My First Attempt at Writing.

[Newtype]

Good day all.

 

I have tried my hand at creative writing for the first time and thought I would post it here for commentary. Check IT: Black Razor for the history of my Chapter. This story takes place just after they have declared themselves renagade and are faced with trying to reclaim their Battle Barge. I will post more as I write it so please enjoy what I have so far.

 

 

Gambit

 

Eighty-seven hours ago the Chapter received an astropathic vision from the Honors' Crusade. They were positioned deep in

the asteroid seas of Marders' Eye; the same system where the Irritus Arx had been lost almost four centuries prior.

 

The ship had been damaged in an engagement with the Adaptus Mechanicus, and was now concealed to affect repairs. But the longer

they remained in system, the greater the chances were of them being discovered. Something would have to be attempted to bring the

venerable barge back to the Chapter and soon.

 

Tagg had summoned Voroll Tarkin and Master of the Fleet Bertos Dom to try and devise a plan to return the ship back to the Chapter.

That had been fifty-two hours ago.

 

The plan Dom had purposed and what he was now briefing Captains Dralen Ular and Harkaen Shrike on was to use servitor controlled

relays to guide the Battle Barge to an ambush point where Caestus Assault Rams, launched from the Strike Cruiser Oath of Faith, would

intercept the pursuing Admech ships.

 

That diversion would allow Tarkin along with a Navigatio Cogitare, to board the Honors' Crusade and provide its Navigator with the means

of rendezvousing with another ship within the warp.

 

“Rendezvous within the warp? That is impossible!”

 

“Not impossible." Dom answered as he stood by the large viewing port. He had maintained that position for the whole of the meeting, never

taking his eyes off the stars and ships that stretched out beyond the meter thick crystal.

 

'I wonder if every Master of the Fleet stands like that?' Tagg observed randomly as Bertos turned to face Captain Ular.

 

"Highly improbable and very, very dangerous. But I do not see us having a lot of choices. We must minimize our chances of something

going wrong. A Naviatio Cogitare and their twin act as directional locators, allowing a Navigator to precisely guide his vessel to the position

of the other one. The prize in this case is worth the risk and the cost."

 

“What cost?" Brother Dralen Ular asked back. He was a veteran of the Fifth Company's Third Squad, but now he was Captain of what

remained of the Company.

 

The Admech had attacked while their strike cruiser was docked for resupply. To save the ship, Dralen was ordered to break out immediately

under full power. Tearing free of the mooring anchors, the Glory of Purpose rammed its way through the space docks and entered the warp

as it's escort frigates sacrificed themselves to delay the Admech pursuers.

 

His squad and one other were onboard at the time of their escape. Dralen managed to rescue three more squads on deployment before the

Admech reached them. The rest were lost.

 

Tagg knew Ular needed to prove himself in battle to both Company and Chapter and this mission would fulfill both. Harkaen Shrike on the

other hand was the most experienced and blood thirsty assault marine Tagg had ever commanded. He was perfect to lead the assault on

the Admech ships.

 

"The cost is the sacrifice of a rare and valuable resource Captain. The only way for the twin Cogitare to feel each other is for them to be

held near death. Their bodies must be physically broken for their minds to find and focus on each other across the warp."

 

"If this succeeds, the Frigate Hammerfall with the other Naviatio Cogitare on board, will lead the Battle Barge back to the system we

are in now. Meanwhile the Oath of Faith will recover the assault rams and return as it is able."

 

Jorgen knew the risks involved in remaining here for as long as he had, but there was really no other choice. The final confrontation with

Xyleon had inflicted heavy damage to several of his ships as well as the Tau Convoy. Damage that needed to be repaired before anyone

could depart the system.

 

"You all know what needs to be done. Dismissed."

 

After Bertos and the two Captains left, Tagg sat back down at his campaign desk. He was beginning to feel tired. Not from physical

exhaustion or lack of sleep but from concentrating on one task for too long. He took a long drink from the pitcher he keep nearby.

 

He looked through the projected map of Marders’ Eye and studied the face of the Marine sitting across from him. Viewed through the

monochromatic image, the angular and hollow features of the elder warrior resembled an undead specter trapped within the scared and

ancient power armor he wore. His left eye reflected the light of the map as he himself studied Tagg.

 

"This is going to be our best chance to return the Honors' Crusade to us. Without it we will be condemned to degeneration into nothing

more than pirates, mercenaries and perhaps worse."

 

"There are some Brothers who say we are perhaps worse already."

 

"If there was ever a hint of that behind my actions, you would have cut me down long ago my old and wise Chaplin."

 

"And that is why I am leading this mission."

 

Voroll Tarkin, First Chaplin of the Chapter, maintained eye contact with Tagg as he slowly rose from the field chair and unclipped

the Crozius Arcanum from his equipment webbing. His expression said nothing as he placed it upon the desk between them.

 

The head of the power weapon, shaped like a highly stylized Imperial Aquila, blocked the projection crystal, causing the map to wink

out of existence. "I will not carry it for this mission."

 

He reached to the side and picked his helmet up from the desk. Crafted into the shape of a domed white skull, it had an imaging magnifier

where the right lens crystal would be. This was a match to the interface socket that had replaced his own right eye over two centuries ago.

 

Placing it under his arm he turned and moved to the back wall of the Command Chamber where he respectfully removed a large and

heavy relic blade from its place in the Reliquary of the Champion. He studied the crystal blade with the scrutiny of the

Company Champion he himself had once been.

 

Reflected in the glass smooth surface he saw an aged and lined face, the interface socket an empty void in the reflection.

He thumbed the activation crystal and the blade rippled as the power and phase field generators within it energized.

He felt the same shiver in his arm when he activated his Crozius Arcanum.

 

The blade glowed with a harsh turquoise radiance and the Chaplin moved his hand to get a feel for its balance and character.

In the after image of the blade, smoky trails of memories formed.

 

Tarkin closed his eye and saw himself recover the sword from the dead hand of Champion Maceus and then leap at the Chaos Traitor Revik.

Then he was standing before Chapter Master Cordo Song holding the Gauntlet of the Champion; its adamantine chain used to bind the

Relic Blade into the hand of the one who carried it.

 

He replayed the expedition into the Tanhauzer Abyss and the rescue of Gollus Tarko, a Chaplin of the Sable Swords.

Then the face of First Chaplin Torrez solidified and he again experienced his final Test of Faith; earning him the Corzius Arcanum

and Skull Helm he had worn ever since.

 

He saw himself and Chaplin Torres standing behind a kneeling Barstron Joth as they invested the new Chapter Master with the

Helm of Marr and the Guard of the Fallen; a power field equipped shoulder guard that rendered its wearer invulnerable.

 

His chest then tightened, as he relived the anguish of the loss of Joth, the Irritus Arx, and the chaos that followed. The Chapter had been

nearly crippled, but the Captains maintained discipline, and channeled the growing mistrust of the Admech into the enemies they faced.

 

Tarkin blinked away blood as he killed the Governor of Ordem V for mutating his population to hide his own crimes. After that was

the Dark Mechanicus Coven on a forgotten outpost orbiting Kylon II; conducting unholy experiments on citizens of the nearby moons.

And after that, came the Tyranids.

 

The long and difficult hunt for the source of the xeno infestations had lead to the betrayal of the Chapter by the Adeptus Mechanicus.

So far removed from Humanity and the Emperor that they forgot it was Man that came first not the Machine.

'I serve the Emperor and Mankind first and only.' he reminded himself as he opened his eye.

 

He brought the blade vertical, presenting it to the shrine in a salute and then deactivated it.

"Tell Champion Orthon that I will honor the sword and ensure it returns having killed the enemies of the Chapter and the Emperor."

 

He moved to the entrance but momentarily halted before the door threshold and without turning to face Tagg, said in an

accepting tone: "But remember what that Mace stands for Tagg. For even though I am following you down the road of damnation in the

eyes of the Imperium, I know your heart and soul are pure, and you have not and will not betray your oaths to Humanity or The Emperor."

 

He stepped forward and the door cycled open. As he went through he added: “Be careful in dealing with Them."

 

As the door closed, Tagg again thought about 'Them'. And by that he was referring to the Rouge Traders, Free Merchants and Human Worlds

that resided on the edges of Imperial Law, Imperial Territory and Imperial Notice. He would have to be very careful indeed, but what did they

say about the Imperiuim? ‘More worlds have been forgotten than discovered.'

 

He got up and walked over to a small stand that held a basin, pitcher and towels. He poured cold water into the basin, scooped some up with

his hands, and threw it over his face. 'Emperor guide me.' he thought.

 

'The Emperor guides those who are willing to sacrifice all in His name.' The voice that answered was strong and clear within the confines

of Jorgen' mind.

 

'Get out of my thoughts if you would be so kind, Orteus.' Tagg responded with an equally strong inner voice. He reached for a towel as the

door cycled open.

 

Orteus Xander entered and waited as Tagg finished drying his face and placed the towel onto the back of the stand to dry. He wore the

same Scout issue boots and breaches that Brothers wore when performing duties not requiring power armor.

 

But instead of the tight duty tunic that Tagg had, he wore a longer and looser fitting one that was cinched at the waist by a rope belt.

The belt stood out against the pale gold of the tunic. It was blue and secured to itself by an ornate cast skull with ram horns that

curved down and around it.

 

There were two obvious differences between Jorgen and Otreus. The first was that Orteus was old. And this was most noticeable in his skin.

Instead of the albino coloration that Successor Chapters of the Raven Guard inherited, his skin had over the centuries taken on the look

of sun bleached bone. It was stretched tightly across a frame that had bathed in solar radiation from the core to the edge of the intergalactic void.

 

The second more striking difference was that Xander's scalp was missing. A ridge ran around the circumference of his head where his

scalp met the dark purple material that had replaced the top and back of his skull. The exposed cap collected resonant-crystal wires that

were threaded throughout his brain into nodes that dotted the cap in a specific pattern. It was these nodes that a psychic hood plugged

into whenever donned by a Marine.

 

"I am the only one who is able to do that Jorgen."

 

"It's probably because I still mistakenly trust you with my soul, Otreus. What is it?"

 

"Here" And the Master of the Librarium handed Tagg a data-scroll.

 

Unrolled, the parchment of the scroll presented Tagg with a report and images of an incident that occurred on one of the Tau ships

three days ago. He used his finger to rotate and manipulate the images.

 

Non-enhanced humans needed info-quills to do this, while Marines could do it as a side effect of the Black Carapace that was

interwoven under the subcutaneous layer of their skin. "What is your assessment?"

 

"The trauma of the assault was what triggered the emergence. The fact that it was her father and two brothers made it especially hellish.

It took all of the discipline of Codicer Nass to restrain the girl. She was extremely strong and remarkably stable for such a traumatic emergence."

 

Tagg read that Nass had been onboard the ship to investigate some of the human passengers under Xanders' orders. He was passing a

habitat section when he felt a sudden surge of wind and heard screams of terror and fear within his mind just as the section's klaxons

sounded an alarm. Realizing what he had experienced, Nass followed the ethereal wake to living quarters inside.

 

As he approached, he saw that the Tau and Humans in the section had fallen unconscious or to their knees stunned, hands gripping their

temples in agony. Blood ran from the nostrils and ears of some of the crew and passengers while inside, the living quarters were a

scene of carnage and death.

 

Pieces of one body, the father’s, were flung across the room with meat and blood staining the walls, ceiling and floor. His head was found

in a corner of the chamber with the face contorted into a mad grinning leer. A second body, the younger brother, was lying on the ground

having been literally torn apart at the limbs. The same mad grinning leer contorted across the face as well.

 

The older brother was found alive and lying near the prone form of an unconscious teen girl. His body looked like it had been smashed by

blows from a large mace or maul. His expression however melted disturbingly back and forth between that of the other two males and an

expression of pain and torment.

 

To the normal eye that was all that could be seen. But the third eye revealed much more. The Codicer saw a second aura that surrounded

the living brother. A shifting inky purple-black, it extruded tendrils of energy that bridged the space between the unconscious bodies and

was entwining itself into the aura of the comatose girl.

 

“Chaos” Nass cursed as he saw the process of possession taking place.

 

With a sudden wail that scorched the room in a blast of heat, the girl's body arched up and her eyes opened, casting beams of power up

into the ceiling. Nass reacted immediately to erect barriers within the mind of the girl and control the psychic emergence while moving to

prevent the possession of the girl by whatever entity was in control of the brother.

 

All this was occurring on a plane that was not visible to the warp dead eyes of the Tau Security detail as it arrived.

The room had turned into a furnace and they were held at the entrance by a wall of heat.

 

Through the haze they could see the marine, down on one knee, draw his force sword and slice down into the floor beside the girl.

What they could not see was the blade cutting through and severing the psychic tendrils that would have condemned the girl to a far

more horrific existence had she lived.

 

The girl was not out of danger though and verged on the uncontrollable. Nass erected a dome of power to isolate both of them from

the brother and then placed one armored hand over the face and head of the girl. He recited five canticles of focus and brought up

barriers of willpower to contain and control the warp link formed in the girls mind.

 

He then did something that as far as he knew; only Librarians could do. He transitioned the portion of his mind that was maintaining

control over the girl to what was referred to as the "Second self."

 

Due to the complex interactions between a psychic's mind and the Catalepsean Node, a Librarian could learn to do more than switch

off portions of his brain to sleep. He could split his attention into two separate selves. This allowed him to concentrate and perform

two different tasks at the same time. Satisfied, his "Prime self" focused on the prone body of the brother and reversed the grip

on his sword.

 

Shifting so as not to break physical contact with the girl, he lifted the sword up and with psychic energy crackling through and across

the crystal structure of the blade, plunged the tip down into the head of the older boy like a knife stabbing into a table.

The sword went through the skull and down into the floor panels half way up the blade.

 

With a flash of black light and release of energy, a scream of madness and rage erupted from the open mouth of the boy.

It passed over him like a shock wave as whatever was using the body of the brother as a host died.

 

Leaving the sword impaled in the floor he acted quickly to try and prevent this from getting any worse.

"Master Xander, this is Codicer Nass. I need your aid quickly"

 

Tagg glanced up from the scroll. He had slowly crossed the room again while reading the report and now stood by the desk.

 

"It would seem that Nass was lucky that the emergence of the girl incapacitated that habitat section of the ship, while the death

of the demon stunned the responding warriors long enough for you to interfere and get them off ship."

 

He looked directly at Orteus. “You knew this was going to happen, didn't you?"

 

"Yes I did."

 

Orteus Xander had been Master of the Librarium long before Tagg had earned the rank of Captain. In their service together, both of

them had learned to accept the instincts and leadership of each other explicitly. That and Jorgen had heard the explanation

of 'emergence precognition' far too many times.

 

"I know we are going to need her kind if we are to persevere; so I assume you have…”

 

"Placed her into a null cell where her powers and potential can then be assessed under controlled conditions.”

 

All Marine ships had null cells. They were special isolation chambers that disconnected a psychic from the presence of the warp itself.

It was a horrific form of torment or a joyous solitude depending on the person who was placed there.

 

These were designed to hold and nullify a full Battle Brother. For a normal human, it would be a pit of hell. But that is what was needed

to deal with an uncontrolled psychic.

 

"I needed Brother Nass to confirm some things that I have been investigating ever since we first came into contact with this Tau convoy.

I also had to assess his abilities and mental fortitude before he could be allowed to petition for the rank of Epistolary."

 

"And…"

 

"The girl is the eighteenth to emerge within the human population. Here, look at this."

 

Xander handed over a second data scroll. Tagg placed the first one down and unrolled this one. As he began to go through it his face

remained impassive, but Orteus could feel the unease that formed around Tagg.

 

This report provided descriptions and images of another seventeen humans. A mix of adolescent children and adults, they had all

undergone psychic emergence and were now sedated or under lockdown onboard the Tau Command ship.

 

"That is too many for a small population to produce within such a short time."

 

“Yes. And that is just part of a larger more dangerous problem we face.”

 

“And which problem would that be?” Tagg's use of sarcasm was sometimes lost on the Librarian, but Orteus knew where it was coming

from this time. “That our loyal Chapter has been declared renegade and traitor by the Admech and Inquisition? That the system we

track a Tyranid splinter infestation back to contains not only a Tau convoy but a Demiurge hulk as well? That the best way to get our

Battle Barge back is to attempt to rendezvous within the warp? Or is this an entirely new problem we face?”

 

"An entirely new problem; but one that will help us solve this Kellers Knot we are trying to undo. Every human in that convoy is a psyker.

There are various ability potentials just under the threshold but they all have the Dark Gift.”

 

“What?” Tagg was taken aback by that answer. Just as quickly though he started to think about what had happened.

As he pictured the various players and pieces; the Tyranids, the Tau convoy, the Demiurge hulk, the system itself, patterns of

probability and causality emerged. Patterns subtle in their presence and relation to each other. Patterns being formed and

influenced; changed and manipulated.

 

'We are being used.' came an unsettling thought. He sat down and looked straight at his Master of the Librarium and

said carefully: "You know what is going on here. Or you have an idea."

 

“I think so." Orteus answered in an equally measured tone.

 

"We are at the edge of the north eastern galactic arm, on the shoals of the Eastern Fringe. Beyond which lies the starless abyss;

and beyond that the band of stars and dust that marks the galactic arm where Ultramar and the Tau reside. We know that the Tau

use an artificial drive that is capable of only shallow transitions into the warp. A journey to this system would be impossible.”

 

"Yes."

 

“And the chances that all the humans in a Tau convoy have the gift is also impossible. Could we be seeing the Tau equivalent of

the Black Ships?"

 

“No. There is fear, but it is the fear brought on by the here and the now, what has happened and what they think will happen.

It is not the not the fear and terror that permeates the Black Ships and their condemned cargo.”

 

The Inquisitorial Black Ships carried an endless tithe of psykers to Holy Terra. To be bound into service to the Imperium or

sacrificed to feed the unending hunger of the Immortal Emperor and the Astronomicon.

 

“Then the convoy was brought here on purpose, but how? And why? "

 

"By manipulating the collective subconscious of the humans within the warp, the convoy could have been guided here.

The Tau have the same presence within the warp as animals do, and would not have perceived what was going on around them."

 

"But what is triggering the psychic awakening within the humans? Is it this system? Their exposure to the Warp?"

 

“It is the system I think. It sits within a Kierbay Bubble.”

 

“A Kierbay Bubble?”

 

“An unpredictable and dangerous anomaly that places the system both within the Immaterium and separate from it.

To an entity or ship it would appear as a bubble within the fluid unreality of the warp.”

 

“But why bring them here?"

 

"Because Chaos abhors a vacuum as much as nature does. If the convoy consumed itself in madness and blood, Chaos could

possess the system and collapse the bubble from within. The Tyranids may have sensed it as an anomaly in their field of perception

and been drawn to it naturally. Their presence would have only quickened the possession and destruction of the convoy."

 

“And if the Tau stay in system longer, will the emergences continue? “

 

"Yes. It is only a matter of time until the convoy consumes itself and Chaos rules over this system. We have only slowed it down."

 

Tagg breathed deeply and slowly as he considered what he had before him. With no turning back from the path of renegade in the

eyes of the Imperium, he had to contemplate certain facts; one of which was that they would need psychics.

 

A Marine Chapter was capable of training their own but they would need recruits, and Emperor wiling, there might be some potential

humans within this convoy. He made up his mind and then pressed a pattern of runes that linked the Command Chamber with the

Strike Cruiser's bridge. "This is Tagg."

 

"What are your orders Chapter Master?" The voice of Captain Izen responded back through the address system.

 

Jorgen thought of correcting the Captain as the title had not been formally bestowed upon him, but then stopped himself.

'You made the decisions and issued the orders. You stepped forward when called to. They would have followed nothing less.’

He looked at his Master of the Librarium.

 

"Have a Thunderhawk prepared for launch. Then inform the Tau Shas’El that I and Master Xander will be transporting across

to her ship within the next two Imperial standard hours."

 

"It will be standing by in Launch Bay One Chapter Master."

 

"Very well, Tagg out." He crossed his arms. “We have been presented an opportunity to gain some of the resources and materials

we need to sustain us on our path of renegade."

 

"So we will tell the Shas’El the truth?”

 

"Yes. You and I will inform her that the humans onboard her convoy have the rancid taint of Chaos to them and if she wishes to live,

she will hand them over to us, along with any more we deem potentially useful.”

 

“What if she refuses?”

 

“She cannot and will not. Because one: it is for the greater good of the many to sacrifice a few. And two: she owes her life and

those of her convoy to our decision to shoot the Admech instead of her.”

 

“What if the humans we select refuse?”

 

“If they are all Psykers, then there has to be someone who has fought the touch of Chaos and knows that there is no choice.

If they prove useful to us, we will offer them a chance to live. If not, we will render them into what we need to keep the ones we

have healthy." He considered what could unfold in the next few hours.

 

"The rest will be hers to deal with once she has escaped this system. If they somehow make it back to Tau space, then the Emperor

has blessed them. If Chaos consumes them then it was meant to be. However I will take any chances. Assemble five men and then

meet me in the launch bay."

 

The Master of the Librarium nodded in agreement and turned to leave as Tagg studied the Crozious Arcanum that Tarkin had left behind.

The open eye of the Aquila seemed to stare right at him.

 

After a moment of thought he added: "And pray."

 

"Pray?"

 

"That she is reasonable whether she accepts our truth or not."

 

"Indeed." Xander replied as he exited the Command Chamber to prepare himself and his men.

 

"Because if she is not." Jorgen said to both himself and the empty room as he again linked to the bridge, "She will have condemned her convoy to death; and I am tired of being executioner."

 

"Chapter Master?"

 

"Captain Izen, I need you to inform all ships to prepare firing plots against the Tau convoy. Priority to the human transports.

The execution command is to be ‘Emperors Merciful’. Inform me when you have received acknowledgement from all ships."

 

"By your command Lord.”

 

* * * * *

 

“Your Earth and Air Castes are not even close to explaining why and how your convoy got here are they?”

 

“No. They are not.”

 

Tagg saw the look of disillusionment as it crossed the face of the Tau Shas’El as she answered. ‘And you never will.’ he thought.

You could not conceive of the psychic without being psychic. And without that conceptual foundation, science and technology would

always break down. One could not exist without the other.

 

Both Tagg and Xander knew this, but it had taken nearly three hours and the intervention of the Shas'El's senior human adviser to

drive that point home. With her finally admitting the failing of her science, Tagg could see a resolution in sight that would allow both

of them avoid a very one sided confrontation.

 

* * * * *

 

The flight deck was dark and the lights of the various control panels resembled geometric constellations surrounding the two Marine pilots.

The large control block behind their seats housed the Machine Spirit Reliquary. A black armored sphere cradled in power feeds, neural

feedback harnesses and bio-cooling systems, every centimeter of its' surface was engraved with technomantic circuitry paths glowing

with induced power.

 

Within the sphere, floating in a protein suspension syrup was ‘nothing more than an artificially grown brain, patterned after an aerial

predator and conditioned to view the systems of the gunship as parts of its own body.’

 

At least that is what Master of the Forge Hawlus reduced it to when explaining it to Tagg. Stripped of the Machine God trappings,

it was nothing more than an artificial animal with a machine body. Created by man to do what he needed it to do.

 

There was nothing wrong with giving a machine the respect, praise and honor that you would anything your life depended upon.

Mankind had been doing it for his entire existence. But the unforgivable sin occurred when you placed reverence for the 'Machine' above that of Man.

 

“We should not have succeeded this easily.” Orteus said from the observer seat located at the aft systems console.

Tagg sat in the second seat beside the access ladder to the hold below the flight deck.

 

“Possibly. But we provided her an explanation of what was happening when none of her reason and science could.

Her senior human adviser had his suspicions but could not make them understand. He was psychic as well was he not?”

 

“Yes and a very disciplined and powerful one at that. He presented a challenge that I accepted and we fought to an agreeable conclusion;

proving to him that we presented the truth and had no hidden agenda. Which is why he sided with us in convincing his commander that

we were really telling the truth."

 

Tagg got up and stepped over to the ladder. He descended and acknowledged the salute of the Veteran Brother at its base. "Lord"

 

"At ease Brother Vieten."

 

The hold of a Thunderhawk Gunship could hold thirty full armored Marines. Now it contained twenty three humans and five brethren.

Eight of the adults were shackled and held within nullifying harnesses; their heads enclosed in helms that disrupted the psychic links

within their minds. This allowed them to be controlled and transported.

 

Six more were housed inside stasis sarcophagi that placed the mind and body in a state of frozen inexistence. These ones had been

in the medical bay in a state of induced coma. Kept at a point of near death to stop all but the most rudimentary and reflexive brain activity.

 

The remaining nine were a mix of adults and teens that had the gift but had not yet had their psychic abilities emerge.

They looked terrified and so very small within the hold of the gunship.

 

'May the Emperor be merciful upon their souls.' Jorgen thought. 'Because I cannot be merciful to their bodies.'

[Corsair]

I was having a glance through the Librarium today after a long absence and noticed your thread, specifically the lack of responses. This is a real shame, and I only hope you are subscribed to this thread so you realise that someone replied. I know from my own experience that there is no worse feeling than pouring your heart into a piece of work, summoning the courage to get it out there, seeing a bunch of views, and...nothing. It's a heart breaker.

 

Firstly, congratulations on taking the plunge and actually writing, it's never an easy thing to do but the results are worth it.

 

Secondly, I want to say you have some very solid framework for this story, something many writers (not just new ones) often struggle with. Clear story goals for well realised characters in a nicely established setting, so well done for that. You also explore some interesting concepts and add some unique twists on existing ideas; I enjoyed the 'split personality' of the Librarian, for example, very cool idea.

 

Overall I think you have a very different, fun story here, and it is a work you can be proud of even if you never edit it again.

 

However, if you do, i have a few bits of criticism. The majority of what I would say has to do with being new to writing, so please don't take any offence.

 

Spelling mistakes are fairly common throughout (Chaplin for example). This is a personal preference, as many people feel drafts posted to forums don't need to be religiously spell checked. I'm not one of those people! Anything a writer does that makes a story hard to read is going to make less people read that story, it's that simple. Self-editing is VERY important (forgive me if any typos appear in my post, writing a forum post on an iPhone at work might well make me an unwitting hypocrite haha).

 

Parts of the story break the rule 'Show, don't tell' quite severely, the intro in particular is very dry and reads almost like the scene is being set in a movie script. Don't tell the reader this happened, then this happened, and this guy hates X because of Y; show us. Those few paragraphs you spend setting the scene could have been organically introduced via dialogue or the thought processes of the characters.

 

Finally, some style suggestions:

 

This kind of goes back to my first point regarding editing, but a lot of the language could be tightened up in your sentences. Remove extraneous words and needless adjectives, avoid overly long sentences, and try to minimise repeated usage of words in close proximity to each other. As I was taught, no need to say "'I ate your baby,'" he said and then he smiled evilly' when you can say "'I ate your baby,' he smiled" and have it achieve the same goal while being more effective; we KNOW the baby eater is evil, afterall, and the extra words just dilute the effect.

 

Also, try to breakup large passages of dialogue with facial expressions, grunts, fist fights, whatever. If something is taking massive paragraphs of unbroken speech to describe, ask yourself why? Could you not have an off-hand mention of the magic bauble and have one of the characters ponder it's purpose insead? A bit of exposition in dialogue to move a story along is fine, but dole it out, don't slather it on. Less is definitely more in these situations.

 

The absolute last point I want to make is grab your favourite fictional story, 40k or not, and read some passages of text. Examine how they handle conversation, scene establishment, battle, expression, whatever. Don't necessarily emulate what you see, but try to identify why it is that the author is writing what they have in that way. This can really, REALLY give you an insight into improving your own abilities, and will actually make you examine the things you read in a different light.

 

 

I really hope that none of the above is taken to be overly negative, because it is certainly not my intention. I think you have the makings of a very interesting story (and background for more stories) here, and the fact you are a neophyte at creative writing only makes what you have here more impressive. I apologise if you weren't looking for criticism of your work, but if you are I hope you find this a bit helpful.

 

I look forward to reading any future work you choose to publish, and I hope you keep on with the (mis)adventures of your Chapter.

[Monstra Sumus]

Baby eater. ;)

 

But yes, Corsair hits the nail on the head. In fact, I'll be having a rummage back through my work, I like to believe it's come a long way since I started it a few years back now.

 

I'd like to see more Newtype, it all depends on if your going to write it or not.

[Newtype]

Good day everyone.

 

First, thanks to both of you Brother Corsair and Brother Tyrax for your sugestions. I have worked on re-editing the story and have posted the changes back into the original post. I hope you think they are for the better.

 

Second, I have another short piece for your reading pleasure. This one details the finial confrontation between my Chapter and the Admech.

Again I will post more as I write it.

 

Now for your consideration:

 

 

 

“Incoming Admech ship Captain!” Brother Dellion shouted this from the rear of the Damocles Command Rhino just as Jorgen was

greeting the Tau Commander.

 

“Curse the Admech and that cragged Tech-Priest that leads them!” Jorgen said out load as his anger got the better of him.

He closed his eyes momentarily to focus before addressing the Commander. “Honoured Shas'El N'dras Eve'tal’oun, I will be quick.

We will not turn on you. I will not follow the Admech’s orders; so inform your ships that they can leave this system as soon as they can.”

 

Jorgen guessed what emotions played across the face of the Tau Commander. Was it disbelief, confusion? Tau features were almost

impossible to read, but he did recognize one emotion that was common to them both, shock. He turned to the Damocles as the driver

emerged to man the copula mounted storm bolter.

 

“How long do we have Brother Dellion?”

 

“Two to three minutes for visual range.”

 

The Damocles and his own Rhino were positioned back to back, their rear ramps opened to each other. He had requested this meeting

with the Tau convoy commander to let them know face to face what he intended to do; and had picked this open prairie basin because

of its accessibility and line of sight.

 

The Orca drop ship that carried the Tau had landed two hundred meters from where the two marine vehicles.

The Commander, her Advisor Group, and Fire Warrior escorts then walked the distance to where he stood waiting along with three

members of his own Command Squad; Brother Tartel, Brother Dravik and Champion Orthon. Now they stood waiting, scanning a

cloud scattered sky for the inbound ship.

 

“Why are you letting us go Tagg?” Eve'tal’oun asked. Her hand had never left the pommel of her personal blade but there was no

threat in her voice as she looked up at Jorgen standing beside her. The Gue’la had proven to be an equal to herself and her own

warrior code.

 

Jorgen continued to scan the sky. “Because I refuse to cut someone down who stood beside me and my men, sacrificing their own

lives to ensure the common survival of us all.”

 

“You have shown yourselves to be honourable and worthy of my respect, even though to the rest of the Imperium, you are nothing

more than xenos and race traitors.” He looked around and caught the gaze of the senior human adviser who stood within the Tau unit.

The elderly but still powerfully built human did not turn away from the Marine and acknowledged the Captain’s comment with a

respectful bow of his head.

 

“Your decision has been relayed to my command ship already honoured Shas’Tagg. But your Admech will never allow us to leave

when they learn of you decision; what then?”

 

“We fight our way out."

 

Two minutes later they sighted the Admech ship as it appeared on the western horizon and watched it grow larger and larger as it

approached fast and low over the dry lake bed.

 

A small tactical lender, the Admech ship was larger than the Tau Orca and took on the unsophisticated appearance of a brick as it

came directly towards them and then banked inwards to circle tightly around their position. The hull plating was crimson and

maintained to standards that the Black Razor had been unable to reach in a long time. Across the hull were equipment trenches

and bays containing sensor clusters, weapon ports, and other equipment.

 

“Damn Cog heads.”

 

“Silence Brother Dravik” chided Champion Orthon. “We are still ‘allied’ with them at this moment.”

Its horizontal velocity dropped to zero as it came back around and initiated the landing sequence. Lunes of dirt, grass and fine

stone formed; revealing the intersecting spherical boundaries of repulsion and power fields that cushioned the landing of the Admech

ship as it touched down only one hundred meters from the Rhinos and directly opposite to the Orca.

 

With the landing thrusters winding down, Tagg saw and heard boarding ramps unlock and freefall to the ground. Moments later

he also picked up the drumming of heavy armoured boots running down those ramps as four squads of Skitarii fanned out

from the ship. At a full run they advanced directly towards his group and halted only twenty five meters from where they stood.

 

Tagg heard Eve'tal’oun give the order to have all weapons and drone systems armed and ready to deploy. He tapped the vox

gem to the monitored unit frequency. "Damocles Novem, monitor everything you can. Brother Cron, be ready to screen us if

things turn critical."

 

His men formed up around him and the Tau Commander, bolters held at the ready. Orthon stood next to Tagg. “The Emperor will be

with us Captain.”

 

“I hope so Orthon. Otherwise we will die.”

 

The slight breeze blew across the open grassland as Xyleon and a personal guard approached. The Skitarii parted to allow their High

Priest to pass through. He ‘walked’ right up to Tagg; though it was more than human limbs that propelled the Tech-Priest from the way

the long crimson robes rippled.

 

'I wonder what parts are still human.' Tagg thought as he matched the gaze of the one human eye that was visible within the cowl that

closed around the Tech-Priest's head.

 

Three Marine sized close combat servitors stood back and remained focused on Tagg as Xyleon shouted at him. His vox amplified voice

hissing with impatience.

 

"What is the treasonous excuse for failing to obey the orders of the Machine God this time Tagg? You are bound by oaths to carry out

the will of the Omnisiah when requested to do so! If you do not immediately follow…”

 

“Shut up Xyleon! You do not order me to do anything! If I do not give them a chance to choose their own destiny, I will be insulting

the honour of those who fought and died here. They earned it and you will not do anything to prevent that.”

 

“Do not tell the Omnisiah what to do Astartes! The noose that is around your Chapter’s neck is tightening even now. I will give you

one more chance Marine!”

 

Tagg stared into that one real eye of the Tech-Priest. He saw the same mad gleam that he had seen in the eyes of Chaos Marines,

but there was something else though. Under that gleam was something darker. A cold and soulless being that was loyal only to

itself and which viewed everything else with contempt.

 

“Chaos take you and your Omnisiah!” Tagg snarled back at Xyleon; he had had enough of him. “If you move against the Tau Convoy,

I will order my men to open fire on every Admech ship that is within weapons range. And if the Emperor wills it, I will make sure that

you are the last one killed.” Then without taking his eyes off Xyleon, he addressed the Tau behind him.

 

"Shas'El N'dras Eve'tal’oun, I gave you my word that you would have the chance to go home. Do not waste it!”

 

‘This is it’ he thought, no longer hiding the anger and contempt he felt towards the Tech-Priest and his Machine God.

 

“For the greater good.” The Fire Warrior Captain said as everyone tensed, preparing to kill and die. Xyleon took one step towards

Tagg then froze.

 

A high pitch screech suddenly broadcast itself from within the cowl of the Priest. Made up of multiple tones and pulses that cascaded

up and down in intensity and frequency, there were stops and pauses that made it resemble a recorded conversation played back

at high speed.

 

Tagg recognized that. It was the same speech the Tech Marines used in interrogating the machine spirits of Astartes equipment.

‘What just happened?’ He thought.

 

“Have you confirmed it? I will return.” Xyleon vocalized in high gothic.

 

He drew himself up to his full height, which took him above Tagg’s head. The physical posturing failed to impress or intimidate

Jorgen. In fact all it did was confirm that his decision was right.

 

"You will pay for those treasonous words Astartes! You will soon answer to the Machine God!” He pivoted and returned to his ship.

In less than fifteen minutes, vegetation, dirt and stones were blowing past the Marines and Tau as the Admech ship lifted at full

power. “What just happened?” Brother Dravik asked, uncertainty giving his question an ominous tone.

 

“Something bad I think Captain.” Orthon said with equal weight.

 

“Yes, you may be right my old friend. Brother Delion!”

 

“Yes Captain?” Delion had taken up a defensive position at the rear corner of the Damocles when the Admech approached.

As the ship ascended, he moved to join his Captain.

 

“Contact every ship you are able to. But for the Emperor’s Grace, we should be dead; and I need to know why we are not.

Instruct all Captains to be on alert and monitor all Admech activity. Shas’El; if you are to see another day then get you convoy

moving now.”

[BlueWaterDragon]

Greetings Newtype!

 

I've been around here for a little while (Although I don't regularly post here anymore, with the exception of updates), and I must admit that at first read through this looks rather good. My helm is off to Corsair for his astute observations, but I would like to add my own small ones.

 

The first thing I noticed is the size of the first post. It is rather long, even if it's attempting to establish the set-up. It's a mistake I've made in the past and one that I try to avoid now. Cliffhanger endings for posts normally go down well.

 

For technical structure and grammar, :P I'll have to admit defeat on that one, I tend to live by writing what I can see on the inside of my eyelids and then reading it aloud until it works. Corsair gave you the exercise of having a look through a story you like and then seeing how the dialouge etc works. I have another idea for you that I was taught on the BL forum. Grab a picture you like, anything at all, could be a battle, a ship, even just a landscape and try to describe the image in detail. Take the landscape as an example. Is the sun shining (How many are there if it's a fantasy image!)? Is the wind blowing, and what does it smell like, is the sea close by or is there a wood to your back? Does the grass move or is it stiff tufts?

 

With the battle scene, focus on one person, it may not even be the guy at the front and center of the picture. Could be someone dying int he background. Who are they? What are they fighting for?

 

Go for bullet points to start with and then build it into a picture build of words. You only need to fill one sheet of A4 at the maximum, practice at it and you'll be able to write it with out using the bullet points and then you have freedom :).

 

Little work needed, but there again, if the God-Emperor made us perfect, why would we have the Adeptus Astartes?