opinions on a possible short story

[WorldEater79]

Hi everyone dont know if im in the right section of the forum for this but i was wondering if anyone could give me their opinions on a possible short story i have been thinking about writing. Please don't hold back on criticism, "murder my darlings as it were"(good ole' Jervis). This is a little description:

A Thunderhawk Gunship from the Doom Eagles chapter and a Storm Raven from the Diciples of Caliban crash land on a back water planet(havent thought of name yet) after a recconaissance assault went wrong. They were attacked and forced to retreat with both aircraft severely damaged(attacked by whom?). On making their escape they were pursued and in an escape to lose their pursuers the Gunship titled Gothic Burden(SR) was accidently dragged into this backwaters gravity well(atmosphere) and the other Gunship (unknown name yet)(TH) was forced to follow them in as the Doom Eagles were charged to defend them at all costs necessary. And with the Gothic Burden carrying an artefact the DOC had reclaimed it was imperitive that it not be lost. The loyalist forces soon find themselves assaulted from all sides from both the planets populace and the pursuers. All haste has to be made to repairing the ships before they are overwhelmed and the artefact utterly laost in the hands of an unconcieveable enemy.The race begins.

 

I know this is the ordinary stuff and pretty simple but thats exactly how i want it to be for my first 40k short story as it were. I have a lot more planning(scenes,namesetc....) that is obviously not written here but could use all the help i can get. And as to why the Doom Eagles and DOC are working together......?

 

(If this in the wrong side of the forum don't hold it against me as im still try'n to get the hang of everythin'). THANKS.

[Papewaio]

Go for it man! That sounds really cool; a build-up as both sides race to find the artefact as the tension builds. . . sounds killer to me!

 

As for the enemy, both Chaos Marines and Necrons could be the antagonists. Chaos Marines might need the artefact in order to summon a daemon or please the Dark Gods, and as for the Necrons. . . who knows why they do what they do?

 

This sounds like something to keep my eye on.

[WorldEater79]

Go for it man! That sounds really cool; a build-up as both sides race to find the artefact as the tension builds. . . sounds killer to me!

 

As for the enemy, both Chaos Marines and Necrons could be the antagonists. Chaos Marines might need the artefact in order to summon a daemon or please the Dark Gods, and as for the Necrons. . . who knows why they do what they do?

 

This sounds like something to keep my eye on.

Thanks man its good to know it won't be a complete waste of time. And as for the enemy, I was thinking of the Chaos Marines but the Necrons are new. I never originally thought of them but since you mentioned it some new ideas have formed(are the Necrons after the artefact for their own personl gain or is there something even more sinister behind it all?). I'll try to keep you posted on the progress but it may be a while before you get some news.

And just for one last question do you reckon you have an idea on which renegade chapter would suit this the best. Possibly the Night Lords or Iron Warriors?. But really im actually lookin for a little less known chapter as the fluff for them would be a little more flexible and, personaly, a lot more fun(I also thought of the Relictors chapter, I know their loyal but it states in the latest edition of the Space Marine codex that their obsession for rare/chaos tainted artefacts is actually bordering on heresy. Could this be the final push over the edge for them?-however although this may be a successful idea not sure GW would allow it or many other fans of the hobby for that matter.).

Thanks for your help!

[WorldEater79]

Actually ive just had a realy good idea. After reading lexicanum on information on the Carcharadons i read all the left out parts on the Mantis Warriors partial treachery all thanks to the post "the badab war-any loyalist out there". What if a deployment of both Mantis Warriors(charged to protect) and the Carcharadons(charged with acquiring the relic) were actually sent instead of DOC and Doom Eagles. This would provide a very interesting, tense part of the story in itself, considering the distrust the Carcharadons will be almost certainly be feeling to the MW and the pure hate the MW will be feeling to the Carcharadons(after what they did to the MW's former home world populace and then been given that world. Will the Mantis Warriors stick true to their part of the mission or will they leave the Carcharadons to their fate just when they need him the most?

 

 

 

Opinions please.

[Papewaio]

I don't know that much about loyalist Space Marines, but you could create two new chapters, or flesh out some of GW's paint schemes. But an intense rivalry and suspicion between the chapters would be a very nice source of tension.

[Demoulius]

uh, dont mean to be a naysayer but only blood angels and grey knights have acces to the stormraven :teehee: and the Diciples of Caliban are a dark angel succesor chapter correct?

 

*shrugs* just saying. if you like the model and/or want one in your stories then feel free to do so ^_^

 

on the subject of the relictors. their fluff has them as borderline heretics/renegades. IIRC though they were purged by the grey knights but i have no knowledge on what year (if at all, might be confusing them with another chapter)

 

mantis warriors vs Carcharadons however seems perfect! 2 chapter with a history and a deep grounded hatred for eachother forced to work together? epic! sounds like a good plan :)

[WorldEater79]

Right I didnt know about the Storm Ravens. I'll have to rethink that part(probably two thunderhawks)Or possibly the very old version of the Thunderhawk(can't remember the name)(pre-heresy) since the Carcharadons seem to have mostly :) pre-heresy equipment.Thanks Demoulias.

And thanks too Papewoai all your imput has been helpful.

I think i'll push at this Mantis Warriors and Carcharadons idea it may just be successful.

Grateful. :)

[Pavement Artist]

By your own ommission, the plot could edge towards pretty well trodden territory but i wouldnt let that sort of thing put you off. The problem with 40k like a lot of sci fi licenses is that it's very hard to find completely unbroken ground to work on and it sometimes feels like everyones taking up all the space in the sand pit. The trick is to focus more on how you execute the story telling and find your own way to go with it.

 

Now the best way to ramp up the drama in any story is to add conflict. You've nailed it by having the mantis and carcharadons as your protagonists. It's a great seed for a story, two chapters that loathe each other forced to work together. Hell i'd say make the enemy they face almost incidental. This should be a story focussing on the hubris of the two chapters and how their hatred can be very costly.

 

Good luck anyway