Demoulius Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 Hey guys, Started writing down a story of fluff thats been in my head for a while. Its kinda the first time im doing this so im not sure if i got any things wrong or such, or if its even readable for the majority of people :whistling: you can find the topic here its about a team of scouts with some veterans (senior scout sargeant, librarian, priest and a chaplain) that are trutting about a hive city to uncover its eh......not so friendly dangers :huh: if anyone would have some comments or critisicm i would appreciate it :) also please post those here though so the story stays (uhm...how do i say this) pure. as in has no interuptions in it :) looking forward to hearing your opinions (whatever you hate it or like it, please share ^_^) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Nathan Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 havent read it all but it seems quite good. though i will say it dosent quite seem to flow yet. thats probably a matter of getting used to writing again and it does seem to improve as you go on(dont have time to finish it now) i would suggest re reading what you write to make sure it does say what you think it says(yes there is a difference and im very guilty of it) id also look into putting seperate peoples speeking on seperate so its easier to figure out who is speeking... but then again im no expert at writing so keep it up regardless... :ph34r: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demoulius Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 yea i have to admit its quite hard to put to words on what ive got in my head :( the reason there isent any action yet is because they (the scouts) havent arrived at their destination yet :P theyre still at the outskirts of their deployment zone. scouts top priority is stealth and i somewhat wanted to get this across ;) thanks for reading at least a part of it though :P highly appreciated :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sp4rky Posted April 25, 2011 Share Posted April 25, 2011 senior scout sargeant, librarian, priest and a chaplain ^^ this sounds like the start of a joke! But seriously, very good story... I want to know why the priest is there!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demoulius Posted April 25, 2011 Author Share Posted April 25, 2011 senior scout sargeant, librarian, priest and a chaplain ^^ this sounds like the start of a joke! But seriously, very good story... I want to know why the priest is there!!! haha what a coincidence, just added that part :lol: story will get more serious when they reach the city :) right now its a few officers trying to figure out what the hell theyre doing down there :P always a fun mission when you only know half of what you might suspect eh? ;) btw made a little tweaks here and there. like the sargeant wasent the senior scout sargeant but the chapters most senior sargeant. might not sound like a big difference but it is. first of all hes not stuck to the 10th company (hence he hasent touched scout armour for over a century) and second it means that he is (or should be) highly regarded by his fellow marines. Save for other veterans like captain and other officers like priests, chaplains and sanguinary priests he would be a great asset to the chapter and not be send on an "errant" likely. thats the thought about it anyway ^_^ his name kinda bugs me though, i kinda made their names up along the way (aside from the chapter master and captain of the 5th's names) and i kinda...more or less got a name that looks surisingly familiar like a certain ultramarines captain :tu: sure theyre not identical, hardly pronounced the same but 1 letter difference seems abit iffy. any ideas on what i can change it to? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sp4rky Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Have you changed Aphael's name to Raphael? I'm sure that R wasn't there last night. I Like Vendris as a name. Don't know the ultramarines captain you refer to though, but I don't read other army's fluff and stories. But then it is not uncommon to encounter people with the same name around the place. I work with a guy who has the exact same name as me :-) Good story so far, looking forward to more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demoulius Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 the other character i was refering to was Uriel VENTRIS (notice how his name is written with an T and mine is with a D) Actually the R was always there :) Rapheal is the sanguinary priest, Aphael is the librarian. (the priest has ea in his name, the liby ae, dont know if theres much difference in how you pronounce this though....) i actually also considered changing one of their names. i find myself abit lazy having two such identical names in one place :P i know names are common and 'get around' but still. dont want people to accuse me of beeing a lazy writer :D i make the story up as i go though and i shows at times. like how i forget to describe how the veterans armour looked like :) added that last night as i felt it was kinda missing. even after adding it i dident describe their wargear much but i guess il do that when they get to use it (which is soon i promise :lol: ) Am at work at the moment so its hard to write something down now (kinda annoying with people looking over your shoulder) but il continue on it again tonight :tu: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demoulius Posted April 27, 2011 Author Share Posted April 27, 2011 hey guys, ive done a few more updates since last time :) now with some action, although most of it is pretty short. does anyone have some suggestions for the name changes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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