Index Astartes: Marines Immaculate

[Felwether]

Hey, new to B&C but this seems to be the best place to get this posted up. I've actually been playing this army for a number of years now and I've finally written up their background. I've tried to keep the Mary Sue-isms to a minimum but it can be difficult when you're dealing with a homebrew chapter!

Anyway read away. Comments and criticism would be greatly appreciated.

Name: Marines Immaculate

Founding Chapter: Novamarines

Founding: 22nd

Chapter Master: Celsus Caelinus

Homeworld: Chiquaris (Destroyed)

Fortress-Monastery: The Bastion (Destroyed)

Main Colours: Quartered blue and silver

Specialty: Surgical strike, ship-to-ship combat

Estimated Strength: Approx. 400

Status: Renegade.

[Aegnor]

I like it. You've obviously been working on this for a while! Nothing glaringly wrong with it from my point of view. You've got a couple of instances where you almost gloss over pretty significant events (the fall being the most significant example) but in the context of the article as a whole, they work with there generally being enough supporting references around them to enable us the readers to reasonably make our own conclusions.

[Felwether]

Thanks for the feedback Aegnor, much appreciated.

 

I get what you're saying about the ambiguity of certain events in the article. I like the idea of there being multiple theories about their secession but I will definitely be coming back to flesh out these events in the near future. My gaming group is planning a big campaign this summer and I'm pretty sure the MI will have their fate decided then!

[Octavulg]

Name: Marines Immaculate

 

This is an...odd name. The sentiment is sound enough, but it just doesn't roll of the tongue (at least to me).

 

As part of the Sentinel Project they were one of a number of chapters founded to shore up perceived weaknesses in the Imperium's defences.

 

What Sentinel Project?

 

++REMOVED BY ORDER OF HIS MOST HOLY INQUISITION++ repeated.

 

Inquisitorial censorship is all very well, but we're trying to get a handle on who your chapter are. This just breaks the flow and obfuscates things.

 

Plus, things are rarely deleted by the Inquisition in IAs. Certainly, if they were, there wouldn't be much left of the Dark Angels'. :D

 

This is a situation that encouraged by the Marines Immaculate as it creates strong initiates. Indeed, when a particularly powerful king or chieftain rises to the fore and threatens to bring stability to the various disparate tribes, the Marines Immaculate have been known to step in, eliminating him quietly and thus maintaining the strife which creates such strong and resourceful people.

 

Your tenses are wrong - if the place is gone, you should use the past tense.

 

Indeed, you should really use the past tense throughout - IAs usually look back.

 

++NOTABLE BATTLES++

 

While these aren't uninteresting, and you write them well, they also don't add that much. Plus, battles tend to be discussed at the end of IAs, so I began mentally checking out as soon as I saw the section header. :wallbash: You could cover the events and their impact in even less space and without giving them their own section and be just fine, I think.

 

The most widely accepted story is that the Marines Immaculate had simply grown tired of their position within the Imperium and a number of senior brothers within the chapter had attempted to break away in order to forge their own destiny amongst the stars, or simply to pursue some kind of misguided crusade of vengeance against the Imperium that had created them. This theory seems to be corroborated by the Marines Immaculates' increasingly hardline approach to warfare and their well known disdain for the general populace of the Imperium, as well as the huge casualties they suffered on Alegra Sanctus. There are those, of course, who believe that the Marines Immaculate fell to chaos – despite an obvious lack of evidence. Many scholars cite ancient, long forgotten (and admittedly unsubstantiated) texts which suggest that something evil lay hidden beneath the surface of Chiquaris and that it somehow corrupted them.

 

The plus side - you avoided the trap of a chapter being changed by some single dramatic event.

 

The downside - this is one hell of an anticlimax. And no closure, either.

 

The Marines Immaculate as they exist today are practically unrecognisable in their organisation even if their tactics, for the most part, remain the same. They identify themselves as a chapter and under Caelinus' leadership have remained largely unified and cohesive, still maintaining organised companies and squads wherever they can. Strong leader or not, a century without logistical support is a long time even for a space marine chapter and cracks have begun to show. Marius Cato, young Captain of the third company has gained a strong following within the chapter and it is rumoured that he and those under his influence have begun to openly worship the Chaos Gods.

 

So how, exactly, has their organization changed so vastly if they still maintain companies etc?

 

* * *

 

Great components. But what's the point? There doesn't seem to be much of an overall theme, plot, or character to the chapter. I enjoyed reading it anyway, but what are you trying to accomplish?

 

I'd recommend reconsidering how you've got things organized - a more conventional format might work a little better. It also might be worth focusing a little less on some of the details of how the chapter works and a little more on their character so we can see how they (may have) fallen to Chaos. A chapter who just isn't quite pure enough to avoid an overzealous Inquisitor could be pretty interesting, for example. Let me know what you're trying to do and I think I'll be able to provide more insight.