: 12px 8px 12px 8px; border: 1px solid #DDD; margin-left: 0 auto; text-align: left; color: #fff; text-indent:50px; font-size:130%; width:50%;">Notable Battles (ROUGH DRAFT)During a routine patrol around the western perimeter of the Emperors domain the Astral Saviors 3rd company strike cruiser received a distress call from the nearby world of Feaura. The planet was under attack by daemons. Estimates put the size of the daemon host at well over 300 and the codex would have suggested waiting for the aid of other battle compnies before making planetfall, but the pure hatred of the daemons who were responsible for the death of the chapters original chapter master sinon falco overcame the captain of the third company and they made planetfall near to the main hive city on Feaura. After readying the PDF forces in the hive city and priming their defensive readiness the company lay in wait for the daemons. They did not have to wait long before daemons suddenly appeared within 200 metres of the hive city. Many of the automated defense systems were trained at a distance much further away and the daemons quickly closed the gap to the city wall without sustaining many casualties. A fierce battle raged through the night and just as the defenses were about to be overwhelmed four thunderhawk gunships appeared on the horizon containing the majority of the Astral Saviors 1st and 2nd companies. Together they drove the daemons back 51 miles from the hive city bit there they met larger resistance and the war was neared a stalemate. After 4 months of pushing forward and being pushed back an important event occured that would complicate the events further. Inbetween the two sides a massive traitor marine clad in tactical dreadnought armour appeared (the leader of my army). Immediatly the Astral Saviors opened fire on him but when the fury of withering fire dissapeared the figure was left unscathed. He took of his helmet, threw it at the feet of Calistro Odin (astral saviors chapter master) and dissapeared.This had no immediate effect on either army but the event would eventually change a huge part of the Astral Saviors history. Another 2 months went by with neither side making any significant gain and many of the reserve companies battle brothers replacing the dead in the battle companies. Appearing on the horizon were a flight of thunderhawks pianted in unfamiliar colours (the star saviors). From these thunderhawks appeared astartes battle brothers. Caught between two space marine forces the daemons were crushed and banished back to the warp. Calistro Odin arranged a meeting between the two forces but the other astartes leader refused to the great anger of the chapter master. Calistro and his Starknights marched out to meet the opposing leader in his own camp. As they neared the opposing camp they caught sight of alien Tau swarming around the camp. Calistro immediatly called his forces to attack. Astartes met astartes on the field of battle and it didnt take the Astral Saviors long to realise the foe was using different and often more powerful weaponry. The battle continued much in the same way as the previous as no side advanced further than a couple of miles before being pushed back. This took its toll on the Astral Saviors with there battle and resertve companies reaching dangerously low levels. There usual hit and run warfare was being snuffed out by the star saviors and the mass jump infantry attacks were being easily repelled. Just as Calistro Odin waqs aboput to admit defeat and leave the planet to the opposition a mighty host of chaos warriors appeared at the rear of the star saviors battle line. the chapter recieved heavy casulties and retreated backwards. The roles had been reversed and now the astral saviors had the upper hand. The star saviors were also in the position of being about to retreat when the chaos warriors appeared again.......this time behind the astral saviors battle line. The astral saviors recieved heavy casulties before the traitor astartes turned againon the star saviors. The chaos astartes then once again dissapeared. Neither of the astral saviors nor star saviors could afford another battle and retreated back into space. Both chapters went into a period of heavy rebuilding and ever since the astral saviors have been occasionly helped or hindered by the mysterious chaos terminators forces. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/226200-the-unbound/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinzaren Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 First thoughts are that the color scheme seems a bit... drab... Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/226200-the-unbound/#findComment-2708782 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keyboard Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 loyal renegade chapter What-now? I agree, colour scheme is a bit dull to me. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/226200-the-unbound/#findComment-2708800 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Michaels Posted April 1, 2011 Author Share Posted April 1, 2011 loyal renegade chapter What-now? I agree, colour scheme is a bit dull to me. what do you suggest? and btw its a chapter thats renegade but not gone chaos like the soul drinkers Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/226200-the-unbound/#findComment-2709170 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 Color scheme is fine, perhaps a different color for the aquila .. in the end the color is no big deal and whatever you choose is fine. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/226200-the-unbound/#findComment-2709175 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Michaels Posted April 1, 2011 Author Share Posted April 1, 2011 Color scheme is fine, perhaps a different color for the aquila .. in the end the color is no big deal and whatever you choose is fine. thanks well the aquila colour is supposed to be tin bitz Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/226200-the-unbound/#findComment-2709214 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 Color scheme is fine, perhaps a different color for the aquila .. in the end the color is no big deal and whatever you choose is fine. thanks well the aquila colour is supposed to be tin bitz (EDIT EDIT: Pic no longer needed, and erased as according to Inquisitorial Dictate 927. Or was it 928? Meh, doesn't matter.) On the newest painter, that's the preset colour for Tin Bitz, if that's any use to you. :o EDIT 'that' being the grey thing on the aquila. I tried a couple of riffs on this theme, and found colouring the legs from the knees down in the same blue as the shoulder trim to look pretty good, but my taste lean towards the colourful with marine colour schemes. :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/226200-the-unbound/#findComment-2709942 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Michaels Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 right ive started to edit my chapter now Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/226200-the-unbound/#findComment-2729754 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Banelord Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 The planet was under attack by daemons. Estimates put the size of the daemon host at well over 300 and the codex would have suggested waiting for the aid of other battle companies before making planetfall, but the pure hatred of the daemons who were responsible for the death of the chapters original chapter master sinon falco overcame the captain of the third company and they made planetfall near to the main hive city on Feaura. Just remember daemon hunting is the job of the Grey Knights, so they would probably get involved at some point. A prime example of this is the first battle of Armageddon; Logan Grimnar had a full company of Grey Knights backing him up against the daemon armies of Angron. Maybe they are the "suggested aid" your suppose to wait for? ;) And how did the daemons get there? Did they get summoned by a cult? Or is there a very powerful warp storm in the area allowing them to manifest themselves? As an old chaos player -_- I would suggest to start with rebellion due to a chaos cult and things slowly get worse, then the sudden appearance of the Traitor legions and then daemons. :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/226200-the-unbound/#findComment-2729887 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinzaren Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 During a routine patrol around the western perimeter of the Emperors domain the Astral Saviors 3rd company strike cruiser received a distress call from the nearby world of Feaura. The planet was under attack by daemons. Estimates put the size of the daemon host at well over 300 and the codex would have suggested waiting for the aid of other battle compnies before making planetfall, but the pure hatred of the daemons who were responsible for the death of the chapters original chapter master sinon falco overcame the captain of the third company and they made planetfall near to the main hive city on Feaura. Wait a minute... A routine patrol brings them back into confrontation with the exact same demons that slew their original Chapter Master? That seems very unlikely. Deus Ex Chaos at its finest. After readying the PDF forces in the hive city and priming their defensive readiness the company lay in wait for the daemons. They did not have to wait long before daemons suddenly appeared within 200 metres of the hive city. Wait, I thought the city was already under attack? How would they have time to land and fortify a city? Many of the automated defense systems were trained at a distance much further away and the daemons quickly closed the gap to the city wall without sustaining many casualties. A fierce battle raged through the night and just as the defenses were about to be overwhelmed four thunderhawk gunships appeared on the horizon containing the majority of the Astral Saviors 1st and 2nd companies. Maybe my knowledge of the auto-defenses is unclear, but I would think they would be able to quickly turn and engage a new, closer threat. Also, a Thunderhawk can carry 30 marines, less if Terminators are involved. If you want the majority of 2 companies to arrive in style, you will need more Thunderhawks. Together they drove the daemons back 51 miles from the hive city bit there they met larger resistance and the war was neared a stalemate. After 4 months of pushing forward and being pushed back an important event occured that would complicate the events further. That seems like a strangely accurate number. Why 51 miles exactly? Why does the reader need to know that in the first place? In between the two sides a massive traitor marine clad in tactical dreadnought armour appeared (the leader of my army). Immediatly the Astral Saviors opened fire on him but when the fury of withering fire dissapeared the figure was left unscathed. He took of his helmet, threw it at the feet of Calistro Odin (astral saviors chapter master) and dissapeared. That seems... unlikely. I highly doubt he would be unscathed after that much firepower. It just seems to awesome. Also, why is he throwing away his helmet? This had no immediate effect on either army but the event would eventually change a huge part of the Astral Saviors history. Another 2 months went by with neither side making any significant gain and many of the reserve companies battle brothers replacing the dead in the battle companies. Appearing on the horizon were a flight of thunderhawks pianted in unfamiliar colours (the star saviors). From these thunderhawks appeared astartes battle brothers. Caught between two space marine forces the daemons were crushed and banished back to the warp. How did the demons stay in the world for over 6 months without a huge warp portal? And how did the Astartes not destroy it early in the campaign? This seems like a campaign that went on far to long to be realistic against demons. Their tethers to the real world are fragile at best, and an army the size you are suggesting is clearly the work of a massive cult or warp rift. Something this major would definitely see the Ordo Malleus and the Grey Knights involved eventually. Calistro Odin arranged a meeting between the two forces but the other astartes leader refused to the great anger of the chapter master. Calistro and his Starknights marched out to meet the opposing leader in his own camp. What are the Starknights? I thought these were the Astral Saviors? As they neared the opposing camp they caught sight of alien Tau swarming around the camp. Calistro immediatly called his forces to attack. Astartes met astartes on the field of battle and it didnt take the Astral Saviors long to realise the foe was using different and often more powerful weaponry. The battle continued much in the same way as the previous as no side advanced further than a couple of miles before being pushed back. If your force is that weakened, and the new Astartes are fresh into the battle, as well as wielding bizarre and powerful tech, you wouldn't be involved in a stalemate that involved some give and take. You would be slaughtered. Also, I haven't completely read the backstories for the Astral Saviors and the Star Saviors, but it seems like you are writing out huge batches of their fluff, most of which seems to have very little to do with your chapter, at least thus far. Where is all this going? This took its toll on the Astral Saviors with there battle and resertve companies reaching dangerously low levels. There usual hit and run warfare was being snuffed out by the star saviors and the mass jump infantry attacks were being easily repelled. Just as Calistro Odin waqs aboput to admit defeat and leave the planet to the opposition a mighty host of chaos warriors appeared at the rear of the star saviors battle line. the chapter recieved heavy casulties and retreated backwards. The roles had been reversed and now the astral saviors had the upper hand. The star saviors were also in the position of being about to retreat when the chaos warriors appeared again.......this time behind the astral saviors battle line. So are they teleporting? Are they retreating? Also, this just seems silly. What possible motivation could a traitor chapter have for helping and hindering your chapter? Also, I'm not sure it was intentional or not, but you are making it seem like the Astral Saviors are getting beaten up at every opportunity. How do they even have any men left? It seems like they should have been wiped out months ago. Lastly, you seemed to be deliberately avoiding naming the new Chapter earlier, now you are referring to them as the Star Saviors without referencing that at all. It's slightly confusing, and it leads the reader wondering why you didn't just call them the Star Saviors when they first appeared. The astral saviors recieved heavy casulties before the traitor astartes turned againon the star saviors. The chaos astartes then once again dissapeared. Neither of the astral saviors nor star saviors could afford another battle and retreated back into space. Both chapters went into a period of heavy rebuilding and ever since the astral saviors have been occasionly helped or hindered by the mysterious chaos terminators forces. If this article is about the traitor faction, they seem very M.I.S.S (Me? I'm. So. Super.) But, the way it is written, I have no idea who it is about. It's one big blocky paragraph about a battle, which is kind of boring. It tells me nothing about the Traitors who it's supposed to be about, and it doesn't offer any insight into either the Star Saviors, or the Astral Saviors, beyond that the former work with Tau, and the latter seem to be rather incompetent. I would suggest a rewrite, with more focus on the Traitors, less on the Astral Saviors, and less on the battle. I want to know more about the renegades because I can read about the Astral Saviors and the Star Saviors in their respective IAs. Hopefully that helps, sorry if it seemed a bit harsh. Seems like a cool concept to tie your renegades to 2 different chapters, and I am interested to see how it goes. This paragraph didn't really help or peak my interest at all though. Sorry :( Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/226200-the-unbound/#findComment-2729911 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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